News & Notes, New Car Edition

I picked up my car last Wednesday at lunchtime.  I hate that process more than life itself.  I have to say, the dealership was great and they probably made it as painless as possible.  But the whole money thing makes me nuts and all the warranty crap is agonizing.  I had come to a good place on what I was going to put down and was pretty dead set against the extended warranty.  But then...they showed this compelling graphic about all of the components on the car and the repair costs for them.  The problem with all of these newfangled cars is that everything is electronic.  All the cameras and sensors, a single screen that controls the radio, A/C, heat, and phone connectivity, just endless amounts of crap that can go wrong.  It shouldn't, mind you, as Subarus are good cars.  BUT.  A lot of those repairs were well over the threshold of the warranty cost.  I'll be paying this car off for six years, and if I have to make an expensive repair on top of it, that will suck.  Of course, adding that cost to the payment was not really within my comfort zone, but then the sales guy spoke my language--if I can commit to making bi-weekly payments, I can save $1,600 over the life of the loan and cut off seven months.  That pays for nearly half of the warranty right there, so if I'm really just paying $1,700 for eight years of peace of mind, I guess that's better.  So...that was agonizing but I guess I made peace with it.  And yes, the car is beautiful.  I love the color--it's a calming blue-gray, darker when it's cloudy but a sparkly lighter hue when it's sunny.  It's definitely nice, and I'm pleased with how it drives.  And winter isn't even here yet.

That said, I had about a dozen things to look up in the manual this weekend.  There are lots of buttons and things that I had no idea what they do.  I also needed to see if my plan for my CD collection would work (it will--the hard drive and low-profile USB are in my Amazon cart!).  I needed to see if the tiny possibility that our ancient garage door opener could connect to the built-in button fixes the fact our second opener remote broke months ago, but Craig was gone all weekend and I need his remote to do it.  I wasn't hopeful as I think we tried with Craig's van and it didn't work, and sure enough, nope.  I panicked late last week because I realized the navigation system that ties into my phone could drain my data, but I think I have a fix for that--so far so good.  I was happy to confirm that it did not have power seats, because once Jacob is driving that would have been a massive pain to make all those adjustments every time.  One lever is much easier!  I did realize on day one that it didn't have the trunk privacy screen I thought it would, but my dealer was amazing and found me one without charging me, which was really nice.  Like I said, they did a great job and we will not hesitate to go back there when Craig is ready to trade in the van.  But I still feel a little overmatched by all of the technology, so I have some adjusting to do.

The anxiety is still hanging in there.  I think it's let up some now that I've driven it a bit, but it's still there.  I'm still hesitant to make any non-essential drives, and I'm still on edge even with non-car things.  I realized I was feeling hesitant to even go back to the contents of my old car to start moving them into the new one.  I did sort through them a couple weeks ago, at least, but for whatever reason, it just felt hard to move everything in.  I'm sure there's some psychological reason around accepting reality and facing my mistake (again) and all of that.  I'm still terrified to drive a nice shiny new car that's so pretty and fancy.  I have major trust issues when I'm on the road.  Then I almost saw an accident this morning and it renewed all of that stress again.  Like I've said previously, this anxiety just seems to be hanging in there stronger than past accidents, and I've decided there may be some degree of "the straw that broke the camel's back" happening here--that all of the anxiety that's been hovering around me for the past four months (and likely 4+ years of the pandemic messing with my brain before that) got ratcheted up another level once the accident happened, and I just can't shake it now.

That's not to say I'm not trying.  I've been absolutely rocking my Walktober challenge at work.  October 1st was the only day this month I haven't hit the minimum 6,000 steps, and only three of those days were below 8,000.  I've been hitting all sorts of move and exercise streaks on my Apple Watch, which doesn't bode well for the upcoming monthly challenges.  Now that I've set the bar that high for activity, I will have massive goals to reach just as the weather is going to crap, which will make frequent walking a lot harder.  It's given me more time to appreciate the gorgeous fall we're having.  The weather has been pretty decent and we had a great stretch just as the trees were hitting peak.

Our backyard, looking at the neighbor's trees

The sun hitting this one just right on my walk

The trees outside Carter's old school turn gorgeous red, but they're lagging this year.  This was one branch that had changed.

With all the walks I've been taking, it's nice when something spices one up.  Last week I ran into my favorite neighborhood squirrel--he's white!  He lives mostly around the corner near the school, but most of the time I see him, he's too far for a good picture.  But he was right in front of me, and I remembered to snap a couple pictures.

I guess I caught him mid-leap?

The neighbor's tree just kept getting better--golden hour coming back from my walk was amazing!

Anyway, leaves seem to be officially past peak after a breezy day or two seemed to knock off some of the early reds, and then a few nights of frost seemed to trigger the next round.  My walks have had sections of fully blanketed sidewalk, and some of the colors seem to be fading.  It's still been a gorgeous fall, and I've really enjoyed it to the fullest with all of my walks, but I sort of hate that all of it had this car debacle as a backdrop most of the month.  And now it's a little sad to watch it start the downslope.  I always know that fall loses its glow a bit once Halloween is past, and that's coming soon.  But seeing the leaves start to fade has started that process ahead of the holiday--although it's probably later than average--so I'm already starting to look at November with a little funk.  We'll have exactly four weeks until Thanksgiving, which isn't my favorite because I always want that four-day weekend sooner than that and I don't like a short Christmas season.  I don't think we have much to break up the long November this year, although we do have the election next week, which could make things interesting, though probably not in any sort of good way.  It could be a very rough go regardless of who wins.

Anyway, over the weekend we had another rough day or two with Jacob's health.  He'd been having low-level headaches for a couple weeks, and they seemed to ramp up at the beginning of the weekend.  Adding to it was that he started to have weird pins-and-needles feelings in his hands and feet.  He'd been taking gabapentin for his shin for a few days and we wondered if it had ramped up the headaches a bit, so we had him stop, but that may have made the nerve pain worse.  He was freaking out again, insisting it was a brain abscess or something.  My theory is that he had some sort of pinched nerve, sort of like when I had headaches, jaw pain, sinus issues, and shoulder tightness last year at this time, and the occipital massage seemed to finally set things right.  I can imagine that some sort of misalignment or nerve thing could have caused all of that, especially since the nerve stuff tended to happen in certain positions.  It seems to have eased some, but it was an unpleasant couple days again.  We've gotten the results of the lactose part of the testing he did--that was negative, which wasn't a surprise but was still good to confirm.  We're still waiting on the SIBO part and I'm a little annoyed that it's taking this long.  It's good his stomach symptoms seem better, but I'm still convinced something is contributing to the reflux (which he still has) besides stress, and that could be key.  His shin is still annoying him and we're getting close to basketball season now and he's barely done any running in weeks just trying to protect it.  He's seeing another doctor next week.  He's just so over it and I don't blame him.

