The Big 4-0

Well, it's here.  I'm officially 40.  I have no idea how that's possible.  I spent so much of my life being annoyed because I looked so young, and now I am firmly within the realm where I am very happy I don't look my age.  I shock most of the people who hear my age, and while I can't take much credit for it (good genes), I am thankful.

But the sheer number sort of shocks me, no matter what age I feel.  Sometimes I still feel like a 20-something, until I see a real 20-something, at which point I feel more like a low-to-mid-30-something.  I think part of that is that it took me a long time to get any respect because I looked so young, so I haven't really been treated as being older, ever.  Time has flown, though, so while the first 20 years of my life seemed to take forever, the last 20 have been so fast that I've nearly lost track of time.  Those of us of a certain age laugh when we realize that in just over a year, 1990 will be 30 years ago, not 10 or 20.  I've spent the last 10 years in particular completely wrapped up in my kids and my work, and as they say, the days are long but the years are short.  When I realize I've already been at my "new" job for over three years, it sort of blows my mind.  I'm already a third of the way to where I was at my old one.  When I think that it's been over 10 years since Craig and I took a solo vacation, I start to realize we might be missing out on the prime of life because of the busyness of life.  We're not getting any younger, and the remaining young years are going faster than we realize.  So, like I said in a previous post, I have a renewed appreciation for seizing the moment and trying to make the most of the time we have.  Even without some sort of tragedy to cut it shorter, it's still short enough!

As I was going through the 5,700 photos I scanned from my parents' albums, I kept looking at my relatives, though probably most of all my mom, as they passed through different ages.  Do they look older than I did at that age?  Was it just my perception, or was it the styles, or have we just changed the way we age?  I mean, even trying to look as objectively as possible at my parents vs. my grandparents at their respective 40th anniversaries, my grandparents looked so much older despite them being at similar ages.  I know that growing up in the post-depression era and going through WWII (and my grandpa being in it then coming home to a blue collar job), then raising six kids probably had an impact, but still...it's fascinating.  Similarly, here's my mom on her 40th birthday (which I remember quite vividly, mind you)…

I get it--the hair and the outfit were vintage 1990, and that's not helping my comparison.  Jacob says I look younger, but he also knows his grandma as an older person (much like I did with my grandparents which probably plays into my anniversary comparison above).  So, it's hard to tell.  But perhaps getting genes from two young-looking parents has given me a superpower! ;-)

Speaking of those albums, I thought we'd do a visual comparison of me at every decade.  Here I am at birth...

A bit worse for wear, but out after a very long labor!

My tenth birthday...

In the thick of the awkward phase...yay.

A few weeks shy of my 20th birthday...

With my friend Mike at my cousin's wedding reception.  It was the best picture I had of myself around that time.

On my 30th birthday (and yes, that was a big day for Jacob, too!)…

And today...

Ok, maybe that's not a fair comparison because good selfie angles and flattering lighting help!  So here's a pic from the other night at my Red Robin birthday dinner...which is probably closer to everyday me...

I know I've aged, but it's hard to tell exactly how.  Other than knowing I have more lines around my eyes, and that I'm closer to a double chin and yet my cheeks are hollowing out a little bit, at a glance in these pics I can't really tell what the real difference is.  And you know what, most of the time I'm totally fine with who I am.  Sure, I miss the thinner body I once had (the one I once hated, of course), but I had two kids with that body.  As long as I look okay in clothes (and okay enough without), I'm fine.  Heck, I'll take my 40-year-old self over my 10-year-old self any day!  Better with age, right?

Well, it was a pretty good day overall.  Started out the day with a run, then down time with the kids, then off to Buffalo for Craig's cousin's wedding this weekend.  She was our flower girl, so if I wasn't already feeling old today, that'll do it tomorrow.  She asked me to do a reading in the wedding so we came into town for the rehearsal.  Turns out they got me a cake and everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to me!  Add in 80+ Facebook messages and a few texts and it was a pretty good day!

The good news is that age is just a number and I don't feel 40.  I'll still marvel at the number, but it's starting out well nonetheless!

Emptying the Bucket

Oh, that summer bucket list.  It taunts us every year at this time, and we go into panic mode trying to cram in every fun activity and every family bonding experience that we can muster.  Camp is done, the days are getting shorter, Labor Day is almost here, and we're nearly out of time given our busy weekend ahead.  But we made some good headway in the past week or so!

Last week there was a nice night for a run, and I came home to the boys playing basketball, or at least some form of basketball with a dodge ball that gave Carter more of a chance to play.  I love this picture because the motion made ghost-like images in the fading light.  You almost can't even see Jacob in the middle--he's just a blur--and Craig is dunking on the left.  After I stretched following my run, I joined in and we had a rousing game.  Carter was defending me and he was hardcore!  He never took his eyes off my and followed my every move!  Jacob was in his glory with all of us playing together.

Last Friday we went out for ice cream at our favorite little place.  I am officially addicted to Gifford's Ice Cream.  Maine Deer Tracks is my favorite, maybe ever.  We used to go this place a couple times per summer after baseball, but since then it's been a struggle to get there even once in the summer, yet it's so worth it when we do!

