On Race

Full disclosure: I wrote most of this post three months ago, just as Jacob's last basketball season was ending.  I didn't feel it was quite finished and for obvious reasons I was nervous to post it.  And then it just felt inappropriate once the coronavirus took over life as we know it.  But given the events of the past few days, where a black man in Minneapolis was killed by bad cops (including one who kneeled on his neck for a significant period of time), and then a mob destroyed part of the city rioting in response, made me pull it back out and take another go at it.  So bear with me--and trust that the back story is important:

Jacob's journey into basketball has had some unexpected side effects--lots of busy evenings, exploring new parts of Rochester, getting to know new people, watching sports without planning around the weather--but the one that seems to be resonating with me the most these days is the extra diverse world it has launched us into.

Here's the thing--I was debating writing this post at the risk of it coming off the wrong way.  It's happened before here, after all.  This is clearly a divisive subject and I don't want to come off sounding racist or naive or elitist.  I want to come at it from a place of honesty, as a human work in progress...because as ridiculous as it sounds at age 41, this is all pretty new to me.

I grew up in the whitest of white suburbs.  Not necessarily a rich one, but a white one.  We still had the rich areas and we had "the other side of the tracks", but everyone was white.  While I thought we were somewhere in the middle, I know that there were some kids who would have quickly labeled me "rich" based solely on our neighborhood.  We didn't live a fancy lifestyle but we had a nice, newish, 1800 square foot colonial in a neighborhood that featured some 2000+ square foot houses, mostly courtesy of the builders and their relatives, who built their own nice homes in the neighborhood when it was new.  But most of the houses were pretty similar, along the lines of 1980s nice-but-modest colonials, and while I never felt rich, I know our big green yards and ubiquitous sidewalks were a step up from some parts of the city.  But like I said, it was all very, very white.  Heck, even about 10 years ago I did a demographics search of my old zip code through some work software, and the stats even then showed a white percentage in the high 90s.  I recall approximately two black kids in my high school of about 1600.  I'm sure there were some Hispanic kids, but I feel like most of those were still solid suburbanites, at least 2nd generation.  One of the black kids in the school was a free-spirited girl in my class.  We definitely ran in different circles, though.  The other was a sizable kid, possibly a year or two older, who transferred into the school mid-year, supposedly after having troubles elsewhere.  No big surprise, he transferred back out pretty quickly, no doubt because it was a bit of a hostile environment where he didn't seem to fit in.

This begs the question...Was the town racist?  I probably would have said no at the time, but now I'm pretty sure racism was horribly rampant.  I never remember witnessing anything too obvious, but I know it was happening.  I don't know how much of it came from straight-up hate, though.  I mean, it probably came out that way, but hear me out: I truly feel like most of it was a simple lack of knowledge and experience.  When you're coming from a long legacy of white people who grew up among pervasive racism in previous decades, and no one's really had much opportunity to be exposed to people of color who could change their mind, I think it's hard to actively get out of that mindset.  It seems simple enough to treat other humans as humans, but when stereotypes are passed down as fact, it impacts your entire perspective growing up.  And if you never know someone who breaks that stereotype, you may never even take the time consider that it's not true.  I literally never really thought much about race until I got to college because I never had to.

Anyway, I never knew why we didn't have black families in town, but I have a feeling that much like that kid at school, anyone that tried to come in may not have stayed long anyway.  These days the city is much more diverse, to the point I see kids of color walking down the street almost every time I visit.  I'm honestly not sure what prompted the change or what impact it has had on the city, but I'm guessing it's a bit of a mixed bag given the number of holdovers from my era.

I had a few non-white friends in college, which was a new experience for me.  And trust me, it was thought-provoking at the time, trying to clear out preconceptions and realize that despite different backgrounds we were all just a bunch of college kids figuring life out.  Sadly, it probably took until my second real job to make another black friend, and then I made another when she was my trainer at the gym.  But even my current job is mostly white, so exposure has still been harder to come by in my daily life.  As a result, sometimes my interactions still feel unnatural.  Part of me wonders if I'm  holding on to some sort of implicit bias that makes me subconsciously assume things about them, right down to wondering if they just see me as some clueless, privileged white girl.  Sorry, I'm an overthinker....this is just where it goes.  I'm like that with pretty much everyone in some way, honestly, regardless of race.