Saturday was Carter's last baseball game.  It was an interesting season.  Cut short by rain and a forfeit early in the season, plus a couple rained out practices, it was hard to get in a good groove.  I also missed most of the first half due to being out of town twice and working once.  I was surprised by the quality (or lack thereof) of the kids on the team.  It sounded like a lot of them play travel baseball, but the skill level wasn't great.  Hitting was iffy--some kids were still a bit afraid of the ball or psyched out by decent pitching.  Fielding remains a bit rough, but by the end it seemed like they were getting there unless the sun was in their eyes or someone hit a super hard shot that they weren't prepared for.  The pitching was a constant struggle, and in this age group it's huge because lots of walks = lots of stolen bases = lots of runs.  They usually hit their max runs almost every inning--almost always defensively and most of the time offensively unless they hit a good pitcher, in which case they might score none, especially if the "scared" part of the batting order was up.  It made for a few very high-scoring games.  They had a couple ties and a few 15-run games, but their first win proved elusive all season long.  This last game was an away game in the city, and nothing delighted me more than pulling into the lot and seeing this:

Amanda Conrow was the daughter of friends of mine from college.  I'm sure I mentioned her here years ago when she was going through treatment.  She passed away from cancer in early 2015, but oh, the people she inspired while she was here!  She played Little League on that field, and when she passed away it was named in her honor, complete with the purple minion on the little shed.  She loved the minions, and her favorite color was purple.  The team that does the annual hospital walk-a-thon in her honor is still Amanda's Purple Minions.  Seeing that field in person just made my day and warmed my heart.

It was a weird but typical fall day.  Sometimes it looked like this:

The battle of the sun vs. the dark clouds was crazy.  But other times it was raining and chilly.  When the sun was out it was pretty tolerable despite being in the 50s.  When it was not, it got pretty rough.  Luckily the rain wasn't soaking and we managed.  It didn't strike me as the typical chilled-to-the-bone cold, either, but for once we played a full game (apparently the usual time constraints didn't hold with this one) and by the end we played one more inning than I think most of us were really up for, and that last one felt downright cold.  We were all really ready for some warmth after that!  But this game finally seemed to be a good matchup for us.  It seemed that the backstop was more responsive so every ball that went past the catcher had a quicker turnaround, so there were fewer stolen bases, and I think we had enough over-active swingers on both sides that there were more strikes than usual.  The pace was so much better and rarely did either team hit the maximum five runs.  There were two inside-the-park home runs for us (one shouldn't have been but the catcher dropped the ball) and Carter even got a triple, as did his friend Noel.  We won by a bunch in the end, which was a really nice way to end it.

I'm so proud of how Carter played.  He fits in perfectly with seasoned players after just a couple real seasons and a tiny bit last fall.  He's willing to work at it, and I hope it's enough to get him on the modified team in 7th grade.  We've thought about trying travel next year, but Jacob's travel could be intense this spring (and that really has to take priority because of college recruiting and scholarship potential--I know that seems unfair to Carter but it's true, and a scholarship for Jacob likely benefits Carter in the long run, too).  But honestly, based on what we saw with this team, I don't think travel is really considerably better than what he'll see with just regular Little League next year, so I think for practicality and financial reasons, we'll stick with Little League for another year and see how it goes.

So, here we are at Halloween week.  My costume for work is ready to go (minus some post-transport final construction), but Carter is sort of undecided still.  I'm hesitant to spend a ton of money on a costume that he'll only wear for a little bit at school (half day) and a little bit for trick-or-treating.  It's one thing if he's dead-set on a costume, but given his indifference right now, I'm not sure $40 is worth it, assuming we could even find anything left.  I have a Pinterest idea that might work in a pinch for trick-or-treating, but he wasn't convinced and last-minute shopping was a bust, so he'll probably just be a baseball player.  It's going to be a weirdly warm day, but it could rain for trick-or-treating.  But hey, my costume involves an umbrella so maybe I'll be set either way?  Anyway, the path to the holidays is officially in sight.  I'm not sure I'm mentally ready for it, but ready or not, here we go...

Waiting Weekend

I realized while on my walk the other day that October has been a weird time warp for me.  In some ways it's gone fast and I can't believe we're three-quarters of the way through the month.  But in other ways time has dragged painfully.  Like, yes, it's hard to believe Halloween is next week, but also, I feel like 9 days is still an awful lot of time before that happens.  The weather has also been mostly warm aside from about a five-day stretch of below average cold, and in fact this week we have 70s again.  I assume my mental state and all of this car stuff is the culprit for the dragging.  It's been agonizing in so many ways.  Things are still dragging with the car process.  I'm not picking it up until Wednesday now, which is a bit inconvenient since my rental car went back Monday.  It took until Tuesday to get my settlement approved because the lien removal documents never got sent to me back when I paid it off seven years ago, and Toyota never faxed it to the insurance company the other day like they said they would.  The mailed version showed up faster, believe it or not.  Luckily I have the money in my account to make it work, but what a pain this has been.  And now with one vehicle for a couple days, things have just felt really complicated.

I'm still not happy about driving.  I can do it but I'm really nervous and just don't enjoy it anymore.  The risk of something happening is just all too clear to me.  You can be perfect and still have something happen, so when you haven't been perfect, it just seems like the odds are stacked against you, you know?  I'm trying to be hyper-aware, but then I catch myself momentarily distracted again--not in a way that should cause an accident, just quick stuff--but in my case it did so now I'm stuck in this perfectionist place where I am afraid it will happen again and I have to do everything right.