Saturday we went out for kids eat free dinner at Uno, and I love the tongue-out effort that Carter's making to create his pizza!

After that we headed out to play mini golf at the place closest to us.  It just got rebranded, so we were interested to see what improvements had been made.  We had a very close golf game, but Craig had the game of his life and Carter was pretty good too, so they beat Jacob and me by two shots!  Jacob was pretty upset by the loss, until we went in and played in the arcade a bit.  They had a new basketball game, and he couldn't wait to try it.  One or two games in, he was getting rather close to beating the high score.  He was close enough that we let him try a couple more times, and once he got within two points of tying it!  He was so upset (but in a good way) that he didn't get it, but man, he was close!  Kid's got skills...we'll see how it goes come January!  He had so much fun trying to beat it that he's insisting it was his favorite thing that we've done all summer!  (Considering our travels and especially the Basketball Hall of Fame, perhaps next year we'll just spend $100 at the arcade and call it good.)

The rest of the weekend was a battle to get through my to do list.  I had some cleaning to do.  I needed to rearrange some things in the kitchen just to make enough room for extra lunch snacks for Carter, since I need to start packing his lunch (and want to use non-gluten-free items) next week.  I wanted to make Chex Mix.  I needed to install bedside lights (not hard-wired, but wall-mounted) that I've had since June.  Carter needed to do his project for his kindergarten meet-and-greet.  I needed to test out my dress for a wedding this weekend, and maybe test out curling my hair.  I had a giant list, and pushed as much as I could to complete it.  I didn't quite get there, but I did a ton--including stuff that wasn't even there, like yard work--trimming, weeding, and transplanting a section of hostas.  Oh, and we also did Kohl's, Walmart and Target trips to buy everything on our school supply lists, including Carter's backpack, lunch box, and straw cup.  The boys just had to get a photo on the red ball outside Target!

Considering one of my worst-ever memories was taking 5-year-old Jacob school shopping, these trips were heavenly.  The boys did well, and suddenly the thing that was hanging over our heads for weeks was done!

Jacob finished up camp last week, so this week he's off and we've been trying to give him some real "summer vacation" time.  It's not easy, though, because Craig has tight work deadlines and I'm in one of my busiest times of year and facing down four days off in a couple weeks.  I took off Tuesday and Wednesday, and we crammed those full.  

Tuesday is going to get its own post, but Wednesday's highlight was going to Lasertron with Jacob.  I did a Groupon a while back, figuring we could do some mother-son bonding there.  I had hoped to do something called Cybersport, which is like lacrosse and basketball combined, while on a moving vehicle, but our timing apparently stunk so we had to do two rounds of laser tag.  At first I wasn't so sure about it--and sure enough, I still stink at laser tag 25 years later--but we had a really good time.  The first game was a king of the hill game, and we ended up on separate teams, each with about four or five other people.  You had to capture bases around the arena, in addition to shooting people.  I was really bad at that one.  But four rounds went quickly, and it was a great workout!  Jacob did pretty well!  Our second game only had one other person, so it ended up being a solo game.  Instead of capturing bases, there were targets to shoot when we weren't getting each other.  That game I was good at!  I rocked the first round, and the other kid beat us in the next two.  Jacob wanted to call a truce in the third one and just go after him, and I relented even though it seemed a little mean--but he was killing us and I wanted Jacob to leave happy.  We all ended up within about 1,000 points of each other, but I emerged the victor!  We had a really good, very sweaty time, although my almost-40-year-old body let me know afterward that it was a workout!  We also had some arcade time, and I was excited to win the jackpot on Jacob's favorite pirate ship spinning wheel game!  We finished off the day with my birthday dinner at Red Robin, so it was a great day!

Oh, and I continued to check things off my to do list, including moving Jacob's keepsakes into a bigger bin, using dollar store bins to organize the kitchen cabinets in preparation for Carter's snacks, finishing installing the bedside lights, and reorganizing power strips and plugs to make our living room and bedroom setups more functional.  Some of this stuff has been a nagging pain for a while so it felt great to get it done!

Anyway, we've been trying our best to get in some family time before school starts next week, and I think we've been making a good effort.  We have a busy weekend ahead with a family wedding and a certain milestone birthday, but we still have a little bit of time before summer's unofficial end.  Wasn't it just Memorial Day?!  Sigh.  Every year.

But before summer's end, stay tuned for the post about Tuesday's fun day...and maybe some thoughts on that milestone birthday...that's starting in about five minutes...

That time of year...

I know this is probably nearly an annual post from me, but I can't help it--this time of year makes me so nostalgic.  And now that I work at a university, college move-in day is even more of a thing and brings out all of the emotions associated with those four move-in days I had--but mostly the first one.

Two years ago I posted photos of pictures in an album my mom gave me from that freshman drop-off.  Now that they're nicely scanned, here they are again...

Packed up and ready to go...but rather unhappy about it!

In my room...and still unhappy!

