What I've Figured Out So Far

I've been up at my full dose for almost a week now.  I stopped taking the Klonopin right around that time, at the suggestion of the medication nurse to ease off if I could.  Settling in has been...interesting.  Obviously the blowup with Jacob after the positive flu test didn't help matters, but the last few days have definitely put a few things into perspective and brought about some clarity about this whole situation.  

I can now tell the difference between anxiety and worry.  Regular worry comes and goes.  I can think of something concerning and it passes relatively quickly.  Anxiety sticks and ratchets up.  It's almost been strange to think about something that would normally surge my anxiety and just...think about it.  Not overreacting has been so strange.  Sometimes I worry maybe I'm being too chill about things and not worrying enough--like should I be taking more action on this?  More than likely the answer is "no" or at least "not now", so being able to be okay with that is really different.  Even still, I know right now that my body needs this break pretty badly, so I think I have to err on the side of underreaction right now.  I think I can almost see where people on brain meds start feeling a bit unemotional and almost robotic, as the lack of a reaction is so distinct when you've been reacting so strongly previously.  I don't think I'm quite at a worrisome level there, but I can see how people might start to feel that way, at least initially.  

I felt SO great around mid-week last week, but that let up a little bit, maybe coincidentally (or not) around Jacob's flu diagnosis.  I actually spent the weekend feeling pretty tired.  Ultimately I was fine and functional enough, but I was yawning a lot and just liked being in a restful position as much as possible.  I did try to nap on Sunday but oddly couldn't, so I'm not sure what that means.  When I was tired initially after starting the meds, I figured it was the Klonopin, but now that I'm off that, I'm wondering if my body is having a hard time adjusting to not being a live nerve all of the time.  It does have to be a big downshift and I assume it will take time for my body to produce a normal amount of whatever life-giving energy the adrenaline was overpowering.  I'm also still not sleeping as well as I'd like.  Some nights are better--sometimes I sleep through or only wake up briefly.  But then there's still nights like last night, where I woke up around 3:30 and never really went back to sleep.  I maybe dozed a little but never really slept--just flipped from side-to-side periodically and rested.  I think I mentioned before that my dad has sort of wonky sleep tendencies so I'm a little worried I'm transitioning into some new phase of life, either based on those genes or early peri-menopause.  Some days the lack of sleep doesn't bother me too much, at least until evening.  Today it seemed to be more impactful as I was a bit foggy and vaguely uncomfortable.  I am half expecting to come down with Jacob's flu at some point, just because I was a little congested last night, my heart felt a little extra thumpy during shoveling all weekend, and I felt so off today, but at this point it's hard to tell what's what given that my body is readjusting in so many areas.  I felt a little better tonight but I'm hoping a good night of sleep will cure all.

Despite the slight regression, I'm still sort of stunned at how my body transformed once I was on the medicine.  Random aches and pains disappeared and GI things stabilized.  My back pain all but disappeared, 99% of the stomach pains I was having have stopped, and all things GI feel much more stable.  And actually, now that I think about it, I haven't really noticed my reflux-y throat feeling nearly as sensitive.  A couple weeks ago, anything spicy or carbonated burned my throat a bit, but when I drank some pop over the weekend I didn't notice it at all.  Maybe I just didn't notice it in a way that made me overthink it, but that would be an interesting development if this calmed my reflux--and would hopefully bode well for Jacob, too.  I do feel like a couple things have crept back over the past couple days--including a fraction of the anxiety--but like I said, my immune system may be fighting off additional germs so I'm just sort of standing by at the moment.  The only thing that didn't go away (though it almost did prior to the weekend) was sore lymph nodes in my neck, and that could absolutely be fighting sick germs.  But I feel like once I give that some time, if things don't resolve, I'll feel better equipped to go to my doctor detailing what isn't feeling quite right now that I've filtered out a lot of the rest of the noise. 

The tiredness is another thing I'm keeping an eye on, and my continued blahness or general feeling of executive dysfunction over the weekend makes me wonder if I might have a slight case of functional depression hiding behind the anxiety.  Maybe it was just that I wasn't feeling as good as I was mid-week and that was making me worry, but I struggled to do the things I needed or wanted to do this weekend.  I didn't feel particularly motivated to cook, clean, sort mail, or do a lot of the little things I usually put off until the weekend.  I never got around to laundry, and I had to bribe myself with a "fun" stop just to get myself out and running errands on Saturday.  I knew I needed to go to Target and Wegmans, but my chair felt so much better.  Part of me wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby, and I convinced myself it might be fun to look at the Easter stuff even if I wasn't planning to buy anything.  Since Hobby Lobby isn't open on Sundays, I had to push myself to go right then, and it got me out of my chair.  I bought a couple cheap things for my earring-making habit, and I was happy for the little push to get myself moving.  But I feel like it shouldn't have been that hard.

Oh, and I've been meaning to share that in the last couple weeks I made a couple changes at home that eased my anxiety even before the meds did--proof that little changes can mean a lot.  I mentioned before that I reorganized Jacob's food setup a while back, and that left an entire open shelf in our dining room cabinet.  After some debate, I decided the best use would be to clear all of the random water bottles out of our overstuffed kitchen cabinets, and gather them there.  We don't use them nearly as much as we should, but I think part of that is that they were in multiple different spots, awkwardly crammed in, and it was hard to know what we had.  Moving all of them there will make it easier to filter through them and get rid of a few, and will hopefully make it easier to find the ones we need when we need them.  That also made space in other cabinets and reduced the risk of things falling on our heads when things get shifted around.  I still have the cabinet above the fridge that I need to take another look at because I stashed lesser used things up there and might have usable space for those now, but it was so nice easing up some cabinet space.  

The bigger game changer was the bathroom.  Our bathroom counter always had a million things on it.  Rinse cups, medications, toothpaste, gel, you name it.  And it always made the counter and sink so hard to clean because I had to move a dozen things just to wipe it down.  A while back I bought a couple baskets at the dollar store in hopes of using them to put everyone's individual toiletries in.  I never got around to doing it, but finally bit the bullet a couple weeks ago.  I only bought a couple to test it out, and because the kids had the majority of the stuff, they were the guinea pigs.  I even grabbed matching initial keychains they received as gifts ages ago that were just hanging around to "label" them!  They haven't complained and I can't even tell you how much of a mental difference it has made for me in the bathroom.  There's no more mess to drive up my stress level multiple times a day, and when there's something that needs to be cleaned, it's just a simple wipe instead of moving all of the things and getting frustrated.  It's such a game changer.  Maybe someday Craig and I will get our own (although he sort of uses a toiletry bag for that anyway and my stuff mostly fits in the one remaining basket on the counter), but I figure it's preparing the boys for dorm life a bit anyway!

Anyway, because Jacob spent most of the weekend self-quarantining in his room and Carter was focused on beating Fortnite (and had a church thing on Saturday night), I did manage some time for myself.  I watched a couple movies and started a new TV show and made some new earrings.  I still had to sort of push myself to do those things, which is weird (hence my suspicion of executive dysfunction--why am I putting off something enjoyable?), but it was good once I did.  It makes me feel like I did something this weekend, even if it was minimal.  I struggle with having the energy to do things, so if I can find a way to relax while still feeling productive, that's pretty much the best of both worlds.

