Christmas, Interrupted - Part 2

Christmas Eve night was a LONG one.  Jacob was so unhappy.  He was uncomfortable, slightly nauseous, had a terrible headache, and his leg was hurting.  He was really worried it was infected, and kept saying that if it's septic you only have 12 hours, so he would be a goner if we waited to do anything about it.  I kept explaining to him that he didn't have a fever and it didn't feel warm through the bandages, so the odds of something being that far gone were slim.  Could it be the beginnings of something?  Maybe?  But it was unlikely that it had progressed to the point he was thinking.  But he just didn't feel well, and it was a challenge to weed through what was a real symptom vs. what was anxiety-enhanced.  Tylenol wasn't working that well, and he was refusing Ibuprofen because he read that it hinders bone healing.  Even with Tylenol, it took a long time to get the headache to ease, and then when I said something he didn't like, he said it ramped back up again.  Basically anytime I say anything that even hints at something being wrong (like talking about his ongoing stomach/reflux stuff), he freaks out.  I'm stuck between validating what he's been dealing with but ramping up his anxiety vs. downplaying things to keep him calm but risking him feeling unheard.  It's sort of impossible and exhausting, but I promise I'm trying to find a balance.  We do have some big questions coming up at our GI follow-up in January, and I know that's weighing on us both a lot.  I can tell he's worried about it, even though his day-to-day symptoms don't seem that bad most of the time.  But for this moment, we were trying to focus on the leg and which symptoms were specific to that vs. being ramped up worse with the anxiety.

Obviously complicating things was that we were over an hour from home, it was late at night, and going home would jeopardize the rest of Christmas.  It was a battle to navigate all of that because he felt like we weren't taking him seriously, but also we didn't want to overreact and miss out on everything for something that he was likely making larger than life in his head.  Ultimately we were awake until at least 3am.  I was sleeping in the room with him since Craig was still a bit cold-ridden and took the air mattress in the room next door, though Craig did make a few appearances to talk through things now and then, probably when he heard us through the walls.  Eventually, once the headache eased and he wasn't feeling quite as off, we settled on being confident that any infection wasn't advanced as usually an infection would only ramp up further, not ease off like it had.  However, if it was still bad in the morning we could go home in some form (all of us or just Jacob and a parent, probably Craig since we just had my family stuff left), and that regardless we'd reach out to the doctor on the 26th to talk things through.  After getting that reassurance, eventually we all got some sleep.  Of course, I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't go back to sleep, but everyone else slept in until closer to 10.  We did end up skipping church as a result, which was a bit of a bummer.  But if it gave us a better day, so be it.

Jacob woke up feeling quite a bit better.  His leg was still hurting him but I tried to explain to him that he'd been medicating it more steadily before, which was likely keeping the inflammation down even when he wasn't consistent with it, and now that he was doing a bit more and not medicating at all, it probably started to bounce back with more inflammation than his body could naturally manage.  We got him to take Tylenol more that day, and when it bothered him more later, he did consent to ibuprofen as a test, although he couldn't really tell if that helped more.  But for the most part he was better that day, significantly less panicky and anxiety-ridden.  There were a couple times I felt like he was on the edge needed to be reassured and talked back down with a reminder we'd be contacting the doctor in the morning.  He was feeling a bit off again by the evening--mostly a swimmy head, it seems--but Christmas Day was much more under control and we were able to enjoy the day much more than the night before.

Carter and I both had a late breakfast, but Craig slept late and Jacob wasn't thrilled with the options so since it was already after 11 before we were all up and moving, they just opted to wait until our noon-ish Christmas lunch.  We had a great meal of ham, cheesy potatoes, rolls, corn, and Jacob's favorite raspberry jello ring that my mom makes.  I brought brownie ala mode sundaes for dessert.  Everything was so good, and as soon as we were done, I worked on my strawberry fluff for Uncle Jeff's house.  It's like the orange "paste" (as the boys call it) that Jacob requests for summer picnics a lot, but it used strawberries and pineapple, which felt a bit more festive.  It was good, but I used a shortcut technique because we were traveling and I think that made it not quite as good as the other one.  If I ever make it again I'll probably use a similar technique to the orange version to see if it turns out better.  Anyway, we relaxed for a bit before presents, watching this bizarre but entertaining "Disneyfied" animated NBA game broadcast.  Then it was time for gifts!

Jacob got his Pilgrim's Progress book (in two forms), and Carter got a book as well.  They both also got some cool religious sports shirts.  Craig got a couple classic Peanuts ornaments that my mom found cheap.  I got my angel ornament and a sweater.  And we got our annual Platters chocolate.  I may be forgetting a couple things.  But mostly we all got cash, which was much appreciated--especially us post-roof!  

We had a little more time to relax after that.  My mom and I checked to see if the earrings I made for her matched her tough-to-match shirt (close enough!).  She liked her puzzles from Carter's and my Goodwill trip a couple weeks ago, the one before one of Jacob's games where we got a pot for some crystal making (from a kit he got years ago that we never did because we needed a pot we'd never use for food) and where Carter got himself a new magic set for about $4 that actually turned out to be pretty legit.  My dad got a sweater and he actually liked the color I picked, and I bought them both a blanket to replace the very threadbare Biederlack blanket that has been a couch mainstay since I was probably a teenager.  Before we headed over to Uncle Jeff's we had a quick FaceTime with my brother and his girlfriend.  Unfortunately the kids were with their mom, but it was nice to check in anyway.

I was relieved to get to Uncle Jeff's because that has probably been my biggest sticking point with all of the Christmas stuff we've had to miss over the last few years--twice for COVID and once due to the Buffalo blizzard.  I had never missed it in my entire life until COVID hit.  One year it wasn't held at all, and we were home due to COVID quarantine anyway.  The next year it was canceled at the last minute due to a COVID exposure, but my mom and I stopped by briefly anyway to drop some things off.  We got a little taste of it, but obviously it wasn't the same.  Two years ago it happened but we were stuck in Rochester since all roads leading to Buffalo were closed or very risky.  It finally happened last year and all was well, but getting back there again this year felt like a big deal, especially since 24 hours earlier it felt unlikely we'd still be in town.  It's definitely different than it was when I was a kid--no gift exchange, different chaos, less Trivial Pursuit (although we usually leave early-ish)--but in many ways it has come full circle--lots of littles, quite a few of the middle generation, and a dwindling older crew.  It's definitely a different vibe but anything that brings back memories of the glory days, in the exact spot where they happened, is much appreciated.  

My cousin Lori brought a little surprise for the kiddos...I had to laugh!

By the way, I forgot to mention that Lori and Kevin got a dog!  Her name is Honey and she's the absolute sweetest Mini Golden Doodle.  They brought her over to perk up Jacob a few days after his surgery.  She was so chill.  She sniffed everything and ran downstairs a couple times, but she didn't bark, chew, or do much of anything except accept lots of pets and belly rubs.  Everyone was giving me crap because I was on the floor with her most of the time.  They could have come down too!  They took that as some evidence that we should get a dog, but:

1) I like dogs but don't want to be responsible for one
2) If you could promise I'd get a dog that chill, I'd be tempted, but you can't guarantee anything
3) I do not want to spend the time, money, or sanity on a dog
4) We are still not home enough and I have way too much to do without dog walking, feeding, or other care

Regardless, Honey was an absolute delight and I'd actually be fine giving dogsitting a try sometime, but just because I love other people's dogs doesn't mean I need one of my own.  