Meeting Mary for the first time

That's 22 years ago tomorrow, folks.  HOW?!  It was a life-changing day, no doubt.  And when I think of the kids who moved in to RIT yesterday, U of R Monday (international) and today (domestic), and will be moving in to Geneseo on Friday, I can't help but be a little jealous and a little in awe of the amazingness of that stage in life where the real deal is about to begin.  You meet friends for life, maybe a spouse, and you get on the path to your career (or at least your first job).  And when you go away, it's your first real shot to prove you can do this on your own (enough, anyway).  I know I grew up a ton.  I feel like most kids coming in have no idea just how lucky they are right now to have this opportunity in front of them.

I laughed a bit to myself as I thought of kids waking up on their first morning after their first night on campus.  I don't remember mine specifically, but I'm sure there was a feeling of, "Holy cow, this is happening.  I live here now."  On one hand it was a little overwhelming and on the other it held endless possibilities.  We spent that first day taking a shuttle to the mall, which despite being sort of cheesy was a good opportunity to get to know people better.  But what made me laugh today was the thought of how many kids didn't get themselves up in time for dining hall breakfast and found themselves snacking on crap or stuck until lunch.  When no one is there to tell you to get up, I guess that's step one of adulting to do it yourself, even if you don't have to!  I don't know, it just made me smile to think of anyone learning that lesson this week.

On Sunday when we were walking around the Mercyhurst campus, we saw a number of students moving in, many with the help of their parents.  It struck me as we watched them that that could be us this week in eight more years.  It's hard to believe it's that close--particularly since eight years the other way has gone pretty quickly.  Who knows where we'll be by then.  Hopefully we're off to some college somewhere--and hopefully it's not some epic roadtrip, but it could be.  Jacob has mentioned Wisconsin, USC, Villanova, Duke, and countless other colleges in recent months, so we might have our work cut out for us.  Knowing all we've been through with him, college would be a great milestone, but also knowing all we've been through with him, it terrifies me to no end.  He's a smart kid but his motivation can be a bit inconsistent.  He can barely keep his room livable and he can never remember to take his ADHD medicine, which could be disastrous in many ways.  Yes, we still have eight years to work on life skills and I think private school next year will be a huge step to helping him through that process.

Oh, have I talked about that much here?  Catholic high schools start in 6th grade here, and given our iffy school district we'd always discussed it as a possibility, particularly since Craig went to one.  The cost is high and I did just fine in public schools, but everyone is different and we figured if we thought one was needed by the time we got to this point, we'd consider it.  So, that time is now and we have six months to figure it out.  I'm not even sure if it's possible with transportation issues or Craig's job situation, but more than likely it's happening because Jacob will probably go on strike if it doesn't!  It'll be a huge step up academically from where he's been.  I don't think the content will be an issue, but the homework might be since he hasn't had a lot of that thus far.  I think the setting will be good for him, though, and knowing college isn't as far away as we think, perhaps the time is now to start preparing.

Today I can't help but think of where I was 22 years ago, or the three years that followed.  Those latter three years were actually great (aside from the going back to school part) because I knew who I was living with, I had handpicked my room, and I was a little more of a pro at everything.  In its own way it was like going home, and that was pretty special, too.  It's why driving back into Geneseo still always feels like home.  I never fit in better anywhere else in my life, and I'm excited for the kids today who are about to discover that same part of themselves that they didn't know existed.  Oh, to be young again.

Ever hear that saying, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened"?  I think that's exactly how I feel this time of year.  I'm nostalgic for that time and would give almost anything to hop in a time machine and do it all over again.  But how can I be anything but thankful that I have those memories to look back on?  It was truly special.  And before we know it, we'll be living vicariously through our own kids as they start on that same journey.  For now I can only hope and pray it's as awesome for them as it was for me.

Wedding Weekend!

I absolutely could not wait for my three-day weekend.  I had pinpointed this past Friday as a day off early in the summer, as we get a couple bonus Fridays off at work. Since we had an out-of-town wedding for the following Saturday, it made sense.  In a perfect world I suppose we would have dropped the kids off on Thursday night or Friday morning and made a full weekend of it, but in the end I made very good use of Friday and had a fabulous rest of the weekend, too!

Much to my dismay, I had to get up early on Friday.  Not only did I need to pack Jacob's lunch and make sure he and Craig got off to a last-minute 8:45am dentist appointment, but I needed to get Carter off to daycare at a reasonable time and fit in an allergy shot (that I forgot to wake up early enough to get on Tuesday) and register the kids for the afterschool program before the deadline at noon.  To be fair, I looked at the website back in mid-to-late July and the new forms weren't up yet.  Then I got an email early last week saying that the deadline was Friday, so it's not like it was a huge window.  But anyway, it appeared a lot of other people were in the same boat because I got in just before a mad rush!  Anyway, I did all that and got home by mid-morning.  I went out for a run even though it was super humid, and despite showering immediately, I spent about two hours in the A/C still sweating.  I closed out an old bank account (been meaning to do that for months) and waited patiently for the call I was supposed to get from the school principal in response to my email about Carter's teacher.  When that didn't come, I made some lunch and puttered around the house a bit, mostly packing up for the weekend away.

