Like the Good Old Days

When I left off, I was taking a half day on Friday to get through all of my holiday prep.  I hadn't started my wrapping and I knew I would need the time.  I had also conveniently finished my work projects, so it made perfect sense.  I plowed through it over the next two days while watching two movies, a couple Charlie Brown Christmas shows, Craig's game, and the end of another stressful Bills game.  I ended up baking one batch of cookies Friday night.  Saturday involved figuring out Craig's gift--which took multiple steps--and my dad's (also a couple steps), trips to Walmart, Wegmans, and Walgreens, shuttling Jacob to and from practice, and getting through the long process of cutouts--making dough, chilling, cutting, baking, cooling, and frosting.  

Oh, and did I mention Saturday was our Christmas Eve?  Craig had a game so I was flying solo amidst all the other things I had to finish.  It was quite a day, but slowly but surely I checked things off the list.  But that night I also had to do cinnamon rolls, which turned into a bit of a debacle.  I decided to mix them up in my new stainless steel bowl (Aldi had them cheap), and I have no idea if that did something, but as I turned the dough out to knead and roll it, there were gray spots in the dough.  It almost looked like mold but that didn't seem likely.  I wondered if it was something from the bowl or maybe an oxidation thing, but I couldn't really confirm it via the internet.  I didn't want to poison us for Christmas, so I had to pitch it.  But I also didn't have any more Bisquick to make another batch, so I felt a little stuck.  I later realized I did have another recipe I had pinned long ago that seemed promising and I had all the things to make it.  It would take more time in the morning, but it seemed doable.  

I passed out the Christmas jammies as the kids went to bed and then when Craig came home, and we had some last minute prep before Santa could come and we could get to bed.  It ended up not being the best way to end the night for a few reasons, but almost all the work was done.

We all slept in pretty late, all things considered, but we had to get up at a reasonable time to stay on schedule.  We got our traditional picture...

...then did a full family Christmas pajama version.  Shoutout to my Apple Watch for making this task way easier.

The boys started in on their stocking stuffers, which were actually overflowing this year.  They both got a bunch of candy but Jacob also got a replacement basketball net (for either our front net which has shrunk or the pool net which disintegrated this summer) and some sport body wipes for when he works out at school in the morning and can't get a shower.  Carter got a Pez ornament, a cute Christmas gnome, and a couple fidgets, including a super cool flip star cube like we saw at EPCOT this year in one of the Asian stores.  I can't keep my hands off that one!  It's so cool and oddly satisfying.

Jacob was clearly in a good mood because he randomly did this with the stockings.  Thankfully they came off unharmed but with his giant feet I wasn't sure for a minute!

Jacob got a pair of tear-away pants, which he had to try out right away.  Carter is apparently pretending to test out his new water bottle, which I bought because I can't stand the suction noise his Gatorade one makes when he uses it in the house.

I got a couple shirts (UR and Knighthawks), a pickle ornament (not a fancy glass one, but a silly Claussen one with pickle gummies), and a Pam Beesly Halpert Funko POP figure who now lives at my at-home desk.  

This was my view while playing Santa.  I really love our tree.

Carter got a baseball bat, which he figured out as he was getting in position to unwrap it, so he did this!

Jacob's favorite gift was a stuffed Mickey Mouse.  He talked about getting one at Disney but didn't--maybe because we questioned the idea of a 15-year-old getting one, or maybe we thought they were too expensive or wouldn't fit in our luggage.  But I stumbled upon a giant one for only $10 at Walmart so I couldn't pass it up.  That ended up being Carter's gift to Jacob.  Jacob gave Carter a cool Indiana Jones playset Craig picked up at the Toys 'R' Us in Saskatoon (yep, Canada still has them!) on his recent road trip.
 

Carter's big gift was a Treasure X playset.  I hesitated to get him another toy since he rarely plays with toys, but he kept bringing it up, I found it on sale, and I figured maybe one last "Santa toy" was in order.

Carter also got a couple shirts, a 3D LED soccer light, a Wimpy Kid book about sports, and Christmas socks.  His ornament this year was a cool snowman made out of soccer balls.  Jacob got a Brita filtering water bottle that I called "an investment for our next Disney trip" because people swear by them to take the sulfur nastiness out of Disney water.  He's a water snob so if he's smart he'll use it elsewhere, too.  He also got some new pajama pants, a UR basketball shirt, some Adidas socks and some smiley face socks.  His ornament was a Hallmark one with a clear backboard with a hoop (with a net!) and a red, green, and white basketball hanging above it.  But my favorite gift to him also came from that Walmart order with the stuffed Mickey.  Jacob loves nutcrackers and wanted a Mickey one, but they were so expensive.  Yet somehow Walmart had one for $17!  How could I not?

I had been struggling with Craig's gift since we gave him a couple good things for his birthday, and he hadn't really had much on his Christmas list.  I had a brainstorm on Saturday to get him a nice photo collage frame and add in a bunch of favorite photos.  I figured he could take it into work, or at worst we can hang it above his dresser.  I came up with the idea, bought the frame, ordered the photos for one-hour developing, and picked them up, all in a few hours that day.  I think I did a good job, though I don't think he was as excited about it as I was hoping.  I also bought him some favorite candy--Good and Plenty, black licorice, Jujyfruits, some gum, and some TicTacs--and I think he liked that better.  Oh well.  I tried.

After presents it was off to work on the cinnamon rolls.  The recipe looked pretty reasonable, and everything went pretty well.  There were a couple additional steps, but it wasn't significantly harder than the old recipe.  It had to rest for a bit, I had to make up buttermilk, and I had to spread butter on the rolled dough rather than just brush it with melted butter, but the dough was also way easier to work with.  I threw the rolls in the oven and started in on my next challenge--Air Fryer bacon!  That had a little bit of a learning curve but it turned out great and was way easier to manage than the oven.  

The rolls were really good--even better than the old ones.  The texture alone was so much better.  The middles were a little extra gooey, but they were tasty!  We had a great breakfast, although Craig was late in joining us because he had to get on the phone with the travel agency because a few Knighthawks got injured and he had to remove them from this coming weekend's trip.  I should also probably mention here that Craig had been having tooth issues for a few days.  He's had some issues with a tooth in the past but the last time he was at the dentist they took out the filling and redid it, hoping he could avoid a root canal.  Well, over the past week it started flaring up with some nasty pain, especially when he ate or drank.  He was icing his face all the time.  He finally called the dentist even though they were closed, and the dentist prescribed some antibiotics and directed him to stay medicated.  Unfortunately he was in quite a bit of pain for a good chunk of the weekend, but the medicine did seem to help by the day after Christmas.  And the day after that he ended up with a root canal, which luckily didn't impact his travels this week.  Oh, and I had a couple random injuries I was battling, too.  The previous night I had been on a chair grabbing something out of the pantry and was trying to step around Jacob in his chair (he never pulls his chair in) and completely misjudged something, which led to my leg landing really hard on the "knob" on top of the chair.  The back of my leg hurt so bad and was pretty quickly swelled up.  The bruise showed up later, probably 3-4 inches across the back of my leg.  It really hurt to do almost anything for a few days.  Then I somehow hurt my wrist.  Perhaps I slept weird or strained it somehow, and I could barely use it on Sunday.  It was my left wrist, too, which was a big problem.  I went to pick up my fork at breakfast and couldn't even hold it without it hurting.  Washing my face and rubbing in makeup was agony.  Thankfully it felt better within a couple days, but my joints' weirdness (going back to my double tennis elbow a year ago) continues to perplex me.  On the bright side, I worked out the other night and realized my shoulder (which has been bugging me for months) suddenly felt way stronger.  I give up trying to figure it all out.  