On the other hand, we currently live in a super diverse suburb.  My kids have almost always grown up with a rainbow of kids in their class.  It amazes me to see the class list each year, with a variety of ethnic names, and then to see the diverse faces and cultures upon visiting the classroom.  I love that this is how my kids are growing up, because it's definitely something I didn't have.  I'd much rather diversity be their norm, as picking it up later in life has its pitfalls (see above).  Even as a more-educated adult I've had my moments.  A couple years ago three of our neighboring houses were sold.  Our neighborhood always seemed predominantly white, and then families of color moved into all three houses.  For a moment I let a terrible stereotype enter my mind, recalling that past generations have often blamed the downfall of cities on people of color moving in.  Was this some sort of turning point?  Of course it wasn't, but it crossed my mind.  The mom and son next door (who Carter played with for a summer) have since moved, and I'm a bit concerned about one of the other families as their house has been in pre-foreclosure (per Zillow) since last summer.  But the family across the street has been a blessing, as they have kids around Carter's age and he loves playing over there.  The kids are together at the bus stop and were at the afterschool program, too, until the dad started working from home a while back.  But they're great neighbors and I love that Carter has friends nearby...or at least will again once social distancing is over.

Jacob has also always had a diverse group of friends through school, from a kid from Nepal early on to a couple black best friends over his last couple years of elementary school.  The good news about his current school is that it's one of the more diverse private schools you'll find.  In that way, he's really comfortable there.  But the real turning point was basketball.  Last summer on his first summer basketball team at the gym he trains at, he was the only white kid on his team and he loved it.  He felt right at home.  As you can imagine, though, that left us as the minority in the crowd, which is a pretty rare feeling in my world.  Not bad, just different.  Although, I will say I was surprised to discover how many mixed families there were.  That was another rare phenomenon in my world growing up.  In fact, I was actually *taught* once by someone that it was wrong.  Otherwise, I'd say it was strongly "frowned upon".  I've known for a number of years it was becoming far more common, but again, it wasn't super common in my circle.  I had a couple friends in mixed marriages, but basketball made it clear just how common it really is.  I sometimes find myself curious about their lives--about how their families reacted, whether they were always attracted to another race or just found the right person, and what kind of struggles it may have presented them over the years.  I've seen so many more mixed families represented on TV and in commercials in recent months, and after seeing so many of these families in person, it seems so much more normal to me--and it almost makes more sense because it's more representative and relatable for multiple groups.

Jacob's last team also featured a number of single moms, all of different ethnicities.  They were all very chatty with one another, and while they were friendly enough with me, I'll admit I always felt a little out on the outs, probably because I couldn't relate to their conversations about managing things solo or dealing with an ex or custody situation.  I almost felt a little guilty that I have a pretty seamless partnership, including the luxury to have a built-in buddy at almost every game and not have to be at every practice.  I guess that made me feel a little awkward about trying to be part of that "mom squad" when I didn't know how they perceived me.  By the end of the season, I knew that one of the boys would be on Jacob's travel team, so I knew it was probably a good idea to at least get to know the one mom better since we'd be seeing a lot more of each other for the next few months.  We chatted quite a bit at the end of the season and bonded over normal mom-of-tween-boy stuff.  Of course, the coronavirus completely derailed our travel season, so our "baby" friendship is currently on hold.  I hope our paths cross again soon, because I feel very fortunate to know someone like her.  She's amazing--a hardworking nurse and a strict but super supportive mom.

Long story short--and I guess my point to this entire original post--is that I'm grateful to this latest phase in our lives for giving me the opportunity I never had in my younger years.  If lack of exposure was an issue then, it shouldn't be now.  I don't want to treat this as some sort of experiment, mind you, but it's definitely something that's newer to me than it should be.  I'm still trying to figure out how to fit in when there aren't a lot of other people like me.  Lacrosse was hard enough with a lot of other "typical" families that were more like us (but not quite), so this is entirely different.  And you know, I sort of like it.  I like that it's pushing me out of my lifelong comfort zone.  I want to learn.  I'm not sure how to do it well, or sensitively, or not-naively, but I want to try.

