This Gun Stuff

Ok, as I've said over and over here, sometimes I just write here so I can process things and get them out of my system.  Often there's something that I'd instinctively want to post on Facebook, but it would either be oversharing or the start of a firestorm if I did, so it just digs away at me until I have the proper outlet.  Right now, it's all of the gun stuff in the news.  I will reiterate--I'm not posting this here to get in an argument or have someone tell me I'm wrong--I'm just sharing my thoughts on it because it's frustrating to me and I want to get all my thoughts in one place--and hopefully out of my head a bit more.  My own dad will disagree with most of what I write here, but again--it's eating away at me and rather than let out my rage on my handful of Facebook friends who have been non-stop posting stuff about this lately, it's going here.

A little over a month ago 17 teenagers died from gun violence at a high school in Florida.  A few weeks after that another shooting happened in Maryland, where two kids were injured, but one of them eventually passed away.  The stories just keep adding up, and 19 years after the first big newsworthy school shooting at Columbine High School, things have only gotten worse.  Elementary school kids, college students, school and corporate employees have all been added to the victim lists.  It's terrible and tragic.  And yes, gun violence in our cities, teenage suicides, and texting while driving are all also very deadly to many of these same populations and should ALSO be receiving a lot of attention.  Absolutely.  And has this become a giant political issue, to a fault?  Absolutely.  But I don't think that makes it any less important to tackle this problem, along with all the others.

I think what makes this issue so important right now is that we're all realizing that it CAN happen to any of us.  Where it once seemed like, "That could never happen here," we hear all of the survivors say that they thought the same thing.  So clearly it CAN happen here.  It just takes one lunatic, no matter how small the town or how many drills the school runs.  We force our kids to go to school because that's what's best for them, but all too many times it has turned out to be a death sentence.  That shouldn't be the case.  I mean, shootings of the innocent are tragic no matter where they happen, but when we're telling kids that school is the best place for them, that it's safe and important for them to be there, and then they get shot, that just seems wrong.  So of course we want to do something about it.

In regard to the marchers this past weekend, I do admire them.  I don't know if it will really go anywhere, but it's worth a shot at this point.  This isn't about snowflakes or idiots who eat Tide Pods now wanting to change the Constitution.  They're just kids who don't want to fear for their lives at school.  Are there bandwagon jumpers?  Sure.  Do I think half the kids at school walk-outs were just in it for the time out of class?  You bet.  But there is a genuine fear in this country and I can't imagine what that's like for those kids.  So I'm not judging those who are legitimately up for a fight.  Just because kids can make really stupid decisions, it doesn't mean that they are incapable of having valid feelings or ideas.  Some people think it's wrong to question the second amendment, but they're trying to strip these kids of their first amendment right to free speech, so that's not right either.  People I really respect are posting some really stupid, offensive, bullying stuff on Facebook right now about the protestors, and it really bugs me.  They're kids, first of all.  Second, your argument sounds ridiculous when you name-call and belittle their argument on really petty points.  I'm not saying the other side hasn't had some missteps of their own, but why rag on kids that are trying to make some positive change?

Oh, wait, it's because your guns are more important than them.  Look, I get it.  The second amendment has been in place forever and we need to be armed so the government doesn't overthrow us.  Because that's really likely.  Sure.  At what point in modern history have we ever needed a well-regulated militia?  And when did anyone say we want all guns?  In most cases people are not looking to take all guns.  They want to remove the high capacity ones that can kill a lot of people in a few minutes.  There is no need for a military-style weapon to be in the hands of civilians.  By all means, let's keep them in the hands of our military and law enforcement, but normal people do not need to buy these.  You're not going to carry them around in public in the event you run into a mass shooting, nor do you need that much firepower to defend your home.  If we need to keep them available, let's keep them secure at gun ranges so they can still get their sport shooting in, but seriously...why does your desire to have those sorts of guns available outweigh my innocent kid's right to feel safe at school?  There's nothing wrong with changing laws to make getting these weapons much, much harder, at the very least.

But then only the bad guys will have the guns.  Yes, I know.  But again, no one is carrying theirs around with them on a daily basis to ward off mass shootings, and it would seem criminals aren't taking them to home invasions because they like to travel light.  So there are two scenarios happening here. 1) These guns are all over the inner city--or so it would seem.  The anti-gun control folks are right--criminals do not follow the laws.  Those guns will be there pretty much no matter what we do.  It's sad that innocent people die because of them, but so many of the deaths are people that are actively involved in gang violence killing each other.  If they won't listen to reason or laws, we almost have to let them figure it out for themselves--which may mean that they will eventually, in essence, make themselves extinct.  I'm not sure what other options we have.  But those guns don't seem to be the ones making it to the school shootings in the suburbs, which brings me to scenario #2) Most of these school shooters bought their weapons legally, or stole them from someone who obtained them legally.  And if laws were changed, those guns wouldn't be available to them.  Maybe then the awkward white kid would go into the inner city to find the gang member and buy one from him, but I haven't seen that happen yet, so I don't know.  I read an interesting point the other day, that if these guns were made illegal, their price on the black market would skyrocket and possibly make them too expensive for these kids.  Not a bad thought.  And in the absence of those guns, they'd probably use one with less capacity.  It could still kill, but the toll would be smaller.  Baby steps, I guess.

Oh, and to another point--if there are no guns people will use bombs or trucks or whatever.  Yes, that's true, but that doesn't mean we give up trying to get rid of one option at a time.  The thing is, trucks, knives, crow bars, and everything that makes a bomb have other more prominent uses.  Guns, on the other hand, kill.  They can hunt, yes, and they can be fun to shoot, but again, neither of those things should override human safety.  High capacity weapons aren't necessary for either of those things.  Banning certain guns only impacts shooting, whereas trying to ban those other things isn't really logical.  But, in case people have forgotten, regulations were put into place for purchasing large amounts of fertilizer after Oklahoma City and we haven't seen anything like that since.  Since we can't ban all guns, let's just try to lessen the impact as much as we can for now.