I went off to start getting ready for church and got a text from my friend--the one I've recently reconnected with through our monthly coffee dates--asking if we were still going to noon church.  She hasn't physically gone to church since the pandemic because her MS medicine compromises her immune system, but her son wanted to go so she told me a couple weeks ago that they were going to try.  Unfortunately her daughter ended up with pinkeye so it was just her and her son, but she even saved us seats so we got to sit with them.  I hadn't seen her son in ages either, and boy, did he ever grow up in the last few years!  It was so sweet to be there for a beautiful service, next to a special friend.  The candlelit "Silent Night" near the end was as beautiful as ever.

It was a great launching pad for the rest of the holiday.  We came home, did simple lunches, and worked on getting packed up for Buffalo.  It wasn't exactly restful but it also wasn't as much hustle-bustle as we usually have at that point, so it made the day just calm enough.  

We stopped at Craig's Aunt Marie's on our way in, for the first time since 2019.  She wasn't doing anything formal like years past, and a lot of her kids and their kids had already been there most of the day, so it ended up mostly just being Craig's cousin Julie and her husband and baby Zack, but oh, that baby was plenty of entertainment!  Craig's brother's family came as well, and we had a nice little visit.  We ended up seeing one more cousin briefly when he and his wife stopped back over, and their dog was in the car and was literally the sweetest, softest dog ever.  So adorable.  It was weird walking out to a 40-something degree night, since many years we've walked out into inches of fresh snow or had to maneuver around giant snow piles to get to our vehicle.  It definitely felt like something was missing, but it was also a weird relief, especially after last year when bad weather ruined everything.

After that we went back to Craig's parents' house.  Despite the recent challenges there, we pretty much just moved between his parents in the living room and his brother's crew in the kitchen.  Not ideal, but at least we could all be in the same general space.  Craig's brother's family is babysitting their friends' dog (the same friends where the wife was talking up the Dominican Republic to me at Thanksgiving), and that dog was just a giant lump.  He was chubby, limped badly, had stinky farts, and loved belly rubs.  I tried to befriend him immediately and then he was looking for love half the night.  Later he was very diligently guarding the ham!

We ate well and eventually exchanged gifts.  Craig got a fun Peanuts ornament and a Peanuts nativity.  The boys mostly got a bunch of clothes and Carter got some fun military Lego-type toys.  I got some personal pampering type items, a sweater, and a plant.  Eventually it was getting late so we headed off to my parents' house.  I was so tired I actually slept halfway decent on the air mattress!

We had to get up for 10am church.  We got there just before, but on time, which in and of itself was a small Christmas miracle!  It was a very nice service and it ended with communion, at which point we were instructed to pick up a jingle bell on the way back to our seats, to use during the closing song.  It was actually a nice touch!

Carter with a giant bell!

After church, Jacob wanted to sneak into the church gym and see if he could get a couple shots up.  I think it was partly for him and partly because Craig likes to post things that let Jacob's coach know that he's making an effort.  The ball was borderline flat, but he did shoot for a few minutes.  Carter joined in and then I decided we should probably exit before we got caught.  It would have been different had my parents been with us, but we're not members or anything so it felt a little weird.  But mission accomplished, I guess.

Back at my parents' we had a tasty meal of ham, cheesy potatoes, corn, crescent rolls, and my mom's beloved raspberry jello dessert...except this year the creamy layer didn't quite set so it was a little harder to eat!  Still tasty, though.  We also had her whipped cream peppermint dessert after presents.  It's literally just whipping cream with peppermint pieces and I think some peppermint extract, frozen like ice cream, but it is so light and delicious.   

We opened presents after we ate.  It was pretty low-key because no one asked for much and my mom mostly wrapped up cash creatively, particularly for Jacob, who had to pull cash out of a box with a slot!

I got my Chihuly calendar, a lighted makeup mirror, my angel ornament, and a couple other things.  The boys each got an ornament that my mom made that looked like a Scrabble word (she inherited a bunch of Scrabble tiles a while back for craft purposes), and Jacob got LED lights for a basketball hoop.  In addition to a carry-on bag my mom wanted, we gave her a seashell puzzle I got for free via our local Buy Nothing page and a pot holder with Carter's artwork.  I have one too and I love it!  For my dad I made some chocolate covered rice krispie clusters.  He went through a phase where he loved them, and since he didn't want anything, I figured I'd give him something that would at least show I thought about him and had that memory of him.  

 

After dessert and relaxing for a bit, my mom and I went for a walk.  It was in the mid-50s with some muted sun so it was a perfect day for it.  We looped around Wurlitzer Park, the next neighborhood over.  Lots of people were out and it was fun to see all the Christmas decorations.  It was another moment where it felt hard to believe it was Christmas with weather like that, but I have to admit, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon, especially after all the food!

We eventually headed off to my Uncle Jeff's for my dad's extended family celebration.  This is the one that I had so missed for the last three years, between two years of COVID issues and last year's blizzard.  I've spent every other Christmas night of my life there and it was good to get back!  It looks a little different these days--we're down a few uncles and an aunt, some of my cousins were traveling, and my brother and another couple cousins live out of town and rarely make it, but most of us are married now and a couple of my cousins have their own little kids, so it was still a full house. 

Party in the fridge!

We don't do a gift exchange anymore, so the chaos is a bit more contained, but my uncle always has a supply of lottery tickets to keep things interesting.  Carter wowed everyone with his magic tricks, which he got last year but randomly got back into Christmas Eve morning, and even Jacob admitted he had a nice time talking to people for a change.  It was good to catch up with everyone, especially my aunts and cousins who I don't see a lot.  It's always been a huge help to be in that house on Christmas, even if it sometimes looks and feels different than it used to.  It's just enough to capture the spirit of Christmases past, when my grandpa would sit in his chair in the den, or later on the living room couch...when my grandma would beam with pride watching her grandkids get spoiled...when the grandkids and their gifts completely filled the floor...when the piano bench was prime view seating, but the couches were more comfortable...when there was bound to be a humorous gift or two...when we'd finish the night with a men vs. women Trivial Pursuit battle...when everyone was still alive and well.  There are a few photos and videos floating around from those nights, and I cherish them, especially when they show faces we don't see anymore.  There was also nothing better than the cousin camaraderie back then--usually us "middle kids" rolling our eyes at the number of things the littlest kids got and then heading off to eat our food together on the stairs!  We had quite the epic gift exchange between our family Secret Santa gifts and the ones from my grandparents.  It was a marathon every single year, but it sure was fun while it lasted.

Anyway, Jacob had practice rather early the next morning and Craig had to work, so we reluctantly decided to head back home that night.  I unfortunately had a headache by then so Craig took one for the team and drove.  I unpacked the bare minimum and pretty much went right to bed.

The next day involved a lot of unpacking and sorting and general laziness.  I worked on Wednesday, had another relatively lazy day (plus a basketball game) on Thursday, and worked again Friday before heading to another game.  Craig left for San Diego first thing Thursday morning so it's mostly been me and the boys at home.  It's been a weird mix of functional/productive time and laziness.  The house desperately needs a cleaning, which I'm working up to, but I have tried to minimize the clutter in the meantime, at least.  I'm trying to encourage Carter to do things without screens, but mostly leaving Jacob alone since he doesn't get a lot of down time outside of basketball and school these days.  Working from home can be challenging with both of them here, but it's also better than dragging myself into an empty office.  Our New Year's plans are still up in the air.