I was thinking about my past accidents and trying to figure out why this one is harder for me to come back from.  The first one was just a typical bumper-to-bumper in slow traffic one, a stereotypical "accident" for sure.  My car was becoming a money pit by that point, so I suppose I was a little relieved to get an "adult" car that should hold up.  My second and third were both sort of freak accidents with people swerving into my lane on the highway.  My reaction to the swerve maybe wasn't ideal, but both felt sort of like, if I didn't do what I did it could have been worse.  The first one sucked because it was a really bad accident, I was pregnant, and my car was still pretty new and almost paid off.  That one was pretty traumatizing for a long time because of how much worse it could have been, but I think the Christmas season and the prospect of getting ready for Carter's birth helped me move on sooner.  My last one was frustrating for sure, but after an annoying stretch of waiting and being mad at myself, I got my car back intact and could more easily put it behind me and pretend it never happened.  This time, nothing is helping.  Now I have all of that history with three totaled cars, my own stupid mistake, and the knowledge of how quickly a good day can turn bad.  And having a new car will remind me of all of that daily, plus the added pressure of having a new car that's more expensive and fancier than I've ever had, and that there's no room for error now, is just too much.  It's just hanging so heavy over me still, more than two weeks later.  I definitely think I'll need some professional help to move past it this time, because no amount of prayer or rationalization is really helping.  I am forcing myself to drive, of course, but I'm disliking every minute.

What worries me most is that this anxiety has not only taken hold with driving, but it has carried over to everything else--from randomly worrying about forgetting keys or my phone (lots of purse checking currently), or worrying about health stuff or house stuff.  It seems to be seeping into everything, and I know a lot of it is irrational, but I just can't shake it.  For example, I'm all paranoid about this dehumidifier mess.  I really want the company to make it right so I'm trying to hold off on buying another one in case a miracle happens, but I also feel like the borrowed one isn't working right and feel like I need to get that replaced ASAP before we have a bigger issue.  I think it's removing moisture okay, but I don't think the sensor is working right because it almost never stops running, even when the heat is on.  Usually in the winter it runs way less, but during our recent cold spell it didn't stop.  Sometimes you hear it turn off for a second, but it starts right back up.  I guess I worry about it burning out, so I feel like I need to just bite the bullet and buy a new one, but the whole situation is SO frustrating now that it's hard to bring myself to deal with it.  Even outside of that, I just always feel like there's something I should be doing, remembering, fixing, or thinking about and it just fills me with this sense of dread, even if it's not about anything in particular.  It's like when I was worried about Jacob's health, where every moment is heavy, but at least this is mostly minus the instant nausea.  It's not the same weight as something that threatens your people, but it's a weight nonetheless.  

I'm still having trouble sleeping, too.  I keep hoping this is just a hormonal fluctuation and it will go away like it has a couple times in the past, but it's lasting a while this time.  Like clockwork, I will wake up from a deep sleep with a vivid dream about six hours after going to bed, and the rest is a light doze at best.  I'm not uncomfortable or anything, but my brain immediately gets moving no matter how I try to quiet it back down.  So I might doze off for a bit, but inevitably some train of thought or worrying through different scenarios just keeps it a bit too awake so the sleep never lasts long.  I flip over and try again, for however long until my alarm sounds.  I'm wondering if there's a way to mess with my REM cycle in a different way, like with Z-Quil or something, just to trick it into getting back on schedule or at least out of this weird cycle.  I just don't want tiredness to chip away further at whatever sanity I have left.  I really wanted to catch up on sleep this past weekend and it didn't go well.

In other news, Jacob had his stomach test on Friday morning.  He did better with the diet than I was expecting.  He was annoyed for sure, but he wasn't as hangry as I expected by Thursday night when he had his third meal of the day comprised mostly of plain chicken and rice.  He did eat a tremendous amount of food on Friday afterward, though.  We're still waiting on results.  In fact, the whole weekend just felt like I was waiting for something to happen--I don't know if it was particularly expecting something bad, or just hoping for progress on something in my life, or what--but I was constantly on edge just anticipating...anything, or nothing at all.  

We had baseball Saturday morning--Carter did such a good job pitching in the last inning and got on base every at-bat, including a couple nice hits.  After that I did some laundry and grocery shopping and should have been more productive around the house, but I just chose to let myself rest a bit.  I might regret it all week, but it just felt important this time around to watch a show I was bingeing ("Nobody Wants This" on Netflix--heard it was great, I found it cute but a bit agonizing) and make a couple pairs of beaded earrings just because. It's a weird habit but it's cool to see what I can make. We had a nice dinner out together on Saturday night, too.

Sunday we debated doing the pumpkin patch thing, but unfortunately, Craig's meniscus is really bugging him and Jacob is still dealing with a grouchy shin on the heels of his sprained ankle, so they didn't really feel up to it.  So, faced with gorgeous 70 degree weather, Carter and I decided to just go (with their blessing).  I'd like to cram something else in with Jacob later this week, but Craig is starting training camp so I don't know if we'll be able to make it work with all of us.  Carter and I had a great time, as usual.  We were a little worried when we got there because there was a long line just to get in, but it turned out pretty much fine.

Who is this big kid, anyway?

Had to take our wagon ride selfie!

They were celebrating the 75th anniversary of Peanuts, so there were a couple fun photo ops.

The corn maze was also Peanuts themed.  I tried to be festive and consented to doing it, but geez, I still don't know how we got out of there.

Carter really wanted to race the pedal carts.  He had a big lead here but we pretty much ended up tied.

What it looked like in the corn maze, just before we found the exit.  Even looking at the map didn't help much!

The ball throwing was not the same without Jacob there, but Carter had fun doing baseball this time!

Another fun photo op!

We joke about having a pet wallaby, so it was fun to actually see a few.

And of course, what would a visit be without a kangaroo in its preferred nap pose.  This one didn't look as muscular as some I've seen.  

I was hoping to see one they had with a joey, but no luck since they were all napping.  We did the slides and the zip line (always a favorite).  The peacock couple was in the aviary, and if you look close, the male's feathers were so pretty, right down to the tail.

We saw this adorable little pig.

And of course, what would a visit be without an emu portrait.

We ventured over into the little kid area because I mentioned the water pump duck race and Carter wanted to do it.  Of course, only one really worked right.  We still did a timed race!

We got to see the porcupine, too.  Giant quills!

Had to get one more fun photo op of Carter...

...and one more for me!

We measured up to last year--he's definitely taller, but the best measure is his pants these days.  You should have seen how short some of his pants were this fall!