Opponents also think that we need to blame the person, not the gun.  The gun enables that person to do what they want to do, at a higher volume than they would be able to do it otherwise--at least 95% of the time.  In a perfect world we'd want to fix the problems that make that person want to shoot the gun, but here's the thing: fixing a lifetime of mental issues isn't instantaneous.  It takes years to do that.  So how do we impact things now?  We make their easy weapon of choice harder to get.  While we give them mental health treatment.  But the other problem with this is that the conservatives keep trying to take away opportunities for health coverage that can help mental health.  We need kids to stop bullying, we need people to treat others with respect, we need to lessen the desensitization that comes from violent imagery (and for the record, I don't think that's the problem for everyone, but I do think certain people are more highly impacted by it).  But in the short term, we need less access to dangerous weapons.

I think what frustrates me most about the anti-gun control folks is the constant use of logical fallacies.  In my freshman year of college, I took a philosophy class called Critical Thinking.  I suppose I never knew how much impact that class had on me until now.  All that keeps popping into my head every time I hear these arguments are the fallacies I learned about back then.  There's the slippery slope, where taking away certain guns will lead to all guns being taken away.  The appeal to tradition would infer that just because the second amendment had a purpose then, that it's still completely relevant today.  I don't even want to dig into the rest, but there are so many instances: Trying to point out the irony of the left's support of abortion that kills thousands, or bringing up the Tide Pods, or any other invalid, illogical argument that they constantly use to distract from the fact that guns are killing people in unlikely places.  We don't need that level of weapon and common sense legislation wouldn't infringe on their rights...but since the left is pushing it, God forbid they give an inch.

At a family gathering this weekend I got into a bit of a discussion with family that leans farther right, and they compared it to cars that go 200 mph.  If used to their full potential they will have a high likelihood of killing someone.  Do people have the right to own one?  Should they exist at all?  I honestly feel like there's no need for a car to go that fast.  As far as the right to own one?  I guess I don't know because (again) I don't feel like it's necessary for them to even have that capacity.  If someone is going to be responsible and only use it in a safe environment, I guess I don't care.  But the fact of the matter is that there are very few safe places for that to happen, so why bother having one?  If someone is going to be irresponsible, then no, I don't think their right to own one should overshadow my right to safety in my own neighborhood.  So, needless to say, their argument didn't really sway me.  In addition, I later realized (of course) that even among "bad" owners, car owners generally wouldn't want to kill someone with their car, but "bad" gun owners do.  So even then it's not a logical comparison.  The point is trying to keep a dangerous weapon out of the hands of someone looking to hurt others, and I'd feel that way whether it was a car or a gun.

The biggest problem in all of this is that everyone is seeing the extremes and immediately assuming that everyone on the other side is that extreme.  The left thinks everyone on the right is a Trump-loving, gun-toting Neo-Nazi.  Everyone on the right thinks the left wants to strip away ALL of their guns, rewrite the entire Constitution, and let the government overtake their unarmed constituents.  No one wants to take the time to realize that a lot of us closer to the middle just want to either seriously limit access to guns (like, lots of training, lead time, and mental health checks), or if we're going to eliminate anything, we'd be fine with just the high capacity stuff that no citizen needs for reasonable self-defense or hunting.  I'm cool working on mental health and better parenting and less bullying in the meantime, but in the short term until that stuff has time to take hold, we need to do what we can to find common ground to limit access.  And if you're a reasonable, safe, mentally sound, responsible gun owner, you should have no reason to be concerned.

Oh, and one last note.  I'm actually sort of disappointed in how things have played out with the Parkland kids.  On one hand, I'm seriously against all of the bullying that the right has thrown at them.  Name calling, spreading lies, and creating fake news and deceptive memes is all completely uncalled for.  Adults should not be doing that stuff to kids.  But on the other hand, I'm also a bit disappointed in some of the kids and concerned for their futures.  First, it's a bit contradictory, or at the very least short-sighted, to be rallying against guns when you were among the people who bullied the kid enough to drive him (at least in part) to turn to gun violence to get his revenge.  At the very least have some remorse and use the platform to rally kids to stop bullying, too.  Second, I also think it's a little dangerous to look to teenagers as a guiding voice in a huge issue like this.  I do think their story needs to be heard, but these are kids (you know, the ones whose brains aren't fully developed yet) and I see a few concerns:

1) Getting involved in adult affairs without really understanding the depth of the issues or some of the implications can really complicate things beyond what teenagers can comprehend.  I guess it's stuff like advertising boycotts and digging into legislation, much of it on the basis of emotion.  We're dealing with grown-up stuff with grown-up implications that are far beyond what they're used to as they walk through high school halls.  I think they have an important voice, but there's something to be said for life experience and maturity in framing arguments and understanding consequences.

2) Teenage impulsivity could lead to them saying or doing something really stupid that will either undermine their credibility (giving the other side more ammunition) or deal a blow to the entire campaign.  Don't give the other side talking points by impulsively shooting off your mouth in the heat of the moment, or getting caught doing something contradictory. 

3) Someone like David Hogg is really putting himself in the crosshairs--quite literally considering his opponents--and could be putting himself in danger.  Some of these kids also don't understand the impact this stuff could have on their futures.  Some people will consider them heroes, but others will stonewall them hardcore, and I think it's hard to understand the implications of this stuff now.  I can also see some of this stuff going to their head, and this would be quite the head trip for a teenager to deal with.  They better get some good therapy throughout this ordeal, because I can see the letdown afterward being rough, or the self-importance messing with them down the road. 

This sort of stuff really appropriate for kids to have to be dealing with.  It would be a lot for a well-grounded adult, let alone a kid that's just been through a traumatic event.  I give them credit for putting themselves out there, but maybe the adults around them should be guiding and protecting them a bit more.  They shouldn't be used as a tool for your agenda--for either side.