I finally chatted with the principal, who absolutely understood my concerns.  By her request I can't really get into it, but suffice it to say we have a very acceptable solution and I am now very much looking forward to the year.  I alluded to it in my last post, but this whole thing made me very uncomfortable--not just because it sucks to have to be "that parent" (and she did note that many parents request changes for "lighter" reasons), but because it sort of feels like "playing God" with your kid's education.  I'm a very big proponent for things happening for a reason and for finding the good in it, so doing anything to change Carter's fate (or, God forbid, someone else's) freaks me out a bit.  But, maybe this is all how it was meant to be anyway.  Regardless, problem solved.

After that I had to run out to Aldi for bread and stopped at Wegmans to get a wedding card, then I picked up Carter, stopped home to Craig and Jacob, and then ran out again to Kohl's to see if I could use my $5 birthday credit.  I ended up getting a shirt for Jacob, two shirts and swim trunks for Carter, and a pair of checkered capris (!) for myself...that I now think are going back because I don't have enough tops to go with them. Boo. :(  Once I got home I made dinner and finished packing, and then we were off to Buffalo!  We all slept there overnight, then Craig and I left a little before 11am to go to Erie, PA, for his cousin's wedding.  We were quite excited to have about 30 hours with no kids, including an overnight.  It's been a while!

We could actually have normal adult conversations on the way there, and could eat lunch wherever we wanted--well, as long as it was quick since we were a little short on time.  We opted for Steak 'n' Shake's drive-thru...yum!  We changed into our wedding clothes in Craig's parents' hotel room, then were off to the ceremony around the corner from the hotel.

It was a really nice ceremony for a gorgeous, sweet couple.  The priest told a touching story about a couple who visited the church on their 50th anniversary last year and did an impromptu renewing of their vows--coincidentally to the minute.  They'd been through a lot--the death of a child and the husband's stroke--and he told of how sweetly the wife helped her husband through the vow renewal.  It was a good reminder of this journey we're on as married folks.  It's never quite what you expect, but there is something special about sticking it out together.  Now that we've been at this for 15 years it seems pretty significant, especially when you see a couple starting at day one!

Such a pretty fountain in the courtyard of the church!  (Hey, at least I spared you the artsy picture of the stained glass window!)

 Back at the hotel we checked in and marveled at our balcony with a view!

Craig heard people jumping in the pool at 2:30am...but somehow I slept through it!

Too bad we didn't bring alcohol with us--we could have enjoyed a drink out there!

The reception was in the same hotel and it was lovely.  We had a blast with Craig's family, as well as one of his old friends who was a groomsman in our wedding.  He's actually the lacrosse coach at Mercyhurst University, Craig's alma mater, and coached the groom when he went there.  There was a lot of reminiscing going on at our table!

Cupcakes!  I ate a double chocolate one that night and had one with yellow cake and chocolate frosting (and chocolate curls and caramel filling) on Monday night...so good!

Lucas and Stephanie, the happy couple!

They gathered up all of the Mercyhurst grads for a picture - Craig is on the left.  His brother and two cousins are there, as well!

The rest of the night on the dance floor was so much fun.  Dancing with aunts and cousins (and yes, Craig) was awesome!  The groom's grandmother on his dad's side is in her 80s and was out there half the night (and could still walk the next morning)!  His uncle (who will be a father of the bride in two weeks) was also another unlikely dance maniac.  We ate and drank just enough to make the most of it but not enough to ruin it (perfect!), and retired to our room (alone!) after the reception ended.  Apparently lots of people went out for a nightcap in the bar downstairs and then across the street, but us old folks needed our sleep!  We were up in time for the hotel breakfast (complete with more family bonding), and then it was time to go.  The best part of all of the fun?  Knowing we get to do it all over again for another cousin in two weeks!

We had thoughts of going to the Erie Seawolves game, but that didn't work out so we ventured out to Presque Isle and stopped at the lighthouse.

Craig wanted to hit up the store at Mercyhurst, and I wanted to go to Cici's Pizza (since ours is long closed and there are no other close ones), so we headed to Cici's for lunch and then killed some time on campus (walking off our pizza) until the store was supposed to open...but of course because of move-in weekend it ended up being closed all day.  Bummer.  Still, it made for a pretty walk!

It was good to get back to the boys (who did awesomely with my parents), but I was pretty much spent for the rest of the day once we got home.  It wasn't even the drinking or a late night--I apparently just need to drug myself when I sleep away from home now, because two nights of light sleep are killer!  Is this what being on the cusp of 40 is like?

So, in two weeks we get to do it again, this time in Buffalo.  I just found out I'm doing a reading, which is a little stressful but absolutely appropriate since the bride was our flower girl!  So one day I'll turn 40 and the next day I'll see our flower girl get married!  If that wasn't enough, we have a crazy few weeks ahead - camp ends this week so Jacob's off starting Monday and we're splitting coverage.  In the meantime, work is crazy and I have no idea how I'm going to balance it with quality time with the kids.  Then school starts and shortly after that I'm off to North Carolina for five days!  Hard to believe we're going to be able to cram it all in, but it's happening!