Since we couldn't get a good picture of an awake kangaroo, this had to do!

Before we left Carter wanted to play with the gourds!

We weren't there as long as I expected--long enough to have fun but it seemed like we got through things extra quickly.  I guess he's outgrown a lot, and these days one round of most of the things is enough, compared to a dozen slides when he was little or needing to climb on every little thing.   The extra fun stuff costs more money, and we opted not to do them partly because those lines were long.  It wasn't the same without our full crew, but hopefully next year.  It was nice to get it in, though.

So on through the week we go.  Tomorrow is car day, despite the chaos it's going to cause getting me to work and back so I don't miss a meeting.  Jacob's been all over the place this week, despite our lack of a second car and some evening work meetings, from his usual medical stuff to school basketball shoot-arounds, even though he's still not doing much because of his shin.  And, oh yeah, now he's had a long string of dull headaches to add to his list of symptoms.  It never seems to end, darn it.  And training camp starts this weekend, so Craig will start getting busier as well.  Halloween is next week, and off we'll go toward the holidays.  Geez.  I just need a mental break, somehow, because that just feels like one more massive mountain to climb that I simply don't have the energy for.  But first, one small step tomorrow...

Stuck

I've admittedly felt pretty down since the car accident.  I can't seem to shake feeling stupid and frustrated.  I realized that I have lost trust in myself, which has sent me on a whole other spiral beyond the immediate frustration with the situation I've put myself in.  I was hoping it would get better after a little bit of time, but if anything it probably got worse for at least a week or more, and even now, almost two weeks later, I'm just stuck in a perpetual cycle of shame and sadness and fear that I can't quite figure out how to get out of.  I'm trying, but when that illusion of control is lost, it's hard to recover from sometimes.  And I think on the fringes of all that's happened over the past few months, my system is just sort of ill-equipped to fight it off harder.  I'm tired.

The lack of trust in myself is a tough one.  I try to be a good driver, but clearly accidents happen.  I guess I sort of expected that if something was going to happen, it would be a bit more typical, like one of the areas that usually make me nervous while driving.  I'm constantly worried about things like backing into someone in the chaotic Wegmans parking lot, a slippery snow accident, bumper-to-bumper traffic, or any number of other places or scenarios that feel precarious even on a good day.  I did not have rear-ending someone on a random country road on my driving BINGO card, and the fact that it happened via a very momentary attention lapse now has me questioning everything.  I guess it was quite unlucky as we all have those moments, whether it's simply glancing at the preview of a text you just got, or momentarily looking at the radio or A/C system, or noticing something on the side of the road.  Mine just happened to happen when traffic came to a dead stop moments after a little hill in the road, so clearly bad timing, but how often do we do those things and it's fine?  So knowing I was already really trying to be careful and this still happened, how on earth do I avoid it happening again without making myself a nervous wreck on the road?  I already had trust issues after my last accident when someone swerved into my lane, so I'm constantly trying to avoid being in people's blind spots and staying away from people who almost swerve into other lanes up ahead of me.  Now I'm trying to leave as much space as possible between myself and the car in front of me.  I'm even more nervous because I have no doubt my insurance would drop us if I had another accident, so I'm pretty much having to drive around with zero room for error for the foreseeable future.  It makes driving not fun and definitely not relaxing.  I have been a low-key basket case pretty much every drive I've had to do since the accident, and it sucks.  And knowing I have this much experience and it still happened, combined with the realization that my eldest child will be an inexperienced driver in the not-too-distant future, pretty much makes me full-on crazy.  

My car officially got totaled last Friday.  I spent the whole week on edge every time I got a call from a number I didn't recognize (and it was an abnormally busy week for that).  I finally got a text late in the day Friday on a pre-dinner walk, and it pretty much crushed me for the weekend.  I had a feeling it was coming but I was trying to stay hopeful.  I think it was just a little too old with a little too much mileage to offset the damage, which stinks because that car probably could have driven another 75-100K miles with minimal issues, yet now I have to pay a ton of money for a new one, both up front and monthly for the next six years.  The whole car buying situation is ridiculous compared to the last time I did it.  Admittedly, last time I was pregnant and less than five years removed from the time before that, so I literally bought the newest version of the exact same car I had to keep things as simple as possible.  This time I felt ready for something different, but oh man, have times changed.  Prices are so much higher than last time I bought, the loan rates are ridiculous, and stock is still sketchy post-pandemic.  It's not as bad as during the pandemic, but it's not good.  Then I keep thinking about all of the cars that got flooded out with two straight hurricanes down south and wonder how on earth anyone is going to get a car...especially since there were probably dealerships that got swamped as well.  Anyway, I miss the days of standard 0.9% financing and knowing whatever I want is probably readily available.  

I ended up getting my settlement amount midday Monday, and that helped a tiny bit as it confirmed I'd be able to put a decent amount down to try to bring my payment down.  It was more than I was expecting, to be honest.  I was hopeful it could be in that range, but I really had no idea.  With that and a bit more from savings I hoped we'd be able to get the payment down to a better level, but still far from ideal.  I was also disappointed to realize that dealerships are closed on Sundays.  For people who have Saturday kid activities, Sunday is the one day that has a chunk of shopping time, but unfortunately that weird old law that limited Sunday business operation still somehow stands for dealerships, and I guess it hasn't been fought since banks aren't open anyway and it forces a day off for employees.  But what a pain, especially since evening hours aren't exactly bountiful either.  I ended up taking a half day in the middle of the day Tuesday to shop.  Fortunately one of my target vehicles worked out--I liked the test drive and they managed to work out a good payment--still higher than I'd like but lower than I originally feared.  So it looks like I'll be getting a Subaru Crosstrek!  I looked at a Toyota Corolla Cross, which is another small SUV, but between their higher financing and less availability, it just wouldn't work out.  It's too bad, but maybe it's good I don't have so many decisions to make since I'm terrible at that.