This argument has so many angles and I know I haven't covered them all, which is why I'm asking for no arguments to come from this.  I'm sick of everyone finding the one tiny loophole in everyone else's argument and jumping all over it.  I just did this to get it all out of my system.  There are valid points on each side but we need to find common ground to prevent this stuff from continuing to happen.  I think each side has to give a little for the greater good of society.  Holding extreme positions will get us nowhere.  We'll only start to agree when the point of view is just close enough to our own that we can start to see the ounce of good in it and build from there.  I don't know how to fix this, but for my kids' sake, I hope we can get somewhere.  I think this is good momentum, and if people would only get their heads screwed on straight, we can make our country a safer place for everyone.

Woof.

Last night Jacob had a bit of a meltdown.  I guess that's what I'd call it.  I mean, it wasn't the typical yelling, crying, flailing meltdown you'd imagine, but more of one where he was figuratively sort of melty--like deflated.  Why?  He was asking for a dog.

He's wanted a dog for a while, preferably a husky or a German shepherd, but I think it probably intensified this week because a friend of his just got a husky puppy.  Now it seems he has determined that a dog will solve all of his problems.  He's admittedly lonely, and I don't disagree that a dog might be good for him.  A dog would probably give him the companionship he doesn't get from his brother, who would prefer to do less active things during his free time; or from our neighborhood, which is devoid of kids his age.  A dog would probably match his energy, love to be outside with him no matter the weather, and probably have the magic touch to calm him down when he's having a moment.  I wouldn't doubt he'd be a great candidate for an emotional support animal, which is sort of a step down from a service dog.  As much as I have never considered a dog, watching him last night as he wallowed in sadness over this struck me as much different than most of his "I wants", and I honestly wish like crazy that we could make it work.  But we can't.

Dogs are so much work.  With parents that work full time (and beyond), and kids in school all day, that dog would be miserable.  Add in weekends where we travel, either to Buffalo to be with family or on Jacob's many lacrosse trips, and it's clear we just don't have the best lifestyle for a dog.  Jacob insists (like every other kid ever) that he would take care of it.  He'd walk it and take it out (although he hesitated a bit as we talked about actually picking up the poop--we'd have to work through that), and even though he can't remember to take his own medicine or brush his teeth or take a shower, apparently he'd remember to feed the dog and everything else.  Now, of all of the possible household tasks that we could possibly assign to him, I almost think this might be something he'd actually do.  At least in the beginning.  Which of course, is where that other problem comes in.  I do not want to be the one responsible for the dog.  I have two kids and a husband that I can barely keep in line when it comes to keeping the house decent and keeping everyone fed and functional.  The last thing we need is a dog added to the mix.  Our house is chaotic enough.  I don't want to have to add  "take the dog out" to my to-do list, whether it's first thing in the morning, at bedtime, or when I'm out all day running errands.

Not to mention that we have a house full of off-white carpeting, and I hate the vacuum enough that I can't imagine having to do it more than I do to pick up dog hair.  I know there are varieties that don't shed, but I feel like we have so many other qualities we'd be looking for in a dog that works for us, that somehow that trait might fall down the list if we all spontaneously fell in love with one.  I don't like cleaning up after the bodily fluids of my own kids, let alone a dog, and I don't want to spend a ton of money on carpet cleaning each year....or, worse, redo the house in something easier to clean.  Keep in mind that I also can't smell, so deciphering when the dog had an accident or needs a bath or is otherwise making a stink, will be impossible for me.  That is somewhat scary to me, too.

Speaking of expenses, there's the upfront cost of the dog (cheaper with a rescue, but still), the food, the supplies, the vet bills, and inevitably some sort of kennel stay when we go on vacation.  We don't have backup family around to care for a dog, so we'd be stuck.  We're fine financially--I mean, we're nowhere near the brink of financial collapse, but we still have to be careful with our money.  With Jacob desperate to go to private school starting in two years, we'd have one year of relief next year before the money we'll soon save on daycare would shift to that--and five years down the road we'd be looking at doubling that for a couple years.  So, needless to say, we have to plan ahead a bit, and the unknowns of a dog are a little intimidating.

Making the vet bills more likely is that we have a house FULL of little toys everywhere.  Legos, Playmobil, Imaginext, army guys, superheroes...in two bedrooms, the living room, and the basement.  There's too many to condense in one spot, and I honestly don't want my kids' creativity stifled by having to clean up every night, or by their fear of destruction preventing them from playing at all.  As we've seen at my in-laws, little toys are a magnet for doggy teeth, and I know my kids would freak out (and it would annoy me, too) if their stuff was routinely getting destroyed--and worse, if it's making the dog sick in the process.  Logistically, it's just a mess.

The hard part is that there's really no "tryout".  With most things, you give it a shot and if it doesn't work out, you stop.  But with a dog there's a lot of heartbreak involved--for us and the dog.  I've seen enough pictures of sad, abandoned dogs in shelters floating around Facebook to know how awful it would be if it didn't work out.  I can absolutely see us giving it a shot, and Jacob not being as diligent as he insists he'd be, and then denying the fact it's not working for us.  He'd hate us even more if we had to take the dog back, even if it was clearly disrupting our already disrupted house.  He wouldn't be able to see it, just like he can't see his impact on our day-to-day life now.  I wish you could rent a dog, or there were therapy dogs to visit, or something where he could volunteer his time.  I mean, sure, we might be able to do something at a shelter, but I don't know if they accept kids his age.  And if we did that, I'm sure the begging could get worse if he found one he liked.  There's also the danger thing--that some rescues have gone through hell and can lash out, and I'm just not prepared to deal with stuff like that.

This all is vaguely reminiscent of how I have long felt about a third kid--my heart thinks it would be awesome, but my brain knows it can't happen.  If circumstances were different, it would absolutely be something to consider.  But in both cases, there are so many real, unavoidable issues that we simply can't work around.  The idea that a dog could calm Jacob down and positively impact his behavior makes it so tempting, because at this point we'd probably try almost anything, but the other impacts would be significant and I'm not convinced we'd end up any further ahead overall as a family.  The whole thing breaks my heart.  When he said out loud that he's lonely, or said that he's never going to be happy in our house, those things gut you as a parent.  Clearly there are a few levels of unhappiness going on here and a dog probably isn't the ultimate solution, but that little sliver of hope that it could help is tantalizing.  Maybe someday I'll be brave, but that time just isn't now.