As a whole, I really can't complain about this Christmas.  Everything worked out exactly as we wanted it to, even better in some cases.  There were little moments of Christmas magic sprinkled throughout.  Jacob actually ended up a little disappointed by the volume of gifts, and while he still made out well, I guess I understand a little.  He's definitely getting to that age where his gifts are more expensive so he tends to get less, and I can't say he's easy to buy for because he's always asking for very specific stuff from less-standard places.  My mom was basically Amazon or nothing when it came to online stuff, so he got mostly cash, and my parents keep moving more and more in that direction.  Jacob flat-out said it's more about the gift opening process than the gifts themselves, which I alluded to here a couple weeks ago.  It's not that the cash gifts aren't appreciated, but for him Christmas is more about the experience and the memories, and cash in a card just doesn't have the same thrill.  I think it's also because we don't do gifts at Aunt Marie's or Uncle Jeff's anymore, so it just feels a little less exciting without those two additional gift opening opportunities.  I don't mind giving those up, honestly, especially given the stress it saves me and the probably $150+ we save on the gifts we gave at those places, but I understand the feeling and I will admit gifts at Uncle Jeff's were always sort of a nice get-to-know-you conversation starter, if that makes sense.  I guess Jacob probably is a little young to start having low-key Christmases, compared to my experience at least, and really Craig's as well.  Jacob is still waiting on my brother's gifts, though, as we were late sending ideas and he took his kids on a short cruise before Christmas so he didn't get to order things until later.  Carter did get a new (full-size!) soccer ball from him right after Christmas, and a couple soccer shirts and a puzzle game today.  I'm guessing Jacob's weren't exactly Amazon Prime shipping speed so his might take longer.  Maybe he'll feel a little better when those show up.

But it was a nice Christmas and I'm sad it's mostly over.  I'm thankful for a little time off now and hopeful for a good new year ahead.  Now to finish off the old one...

The Week(ish) Before Christmas

I guess I got lazy taking photos off my phone before Christmas because I had a bunch and there were a couple fun Christmas moments among them.

The Thursday before the week before Christmas was my work Christmas party.  It's always a pleasant affair at the art gallery, which I have often used as a last-minute moment of bliss before the rush of the holidays since we get free access to the gallery.  It didn't entirely work out that way this year, partly because it was earlier in December and partly because I had a tight schedule that night--I had to get to Jacob's first home game!  I downed a couple glasses of wine early and offset it with all the appetizers and desserts so I'd be completely fine to drive and go to the game.  It felt a little like when the kids' daycare Christmas programs used to coincide with my last job's Christmas party every year.  We'd start partying at noon so it was a delicate balance to drink an appropriate amount over such a long period without ending up too tired or having alcohol seeping out of my pores at a kid event, especially the years I'd sneak in a workout between the party and the program.  Anyway, the party was nice, and this year there was the added bonus of getting a free view of the special exhibit at the gallery, the "other mirrored room" that I think I mentioned when Carter and I went to the one in Buffalo.  This one was different, but no less cool.  We had to wait our turn--I went with my boss and we ended up paired with a couple of our extended department mates, which was fun.  We only had a minute inside, so we had to make it fast!  It was a little overwhelming, but so neat!  It was much brighter and more open than the one in Buffalo, but the silver balls gave it more visual interest.

Someone likened it to heaven, which was sort of funny but not entirely untrue.  It was surreal but fun!

Photo featuring my very cheap but perfect-for-the-holidays sweater dress from Aldi!

There was a pillar in the middle of it with a few holes in it.  When you looked in, it was much more like the one in Buffalo.  It was an infinite, disorienting set of mirrors.  

We headed back to the party in time for the raffle drawings.  We all got a belt bag as a gift and then got a bunch of raffle tickets to put in bags to try to win a bunch of prizes.  There were some nice prizes, lots of UR swag and food prizes (coffee, nuts, chocolate), along with a few other things, but I couldn't take my eye off the air fryer.  I have long wanted an air fryer but I didn't have room in my kitchen so I never made it a priority.  But a free one?  I'd make an exception for that.  I put nearly all of my tickets into the bag for that one and hoped for the best.  They went through and started announcing winners, and when they got to the air fryer, they announced, "Amy..." and while I'm far from the only Amy in the organization, I know that whenever I hear my first name and then someone trails off, more than likely they mean me.  It's helpful when they add the first initial or at least give the "Ryb" part a shot, but it's not a leap to assume it's me because my name stumps them every time!  And in this case, I was correct!  I won a freaking giant air fryer!  I felt oddly guilty to win the big prize, but hey, someone has to do it!  And I really wanted one, so I think it was good.  People all say it's life changing and were giving me all sorts of advice, so I was excited to start figuring it out!

But I had other things to attend to that night--we had a basketball game!  Jacob's first home game was a little odd because he'd lost his starting spot.  It was a little weird--almost like a strange moment in practice where his coach decided he wasn't working hard (nothing could be farther from the truth, and a week later he deemed Jacob free to do what he wanted in games because he was a hard worker, so...it's no wonder Jacob's been confused half the season!).  Anyway, it felt like it should have been an easier game but it definitely wasn't.  Jacob made it into the game after a mere two minutes because our start was sub-par, but it was a battle the whole game.  We did end up winning and Jacob did pretty well, getting 10 points, but it was a bit crazy!  There also ended up being a fight in the hallway afterward, so we came out to quite the scene of cop cars, which made the night even crazier.  

The following night we had an event at Carter's school.  They were doing a movie night.  We could watch The Polar Express and eat popcorn!  We brought a blanket for the gym floor and settled in next to his buddy Ben and his mom.  It started out reasonably nice enough...

But then things got a little wacky.  Kids--namely the third graders and apparently some siblings--started running around.  At first it was a group in the one corner, but then it turned into kids running laps.  The volume wasn't that high on the movie as it was, so the screaming kids drowned it out even more, which only made it worse because presumably the kids who were watching got bored not hearing it.  There was also a recurring issue with an ad or something popping up on the computer, periodically blocking the view of the movie.  Apparently no one was monitoring it, and no one from the school was taking responsibility for setting expectations for in-movie behavior, so it turned into total chaos.  I partly blame the parents but assume it started like, "Can I go hang out with so-and-so?" and then once they started getting loud, no parent wanted to be the party pooper.  People started leaving in droves.  I eventually let Carter run around for a bit too, but only when it was clear everyone had given up.  We left probably 2/3 of the way through, but I did catch this picture on the way out.  Carter had been talking about this art project for weeks, and said it turned out really well.  He was right!

He picked the hawk because of the Knighthawks, and when Craig posted the picture, everyone was calling for it to be on a shirt or media guide cover or something!  We're really hoping this one finally gets him into the elusive district art show in the spring, which Jacob made it into a number of times.  Carter struggled with art for years because it was hard for him to finish projects, and then the pandemic took away at least another year or two.  But maybe this year!

Speaking of art, I finally got around to doing a random craft project myself.  I don't love it, but it's good enough for now.  I had seen this holiday decoration years ago that had this lovely saying on it, "Merry be your Christmas, Peaceful be your home, Joyful be your family, Blessed be each one."  The sign was rather expensive so I found a Pinterest pin with it and vowed to make one sometime.  I can't freehand to save my life, so I constantly looked for stickers or stencils that might allow me to do it.  I finally found some at Dollar Tree this year, so I decided to give it a shot.  I used an extra bow, random pine bough, some leftover berries, scrap ribbon, and eventually some stars like you get on your school papers or chore charts.  I don't love it, and the letters barely stick, but I still think the sentiment is nice so it'll do for now.

It was pretty much the last thing I had time for, but oh well.  I did most of it while watching my dad's Vespers concert online, so I guess that wasn't wasted time, but the finishing touches (including fixing the letters and trying to seal it) took a bit more time.  