Fast-forward a few months removed from basketball season, and the latest racial incidents in our country, primarily the murders of two unarmed black men, give me pause.  The guy in Georgia who was jogging could easily be a friend of Jacob's 10 years down the road.  The man in Minneapolis wasn't resisting, and yet four cops decided to go above and beyond to restrain him, and it cost him his life.  These events are tragic, no matter the color of your skin.  But they are personal to people of color because it illustrates the fear and the racism they experience on a daily basis.  White people like me have no concept of what that feels like or how it changes your mindset, every single day.  And clearly as a society we're not doing enough to stop stuff like this from happening.  At the same time, I wonder how: How do you weed out all the bad cops?  How do you manage an impulsive, human response driven by fear?  When someone has had a negative experience (a cop with a criminal or an innocent person with a bad cop), how do you prevent that from coloring your future interactions?  We can't let those concerns stop us from moving forward to make this better, but the more everyone truly understands, the easier it is to treat each other as fellow human beings and equals.

Complicating the Minneapolis story was that riots overtook part of the city over the past few days.  The damage was shocking--a completely looted Target and grocery store, a destroyed strip mall, and countless neighborhood businesses were ruined (200 at last count).  Multiple buildings burned down, including an auto parts store, a Wendy's, and giant under-construction apartment building that was to be affordable housing.  The second night they set the police precinct on fire after significantly vandalizing it the night before.  I saw a video of a local surveying the damage after the first bad night, and it was sickening.  On one hand, I get the anger, and it had to go somewhere.  I'm mostly thankful they didn't take anyone's life.  On the other, this was completely over the top and certainly did more harm than good.  They destroyed their own neighborhood, ruined the livelihoods of countless neighbors, and flat-out broke the law with all of the looting and destruction.  It undermines the very battle they were fighting.  Instead all of us uniting under the notion that these cops were wrong, now everyone's split again because one side thinks the anger is justified and this is a much-needed cry for attention, but for the other side it just reinforces the stereotypes and "proves" they can't be reasoned with.  When people react this way, they may seem no better than an animal that acts on primal instinct.  It plays right into the racist perspective that they're not "like us".  Even at best, it's almost like negotiating with terrorists who will destroy the city if they don't get their way.  It's tragic on so many levels--a needless death begat needless destruction, and now a community is completely fractured.

I had a friend on Facebook that basically dismissed the rioters as degenerates who were raised to believe that behavior like that is okay.  I'm sure there are bad apples in there, and the mob mentality just made it worse.  I'm sure there were people who were just happy to benefit from the looting to pick up a couple things they can't afford but feel they deserve, and that's just rude--but I've never felt perpetually pushed down by society so maybe that's just something I don't understand.  But at the core of it, whether you're a looter or a murderer, something has to happen in your life that makes you go from a logical, rational, loving human being at birth to someone who thinks their best option to express their anger is to kill someone else or destroy someone else's property.  That doesn't just happen, and most likely no one actively raised them to think that way.  As I said, those basketball moms were some of the strictest I know--they desperately want to put good men out into the world--and I don't think they're an exception.  And for the record, this isn't just a black/white thing--there were white looters too, but clearly it makes more sense for the black community to be enraged over the repeated examples of racially motivated murders of unarmed folks of color, so I'm probably going to focus there for now.  But what happened in the lives of those involved in this rioting that made them think that behavior is okay?

One of the more special parts of my job is that I get to work with an organization that uses scientific research to treat and heal childhood trauma.  They study trauma and its effects, and run programs based on their research that help prevent trauma and manage the effects.  They help young moms through parenting programs, they run programs for kids who have been through trauma and families impacted by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, and they can even financially support these families when they are in a short-term emergency situation.  It's an amazing organization, and it has opened my eyes to the long-lasting, life-changing effects of trauma.  It leads to lifelong disordered behavior if it's not dealt with, and we can all assume pretty easily that poor families and families of color have a harder time accessing proper mental health treatment as it is.  What are the odds that many of those rioters have dealt with trauma--a bad home life, absent or abusive parents, drug abuse?  Add in a feeling of being unseen or unheard in society, or of having their needs unmet and feelings ignored by people who are supposed to love them or by society as a whole, and it gets exponentially worse.  Multiply that anger over many years, and I can see how it might build up and be triggered by an event like this.  I assume that would lead to feelings of justification in destroying what's good in someone else's life, or stealing something you think you deserve but that society never allowed you to have.  It doesn't make it right, clearly, but can we just bypass the "bad people" narrative and figure out how they got to that point in the first place?