Eight Years

Eight years ago today, we closed on our house.  And eight years tomorrow we moved.

Our awesome old neighbor captured the moment...oh, and that evergreen on the far left is now above the gutter!

That's starting to seem like a really long time, although I know it's really not.  But when you've lived in apartments for one, two, and two years, then a house for about four and a half, eight seems pretty legit.  My parents, on the other hand, have been in theirs for 33 this spring, so there's that.  Even their first one saw a good ten years.

Looking back, I'm glad we ended up where we did.  I mean, there are still times that I wish we would have stuck with our somewhat-sketchy apartment for one more year, because within that year I changed jobs (and salaries) and we probably could have bought a slightly better house that would have lasted a bit longer if we knew our budget would change so quickly.  It probably wouldn't be as nice as the one we have now, but maybe it wouldn't have needed thousands of dollars in new windows and doors like the one we bought did--and of course we got none of that back when we sold it.  It wasn't a bad house.  It was a decent setup, with a good sized kitchen and a big finished basement with the coolest bar ever. 

It may not look like much, but it was a wet bar, with a mirror flanked by shelves and colored uplighting.  There was even a tiny shelf below the mirror that we lined with pucks all the way across.

The rooms were small and the main bathroom was purple, but it had some cool quirks (my favorite retro shelves and cool designs in the ceiling plaster). 

It was such a perfect home for my blue glass collection.  I miss that space.

This was around the dining room light

Living room ceiling

But we were outgrowing it in a lot of ways and it needed work.  The kitchen was so ugly and the attic needed new insulation.  We thought the roof would go soon, too.  Ultimately I didn't really want to have two kids in that house, and when we got to the point where we needed to start planning for kid #2, we decided it was better to spend a little more on a mortgage for an updated house than spend thousands more dollars on renovations for a house that was still too small and probably wouldn't sell for much above what we paid for it anyway, based on the rest of the neighborhood.  And after a frustrating search, we finally found ours.  It was almost a fluke, where the listing showed an outside picture of the house and not much more.  I emailed the listing agent to see if there were more, and through a fuzzy scan of a couple pages of little photos I saw a house that looked promising.  The moment we walked in the front door, I was sold.  And after a scary month with a contingency offer in place and one lost buyer, we finally found one that stuck.  We made absolutely nothing on the deal--and lost when you consider what we put into it--but we were thankful to be able to move on to greener pastures.

I drive by that house periodically--in fact, I did it today on the way to daycare from Carter's blood work (oh dear--more later) because the back roads were quicker.  Not much has changed outside, though they did add a pool and make use of the flower boxes.  They also decorate for Christmas, so that's nice.  I am seriously curious about what they've done inside, but all I know is that there's currently a piece of the old kitchen countertop (which needed replacing when we were there!) sitting out on the side of the house.  I can tell what it was because of the sink cutout and the angle for how it fit into the corner.  So at least that's been done.  Hopefully they've painted the cabinets and put in a dishwasher, too, for their own sanity.  Oh, and did I mention they appear to have THREE kids in that house?  A couple times I've driven by they've all been outside playing.  One was around Jacob's age when they moved in, but now there are two more, with the youngest probably around two.  How they all cram in there is beyond me!  Maybe someday they'll officially outgrow it and then I'll be able to see the updates in the real estate listing!  But I guess it's good for them that they found a home that has worked this long for them, too.

It was bittersweet eight years ago tonight as we did the almost-last round of packing and systematically took apart the home we'd built for more than four years.  It was the first place we could really make our own and was more than just cobbled together.  We were proud of the projects we did there, and it was the first house we brought our baby home to.  It was hard to leave behind those memories.  Until, that is, we remembered where we were going.  I literally felt like I needed to pinch myself every time I realized this house was ours.  Everything was prettier and newer and more spacious.  It was the unique floorplan I wanted, and it checked off so many boxes I only dreamed of at the old house.  It felt perfect...and many days it still does.

But not all days.  Some days it feels too small or too old, at least in spots.  Carter's room, the upstairs bathroom, and the kitchen all feel a little tight.  The office isn't getting used the way we thought, though I appreciate the extra space.  The yard is overwhelming most of the time, the kitchen and bathroom could use some sprucing up, and two young boys have left their share of nicks and scrapes around the house.  We really just need a hardcore handyman to come in here and fix up a little of everything.  Oh, and we could also stand to get rid of a lot of stuff!  Despite all that, I still feel like if we could build our own house somewhere else, I'd like to take about 80% of this house and just change up the floor plan a bit to expand a few rooms.  I like how most of it functions for us, and for now the downsides still aren't enough to make me want to do the moving process again!

Eight years.  It's definitely our home and will always hold a special place in our heart whenever we do choose to move along.  But for now we'll just focus on making memories here and try to remember how amazing it felt the day we moved in.

Sunday Struggle

I'm sitting at Jacob's lacrosse practice that takes up two prime hours of Sunday afternoon, knowing that yet another weekend is dying a rapid death.  And as I sit here, I'm struggling.  Yes, I have some alone time and that's not horrible.  Carter is home with Daddy, who was literally walking in the door from 11 hours of travel, so I know it could be worse.  I'm typing on a little tablet so major proofreading will be in order later, but at least I have a distraction.  But I'm struggling.

I tried reading, but my book was making me cry so I had to stop.  It's the Slow Down book I got for Christmas, and between the subject matter and the bookmark I found inside that's a reminder I got it from my late Uncle Cliff, I was having a hard time not tearing up.  The book is about embracing the tough moments of parenthood and preparing for the next stage, but when I know my experience is sort of more complicated than most, and I have infinite scary fears about the "letting go" stage, it all just takes a darker turn.  So I had to stop for now.