The following week was pretty crazy.  I had to rearrange my kitchen (twice) to fit the air fryer, and I actually really like the setup now and find myself wondering why I didn't do that before.  And the air fryer has been getting pretty good reviews so far!  Over the course of the week I still had some gifts to buy and decisions to make.  But Jacob had a couple more games, including one an hour away (that one was a big loss with two of their best players injured, but Jacob chipped in another 10 points to lead his team), so my time was limited.  I needed to bake two batches of cookies and figure out a lot of other details.  I wasn't sure it was all going to get done, but a half day of work helped and slowly but surely it did!  Now that you're up to speed on the days before Christmas, on to the holiday itself!

A Slice of Life (and Music) at Christmas

Every Christmas I go through the same sort of cycle.  The season starts, I know it will go too fast, but we plod through those first couple weeks--spotty Advent Calendars, picking up gifts where we can, and trying to appreciate the season as the lights, decorations, and events get rolling.  Then things get a little more serious, the pressure gets a little worse, the events ramp up further, and then it's like you blacked out for a few days because it's suddenly the week before Christmas and you can no longer ship gifts and there's still so much left to do at home, work, and beyond.

It's right around this time that I bemoan how fast the season goes and that I rarely get to just soak it in and have those pure moments of the true meaning of Christmas.  It's so busy, and once I'm firmly entrenched in this stretch run when I need to cram in so many things and know those quiet moments will be limited, I'm always a little sad and frustrated and desperate to do what I can to maximize the time before the holiday glow fades.  It's almost as desperate as when I picture myself frantically holding on to the last moments of summer and warm weather before it's gone for another 6+ months.  But when Christmas is gone, it's gone for another 11 months.  And I don't want to wish that time away because all of a sudden my kids are grown and all these years and Christmases have sped by fast enough.

The other day my cousin posted a link to a Christmas song I'd never heard.  It was from family favorite Amy Grant, so that surprised me a bit.  It's called, "I Need a Silent Night".

Well, if that isn't the most perfect song for this last week before Christmas and exactly my struggle for most of the season...how had I not heard it until now?

This morning I was wrapping up the last of my work before a half day that I felt I needed to take because I have too much left to do.  I was doing the little bit of work I had left after a busy frantic days of deadlines, checking emails and tying up any loose ends.  I put on Spotify to listen to some Christmas music and kept clicking over to my browser window that holds all of my favorite links to my Christmas market webcams.  I was giving them all one last look.  Many of the markets have actually already shut down by this point, but some of the big ones are still going right through Christmas Eve.  Some cameras are so beautiful--sharp pictures, even streaming video, overlooking these gorgeous, bustling markets.  Lights everywhere, rinks, trees, market stalls, even carnival rides.  Add in the lovely architecture surrounding so many of these squares and it's simply magical.  Hopefully one of these years I will see some in person, but they just make me smile from here.  I just needed that last look at them in between work things this morning.

As I was doing all of this, Spotify randomly served up a Michael W. Smith song.  I was only half listening, but I realized near the end of the song that it was probably right up my alley.  It was called "Freeze the Frame".  When I looked up the lyrics, I realized it is literally my exact sentiment around my extended family Christmas celebrations and I immediately started sobbing.  I think it's a combination of this time of year, an intense gratefulness for all of the amazing Christmases I've had, mourning the people who aren't around anymore because we couldn't freeze the frame, and also probably a fear of the how our Christmases will change in the years to come.  It all just hit me at once.  And then I went and looked up the lyric video for this post and it hit me all over again, mostly because the real family video footage that Michael W. Smith included reminds me SO much of what my Christmases looked like.

I felt like a complete idiot just sitting there crying (twice), but clearly this stuff is meaningful beyond words.  As I mentioned in my last post, my awareness of how fleeting these things can be has only been amplified by three COVID Christmases--two at home and one that was close but lacking the extended family celebrations we're so used to.  I think reality is hitting that we're starting to evolve yet again.  One of my family celebrations disappeared a number of years ago, once my grandma passed away and my uncle started suffering from dementia.  Craig's extended family celebration is probably never going to be the same because his aunt that has always hosted (in my experience, anyway--her parents did long ago) has seen her own family expand rapidly over the past few years, so now her family alone can fill her small living space.  Never mind that we used to have all the aunts, uncles, and cousins crammed in, too.  I guess we could have dropped in last year for something less formal, but the blizzard messed that up and I haven't heard anything this year.  I'm hoping we get a chance to drop in--she loves seeing us so I'm sure if we called ahead we'd be welcome--but I don't know how our timing will work out.  And that's not even getting into what Craig's immediate family will look like this year, since the problems that plagued Thanksgiving still haven't been solved.  

On my side, thank God for my Uncle Jeff's unwavering commitment to preserving the family Christmas.  He took over the family homestead after my grandma passed away in 2005, and has been happily hosting family Christmas (and Thanksgiving night and Good Friday) there ever since.  The continuity has been helpful for easing our feeling of loss, since we can continue at least that one physical tradition.  That house is so deeply tied into our family history--from every Christmas night I'd ever known (until the last few), right down to my dad as a kid in the adorable home movies of him and his siblings clamoring down the stairs on Christmas morning.  Our traditional gift exchange morphed a bit even pre-pandemic, but at least most of the experience felt that same.  COVID Christmas there was canceled (not that we could have gone anyway), the following year they canceled because someone had been exposed on Christmas Eve (but my mom and I stopped over briefly), and last year it was a smaller group because of the blizzard, and we couldn't make it because the Thruway was closed.  The weather looks to be more than cooperative this year (50s on Christmas?!), but I can't even express how nervous I still am about illness this year.  Craig has a blossoming cold that is still COVID-negative, but it's all too easy for things to crop up now and ruin everything again.  

I'm at the point where I just don't want to let things go for another year--I want to get in a good, solid "freeze frame" moment savoring Christmas as it stands now, before things change again, because I think we're very lucky that everyone is still around that was around on Christmas 2019.  That year, after a couple losses in January the two previous years, I know I tried to soak it in as much as I could.  But now I'd like a chance to do it again--even more grateful for what we still have, but with this new sense of appreciation that all these missed years has formed.

Anyway, discovering those two songs this week was such a sweet, unexpected gift.  As such, I'll take the chance to reshare my favorite non-traditional Christmas song, Labor of Love:

Here's one I consider a "new classic", or at least it should be:



And no joke, a couple minutes after I grabbed the embed link for this one, Spotify played it for me!

For the next few days, I'm sure I'll be seeking out every beautiful version of "O Holy Night" and "Silent Night" that I can find to try to recenter myself.  Our church always does the most beautiful candlelit "Silent Night" at the end of the Christmas Eve service, and it is a great way to send us all back out into our celebrations in the right frame of mind.  It was always the last song at my church's Christmas Day service, so it has long been a meaningful part of my holiday.  And now, as I turn off my work computer and head to my basement for some marathon wrapping, I will shift to the "movie" portion of my Christmas traditions, where I get in all of my favorites while I wrap alone and in peace.  

Little steps, little moments to get myself where I need to be before our celebrations begin.  Merry Christmas, everyone.

Christmas, Then and Now

There really were few better things as a kid than Christmas.  There was so much to love.  A few examples:

I loved when the decorations came out, and I was an eager tree decorator.  I was thinking the other day about the real trees we had as a kid.  I don't think I remember going to get a tree--and if I do it wasn't at the cute, photo op farms you see now.  We maybe went to a corner lot somewhere, but I really don't know.  I remember a lot of needles and needing to water it and my annoyance with how flimsy the branches were when I tried to hang heavy ornaments.  Imagine my delight when we finally got our fake tree and the branches were sturdy!  But I always loved our assortment of ornaments, especially my own and any fancy ones, and it was like a treasure hunt unearthing them from the box each year.