You know how one side of the gun debate has insisted that treating mental health is more important than taking guns away?  Well, here's another chance--let's treat the mental health issues that led to this community destroying itself.  Part of that is fixing the systemic racism and bias to alleviate that constant weight and remove a trigger.  Part of that is dealing far earlier with the broken family units, lack of strong male role models, and managing the trauma caused by abuse.  I don't have the answers for how to get there, but dare I say universal health care could help the second part of that.  The first part seems to be partly holding one another accountable to reduce racist behavior--from outing bad cops to calling out someone's insensitive joke, to making different voices heard on social media.  Another part is using those different voices to try to understand each other better.  I never knew black people when I was younger, so how could I know about their struggles?  How could I know the stereotypes were wrong?  There was no social media back then, either, so my world was pretty small.  But now I realize, the more you step out of your comfort zone, the more you'll understand someone who's different than you.  Then their race won't be what divides you--it may only serve to highlight what makes them special among your circle.

For me personally, I struggle with knowing what's appropriate.  I want to learn and understand, but because I'm a suburban white girl, I wonder at what point I'll be looked at as inserting myself into a situation where I don't belong.  I know my white privilege has likely carried me through a lot in life, but I don't want it to be what makes me think I can stick my nose anywhere I want.  Is it really my right to understand their struggles if they feel I can't relate to them?  How can I speak to things I haven't experienced?  I feel there's probably a level of trust that must be built before that's appropriate, but how do you get to that point?  So for me personally, I'm not sure what my next steps are aside from looking for opportunities to learn and share and defend.  This is all hard--not in the same way it's hard for people of color--but in watching a country continue to be torn apart and in knowing that there are people that think those cops did nothing wrong or can't figure out why the protesters were that angry.  I'm sad and I feel powerless.  But I guess you have to start somewhere, so I guess I'm starting here.

A Night Out

Saturday is usually our designated "take out" night.  We usually order food from somewhere, pick it up, and eat it at home.  It gives us something to look forward to, supports businesses (though sadly, not many local ones since our gluten-free options are pretty limited), and gives me a break.  It's been a fun little routine and it's always nice when everyone can eat something they love.

We've hit up most of our favorites already, except for one place that just reopened for take out and our favorite little pizza and cookie joint a half hour away.  We'd been thinking that if we hit a nice day, it would be a good opportunity to go there, because we could tack on something as big as a trip to Letchworth, or just head to Geneseo for a little time in one of my favorite places.  We don't get out much these days, so even a walk around there sounded lovely.  It also would provide a nice place to eat our food, since eating in restaurants still isn't allowed.  There was a bit of griping from the boys about just wanting to eat at home and spending the evening at the house.  That blows my mind since we already spend so much time at home right now.  How could they not want to do anything else?!

But pizza and cookies was a good bribe, so off we went.  It was weird just stopping in and grabbing the food, since we almost always eat there.  All the customers had masks on, though keeping distance in the tiny space was hard!  The staff was not wearing masks (ugh) but it was nice to see the woman who almost always cashes us out.  We drove to Geneseo and parked off Main Street.  I've never seen the lot so empty!  We walked down the hill on to the campus, and fortunately there's a relatively new patio space outside a building that was completely renovated a few years ago.  It was the first thing we came to, conveniently, and it overlooked the College Green.

I will say that the walk down was a little odd.  The kids didn't want to wear masks, and honestly it was pretty easy to keep distanced, so we all went without.  But it's weird seeing people without masks and feeling the need to judge if they should be wearing them.  Oy.  Our pizza and wings were tasty, and when we were done, I dragged the boys on a walk.  There was one spot in particular I wanted to see, but first...

That building wasn't there when I was.  It's actually blocking the view of the (very ugly) lecture hall building I spent a ton of time in.  The green dome just in front of it was erected when I was a student.  This whole area was dirt for my first year or two, due to construction delays, after once being a beloved tree-filled space.  I don't think they really learned how to use it for much besides outdoor classes and frisbee until after I left.  Pretty sure the grass is a lot nicer now, too.

I missed most of tulip season due to being at home and the weather being chilly, so I was happy to see these.

When we got down to the space where I wanted to go, sadly the row of flowering trees was already spent.  It looked like this when I was a senior:

The trees are much bigger now, but they do still bloom brilliantly magenta.  Luckily, there was still this pretty pink one on the other side of the path:

You can see the other trees in the background.  They did have a lovely pink carpet of petals underneath them.

Pretty in pink

We walked through this tunnel, which is one of my favorite fall photo spots, and headed back to the van.