This is all very much still a work in progress, but it's been an interesting experience so far.  More successful than I expected but also more changeable than I expected.  Even though the anxiety creeped back up a bit today, I'm thankful that it's still more of a break than my body has seen in months.  This is going to be a process, from medication, to my general health care, to what physical actions I'm taking to actively combat this.  The thing is, I'm not really afraid of it like I maybe thought I'd be.  I'm tired and hoping for improvement, but the path itself doesn't scare me.  I have tools, I have support, and I've already seen progress so far.  It's still going to be a bit daunting, especially if I can't fully escape my triggers, but I'm thankful for a path forward for now.

Trying

Over the last couple weeks, I have been actively working toward being a healthier version of myself.  As I mentioned in my "Adulting" post a couple weeks ago, I started therapy.  I realized my brain had gotten to a point where it was no longer working in a logical, rational realm and had moved on to worst case scenarios all the time.  It was something that was no longer in my control, and it was taking me over in a damaging way.

The first session I had was through the free program offered by my work.  In the first session we went over why I was there, which as I mentioned was really emotionally exhausting.  The second session, which ended up being via Zoom because of weather and my busy schedule that day, was focused on how the prior week had gone before we shifted to some practical stress reduction techniques.  That stuff is always a little awkward because meditation and deep breathing are not my strong suit.  That was my last session with that therapist, though, as we had already determined during my first session that I was going to be a longer-term project and would move on to the next step of the program, which meant a different therapist.  I was fine with that, as the first one was just sort of meh.  She was sort of the stereotypical, emotionless, prim-and-proper therapist type...nice, but a little too cold for me.

My first meeting with my new therapist (for something like 18 sessions the program offers, anyway) was even more emotional than the first session with the other therapist.  I had to retell my story, which wasn't really any easier than the first time.  This therapist is a spitfire of a woman, a warm but no-nonsense black woman mama bear type who seems like she's seen a lot.  This one has a certain warmth and ease about her, a definite let-it-all-out feel...and that I did.  I answered some tough questions, shed a few tears and tried to hold back a few more, and then had to go into the office and work...ha.  Note to self: stop scheduling sessions when I can't just go back and work from home after.  We talked through a lot, and she basically validated that this has been a huge burden to carry.  She said that the "generalized anxiety" diagnosis was a pretty easy one in my case.  So, there we go--one more thing to check off on the old medical history.  I've always sort of thought I had some tendencies that would qualify me, but at least now I can check it off without feeling weird about it.  I think just having someone acknowledge that this has been a lot is a very emotional thing.  You can know it, and you can even talk about it with other people who acknowledge all that you're going through is hard, but hearing it from a professional who has probably heard everything hits different.  I mean, maybe it's their job to validate your feelings and quietly they're like, why is she freaking out about this?  But I don't think that's the case.  I think they at least understand brain chemistry and get that even if the things I worry about aren't actually real, they seem way too real to me in the moment.  We haven't delved into this yet, but I feel like some of it is the planner in me--I don't want to be caught unaware, so it feels like my duty to plan and prepare for every worst-case scenario, just in case.  And news flash: that is exhausting and probably not the healthiest coping mechanism.  

The following Monday was my medication evaluation.  I wasn't really planning on going in there and giving an enthusiastic "yes".  I wasn't closed-minded to it either, as I know plenty of people that have benefited from medication, but part of me hoped for a more natural plan.  That's why I started magnesium late the prior week, just to see if it eased things up a bit.  Someone had recommended it and it seemed like a starting point to see if maybe that could do the job for now.  Well, I do think it helped a little--I did get one full night's sleep and I didn't freak out doing Carter's birthday cake, nor did I go into a panic when Jacob kept mentioning more random symptoms here and there over that weekend.  But then I had two bad nights of sleep and decided maybe it just wasn't enough, at least not yet.  

The nurse practitioner I met with was really friendly and down-to-earth.  I had to do my whole story for a third time, and once again, it was hard and tear-filled.  The story just has so many steps, and every time I tell it, it boggles my mind even more how much we've been through.  There's so many "how many more things is this kid going to deal with?" moments--where the therapists probably think I'm getting to the end of the story but I'm actually just somewhere in the middle--that it really drives the point home of what a slog this has been.  It's been an endless set of issues, and to still have no real resolution is hard.  And that's just the story of the last eight months of countless instances of freakouts for random medical concerns.  It's probably at least 15 minutes of that before I even get to December's surgery, and the bone cyst that led to the plate that led to December's surgery ends up being an "oh, yeah..." kind of afterthought.  The ADHD and Celiac diagnosis enter into the mix somewhere when I explain his past, and that's not even mentioning early issues like a couple bouts of bronchiolitis and acid reflux as a baby, plus that random mole removal as a toddler.  I haven't even gotten into those with the therapists, but thinking back on it myself, they certainly set the stage for a "never a dull moment" life with him.  It's not his fault, obviously--he never asked for any of this and pretty much doesn't know any different than to deal with challenge after challenge.  It sucks for him...100 percent.  I love him more than life itself, obviously, but recounting all of this has been a stark reminder that I really, really wish I could have enjoyed this parenting journey a little bit more.  Survival mode sucks.  Thankfully I've had more of the good, "normal" moments with Carter, which has saved me at times.  Even though Jacob's anxiety flares continue to be a struggle, I can't help but marvel at the person he has become.  He's had so many struggles but is so resilient in other ways.  He's mature beyond his years and is super goal oriented.  Sometimes he says things that amaze me with their maturity, and other times he's so stuck on a plan he's convinced is flawless but won't listen to reason about why it could use some work.  Having a confident, stubborn, smart kid has its pros and cons for sure.  But I'll probably always carry with me a lot of guilt and wishes for all that I could have or should have done better, because I know I have failed him in so many ways, despite my best efforts.  If he wasn't already so sick of therapy, he'd probably have an adulthood worth of material for a therapist discussing how badly I messed him up. 

Anyway, back to my medicine eval.  The nurse practitioner asked how I've been sleeping, and the answer was, "Not good."  I can fall asleep just fine most of the time, unless Jacob has a late-night freak out which then gets me all riled up.  But most of the time I'm overly tired (dating back over a year ago post-COVID when I started getting crazy tired mid-evening and usually take an involuntary chair nap, unless I can somehow keep myself moving/occupied), so falling asleep isn't the problem.  What is the problem is waking up sometime between 3:30 and 5:30 and not being able to go back to sleep.  It all started right before my car accident (ironically) and got worse after.  My brain would just get going, and I was done for the night after a mere few hours of sleep.  It eased a little bit after a couple months, when I got a bit better at dozing back off, but it's pretty hit or miss overall.  Oddly, despite the sleep deprivation, I have managed to function reasonably well during the day.  Rarely do I have one of those afternoons where I'm nodding off at my desk.  It's like five hours became my new magic number, but of course the magic wears off mid-evening.  The nurse explained that with all of the stress hormones flowing through, it's no surprise I can't sleep.  But...I also know my dad has long had similar sleep patterns so I may be working against genetics on top of my own brain.