I'm also worried about Carter's blood work tomorrow.  We've reached the point where we need to follow up on his ferritin level again.  Because he's developed a serious needle phobia, I asked his doctor if we should add other tests to this round so we can spare him any possible follow-up if the ferritin level doesn't end up where they want it.  Among those tests is a Celiac test.  He's not showing any obvious symptoms, but it would explain the ferritin and why he's such a super skinny kid.  Jacob didn't have many symptoms either and he was about this age when his issues started, so it's probably worth a check.  There's one other thing that's nagging me in regard to his pooping, where a couple times when I wiped him there was a tiny bit of blood on the toilet paper, and yet he insisted it didn't hurt to poop.  It still could have easily been from straining, but what scares me is that his poop has been dark in color because of the iron he's taking, so I'm not sure we'd see blood if it was there.  It's scary.  And I know it doesn't seem like a big deal if he's gluten-free, since we're already doing it all at home, but it would be a huge bummer for so many reasons.  He loves so many gluten-filled foods, and weaning him off those would be awful.  He would go through the same sorts of challenges that Jacob does with school events and family picnics and traveling, but he might be even more picky than Jacob.  I'd lose my dream of finally having a kid that can buy school lunch, and he'd no longer be my little buddy to take to Taco Bell or McDonald's or local favorite Carmine's.  He's my "easy kid" for many reasons, and the loss of that would be sort of devastating, because some days it's all I have.

But then I start worrying even more (hi, anxiety) that Celiac would be the least of our problems.  What if the blood work shows some other problem?  How many times do you hear about kids who are normal and symptom-free one day, and literally the next they're receiving a devastating diagnosis?  I've always felt like Carter was this amazing gift that I needed to savor every moment of, and for whatever reason I've always been nervous that he was cramming in all this awesomeness for a reason.  Horrible, isn't it?  So yeah, I'm nervous.

On top of all that, it was a rough weekend.  I sort of knew it would be, but I was still so desperate to get through the week and it saddens me that it didn't turn out well.  I was alone with the boys because Craig had a game in Saskatchewan, so from the time I picked them up on Friday until right when Jacob and I left for practice, I was the sole referee.  And through pretty much that whole time, the kids did nothing but fight.  Oh, they tried to hang out, and there were short moments where it sort of worked, but inevitably they were short-lived and had an explosive ending.  And when they weren't fighting with each other, they were giving me a hard time.  I ended up with a sore throat after a while.  Both kids were equally at fault.  Carter likes to get in these little shots as Jacob walks by, or overreacts like crazy when Jacob gets anywhere near him or his stuff.  Jacob loses his temper instantly and carelessly shoves Carter around.  He finds every opportunity to get on Carter's nerves and belittle him, which only angers Carter and starts everything over.  Their behavior is this vicious circle of actions and reactions that both believe are justified.  But it's exhausting and unnecessary.

My living room (and Carter's room) have been full of toys all weekend, and while I'm trying not to ruin the creativity, it's starting to get to me.  The basement has been a partial hockey rink setup for a couple weeks and in general I'm just tired of stepping over things constantly.  I tried to stave off the clutter-induced insanity by finally getting around to my filing, which I apparently hadn't done for real in a full year.  In addition to filing a year's worth of statements and instruction manuals, I also set aside our tax paperwork and cleared out three years' worth of old stuff.  It felt really good, but there's still too much in this house and I feel like the only person who cares to keep it in any sort of order.  It's tiring.  And with the weather still firmly in winter mode, we can't even go outside to give ourselves a change of scenery.

But this weekend was far from fun and now it's almost over.  And while it's a short week and next weekend should be fun, I know these four days of work will drag.  But I love Easter and it will just be me and Carter for most of the weekend, so hopefully it will be better.  If I could just fast-forward through the next 48 hours and know that all is well, I'd be much happier.  Keep us in your prayers...

Calgary!

Trust me, if I had taken Jacob to Calgary we'd have a lot more than four pictures to share, but I'll take what I can get!  Jacob and Craig had a great time in Calgary.  Travel was smooth, and while Jacob didn't get to see his beloved Calgary Flames, getting to see their arena was a nice consolation prize.

Landing in Calgary

Big kid in his Knighthawk-colored tie, following the player dress code, it seems!

Jacob has liked the Calgary Flames for a year or so, and unfortunately, the timing didn't work out for catching a game or randomly running into players.  He did get to be near their locker room, though!

The highlight of his trip was apparently going to the team store.  Typical for him, I suppose, but I guess if I got to be in an entire store of merchandise for my favorite team for the first time, that would be pretty cool.  He came home with a shirt, last year's draft hat, and the fancy mini-stick he'd been eyeing up.  I'm sure he could have bought up the whole store and still wanted more, but I'm sure it was fun for him.

Being in the arena was pretty cool, too.  It's the Scotiabank Saddledome, home of the hockey and figure skating competitions in the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary.  Jacob didn't like the catwalk to get to the press box, though!

Unfortunately, they didn't bring home a win, but by all accounts it was a good trip.  There were a couple minor hiccups with food in working around Jacob's diet (like a place that had gluten-free buns but the burgers had gluten?!), but as a whole I think it went well.  There was a lot of build-up, and I hope in his mind it lived up to the hype.  He's a very lucky kid to get a trip like that, and I hope he realizes it!

Zoo Day!

While the big boys were gallivanting around Calgary, Carter and I needed to find ways to keep ourselves occupied.  It's been a long time since we'd been to the zoo, and since some big changes are afoot there, it seemed like a good time to go.  Fortunately, the weather cooperated.  It wasn't warm, but it was sunny and relatively pleasant--a little breezy, maybe--but generally nice enough to not feel like we had to be layered up.

I wanted to be sure to take pictures of the zoo's main building, which you see as you walk in the gates.  It's going to be demolished later this year.  On one hand it seems to be a shame, but the building is old and outdated compared to modern zoo habit standards.  It's time for it to go and be replaced by something better, but it's always sad to see history go.