I loved catching a Christmas TV special (Christmas Eve on Sesame Street and Emmet Otter were the gold standard for me!), doing Christmas crafts at school (especially a super secret gift for my parents!), and preparing for Christmas programs.  Although, spending a couple Saturday mornings at church practicing for the Sunday School Christmas Eve one was not my favorite, but oh, the year I played Mary it was a new level of adrenaline to finish that performance and realize I did it!  But most years, getting a big piece of Platters chocolate after that service was a highlight.  Christmas services were always beautiful and our church's giant tree was always a treat to see.  Our class secret Santa always stressed me out, but I loved the festivities otherwise, and the anticipation of Christmas break was always so exciting!

Christmas cookies were always the best--the more kinds the better!  Bonus points if there were holiday M&Ms included, and cutouts were a must!  I still use my mom's recipe with gluten-free flour.  I loved fancy Christmas Eve food (read: pepperoni, cheese, and shrimp) at my uncle's or my grandma's, our Christmas day dinner, and the amazing smorgasboard at my grandparents' that night.

I always loved seeing Christmas lights, and my favorite was going to the Festival of Lights in Niagara Falls.  It was always cold and snowy, but the lights and displays were fun, and it was a relief to get into the toasty warm Wintergarden building to wander among the plants.  From there we'd walk into the Rainbow Mall and I'd marvel at the glass elevator and fountains that shot super high.  I did not, however, like seeing Santa, so other than a vague traumatic memory of one such visit, that was not a part of my childhood Christmases!

The one downside as a kid was all the "stress" of waiting for the big day to arrive and wondering what gifts I might be getting.  December used to feel like it took forever!  I'd go through my Advent calendars and paper chains day by day, feeling like the holiday was taking forever to arrive.  I would make my list from the thick JC Penney catalog, very optimistically, of course!  By the time Christmas Eve arrived, I was so excited just thinking about what might be waiting for me the next morning!  Back in the day, the full-time Christmas music on the radio didn't start until Christmas Eve (it was peppered in among regular radio up until then), so it was always fun when that day arrived and we could listen to it all day long.  Once we got through the Christmas Eve services and whatever family time we had on my mom's side after that, I was so excited that I could barely sleep.  That was a struggle, not just because I didn't want to prevent Santa from arriving but because I would go to sleep late and wake up extra early, leaving myself down on rest at a time where a strong immune system was important.  That would also happen at a very indulgent food time, so there were many years where I got some "digestive pyrotechnics" during the holiday, which was unfortunate.  It never fully ruined the day, but made a couple mornings challenging, ruined a late evening, and once prevented me from going to do gifts on my mom's side the next day.  So that was probably the hardest part of the holiday for me.  But there were few things better than getting my Christmas morning gifts and then knowing that if there was a big gift I had to have and didn't get it in the morning, that it could be coming from my grandparents later.  And sitting with my cousins on the floor at my grandparents was always peak excitement (and chaos!).

But then, as a kid, once the gifts were over, the Christmas blues set in.  When the presents were done and the adrenaline rush subsided, it was always a bummer despite all the good things I had just gotten.  I think that's just a kid's nature--It wasn't that I was ungrateful, but rather I think the anticipation was so huge and all the things I listed above were just so fun that it was inevitably going to be a little sad when it was over. Eventually the toys I got were a suitable consolation prize, but I think the build-up as a kid was always so intense that the downshift was always more difficult. 

I realized the other day that Christmas as an adult hits different, in different ways than I've really pondered before.  I've always focused on the physical differences, which are more obvious.  Our celebrations and traditions have evolved as our extended families have changed.  I'm the mom so I have a to-do list a mile long.  I'm responsible for the decorating and the baking and gift buying, rather than being the kid beneficiary of it all.  I'm more the observer than the participant when it comes to the few Christmas activities we do.  But I guess I didn't think as much about the mental and emotional changes--about how all of the decorations hold so much nostalgia, or what a relief it is to be done with the endless to do list when the holiday is over, or how my post-Christmas blues are now tied into watching the lights and decorations disappear, signaling the start of the deepest, hardest part of winter. 

Christmas has so many memories at this point, and every ornament or decoration is a reminder of years past.  Ornaments from my grandma and mom, crafts my mom made, items from my grandmas' houses, cute kid ornaments, early-relationship gifts from Craig, or things from other family members...so many memories are tied up in our decorations.  Once the fun family gatherings are over and it's time to pack it all back away, part of me is relieved to be done, and part of me is sad that my day-to-day life loses its extra "glitter" and I don't have the same level of happy memory reminders (or memory-making opportunities) at every turn.  January is always so dreary and cold, so watching the lights and decorations disappear always makes it even more stark and bland.  Unlike my childhood, now the day after Christmas is usually filled with an exhale of gratefulness and relief, but the loss of the glowing lights and fun decorations over the week or two that follows now hits me a lot harder.  It's a long haul from early January until the days get brighter and warmer and nature adds some color back into the world.   

I think another part of it is also that at this age, I worry that by the time another year has passed, next Christmas could look a lot different than this one.  COVID made that fear even more real, because in some cases we've gone three years since some of our traditions have happened normally.  We've only lost a select few family members, so I know it's only going to get more complicated in the years to come as more pass.  We miss grandparents, aunts and uncles we've lost when we go to extended family gatherings, but I feel like we both have so many other amazing family members to see that it's easier to get wrapped up in the people that are there and just let the loss be a mere bittersweet moment in the midst of making some new memories.  I feel fortunate to have as much time as we've had with our parents, especially as I watch more friends lose theirs, but they have always been so deeply tied to our holidays that losing them will undoubtedly change the holiday forever.  It just makes me want to savor it as much as I can, and sadly COVID has made it extra challenging the last three years.

This roller coaster ride of the holidays is so much more dynamic than it was as a kid.  Even as an adult it has continued to evolve.  I can hardly believe we're almost out of the toy era completely.  Seems like yesterday we were picking out the couple things we wanted to spoil baby Jacob with, and now he's this giant kid.  Even Carter went from this little toddler to being on the cusp of the post-Santa years (not quite yet, it appears, but his classmates skepticism is getting to him, I think).  It's all still magical in its own way, but man, did it ever go fast.  I just didn't expect to exit the peak Christmas phase so quickly, because it felt like it lasted forever as a kid.  I think it didn't help that the last three Christmases have been out of the norm and both boys went from kids to big kids in that time.  I definitely miss the extra fun years when Santa felt magical and the toys were exciting (and actually got played with).  If Christmas felt fun for me right up through college, I think we still have a lot of good years left, but the passage of time is so undeniably clear to me right now.  I'm grateful for each year and all the phases, though I may miss some more than others.  

So, as we enter the week before Christmas, I'm strapping in for this year's ride.  We have a busy week and quite a bit left to get done.  I have a lot of work, a little bit of shopping, all of my wrapping, and probably some baking to cram in before Saturday night.I'm hoping for good health for everyone and a nice, normal, pre-COVID-style Christmas.  This year, that may be the only gift I need.

News & Notes, How is it December Edition

So...it's December.  I'm honestly still pretty perplexed how that happened.  I already talked about how November just flew by, which seemingly never happens and only complicates my confusion, but this entire year just went poof.  The beginning of the year was probably mostly wrapped up in the varsity basketball season--time flies when your life revolves around games every few days--followed by the crazy prep/panic for travel season.  The end of the school year always gets crazy, summer flies, and then boom, we were at Disney.  That was more than three months ago, and seems extra far away now that there's been snow flying outside.  Usually it feels like we wait an eternity between Carter's Upward basketball evaluation in October and the season, but I just realized we should be finding out about his team in the next week or two.  The season starts later in January, and we know how quickly the Christmas season goes, so we really just have to suffer through a couple long, cold weeks in January and we'll be starting that.  And by the time that's over, it'll be spring!  I simply can't fathom where the time goes these days.