The nurse practitioner delved into a really solid explanation of why medication is important in a case like mine.  Bear with me, it was a lot and maybe I won't recall it 100% correctly, but this is the gist.  I've been anxious to some degree my whole life, and that has slowly drawn down my serotonin levels over time.  I've managed to function pretty highly despite the anxiety, but things are starting to dwindle a bit (I'm guessing that's not just the effect over time but also of age).  With all the added stress lately, my body is basically bleeding it, and when you spend most of your time in some sort of fight-or-flight mode, your blood vessels contract (she said it was the difference between sucking through a McDonald's straw vs. a coffee stir straw) so your blood pressure rises.  The blood flow is diverted to your heart and brain that need it for fight-or-flight, keeping it from other parts of the body that need it too.  You have stress hormones pumping through your body, and before you know it, your body is breaking down.  She basically insinuated that it was possible that most of my physical symptoms lately--my sore back, lymph nodes, weight loss, GI symptoms--could all relate back to the inflammation that those stress hormones wreak on the body.  Well, shucks.  That was eye-opening.

And, of course, as I'm hearing all of this, part of me kept thinking about Jacob and the countless things he's been dealing with, which in some cases we've assumed were anxiety-based.  Think about it--while we can't explain the high blood pressure that first day at the doctor, the resulting stress from that--plus the worry about what it meant and maybe underlying concerns about us leaving on our trip--could have spiked Jacob's stress hormone levels and poof, his acid reflux was born.  We don't know that, of course, but it's a thought.  And all of the other things that have been bothering him?  I mean, we know the kid has stress and anxiety and spirals very quickly, so it's not a reach that some of those physical symptoms he's having could relate back to that.  He's always maintained he does not want medicine, which I can sympathize with.  He is already on ADHD meds and doesn't love it.  I do think they help him more than he realizes since we can often tell the difference when he doesn't take it or they wear off.  He gives his brother a harder time, stirs the pot more with us, gets distracted from school work, and usually has a wide-awake obsessing period right before bed (which prevents him from getting enough sleep) that usually involves endless conversations with us when we're trying to go to bed.  But I honestly think he might benefit from some meds to get himself to a baseline to see what his body does when it's not fighting against itself.  He's wasting a lot of energy (and potentially blood flow) on that anxiety, so it really makes me wonder what it could be affecting.  But he's so into natural stuff that it will be a struggle just to get him to consider it.  The nurse did say she has a pediatrics portion of her job and would love to get him in just to explain it all to him.  Given his continued struggles to heal his leg (it's better, just not where he wants it), I think it could be motivating.  He does now seem open to it, so I guess we'll see how soon we can make that happen.

But for now, the best I can do is model what this experience is like.  After hearing her rationale, I really felt like medication had to be attempted and there was no sense putting it off.  If it could ease some of the things I was dealing with, that would be a game changer.  She suggested Zoloft, and because it takes a while to reach max efficiency (let alone finding the right therapeutic dose), she recommended Klonopin a couple times a day as well.  That gave me pause because I was almost immediately sure that was the drug that Stevie Nicks (of Fleetwood Mac fame) had been addicted to, which she said was worse to quit than cocaine.  Hmmmm.  But, obviously, this is a bit different.  That was eight years, this is just a few weeks on a super low dose.  It will ease the anxiety symptoms while my serotonin levels rebound a bit as the Zoloft gets itself up and running.  It's still a little nervewracking, but I trust her.  I picked up the prescriptions that night, and started them last Tuesday.  

A week and a half in, and so far, so good, I guess.  I did have a moment of blurred vision right after taking the first doses--my reading glasses weren't enough to see my phone clearly--but that seemed to pass.  I've maybe been a little more physically tired, but nothing terrible most of the time.  My anxiety had been in a relative lull when I started them, but I felt pretty good the rest of the week.  But near the end I was starting to get a couple jolts of baseless angst again.  I think it was just a perfect storm of Craig leaving on a road trip, Jacob having two games and a training session, Carter's actual birthday (with possibly late presents), and an incoming massive snow storm that threatened to screw up our beloved and much anticipated Strong Museum night Sunday (it did but it got rescheduled, and the snow wasn't terrible in the end, although it did make Craig's travel pretty rough).  Still, I was much better off than I would have been.  Sleeping still has its challenges as I think the Klonopin is wearing off when I wake up and my brain has struggled to keep quiet, but I have had more decent nights recently, so I'm hopeful.    

By the middle of this week I was feeling pretty darn great, actually.  Overall I think my brain and body have both been calmer and I just felt like a huge weight had lifted.  My next therapy session was Wednesday, and she was like, "You're smiling!"  I did feel almost like a different person than the last time I was there.  It seems like most of my physical symptoms have eased, but it's hard to know if it's the anxiety or they finally just ran their course.  GI things have evened out, my back pain is significantly better, and my lymph nodes aren't as sore.  I still have a couple lingering things, but at least I can pinpoint those better if/when I finally call my doctor.  If it is all due to the medicine, well, that is one heck of a realization of just how integrated our mental health can be with our physical health.  

Today marked day one of the full Zoloft dose so I'm just waiting to see how that impacts things.  I can also start easing off the Klonopin, so I have to see what that starts feeling like as well.  Today I'm back to feeling a bit more tired and brain foggy, but I know there's adjusting that needs to happen so I'm trying to be patient.  I know this is rarely an easy process, but so far it's been smoother and done more than I expected very quickly.  It does give me a lot of hope that it could help Jacob as well.  

But then later today the wheels fell off a bit.  Jacob was calling me incessantly at work telling me he wasn't sure if he was sick and he really wanted to test for the flu.  His teammates have had a variety of illnesses and kept coming to practice, and even the athletic director ended up with COVID this week.  He hadn't been feeling 100% all week but he couldn't really pinpoint it--maybe a little tired, maybe a little more stuffed up, some headaches.  But today he got all panicky and wanted to test before practice to know if he was going to give anything to his teammates.  I was a little resistant because he didn't have a fever and really didn't seem to even be sure he was sick...so how bad could he be?  Would it even show up on a test?  And considering this was the kid that insisted he had pneumonia on and off for weeks, can you blame me for assuming he might be making it bigger than it was?

Well...he did a combo flu/COVID test and sure enough, Flu A had the absolute faintest positive possible.  So of course he was super mad at me for insisting he didn't have the flu--though had he tested a couple hours earlier, it probably wouldn't have shown a positive.  It was SO faint.  Most people with Flu A have high fevers, body aches, serious fatigue, and a cough...and he barely had any hint of that.  So...was I wrong?  Yes.  But can you blame me?  Probably not at that stage.  By later tonight I would have been more easily convinced as he was feeling a lot worse.  He went to the doctor this evening and got Tamiflu since it was so early.  We'll see how that works out.

He was absolutely intolerable most of the night after that.  He's upset because he probably won't be able to play in his big comeback game in sectionals on Tuesday.  He had SO been looking forward to that and now that dream is probably dead.  I don't blame him for being devastated about that.  I also know he's not feeling well, so I know that doesn't help.  But he was being an absolute jerk about literally everything, yelling and ranting about how he can't trust me and I don't help him and blaming us for not getting him a drink he never asked for....it was one of those moments where I was wondering if we might need to take him in somewhere because he was barely even making sense by that point.  He also lost it on me when I was about to message his therapist about doing the medication consult, because how dare I do that when he's sick (even though it was very clear it was needed before this).  He did chill out and apologize by the end of the night, but these anxiety spikes are crazy and we really do need to try medicine sooner rather than later because these incidents are so damaging to our relationship.   