Mama Bear and the Kindergarten Blues

Kindergarten hasn't even started yet, and already my mama bear guard is up.

On Wednesday Carter's school packet arrived with his teacher assignment.  We'd been eagerly anticipating its arrival with the hope that he'd either get Jacob's second grade teacher who just switched grades, or Mrs. V., the teacher that our friend who works in the building thought would be a good fit.  I think there were two others that we didn't know much about, but I was open to them too, as I really hadn't heard anything bad about any of them.  The only one we didn't want was the teacher Jacob had.  And now I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Jacob was with me when I grabbed the mail, and he stood by eagerly as I flipped through the packet to find the assignment.  I finally pulled it out and instantly deflated as I spotted the name...of Jacob's former teacher.  Nooooooo.  Not again.

Here's the thing.  I absolutely understand that every kid is different and she might be a better fit for Carter than she was for Jacob.  They are, after all, two completely different kids in so many ways.  However, I have no illusion that Kindergarten is going to be a smooth ride for Carter.  I mean, it might be better than it was for Jacob, only because I'm not sure we're dealing with ADHD this time around so we might avoid the barrage of evaluations.  Rather, I expect to have the "typical" Kindergarten boy experience, which is to say that I had the girl experience myself and that was quite smooth, but the boy experience seems to be that it will take some time for him to settle down, get used to very little playtime, and adjust to homework, reading, and writing.  Carter is not as academically inclined as Jacob was, and has possibly less tolerance for doing something he's not good at.  Jacob simply couldn't focus...but Carter won't even give the activity a chance if he's uncomfortable with it.  So I can see that being our challenge this time around.  And this is not the teacher to have for a kid that won't conform.

In case you don't recall, we had a rough go in Kindergarten.  We started just as Jacob's worst behaviors and meltdowns were ramping up, maybe a month in.  Jacob was also (unbeknownst to us) dealing with the early stages of his Celiac Disease.  It was in early September that we asked the doctor for bloodwork to determine if one of his levels was off, in case it was causing the sudden shift in behavior.  Carter was six months old by then, so we didn't directly associate the two.  Then, less than a week into the school year, we went to Disney.  The timing wasn't ideal but Craig's parents were taking care of everything and our options were limited.  We got the call about the preliminary Celiac diagnosis when we were there, so upon our return we went through a few months of doctor's appointments and transition with his diet.  By then we were getting repeated reports of him not being able to follow directions, pay attention, or stop distracting others, and by his parent-teacher conference in December I ended up in tears because I'd never had one where I wasn't hearing at least some good things about him.  The teacher was at a loss, and almost looking to us to help her--but of course, we were having worse issues at home so I didn't know what to tell her.  No matter how much we talked to him in the evenings, she still needed a plan to manage him during the day.  She opted for a cardboard "office" or sitting in the corner, and she used (with the help of the school counselor) a visual checklist for him at the beginning of the day to help with puting away his things and getting settled.  Even with all of that, plus the beginning of external counseling, it never ended up being a great year.  He never liked his teacher.  I think she just never figured out how to connect with him.  His next two teachers, though dealing with the same issues, did manage to find ways to gain his respect and cooperation, and always told me what a great kid he was.  So I know it was possible, but his Kindergarten teacher was just barking up the wrong tree.

So, upon seeing her name in our packet, I immediately felt defeated.  Here I was, looking forward to a more "normal" Kindergarten experience, and all I could think about was how I wanted to keep any interaction with her to a complete minimum.  I didn't like seeing her at orientation, let alone the thought of having to talk to her and email her.  I honestly don't trust her and will have a very hard time being impartial and giving her the benefit of the doubt if things start going south with Carter.  She couldn't see the good in my kid once, so why would I assume she will this time?  And what are the odds she'll let her experiences with Jacob cloud her judgment of him?  Will she assume he's the same before she really gets to know him?  And if he does misbehave, will we be right back in the same spot?  I guess I'm just not willing to find out.  Knowing this, I'm pretty sure I even mentioned in paperwork at one point that I would prefer Carter not have her, as our experience was not good last time.  I could be wrong, but I feel like I remember writing it at some point.

What bugs me about all of this is that I'm not normally "that parent".  I try very hard not to blame teachers or coddle my kids.  Even in the midst of Jacob having serious teacher issues last year--ones that made him not want to go to school--I didn't ask for a change.  I know it's a delicate balance and they try really hard to set up the classrooms with the right mix of kids, then assign them all to the right teacher.  The last thing I want to do is ruffle feathers.  In my frustration I posted about it on Facebook, and immediately a legion of friends told me (in no uncertain terms) that I need to pursue it.  Most of these friends were teachers or school administrators, too--and the rest were veteran parents--and literally no one said to let it go.  I know Facebook tends to be a place that prefers action, but the overwhelming response from knowledgeable people convinced me it was at least worth an email to the principal.  So, in true Amy fashion I agonized over one for a couple hours that night, trying to find the right balance between my acknowledgment of their monumental task and laying out our past experience and how we're concerned it will play into our present.  All you can do is try, right?

