Time-Life-Music

First of all, I'm okay.

My mammogram and ultrasound got an all-clear.  I'm relieved and grateful, of course, but just because it didn't show anything doesn't mean that the issues I've been having will magically go away.  It simply means I have a bit of a project on my hands to determine what's causing the discomfort.  My OB/GYN is putting me off until their transition into our local medical center's system, but I may have to push it a bit.  Obviously my hormones are off and I need to figure out how that plays into birth control and peri-menopause.  Getting older sucks.  The peace of mind is helpful, but sadly the all-clear doesn't mean everything is fine.  But I appreciate that maybe my anxiety can take a little break, enough to reduce whatever "stress enhancement" my symptoms were getting before.  I did feel a little better today overall, even if there was one particular spot that was more sore.

Second of all, this blog title was on purpose, an ode to a once-prolific company that plastered commercials for classic compilation albums all over our TVs in the 80s and 90s.  But when I realized those three words matched the elements of what I was talking about in this one, I couldn't resist.

Anyway, I was probably overdue for this, but I got emotional twice on Monday after I got the all-clear.  Once was on my way home.  I heard the song "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister, and it just took me right back to the 80s.  It's such a distinctive song that I strongly associate with my childhood.  It made me cry because it hearkened back to a simpler time.  In this season of life where everything has felt so heavy, I'm desperately fantasizing about escaping to another time and place where I could just be free of that kind of weight for a while.  Being a kid was such a pure time, and that song somehow just brought it all back.

The second time was on my way back from Wegmans in the evening.  The song Cecilia came on the radio.  That song is so strongly associated with a fun memory from college.  My first semester, Mary and I would listen to the oldies station as we studied in the evenings, and for whatever reason we'd try to get them to play Cecilia by Simon & Garfunkel.  They would never do it, until the night we had one of the two non-traditional students in our dorm, an older hippie of a guy named John Mark, call in.  We think he made some thinly-veiled threat...but it worked!  It was such a victorious moment.  Hearing the song just made me wish I could be 18 again, sitting in that dorm room where my biggest issue was a tough paper or long exam week coming up.  The mere thought of that was so glorious and freeing, and it seems so far away from where I am now.  I miss it for what it was, because it was great, but I mostly just miss not having the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I love my family so much, but with big love comes big worries, and I think there's such a perfect storm right now--concerns with the direction of the world, on top of whatever COVID stress did, compiled with any financial, health, or general life worries we might have at the moment.  It's just feeling like SO much lately.

I've been thinking a lot lately about memories and the passage of time because my car came with a free trial of Sirius XM.  Craig has had it in his van for years, but it's not often I have full control over it, so this has been a new experience.  My CD project, is done, by the way.  It only took about 2-1/2 weeks and that was only with periodic work on it (but including a couple marathon sessions).  Pretty painless aside from my computer periodically dropping the CD burner, involving a restart or two every time.  I've missed my music, and I don't love that I'm constantly flipping between channels, but Sirius has been an interesting replacement in the meantime.  It's definitely got me thinking and reminiscing.  

For one, the decade stations are fascinating.  I love trying to guess what year something came out because so often there's something I can associate with it.  If it's earlier in the 80s, it's typically something I listened to from the back seat of my parents' car.  If it's the late 80s, it often reminds me of my first boyfriend or the time period where I really started listening to music on the radio, especially the Top 40 countdowns (Casey Kasem, Rick Dees, you name it).  If it's the early-to-mid-90s, it's likely there's some coming-of-age or high school association in there somewhere.  The late 90s was definitely college, in particular because we listened to a lot of radio early on before our Christian music collections took over.  Things trail off after that, but there are still associations with my time in sports or other isolated memories or moments in time.  Certain songs pull me right back.  My phone music does that as well--almost every song on one of my playlists is there for a very specific reason--but it's been interesting opening up a whole new section of the ol' memory bank with the Sirius music.

It's been a vivid reminder of how rich my life has been, that so many songs have such a direct association to a lifetime of memories.  It's sort of shocking how many lyrics I can remember or how many people or places hold such funny little spots in my brain.  I think as we go through our 20s and even our 30s, those song associations are cool and always bring back good memories.  But then you get caught up in life for a while due to parenting or work, and when you suddenly come out the other end of the fog, suddenly you're...old.  Not in a bad way, I guess, but it becomes clear you've lived a lot of life compared to some people.  I may not feel 15-20 years older than some of my colleagues, but I am.  It's sobering.  Suddenly you're looking at so much through the rear view mirror, and it's sort of shocking. I see pictures of my 20-something, young married self, and while I know I'm such a different person than I was then, a part of me can't seem to process how far removed I truly am from that.  It's like me looking at photo albums of my newly married parents when I was Carter's age and thinking how much older my parents seemed.  It's the same difference now for me.  I swear this core phase of life has just evaporated--I went from young to "old", just like that.  When you realize you're at an age where your parents were when you noticed them starting to age, it's an eye-opener.  Of course, when my mom was 46, I was already off at college, and my brother was off into the world, so maybe that made 46 seem so much older.  I guess I'm cool having my kids where I do--empty nest life would be interesting but I sort of like where we're at--but it's bizarre to think how much different my parents' life was at my age.  I look at all my aunts and uncles and realize how my "peak" memories of childhood were from them at ages much younger than even I am now.  And don't even get me started with them and my parents being the ages my grandparents were when they were legitimately old.  Yes, how we age has certainly evolved so they are clearly different than my grandparents were at the same ages (I think, anyway), but funny how time and perspective can change how you see things.  I'm so grateful for such a rich life experience as far as family--from the one I grew up in to the one I have now, and all the extended family time along the way.  It's been special, even if I'm becoming keenly aware that it's starting its decline.

But after these weeks with the satellite radio, I really appreciate even more how our lives can have soundtracks if we let them.  My phone music, my CD collection, and the Sirius songs all hold different, fun nuggets that make me grateful for the life I've lived and also a little sad so much has gone by.  Later this week I'll take a break, though, and Christmas music (primarily my CDSs) will be on tap for another month.  The holiday, music and beyond, holds so many memories itself.  There will likely be a few more car tears, and lots more reminders of all the memories I've carried with me from 40+ years of Christmas mornings, family gatherings, school activities, church services, and lots of traditions.  I'm a lucky girl, even if my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise these days. 