Sturges is always photogenic.  Although, I realized just as I was typing this that something looked different, and in looking at an old picture, I think they must have killed some ivy in the past handful of years.  It used to cover most of the far side and significant areas where the top windows on the left are bricked in.  The vines are there but no leaves.

The Seuss Spruce is getting all sorts of funky these days.  It grew funny on top due to ice storm damage, but now has a second, more normal top sprouting off!

This is Milne Library.  It was announced earlier this year that it would be closing for as long as four years.  Originally it was just going to be a semester to do some asbestos remediation, but then they moved up a planned full renovation so they could do everything at once, but it could take four years...and who knows how much longer now.  Oddly, I didn't see much happening on the site, but I did see asbestos remediation happening in a couple dorms, so maybe they're getting that done now while the students are gone?

This is the other end of the College Green, right in front of the building and green dome.  The trees were pretty.

It just so happened that there was another motivation to head down that way, but I wasn't sure we could pull it off.  There was a drive-through hot air balloon event happening at the airport in Geneseo.  It wasn't a launch, but they would have some balloons out and as the night got darker, they would glow as the flames shot up inside them.  It was still pretty early when we wrapped up our walk, and I knew it would be asking a lot to stick around until dark.  As we drove around the campus so we could look at the stadium and I could point out a couple things Jacob was asking about, I noticed the balloons were going up for the very start of the event.  I begged a little, promised it wouldn't take long, and we headed back toward the airport.

The airport is home to the National Warplane Museum (hence the plane that flew near our house in my last post originating there).  There were some old planes visible as we drove in.

Admittedly, there wasn't much else to see (although the sunset and dusk pictures a local photographer posted were stunning), but I did ask Craig to pull off into my old dorm parking lot so I could snap a picture from above.

I lived in two different suites in this building.  My last one was on the third floor, just above the back door just to the right of center in the picture.

By the time we got there, the fourth balloon was inflated.  I really didn't watch the airport nearly enough when I lived there.  Small planes took off periodically, though.

The sunset was starting to kick up while we were there, and in retrospect I wish we could have killed time until it got darker (you'll see why in a minute).

I caught one of the balloons' flame...but not much of a glow yet.

As we headed out of town and took 390 back north to Rochester, the sunset exploded.  It was gorgeous!

It took over so much of the sky and was one of the best ones I've seen in a while.  The pictures barely do it justice.  It made me so happy to have at least gotten out to see something different for a change, to feel a little normal for a while, and to have a chance to enjoy such a lovely sunset.  Considering a year ago this weekend we were in Toronto to try to get into the Raptors' Jurassic Park for game 6 of their conference final series, this definitely pales in comparison on the adventure scale.  But considering our lives for the last couple months, it was actually pretty great.  I never would have imagined that a year later we wouldn't even be able to get into Canada, so clearly the world has changed.  But for one night, things felt just a bit more normal.

The Break

I can't really put into words how badly I needed this week off.  I'm pretty sure I didn't take a day off after February break, and considering the generally odd stress of the past two months, it probably would have been helpful.  But it felt weird when I was already home and the kids were doing school anyway.  If Carter had spring break off, I probably would have taken a day then.  Instead I worked for a couple months straight, some days really busy and some days not.  It's been different.  Despite the reason being furlough, I was so grateful to finally have some time to get my life together.

I was excited to get to work with Carter on school a bit more.  While I originally had great thoughts of getting creative with him, his current setup (with his tolerance level) doesn't really leave a lot of time to do anything beyond the existing lesson plan.  When this all started, there were suggestions for different at-home math activities, and we added in the opportunity to watch an educational show or play a learning game to round things out.  But after spring break, things got a bit more intense.  He got his laptop from school and that's the focus of a lot of his learning.  He usually has five or six things to do, and it takes him until a little after lunch (with a couple breaks) to get through it.  Some days are easier than others.  He hates getting corrected and will find every excuse to run off and find the tablet for a while.  It's a challenge.  But it's been nice to see him having online meetings with the boys in his class and getting a one-on-one reading session with his teacher.  I did really enjoy having more time to sit with him and help him through his subjects, or snuggle with him while he read.