I still probably did better with the whole situation than I would have non-medicated, but yeah, the anxiety is still there.  Ultimately I know that no matter how good the meds are, if something is really wrong with anyone in my family, they won't ever be enough medicine to offset it.  That is really the key to everything.  I will probably never be my old self until I know my family is healthy and happy, or at least reasonably close to where we were before these last eight months.  When the therapist cautioned me to not be one of those people who decides out of the blue that I don't need the medicine now that I'm feeling better, I told her the only way I'd probably ever consider going off it is if we get past this entire medical mess and I have full confidence that Jacob (and everyone else for that matter) is fine.  I may never have that much of a comfort just because of how life goes, but for now I'm thankful to have found a way to get some relief from the constant mental torture I was dealing with before.  I was in a place where I was endlessly imagining all the things that could be wrong, and that was wasting a lot of energy and sanity.  The baseless worry on top of real worry had created a spiderweb of problems that went beyond my brain and into the rest of my body.  Now that much of that has eased, I can hopefully focus my energy on what's real and try to manage that.  I'm hopeful the medicine will help repair some of the trauma of the last eight months and help strengthen me for whatever lies ahead.  

Tonight was hard regardless, but I'm so thankful that I'm hopefully on a path to healing my brain and my body for the long haul.

Birthday Weekend

I felt a little bad getting Carter's party out of the way last weekend, because I felt like his actual birthday weekend might be a little underwhelming.  We had to do it then because it was Craig's only weekend off, and thank goodness we did because the weather was sketchy enough this weekend that it would have been questionable to make happen.  But with Craig gone and two of Jacob's games, how exciting of a birthday weekend could it be?  And when his gifts weren't looking to arrive on time, I was even more worried.

On the bright side, it was the weekend leading into February break week, so how bad can it really be?  Friday was Valentine's Day, and that ended up pretty underwhelming.  Craig left first thing in the morning for Saskatoon, where the weather was below zero all weekend.  Before he left, I gave him his little gift, a tube of Hershey Kisses with a Snoopy head on top.  Thankfully Carter got himself out the door on time, leaving me to fight the Jacob battle.  He was late, but he got there.  I settled in for my work day from home and did what I could, but I had to cut out early to pick up Jacob from school for his workout.  I worked from the lobby during that, drove him back home, and eventually had to get him to his game.  Carter opted to stay home.  

The game was ironically at his old school, which was super weird.  Given how he left and all the mixed feelings, it just felt odd to be back.  I ran into Coach Jeff, the scorekeeper who we know from Upward basketball and Greece baseball, right on the way in.  He offered to get me in for free and I gratefully declined.  The gym has been completely redone since we were there.  It looks nice but it felt a bit like an alternate reality--same place, totally different feel.  Most of their team is completely different--only a couple players remain the same, and only one of the former JV players (the heir apparent (and little brother) to Jacob's 3-point predecessor) seemed to have a prominent role.  From afar I could see the little girl, now a full-blown toddler, who used to sit in front of us a lot when she was a baby.  Her brother is on the JV team now.  I saw one other parent but I don't think she recognized me.  I talked to the one coach who was always really nice to Jacob, but otherwise, I just kept to myself on the visitor side.

It was bittersweet seeing that sectional banner on the wall.

As much as Jacob really wanted to play in this particular game when we he was planning out his surgery recovery, in the end it didn't work out.  His leg is getting a lot better but he continues to have pain and swelling when he works it out.  It's fine and expected to some degree, but it mostly just means he needs to get the one tendon strengthened again to give him the power in that leg.  He did, however, dress in uniform and take part in warmups for the first time since his surgery.  He started a little rough but did sink a few threes in the end.

It was nice seeing him out there again, smiling and interacting.  But it was weird being on the other side, seeing one of his closest former teammates assistant coaching on the other bench, and knowing that the crowd that once cheered his threes was probably half relieved/half letdown that he wasn't playing.  

Oddly, at one point I did hear the peanut gallery of Northstar students on stage chant, "We want Jacob!"  I almost missed it and almost thought I heard wrong, but Jacob heard it too.  I assume they wanted to see him get out there and get shut down, but I have to think they would have quietly enjoyed seeing him work his three-point magic one more time.  Carter didn't want to come, but of course I had to get the almost-birthday boy his beloved favorite-ever popcorn to go.

The game was...interesting.  Northstar wasn't very good, but obviously we weren't either.  It was interesting to see a couple players step up in comparison to their limited roles two years ago, but it was just an odd and awkward feeling the entire time.  And that was without Jacob even playing.  There were a handful of RACS students sitting near me on the bleachers and as the game came down to the end and the score was as close as it's ever been, they were chanting for Jacob too!  By some miracle, RACS took the lead late in the game, and although there was a close call near the end, somehow they pulled off the win!  It was a huge victory--their first all season.  I guess it couldn't have come at a better time, but again, awkward for me!  

On the way out, of course we had to visit the old brick...

Even though it had been an early game, by the time we got home and got ourselves settled, it was late and we ended up just doing choose-your-own dinner.  At least both boys came with me on the three stops--Salvatore's for Jacob, Wendy's for Carter, and Taco Bell for me.  I just couldn't waste time trying to figure out something better/cheaper at that point.  I also gave the boys their Valentine's treats--a Java's rice krispie treat brick for Carter (from my stint at Eastman the day before) and a basketball themed Reese's tin for Jacob.  My Valentine's Day was clearly underwhelming, but it's a fake holiday anyway, right?  For the record, I did do a lobster dinner for the family (including a whole one for Jacob) on Thursday.

Saturday, of course, was Carter's birthday!  I had asked Carter what he wanted for his birthday breakfast, and he said a fast food breakfast.  Well, ok...back to Taco Bell I went the next morning (well, after a relatively lazy sleep-in kind of morning).  He enjoyed his crunchwrap and Cinnabon bites, and I enjoyed the Cinnabon coffee!  I gave birth so I deserved something, right?  Jacob's team had another game on Saturday afternoon so the birthday celebrating was a little bit on hold until we could get through that.  Of course, just as we were leaving it marked the start of about a 36-hour snowstorm, so that was a bit of a miserable drive.  The game was no better.  The team they were playing was a lower class team but a pretty decent one within their class, and RACS lost by a ton.  It was a pretty awful game to watch, if I'm being honest.  Everything they did right the night before just didn't work in this one.  That officially concluded the regular season, so now on to sectionals next week.  The hope is that Jacob can play in that first game and at least help them to one win.  We'll see.

Back home we had some easy late lunches and then the wait was on for Carter's last three gifts.  I had a couple gifts set for him early, picked up another one Wednesday, and had ordered four others a while ago on Amazon.  One was a great deal, but it got stuck in some sort of purgatory--I think it went out of stock, but then never shipped once it was back in.  After two shipping delays customer service did me a solid and got it moving, and that arrived Tuesday.  My other stuff shipped on the far end of the delivery window.  It wasn't supposed to arrive until Monday, but imagine my delight when I got the notice it was coming on Saturday instead!  As soon as it arrived, I whisked it off to my room, wrapped it all up, and it was finally time for presents!  We Facetimed in Craig from the bus to the arena.