Even still, we're officially going to have to make some budgeting decisions to make this more comfortable, which isn't really something we've had to do before.  I pay a lot of the household bills and my salary offsets that reasonably well most months, but with the rise in grocery prices and the general creep-up of everything else, this is going to officially throw that balance off.  It looks like we're finally going to have to cut the cable cord and then I might shift one bill over to Craig for now.  He had both a car payment and tuition for a while, which he hasn't had for a couple years now, so he's been saving up since and has more leeway to take that on.  But it definitely puts us in a crappy spot because the van is starting to have issues and will probably need to be replaced soon as well, which means two car payments at some point.  Plus we need a new roof and Disney beckons again next year.  I know logic says that maybe Disney will have to wait, but I don't think most people would understand how important it is to Jacob and his very particular mental health, not to mention the family memory thing we've been trying so hard to cultivate since the pandemic.  So that will be hard to postpone without a lot of angst.  But with college on the horizon a couple years down the road, I'm mildly concerned about how on earth we can save up enough to be helpful to Jacob.  It's so hard.  And that's part of the reason why I just can't stop beating myself up for one stupid moment that so negatively impacted our family's financial situation for the foreseeable future.

But even without the car stuff and the mental difficulties surrounding driving, I just feel overwhelmed.  I definitely think it's time to start seeing someone to talk a lot of these things through.  There's just so many things that are weighing heavily on me, from all the trauma of the kids' medical stuff for the last four months, to my general mood, to feeling so overwhelmed by life in general--it's just time.  Everything feels like there's no solution and never going to get better, and I need to fix that.  There's just so much anxiety from the past four months in general, and it has me on edge and exhausted.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting to do something or second-guessing if I have my keys or my phone.  It's just a constant feeling of fear and worry and foreboding.  I'm struggling to focus at work and I just feel out of it at home.  I know I'm not good company right now and just don't feel like doing much or having fun.  But being alone is hard too, because I'm stuck with all of the negative thoughts creeping in.  I've had to do a lot of walking lately for my work Walktober challenge, and while it feels like it should be a mental health boost (and maybe somehow it still is), I struggle with how to occupy my mind when I'm alone with my thoughts.  Oh, and sleeping is no better.  I've been waking up around 5am pretty much every morning for the last few weeks.  It's so frustrating to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.  Half the time it's because my brain is annoyed it's too close to when my alarm is going off, and the rest of the time my brain immediately works itself into a frenzy over one stressful thing or another.  It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I wake up sometime between 5 and 5:30 and barely doze the rest of the way, even on weekends.  It's not doing my mental health any favors, I'm sure.  I've had this happen before for weeks at a time, and sometimes I think it's a hormonal, peri-menopause thing, so I'm hoping it goes away soon. 

I'm just stuck in a spot right now where I feel like I'm making a solid effort in so many areas of my life, but it's just not good enough.  I've already talked about my driving not being good enough, but it extends so much farther.  I feel like I am constantly cleaning things in my house, but they still end up being constantly messy.  I try to make good meals but inevitably they all seem really repetitive and not particularly exciting or well-received.  I feel like I am constantly moving from task to task, but there's always more waiting.  I feel like we're pretty careful with our money compared to so many other people, and yet everything still feels tight.  I'm tired of dealing with a steady stream of super expensive grocery trips that never seem to get us what we need, and managing every unexpected expense that comes our way.  We're okay in the grand scheme of things--we have savings and it's not really draining, but it feels threatened constantly.  I just dread the thought of digging into our savings for anything, let alone a car, a roof, probably another car, and ideally a kitchen and landscaping overhaul after that.  It just never seems to end, you know?  And never mind the election that's happening in three weeks.  I can't even, because I'm not sure either candidate has the answers, and some of the scenarios are downright scary.

I just had a very rough weekend in particular, and it was made worse by discovering that the replacement dehumidifier for the replacement that didn't work doesn't work either!  I swear I'm not stupid and I swear I'm not doing it wrong.  The outlet works with the original one that's broken as well as the one we're borrowing.  I don't even have to hit the power buttons and they come on, including the one that's the same model as the non-working ones.  The new ones do not work in other outlets either.  The odds seem slim, but I think we must just have a crappy delivery guy who's throwing it around or something.  We were so careful taking it out of the box just in case, and I was SO upset when I plugged the new one in and it did nothing.  Now we have FOUR dehumidifiers that need expensive recycling AND we need to buy a new one because I don't think I'm going through this process again.  I am still going to try to get something back from the company to offset the recycling fees or something, but my first attempt didn't go well and it's so disappointing that the problem is still not solved six months later.

Jacob seems a little better overall on the stomach stuff, but his shin flared up again this week so we've been back on mental health support duty for him.  In addition, I've been completely dreading his SIBO test this week.  We ended up pushing it back a week due to the extensive prep needed.  The pre-test diet is very specific and we needed to figure out how to feed him when it doesn't lend itself to a packed school lunch.  He misses so much school for all of his appointments and this is no exception, so we just needed more time to figure out how to keep him in school and also line up our work schedules to coordinate better.  The diet is pretty sad--plain boiled/baked chicken, boiled eggs, plain white rice, and some select crackers and bread (although the bread situation was too confusing with gluten-free bread so we're skipping that)--all with nothing more than salt and pepper (which he typically doesn't use).  I was miserable on it eight years ago (this week, no less!) so I've been dreading his frustration with it.  I do hope the test gives us a helpful answer after all of the prep that goes into it, but we'll see.

I know that I should be excited to get the car, but I'm just not.  I don't feel like I can put this whole thing behind me because I will have a constant reminder of my screw-up, now with the added bonus of driving around a very expensive vehicle with high anxiety.  Oh, and even the process of offloading my old car has been a debacle.  I had to go grab a couple more things out of it last weekend, and they suggested taking the plates off when I did that.  The front plate came off okay, but the back plate had some sort of weird rubbery screws that the screwdriver just shredded.  I was so annoyed that even that task I couldn't just wrap up.  The collision shop had to take it off for me and I had to pick it up.  Driving away from my car for the last time finally got me teary for the first time in this whole mess.  And then I tried to send my title to the insurance company only to find out that I apparently never got my lien release letter or updated title...or if I did it somehow never made it in my car folder, which seems unlikely to me.  So now I'm playing a waiting game for Toyota Financial to fax the right thing to the insurance guy (real version is coming to me but sooner is better).  If the holdup continues I might have to take a boatload of money out of my account on Tuesday until the new stuff makes it in.  At least there's enough there...but geez.  Apparently picking out the car is the easiest part of this whole thing?  Eeesh.