Yesterday I came home to a message from the school saying that the principal was looking into it and would call me at a certain time on Friday.  So now we wait.  Being an advocate does not come naturally to me, even though I've had to do it a bunch now.  I don't like stirring up trouble--in fact, it feels a little like "playing God" to be attempting an impact this large--but Kindergarten is far too important for any of us to feel compromised in some way.  It's the base of everything you learn from then on, and it sets the tone.  Normally I'm a fan of the familiar, but in this case I feel very strongly that a fresh start is needed.  I fear they'll just try to convince me that the resources are there to ensure Carter will be fine no matter what, but I'm hoping they understand that there's more to it than that.  It's a trust issue--I don't trust her, and I honestly don't trust myself to stay positive.  I don't want to undermine the work a teacher is doing, and I just know that my attitude (no matter how deep I try to bury it) will still come through somehow.  Jacob is even worse, honestly, and I can't let any of that rub off on Carter.  He needs to buy into Kindergarten completely and think his teacher is the best thing ever.  I'm not that good of a faker, so I hope we get a new one so none of us know any better!

I guess this story is to be continued...

A Different Kind of Family Fun Weekend

The last couple weekends we've focused on trying to fit in all of those summer bucket list items we're usually scrambling to do this time of year, once the majority of the travel weekends have passed and we finally have a little breathing room.  This year's been a weird one, because even once travel lacrosse ended, I had three showers to attend, and now we have two weddings coming up.  We still haven't fit in Jacob's birthday party, which is KILLING me, but we did manage to get in some mini golf, pre-Kindergarten Carter time, and a trip to the drive-in.

This past weekend was a different type of family fun weekend, as it focused more on extended family than our little foursome.  It was one of those weekends where I came home energized and just completely content after some classic family time.  Of course, then I woke up this morning still feeling full and bloated and probably dehydrated and sleep-deprived.  While that energy wore off quickly, it was still a good weekend.

Friday was pretty low key.  I was determined to get in a run on a gorgeous night, so we rushed through dinner as much as possible and I went out for a hard-fought but pleasant run.  I was tired for most of it, but I was enjoying the evening so much that I pushed through for an extra mile or so.  I was less than a quarter-mile from home and took a detour around another block!  I walked part of it, but it was still probably close to 3/4 mile more running.  The boys were suddenly eager for outside time when I got home, and as I chilled on the porch watching Jacob shoot hoops and Carter run around, I got about 10 mosquito bites.  Darn it.  They're brutal, too.  But it was a nice night and an uneventful bedtime.

Saturday we were aiming to get on the road by 11ish, but it ended up a little later.  We wanted to go to Buffalo, grab some lunch, and visit the outlet mall in Niagara Falls to pick up some stuff for Jacob.  He's outgrown his golf shirts and wanted to look at sneakers, and in the end we got some good deals on a few things for him--though no shoes.  Boo.  I was also oddly excited about finding the exact pair of jeans I've been wanting (super skinny jeans in a lighter wash, no distressing) for $12 at the Old Navy outlet.  The highlight of that store for me--besides the great find--was a discussion with a sales clerk who tried to recommend high-waisted jeans to me, and I emphatically told him no because I lived through them the first time around and it did not go well then, either.  He laughed and realized we must be close in age (he was 45), and then admitted it's a tough fit.  Turning 40 isn't ideal, but being able to know a crappy fashion trend when you see it come back is a nice perk of age!

We were there a lot later than planned, which ended up messing up our plan to go to the Bisons game with my parents, but the good news was that it meant we got to spend more time with my brother, niece, and nephew, who were in town!  The kids played in the yard and were actually mostly well-behaved together.  I even unearthed my parents' old Family Feud board game for Jacob, who's been obsessed with that game lately.  One more thing home with us, but I think he'll enjoy it--and it's much more PG than the digital version he's been trying to play!  Because of the full house, the four of us holed up in the basement for the night.  There's a finished rec room down there, and for whatever reason, Jacob and I were on the air mattress and Carter and Craig each took sleeping bags on the floor.  Craig totally had other options, but he chose that one.  Despite the air mattress being comfortable (same one I slept on in our basement when it was 90 degrees in the house when I was pregnant with Jacob), Jacob and I both had trouble sleeping.  Luckily adrenaline pushed me though in the morning!

Sunday was a big day--my cousin's baby girl's baptism!  Emmy is the sweetest thing, and the whole family was really pumped up to celebrate her properly!  We started out at the church, which was the church I grew up in and got married in.  My parents left a number of years ago, and it's basically been hanging on by a thread for a long time.  The school closed a few years ago, which still breaks my heart, and it was very hard sitting in a mostly empty, very large church where no one except baptism attendees seemed to be younger than 40.  Once upon a time that church was full for one service and probably half to 2/3 full for another.  A once-full Sunday School is basically down to nothing, and an entire school building sits empty.  They've lost a pastor or two since the longtime pastor I grew up with was forced out (long story), and as much as it was familiar, so much felt foreign.  But it was good to see some familiar faces, and the baptism was lovely.  Emmy was so content!