It was nice to slow down and not be constantly distracted by work (or worry about being distracted from work).  I could even think clearly enough to resume using the checklist of his subjects on a dry erase board.  I gave it up when things got more complicated, but this week I was able to think through it more clearly and figure out how to do it so we always know what he has and hasn't finished.  I can't say his school work this week was fight-free, but we did have more good days than bad days, I'd say.  And I did get to do one extra activity I'd been wanting to do: I took all of the words he spelled wrong in his daily writing since we started, and wrote them out neatly in a notebook.  When he misbehaved and lost his tablet one day, I had him write all of the words correctly in order to earn it back later in the day.  All in all, it was much easier to work on school without my work...but I'm still pretty excited for him to have Memorial Day off!

When the first weekend started, it felt like a wave of stress just disappeared.  I felt like I could get myself organized, and I had seemingly unlimited free time to get done all of the things I'd been putting off for months.  The good news is that the weather improved considerably as my break went on, and I had a lot of outside work to do!  I knew I was going to go to Walmart and Lowe's--and possibly the garden store--early in the week when the weather perked up, and all of a sudden I was adding items to my list left and right because I was realizing all of the little things I needed to do during this time.  From last weekend to this weekend, I managed to bust through a ton of stuff:

• Two batches of amazing chocolate chip cookies
• Another batch of gluten-free bagels
• A batch of meatballs
• Send in our tax return payments (finally)
• Change up some décor in the boys' rooms (some of the superhero stuff out of Carter's room, and Jacob's baseball decor into Carter's)
• Change out Carter's closet to fully move summer in and pack away some too-small stuff
• Check the hand-me-down bins for additional clothes and especially bigger summer PJs for Carter
• Do more seasonal changes in my closet and switch around my shoe storage to bring out the sandals
• Change Jacob's bedding
• File for unemployment
• Call for our window that we've needed to replace for two years (which I did do, but now have to call again because they didn't call me back with a new quote)
• Call for quotes on getting two diseased trees taken down (one quote down, one scheduled, one I could call if needed)
• Call to take my car in for an oil change and a bunch of maintenance (done--it was pricey, but should be good to go for a while)
• Buy a bracket to fix my desk, as an old plastic bracket broke and trim was hanging low on one side...and then actually fix it
• Buy new window sheers for my dining room, since the old ones had rotted and tore when I washed them...and then iron them and hang them.  And of course one that I bought had a flaw, so I ended up back at Walmart to return it and buy a couple more things.
• Buy mulch for our back flower beds (and maybe the front if I had enough left over, which I did) and put it down
• Buy my garden plants and two new perennials and plant them
• Buy flower seeds and plant them in random spots--cheap quarantine entertainment!
• Split a hosta and move one piece to a back flower bed and another piece to a front flower bed
• Dispose of a small Norfolk pine tree that I kept alive for over two years but somehow managed to kill in the last couple months.  I guess I waited just a bit too long between waterings (which I thought was hard to do) and the whole thing dried out, so I had to take it out of the pot in my dining room and leave the pot ready for something new.  Maybe an aloe plant or a jade?
• Spray some dandelions in the yard when I realized how badly they were taking over

So basically I did a crap-ton of stuff.  It felt so good.  I also got in some TV catch-up, relaxing, a run (which fortunately went well after hurting myself on a run last week), a bike ride, lots of laundry, and some reading (two books down, one in progress, one on deck).  I can't remember the last time I had this much time at home to just get things done.  Maybe when I was off for Carter's surgery?  But even then I had to keep him occupied.  

It definitely felt a little like my unemployment early on--particularly that feeling of not having much purpose to force myself out of bed.  But that went away pretty quickly and I just enjoyed the feeling of not working.  I didn't miss it a bit.  I did check emails once when I had to go into my account to pull the unemployment info mid-week, just so I didn't come back to anything crazy.  But I had no desire to do more than that.

I definitely had plenty to do--and while unemployment issues wasted part of one day and there were a couple other times where I know I didn't use my time wisely, time went super fast.  Now I'm a little sad I just have one day left before three weeks back to work.  But I'm thrilled I had the time, and I couldn't have asked for better weather.  It was in the mid-to-upper 60s most of the week, then creeped up into the 70s, and now we're in a solid patch of 80s.  The pool is still a work in progress, so we did a water fight today to cool down.  Probably a bad idea with constantly battling siblings, but it was good for some laughs, and we did cool down.  We did s'mores on the patio tonight, which was nice, too.  

Let's see...what else...