He got Joyride candy and freeze-dried astronaut ice cream, two magic tricks (one split rope trick and one exploding dice trick), two magic card decks, a Slushy cup he wanted (I was skeptical but it actually works!), the Aldi fake-Lego semi-truck to go with the Aldi store he got for Christmas, and the extra delayed Amazon purchase--a Lego ice cream shop to add to his land of food.  Carter is not generally a big Lego kid but he does love his assortment of food trucks and other food-related offerings.  He has a donut truck coming from Craig's parents that got delayed before the party last weekend.  Oh, and Craig got him a Lego road set that arrived early and accidentally got seen as he opened the box expecting something else.  

Since we had a late lunch, dinner was delayed and tough to decide on anyway and the weather was crappy, so we settled on Bill Gray's, which was right around the corner.  I did one quick evening shoveling session to make Sunday better (since we could have ended up with a foot of snow, I figured a little at a time was better), and that just about did it for the day.  It maybe wasn't the most exciting day, but I hope he felt loved.

I wasn't sure what we'd be waking up to Sunday, but I did check radar a couple times in the night.  The forecast was looking pretty awful--snow and ice in varying amounts. In the end we got a glaze of ice and a bit of snow by morning.  I had planned on skipping church because I just didn't want to deal with it either way.  With the extra time I ended up making homemade donuts for breakfast, which was a fun little treat--that recipe is SO good.  It's the same one I used to accessorize Carter's donut cake a few years ago!  The snow really got going again around that time, and it ended up being a pretty messy day overall.  I was worried about Craig getting back from Toronto after flying in from Saskatoon, and I was worried about our evening activity, our free night at Strong Museum.  That officially got postponed by early afternoon (bummer, but it sounds like we should be able to make the new date), and while Craig's trip took a bit longer and featured lots of cars off the road, he did finally get home just before dinner time.  We did piecemeal dinner because I just didn't have it in me to cook much--more on that in my next post--and I did one more round of shoveling with Carter's help.  We probably have 6-7 inches, although it's hard to tell since our patio table looks higher than that.  Otherwise, it was just a quiet night overall to wrap up the weekend.

The good news is it's break week, so no lunch packing and we can mostly sleep in a little later.  The bad news is the house will be chaos and I will feel like I'm cooking and cleaning non-stop (wasn't it just Christmas and multiple holiday/weather days with all of that?!).  Jacob and I also need to be up and out early tomorrow because he has his brain study.  It's the short day this year, which he's actually bummed about because the MRI would have been helpful peace of mind given headaches he's been having.  He has his eye appointment after that to alleviate another one of his recent concerns.  His endoscopy is coming up in another couple weeks, as well.  He's not thrilled about this Monday schedule because it interferes with his rehab, but it's gotta get done.  Oh, and now he thinks he's getting sick (because his teammates are idiots and keep coming in sick), so that should make for a fun week...and I haven't even gotten into all of the fun I've been dealing with!  Next post soon...

Twelve!

Dear Carter,

I simply can't believe we're here again.  I still so vividly remember being pregnant with you, barely able to move.  I blinked and you were here, this tiny little peanut I could hold for hours.  I blinked again and you were a super smiley toddler who brought joy to everyone around him.  Then, poof, you hit elementary school and admittedly the wheels fell off a bit.  School was a challenge, the pandemic hit, and things got really hard.  But then we figured you out and you've been full speed ever since--rocking middle school and nearly catching up to me in height.  My sweet baby is growing up so fast.  

This was an interesting year, for sure.  You did an amazing job finishing off your elementary school career, complete with amazing awards and a wonderful report card.  You kept that momentum up right through middle school, too.  I was worried about lockers and the wacky schedule, and how you'd balance chorus and orchestra, and you've done amazing.  Yes, your school bag weighs about 30 pounds so I suspect we should be utilizing that locker a little better overnight, but I'm so proud of how you've rocked it so far--that high 90s average is amazing and your teachers really seem to like you.  I'm wowed by how well you settled in to all of it.

Baseball was a fun development this year.  It really started the year before, but this was the year you really gave it a go.  It was fun to see you get into something so strongly, to be excited to go out and hit balls, and I loved watching you out on the field, especially at first base.  Baseball also gave you something to bond over with your brother, which was helpful and offset a few of the less-great moments like that darned concussion you gave him.  Ugh.  I get it--I was the younger sibling and sometimes it's all hands on deck when you're battling, but I hope someday you two can actually function without the battles.  We've come SO far over these past few years, and I hope eventually it all comes together for you two.

Our adventures maybe felt a bit less this year.  Now that playgrounds are out of the picture, it's a bit harder to find opportunities to go out together.  Sometimes I don't want to fight the screen battle, as much as I should, because some days it's so hard to pull you away and I'm bummed I have to fight that hard.  But we did get in some amusement parks and a few local things, and I had a blast.  I hope you did too.

As it is now apparently tradition, here's a compilation of our selfies from this year, each one a fun little memory or moment that I wanted to remember with you.  

This year brought on a new level of seeing your personality develop.  I know we still give you a lot of grief over your screen time (as well we should), but you've had some moments this year that give us hope and excitement for the big kid you'll be.  Watching you try to perfect your magic tricks (and perform them on Christmas even!) has been so entertaining.  We've seen this funny sense of humor emerge--sometimes a little too cheesy for my taste (and our tastes in YouTube videos are definitely miles apart), but Dad has loved the funny pictures and graphics you message him and sometimes your humor hits so perfectly.  You definitely have a quick wit and want to entertain as much as you can.

Your world of stuffed animals has brought us a lot of joy (and snuggles) this year.  You've always had a lot of company in bed, but just when we thought the stuffed animal zoo around this house was easing off, we somehow ended up with a few more, and you essentially became the ringleader/dad/voice of them all to keep us entertained.  It's been pretty funny to watch you act out their antics.  And yes, I can always use a chubby moose hug.  And you are still generous with the hugs yourself, and often ask how my day has gone.  You know when I'm sad and always want to help and give me a hug.  You have such a sweet heart and I hope you never lose that.  I see flashes of the teenage attitude sometimes and get a little nervous, but I hope you keep a bit of balance and don't totally shun your poor mother who has loved being your adventure buddy all this time.  Sometimes I see moms and teenage sons doing fun things together and hope that can be us for years to come.  I still have some amusement parks I want to hit up if our travels allow, so fingers crossed we can have another fun summer! 

As you hit twelve, I know the year ahead is going to be a big one of changes.  Based on your brother, you're going to evolve from cute older boy to being on the verge of a handsome young man by your next birthday.  The changes in Jacob from 12 to 13 were striking and I know you'll be similar.  You may be a couple inches behind him at this age, but you're now only a couple inches behind me, so at least you'll be passing me in no time!  I won't know what to do when my hug comes from above!

I know this birthday hits a little different with Dad on the road, your gifts arriving later in the day (but at least they got here!), and having to sit through Jacob's game, but I hope it was a good day nonetheless!  And at least we got to celebrate you already last week--that was fun having everyone here, and your cake was pretty cool.  Birthdays definitely get different as you get older, but I hope this one made you as happy as you make us every single day.  You've brought such joy into our lives from day one, and it's hard to believe we've had 12 full years of it!  Happy Birthday Carter!  We love you so much!