Jacob's basketball season is officially underway.  We had a two-game tournament last weekend, and I would say results were mixed.  They went 1-1.  Jacob has definitely evolved as a player so it was amazing to see how strong he could be at both ends of the floor.  He's playing a different position so it's an adjustment for him, on top of recovering from his shin splints and dealing with a bad cold (not COVID--but it's been rough) and a nasty blister on the ball of his foot.  He only got three points in the first game, but rebounded with seven in the second.  

They played again on Monday at a fancy private school in Buffalo, and he got seven again.  It was fun to have an audience as my parents and my aunt and uncle came.  They really seemed to enjoy seeing him, particularly when he hit those two threes.  The most recent game was a crazy one, where his team jumped out to a couple big leads and subsequently lost them.  Jacob did well, hitting three threes and three foul shots, but he made a critical error in the last 30 seconds that nearly did them in.  He is so used to being down in close games that he took a shot when he should have just held the ball for the shot clock, and because he missed the other team got the ball and scored, putting them up by one.  Thankfully they got the ball back and his teammate got a clutch layup with about two seconds left, and the other team couldn't score.  Whew.  Just a dumb mental mistake but hopefully it was a good reminder to be super aware of the game situation.

He's playing pretty well but is struggling with two-point shots.  It's really been an issue for a year, he estimates, and it's a combination of a mental block and now the fact that his leg just isn't giving him the lift he needs.  In the last game he had a lot of opportunities but either got fouled or should have gotten fouled (based on the scratches on his hands and arm).  Hopefully he'll break the seal with one of the easier games coming up.  Despite trying to rest him to ease him back in, he's playing a lot because he's a core player on this new team.  They are certainly better with him in, but it seems they are still finding their footing.  There are a few good players but they're falling victim to dumb mistakes and some hero ball at times.  We think they just need an easy game or two and they'll get their confidence on track, but it's still early.  We're honestly really proud of how Jacob is playing and hanging in there despite all the health issues.  

Even still, some days he comes home from practice so discouraged and defeated.  I think his coach tries to use criticism to fire him up, but for Jacob and his personality, it only plays into his insecurities.  As Jacob says, he can take external pressure and thrive under it (i.e., out on the basketball court), but when someone in his inner circle seems to lose faith in him, it crushes him.  Similarly, we've seen time and time again that when he's out on the court playing for a coach that trusts him, and who he trusts won't pull him for a single mistake, he plays so well.  But when he's getting yelled at or knows the coach will bench him quickly if he messes up, he overthinks everything and he's terrible.  That's partly why last year was so rough.  When his coach was sick early on and the former coach stepped in and started him, he played incredibly well.  But when the coach came back and didn't hesitate to pull him immediately for a missed shot or defensive mistake, suddenly he was overthinking everything and his play was much less consistent.  So much of basketball is instinct and quickness, and that extra moment of thought to avoid a screw-up can be killer.  

We've told him that right now he mostly needs to take his coach's criticism with a grain of salt--try to hear what he's saying but focus on the big picture--because it's quite clear this team needs him, and unless he's a complete mess he will likely be playing and will be trusted in the long run.  For some kids I can see this being a weird ego thing with a risk of overconfidence, but I don't think that's how it is for Jacob, at least not right now.  He's not a selfish player (although he sometimes threatens to be when other people are doing it and he's not getting shots), so it's just not his nature to put the team at risk by being selfish.  Will he take a lot of shots if given the chance?  Sure.  But I'd put his shot percentage up against pretty much anyone else on the team and he'll likely still give you the best chance to score.  He's had such a rough year and is really feeling the pressure to live up to expectations.  But the truth is that he's still just a freshman and he's been dealing with so much adversity that I don't think anyone can blame him right now.  It's honestly heartbreaking to hear him talk about hating basketball and not wanting to play.  It's usually only momentary, and deep down I know he loves it, but sometimes he just wants to train and play pick-up without stress.  But there's no time for that now because his current practice schedule is so packed, so he feels completely trapped.  We don't know how to help him aside from supporting him (even if it means a temporary or permanent break down the road), so we're just hoping he gets in a good groove soon.

As for Carter, he is just rolling along through the school year...or was until we got a note from his teacher this weekend.  He was having an issue with a math unit, although it appears his issue was more how he was showing his work and how his teacher was struggling with understanding it.  But it seems like his disorganization might be starting to catch up with him, so we really need to work on that--no more homework on the bus and maybe a few more limits on screen time.  He still plays more video games than I'd like, especially since he figured out how to hook up with his buddies on Fortnite and 2K Basketball (and Jacob will play with him sometimes, too).  I guess I can't complain if he's doing his school work and continuing to be involved at school, but maybe we need to keep a closer eye and add some extra limits so he's not rushing through his work to get to video games.  He manages chorus and orchestra two days a week each before school, which means a lot of early mornings.  He's also a safety, so he's corralling his fellow students before and after school as they head to and from the buses.  He really is a sweet kid most of the time and I appreciate his willingness to be involved and to do good things around school.  Jacob keeps giving him crap about the possibility of him being bullied in middle school, and it drives me nuts--in part because there's no reason to speculate, and in part because I know middle school can suck and it's entirely possible no matter how cool of a kid he is or how many friends he has.  We submitted to have him switched to a different school than we're zoned for, primarily because it's considered the best school in the district and because that's where all of his best friends are going.  I did have a twinge of worry because it's bigger, and maybe he'd be more comfortable in a smaller school, but I'm hoping the existing friendships offset that.  We still have to get through the lottery, but we'll see.  I think having an existing friendship base of kids you trust (and whose families you know) is huge.  But then one of those kids went off and got an in-school suspension last week (we're still trying to find out why), which of course started a new wave of worries about peer pressure and stupid choices.  Carter assured me he doesn't give in to peer pressure easily (using as an example the time most kids in his class tried a bite of the dangerous "one-chip challenge" and ended up at the nurse, and he did not), but at least I know that his friend's parents care that he screwed up (to the tune of three weeks with no video games), so I guess that gives me hope that more often than not these kids will make better choices knowing they have parents who won't hesitate to punish them.

Craig's birthday was this week, and Knighthawks season has also begun.  Last weekend was the first home game, and this weekend he was in Saskatoon.  Nothing like the Canadian prairies in December!  His birthday dinner wasn't ideal since Jacob had practice (as usual--we barely get to eat with him anymore), but we had a nice time at UNO (where Carter discovered deep dish pizza!) and got Dairy Queen for dessert, and then brought food home for Jacob, too.  He got some Indiana Jones gifts that the boys picked, which he loved.  

And I'm over here just trying to get through the next couple weeks of work and buy gifts where I can.  I'm slowly chipping away at the boys' gifts, and spent Sunday evening working through gifts for my niece and nephew and Carter's teacher.  I finally got our Christmas cards ordered over the weekend and picked up a few more things this weekend, so we're getting there.  Next up is organizing the kids' lists for my parents and brother.  Craig handled most of his family around Black Friday, so just a few odds and ends there.  There are so many things that always end up at the last minute, despite my best efforts, like stocking stuffers and last-minute suggestions or things I've been debating.  Usually I look at what I have for the kids near the end and panic-buy one more thing to round things out and make sure they have enough for a fulfilling Christmas morning.  I'm hoping to avoid that.  