News and Notes, Pre-Thanksgiving Slog Edition

I haven't been particularly inspired to write this week.  It's been a complete slog.  I've only taken 22 pictures the entire month of November, and about a third of them have been utilitarian things--like pictures of a nasty bite Craig got on his back that he could feel but not see, and instructions for a Sunday School craft project Carter didn't finish, among other things.  To say it has been not-my-favorite month would be an understatement.  Any good weather we've had lately I've either been stuck at work or otherwise unavailable to enjoy.  Cold weather is officially on the way, too, so my comfortable-ish walking days are even more numbered than what the chill, rain, and darkness had already begun to limit.  Near the end of the week it was beautifully snowing almost everywhere else from the midwest to the south, but not here...just lots of rain.  Overall, this week was about what I would expect for the last full week before Thanksgiving--long, dreary, and a bit frustrating. 

I had a close call with my car earlier in the week that reignited my anxiety in a big way--everything is (mostly) fine but it just really bugged me because I've been so nervous and trying to be so careful, and yet had this close call anyway.  It was just a fluke thing, but most of my anxiety rests in how little control I actually have over many things (including my own abilities sometimes), so that just added to it.  I'm managing, but that is NOT what I needed this week.

We've also had another round of health mysteries, which has just ratcheted things up even more.  Jacob was convinced he had pneumonia earlier in the week.  He was a little congested and was having chills (and maybe sweats), possibly a little gastro issue in there, and then got some chest pain while he was working out.  But it was on the side of his chest which is really more of a lung area than a cardiac area, and we know his heart got the full seal of approval from the cardiologist a couple months ago, so we weren't really worried about that.  It was happening more as he breathed, which made him think lung.  There's also a kid on his team that has been hacking for weeks, but more than likely never got anything diagnosed.  But Jacob didn't have a fever and wasn't really coughing the way I figured he should.  He also wasn't dead tired like most people with pneumonia are, although he was a bit fatigued.  I don't think he's sleeping well, for starters, and we all know how that messes things up for a growing athlete.  He's also struggling with food--either not knowing what to eat, or not being in the mood for certain things, or having his reflux bug him to the point he doesn't feel like eating.  I also think he's starting to get back into more real activity now that basketball is officially starting, and I think maybe he's just more out of shape than he thought.  But it's hard to say.  Pneumonia is around, for sure, but I didn't think that's what it was and when Jacob was frustrated that I was not wanting to take him to the pediatric urgent care the other night, I told him it would be the same thing as when we went over the summer--probably a virus so just wait it out.  We ended up going to the pediatrician Thursday, as usual more for peace of mind than anything.  I only relented because I did see that feeling cold could be a walking pneumonia thing, and a lot of sites said that most people don't realize they have it and just think they have a cold.  But that visit ended up feeling like a total debacle because Jacob was downplaying his symptoms more than he was to us (he said the pain was lingering the other night, but told her it was just when he was working out) and in the end she was super focused on the cardiac aspect, probably because the rest of the exam didn't paint any sort of compelling case on the pneumonia end.  They did an EKG which was fine, but he was mildly panicked they'd pull him out of basketball if there was any question.  They basically left it at "probably a virus, test for COVID as that can have cardiac effects, and if anything more happens follow up with the cardiologist."  Great.  So now we wait to see if he has another spike in his weird other symptoms like has happened in the past after these minor cold viruses.  His reflux was really bad the other night but then I realized he ran out of his reflux meds sometime this week, so that may have contributed.  

I haven't been feeling 100% either.  I've had issues with breast cysts in the past--nothing notable but I know they're there and they see them on my mammogram--and they've ramped up a bit again ahead of my annual imaging, just like they did last year.  This year I have more soreness than I'm comfortable with, so I'm getting a little nervous.  I have a friend whose wife is in the process of being biopsied for breast lumps, and a high school classmate of mine just got diagnosed with colon cancer, so of course those reality checks haven't helped matters.  Odds are small, sure, but something is likely going on to flare things up like this, and as I've said before, when you see other people get bad news, you come to the realization that there's no reason it couldn't be you.  I wore a far less structured bra for a couple days, which seemed to help a little.  I know peri-menopause could also be starting to wreak some havoc, but I'm still on birth control (that's another issue for another day) so in theory that should be keeping things at bay.  But perhaps I'd hate to see what would be happening without it?  Regardless, I guess I'll know more on Monday.  

Craig was gone again for part of this weekend, but things were otherwise pretty quiet so I was trying to think through what I could get done this weekend that would take some of the load off of the holiday season.  I'm sort of the same way at work.  I have a crushing amount of work this coming week and into the first week of December, so I spent my Friday work day trying to think through anything that I could do now, without creating more work for myself later because things might change too much if I'm too early.  The holiday planning is much the same.  I have barely even thought about Christmas lists even though there have been years where Thanksgiving fell today or even a couple days earlier.  I brought up our little tree and assembled it this weekend, and on Sunday ended up doing the same with our big tree.  I had some new figuring out to do with furniture this year since we rearranged things a while back.  I had to move a chair to the basement and see if our recliner would fit in the corner with the shelf I moved there in the spring.  I wanted to keep the shelf for decor purposes, but really didn't want to move it again.  Thankfully it did.  It's a little crowded but it works, and I can actually see the TV better than with the old setup.  Getting that all out of the way ensures next weekend is purely decorating and not complete reorganizing, which is a big help mentally.  It's still going to be exhausting, but it will be better.  If I get really eager this week, maybe I'll even put the fall stuff away before we leave for the holiday.  I'll hate doing it, but future me will thank me.