Love, 

Mom

News & Notes, Pre-Birthday Edition

Another week down and another one started.  Hard to believe this is the kids' last full week of school before February break.  I'm not entirely sure how we got here already, especially since January felt like it dragged.  Seems like we were just getting past Christmas break, but I guess two weather days and two holidays will break things up a bit and make the cold, gray block of January not quite so solid.  

Speaking of which, this winter has officially reversed the trend of the last couple mild ones.  We barely seemed to have snow the last few years, and this year once it came, it has pretty much stayed.  It'll melt lower periodically, but we haven't seen full grass in weeks.  It's been mostly very cold aside from a day here or there where 35 seems balmy.  We had a bunch of wind and some ice last week, and now we're in line for at least a couple storms this week on the heels of about four inches over the weekend.  I barely got to that "desperate for spring" mode last year because I was walking a bunch by February and March, but my target is usually around 40 degrees and we haven't had that or clear sidewalks in ages, nor does it look like we'll get there anytime soon.  It's giving me February 2015 vibes (10 years ago already!) when it was above freezing for only an hour in all of February.  We haven't been quite that extreme--that included lots of single digits, feet of snow, and just absolute misery--but we've spent a lot of time in the 20s and teens, and the snow has been frequent.  Not awful, just an inch or three at a time, maybe four once or twice, but it's starting to pile up and it's getting old.  Oddly we're actually right on pace for an average winter, but after recent years it feels like a lot.  I think maybe most old winters used to include one storm of 12-18 inches at a crack, whereas we're getting more instances of lesser snow so it feels more relentless.  I know we're getting closer to the downslope, as the daylight is feeling longer at both ends of the day, but man, I would love a good snow-free walk!

Jacob is coming along.  He still has a symptom or two every day that he brings up as odd, but for my own sanity I am trying to keep those worries at bay as much as possible.  He's testing his leg more and more, and actually hopes to play in a game later this week so he can get in the required games before sectionals.  He may not be able to play a lot as he's barely been practicing, but they need his offense desperately, however it comes.  He's still a bit discouraged about any pain or swelling he gets, but by all accounts he's not really risking damage by pushing it.  The holes were still there a couple weeks ago, per his follow-up X-ray, but they don't seem to have concerns about the stability.  Otherwise, we have an eye appointment (and his yearly brain study) next week, and his endoscopy is scheduled for early March.  I do think the GI cleanout helped some of his symptoms, but it's hard to tell where that stands as he hasn't been complaining much and I don't necessarily want to bring it up.  He hasn't been on his reflux meds because of the endoscopy, so hopefully no complaints is a good sign that it has eased.

As for me, I'll get into my situation in another post.  Progress...maybe?

I realized the other night that I hadn't transferred any of my phone pics to my computer since the new year.  I took so few pictures in January that it's actually a little depressing.  Carter's Monopoly money stack, a puzzle, our Christmas card display before I took them down, a couple pictures of a dapper Jacob on the court before a game, a couple pictures from Carter's and my walk to the car after the Knighthawks game, a few snow pics, and a few other random moments, but really nothing of significance at all.  When you're trying to push through a tough time and the dreariest time of year, it's not particularly helpful to not have fun things going on.  But you also have to have the energy and time for fun things, and that's not always easy either.  I keep trying to find a weekend to go to Buffalo, but Jacob's practices tend to muck that up a bit.  When Craig is out of town, I feel bad dragging Carter on an outing and leaving Jacob alone.  Carter doesn't really want to go to Jacob's games when he's not playing, so we haven't done as much of that as I'd anticipated either.  I'm often just lacking motivation to go above and beyond right now, and my body may be craving down time as much as it is fun time.  But it doesn't make for an exciting camera roll.  It was definitely a weird month, for a lot of reasons.

We did have a little break from the monotony this weekend since it was Craig's first weekend off since his season started in November.  That meant we needed to get in Carter's birthday party before the next string of road trips starts (Saskatoon this weekend, where highs are below zero all week!).  We invited the grandparents and I tried to whip the house into shape over the course of the week!  We figured we'd do the party earlier Saturday so they could drive home in daylight, but then we moved it an hour earlier to noon because snow was coming that evening and we definitely wanted them to avoid that.  By some miracle I did get the house mostly together, and thankfully we were doing pizza and wings for food (plus a salad I put together) so really the only major thing I had to do once the house was decent was the cake.

Now, last year we ended up not doing a party for either kid, so I felt very much out of party-shape and cake-shape.  I guess that's sort of on me.  I mean, for Carter's I think we were dealing with Craig's schedule, Jacob's schedule, my parents traveling, probably some degree of sickness and weather, and--if I'm being honest--just being overwhelmed at the thought of getting the house in any shape for company.  This is a busy time of year for me at work, and I have a feeling we were really in the thick of no cooperation on the neatness front at home, and I just don't think I felt confident I could get the house in shape, so it never happened.  I think we also ended up seeing each set of grandparents separately right around the birthday anyway, so it felt like there wasn't much reason for a party if they had already wished him happy birthday and there were no more gifts to give.  And then for Jacob in June, he hadn't really wanted a party in a couple years because he was let down by quite a few party no-shows in the past.  But I think he would have taken one last year, but if you recall, we were in Punta Cana until right before, and then afterward was Pittsburgh into COVID into the aftermath of all of the health craziness we had leading up to that trip.  And summer weekends are always a little crazy, let alone adding baseball x2 into the mix last year.  So it never happened in either case, and to this day I feel bad about it...and felt even worse when I went into my cake photo album on Facebook and faced down the gap since the last picture I posted.  But heading into this year I knew that had to change, and luckily we had a weekend where the stars aligned--Craig was home, the grandparents could make it, no weather or illness ultimately complicated things, and I was able to get it all together.  But I was a bit out of practice and that made cake-making a little nervewracking this time around.

I originally thought about tackling a full sphere baseball with my ball mold (which I have mostly only ever used half of, a few times).  But then Carter sat with me looking at Pinterest, where I had previously pinned a viola (well, violin) cake and some baseball stuff.  I had done a field cake for Jacob when he was five, which felt tough to top, so I didn't want this one to be too close to that.  But Carter really liked the field idea, so we eventually decided on a field on top and baseball stitches on the sides.  I didn't have a ton of time to get the cake baked on a crazy Friday, but crammed it in later that evening and started in on decorating right away in the morning.  Since we like having half chocolate, half vanilla, I ended up making one extra thick round layer of each and nine cupcakes of each flavor with the rest of the batter.

I have to be honest, this one probably went as smooth as any I've ever done.  I started taking magnesium the day before and couldn't help but wonder if it was keeping me more chill than usual.  I usually have a few panic moments but stayed pretty calm for any I started to have.  I layered the cakes, did the white sides and brown top, decided to do stars to finish the messy top and bottom edges.  The cake was a little crumby so the white sides were rough, but that was probably my biggest issue.  The baseball laces were almost bad because the tip the red icing came with was too wide, and then it almost got messy as a result.  Some almost landed on the white stars a couple times, but thankfully toothpicks saved me and fortunately I started on the back so messy mattered less.  I mostly got it right on the front.  The field wasn't perfect but it was good enough, and the grass is usually very forgiving--and this one was quick enough to not let the frosting get too soft, which has happened with grass cakes in the past and makes the grass sort of melty and not as defined.  In the end, I was really happy with it.  Simple, straightforward, and pretty darn cute.