This stained glass window is just inside the door.  I'm hoping this might be salvaged.

In one of the first display cases inside, there was this snake.  When we walked up, it came right over to the window.

I only managed to get this video as he started to move back toward the back...but look at that movement...

Our next main stop was the bird room.  My fondest memory in this room was the year after I graduated from college and came here with a group of college friends.  We walked across a bridge above the Genesee River to get to the zoo (my first time) and a multicolored parrot flew on my friend's head.  I'd post the pic here, but he might find that weird if he ever found it some day.  Anyway, the birds fly free so it's always a little harrowing in there.  I had to duck at least once when two of the larger birds flew across the room!

Ibis on a branch

I believe this is some sort of pigeon relative.  Fancy hairdo.

I tried to get a pic of this guy but he kept turning around.  This wasn't bad...

...but how 'bout that angry face when he went into the cage to eat?

Who's a pretty bird?

We then checked out some poison dart frogs and came out to a tamarin exhibit.  One ran right up to the glass, and while this picture isn't in focus, I had to post it!

He kept sticking out his tongue repeatedly (like moving it around weird), and while I wish I would have gotten video of it, this will have to do.

We moved into the main hall to see the orangutans, but took a detour at the golden lion tamarin cage, which was also home to a giant iguana.  It took a while to find him, but holy cow it was huge!

That suspended log was probably 6+ feet long, and that dude took up most of it.  Notice the tail hanging off the front!

This was also a farewell to the orangutans, as they're moving on to other zoos next month before the building goes.  I've loved the orangutans for years, but it went to a new level when their baby was born around the same time that Carter was.  Bella was the cutest!  Now she's a big girl, just like my big boy, and she was very active...



We checked out the spider monkey, who seemed to like chilling in the little doorway between cages, and then saw the new agoutis and the lemurs.

I still always think of King Julian from Madagascar.  But look at that tail!

Here's a view looking back toward the orangutans and the birds.  Bye-bye, main building.

I also took this picture of the rhino enclosure at the end of the building, which I believe was originally the elephant area.  Not too often I notice those skylights, but they're sort of pretty, right?  And while I'm being nostalgic, remember the time I saw the rhino with the tranquilizer dart in its butt?

Back outside, we walked past the eagles.  And man, was this one ever trying to fly.  As you can see, his left wing is damaged, hence why he's in the zoo in a cageless area.  Sorry, buddy.

We got to the otter building, and we actually saw an otter swimming for a change.  Once in a great while we see them here, but I still don't understand why ours are such duds when the ones in Buffalo are amazing every time.  Of course, I didn't even try to take a picture because they never come out clear, and this one was in and out of the pool constantly so I didn't even bother trying to catch it on video.

But the star of the show in this area was the snake.  I believe this is some sort of python.  It's HUGE.  Super long and very thick in the middle.  I noticed as we came in that he was moving off of the tree branch, but then he did this:

As you may have heard in the background, Carter had asked the other day about a snake being able to slither up into his bed.  This pretty much confirmed it was physically possible, but as I said at the end, I think he'd have a hard time getting into the house!

He did it again a while later in the middle of the enclosure, all the way up to the ceiling.  Creepy.

We wandered past the tiger and the wolves, who seemed to be enjoying the cold and snow.

Another intense look!

Ironically, the penguins weren't out, but this little one was!

As we moved on to the lions, we could see that one female was napping on top of the rocks, and the male was hanging out near the display windows.  He got up to start pacing just as we got there.

After a couple minutes of watching, he started to vocalize a bit.  His roars got progressively louder.  Did you know lion roars can be heard for five miles?  I feel bad for people that live near the zoo!  After his louder roars, he ended up doing this series of little ones...

The other female lion was resting on the front of the bus that's part of the theming in this exhibit, but it was hard to get a good shot of her.  We checked out the baboons, too, but they all ran away so we moved on to the elephants.  It's cool having four of them now after years of two.  This elephant was loving the snow.  She was digging in it and eating the snow!

One of the elephants appeared to be resting standing up, and I took the opportunity to focus in on its eye.  Look at those eyelashes!

We visited the baboons again on the walk back, and this time, they were also playing with the snow.  Who knew snow could be such a visit enhancer?  They also moved some snow into the lemur exhibit when we walked past later. 

It was a little sad heading to the Rocky Coast exhibit, since the last polar bear passed away a couple weeks ago.  Carter still posed with the photo op one...

The sea lions were really active, all swimming and coming up to the windows.

If you look in the upper left in the tunnel, there's a tiny sea lion snout poking down.  I guess it was supposedly Bob, the baby born last June, just hanging out there.  The docent said that he usually does something different than everyone else, and he just looked so goofy there.

Later Bob happened to be the one to jump up on the rocks.  What a cutie.

On the way back out we stopped at one of the activity centers (which was pretty lame since it's getting redone soon), saw the Canada lynx up close, and stopped back through to see the orangutans again.  They were eating this time, and Bella was so cute...again.

I'll miss this sweet face.

We went around to see the snow leopards before we left, because we just got a new one.  I have no idea if this one was the new one or old one, but it's just so pretty.  The paws are so perfectly soft and fuzzy.  Right after I took this it flipped on its back to take a snooze.  Perfectly fuzzy belly, too!

Overall it was a nice visit.  Carter was a little less patient at most of the exhibits than I would have liked, but it was a pleasant day and I'm so glad we went and saw all of these cool little moments.  The future is exciting with the new building, with soon-to-arrive giraffes and zebras, and in the further future, new orangutans and gorillas!  My kids might be a little old for the zoo by the time it's all done, but heck, I'm not too old for the zoo, so I'm in!

Coming up...the big boys' side of the weekend...