Back to Christmas, my kids ended up being highlights of the night as well.  Jacob volunteered to do the pre-dinner prayer.  I accidentally ended up missing it because I was grabbing food (oopsie, that was a bummer), but I heard wonderful reviews from other people.  They were super impressed and even a bit choked up!  After dinner, as we were getting ready for the family games (essentially a bunch of grab bag games of candy, lotto tickets, and others goodies), Carter did a magic show for the second year in a row.  He impressed with a couple of his new tricks, and if nothing else, he was super charming!

Near the end of the night someone had a thought to do another round of stair pictures.  We haven't done them in years--possibly not since 2016, the last time my brother was in town for Christmas night.  A lot of people were missing this time, but it still felt worthwhile.  The stairs are so iconic--whether it was us grandkids hanging out there or sliding down on our butts, or the older generation clamoring down them on Christmas morning in family home movies.  They remain the same!  But we all are a much tighter squeeze than we once were!  First up was the oldest generation:

The only one missing is my Uncle Bink, who's been gone since 1997.  They did a spouse photo after that, and sadly that was missing more - an aunt and two uncles, all in-laws. 

Next was the youngest crew.  That was missing the five oldest - my cousin Nicki's two girls, my cousin Todd's two kids, and my cousin Chris' daughter, plus my brother's kids who fall in line after Jacob and before Carter.  But there were a bunch of new ones since we last did this!  Unfortunately we kept Jacob on a lower step because of his leg, so it looks a little goofy, but we got it done.

Then it was my generation.  It turned out that because of the missing cousins as listed above, plus my cousin Kim, I was the eldest present!  That was crazy.  So we were missing the five oldest, but all the rest of us (including my cousin Kevin who lives in Reno) were there.  Crazy how times change.

There was also a spouses picture after this one, and everyone except Kevin had one of those, so that was quite a group too!  It was nice to add another chapter to a fun tradition and realize just how much times have changed from the last round.

After that, it was about time for us to get going.  We had a long drive back and still sort of needed to ensure we wouldn't be spending the overnight at the ER if Jacob got nervous again.  Fortunately the trip was pretty quick and painless other than trying to find an open gas station (that took about five tries).  Jacob did okay despite feeling a little funky on the ride and went to bed promptly once we got home.  We unpacked and put away a few things, but followed behind him pretty soon after.  It had been a long but good day.

As a whole, this Christmas was good.  Not exactly outstanding, particularly on the gift side, but obviously our overnight mess didn't help.  I think overall everyone was content with how it turned out, but I can't say there was a lot in the way of "wow" moments, either on the giving or receiving side, other than maybe Carter's phone.  I don't know if that's just the evolution of big kids, or changes in giving habits among our families, or maybe just an extension of my somewhat "meh" feeling about the entire holiday leading up.  I wanted to really enjoy it because everything feels a bit fleeting and delicate right now (thanks, anxiety), and overall I did, but everything just felt a lot more low-key.  Even my usual semi-panic/sadness on the 26th, or when thinking about the lights that will soon disappear, or the impending January blahs, isn't feeling quite as intense right now.  Maybe I just have bigger worries, or my perspective has changed, or I'm just that exhausted, but something is different.  It just felt a lot more even-keeled as a whole.  I can't say that's a bad thing, but it just leaves me with fewer strong feelings about this Christmas as compared to other years.

When we woke up on the 26th (gloriously late I might add--even I slept later, which has been rare the last few months), my first thought was to check my MyChart messages because we'd sent a message to the surgeon's office later on Christmas with our questions about Jacob's leg.  Sure enough, there was already a response.  They weren't too worried about our concerns based on his symptoms but said we could take the dressing off and send them a photo.  Well, once we got in there, it was a little overwhelming because we weren't sure we could put it back together.  Under the ace bandage was a whole bunch of fragile cotton wrapping that just tore away, then a couple pieces of gauze.  There was also tape over the wound and we weren't sure if we could take that off, so we took a picture with it and sent a few more questions.  A couple more rounds of messages back and forth later, the tape was off and Jacob was free of all the bandages moving forward.  He can even shower now!  It looks pretty decent, especially now that the dried blood is washed off.  It's still rather swollen, but it's definitely healing up and there's no sign of infection.  They also requested he stay with the ibuprofen because that will help keep the inflammation down, and the bone healing issue isn't much of a concern at this dose/duration.  So...we're getting there.  His follow-up is in a few days and I know he's eager to get started on some real recovery.  He's so bored and eager to get up some shots.  He was a little bummed by how he felt after an upper body workout today--very tired--but after not doing much for a couple weeks and being a bit sleep deprived, maybe that's not too surprising.  He's still just feeling off in general, especially at night, and most of it has ramped up significantly since the surgery.  I'm trying not to connect too many dots in my head at the moment.  We'll have lots of questions for the surgeon Monday, and have the backup of his routine med check with the pediatrician right after that, so we can ask about tiredness and safe sleep aids and anything else that might help us get him back on track.  I just want to help him and feel a bit at a loss right now.  

So, now the weekend is here and we await Monday's appointments and the New Year (hopefully with a fun little family outing).  Bring on a little bit of relaxation in the meantime...

Side note: Today marks this blog's 17th birthday.  I didn't realize it until a blogger I've followed for years (who no longer blogs but posts on IG) mentioned that her blog started 20 years ago, and then I realized what today's date was.  Seventeen years ago today was post #1, just trying to figure this whole thing out.  In it I said, "...it'll be an interesting diary of this experience, assuming I keep it up."  Well, I guess I've done a little more than that.  I don't know how this has been going on for a full 17 years now, but here we are...a memory keeper and therapy in one!  Happy Birthday, Blog...it's been real.

Christmas, Interrupted - Part 1

Well, we made it.  It wasn't without hiccups, but it wasn't a bad Christmas overall.  I got into some of the build-up quickly in my last post, but I left out some details.

On Friday I took an extended lunch to do some last running around on the east side of town--to the music store to buy Carter's rosin, to Trader Joe's for food and treats for Jacob, to Five Below for another gift that wasn't in stock at ours, and Whole Foods for Jacob's beloved corn dogs.  It was snowing pretty good (we ended up with about three inches) and the Whole Foods plaza was a traffic nightmare.  It was not fun, but at least I got things done.  I worked the rest of the day from home and pushed through to give myself the ability to take all but one day off during the full two-week holiday break.  

Saturday was supposed to be my baking and wrapping day, but I really only got through the baking.  I set up cut-out dough to chill in the morning, did the peanut butter blossoms after lunch, and baked the cut-outs after that.  I frosted them in the evening and FaceTimed with my parents in the process since it was my mom's birthday.  It wasn't a bad day overall--getting the baking done felt really productive.  I was almost getting in a holiday mood.  It was snowing again (another inch), and it looked so pretty through my kitchen window.