It was nice having all of the grandparents here.  It had been a while, both since they'd been here and since we'd seen them at all (going all the way back to Christmas) so it was much needed family time.  Everyone got along well and we were all thrilled to celebrate the birthday boy...a week early.
  

A couple weeks ago, for some unknown reason, this head came home with Craig from the office.  I think it was probably a prototype for some mascot--maybe going back to when the old Knighthawks needed a new mascot?  It's been hanging around ever since and making some weird appearances, including this one.

Carter got cash from my parents and would have had a gift to open but a snowstorm in the midwest held it up so just a couple envelopes to open this time!  But his Lego Donut Food Truck will be coming soon to his food fest on the living room floor!

As I was putting candles on I sort of couldn't believe how many needed to go on his cake.  How did we get here?!  Wasn't I just figuring out his first birthday giant cupcake a few years ago?

I have to say, the cake was delicious.  In particular the white cake turned out amazing this time.  Thank goodness we have plenty left!  Overall, it was a really nice afternoon, and everyone made it home safely before the snow came through again.  

Sunday was a pretty quiet day, all things considered.  We went to church as a family for the first time in months, shoveled a bit once we got home, had our usual Sunday lunch, sat around for a bit, ordered Livingston County for Craig and Jacob (Carter and I could eat party leftovers), and I ran out for some errands while Craig and Jacob went to pick up the food.  I ran to Michael's to see if there was anything compelling to spend my $5 voucher on (nope), Aldi to see if I could find the whole lobsters (or any other fun finds) (also nope), Wegmans to pick up a handful of needed groceries, another Aldi (again no on the lobster), and then finally off to Kohl's.  I had to order a shirt for Jacob and wanted to order from the store for free shipping, but decided to look at the clearance racks since I had a 30% coupon and they had a ton of stuff.  I actually haven't bought many clothes lately--not that I need to but sometimes it just makes me happy.  But lately I think my physical and mental blahs have just left me with little motivation and worries that no cute top can fix.  But first I found an amazing sale on a really cute sweater-hoodie-tunic that will work well with leggings, and then I found the cutest, softest hot pink sweater that fit perfectly.  I got both for $27 total and felt like my lack of buying other things made that purchase okay.  The hoodie is different and the sweater just screamed cheery and bright, which I need right now.  Considering I made it all the way through Kohl's with $5 Kohl's cash a couple weeks ago and found nothing, leading me to wonder what that meant about my mental state, this felt like a weird sort of victory to find things that made me happy.  After that it was home to watch the Super Bowl, which was still sort of depressing to not have the Bills there, but gladly featured an embarrassing performance by the Chiefs in a dominating Eagles win.  The Bills likely wouldn't have beat the Eagles with them playing like that, so maybe it's for the best.  But Josh Allen won the league MVP award, which was really amazing (mostly because his speech and a viewing of a video from the Children's Hospital showed what an amazing human he is), and all we can do is hope the Bills get the last piece or two to finally make it happen.

At the end of this week, we will hopefully have some good excitement--Valentine's Day, maybe a brief return to the court for Jacob (at his old school, no less--eek), Carter's actual birthday (let's hope his rogue Amazon gifts arrive), and our annual Strong Museum visit, complete with a Scooby-Doo exhibit!  So, perhaps my camera roll will come back to life after all...

Adulting at its Finest

I've shared here more than once that I swear something shifted in my brain back around the pandemic and I would bet that if I pushed it, I could get some sort of neurodivergent diagnosis.  I was a bit of an anxious kid about a number of different things including an assortment of typical fears--losing loved ones, fire, weather, being in front of crowds--and I have always felt a degree of social anxiety.  I was a procrastinator, a doodler, and a daydreamer.  So maybe I could have always gotten a diagnosis if we pushed it then, but I was a smart girl and therefore no one ever thought twice about it.  I've obviously learned a lot about neurodivergence with two ADHD kids and have seen a lot of those characteristics in myself, though maybe not to the degree that would warrant a diagnosis.  But since the pandemic, I feel like things shifted further.  I really began to struggle with typical adulting things, like calling for appointments or cleaning the house, and even dumb stuff like picking something to watch on TV or food to make for a party.  I spend way too much time with my phone simply disassociating, and have become increasingly unable to have music or the TV on while I'm working from home, which was never an issue before.  It could be pandemic stress left its mark on my brain, and more recently I started to assume early peri-menopause has been changing my brain further.

Then came the last seven months.  I don't know if it was the constant stream of worries or the lack of a resolution or a combination of all of the above, but I am convinced my brain chemistry has evolved even further.  So many things are more of a struggle than ever.  I'm okay, I promise.  I'm plugging along, but it's a lot some days.

Earlier this week it was becoming clear to me that I had to take some action.  The back pain I've been dealing with was really starting to get to me and was riling up this nasty case of health anxiety I've picked up over the last seven months.  It just didn't feel like "normal" back pain.  I'm used to back pain feeling like fatigue, a pulled muscle, or nerve jolts.  This felt more like someone had punched me in the back and I had a massive goose egg or bruise back there.  While it wasn't the easiest place to feel (partly because it was the middle of my back and partly because my left arm (while better) still has limited range), I couldn't feel much.  I put some heat on it Tuesday while I worked and hoped that would help, but it was so sore in the evening again.  I tried feeling it again while I was bent over putting on shoes and I swear I felt a tiny little nodule in there.  It was squishy and seemed to move, which told me it probably wasn't a tumor but could be some sort of tiny cyst irritating things.  I then moved away a bit from the tumor thought and wondered if it could be a bulging disc or something similar.  But with all the other little "off" things I've been noticing (including some unintentional weight loss that could be part of the anxiety), it definitely had my brain churning.  And it just didn't seem to be getting better.  

Thankfully, Wednesday it did feel better, which was a little weird since there was no clear reason why.  It gave me some peace of mind, but I was definitely going to see if my chiropractor could feel up my spine on Thursday to see if anything felt weird, which I did, and she didn't.  It's definitely better now, but still similar to how it felt before it really flared up.  Just keeping an eye on it.

Getting back to Tuesday, in the midst of the worst of it, I spent my lunch trying to address a lot of my nagging worries.  I made an eye appointment for Jacob so we can address a couple things that have been bugging him lately (I know, like we need another broken body part).  I made my annual physical appointment (not until July) because they had texted me to make it.  I finally got an overdue OB/GYN appointment after they pushed me off at the end of the year due to transitioning into the URMC system.  Luckily, that one is Monday so I don't have to wait long, and that will actually cross one more potential concern off my list if I get a clean bill of health there.  Bonus points if the provider I see has any peri-menopause words of wisdom.  I also--finally--called to start therapy.  I have been putting it off for months, and I finally did it.  And I got an appointment for the next day, no less.  I got to a point where I realized this anxiety isn't going away on its own.  I either have to take action to rule out the issues that are bugging me, or I have to see if there's a physical reason why this is happening.  It's entirely possible it's more of a chemical thing than simply just a bunch of worries.  The way it's gotten so automatic, the way the dread pops up at the most random times, the way it defaults to the worst-case scenario, the consistent sleep issues...it's hit a level far beyond anything I have ever experienced.  It also impacts Jacob and ramps him up when I can't control my own, so there was no doubt in my mind that it was time.