My evening wine after wrapping up my last work week, in my Mother's Day gift

On the first Saturday of my break, there was a flyover of an old warplane in honor of medical workers.  It started at the airport in Geneseo, flew over parts of Buffalo, including the hospital where I was born, then came back east and flew over the hospital that's five minutes from our house.  I took video, which I might get around to posting someday, but this was the best picture I got.  Still, it was sort of cool.

Cookies!  It's the original Nestle Toll House recipe, but with gluten-free baking flour and replacing one of two sticks of butter with a 1/2 cup of applesauce.  We finished them up in a week.

On Friday night, we rewarded Carter for a good day of school (as part of something discussed in video therapy) with a trip to Dairy Queen.  The sunset was lovely while we sat in a line that wrapped around the parking lot.

Otherwise, we're still trying to figure out what our new normal looks like now that we've entered phase one.  Still no barbers (much to Jacob's dismay--but all the males in this house are looking shaggy!), but with more things opening and the virus not going away soon, we need to figure out our new standards for where we're comfortable going and who we're comfortable seeing.  I went through a whole debate on Facebook about churches--because President Trump made a statement basically forcing governors to allow churches to open, which seemed to be a purely political move since every state is moving through their phases as appropriate.  It's still not safe in some areas, so making a national blanket statement just seemed like a weird way to grab Christian support in November.  But anyway, indoor transmission is so much easier, so I feel churches that open need to be incredibly careful and people need to take responsibility by wearing masks.  But after all of that back and forth, it's clear to me I won't be rushing back to the building anytime soon.  Ironically, our former family church apparently opened today--despite the pastor battling cancer.  Luckily it's a huge building with very few remaining parishioners, but it seems very early to me.  Baby steps, people.  But clearly no Memorial Day picnics for us :(

But we did take a first step back into public life with the kids on Saturday night...and more on that in my next post!

What Grinds my Gears

Facebook is a necessary evil right now. It's one of my few connections to the world, but man, parts of the world are so nuts that I wonder if it makes sense for my mental health to be there. Here's the thing: I am politically right in the middle, so pretty much anyone on either side makes me crazy. However, it also means that I can see valid points on both sides, which I feel makes me uniquely able to consider (and respond to--though that is usually just stupid and fruitless) the points that have been shared.

In an effort to attempt to keep my fruitless responses here and avoid the ridiculousness out there, I'm just going to spew my views here and hopefully get it out of my system.