I spotted two deer out in the yard in the middle of the day, which felt pretty rare.  They must have been hungry with all the snow.  You can see the one deer, and the other is just behind it--one of the hind legs is in line with the front deer's ear.

This was the view as I rolled out my cookies while the sun set.

Sunday was my wrapping day.  Craig had a cold and Jacob didn't want to manage going out with his leg, so it was just Carter and me going to church that morning.  In the afternoon, I had to put on movies and drink some wine to push through the wrapping, but I wrapped every gift over the course of that day, even with a couple little breaks--including teaching Jacob how to wrap.  Wrapping is a weird rite of passage for me--it's a lot to do as I don't actually need to make it that complicated, but wrapped presents are the best and when I add in the movies, in the end it's just what I do to get ready for the holiday.

Even though I took Monday off, I did pop on my computer a bit Monday morning to check email and send some year-end renewal reminder emails.  The rest of the day was allowed to be a bit more relaxing--a quick workout, a blog post, and church at night with the boys while Craig stayed home sick.  Church was nice, though maybe a little underwhelming.  Usually it's a big production and the decorations are wow-worthy.  This year was nice but neither the songs nor the decor were especially unique beyond what we get on a Sunday.  But the service was lovely and the candlelit Silent Night at the end was lovely as always.  It almost got me choked up (which per my last post has been a challenge this year).  It was a bummer to not have Craig with us, though.  We came home and eventually the boys got off to bed and Santa came! 

Originally we were going to get up early because Jacob was going to get in a workout later in the morning, but with all of us (especially Jacob and Craig) needing sleep, I wasn't about to wake anyone up earlier than necessary.  Jacob did get us up around 8am, though.  Fair enough.  And his trainer canceled so at least we didn't actually need to rush.

Traditional picture taken...plus a bonus...

 

The moose x2 had to make a cameo.  The boys have been loving them this year.

Stockings were up first and both boys had an assortment of candy.  Carter also got a pen to replace his Easter basket 10-color pen that broke, and Jacob also got socks, bamboo combs (he wanted them, and would have gotten bamboo toothbrushes too if he let us know sooner), and a Simba Pez dispenser.

On to the big gifts--Carter's first one was obvious because it was unwrapped.  Santa brought him a new bat!

He also got a random little vending machine toy and a build-your-own Lego-type soda machine he'd seen at Five Below (the first one he kept talking about for weeks so I had no choice, but it was only $5, so why not?), a piano keyboard (he plays on his computer a lot so I figured for another $5 it was worth trying), a build-your-own Aldi, cozy socks from Jacob, and his ornament, which was a glass baseball with a Santa hat.  His big gift, which sadly I forgot to take a picture or video of, was a new iPhone and case.  His was an iPhone 7 and it was truly on its last legs--no battery life, the case falling off, just brutal.  I figured it was time to get him a new one with phone service so we can cancel our cable and not leave him without phone service.  He didn't even really realize what it was when he opened it up, but when he did, his surprise was pretty satisfying!  I was a little bummed when I opened it up to wrap it because the phone had a bunch of scratches on it.  It was refurbished, but so was Jacob's a few years ago and his was perfect.  This didn't have packaging, and one spot was full of smaller scratches and another spot had one deeper gouge.  I hopped on an Amazon chat to see if I accidentally picked a lower quality one ("acceptable" or something like that), but Amazon confirmed that it should have been better than that, so I was offered either a 20% refund or to just return it.  It looked like similar ones might be more expensive so I said I'd see if it bothered Carter and decide then.  Turns out it didn't and it didn't interfere with the screen protector so in the end I got almost $50 back.  Not bad.

Jacob originally didn't have as much and then I think we overbought to even things out.  Oops.  He really wanted a new Bible with a different translation, and he was extra surprised to get this book, Expect a Miracle, Oral Roberts' autobiography.  He had wanted that title to be his basketball team's motto this year, but got shot down--although it would have been appropriate since it might take a miracle for them to win a game.
 

He also got a gold tie and pocket square, a basketball necklace with a bible verse on it, a new dressy sweater, a plain Under Armour hoodie (I got it for free from work), a pair of sweatpants, and some cozy pajama pants.  His gift from Carter was a Funko of Troy from High School Musical (long story why it fit, but it was holding a basketball), and his ornament was a wood ornament laser-engraved with one of his favorite Bible verses, Psalm 18:2.  Oh, and he also got a Simba Squishmallow which I originally got to perk him up after his surgery but opted to keep when he was in better spirits by the next day.

As for me, the boys got me cozy socks (sense a theme?), a cool crystal building block set from Five Below that I looked at every time I was there, and a U of R shirt and wine glass.  For Craig, he needed a new pillow, and I also snagged some Snoopy fleece Christmas pajama pants at Aldi.  He also got a box of Good and Plenty in his stocking.  The problem with the pillow was it was impossible to wrap--it didn't fit in any of my gift bags and none of my million saved boxes were big enough--until I went deeper into the crawl space and found the perfect one!

It was a Chipotle catering box from Jacob's confirmation celebration!  That got a good laugh when he unwrapped it!

Once I got started on our traditional cinnamon rolls, we had a couple hiccups.  First, I didn't have enough cinnamon.  I guess I just forgot to check it, and the recipe takes two tablespoons.  Oops.  Craig ran out to get it, thankfully.  But once I got them in the oven, they didn't seem to want to rise...or cook at all, for that matter.  I was worried something was wrong with my oven, until I realized that I had set my timer for the dough to sit, and must have canceled out the preheat when I turned off the timer.  Oops again.  We ate the first round of air fryer bacon in the meantime.  I finally got things righted, but had to guess how much they still needed to cook.  In the end they turned out ok, maybe a little overdone but still delicious.  Too bad it was about 11am by the time we ate!  Craig had gotten a donut for himself at Wegmans instead and then left us to do one last quick round of shopping.  I snuck in a quick workout (I've been running a little behind on my monthly challenge on my Apple Watch), then rushed through getting ready because all of a sudden it felt like we were running way behind.  Oops.  I frantically packed up the clothes and food and last minute little things, and we finally got on the road--a bit late, but done.

Until, that is, I realized that I forgot the two pounds of strawberries I bought.  Jacob requested the fluff salad I make a lot in the summer that we affectionately refer to as "paste" for Uncle Jeff's, but I wanted something a little different and maybe more festive, so I looked at a strawberry version instead of the usual orange.  But then I forgot the strawberries.  And of course Wegmans was closing imminently.  We stopped at the one closest to Aunt Marie's (well, after we stopped at one closer to our route per Apple Maps, which wasn't even there anymore--seriously?!) and I grabbed a pound there.  On to Aunt Marie's we went!

It's not quite the same affair it used to be.  Aunt Marie's family did their Christmas earlier, so in the end we only saw Craig's cousin Julie's family and his cousin/godson Jeff.  Julie's son is so adorable, though.  His aunt and uncle used to live across the street, but they moved this year so we figured we wouldn't see their whole crew.  But we did see one of their kids, his daughter, and his new fiancee on our way out.  Beyond that it was just Craig's whole family.  But it was nice to see who we saw.  We had some good dinner with pierogies and kielbasa and hung out for a bit.    