I had a couple food things I wanted to accomplish this weekend (the kids have been asking for churros, for starters--still hoping for this evening), but on weekends I really am valuing my own down time lately.  I should get another book, I want to keep moving on my CD project (probably 3/5 done, just F-M left to go!), and I'd love to get back to my earring making, too.  I'm still working on my physical therapy, too.  It's gotten me to a point where it's probably 85% functional for normal life--I can reach and stretch mostly without pain, but it sounds like I might never get back to being able to do certain exercises like push-ups or shoulder presses, so that's a bit of a bummer because I hate doing workouts only to get to exercises I can't do.  And shoulder presses are probably one of my favorites.  Boo.  It's just a degenerative thing so it may never be what it once was, even though I have no idea what did it in the first place.  But at least it's getting better.  Although my other shoulder started with a little twinge this weekend, so I think I'm just doomed right into old age now.  Otherwise, I've been pleasantly productive with a touch of most of the above, plus a ton of laundry and other general cleaning and organizing to maintain my sanity.  Oh, and I found a relatively helpful technique for my sleeping issues.  I thought they were getting better once the car stress died down, but this week's stress started them back up again.  I read a suggestion to start rattling off words that start with a certain letter--just make your brain come up with 3-4 words per letter and then switch.  It's just enough to keep your brain engaged with something that's not the stress, but not interesting enough that you don't get crazy bored quickly and fall back to sleep.  I definitely still felt myself almost drifting into a couple tangents, but overall I think it worked better.  I'm also borrowing Carter's weighted blanket to see if that helps.

Anyway, I sort of can't believe we're back to the holiday season again.  Seems like I was just putting everything away.  This year was another time warp for sure, between the boys' sports, the Dominican trip, Jacob's health stuff and injuries, and all the other random things that marked the progression of the year.  I look at pictures from early this year and can't believe that was almost a year ago now.  I'm going into this season much more on edge than I'd like and I'm hoping I can hold up the way I want to.  I feel like we're sort of getting to a point in life where our "normal" holidays are officially limited.  Family members are getting older, the kids are growing up, and things are bound to change more than we'd like very soon.  That's why those COVID and blizzard Christmases sucked even more than they would have anyway, because time is ticking away and any normalcy we can get is precious.  I know that sounds like such a Debbie Downer thing to say, but let's just say positivity hasn't been my strong suit for the last six months or so, and I hate to see it spread to the holidays.  Part of me just needs a freaking break, you know?  It's all been a lot, and I hate living life to any less than its fullest.  Living in the shadow of the unknown is so hard for me, and right now it just feels like there's a lot.  But I'm trying, I promise.

Dull-Drums

So, here we are, in the thick of the dull part of November.  The weather is doing its part to make it pretty blah--not that we haven't had nice days, but we've had a fair amount of clouds, some rain (which was technically much needed for most areas around us that are in drought, but it's still a bummer when it happens), and some wind that has knocked a good number of leaves down at this point.  There are still some trees hanging in there, but we're definitely on the downside of fall.  We're getting into the time of year where walks are a bit fewer and farther between, not just because of weather but because of the pre-5pm sunset.  It's definitely not my favorite, but I'm trying to savor the turkey and pumpkin decor and hold on to my last shred of non-panic before the holiday rush sets in.

The election is over and Trump won handily.  That has set off a whole wave of emotions from a bunch of people.  A lot of people are just shattered and have lost faith in their fellow man.  Others are simply worried.  Obviously there's the set of triumphant folks as well.  Some have been pleasant enough but I don't think they truly realize why half of their neighbors are upset.  They just think they did the only patriotic choice, not realizing that Republican policies could limit parts of their neighbors' lives and potentially do them harm as well.  I've seen instances (second hand, mostly) of people only now realizing that tariffs will be passed to consumers and Trump really does want to do things like cut Medicare, Social Security, and the Department of Education, among other things.  There's been a lot of "Oh, he can't do that", but given certain government structures right now (including Supreme Court-given immunity for crimes done while president), it seems like nothing is off the table.  Either people really didn't listen, or they just think the end will justify the (painful) means.  I've found the Threads app to be full of people like me, ones who feel abandoned by Christianity because it has embraced a sexual assaulter felon fraudster as their leader.  We wonder what happened to the basic Christian tenets we learned as kids, how people so easily ignore calls to care for the poor, welcome the immigrant, and simply love one another.  They supported a platform opposite this that was based on a couple specific issues that have religious implications but also happen to marginalize other groups (namely women and LGBTQ folks) in the process.  But Trump's long list of transgressions and obvious character flaws don't seem to overrule those couple key issues, and I've even seen memes comparing him to a similarly-sketchy-at-times King David (who, by the way, was not sketchy was he was called to be king and also had a prophet named Nathan calling him out on his faults).  We're all sinful, but character DOES matter.  I think most of us try to be good people, and I get a strong sense that he's only trying for what benefits him.  I essentially don't begrudge Republicans for most of their policy decisions (even if I don't like them)--Lord knows the economy is a mess--but placing them on such a miserable excuse for a human and claiming him as the God-anointed choice is just mind-boggling to me.  I think all of the things claiming that God's will was done and he was the answer to prayer feel like the final daggers, because that kind of talk belittles the concerns of the other side and ignores that sometimes God lets our ungodly free will win out.  Israel wanted a king even though God said it would be bad for them, so I guess time will tell if history is repeating itself.

Jacob and I had a full-on screaming match (tearful for me) a couple days later because his own brand of evangelism and Christianity is so narrow and too black and white for the gray world we live in.  I know God has certain standards and those don't change, but at the same time, we have to have some grace for our fellow humans and understand their perspective can be very different.  My personal thing is that if I don't understand what it's like to walk in their shoes, it's maybe not my place to judge them on where they stand in their faith.  For example, if there's a gay Christian out there, if they have come to a place where their faith works for them, that's between them and God and it's not my place to make it complicated.  We are supposed to encourage fellow believers to avoid sin, sure, but that scenario in particular is a complicated one to me so I need to let it go and assume God knows their heart and has it covered.  And we can't go forcing our faith or rules on non-believers.  No one wants more rules in their lives, especially ones that are pushed, so that's not really the best route to take.  That's why we lead with love and show the good parts of our faith first, so they know there's a benefit that could encourage them to explore further.  But Jacob is super focused on wanting to point out faults and help them "bear good fruit", which I get, but from most of what I've ever learned, that needs to be a later step in the process.  If the ultimate goal is to save the most souls, I believe we need to prioritize the positives first.  Jacob desperately wants to save souls but is a little misguided on what that should look like to realistically be successful.  And I guess things just got a bit out of hand when I tried to explain to him why I believe the things I believe, based on life experiences he hasn't had yet.  He was very dismissive of my brand of faith, which annoys me because the gospel is the most important part and ultimately a lot of these smaller issues won't be deal-breakers if God is as merciful as we think.  If they are deal-breakers, then the gate to heaven is much, much smaller than we've thought.  But why focus on those when the core message is what matters?  Life experience informs all of our journeys, and his just isn't very extensive yet.  My renewed faith as a college student was significantly more black and white, too, so I get it and just know that it can evolve.  My personal opinion is that if your faith hasn't evolved or been challenged, you haven't met enough people or read enough stories from people whose faith has been impacted by some important life roadblock.  I just want him to hear my advice and consider that calling out someone's sin shouldn't be more important than just showing them Christian love first.  Anyway, it's complicated and sometimes feels like my faith is failing because others claim it is now heretical...even though it's probably more focused on the central core message than ever.  Sigh.