Speaking of Christmas morning, Craig reminded me the other day that he has a game on Christmas Eve Eve, which is our usual Christmas Eve.  So that means we can't do evening church like we've been doing.  I guess we'll do gifts that next morning anyway, but he'll just be a bit tired.  We'll need to get moving to get to church in the morning, or at worst by noon, and then leave for Buffalo after that.  It will make for a busy morning but as long as the rest of the holiday goes as planned I will try not to complain! 

Otherwise this was a good weekend.  Despite Craig being gone, we made the best of it.  It was 63 degrees yesterday so I took a glorious 3.5 mile walk and did some yardwork.  We destroyed the rest of our pumpkins, too, in between the boys playing some basketball.  Today I got to have round 2 of monthly coffee with my friend.  Did I mention that last month?  I hadn't seen her in over a year for various reasons and periodically we would text and say we should get together.  Last month I found myself with an empty weekend and we snuck in a coffee and a couple hours of conversation, which was amazing.  So good we resolved to do it again, and we did.  And we have one scheduled next month.  It's so nice.  We have a lot in common and it's been so good to catch up.  I definitely need that kind of stuff in my life.  Add in the aforementioned Christmas prep, and it was a pretty productive weekend.

Tomorrow I have day one with my first direct-report employee of my career (not counting unpaid interns with the Amerks), which will hopefully boost my standing a bit and help our department.  I'm sort of dreading it because I don't think I'm a good manager, especially when stressed myself, but I have another employee hopefully coming within the next few months (who will actually make my job easier in the long run), so I guess practice makes perfect.  I have my work Christmas party this week, too, so that will be a nice boost.  Oddly, I sort of wish more Christmas things were happening right now, but I guess I should be thankful I'm not as busy as some people who have wall-to-wall parties and dozens of gifts to buy.  I want to be absorbing as much of the holiday season as I can, but sometimes life distracts from it all.  I am trying to enjoy the lights and decorations and music as much as I can, but in recent years it's been harder to just sit and take it all in.  Maybe it's because we have big-kid Christmas now, or maybe my brain really did change during COVID.  I just feel more distracted than ever, even though I'm more aware than ever how important it is to take in the little moments and savor them.  Strange, isn't it?

Speaking of being distracted at Christmas time, lately I've been flashing back to the pre-winter break period at college.  I think this dark time of year, coupled with a couple campus visits and a deep dive into my old college email forwards got my going.  Last weekend Craig played this random SNL skit that was a gritty, dark Sesame Street, which reminded me of this "Sesame Street in Flames" forward that came around during my sophomore year.  I laughed so hard trying to read it to Mary at the time that I was in tears and unable to read.  It was so ridiculous and was probably the first reference I ever heard of Bert and Ernie being gay, and for whatever reason it just tickled my funny bone.  It was so good that when I posted a Facebook status about the email forwards, it was one of the ones Mary mentioned--and remember, this is about 26 years later!  I went digging to find the folder of emails I printed and kept, and ended up reading through all of them.  I probably tossed 2/3 of them, but I did keep some other classics like Ways to Fail your Exam with Style and How to Drive your Roommate Crazy.  Some were just classics.  I also unearthed a couple really personal emails from guys--one that made me realize an old high school friend probably was flirting via email and things could have been interested had we actually crossed paths in college (he was in Rochester at the time).  I thought I was just reading into things at the time, but no, it was pretty blatant.  It might have been gaslighting before that was a thing, but we'll never know since we're both quite happily married and very different people now!  There were also a couple from a guy I dated in college, probably one of my most special relationships, but also the one I probably botched the worst.  It was interesting reading those because I had forgotten some of the stuff we dealt with at the time.  It was bittersweet, for sure, and definitely a time where email was an art form and true long-form communication device.  But this time--especially after seeing those exam-related email forwards--brings back memories of exam prep and final papers, all while trying to catch a bit of Christmas spirit among the stressa nd getting excited about going home to my own bed, good food, and no homework for six weeks.  Absolute heaven.  Oh, to be 20 again!  

Anyway, there's no winter break coming to save me this year--save for a few days here and there--and the home cooking is now always mine (boo), but the countdown is still on.  Two weeks to go...

A New Bittersweet

Many years around this time I have mentioned here that my brain goes into a bit of a weird place during November and early December.  It would go into a sort of darker, melancholy mode--not sad, per se, but just a little more somber because apparently my brain associated this time with finding out I was pregnant for the first time and the weeks that followed it.  I found out right after Veterans' Day, and we were so nervous about a possible miscarriage that we went all the way through Thanksgiving, our mid-December Disney trip, and all of the Christmas season before spilling the beans to our families at their respective Christmas celebrations.  That time was really hard because I was dealing with a massive mental and physical struggle, and it coincided with a cold, dark, and depressing time of year.  Obviously we were thrilled to be pregnant, but I was scared, tired and nauseous all the time, and I felt like I was living a double life before we were able to tell people.  Everything in my brain was constantly processing the excitement and fear, and my body was fighting the physical effects, so it felt so hard to keep that all inside and pretend everything was normal.  I struggled through work days due to the exhaustion, but had to push through or risk telling people.  I felt it was better to suffer in silence at the time because having to tell a lot of people if something went wrong later sounded equally painful.  The longer we went into December, the more comfortable I felt and the more exciting it got, and I felt immense relief as we exited the first trimester, which was right around the time our Disney trip cured me of my nausea and other first trimester blahs.  I still had a couple week or so of secrecy after that, but it got easier from there.  Anyway, my brain has often taken a cue from this time of year and resurrected those conflicted feelings as the darkness of November closed in.

Last week I realized I hadn't had any of that this year.  There was some nostalgia around Veterans Day, looking back at my Chihuly photos from that Pittsburgh trip, but it didn't really lead into that month-long somber mode.  Maybe it was because I was preoccupied with more real, physical health concerns rather than the just weird places my brain likes to go when it's bored, but I was surprised when I realized November was almost over and I hadn't really felt that bit of dark dread that usually comes this time of year.  It's a good thing, for sure, and it's about dang time (16 years later!) but it just struck me funny.

However, I think I have a different bit of nostalgia creeping up on me.  Lately it's been really bittersweet to see little kid photos.  Definitely of my own kids, but even other people's kid photos have given me pause.  It could be current photos from friends or family with littles, or it could be other people's memories of their now-grown kids who I remember being little.  I think two things are happening.  First, in regard to the latter group, I think it's just validation that all of our kids are growing way too fast and it serves as another reminder of the big kid stuff that's coming.  I see them dealing with things like college and letting them go off on their own, and it's scary because I know how quickly it's coming for us since it doesn't seem like that long ago that their big kid was tiny, too.  It's also another reminder that my time with Carter as my little buddy is getting to be really limited, which makes me sad.  This evolution, even of other people's kids, has been shockingly fast, and it's so bittersweet to see these memories and know how quickly the transition happened.  Time is a thief, for sure.

As for the group that has current little kids, I think there's some wistfulness for simple pleasures--for the magic and wonder of little kids who are still figuring out the world.  While I know there's a whole host of other problems, insecurities, and exhaustion that go along with those early stages, I can't help but be a little jealous of their position just starting out.  There's blissful naivete on the parents' part and a wide-eyed newness to everything for the kids.  Almost any given day can be a memory, adventure, or photo opportunity with little kids because there's always something new to do or discover.  You never know what new milestone they'll hit or when something like a holiday will finally resonate with them.  Once you have big kids, it usually takes something significant for them to simply crack a smile or even allow their picture to be taken.  I suppose it's much more special when it happens, so that's nice, but I've just found myself a little bowled over by the reality that those early stages are so far past now. 