I loved Aunt Marie's glitter church!

We took a family picture that I finally have in my possession (the one at my desk is from when Carter was like 3 or 4 because I always forgot to ask Aunt Marie for the one she took), and eventually wrapped it up and got back on the road, to Craig's parents' for presents.  But by that point Jacob wasn't feeling great.  His leg was sore, and he just felt off.  I spent most of the time we were there talking him through it.  He was really struggling.  He was worried his leg was getting infected and he just didn't feel well.  Finally we got to presents and he perked up enough to seem normal.  We all got clothes, and Carter also got Legos, Jacob got a basketball, and I got perfume (tough one for me since I can't wear it to work and can't actually smell it myself, but maybe Craig will like it so I can wear it when I'm with him).  Craig got a cute Snoopy Christmas figurine, some fun Snoopy socks and a cool Snoopy basketball sweatshirt.  We wrapped things up pretty quickly after that to get Jacob back to my parents' house so he could try to rest and relax.  That was about the time Christmas officially took a rough turn.  I'll save that for the next post, though.  This is enough for one, I think!

'Twas Two Days Before Christmas

It has been a WEEK over here.  Christmas is in two days, Santa comes to our house tonight, and while I'm done with my wrapping (aside from one gift that is en route home from being bought), I'm still figuring out food and trying to pack and feeling like I probably forgot something.    

Jacob's surgery was a week ago tomorrow and I would say we're making baby steps...or maybe one step forward and one step back.  His leg is doing better.  He ditched the crutches and boot within a couple days and has been walking on it since.  He still does stairs very gingerly, but otherwise he's barely limping.  He got really tired of elevating it after a few days and got clearance from the doctor to do it less.  He's frustrated by the showering situation and has struggled to keep up with his eating because he either needs constant help or doesn't feel like putting in the effort himself.  We've generally been here with him, but when I'm trying to do work or take care of Christmas stuff it's frustrating to drop everything whenever he needs something, especially if it's something he can do.  The pain has subsided quite a bit, which is good.  He probably stopped needing pain meds by about day four.  But his comfort is still...off.  He's super tired, which may be at least in part from not sleeping well when he had to elevate it.  He's just not sleeping well at all still, even without needing it to be too elevated.  He didn't take his ADHD meds for days--for a few reasons starting with not taking it on surgery day and then thinking he didn't need it and not asking for more when I forgot to refill his pill organizer.  Then he took it yesterday after we scolded him, and he ended up not sleeping well at all.  He was really tired by the evening and tried to go to bed around 8 or 9, but barely fell asleep, got woken up, and then struggled to go back to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.  I sat and talked to him for a while, but he still struggled after that for hours.  He did sleep in, and in the end he figures he slept about seven hours, but that's not enough for him, and the shifted hours didn't help so he's still tired today.  His whole body just feels off and anxiety is getting to him even though I'm not sure what he's specifically anxious about.  He wants to get moving, which he actually did today with his trainer for a bit, but he's generally bored and annoyed--that Carter is so into this one Xbox game and doesn't want to play with him, that he doesn't really have many friends to talk to, and that we haven't had time to play Monopoly together as a family.  He's just out of sorts and really wants to be active again, but we're just not sure how to get him there just yet.  He also keeps thinking his leg is infected, but the pain is fine and he doesn't have a fever, so even without seeing it, we're pretty sure it's okay.  He did have the sweats for a bit in the middle of everything last night, but if his meds were involved that's probably not surprising.  I just feel bad that we can't really figure out how to help him.  I don't even really know which doctor to contact if this doesn't let up, because he insists it all started after the surgery, but I'm not sure the surgeon would have answers or feel empowered to prescribe sleeping meds or anything like that, especially to a kid his age.  It's been a bit challenging, to say the least, in part because he legitimately didn't think he'd be in that much pain or be so slow to recover.

Otherwise the week has been a sprint to Christmas--wrapping up shopping, busting through as much work as possible to secure time off until Friday (aside from an hour or so this morning to save myself some annoyance later), wrapping like a mad woman yesterday (with Christmas movies and wine), and today trying to figure out food and packing today.  Craig has a cold but at least it isn't COVID.  We're supposed to go to church tonight, though he may stay home.  It's been a lot to figure out what we still needed to buy, try to ensure the kids were sort of even (Carter is getting a phone and Jacob's list was limited, so that was hard), and make sure everyone else was accounted for.  It's been a disjointed season, I guess.  

I realized the other day that I probably buy about nine fewer gifts than I did at my peak.  At one point we still had two grandmothers to buy for, four gifts for my family exchange, and three for Craig's aunts.  We haven't had to buy for any of those last two groups since COVID, and the grandmothers long before that.  I don't miss the added stress, as grandmothers and aunts were never easy and the exchange usually involved a lot of waiting for lists (and ultimately another $80-100 for the four of us), but admittedly my family exchange was fun.  It was always that trusty exchange where you could reliably get that CD or DVD you wanted.  It added a bit of fun, for sure.  Now we just focus on family time on both sides, and that's special too since it seems so rare nowadays.  

Getting older at Christmas is weird, and getting older kids makes that even weirder.  As my mom is doing less shopping this year, I didn't really have anyone ask me what I wanted until Craig and the kids were going out to do some shopping.  That felt weird.  The kids struggled to come up with lists, too.  Carter had a bunch of stuff, but most of it was little stuff I was planning on getting him anyway.  Jacob really had to dig for some clothes, beyond a couple smaller things my mom and I took care of.  It's a far cry from long walks in the toy department, that's for sure.  And really, as things have evolved, I definitely find myself more excited to give certain gifts than worrying about what I'm getting.  It's nice to anticipate gifts, but as a mom I keep my expectations pretty low.  And this year with my mom doing less, even more so.  It's fine--it's how the world evolves as we age.  That's why I try to do something nice for my mom, because she no longer has her mom.  I don't know that I did great this year, but I hope I found a balance between frugality (because spoiling them gets me in trouble), getting things she likes, and not putting more "stuff" in their house.  I think we all miss the fun and excitement of a kid Christmas, but it's nice when the giving becomes more fun.

So, remember a couple posts ago when I was talking about the places I wanted to escape to and I mentioned those Scandinavian stars?  I happened to see one at Walmart last week, out of the blue, and couldn't get it out of my head.  Even though I try not to buy Christmas decorations anymore unless there's a pressing reason, I really wanted it--I guess maybe because I had literally just written about how they always look so peaceful and pretty, and Lord knows I could use more peaceful.  I went back a day or two later and they were still there, and on clearance for about $9 no less, so that was cool.  It was bigger than I realized, but it is really pretty.  It's made out of carboard but it's flocked on the outside.  It's a dark red an I think it fits nicely in our front window.  I'll probably set up my Stick-ees bettter around it next year (I just moved a few ornaments this time to make space), but I'm happy with it.  It just felt like one of those symbolic, self-care things in the midst of a rather challenging Christmas season.