My general anxiety has eased a bit, but it's still there.  Driving has gotten a bit easier, but I still have random bouts of baseless angst out of nowhere.  Weird things trigger odd existential dread for no apparent reason.  Some of the super irrational thinking has died down, but once in a while it creeps back in.  The health things have chilled a bit, but there's still an undercurrent of things that could be happening, like how quickly Carter's skin issues around his mouth came back without treatment, or what it means when Jacob's headaches come back, or my mammogram next week.  Jacob has decided to get his leg plate and screws out in the spring, after his high school season.  It will impact his spring travel season, but it seems to be the last thing to try to get his shin discomfort to stop.  He saw a new doctor that confirmed that probably the most logical next step because we've tried everything else.  Apparently it's not too terrible a recovery, and he would do it tomorrow if he could without ruining his high school season.  I know it's a much-needed means to an end for him.  He's convinced it will work--and I sure hope it will--but I never underestimate anesthesia or being cut open, so I'm a bit less excited than him.  While it's supposed to be pretty straightforward, it's still unnerving.

Adding to my mental load last week, I had a little weird blip on Friday when I found out that the guy who was my most serious relationship outside of Craig had passed away.  He was friends with Craig as well back then, and he ended up feeling really betrayed when he found out we were dating after he moved away.  Some not-nice things (and vague threats) were said, so it always made me a little nervous knowing he came back to town once in a while to visit friends, on the off-chance something would have ever snapped at the wrong time since impulsive anger had been a trademark of his.  A few years ago he randomly reached out to Craig to make peace.  We accepted the apology but stopped short of allowing Facebook friendship or anything like that, just to be safe.  I assumed at the time that it was part of AA or some life realization after he got divorced.  His death came as a shock (found out through a mutual friend's Facebook post), but it looks like he had been sick for a while based on his recent pictures (but maybe not back as far as when he reached out). I'm sad for him--he was obviously far too young.  He had strong friendships with his frat brothers but had a complicated family situation.  His mom died young and his relationship with his father had been strained.  I'm mostly sad for his sister and her kids.  It caught me a bit off-guard to realize that someone who had a significant role in my life was no longer alive.  Obviously the whole situation was complicated, but it was mostly his doing that I got my Amerks job in the first place, and he's still the only reason I've ever been to New York City.  That was a long time ago, though, and while there clearly wasn't a place for him in our life now, there's this odd mix of guilt and loss--yet also the conspicuous absence of loss considering the short but significant role he played, if that makes any sense.  Like, given the role he played at one point, it feels like it should be a bigger deal, but obviously the 20+ years of almost no contact means it's not really my place to be upset either.  It's been strange--yet another round of awkward mourning like when my friend Pat died, but for very different reasons.

Otherwise we've just sort of been meandering through.  Carter rocked his first quarter grades with over a 99 average, and even won an award in social studies the other day.  He has done so well and I'm just incredibly proud and super impressed.  Jacob's grades weren't quite that high, but they were fine considering all the time he's missed for illnesses and appointments.  He seems to have settled into a better groove at school now.  Still tired in the mornings and still frustrated by some of his teachers and classmates, but he is in a better place with his basketball teammates and that's bringing him some joy that hadn't been there previously.  Hopefully that gets him through the year until we can figure out another solution for next year.  I've been seeing some bursts of extra maturity from him lately, which is nice but also a bit mind-boggling.  Of course, I wish it would manifest in something like taking care of his messes, but I'm glad it's there for other things.  We just passed the 17-year anniversary of the day I discovered I was pregnant with him, which is sort of mind-boggling.  Oh, that dark rainy night when I ran around to a couple dollar stores looking for cheap pregnancy tests just to rule it out before I called my doctor to complain about the Clomid not working and to suggest that maybe something else was wrong because I was just so darn tired after a busy weekend that I couldn't seem to recover from.  That was quite the surprise and life has kept me on my toes ever since.  I mentioned to two work colleagues the other day that I've been blogging since I got pregnant with Jacob and surprised myself when I realized that means I've been doing this for over 17 years.  That's a long time to commit to anything, and while it was mostly by accident and is (mostly) just for me now, it's still pretty impressive.  I've been thinking a lot about time lately, so I expect a blog post to spawn from that soon enough.  

For myself, now that Walktober is over, I'm just trying to walk or work out when I can and be as productive as possible while things are a bit quieter.  Craig has started his season so he's been gone a lot for weekend and evening practices in Canada, and will be for the rest of the month before games start after Thanksgiving.  He has something like 10 straight weekends after that with games, so it's going to be a long haul.  With him still gone last Sunday, I opted for a rather relaxing afternoon alone.  It was rainy, and there was no need for me to sit and watch the boys play Fortnite in the living room.  I just gave myself permission to chill alone in my room with a glass of wine, Young Sheldon Season 7, and my CD conversion project, which is nearing half done.  Sometimes you just need that solitude.  Hoping for a bit more of that this weekend, too.

My physical therapy just started its third week, and it seems to be working.  My range of motion is getting better, and I'm starting strength exercises now.  I can actually stretch and reach a bit more without pain when I forget (darn left-handedness), which is a huge step.  I want it to the point where I can lift weights and do workouts again, but regular life functionality feels like a big upgrade.  I'm still shocked at how bad my range of motion got since I don't even know what caused this, but I'm happy all of the stretching I'm doing is working.