So...yeah, I'm just not in a great place right now.  I'm praying, I will call for a therapist, but in the short term things are pretty rough.  Mentally and physically I think I need some sort of reset, but I have no idea what that would be right now.  Lord knows time and money are not on my side to make that happen, nor do I want to drive myself anywhere.  Sigh.  I'm just so STUCK.

Amazing Weekend...EXCEPT...

You know how I have this complex now that we can't seem to have a nice trip without something sort of raining on the parade?  Jacob's injuries on our midwest travels last spring, COVID after Cedar Point, COVID before Disney plus a hurricane, all of the health problems before almost every trip this summer.  I had hoped our mostly uneventful Cedar Point trip in August this year broke the curse (although we did have a couple minor hiccups then, too), but apparently not.

Friday started out as such a good day.  We did have a couple appointments for Jacob--he had a PT appointment where I finally scheduled some PT for myself for my bum arm, and then we met with the GI doctor.  She wasn't particularly concerned either, and originally we were just going to continue the omeprazole for a couple more months, but I knew it probably wouldn't keep Jacob content if we didn't have some sort of better action plan.  So at the last minute I asked if it could be a bacterial overgrowth or anything like that, so we scheduled for a breath test and lactose intolerance test Thursday.  That felt better than just waiting around doing the same thing we did most of the summer, at least.  However, it hit me that the diet for the test is pretty complex--or rather, seriously simple to the point that it needs me to be preparing all of his food the entire day before--so we postponed for a week to plan a bit better and make the work situation a little less complicated.  I guess for now we just keep an eye on him and hope for the best. 

I came home from those appointments, packed up, and got ready to leave for my weekend in Binghamton with Heather and Mason that was long overdue.  I hatched a plan the night before to try to hit up Buttermilk Falls outside Ithaca, since I hadn't been there before but had heard good things.  I realized that Taughannock Falls was right on the way so I figured I'd hop off there for five minutes just to run to the observation deck and see what the falls looked like that day.  If you recall, last time I went there it was a giant torrent of water because of crazy rains the night before.  I knew it would be much less this time, but wasn't sure how much less.  Also, fall leaves are really just starting so I didn't have high hopes for that, but I figured keeping expectations low was better than prime fall time when you're expecting amazing and just end up with a bunch of yellows and browns.

My drive was really nice--sunny, pleasant, lovely country roads, and a giant Slurpee.  I did my quick stop-off at Taughannock, which was much busier than it was last time I was there.  I snagged a parking spot and quickly walked to the observation area.  Unfortunately, the sun was so bright that it was hard to get good pictures, particularly since the water was just a trickle compared to my last visit.  

I had to use my real camera to get this shot because the glare was too much for my phone.  The colors were just starting.

I did get to see a large bird (probably a hawk or vulture) flying around, which was cool but very hard to capture with the glare.  

It's blurry up close but at least you can make out the shape here.

I would have loved to go down to the gorge to compare water levels to last time, but I was already running later than I wanted to be.  I left home mostly on time for what I had been planning, but I realized I sort of underestimated how much longer my hike would be than normal walking since I would be taking pictures and appreciating the view.  I could have rushed it at home but after Jacob's appointments I had to finish packing and make some lunch, and I knew Craig was stopping home so I didn't rush out so I could see him.  But then I realized en route that with two stops it might make me later than I planned, so I had to move on and vow to come back another day.  On to Buttermilk further down the road!

Buttermilk ended up pretty incredible.  I wasn't too sure early on because the big waterfall at the base of the gorge trail was barely a trickle as well.  It was a far cry from some of the pictures I had seen before.  The view over the bottom area was still pretty nice.

Crossing a bridge at the bottom of the gorge, from the parking area to the trail.

The waterfall was a bit lackluster...

Looking back down at the base

But as I climbed further up the stairs, it became apparent this would not disappoint.  It was one waterfall after another, after another, and because these were smaller, the water was more concentrated, which meant they were a bit more impressive than the big one.  

Looking back from a bit higher up

The sky above was so blue and even though the foliage hadn't changed much, it still felt pleasantly fall-like.  Looking just off the path I happened to notice this leaf that had perfectly fallen to rest on some stems and the sun was shining through at just the right angle to illuminate it.

This cave-like area was so cool.

It just kept going, winding and twisting through.

Every scene was more beautiful than the last.

Just when I thought it couldn't get cooler, some of the waterfalls had these deep plunge pools beneath them, much like I mostly remember seeing at Watkins Glen.  They were deeper so the water looked blue-green in them, as opposed to the shallower areas where the water was clear and showed the brown rock.  It was so pretty.  

The bridges always add a certain something.

This spot was pretty cool.  The tiered waterfall, a drippy ledge off to the right, and some peeks of the sun as I got closer to the top of the gorge.

Another pool!

This giant rock structure was so interesting.  It was just a single pillar.  I suppose once upon a time maybe it was connected to the gorge wall somehow?  

At the end of the gorge trail, which involved a LOT of stairs and kept my heart rate up almost the whole time, I had to cross a bridge on a main road to head to the rim trail.  The rim trail started out as a nice walk, a very pretty shaded stroll.  I found some fun fungi along the way.  

I was a little disappointed that there were nearly no views of the gorge from there, but it was still a nice path.  As it went on, though, it got steeper and harder to navigate.  It was so sloped in parts that my toes were shoving up into the front of my sneakers and it got uncomfortable.  I wasn't too concerned with falling or anything (although if it was muddier I would have been), but it was definitely a less enjoyable walk down.  

Is pink a fall color?  This felt like pink.

I got back in the car and started my last leg to Endicott, where Heather lives now.  They moved earlier in the summer to a lovely new house that had more room for their family, including her mom who moved to Binghamton a couple years ago to help with Mason.  It just made financial and logical sense for her to move in when the new house had space for her.  I was so excited to see them all and see the house.  I got through Ithaca, and waved to the world's most obnoxious Taco Bell where we had the infamous long wait behind the guy in mushroom gear when we were offered a ridiculous number of waters.  Ithaca is always a little busy and stressful, mostly because of Cornell, and I finally got through and out to the country roads.  And that's when things went a wee bit off course.