I'll be honest, I know I'm not quite right currently.  Usually one or two of my Christmas songs get me choked up with thankfulness and nostalgia, and this year--where I feel like I should be more inclined to cry about Christmases past--I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of stoic limbo.  Like, everything this year should make me more grateful for a Christmas where everything is, by all accounts, still okay.  And in what feels like a fragile mental state I feel like tears should come more readily, but between the anxiety about life in general (and I suppose getting through this Christmas fine) and utter exhaustion from the past six months, I guess getting into the Christmas spirit ended up even harder than it normally is.  I want to enjoy it all, and I'm really trying, but it's slow to come.  I know I want to soak up all the moments because it goes fast every year and things can change by next year, but I don't feel like I've done well with it.  Some of it is just trying to keep things simple, minimize the craziness and all of that.  But then you deprioritize a couple traditions or things you enjoy and poof, Christmas is over and you missed it for another year.  I don't like that feeling.  I miss things like the Festival of Lights from when I was a kid, and even now we rarely drive to any of the cool decorated neighborhoods like we used to.  

I was proud of myself that I did get my baking done on Saturday.  It felt almost overwhelming this year, but it's important so Jacob has cookies.  It's always a lot but it's oddly satisfying once it's done.  It did take me a good chunk of the day, but I made it.  That meant all of my wrapping got crammed into Sunday, but I survived that too.  We're getting there--just like Jacob, I suppose--one baby step at a time.  And now it's almost Christmas.  Again.  Already.  Not sure how, but here we go.

Nine Years Later

Nine years ago yesterday, we found out Jacob would need his leg surgically reconstructed due to a benign bone cyst.  About a month later, a plate and four screws went in.  Today, they came out.

This wasn't really an easy decision and it took more than a couple medical opinions to get here, but in the end it wasn't as tough of a call as you might expect.  He's been in pain so long and tried so many things, and this was really the next logical thing to try.  Hopefully it'll be the last, but truly there's no guarantee.  

We wavered a bit on timing as we thought through this, but over the past week or so it became pretty clear that this was the best move for everyone (except maybe his team).  But even the mom of the only other good player on the team was super understanding.  I somehow never met her last year but as we both got increasingly frustrated during the last game, we ended up chatting in our mutual misery.  The team is just awful, honestly.  Besides Jacob and Joe, there is almost zero offense, little defense, and a complete lack of confident ballhandling.  It's hard to watch.  They may not win a game, and Joe's mom admitted it wasn't worth playing out the season for that, even though Joe could use the help, just because the next year-plus is so important for him recruitment-wise.  She also said they'd be praying for him, which I really appreciated.  But it's hard knowing Joe's senior season will be so rough.  It'll be interesting to see if the players can get themselves together at all.  We know the talent isn't really there, but there's been some degree of annoyance because of how much Joe and Jacob were getting the ball--and their shooting hasn't been that great, which hasn't helped (though we're convinced the home rims are way too bouncy since they played so much better in another gym)--so now that everyone should have a fair shot, we'll see if they can prove anything.  

Jacob has been so eager for the surgery.  We're eager for him to get relief, but obviously as a parent there are always nerves.  We didn't want to transfer them to him, but at the same time, his overconfidence was a bit unnerving--I didn't want him to go into this feeling invincible and then blame us later if something didn't go as smoothly as planned.  Of course, my anxiety went through the roof leading up to it.  The good news is that he's been through anesthesia a number of times already so that was less of a concern.  But there's always that nagging feeling that something unexpected could happen--whether it's infection or some sort of other complication.  I won't even go into the depths of what my anxiety was doing the night before, but it was pretty rough.  I had to distract myself with as much Christmas shopping as I could muster just to get through the night.  We all went to bed early-ish, at least.  But that 4:30 wake-up was a bit rough.

It's now 9:30 as I type this, and he's still in the OR.  We never really asked how long they thought it would take, and of course, since he's been in their possession since 8am, we're admittedly feeling a little nervous.  A bunch of kids (in the form of ID numbers) just switched over to the recovery room side of the status board, and he wasn't one of them.  It's probably fine, but this stuff never seems to get easier.  The concern is mostly that the bone grew over his plate, or maybe they found something funky while they were in there (though it would be nice if they could identify what was happening in there), because that would involve extra recovery and probably quite a bit more pain.  He doesn't do well with the heavy-duty painkillers, so that would be less than ideal.  The longer it goes, obviously the more nervous we get.  It seems pretty straightforward, but what do we know?  It IS surgery, after all.  Last time he was inpatient overnight, and while we were at the hospital again for this one, this time is supposed to be a pretty quick discharge.

Being at the hospital is sort of odd for me.  As an employee of the university that runs this hospital, working with colleagues who fundraise for this hospital every day, it's oddly fun to see it all in motion.  I see familiar donor names on the walls and see the tangible benefit of the funds our team and other teams raise.  But being in a hospital is also super sobering, especially a children's hospital.  You see kids with problems--obvious physical and cognitive differences, wheelchairs, etc.  You hear the surgeon come out to talk to other parents about things like heart function.  You see the "consultation rooms" next to the bathroom that are probably where they take you when there's bad news, so no one sees you cry.  You hear alarms from time to time and wonder what they mean.  It's all a vivid reminder that this hospital is very much needed for very real problems.  Ours is probably pretty minimal compared to some, but it's still a lot.

As far as the first part of the day went, I was up at 4:30 and Craig and Jacob were up at 5.  We had an elaborate setup for Carter to get to school on his own, as I really did want to be here before surgery.  Carter is capable, so we just set a bunch of wakeup alarms and prompt alarms to make sure he was on target to catch his bus.  I called him through Messenger a couple times, and by all accounts he did okay.  If we get home and the lights are off and the door was locked, we'll make that official.  That was a tough call to make, to leave him alone for that process, but he can be a pretty responsible kid and I felt like it was pretty important to be with Jacob for this one day.  (Later edit: He indeed did fine.)

Check-in was pretty simple, aside from him taking forever to get into his gown (he had to wipe himself down and he was probably nervous because the curtain wasn't covering all the windows as much as he would have liked).  He also had a slight hiccup with his IV--it was fine initially and then she figures he held his breath and the vein collapsed, which hurt pretty bad.  Otherwise, the rest of the prep seemed to go pretty smoothly, and suddenly he was off.  I grabbed an iced coffee for myself and a sparkling water for Craig from the lobby after that, and now we've just been sitting and waiting.  It's not fun.  The Paw Patrol marathon on TV is starting to get on my nerves.  We did find out there's a new girl dog.  Hard to believe it's probably been about six years or more since we watched it regularly.  Time sure flies.

Jacob's status finally switched to recovery around 10:10.  That was one relief, but obviously the big one was talking to the surgeon.  We went back into the room about 10-15 minutes later, and now I'm finishing this post at night after a very long day.  

When we got in, he was pretty groggy and clearly in a lot of pain.  It turned out that the surgeon had some extra work to do.  As we feared, he did have to chip away some of the bone to get it out, and the screws gave him a little trouble.  We got the plate and screws as a souvenir, and the plate was so much smaller than we thought it was, even knowing that it was going on a small seven-year-old leg bone.  

