A while back I mentioned how timing is such a major element of this whole process. Limbo is another. Obviously this whole experience puts your life in a bit of limbo, merely because you have no idea what your life is going to be like once that baby is born. Vacations, big purchases, your will to even leave the house...like the commercial says, "Having a baby changes everything." But you really can't worry about the long term stuff. When certain things feel right again, you'll know, I guess.
Right now it's the little things that are getting to me. Originally it was living this "double life", where we had this major secret but weren't telling anyone. "What's new?", they ask. "Oh, nothing," we reply...but inside it was like, "Holy crap, you won't believe what we just saw on the ultrasound!", etc. Most of that awkwardness is done now, since almost everyone knows. Best friends have finally been told, word is trickling around work, and random people are finding out from sources even we're not sure of. It's just wondering if they've heard or not when you walk up to someone you haven't seen in a while. Easy in comparison.
Even before the pregnancy, I was feeling sort of funny about shopping for clothes. Why buy something if you have no clue if it will fit you by the next time that season comes around? That issue is still with me now. I could probably go out and buy some nice flowy tops and stuff, but then I have to look at all the "normal" clothes, too. Pants and skirts are what's really getting to me. My pants still technically fit, but by mid-afternoon when I've been sitting at my desk and the gas bubbles from lunch start cropping up (I know, that's gross...but seriously, that's pregnancy), those pants are feeling a tad tight. And yet, I'm not at the point of maternity pants. And really, I'm not letting myself enter the world of non-maternity elastic waist pants. I just don't want them around as my safety net afterward. I probably need to pull out my fat pants from about 10 pounds ago and see if they feel better, but the whole thing is just weird...really takes what little fun there was out of shopping. That will get better soon, though, I hope. I will have a whole wardobe to replenish!
The other tough thing is the baby prep stuff. It still feels too early to run out and buy a baby name book, or even start looking up sites online. What about the baby's room? As I mentioned, we're trying to figure out the best way to rearrange our office to include at least one twin bed, but at what point do we actually make the switch? I don't know if it's a superstition thing, or not wanting to look too eager, or what. I'll admit that I've always wondered about people who lose a baby late in pregnancy or as a newborn to SIDS, and what that empty nursery must do to them. It's got to be torture. And not that I think that'll happen to us, but week 15 of 40 seems too early for a lot of that stuff. However, my fear is that things will get busy--Craig is now working weekends even more with the start of lacrosse season tomorrow, eventually I'll start getting less mobile--and suddenly we'll be a month or so out and have a million things to do. Good thing the Amerks probably won't make the playoffs, eh?
Still, I'm just trying to enjoy every moment. It's not always easy, but we've got some exciting months ahead of us!