To be honest, I'm not even really sure how it happened.  There was a little hill in the road, and shortly after there was a backup of a few cars where one was waiting to turn.  I must have crested the hill, looked away for half a second (not my phone, I swear) and immediately there was a car right there...and I hit it.  Dammit.  That was the most sickening, horrible, is-this-really-happening feeling ever.  I don't want to dwell on this, so here are the highlights:

• The guy I hit was a very nice, calm college student on his way home to New Jersey.  He was very sweet about everything.  His car had some bumper damage, maybe into the wheel well.  It ended up being driveable.
• My car did not fare as well.  It completely exploded the front passenger headlight and crunched up the hood, front grill and passenger side bumper.  It looked worse than it felt.  The trooper thought it was driveable because it wasn't leaking or rubbing but maybe it would have been OK for five minutes, not hours.
• The trooper took forever to get there.  Should have been a sign.  Thankfully I did not get ticketed.
  
• The insurance company set me up for a tow, which after a lot of agonizing I decided to have done back to Rochester.  It was a little outside the radius, but what choice did I have?  I knew where I wanted it fixed so I just had it go back there.
  
• No one seemed to be picking up the tow job, even hours later, so I spent a lot of the next few hours on the side of the road as it was getting dark calling the company to see if I could get an update, during which I figured out they had the start and destination addresses wrong...twice.  I don't know that I've ever spent that much time on hold.  It was extremely frustrating, especially as my phone battery was going down and I wasn't entirely sure how long my car battery would last.
  
• By the time Heather and Peter got there to pick me up, there was still no tow update so I set one up through AAA to the closest garage where the car could at least wait for the final tow back to the collision shop in Rochester.  That took about 40 minutes, at which point the driver told me there's pretty much only one truck on in Ithaca on weekends at any given time, which didn't give me much hope for the Rochester tow.  I was worried because the car had to be left at the shop unlocked with the key under the mat because I had no idea when the next tow truck would get there.  It couldn't go in the drop box because that wouldn't be open until Monday.  I emptied everything out of it so there wasn't really much to steal, but it was stressful in this age of joyriding.  I figured if anything happened I should put it back on the insurance company's crappy setup for finding tow trucks.
  
• Overall it was a pretty miserable four hours on the side of the road, but thankfully I never had to pee and hunger wasn't overwhelming.  I was probably calmer than I expected all things considered, but I was pretty much dying inside.  It was just stressful being SO mad at myself and worrying about the tow and the car and how much I was inconveniencing everyone else and possibly ruining the weekend.  In all the back and forth with Heather and Craig, I got all parties to agree to meet somewhere in the middle on Sunday to get me home.  At least it seemed like we could make a weekend of it, and I guess it was good to have a distraction.
  

We made it back to Heather's probably a little after 9:30.  Mason refused to go to bed until I got there, so he was very happy to see me and give me the house tour.  He went down pretty good after that.  Heather and I stayed up chatting, and somewhere around 11pm I got a text that my car was getting picked up by the same company that picked it up from the road.  Knowing that drivers were scarce, I was a bit confused.  I thought maybe they were taking it back to their own lot or something so it would at least be secure--that after hearing my story, maybe the guy had pity on me and decided to keep it safe for the weekend until he could take it back to Rochester at a better time.  But the next time I checked the tracker, I realized it was up near Cortland, which was way north of us.  That was when I realized it actually was going back to Rochester right then and there!  I'm not sure how it happened but it did.  Unfortunately I'll probably get dinged for quite a few more overage miles because of that route, but that was the quickest and safest route for a truck like that, so I understand it.  Funny story--I got a cell phone call during dinner on Monday from another tow truck driver from the same company who was looking for me on that route!  I didn't get any further notifications that someone had been dispatched (again), but apparently it was somehow still stuck in their system.  I guess that was probably good news he didn't need to go all the way to Rochester (apparently he just came back from here), but I felt bad that he'd been looking for me.  Anyway, it took me forever to get to sleep Friday night just replaying the entire mess in my head, but once I did I slept pretty well, though it wasn't really long enough at that point.

One other bummer to the weekend was the revelation that Heather's mom has bone cancer.  It's one that doesn't necessarily have a cure but hopes to put her into remission long-term.  She is 80, so I suppose that's a little different than someone much younger, but at least the chemo side effects don't seem as taxing as some.  It's still pretty crushing, because her mom is seriously one of the best humans I know.  She doesn't act her age at all, so it's very easy to forget how old she is.  She's been through so much in her life and yet is so strong and so positive.  She felt bad because she came to live with them to help with Mason and this will make that hard, but now it's good she's there because they can help her.  It was all meant to be.  I'm hopeful things will go well, but that was definitely not good news.

Otherwise, Saturday was a nice day.  We started out with some French toast, and then we spent some time playing before going outside to check out the lovely hillside view and giving Mason some playtime.  I took this weird but cool picture of Mason and his Grammy.  I wish it would have focused on them, but bubbles pop quickly and kids move fast, so this was the best I could get.  And then it was time for lunch, so the opportunity had passed!

After lunch we went to a pumpkin patch!  It was a nice mid-sized one, lots of activities but not overwhelmingly large.  It had a lot of good stuff for little kids like Mason, like inflatables, a straw crawl, a corn box, a little train, and lots of things to see.  It also had bigger kid stuff like zip lines and a cool playground area with stand-up swings, hamster wheels, and a little go-kart type track.  There was a speed pitch, pumpkin painting, snacks and a gift shop, as well as a hayride.

Pirate ship slide!

I'm not sure what Mason liked more, this cart of skeletons, or the inflatables where he spent a good chunk of the day--he loved both a slide and a bounce house.

They had a bunch of pumpkin people, including these Peanuts people.

Mason also loved the corn box and the straw crawl.  He said the straw crawl was like Chutes and Ladders because they had slides off some of the hay bales.  He played in the corn and with a small inflatable slide for quite a while.

He took a little train ride, which he said gave him a headache because it was bumpy.

They also had a bunch of hay bale sculptures.  A lot were animals...

...but this one cracked me up.

During Mason's last run in the bounce house, he bounced himself out of the house and landed on his mouth, causing it to bleed.  I forgot how much I hate mouth injuries because you can never tell where the blood is coming from!  He cried for a minute and we wiped him up a bit, and then he was right back at it, of course!

We grabbed a snack since we suspected Mason might need a second wind, and then we headed off to the hayride.  It was nice and not too bumpy, and we went past this gorgeous field of sunflowers.

We then exchanged Mason photos!