Jacob was struggling quite a bit.  He finally got a dose of the hard meds and that helped him through that wave, but then when he tried to get up and practice walking with the boot and crutches, he got lightheaded and nauseous.  He had to lay back down, and they gave him some anti-nausea meds, but those are sedatives and his body didn't respond well to that at all.  He got tired, and every time he fell asleep, his respiration went down (his body forgot to breathe).  His nurse was very attentive, sitting at his bedside for probably an hour watching his stats and periodically asking him to wake up and breathe deeply.  Eventually she pulled out the nasal canula and put him back on oxygen.  Finally the sedative got out of his system enough and he started to wake up and feel a bit better.  He was strong enough to go for his boot and crutches practice by the stairs, and shortly after he got discharged.  It was quite a stressful couple hours, though.  I didn't think I'd once again be like a newborn parent watching my "baby" sleep so I could make sure he was breathing.  It was a bit of a debacle to get him out of the hospital and comfortably into the van, but finally we got home with a quick detour to grab him lunch.

We were starving as well by that point and just made some food at home.  He settled in on the couch, ate, had some ibuprofen, and took a couple naps.  His mood perked up a bit by the evening, but it was interspersed with bouts of pain and frustration trying to get around the house.  He was originally supposed to be able to get around without the boot, but it's definitely more comfortable for him right now and it keeps his foot positioned how they want it.  I decided to indulge him and make the Aldi lobster tails I bought (in theory for New Year's Eve) tonight instead.  It was more than I felt like cooking on so little sleep, but I know he appreciated it.  I also grabbed him a little gift when I ran out to Wegmans that I'll keep to brighten his day soon.  

So, all in all, it wasn't an easy day but we're happy the surgery is over.  We know there's probably a harder road ahead than we were hoping, but sometimes the quickest way is through, right?  Turns out Jacob apparently didn't have the faintest clue he could be even remotely this bad.  I think the doctor was a little too optimistic and made it sound like it was going to be a cake walk.  Obviously we knew it was surgery and would involve an incision at minimum, and possibly more, but it never really occurred to him that it would be like this.  As I mentioned, I tried to carefully remind him it might be harder than he thought and that it wasn't something to take lightly.  Of course, whenever I even vaguely mentioned anything, I was chastised by Craig or shushed by Jacob.  I know it's a fine line, but I wasn't sure he truly understood what he was facing, and I know now I was right.  So reality has now hit hard, but I know he will manage.  He probably won't go back to school this week, as much as we wanted him to (and they thought he'd be able to), so he pretty much has three full weeks to rest.  He has just under two weeks before his first follow-up appointment, at which time he might be able to resume some activities like training.  He'll need to be careful for at least a couple weeks after that, but hopefully he can start getting back on track soon.  We have to start somewhere, and here we are at a very tentative and challenging step one.  It's a week until Christmas and things just got a bit more complicated, but I'm thankful we made it through the day okay and can get this show on the road.

Anywhere But Here

Some days, when things are particularly tough, I just want to make it all go away.  Not in a morbid way, but just in an alternate universe sort of way.  The past six months have been hard.  It's been a near-constant stream of anxiety and problems punctuated by a handful of really difficult spikes.  Jacob's issues have been one after another.  Sometimes they resolve, sometimes they come back, sometimes they never really go away.  It's led to a lot of worries, a lot of questions, and a lot of unknowns, some of which persist to this day.  Carter has had a couple issues of his own, and so have I.  The only two times I can really compare it to are most of 2013 when Jacob's behavior issues and Celiac diagnosis had us at a complete loss, and late 2014-early 2015 when we seemed to have every illness under the sun for months on end, and losing my job in the middle of it was the cherry on top.  The relentlessness of both of those is on par with this, but the weight this time is maybe only equaled by that first instance.  There were so many issues and unknowns back then, where I literally didn't know what kind of future Jacob might have.  Based on the awful outbursts he had then, I had visions of a violent, erratic teenager, and it made me wonder whether any of us would survive that, or at the very least worry what kind of horrible mental health treatment situations we'd have to endure.  Eleven years later, thankfully those fears didn't entirely come to pass.  Very little of this journey has been easy, and we do see flashes of that anxiety-induced temper sometimes, but luckily those moments have been pretty isolated and we've avoided any of the worst-case scenarios I had in my head then.  But the weight of such an unknown future was heavy.

And now, truthfully, things feel unknown and scary in a very similar way.  I don't like that a lot of these health issues from the past six months have persisted, and sometimes I feel like there may be answers out there that are scarier than what's floating in my head.  But then I try to tell myself that's probably the anxiety talking.  Even still, I've said before that I feel like we're at a point where I'm not even sure what doctor to reach out to next.  I want to help him and don't mind banging down doors, but...which ones am I doing, and at what point do they just write us off as crazy or overbearing?  Some symptoms can be associated with concerning diagnoses, but am I just connecting too many random dots in my head, or is it really something to dig into?

Anyway, those issues continue to weigh on me, and now we have the added bonus of financial constraints since that our savings has been significantly gutted by the new roof.  It's nice to have it done and not worry about the gaping, leaking hole in our garage, but not having that extra security sucks.  It also means that other interior projects I wanted to do are going to have to wait longer.  Adding to it is that the housing market is completely out of control and we have a kid that's miserable in the school he's at, and there's pretty much no way we could ever move without completely bankrupting ourselves.  Between the rising costs of houses, the bidding wars, the additional property taxes those higher prices involve, and ridiculously high mortgage rates, there's simply no way it's feasible right now.  But I also don't know how to solve Jacob's problem, nor do I want to screw over Carter in the process, since he's settled in at his school.

Long story short, I share all of this because sometimes the problems we have feel impossible to solve.  And yet, I know so many others who are suffering so terribly badly, like my childhood friend whose daughter is near the end of two-plus years of leukemia treatment but still worries herself to death that it will come back--like last week when one of her labs came back with "other cells" that they were worried were cancer cells.  And sadly, I knew the absolute fear and dread and hopelessness she was feeling, although I know my version is just a tiny sliver compared to all she's dealt with in the last two years.  I could barely withstand the weight of mine over these last six months, which fortunately has mostly amounted to nothing, but I know hers is even more immense because it is all very clear, real, life-threatening stuff.  I see people down south who lost everything due to hurricanes, other people dealing with death, cancer, or other illnesses, and people who have giant problems I could never dream of.  Politically we don't know what the future holds, and some of the predictions are scary.  The empath in me just feels at a complete loss sometimes because the hole of despair can seem endless.  I know I'm at a point in my life where, despite life getting richer as a whole, things inevitably will get sadder as we go on.  It all just feels like too much sometimes.

So, getting back to my original point, sometimes I just want to escape to an alternate reality where none of this stuff exists.  I've "complained" here before about Jacob's tendency to assume a vacation will fix all the problems.  I get it, I do, and it does certainly tend to put them on hold for a while.  The escape can be blissful.  In reality, of course, those problems are usually waiting for us when we get back, so it's still not the quick fix we'd like it to be.  But in this season of cozy nights and winter lights, I tend to fantasize more than ever about where I'd teleport myself if I had the chance.  I don't know what it is about this time of year that does it to me--maybe it's the cold, maybe it's warm fuzzy holiday memories of the past--but now more than ever, as I said in a recent post, it's mostly about lifting that weight for a while and going back to a time where it never even existed.  Where would I go?