News and Notes, Spring Hasn't Sprung Edition

Well, I guess it's been a while since we've had a general state of the household update on here.  Not much has changed, I suppose.  The boys still fight, we're still losing our minds trying to manage their moods, and at times Jacob is worse than ever.  I'm still convinced more is going on with him, but we can't quite seem to figure out what it is.  He hates his teacher, which in his mind is the source of most of his issues, but in general he's been shorter tempered and grumpier than usual.  We literally could not get him to school once this week.  He hasn't been sleeping well, and apparently that day it all came to a head.  He wasn't feeling well, he was tired, and no matter what Craig did (I had to leave for an allergy shot), he just couldn't get him out the door.  So I guess he had a mental health day.  And truth be told he was better for the rest of the week.  But it's been hard.  He desperately wants more playtime with Carter, but between Carter's preferences and the fact they fight almost immediately when they do play together, it doesn't go well.  But we do have glimpses, and I guess the last few weeks have had a few.  I think it's honestly the beginning of cabin fever and trying to find any way possible to deal with the snow and keep ourselves occupied until spring!

Shortly after Carter's birthday we got all of his Legos put together, and the pizza truck he got from Uncle John's family sparked the boys to get a street of food together.  Here we have my apartments (complete with a coffee shop), the pizza truck and pizza eaters, Scooby and Shaggy eating burgers, a guy with a baguette, a German dude with a pretzel, a gingerbread man with a fish and some other dude with a crab, and a smoothie cart.  Oh, and a checkpoint, dumpster, street musician, and some sort of armed guard.  Hmmm.

In the midst of the Olympics we got hit with a pretty significant snow storm.  We got a solid foot overnight.  Everyone else was off but I still needed to go into work--albeit late--and once we had shoveled a single path down the driveway, Jacob was hard at work with the chalk creating a curling setup...

He had some Olympic rings, too.  I don't know how much--if any--curling actually happened, but they definitely had fun playing outside.

Two weeks ago I walked into our kitchen and saw a bunch of robins in our tree out front.  I think I counted at least seven or eight.

I guess just prior to that, despite the snow on the ground, it started to feel like spring, and I had seen a bunch of robins in the days prior.  But why they were in the tree together, I have no idea.  I think it did have a few berries, though, so maybe that was one of the few food sources among the snow.  The zoom on my camera did pretty well, didn't it?

The living room has been in a nearly constant state of toy takeover for weeks.  The boys use almost every toy they have - Legos, army guys, Playmobil, Imaginext, Hot Wheels, magnetic tiles, you name it.  It makes for some pretty epic setups, and eventually when the playing has lessened and the mess is too big, we finally hit a clean-up breaking point and it starts all over again.  Last weekend we ended up with this fabulous Mega Bloks Sphinx...

That is Chase from Paw Patrol in the middle.

While the northeast was getting hit by three nor'easters in two weeks, we were getting just enough more snow to make it still feel like the pit of winter around here.  To be fair, most of the snow that falls doesn't last long on streets or the driveway because the sun is warmer and longer lasting these days, but the temps have mostly been hovering around freezing so while there's been plenty of snow melt, it's still pretty snowy out there.  While the daytime temps have been mostly tolerable, it's not nearly the springy weather you hope for this time of year.  February might even have been better!  The boys have done their share of snow play, including these front yard forts...

Last week Craig had a fundraiser going on at work where the Knighthawks players had to make animals at Build-a-Bear to auction off, and he spent a few days at our local Build-a-Bear (other side of town) helping the bears get built.  One day he took Carter to help, and of course they made a detour to the Lego Store...

Carter was lucky enough to build a bear of his own and chose a dark brown bear with a Captain America suit.  When I was tired later that night, he was sweet enough to offer me his bear to snuggle.  What a sweet boy.  So of course I did.

On Friday of that week, all four of us went to Build-a-Bear to finish building the last bears for guys who couldn't make it into town early enough to do it.  We had their preferences and just had to get the stuff.  We jammed up the store pretty good for a while, though luckily at first it wasn't that busy since it was a pretty cruddy night outside.  In the end we walked out of the mall with eight (!) of those house boxes in hand, which looked pretty funny.

The new magnetic tiles have been making some appearances lately, and the boys have even played with them together.

Other than building forts or jails or other things to go along with the stories in their heads, we had a mission...to build the tallest tower we could.  We had a couple unsuccessful attempts where it prematurely collapsed.  But this time we were very careful and got it to stay up long enough for a picture.  It was taller than me by a couple inches!

Pardon the mess and the purposely goofy face...I needed to take the picture before the tower gave out!

Other than Jacob's rough no-school day Tuesday, we had a relatively uneventful week.  Until Friday, at least, when Craig and Jacob left for their long-awaited weekend in Calgary with the Knighthawks.  They aren't coming home with a win, unfortunately, but other than pictures Craig's been sending periodically, I haven't talked to them much.  It looks like they've been having a good time.  Hopefully uneventful travel tomorrow then hopefully I can share soon about their adventure.  I'll admit I'm a little jealous that my kid gets a better trip than I've had in a long time, but I guess it's just more motivation to get a good 15th anniversary trip in the works later this year!  Carter and I have kept ourselves busy this weekend, too, so more on that soon!

Lessons from a Scanner, Part 2

Ahhh, my photo scanning project, round 2.  As you may recall, back in the fall I scanned all of my film photos, including a bunch of random shots that came from my grandparents' house when it got cleared out after my grandma passed away.  Pretty much all of those photos had something to do with me--either I was in them or they were taken from my perspective.  It was an educational experience, for sure.  Seeing my awkward kid-to-teenage self with grown-up eyes and looking back on all of the things I have done (even at a time where I'm discouraged by what I haven't) was really interesting.