I took a mental health vacation day today--although I did work a couple hours just to keep things moving--because I've just been feeling kind of mentally tired and craving down time.  I think a lot of it is all that's been going on over the last five months.  Being on edge for one reason or another for the vast majority of that time has been a lot and I think maybe some of the adrenaline has worn off and my body isn't sure what to do.  Plus I'm recovering from six rough weeks of sleep.  I think the 4am wakeups are passing, finally.  Not perfectly, but I'm making it until closer to 5am most of the time now, and even then I'm able to fall back to sleep most of the time.  I think the ease of some of the car and kid stress has helped my brain not start churning immediately when I wake up.  Most nights I have some sort of really vivid dream right before I wake up, so that throws me off a bit sometimes.  The other night I had yet another vivid dream (at least the third, maybe fourth) about rebuying our old house.  Every time there's been some sort of interesting enhancement since we lived there, and every time there's a nice sense of feeling back "at home".  But in this most recent one I was having buyer's remorse at the end.  I remembered little things I didn't like.  I wondered if it was actually too small.  The boys were sharing a room (with a fireman theme?), which seemed weird.  I realized our Christmas tree may not fit in the living room.  But it was so vivid and so real--to the point I remember thinking in the dream that I remembered having the dream over and over again, and look, it actually happened now!  Like, what is up with that and why does my brain keep going back there?  I guess maybe that's a sign I'm getting good REM sleep?  So while a return to a more normal sleep pattern is probably helping, I think I'm still a little sleep-deprived and it'll take a bit to catch up.

So, dull as this time of year is, I guess we're finding ways to stay occupied.  But November is living up to the blah a bit this year and it's sort of a bummer.  But I'm currently stuck between "let's get this show on the road" and "nope, not ready for the holiday rush at ALL".  I should start planning for gift-buying and all of that now, but usually lists don't start coming in until Thanksgiving and that's a week later this year, which also makes me wonder if I should be doing some decorating early too.  I know some people are into that, but I am not.  I sometimes bring up my little tree and have even brought up the big one prior, just so it was one less thing to do once we got home, but decorating usually doesn't start until Friday.  I don't want to cheapen it by having it up too long, or "skip" Thanksgiving.  But the short season might be enough to push me over the edge by next weekend.  We'll see.  But for now I'm hoping another low-key weekend is ahead.  I need it.

Jacob's Revival and Decision Day

Jacob's relationship with religion and faith has always been a bit...complicated.  I can't say he was really ever into it as a little kid.  Sure, we did bedtime prayers and read Bible stories and books, and he went to Sunday School.  He barely tolerated church itself, but that was more about being a bit hyperactive than anything else.  We always had it around, but like everything else with Jacob, you could only push it so far before you could expect him to start pushing back.  So, we did what we could and left it at that.

Then he went to Bishop Kearney in 6th grade and he was bombarded with religion daily.  He didn't really enjoy his religion classes while he was there--he tolerated them, took in some nuggets of information, and spent some time pondering his Catholic education in contrast to his mostly Protestant upbringing.  During that time he started on his Confirmation studies, and that was a bit of a struggle.  During the early part, pre-pandemic, he never really seemed to settle in with that group at church, despite going to Sunday School with them for years.  He always felt like a bit of an outsider because a lot of the kids felt really conservative and he was into hip hop and generally an overall different vibe at the time.  We really had to push through his studies, especially once the pandemic hit and a lot of it had to be done independently at home, rather than in a group.  He's not usually into ceremonial stuff, so some of the steps he had to go through to be confirmed felt a bit forced.  He didn't always enjoy the community service aspect of it, and he really had to push through to make his posterboard that was on display for the Confirmation ceremony.  He got through it, though, and I was proud of him, even though I knew (from my own experience) that he probably didn't really grasp the significance at that point in his life.  I had intense instruction four days a week for two years (plus a lifetime in a Christian school), memorized endless Bible passages and catechism content, and nearly aced a 500-question test, so I was as prepared as possible, and yet I still don't know if I took it as seriously as I should have.  He had done far less with even less enthusiasm, so I was just happy we got through it.

Then he went to Northstar for a year.  Oddly, most of the time he felt like an outsider there too.  Politically he didn't fit in (people were still talking about how Trump had won!), and he definitely felt like a lot of his classmates were sheltered and immature.  I figured his religious instruction would be a bit more Bible-based and similar to what I was used to in college, but just recently he was talking about how they spent an entire year in one book (I think it was Acts), and he found that so odd and limiting.  He had to read this book called "The Pilgrim's Progress" which is really old, full of religious symbolism, and uses very old language.  I struggled to understand parts of it myself whenever he was looking for help on his homework.  He just wasn't that into it, even if he at least appreciated how prayer and faith could be a part of his basketball experience while he was there.

Then he went to his current school, and there's been a slow evolution ever since.  His politics have changed.  He stopped listening to hip hop.  He's frustrated by his classmates and their behavior, but for entirely different reasons than before.  We were hoping a diverse school would be a positive (though probably challenging) experience, but it's actually sort of had the opposite effect.  He's essentially seen every stereotype and every right wing talking point pretty much come to life before his eyes--the lack of good parenting, the entitlement, the unwillingness to go the extra mile to break the cycle, the tendency to have brand-name things but then complain about not having money, the effect of pot use, the complete lack of respect.  It has soured him on a lot of diversity-related things and changed his perspectives completely.  It's not that he likes Trump, but if he had a vote it would not be going to the democrats right now.  With all of this has come a lot of perspectives that I, a somewhat reformed registered Republican and somewhat disenchanted Christian, am struggling with.  He watches a lot of YouTube videos by so-called Christian (or Christian-adjacent) personalities that can be really demeaning to certain groups.  He doesn't think Christian Nationalism is a bad thing because the country needs more Christ-like behavior.  He's less tolerant of certain groups than I would like.  That part has been a struggle because I was once in those places and I have learned that they can be problematic.  My views have evolved thanks to real people I have met, stories I have heard, and seeing how certain things can be hypocritical and/or used more as control devices than anything else.  I understand a lot of groups have taken things too far, and now we're in this battle of the extremes, where none of them are particularly good or helpful.  