1) First semester of college - I already mentioned this one in a previous post for its silly "Cecilia" memory, but there were other things that made that semester special.  I think just discovering all these new things and feeling like I "belonged" in a way I hadn't before made it a pivotal, fulfilling time for me.  Living on my own, having a perfect match roommate, making new friends, discovering new experiences, all of it just felt so empowering.  Even crappy, rainy afternoons transformed to "cozy" once I was back snuggled on my bed studying or napping.  Everything just hit different.  I also had a blooming crush by the end of the semester, and even a virus from hell and a rough exam week couldn't completely dampen the excitement of that time.  And knowing I had six weeks at home at the end to (mostly) chill out?  Priceless.

My desk back then, before I even brought our old Apple II GS back to school for the spring

Just a couple kids...and I still use those leaf Stick-ees on the window!

2) My brother's basketball games - This seems like a funny one, especially in light of being in basketball season with my own child now, but bear with me.  There was something special about those nights.  In fact, there were few things better than a Friday night around middle school age where I wrapped up cheerleading in a basketball game myself, came home, changed, and was immediately whisked off to dinner en route to one of John's games.  It was even better when it was on the road at a different high school, just for something different and added possibilities to the places we might eat out.  Looking back, there was definitely an ease to sitting in the back of my parents' car, off on an "adventure" for the night, and not having to make any decisions--including whether our dinner out was too expensive or unneeded, as I do now.  I didn't have much of a social life back then, so it made my Friday (and sometimes Tuesday) nights feel pretty exciting.  And usually we had other family there, so that always made it even more fun. 

This was usually my view from those games

3) European Christmas Markets - Away from the "real life realm" and into the fantasy realm, this time of year I am obsessed with my Christmas market webcams.  This past week I was even more tormented because a local social media/news anchor guy was over touring them, so on top of my usual webcams I was seeing all these amazing pictures and videos of the things he saw.  If I ever have some spare cash and he's still doing these trips annually, I am hopping along for one of his tours.  But the couple hundred cameras I usually browse over the course of December are just magical.  The lights, the rides, the ice rinks, the shopping stalls, the giant trees--it's enchanting.  They're not all like that, but the good ones make you want to transport there and just wander for hours, eating your way through.  I always remind myself it's probably freezing, but it seems downright dreamy.  I also have a little Playmobil Christmas market setup on my dressser (a clearance Wegmans purchase years ago--I believe on an exasperated medicine run during that 2014-15 illness-fest I mentioned above) that reminds me daily of my goal to make it to one for real.  But for now, I'd love to magically transport.

4) View from other people's windows - There are groups on Facebook called things like "View from my Window" where people submit pictures from a window in their corner of the world.  I'm always surprised when I see a local one, because it makes the world seem awfully small, but every once in a while there is a picture from the most picturesque location that makes you want to jump through your screen and curl up on their couch with a mug of cocoa and the coziest blanket ever.  Most of the ones that do that to me, especially this time of year, are in Scandinavia.  They have these amazing fjord or mountain views, floor to ceiling windows with lovely decor that skews cozy-modern, and the pièce de résistance for me is the amazing illuminated paper stars they all hang in their windows this time of year.  It's always dark there right now (or mostly), which might do me in, but if I could freeze myself in their beautiful sunset views, it seems like it would be so peaceful.

Disclosure: I took this from IKEA's website, as I figured it was less creepy than stealing someone's actual house photo, but it's a good representation of what I'm talking about--just imagine a dreamy sunset over a fjord in the background. 

5) The floor of my parents' or grandparents' living room - Let's face it, little else compares to Christmas as a kid.  Mine were amazing.  And as long as my grouchy digestive system cooperated, Christmas morning was priceless.  And there was pretty much no better place to be than on my grandparents' floor on Christmas night.  Of course, I was always a little grumpy that the adults got the seats and it usually involved a long wait for a gift with my name on it, but to go back to a moment where nearly everyone was still alive (aside from my grandpa I barely knew), the gifts were plentiful and exciting, and I was able to be fully immersed in the Christmas spirit without the adult Christmas stress, I mean...wow.  When I see my plentiful collection of Advent calendars now (all but one from my youth), I do remember how hard the waiting was.  We had one family calendar with a nativity theme, one countdown in our kitchen, two fun ones in my room, and later one mini-tree with ornaments on the kitchen table, and the wait to get to my favorite days--especially for the ones in my room--was immense.  Now I have all of those in my house except the one countdown.  This is the first year at my house for the mini-tree, and years ago we added a plastic canvas one my mom did for us (finished out of a stash my grandma left) that adds ornaments to a tree with Velcro.  Carter doesn't seem nearly as tortured by the wait, but if that was my biggest Christmas complication, I'd go back in a heartbeat just to feel all the magic again.

Not my most flattering pic, but this shows the floor chaos as I'm holding probably my absolute favorite Christmas gift ever.

6) Punta Cana - If you'd have asked me last year, I'd probably have put Disney in this slot.  And trust me, that's not out of the question, but it feels too complicated and expensive for my taste right now.  But if I could transport back to Punta Cana in June, I'd definitely do that.  I know that I had a lot of problems waiting for me when I got back, but there are moments I wish I could soak that paradise in a little bit longer.  I look at pictures sometimes and can't believe I was there.  It was so tropical, so luxurious, and so rare to be alone with Craig and hanging out with other adults, which we rarely do.  It was a break unlike any other we'd had since we had kids and there are moments I just want to be sitting by that pool (or beach) again.

Ultimately, I get it--I'm blessed in so many ways.  Just having the memories above, or even the ability to dream about the other two, is so much more than so many people have.  And if the last six months weren't a thing, I think I'd actually be better now than I have been in years.  The boys almost get along, certain things are good and steady, and ultimately we have a good life.  It's not uncomplicated, mind you, but it's a life full of love and good memories.  As a result, despite the struggles that plague me, I know there will be times in the future when I look back and think THIS was a better time.  That's a bit of a scary thought, but sadly I know it's probably true in one form or another.  In the immortal words of Andy Bernard from "The Office" - “I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.”  I suppose we know, but we always have the hope of even better, right?  Without hope, we'd probably wither away.  So, I'm trying to embrace what I have, seek out the good, and savor it while I can.  Some days are harder than others, but I'm trying.  But if you find me looking off blankly into the distance, at least now you know where I might be.

All The Things

Last week was quite a week.  I mean, nothing was super extraordinarily crazy aside from the massive balance decrease from our savings thanks to our sparkling new roof, but it just felt like a bit of a high-level post-holiday re-entry...to the point I can't believe Thanksgiving was only a week and a half ago, which almost never feels that way.  