Over Christmas I let the idea to start doing my parents' pictures marinate a bit.  I mean, we're talking about 30+ years of photos prior to them switching to digital, and I knew there was a sizable stack of albums in their closet.  But mine went more quickly than I expected, and honestly, the thought of anything ever happening to those photos--my main link to my childhood--was enough to push me forward.  So, when I was home for my uncle's funeral in January, I took home the first eight albums.  Each album had hundreds of photos.  Thankfully my mom was pretty well-organized, as it wasn't like I was rummaging through boxes or piecing things together, but it was still quite an undertaking.  I finished up all but one album before Carter and I visited a few weeks ago, and I exchanged the finished ones for a new stack.  This one had another eight albums, I think, covering the early 90s through around 2002.  Apparently after that my parents switched to digital, though I'm not sure where all of 2003 (the year I got married) ended up, as the folders on their computer don't show much from that time.  I'm currently somewhere after my freshman year of college.  We've entered into my parents' travel phase, and my brother had moved off on his own by that point, too, so as a whole the pictures from here on out will be more about my parents and less about the rest of us.  Not quite as entertaining, perhaps, but still good stuff in the long run.  But since I've made it through the majority of the stuff including me, I feel like I'm ready to reflect on the experience.

When I scanned my own photos and the old family ones that involved me, they made me reflect more on myself.  This set has been firmly entrenched in family--my immediate family and my extended family.  From little kid pictures of my oldest cousins to now-passed aunts and uncles back when they were new parents, each album brought so many smiles and a few brokenhearted moments, too.  Life goes on, as they say.  Sure, there are still moments where I've been able to look at myself a bit more, but mostly its within a context of my place within my family.  The journey has been very interesting, especially since I haven't looked at most of these in years (or in the case of the most recent photos, maybe ever?), and perspective definitely changes by the time you're pushing 40 with two kids of your own!  Here a just a few things that have made an impression:

1) Much like I found with my own photos, the photo taking was less frequent and probably not as great as hoped.  From large gaps in time (summer to Halloween was a frequent one early on) to a mere handful of pictures from significant events (and blurry ones at that), it sort of bummed me out yet again that we were all afraid to use too much film or didn't realize at the time that those moments were fleeting and needed to be captured.  My parents took barely a dozen pictures on their first trip to Vegas somewhere in the early 70s, though they had over 20 pictures of their adventures autograph seeking from the Buffalo Sabres in their early fandom days.  I think my baby pictures didn't start until I was two days old, and there were definitely fewer than I took of my kids!  There were certain milestones I was surprised weren't documented, like my departure for week-long sleepaway camp or a Ford Museum visit on a trip to Detroit when I was around 13.  I think I was also expecting something from a play we did for Mother's Day in first grade, but perhaps my mom didn't know what she was coming for!  Even the transition from our old house to our new one was pretty uneventful.  I'm sure they didn't realize it then, but it's interesting to see now.

2) Last summer at Jacob's birthday party, you may recall I was insistent on taking a picture of all of the cousins together.  

It was literally the first time all of the boys' cousins were in the same place at the same time, and it instantly reminded me of all of the pictures I have from my birthdays over the years (up through 13--once we were confirmed the parties were more just grandparents and godparents) with every cousin in attendance gathered around the birthday cake.  I had to have one of those for the next generation.

The first one...

...and the last one.

Similarly, the torture I put my kids through each Christmas with having to sit on the stairs has been validated each time I come across another year of stair pictures at my parents'.  

The first one...

The last one...at least before John missed one.  There may have been more but I haven't gotten there yet!

3) Seeing everyone so young and full of life has been interesting.  Young parents, fresh-faced brides and grooms, sweet babies...and knowing where some of those stories go has been hard.  I think some of it is the "This Is Us" effect.  Seeing the past while knowing the future is conflicting...but like I said previously, there are reasons God doesn't tell us everything ahead of time.  Seeing my last two uncles who passed away look so young and fun, or my other aunt and uncle who were the first and second of that generation to pass, back when they were new parents...or seeing my cousin Kristi as a new baby, knowing that she only had 27 years on this earth, or even my cousin Lisa from the point of view of knowing that she'd one day lose her 13-year-old son (who would have turned 14 this week).  All of it hurts.  But those were good moments at the time and I guess it's wonderful that those moments existed in the first place, regardless of what happened later.  Watching my parents go from practically kids to new parents to around my current age and beyond has been a journey, too, as it's clear how quickly time passes.  Perhaps the hardest moment for me was coming across the photos of my Uncle Cliff and Aunt Lynne's 40th birthday party, which I still remember.  As you may recall, we celebrated their 70th birthdays last year, and a year later my uncle was gone.  When I realized that only 31 years separated those moments--well within my lifetime--and I'm hitting that same milestone myself in less than six months, it stopped me in my tracks.  That time period from then to now went pretty fast, and knowing I could be at the end of my life in that same short span of time was sobering.

4) I miss my grandparents and everything they represent.  One grandma's cluttered kitchen.  The other's old house.  Crazy Christmases with family all around.  In the early pictures they were younger than my parents are now.  Later it was weird getting through a set of pictures and knowing that somewhere in the middle of them, my grandfather passed away.  I guess that one can go in the "lack of documentation" category, too, though obviously I wouldn't have expected to see that one.  But seeing them all through baptisms and birthdays and anniversaries brought back so many memories and made me wish I was around for so many others. 

5) Random revelations:

     a) My dad could take a selfie before it was a thing...

   b) Artistic shots were few and far between, but I loved this one...

That's my brother with a kite

     c) Everyone eventually gains weight.

     d) Our trip to Washington DC was busier and even more epic than I remembered (and I thought it was cool already).

     e) I'm extra jealous of the support my parents had that enabled them to go on as many trips and weekend getaways as they did!

One other thing I'm discovering as I get deeper into the photos is that there are probably a bunch I haven't even seen, since I was less likely to look at photo albums as I got older.  The ones from my college years are probably full of things I never knew existed, which is sort of exciting!  I'm most grateful, though, that this is allowing me to save all of these memories forever.  I've always feared something happening to these photos, my main link to my childhood.  I have plenty of real memories, of course, but these solidify them and also give me the points of reference that I crave.  Now that I'm doing this, a significant portion of my past is on my computer and uploaded to the internet for extra safety.  There is so much peace of mind in that.  I'm so grateful for this opportunity--including the reminder to ask questions about the pictures while I still can.  Nothing on earth is more special than family, and I've been blessed with a good one.  Now I have the photo proof.