We had some time after church to hang out and eat some lunch at home, and then my mom and Jacob and I took a walk to an open house down the street.  It's a smaller house and I think my mom just wanted to check if it was a downsizing option.  It was pretty small and probably not ideal, but it was fun to see anyway because it had a great yard and an endless basement!  They also cut a laundry chute into the bottom of one side of their master bath vanity...genius!

We headed off to the party after that.  It was a gorgeous day--warm in the sun, but generally really nice.  My aunt and uncle hosted at the family homestead (their current house that was my grandparents'), and we had a really great time.  There was lots of tasty food and great company!  Uncle Jeff always likes to get the kids hopping for scratch-offs (I know, but it makes them braver to try new things!), and our kids actually did quite well upon scratching!  There was a kid obstacle course, and Jacob beat everyone with a 13-second time!  I was eventually goaded into doing it, and I set the adult record with 15.9 seconds or something in that realm.  Not too shabby!  Gained some cred with my kid, if nothing else!  Later on Jacob and I also had a very competitive game of Kan-Jam, which was invented right in my hometown by a teacher at my high school!

I have to share a picture of the cake because it was gorgeous (and huge)!  The same cake maker did our wedding cake, and not only is her work amazing, but it is so good!  Our frozen topper tasted as good a year later as it did on that day!

The kids had a fun time together, which was nice, and after a long day I finally got some time with the guest of honor!

OK, well, my mom had her first...

She was a bit fussy--maybe from the busy day or usual baby stuff--and it took a bit for her to get a little rest.  Kate tried to help with that...

But every few minutes, Emmy would wake back up...

Finally I got to hold her, and off she went...

I mean....c'mon.  Pure sweetness.

Craig took this picture of me with her, and it was so cute how she had her fingers entwined in my necklace...

When it was time for us to go, Kate took her back, and I couldn't resist capturing the cheeks!

Oh, and in the middle of all of this, we discovered that my dad, his two brothers, and one of his sisters have the same birthmark on the back of their neck that their father did.  We're not sure about my uncle that passed away many years ago, or why my one aunt is the only one without it, but it was fascinating!

Carter and Max had one last hurrah on the hammock as we were saying goodbye...

And then we were off.  I was full of food, but content after a very good weekend of family time.  But this morning when I woke up, I still felt full.  Ick.  I think it was a combination of too much food, a little alcohol (only two beers and a shot of schnapps), the heat, and a previous rough night of sleep.  A couple bottles of water in the middle and a decent night of sleep last night were no match, apparently.  It made for a long day, but I'm feeling mostly back to normal now.  It was a great weekend, though, and another good one is ahead!

This is (Almost) 40

So, my 40th birthday is just a few weeks away.  I think I'm keeping good perspective on it, all things considered.  I know that I look younger than 40, and like I said previously, my 30s were all about my kids so it's not like I'm saying goodbye to some crazy party version of myself.  I appreciate the wisdom that comes with age and while the number sounds a little intimidating, it's fine.  Most of my friends have seen their big day come and go, and heck, Craig's was over five years ago...so I know it's merely a date on the calendar and a number that doesn't necessarily define me.  Ask me again on August 30, but for now, I'm okay.

However, starting a new decade, particularly one that seems quite middle-aged (or even toward the back end of that era) definitely brings with it some perspective.  I think I mentioned before that it struck me as I was scanning photos of my aunt and uncle's 40th birthday that the 31 years since then didn't seem so long ago, but suddenly now as the then-40-year-old man is no longer with us, it's a stark reminder that we may not have as many years to work with as we think, and also that the years we have go fast.  It just sort of renews that "no time like the present" feeling, and I think that's been pushing me over the last couple weeks to rectify a few things.

A few weeks back I went to try on a couple dresses that I had in mind to wear for a wedding next week.  I knew it had been a rough winter and spring, but when one of my favorite dresses almost wouldn't zip up (and was really uncomfortable on), I freaked out a bit.  I was sick for a good portion of the fall and winter, and our schedule just got crazy by spring, so working out just wasn't happening.  Even with an elliptical in our basement, by the time I got home, finished dinner, and sat down for a little bit to decompress, suddenly it was bedtime and I had either missed my window to work out or I'd have to do it after bedtime, which isn't my favorite.  I don't think I'd gained a lot of weight--maybe a few pounds, I never checked--but I'm sure I lost muscle and I know that my body had an ever-so-slight added layer of fat all around.  Nothing noticeable, really, but I think it's just that subtle aging thing that eventually leads to batwing arms and a belly pooch no matter how skinny you are.  But in my case I think I had gained just enough in the upper body that the zipper wouldn't go.  And when I tried on another, more stretchy dress and I wasn't thrilled with how it looked, I decided drastic action was needed.  So, ever since I've been aiming to be legitimately active about five days per week.  Some days that's actual exercise, like a run or elliptical session.  Others it's been yard work, or running around and climbing a playground with Carter, or shooting some hoops with Jacob.  I've also tried harder to watch what I eat.  My weight the other day was around where it had been for a few years, and considering I've probably built up more muscle, that's probably a good sign.  I haven't tried the dress on again.  It probably still won't fit right, which might be discouraging, but I'm going to keep at it as much as I can, for as long as I can.