Like abortion--as a Christian, yes, abortion is not a good thing, it's tragic and indeed it is a form of murder.  BUT the way a lot of the laws have come through, it limits what many doctors feel they can do for pregnant women in distress without prosecution, which can be deadly, and it takes away a woman's right to decide how she needs to handle a serious medical situation, which is in most cases a tragic outcome for a much-wanted baby.  I don't like the idea of using abortion as birth control, obviously, but I also can't tell a woman who perhaps made an unfortunate mistake that she needs to go through childbirth just so she can give that baby up to someone else.  If she makes that choice, that's amazing, but that's not MY choice to make for her.  Having given birth twice, you both understand how amazing and precious babies are, and also what a major sacrifice it is.  As much as I want women to make the right choices, it's still not my place to force something on them.  Not to mention that one party seeks to limit other options for avoiding abortion, including birth control and social services that could make raising a child easier and less of a major financial burden (starting from medical costs and continuing right through how to afford that child once they're born--it's truly astronomical these days).  So, I'd prefer we all look at it from a broader picture and consider how we can save the most lives (including the mother's) and not just be pro-birth--let's look at prevention and post-birth assistance as well to be truly pro-life and pro-quality-of-life.  But neither side is ready to meet in the middle on this.

I feel like so many of these issues should have common sense middle grounds that would serve the largest population of people, but our politics have gotten so extreme that no compromise is acceptable.  I'm frustrated by how Christian Nationalists want to push religion on to others that don't share their faith.  Could this country be a better place if we followed the old WWJD mentality?  I mean, sure, but honestly the way Christians treat immigrants, the poor, LGBTQ people, and other groups right now doesn't seem Christ-like to me in the first place.  If we all treated others with the love of Jesus first, far before any sort of judgment, that would go a long way.  But instead we focus on pushing things like Bibles and the 10 Commandments in public school, or the use of "Merry Christmas" to everyone always, or pushing religious-based laws on those who don't practice--it is just overbearing and rude and exclusionary in a multicultural society like ours.  Yes, the founders of this country were primarily Christian, but it wasn't meant to be a Christian nation from a governing perspective.  Religious freedom was one of the main reasons this country even exists.  I suppose our founders didn't foresee quite the melting pot we've ended up with, so I don't know how they'd feel about where we are now, but I think the active steps toward separation of church and state say a lot.  We've seen what a theocracy looks like in the Middle East, and it's not great.  We wouldn't want those beliefs pushed on us, so why should we be pushing our beliefs on people that don't share them?  And for the record, there's a difference between pushing those beliefs and sharing them in a polite, truly evangelistic manner.  And right now I feel like Christians are doing a terrible job at making Christianity look loving, friendly, and like something other people should want to be a part of.  If Trump wins, I worry about what that intoxicating power might evolve into further.

Anyway, Jacob is identifying with a lot of this stuff despite my efforts to explain why my beliefs have evolved and why my politics fall far more in the middle than they used to.  I see my trans friend struggling greatly right now within this climate, and gay people worried about what a Republican term might mean for their rights.  I know the economy stinks for everyone, but I'm not sure either side has a good plan for that.  I've seen a study that Trump's deficit contribution could be five times worse, and even Elon Musk admitted that the short term burden on the American people could be massive before it evens back out.  I worry in general about all these extremes, the childish and bullying rhetoric Trump has made commonplace, and whether the balance of true democratic socialism could ever exist even with a democratic win.  It's like everything needs to break completely before we can even begin to start rebuilding.  But that could get ugly, regardless of who wins today.  It's scary.

But anyway, it seems like spending most of his time in a mostly faithless place like his school has forced his beliefs out in full force as a defense mechanism.  He's pretty focused on saving his basketball teammates, and as much of the school as he can.  He's been writing Bible verses on the board, bringing his Bible to school, and having theological discussions any chance he can (often with his coach and one other teammate).  He's embraced his faith wholeheartedly.  As a college kid if you would have told me my teenager was like this, I would have been thrilled.  Now...I guess I'm happy but cautious?  I'm having to remind him to be polite, to not be overbearing, to not force something on people who may not want it.  I don't want his Muslim teammates feeling excluded.  In this climate, being an overzealous Christian can have some iffy connotations, and I don't want him actively turning people off and doing even more harm than good, regardless of his intentions.  I ordered a book for him that was a big one back in my college days that I think could have some good advice for him, and there's actually a really good seminar coming up at our church that I think would do him well if it works for his schedule.  Both teach how to work faith into natural conversation and not force it, which I think would really help his cause.  I feel like he's come into this passion quite suddenly and he's still a little rough around the edges, so I want him to be careful about how he does it.  He hasn't really had a good spiritual mentor--at least not one that's good on the evangelism part--and I know how hard it can be to find a good technique that doesn't drive people nuts, so I'm hoping the book can at least point him in the right direction.  I've tried to explain the importance of being genuinely interested in people, that it's so important to build a real relationship before going down that road in any meaningful way, because the moment people think they are being "used" for your evangelism, they will pull back.  It's more about living your life in a certain way, hopefully getting people interested in the "why", and once they express an interest, then maybe it's an opening for a next step.  No one wants to be your project, no one wants to be judged, and no one wants that judgment based on a standard that feel may not currently apply to them.  It's far more complicated than I think he realizes.  Oh, and he also wants to start a Bible study at his school.  I've actually tried to do that stuff and know how hard it can be, so I think he really needs some guidance on that...yet he refuses to use a Bible with notes or study guides (like his FCA Bible from his lacrosse days).  He's asked for a Bible with a different translation, and he also wants a copy of that much-dreaded "Pilgrim's Progress" book for Christmas.  Like, who even are you?

Oh, and he was also really upset when he realized that the one Bible study currently at his school was actually a group of Black Jews, which is a group that believes they descended directly from the Israelites.  They would not let him in, though, and apparently some faction of them out them in the world is technically considered a racist hate group because of how exclusive they are.  He felt very upset and betrayed by that.  I've told him he should try to reconnect with our church youth group if he's getting that desperate for Christian friends.

Anyway, all of this comes at a rough time because my beliefs feel very torn and somewhat attacked by the current political climate.  Almost any church you ask at least insinuates you should be voting Republican, but I'm stuck in perpetual voting hell right now because neither candidate is even remotely in line with what I would want.  Democrats actually do a better job with social programs that line up with how Jesus would have treated people, but obviously abortion is a big no.  Kamala Harris is far from an exemplary spiritual figure, but Trump as the leader of the Christian Evangelicals is laughable if the thought of it didn't make me so sick.  The man's moral record is beyond abysmal and yet people say he was anointed by God?  It's like some twisted alternate reality where "Do as I say and not as I do" is just blindly accepted.  Are these the same people that called for impeachment because a sitting president cheated on his wife, that now ignore multiple instances of cheating, assault, fraud and countless lies?  It's so bizarre.  I'm not saying Republican values aren't important to Christians, but how can we have this be the guy to represent them?  Power is such a persuasive thing, I guess.