As I mentioned, Monday was the day we got our new roof.  We had to be out of our driveway by 7am, and they were casing the joint and almost immediately on the roof by about 7:30.  The noise even at that point was unnerving and while normally I'd want to stick around for any massive house work, this time I couldn't wait to leave because it was driving my anxiety through the roof--no pun intended.  By the time I figured out how to get out of the house and to my car because of the massive tarp, probably a little after 8am, this was the view.  They were already scraping things down.

They had a running photo website throughout the day so we could keep up with the progress, literally from up on the roof.  The leak in our garage (the main thing that made us get it done--although a slight dip on the left side above the kitchen was concerning, too, but apparently that was nothing?) ended up being a pretty sizable hole.  They had to replace plywood along all of the edges front and back (darn you, ice dams), in the crevices on either side of the peak, and a good portion around the damage above the garage.  I don't think anything ended up unexpected, so I guess that's good.  They were cleaning up well into darkness that night, but it got done in one day.  Now we just hope it's flawless, right?  I don't have an after picture because we spent most of the week with snow on the roof and I keep forgetting to take a picture after my walks (finally back to a couple this week now that the snow is gone and the temperature rose a bit).  So, lots of money gone, but hopefully we'll be good for a long time now.

Wednesday was Jacob's first basketball game of the season.  We were very nervous because of his bum shin, and I sat there thinking I might not be able to watch him with any degree of sanity this season if there was any chance of it getting worse.  I was a bundle of nerves most of the game--and it didn't help when one of their opponents went down with what appeared to be a major injury.  We thought maybe it was an Achilles injury but it sounds like a broken ankle.  Ugh, what a horrible way to start the season.  It just broke my heart.  It's so scary sometimes. 

As expected, Jacob's team is not very good.  It became apparent very quickly that the bulk of their scoring is Jacob and the one other returning starter, Joe.  Most of the rest of the team were either last year's benchwarmers or JV call-ups, and there just isn't much scoring there, or really any basketball sense at all.  One kid has emerged as a decent third guy, but Craig estimates they're missing about 10-15 points compared to what they were averaging from the starters last year.  The defense just isn't there either, and we're thinking at the moment that they might not win a single game--especially since their usual "sure-thing" team just beat the team they lost to in the first game.  Yikes.  Jacob had a rough first half in the first game, but ended with 16.  I will say, it was so cool to see him as a captain talking to the refs before the game.

Game #2 was Friday as a part of the same tournament they played in the same weekend last year.  They got soundly destroyed in that one, and Jacob had 14 points.  He seems a bit hot and cold in general right now, most of which is probably his shin and not having played in games for a while, but made worse by being one of only two people worth covering.  He was heavily face-guarded in his first couple games, but even when he was open he wasn't getting passed to as much as he probably should.  None of the other three guys (no matter who else is out there) can really ball-handle very well, so it's always a risk to not be selfish.  It's pretty unfortunate, actually, because there's a fine line between being the clear best choice and looking selfish, especially if you miss shots you'd normally hit, so it opens the scorers up to a lot of criticism no matter what they do. 

Friday was also Craig's birthday.  He was busy all day with running Jacob around to appointments (as usual), as well as it being the day before a Knighthawks game.  We picked up dinner after Jacob's game and then gave him his presents - a cute Snoopy Squishmallow with a puffy winter coat (Carter's choice), a box of Dots, and an IOU offer to buy him a new wallet of his choice since his is falling apart.  I also managed to make him a cookie cake while I was home during the day, even though I did have to get frosting at the last minute, which meant we got to the game just in time. 

Jacob's third game on Saturday ended up being winnable, but somehow they just let it slip away.  He ended up with 23 points, which was really impressive considering he couldn't hit a three to save his life for most of the first half.  But he made a nice comeback, had a bunch of foul shots, and did what he could.  It was a disappointing loss, though.

 
Aside from all the sports, we didn't have a lot of other plans, but the weekend ended up a bit more complicated because Jacob decided sometime on Friday that he wants to get his bone cyst plate out now.  Originally the plan was to do it immediately after the season and recover in time for the peak of his travel season.  But between the pain (which isn't necessarily worse due to games but is annoying and limiting nonetheless), the importance of the travel season for recruiting, and his team being absolutely terrible and moving in a direction he doesn't love (on and off the court), I think he just decided that it wasn't worth waiting and he'd rather get to his fresh start now.  He did waffle a bit mid-weekend, maybe not coincidentally after a talk with his old coach.  Then he started thinking maybe he could keep playing, work on strengthening the muscles around it (assuming he could deal with the pain to make that happen--but it turns out his trainer doesn't think it would be possible), and still make it back for most of the travel season.  But the more we talk to people and consider the mental toll, it probably is best to just do it now.  And selfishly, it will cost way less right now than in will in a new insurance year.  

Obviously it impacts his team badly, although I guess it will be an interesting taste of reality for all the teammates who think he's a ball hog or insist that they're just as good.  I guess we'll see how they do--maybe this will bond them and force them to step up and work better together.  I feel bad for the one returning starter since he's a senior, and my heart's a little broken for Jacob to miss most of the season, but this has taken such a mental and physical toll on him that I think it's important to help him move forward as soon as possible.  Even if it doesn't work as expected, it's one less thing to have on the list and will hopefully narrow down any further treatments.  He's frustrated not playing at his peak and being in near-constant pain, and none of that is good for him.  I'm hoping that removing one element of stress will lighten that load a bit and help his other ongoing issues, too.  It's nervewracking for sure, even though he's been through anesthesia multiple times.  The risk of complications is always there.  It seems like such a big step, but he's been struggling for so long, and so many things seem to indicate that now is the right time, so we need to move forward.

So, that is scheduled to happen next week.  Yeah, I know...fast.  Part of me has definitely had to mourn the loss of this season.  He's taken off so much time since the summer and it felt like so long since I had seen him play.  I was really looking forward to this season, even if it was with a boatload of nerves and caution.  Basketball gets me through winter so much easier, so the thought of not having games to look forward to (at least not in the same way) is a bummer.  He might try to be a player-coach on the bench if possible, so we'll likely still go to at least some games.  I'll go if Craig is out of town since Jacob might need a ride, and if it's a school or game that intrigues me in some way, or I just want something to do for the evening, I'm still fine going.  It's just when it might be inconvenient that it gives me some added flexibility.  It'll be hard not seeing him out there, but I still want to support the team.  But it already felt a bit heartbreaking to watch him this weekend, knowing it was the beginning of the end.

Speaking of which, this brings up a whole other element for consideration.  If he's not playing for this team, at what point do we think about transferring him this year?  I mean, that's the goal for next year, and it's definitely not worth staying at this school just for the academics, so if we ever figure out where he can go for next year, it might make sense to make that switch sooner rather than later, if it helps us avoid any weirdness or penalties next year.  There's still a lot that might have to happen or would need to evolve to make that a bit more doable, but it's back on the radar.  Craig has a couple thoughts up his sleeve, but we still have a long way to go for any of that to come to fruition.  We need a solution soon, though.

So, we have two games left before the big day.  We're hoping he can rack up a few more points--his goal has always been 1,000, so missing most of a season makes that a little harder--and help his team to an elusive first win.  Keep him (and us) in your prayers--it's been a long hard road and I'm truly hoping this is the route to an easier one.