The thing is, no matter what the scale says, I feel better--about my myself and in my energy level. That's not to say I don't have moments, but I do feel the difference in my self-worth when I'm active.  I feel stronger and more productive, and I really do think that the energy that results from a good workout keeps me more active in the evenings.  It's really just getting out of my chair in the first place that's the challenge!  But then I think about the dress, and how good it feels once I do it, and I get it done.  It feels great afterward.  I know I won't be able to sustain this--it involves sacrifice and a bit of selfishness, which isn't ideal long term, and as the weather changes I won't have as much variety so the motivation may decrease a bit.  But for now I'm going to do what I can to keep it up.

I've also been trying to organize my life and keep up with things a bit better.  I can't say I've been super successful, but I'm trying to be mindful of starting to get rid of stuff and keeping the clutter to a minimum around my house.  It's not easy, but even just a half hour of organizing every week can work wonders.  I don't know what it is, but clutter really does get to me now.  When there are piles covering every surface, I just can't deal.  Usually it will annoy me to no end, and when I finally hit a breaking point I immediately MUST go through it.  Usually that leads to a number of other decluttering sessions, and eventually the house looks like like it's ready for Hoarders.  Last weekend I did a much overdue photo session with the kids' artwork, and I now have two neat piles of keepsakes that need to go to their bins.  The dining room table was a wreck, with the big sticking point being a prize I won at a shower a few weeks back.  I was one of the last people picked, and all that was left was a lighted centerpiece or a baby-themed basket.  Centerpiece it is!  Well, it was completely not my style.  It had a glass plate base, with a frosted glass platform, then a clear glass hurricane that held some river rocks and a battery-operated candle.  It was all encircled with greenery and hot pink and white flowers, and I had no idea what to do with it.  It was pretty tacky, to be honest.  But when I took off all of the flowers and greenery, suddenly it was just down to the glass, the rocks, and the candle, and it wasn't so bad.  And when I redid some of my decor from patriotic to an end-of-summer look, I added some beach glass to the platform piece, and voila...it works just fine on the shelf on top of our entry bench!  Storing it will be a bear, but maybe I can make it work for other seasons?

Little stuff like that--making things more accessible to use, clearing out stuff we don't, or just finding a solution for something that's bugging me--really helps me mentally these days.  A few weeks back, after I got my Instant Pot and realized it fit nowhere in my kitchen, I did some reworking to move some extra water bottles to places where they wouldn't get in my way all the time, using smaller spots in our main dish cabinets that I basically never realized weren't being used!  I know we have too much stuff, and I really do need to start getting rid of it.  For a while I fantasized about doing a yard sale and getting some cash for it, but the work involved would be immense and I know that when it's gone, I really won't think twice.  I would like to try to do consignment for some of the kids' stuff, but that project is completely overwhelming still.  As much as I know we're done, I have a couple ridiculous scenarios in my head that still prevent me from being 100% okay with getting rid of everything.  But the day that section of the crawl space is clear?  Holy cow.

I really do need to go through the toys and books, not to mention the linen closet.  Jacob's closet could probably use another once-over, and I'm probably close to the point where I could do another reasonable purge of older stuff from my closet.  It really never ends.  I know it's healthier for all of us, but it takes time and energy and a willingness to let go of sentimentality, none of which are strong suits around our house.  I have time off coming up because Jacob's camp ends in a couple weeks and we'll have to cover about seven days before school starts, so maybe we can work through a few things then, in little bits and pieces!

Oh, and speaking of the Instant Pot, I got a good deal on it and I'm trying to work it into our rotation to make things a bit easier for me.  I'm not a hardcore user like some people who try to integrate it into every meal, but it is making me a little more adventurous.  I bought Jasmine rice, for pete's sake!  I haven't done it in the pot yet, but I did try it on the stovetop with a honey bourbon chicken recipe I did in the pot, and it was just like Chinese take-out rice!  Jacob's liked the two new things I've tried (Carter not so much), and corn on the cob was a snap!

As a side note, I can tell I'm getting grumpy in my old age because the Instant Pot Facebook groups that a friend encouraged me to join made me so nuts I had to "snooze" two of the three because the repeated stupid questions made me crazy.  If people would just read a few days back, they'd probably find their question answered.  Or maybe even pick up the instruction manual?  Or look on Pinterest?  I think people are way overthinking it and trying to work miracles, and it just doesn't have to be that complicated!

Anyway, lately I've just felt like I'm taking a little control of my own life again and trying to actively fix whatever might be bugging me.  It's empowering.  I know that some of the forward progress might be in baby steps, but that's just fine.  As long as I'm moving in the right direction, it's fine.  Whether it's my impending birthday driving it, or just a lower tolerance for B.S. as I age, I don't know...but either way I think it's a good thing.