Their pictures are also a reminder of a time where my kids' needs could be more obvious and easy to manage.  There may have been more of them, and they were harder to get through when inexperienced and sleep deprived, but their problems often involved a simple, momentary transaction - food, a nap, some hugs, a toy for distraction, etc.  It may not have felt easy at the time, but now our problems feel big and life-altering.  Every parenting decision seems critical.  Older kid parenthood means you don't know how to help them with their problems and are constantly second-guessing whether you need to help them or whether this needs to be a life lesson that will make them a better adult.  And in either case, will they feel like you abandoned them in their time of need?  The craziest part is that each kid is different and what works for one may not for the other, so these big kid problems never seem to get easier. 

With little kids, there's also a comfort (even if you don't recognize it at the time) that you have lots of years with your kids to fit in all the things and teach them everything you need to teach them.  We don't need to do that outing today or learn this life lesson this time around--there will be plenty of opportunities for that, right?  Time didn't always feel like a positive, of course--sometimes life dragged mercilessly.  But once they get older you realize time is short and panic sets in a bit.  Did we do all the things?  Did we make the most of those memories/experiences/phases?  What do I still need to teach them and will I have enough time to solidify it in their brains before it is real-life tested?  

As a really silly example, I'm currently freaking out at the prospect of packing away a bunch of Carter's toys, and especially his books.  It's about that time that we transition away from the little kid stuff, and once certain things get put away, we're officially into a new phase of life.  It's sort of crushing because we have so many memories of certain toys or books, and it's hard to admit that phase is over and give them away or pack them away for the next 15-20 years.  Or conversely, sometimes it feels like we didn't do justice to certain things, like must-have toys that didn't get played with that much.  I hate that feeling of wastefulness and missed opportunities.  Mind you, I suppose I've set myself up for more of that because more recently I've resigned myself to the fact that some gifts are given more for the moment of receiving them than anything else.  Parenthood goes so fast and in recent years I've gotten desperate to hang on to the magic where I can.  COVID probably started that, because we got extra desperate to make a magical holiday despite being stuck at home in 2020.  The Santa magic has faded a little more each year as the kids have aged, so I have to work a little harder to counteract it now.  That means that sometimes gifts will be a little less practical and a bit more fun.  This year that's going to be the case for a few of the kids' gifts--they may seem ridiculous on the surface, but it's stuff I know they want and I want them to have the "Christmas morning moment"...even if the long-term impact is more minimal than I'd like.  And someday I will put them away or donate them knowing that it may not have been worth it in the long run, but the moment was hopefully nice anyway.

I think another element of this is for me is that there's always mourning for the good moments we didn't have.  We had so many struggles--Jacob's behavior and medical issues, Carter's school and screen struggles, the sibling rivalry--which sometimes left our memories to fall a bit short of expectations.  We have few pictures and fewer memories of Jacob in big brother mode when Carter was born because he simply wanted nothing to do with him.  There weren't many opportunities for organic photos of brotherly love or playing together.  I never had those warm fuzzy moments where the big brother helped his little brother or gave him a hug.  Their relationship might be better now than it's ever been, thanks to a couple shared interests, but we never got those moments when they were little and it hurts sometimes.  There were also a lot of things we didn't do because we couldn't trust one or both kids to behave, be it vacations, those fancy family photo shoots, or simply getting together with friends.  Our first trip to Disney, for example, was such a mixed bag.  We had good memories but so many included really hard, trying moments.  I'm glad we healed some of those these last couple years, but still, it wasn't what it should have been.  We've missed a lot of moments that I've seen other people have with their kids, and we can't get that time back.  There are so many things I'd try to do differently if I had the chance, even though in reality I know we were in survival mode and at the time we didn't feel like we had much choice.  I think you just take for granted that things will work themselves out someday, but sometimes you realize the window closed and it never did work out quite like you hoped.  Sometimes the alternative is fine, too, but there will always be things I regret.

To that point, a few weeks ago I was in deep thought on one of my walks, and I pondered whether we missed an opportunity at some point to move to Buffalo, and what that might have looked like.  It's come up lately because Jacob always looks for "greener pastures" (especially with basketball) and when he's in an "I want to transfer schools" mood, he brings up moving to Buffalo.  Deep down it's something I always wanted to do because we'd be closer to family, which would have been great for bonding and babysitting when the kids were little, and now especially as our parents age, but there never seemed to be a good time.  It would have made a ton of sense to do it before the kids were in school, but we were never in a position to confidently quit our jobs and do that.  Nowadays, I have transferable skills in a specific career that always has openings, and I bet Craig could get a different job within the Pegula sports empire if he needed to.  Jacob has zero qualms of switching schools again (I know, I can't even), but it would kill me to do that to Carter because I know how badly he'd miss his friends at this stage.  I'd rather not uproot our entire lives, but if basketball gets desperate or some other factor points us there, it's something we'd consider.  But it was something we always sort of thought might present itself sooner, and poof, that time evaporated and now it would feel so monumental to rebuild our lives in a new but familiar place 20+ years into our life together.  I guess we just sort of took for granted it would eventually happen, and it didn't...so now what?  And I feel like a lot of parenthood can be like that.

I think my point is that you start out parenthood with all of these expectations, and then life just happens.  Some expectations are met, some aren't, and some go through some twists and turns we didn't expect.  Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, right?  You spend a lot of parenthood trying to get through the days, in survival mode in the midst of trying to plan out life in the short term and long term.  And at some point you come out of the rush, even for a moment, and take stock of things, and it's shocking to realize how fast it all went.  Case in point, don't even get me started on the pandemic and how the whole world seemed to go on pause, apparently with the exception of kid aging.  When we emerged from it all, my kids were in completely different stages than they were when it started.  I'm still having trouble processing that and how quickly these four years have passed. 

So, now I see pictures of these cute little kids and it often triggers me to mourn for times gone by.  It also leaves me with regret that I didn't enjoy it more in the moment.  I can't beat myself up for it because, again, so much was survival mode, but sometimes I wish I would have given myself more grace, seen more of the fleeting beauty, and known how precious those times were.  There's a wise quote from the character Andy Bernard in The Office--I've probably shared it before, but it applies here--“I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.”  Sometimes we're just so rushed or overwhelmed, or conversely, all the days are simply blending together, and we don't realize how important some things actually are.  I have times over the course of my life that seem so simple and insignificant--regular old evenings at home as a kid, wrapping up dinner and watching TV with the family, or quietly studying with my roommate on a regular day at college--that evoke this sense of peace and simplicity.  They weren't outstanding, just steady and simple moments that made up a lot of how I spent my time in those periods of my life.  It turns out somehow they were memorable in their own way, and in fact were part of the good stuff.  And I know that parenthood is going to turn out much the same, that even the mundane moments will take their own place among the big ones as something special, if only because they didn't last very long.

I'm grateful for the journey, for sure.  I appreciate this blog for highlighting those moments and being there to remind me of all the things we have done, even if it doesn't always fulfill my expectations or look like I thought it would.  I heard the other day that our brains tend to throw a little "pixie dust" on our memories and I can confirm that's probably true that the bad stuff usually eases over time, and the good parts stick with us a little more.  I do have lots of photos and memories from when my kids were little, but I suppose it's like anything else--when you have something good, you can never really get enough.  The more the merrier, and I guess maybe what I'm mourning is less that my kids are grown--after all, the big kid versions are pretty cool sometimes--and more that we won't get any more of those precious little kid moments and memories that just hit different.  Maybe that's why Disney has been so fun for us--it brings out the little kid in all of us and extends that childhood feel a bit.  

I honestly don't know how to prevent myself from getting lost in the day-to-day and help myself appreciate the present more--God knows I don't need more pressure on myself--but I'm trying.  In the meantime, I hope I can just be happy for those in my life who are still in the little kid phase and use those photos as a reminder to rediscover and appreciate my own precious memories.