I'm disgusted by Trump and could never vote for him, but I'm also not thrilled by the other side and in fact did not place a vote for either candidate for personal reasons.  It's a luxury to be in New York and vote (or not) on principle--it would be different in a battleground state.  I know people say that not voting means I can't complain, but I am not happy with either candidate at all so I can complain both sides should have done better with candidate selection.  I did vote for a lot of Republicans locally, but the big ones where I was hoping for change lost.  There was a major proposition on the ballot that was put there to secure abortion rights if the national landscape gets funky, but it was twisted into being about trans sports and trans kid health care, so it got a lot of negative press here.  Apparently New York City carried it because it won by a landslide despite so much negative press here.  I never saw a "yes" sign in a yard, but it won handily anyway.  I didn't particularly like how vague it was, though, and would have preferred a better rewrite.  I'm essentially sick either way--I don't believe either side has a plan to stem rising costs, I honestly don't want to listen to Republicans complain incessantly for another four years, but I also fear for what parts of Project 2025 could come to pass.  I worry about repeat violence if Trump loses again.  But Trump is a freaking felon and shouldn't even have been able to vote for himself, and the culture of hate and power trips that punctuated his last term will be devastating to live through again for so many people.  And on a more personal note, I worry about my dad's well-being because he's taking this seriously personally.  I honestly think whoever wins, things will get seriously worse before they ever get better.  It's sickening.

I'm...tired.

Halloween, Walktober, and Fading Fall

Well, October is officially over.  After a summer-like Halloween, the rain and wind came overnight and accelerated fall even further by blowing a ton of remaining leaves off the trees, so I guess we're officially on the downslope of the season.  Boo, indeed.  

The last week was pretty nice, though.  We did have a couple days where the trees really started to lose their leaves, and the past peak feeling was a little bit sad because the colors had been really nice this year.  I swear the gorgeous tree next door went from 2/3 full of gorgeous red-orange leaves to mostly naked in a day or two.  We did have this gorgeous sunrise earlier in the week, made prettier with the burning bushes and the colored blankets of leaves across the street.

Despite a bunch of nights with frost, half my plants are still hanging in there.  I have a surviving tomato plant where the tomatoes never went soft (although most have been harvested now), and a zucchini that's still trying.  I kept one flower pot under my table so its last flower could come out.  Some stuff is deader than dead earlier than usual, but other things are still throwing out blooms.  It's the weirdest thing.  I sort of want to tear everything out at this point, but it sort of feels like stopping a tiny miracle, no?  Maybe this weekend.

Carter painted this pumpkin at Sunday School a few weeks ago and somehow it started rotting almost instantly.  It had a visible ooze at the start, and it's all sunken in and soft on top, but we've let it hang in there.  That will be going soon now that Halloween is past.  Sitting next to it is the one flower from my giant porch planter that looked too healthy to toss a couple weeks ago.  I thought it was going after the frost, but it hung in there and keeps blooming.  Go figure.
 

As if it wasn't a hectic enough week with Halloween and lots of appointments, on Tuesday night I realized that my cold brew coffee pitcher had a giant crack in it.  I have no idea where it came from, but more than likely something bumped it in the sink or on the drying rack.  The glass is super thin and Aldi people post often about how many of them have broken, so I guess I should consider myself lucky it made it about a year and a half, but it was a bummer nonetheless.  But it still didn't seem to be leaking, so out of desperation for the rest of the week, I slapped some duct tape on it and gave it a shot.  It hasn't broken yet, but I am ordering a new one.

Wednesday was my big Halloween day at work.  Some years I can't be bothered to participate.  We've had a lot of busy fall seasons and sometimes that is the one thing that has to give, especially when work gets nuts or I'm busy helping Carter with his costume.  This year the theme was pretty simple, and I knew instantly what I wanted to do.  Our suite was doing "Under the Sea" and I've long admired umbrella jellyfish--clear umbrellas with fabric strips hanging down, and ideally some LED lights making it glowy like at the aquarium.  By some miracle, Aldi sold a $6.99 clear umbrella the week before, so of course that made it easy!  It took two trips to Dollar Tree, four rolls of glitter tulle, and two sets of LED lights, but somehow I managed a haphazard but fun jellyfish!  The tulle was a bit hard to work with and the umbrella was already starting to break in one spot by the time I was done, but I made it work...although I forgot that it would be hard walking through doorways and as a result I managed to spill cider on myself before 10am.  Good times.

Ill-advised selfie attempt at my desk!

Our suitemates did a heck of a job decorating, including this mermaid cove.  I am in the middle there.

Here's a better view next to a jellyfish friend.

They really went all out, including this display near the front of the suite that included a treasure map!

The map led to a treasure chest with candy coins and Swedish fish.  It was really cute and the theme was super fun.  Somehow (::cough:: biased judges ::cough::), we only got Most Creative.  Another team that did a Mario theme (not as good as our team did in 2019, mind you) got best overall.  Fixed!