But imagine what a relief and victory it was to do all four of those calls in a lunch hour and check them all off my list.  Way too big for a grown adult, I suppose, but it felt important to start checking off things that are causing me anxiety in any way.  Oh, and I also filled out my colonoscopy paperwork that I've been putting off the weekend before.  They still haven't called me to set one up, though.  That and a couple of those other things are also important steps in eventually deciding whether I will be calling my regular doctor to push her to check me for more serious issues, if my body keeps doing weird things.  If things can get checked off the list, at least I'm covering as many bases as possible so she can't send me off to wait it out or check other things.  She's not the best with suspected hypochondriacs, so I need to cover my bases.

My first therapy appointment was...about what you'd expect, minus the couch.  What I didn't expect was to be on the verge of tears the entire time.  I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things we've gone through since last summer, and I even sort of talked it through with myself to think about what I might want to share, but I guess saying it all out loud was different.  My voice was shaky the entire time and it was a sobering reminder that it's been a rough stretch.  I told a lot of long stories of how I got here, and we even dug into a few things I didn't expect to.  I guess whatever I did talk about was enough to immediately make her think I will need the next step up.  Basically, I'm going through a work-provided program that offers five free sessions of therapy, meant to treat shorter-term issues.  Beyond that there's another program that's longer-term.  I'll have to pay for it until we hit our deductible, but I genuinely feel like I don't have a choice at this point.  She seemed to think I have enough to unpack that I made my appointment for that other program that day.  Oh, and there's another one the following week for a medication evaluation, so I'm curious to see how that goes.  I don't love the idea of medicating, but I know enough people who do and if it's the best thing to help me, that's fine.  But maybe we try something like magnesium first?  

I realized this weekend that my anxiety may be impacting me more than I thought.  I know all the typical ways it's affecting me on a daily basis, but I had a realization that it might be more seriously affecting my decision-making abilities in a way I didn't even notice.  On Friday night, Jacob had a basketball game about 90 minutes away.  The weather was going to be terrible and they were going to lose, so he was fine with just taking the team bus and having Carter and me stay home (Craig was in Philadelphia).  Carter and I were trying to figure out dinner, but he kept not having good answers about what he wanted because he was engrossed in his phone, and I was just feeling sort of meh about everything so I wasn't really pushing it.  But the more I thought about going anywhere, the more my nervousness flared up, for no apparent reason.  I mean, I know the weather was bad, but it was to the point that none of the food sounded good at all.  I feel like I've had this issue--both the nervousness about going out anywhere and the issue of food not appealing to me--for weeks.  I think it's been contributing to my weight loss, but it's hard to tell.  But that night, we just couldn't come to a solution--especially when it seemed like the best timing would involve us eating out en route to get Jacob--and I was really getting frustrated with myself and feeling bad for Carter.  I just felt stuck because nothing he wanted sounded good, and we were now running out of time.  I realized later that it was possible that those anxious feelings seem to crop up most when I have decisions to make and no clear path.  My appetite has been down, and some of that might just be a lack of good snacks in the house, but truthfully, it's not every meal--it's mostly just the ones where I have to make a decision.  Same thing if I have to make dinner and I'm afraid that Jacob and his spotty appetite won't like it, because I don't want to make his issues worse either.  Appetite and weight have been worries of his in recent months, too, most especially since his surgery.  It's like all the struggles I've had--worrying about feeding Jacob something he'll like and won't cause him an aversion, being overwhelmed with worries for him and myself, and maybe even to some degree my nervousness with driving places since my accident--have all culminated in my brain going into fight-or-flight mode for something as simple as picking dinner.  It seems extreme, but it sort of makes sense.  But it just added credence to the idea that my brain chemistry has officially gone off the deep end a bit, because this is clearly an overreaction to a small issue.  Those things just feel so much more overwhelming now, and I don't know why.  So, at least I'm on track to work through that.  The rest of my physical stuff will be more of a process, but the key is just sticking with it, getting things checked where I can, and ultimately seeing if (much like I suspected with Jacob) the stress could be causing a few of my physical symptoms as well.  But at least I'm trying.

On the bright side, Jacob seems to be in slightly better spirits these days.  It seemed like his cleanout may have improved some of his reflux and stomach issues.  His fatigue has improved a bit, as well.  His leg is getting stronger by the day, and he's really encouraged by it.  He still has some discomfort when he works it out hard, but he is getting more confident now that he's well past the month mark.  He's targeting mid-month to get back to playing in games, which would pretty much be a game against his old school and any sectional games.  There's a chance they could pull off the first one with him playing and earn a second one, but I guess we'll see.  He still has a couple worries (including the one that spawned the eye exam), but we're getting there.  He did start feeling like he might be getting a cold this weekend, and that started worrying him a little all over again because previous random viruses have jumpstarted the random symptoms multiple times in the past.  This time of year it's almost inevitable, but we'll cross our fingers.  We also met with his school last week to address some of his concerns and hopefully make him feel a bit more heard moving forward.  He still wants to switch schools, but it might get him through this year a bit easier.

Mentally it was also another tough week thanks to a constant stream of discouraging news.  There was a plane crash into the Potomac River that killed 67 people, the first US commercial fatalities since the plane that crashed in Buffalo in 2009.  Craig was uncharacteristically nervous about traveling this weekend (and ended up having a really bad flight with turbulence and a sick seatmate), and it struck me how lucky we've been to have such a long stretch without crashes.  I used to be really nervous when he traveled, and I guess that was able to fade as air travel felt so much safer over these last 15 years.  The crash was really horrible and so tragic, as it notably killed a bunch of young US Figure Skating prospects and their families and coaches.  Then, the night Craig got to Philadelphia, there was a small Learjet crash right in Philly.  It was a medical plane that went down in a busy area, right near a mall and a ton of dense residential housing.  Six people died on the plane and one on the ground, with a lot of residential and car fires around it.  Again, so tragic.  And, of course, the political realm just gets more bizarre by the day.  Trump has started trade wars with Canada and Mexico, there was almost a shutdown of endless government program funding (pending "further review") until a judge blocked it, government agencies are forbidden from celebrating DEI-related holidays, pronouns must come out of email signatures, trans people are watching their rights evaporate, there's legislation deeming the inaugural prayer service sermon a "distorted" message (even though it was quite biblical, just a bit convicting), and another piece of legislation is threatening criminal charges for politicians that vote for immigration policies that are contrary to Trump's.  Like, what dystopian world are we living in right now?  Every day there's something weirder and more outrageous.

Another week is upon us and I have three appointments that will inevitably make it go pretty quick, as well as planning for Carter's birthday party next weekend, which is also Craig's first weekend off since November.  After that it's one more full week of school and work, and then we'll be on to (maybe) Jacob's return to the court, Carter's birthday, our annual Strong Museum visit, and February break.  I keep hoping a busy month of things will make spring get here faster (as snow continues to pile up every couple days), but as we all know, spring takes its time no matter what.  I need some things to look forward to, so I'm hoping those will fit the bill for now.  Day by day, right?