Somehow he did not fall asleep on the way home (thank you, kettle corn), and we spent a good chunk of the rest of the day waiting for the big crash!  He wasn't too interested in dinner, but otherwise, he survived until bedtime!  

I haven't even gotten into my time with him.  He was so happy to see me and I got a lot of hugs and "I love yous" over the course of the weekend.  Toddlers can be so great like that.  I am definitely getting too old for the random, sudden tantrums (ha) but overall he's a really good kid.  And holy cow, SO smart!  He has a brain that is all sponge, apparently, but it is nurtured by good parents and diligent babysitters.  For example, he's not even four and is super into the periodic table of elements.  He knows their names and knows how to set up the table with a pack of flashcards he has.  In true toddler fashion he got bored with it before he was done, but what he did do was incredible.  He's also really into maps.  He loves Google Maps and knows all the streets.  He's a human GPS in the car.  He knows where the car is, what street you're on and what intersection you're at.  He has a bunch of homemade street signs at home (play-doh, straws, and paper signs) that represent their town's intersections.  He's also really into countries.  He knows flags and where almost every country is (maybe he knows them all, because I didn't see him miss pointing out one on his bedroom rug that's a world map--he was spot on when Heather mentioned I went to the Dominican Republic!).  It was incredible to see him do all these things all weekend.  I brought along a set of sight word flashcards, and he knew almost all of them already!  Even if he didn't know the word, he got close.  It got a little more complex with the sample sentences on the back of them, so maybe those will be helpful, but he's way ahead of the curve there!

We once again enjoyed our time chatting and playing for the rest of the day.  I had brought a toy and a book from my stash of the boys' stuff.  He had fun putting the sports uniforms on the Melissa and Doug magnetic guy, Jack, and he liked being tickled as we read the Tickle Monster book.  Later in the day I got the report from the boys after Carter's baseball game.  He actually made his pitching debut, which sadly wasn't as successful as we hoped, but also not really any worse than most of the previous week's pitchers.  I also got texted a picture of my car (and Carter) "saying hi" because the boys stopped at the collision place to see it.  Lovely.  That night I once again didn't sleep as well as I wanted to, but it was better.  

Sunday morning we woke up to crazy fog and temperatures in the 40s.  Luckily it warmed up by the time we walked back out of church, because my dress was picked out for 70 degree temps later in the day and felt a bit out of season before that!  Mason got a little antsy as church started, wanting to play and have a snack, but sometime during the first song or two he wanted me to pick him up.  I held him, and he seemed pretty content.  Well, I don't know if my habitual mom swaying/rocking did it, but before we knew it, I could feel him being much heavier, and sure enough, he was OUT.  I guess it was a much more exciting weekend than usual and that was his moment to catch up!  He slept on me almost the entire service, right up until we were up at communion.  He was a much happier boy after that, especially because they had cookies!

We had pizza and wings for lunch from their favorite local place (all very good) as the Bills' game was starting.  That game was a bust, unfortunately, but luckily we saw the comeback part of the game and missed the last second loss part because we were on our way to Corning by then.  We headed out mid-afternoon to meet Craig there to make the big exchange.  It was a little over an hour for them, and about 1:40 for Craig.  I figured that was the same as going to his parents', so he was used to it.  It was bittersweet leaving, and Mason cried big tears when I was saying goodbye.  Luckily they found a nearby playground and did McDonald's on their way home, which helped!  We ran into a doozy of a thunderstorm just as we got back to Greece, but saw some pretty good lightning along the way.  Anyway, it had been a really great weekend despite the circumstances, and I was thankful for the opportunity.

It's obviously been a little rough getting back home and facing the music.  I had to wait an extra day to get the rental car, and the estimate for my car is pretty high for an older car so I'm nervous it will get totaled.  That stinks, because the replacement value is so much higher than it used to be and most used cars I see anywhere are way higher than the blue book value seems to indicate, so the whole system seems way more annoying than it was last time.  We'll see.  Mentally I'm struggling a bit.  I don't really want to drive because I don't trust myself now.  I try so hard to be a good driver and pay attention, not be on my phone and all that, and yet one off moment led to this.  I know that I drive a lot, all things considered, and things just happen.  I know the odds are still slim, but four accidents now is pretty bad and I'm starting to question what I'm doing wrong.  I'm just really discouraged about the whole thing.  I'm dreading the rental car for the next couple weeks and even more worried if I have to go through the car buying process and adjust to a new one again (and, as a side note, that will mean starting the endless, dreaded process of converting my CDs as most cars don't have CD players anymore).  

But, at the same time, I've been spending more than a week watching utter devastation down south, from the Gulf Coast of Florida up through North Carolina where my aunt and uncle are.  The loss of life and property is crushing.  Entire towns have been wiped off the map.  And now another massive hurricane is hitting the same area of Florida later this week.  The same areas that had started to recover are doomed again, this time with lots of debris still sitting out in the streets to be floating obstacles and wind projectiles.  It's terrifying.  Disney is closing, too, as it's going to get a pretty direct hit.  Craig's cousin, our flower girl, was supposed to be there with her family this week, so that was sad that they had to postpone for almost six months.  I can't even imagine everything that those folks down south are dealing with, so it makes my little car problem look not so bad.  And truly, I was pretty lucky--I wasn't hurt, the other person wasn't hurt, it was just the two cars, and the other one wasn't as bad.  I had good luck with the tow truck (in the end) and good friend support to not only get to my destination, but also have a really great weekend and also get me halfway home.  And of course I have a good husband to come get me and not give me any grief about it.  I'm not excited about the financial prospects of it all, but it's not going to devastate us.  It'll be a sizable hit--one scenario bigger than the other--but we'll be okay.  So how much can I really pity myself?  The mental toll is something I have to deal with, but in the end I'm so fortunate.  But I'm also oddly bummed that my amazing hike on Friday and what was otherwise a lovely weekend with wonderful people feels a bit dragged down by one stupid mistake.  I love those gorge pictures, but I'm not sure I can put one on my phone because the constant reminder of what happened right after sucks.  It took me a day to even look at my pictures and a couple days to post about the weekend on social media (in part because I needed to tell my parents first and that took an extra day), just because I didn't want to think about what happened.  It just weighs heavily and I'm so tired of being weighed down, you know?  UGH.