Unfortunately, I had to miss the suite photo because I had my first physical therapy session that I booked weeks ago.  I knew there might be festivities on that day, but it was really the only one I could get since they were booking into January.  My upper left arm has been bugging me for a while.  It hurts when I stretch it, reach high up or under something, move my arm quickly, or reach back for my seatbelt.  Pulling covers over myself also hurts, and sometimes it aches when I lay on it in bed.  It just sort of burned in between the bicep and tricep, for like 5-10 seconds after the initial movement.  It may not be as much of an issue on my right arm, but on my left it had officially gotten frustrating and limiting.  I can't really work out with weights, so I definitely want it fixed for that alone.  I had a similar issue heal itself in my right arm in the last year, but this one wasn't going anywhere.  The therapist figured out pretty quickly that it's impingement in the shoulder, which is when one of the rotator cuff muscles gets pinched and inflamed.  For whatever reason the pain ends up further down the arm.  My range of motion is shockingly bad, like half of the other side's.  I realized it was limited a bit, but I didn't know it was that bad!  The plan is to get the range of motion back through stretches and then start working on getting the strength back.  I can already almost feel a difference after a couple days--some things that would have instantly hurt haven't been as bad.  I typically have a little more time before something hurts, at least.  I hated to miss the photo and lunch, but it was worth it to get started on a solution.  In other medical news, Jacob's tests officially came back negative, so no lactose intolerance or SIBO.  Good news, I guess, except that it doesn't get us any closer to a cause or solution for his reflux.  So now we just wait until January and see if the omeprazole does its job.  His other issues seem to have subsided, aside from a vicious return of the headache on Thursday, to the point it seemed like a migraine with light sensitivity, and it kept him home from school.  Now he seems to have a bit of a cold, so here we go again with another virus.  Let's hope this one is uneventful.  Oh, and Carter had tapered off his face ointments for the sores at the corner of his mouth, and within days they started flaring up again, so I guess we're stuck with ointments and probably headed toward that darn Celiac test whenever I get up the mental strength to survive the wait for the test results and whatever comes after.  I'm just not there right now, in part because my own body is misbehaving a bit again as well.  It's similar to something I had going on last year, so I'm hoping it will fade again like it did before.

Wednesday night I took my last official walk for Walktober, since my steps on Thursday would come via the slow, casual trick-or-treating stroll.  

Last walk photo since my colleague requested photos for a celebratory video of some sort

It's a work thing that encouraged us to get in as many steps as possible for the month.  We had a department team and had a good time encouraging each other.  I had pretty low expectations, but in the end I only missed one day, October 1!  It got very competitive and I didn't want to let my teammates down, so I really had to push myself every day to get in some sort of walk or other workout (which could be converted in the app).  Luckily my Apple Watch made it easy to log things.  I have to say, even though some days it wasn't ideal, it did push me and I did appreciate the extra time outside enjoying the fall colors.  Thankfully the weather was good for most of the month, only a handful of truly brisk walks.

Gorgeous colors on a tree around the corner

This was my final image in the app.  Note that one white leaf.  Yellow means 10,000 steps, orange is 8,000, and red was 6,000.  Not too bad.  

Our team and my individual score were both in the top third, so not too bad.  I finished third on my team out of seven (those two were crazy dedicated, though!).  I lost a couple pounds (although Halloween eating probably took care of that) and I even get a free pair of gloves, so that's not too bad.  I hope to keep it going as much as I can as long as the weather makes it tolerable, although I'm happy the pressure is off--at least until my watch decides that crazy month of long streaks for all the daily goals means that my monthly challenges will get unattainable!

I also had to do pumpkin carving that night.  As much as we normally do a typical face, I saw this on Pinterest and fell in love and had to try it.

It was pretty straightforward and simple to carve, though the engineering of the steps and door took some work, but I think it turned out really cute!

I would have loved to have the time and energy to do the other big pumpkin I got from my work's pumpkin patch, but that just wasn't happening.  Our little setup was still pretty adorable, and there was even a teenage girl who was completely smitten with it.

Carter agonized over his costume for a few weeks, but ultimately nothing really worked out.  I don't like paying $40 for a costume he wears for a couple hours (turned out he couldn't even dress up at school), so I didn't want to go the route of anything at the Halloween store.  He considered the hot dog he tried on at Target last year, but we couldn't find one when we went back.  I offered up a Pinterest version of the light-up stick man costume he saw at the Halloween store, but he wasn't into it.  So, baseball player it was!  He looked good, though!

He was a good sport but I know it wasn't his preference.  But I did tell him that if he can get creative next year to do something more fun, I would be happy to help him with it.  Tween costumes are so tough.  And as much as I like going out with him as these years come to an end, I do hope he can get a group of friends to go with at some point.  I loved going with my cousin my last year and it would definitely be more fun for him.  

I decided to take out my jellyfish for the walk.  Why not get some additional use out of it?  It was lighted for safety and if it rained like it was supposed to, I'd be covered.  Oh, and as I alluded to, Halloween and the day before were both in the mid-70s.  Warmest Halloween pretty much in my lifetime, apparently.  I remember one good one at our old house, but this one was absolutely crazy.  Almost too warm even at trick-or-treat time--I wore my rain jacket but needed to take it off about 20 minutes in because it was still above 70 even once the sun went down.  My jellyfish was a little unruly in the breeze and I spent most of my driveway waiting time untangling tentacles as the tulle liked to stick to everything, including itself.  But it looked pretty cool and I got a lot of compliments.  Some people realized right away it was a jellyfish, and others complimented my umbrella, at which point either Carter or I clarified that it was a jellyfish.  It's hard to capture how it looked, but we tried.

We did our usual loop around the block plus a few extra houses on the fringes where we could.  Candy felt super expensive this year so I think people gave out a little less on average, and I have a feeling more houses stayed dark than usual (aside from the year it was on a weekend and we figured everyone was out at parties).  There were fewer good displays aside from the two houses around the corner and the hayride trailer we saw driving around.  The house that used to have a big garage display but is selling their stuff did have a few things out, including this amazing ghost broom that moved around on its own.  The widow who kept her husband's display going for a couple years appears to have retired.  I think it was out last year but she didn't give out candy, but it didn't make any appearance this year.  It was sort of nice that a lot of people were outside giving out candy this year.  I think it made things quicker and friendlier.  I offered to keep going even once we wrapped back around to our house, to a few other fun houses around the corner, since it was such a gorgeous night.  But Carter was thirsty and had a full pumpkin, so we called it quits.  I sat outside for the rest of the night for the handful of additional trick-or-treaters we got, listening to the crazy kid party at the house on the corner.  We got almost no trick-or-treaters last year when it was freezing, but we probably had about a dozen groups come through this time.

So, November is here.  Turkeys will come out this weekend and now we begin killing time until a late Thanksgiving.  That third full work week is always a tough one, especially when you know what's coming after.  I'll probably have to give myself permission to start a few Christmas things early because it will be a short season once it gets here.  Wegmans has begun filling their entry with all things Christmas (although it's not overwhelming yet), and I saw my first tree in someone's window on my drive home from the store.  It's coming and I am most definitely not ready.  Even though part of me feels like I rocked October because of my many outdoor walks, I guess spending most of the month in a car/anxiety stupor didn't do me any favors.  How is fall (and this year, for that matter) almost over?!