• The effectiveness of masks - The research on masks is mixed, but doesn't it make sense to wear them just in case? Yes, if they work, they protect other people better than ourselves. Masks keep our sneezes and coughs to ourselves rather than spew them across the room at 100mph. Even if they don't block everything, they clearly block some of it and slow the velocity. So something is better than nothing. Of course, if you wear them, keep your hands off your mask and face, learn to take it off properly, and don't pull it down to your chin. You can spread germs if you don't follow those rules. So wear your mask and follow the rules to keep others safe. Oh, and don't say that healthy people don't need masks, because the dangerous part of this virus is that it can be passed without showing symptoms. So please don't assume you're healthy, because you could just as easily be an asymptomatic carrier and spreading it to others without knowing it.  Also, the messaging from the CDC and the WHO about masks has gone back and forth because this is a developing situation--we don't know everything about this virus, and as we find out more about how it spreads, things change.  Just in the last few days we're hearing it doesn't spread as well on surfaces, so you just never know.  I also think they were conservative early on so everyone didn't go out and hoard masks that were needed for medical professionals.  Once that threat eased, it was easier to recommend them.  Long story short, regardless of what your true thoughts are on them, let's err on the side of safety and just wear one as a sign of solidarity to show you care about trying to keep others safe.
• Mask wearing is not oppressive - I get so tried of seeing people complaining about the oppression of masks. It's not oppressive--it's the thoughtful thing to do for others. The thing is, people take their lead from the government. They shouldn't need to, but we've probably been coddled a bit over the years. If the government doesn't mandate them, many people won't wear them, but then it exposes people to risks and we'll wonder why the government didn't do more. If they do mandate it, many people will wear them, but others will claim it's unnecessary overreach and they rebel, putting the rest of us at risk. If you want oppressive, think about how people in areas of the world couldn't leave their houses at all without a note saying they had a negative test and a reason to be out. No jogging, hiking, or anything aside from groceries a couple times a week. Our rules are nothing compared to that. And don't even get me started on the comparisons to the Holocaust. That is just absurd. This is not a baby step to that, and this is nothing compared to what happened there. If you think passing over contact info so you can be tracked in an outbreak is a problem, then I suggest you get off the very public internet and be prepared to stay in your house so the rest of us can stay safer through contact tracing as outbreaks emerge.
• Church and Walmart are not the same - If I see one more person comparing Walmart to church or graduation ceremonies, I might lose it. Walmart is open because there are essential items--food, medicine, cleaning supplies, household goods (like my replacement microwave), or even clothes for growing kids. Ideally people should only go somewhere like Walmart if needed, and no, it's not like it's immune to spreading the virus, so precautions still need to be taken. I do get irrationally angry every time I drive by Lowe's and the parking lot is jammed, but I did finally have to go there myself the other day.  I can see why it needs to be open (if only for essential contactors who need supplies), but I wish people would be a little wiser about needing to go somewhere less essential like that.  On the other hand, church is not essential. While it's a helpful mental health support and we'd all love to be there together, we can worship separately just fine for now. Even with social distancing, church can be dangerous. It'll be hard to avoid the hugs and handshakes, and it's been proven that singing can rapidly spread the virus. Churches are full of older people, and if churches downplay the virus or claim their adjustments are safe, it could put them at risk and that's not okay.  A church in California opened up against the rules for Mother's Day, and someone was diagnosed the next day, potentially exposing 180 people.  It's just that simple!  Regardless, being near someone for an hour at church with aerosols swirling around is far more dangerous than standing in a socially distant line for 15 minutes at Walmart.  The longer duration allows for more inhaling of the particles, to the point where the quantity is enough to jump start the illness.  Same goes for any sort of large-scale graduation ceremony, where you know there would be the temptation for hugs and large family groups congregating. Outside events might be better, but it's still risky.  I get how important these types of ceremonies and church relationships are, and they should happen in some form, but safely. And it's just asinine to insinuate that it's about the store itself rather than the type of interactions that happen there, so stop it.
• We have to open sometime, so it might as well be now - We are not going to have a vaccine for a while--probably a year--and we can't stay closed that long. To do so would destroy society as we know it--not just the economy, but collective mental health. The stress of our current situation of two months is bad enough. Multiply that out to a year? It's just not feasible. We'd lose as many people to suicide, overdose, domestic violence, and other abuse from all of the stresses that would only increase with time, as we would to the virus itself. People aren't getting services they need, starvation is a concern, and health care is as well. Over a year, the stakes are so much higher than a few months. So...if we can't stay closed, we're going to have to go out in the world with the virus still active. If we wait, we allow these problems to continue for longer, without decreasing the risk of the virus. So, as I see it, we probably do need to open now. We might as well start, slowly and carefully, to maximize the time we have to figure this out before big decisions need to be made in the fall for schools, sports, etc. We can do it carefully, one step at a time, to see if/when spikes happen. If they do, we figure out what part of the last step made the difference, and take a step back. If things continue on without spikes, take another small step forward. But in order for this to work, we all need to be responsible. We need to maintain distance, wear masks, wash hands, and minimize outings. We should be able to make wise decisions to protect ourselves and others, and it shouldn't need to take government intervention to do it. We should want to, for the greater good. When people don't do this, it puts us all at risk. If the majority of us do it, then hopefully we can outweigh the idiots who can't be convinced. I look at it sort of like herd immunity normally. If enough of us do the right thing, we can minimize the risk to all of us, including those who won't or can't conform. The scary thing is that a handful of irresponsible people can start an exponential spread, and it's clear many people aren't being responsible. People are still visiting and they're still going out without precautions.  That will lead to spread, no doubt.  So if we want to do this sooner than a year, we need to be smart.  There is no other option.
• Governor Cuomo - I generally do not like Governor Cuomo.  He's usually heavily focused on downstate and put forth legislation regarding abortion and bail reform that I have not liked.  We're highly taxed and losing population left and right.  But I think he did relatively well with the virus.  Okay, New York City is an epic mess, so clearly more should have been done there.  Maybe he was waiting for Mayor DiBlasio to take a bigger role, and he didn't.  Or maybe because the Westchester cases were so early the U.S. fight, it was hard to know what was best.  Everyone seemed to underestimate the effect of high density living.  But for the rest of the state, his response appears appropriate and effective.  Cases have been relatively controlled--though the Buffalo area is still a trouble spot.  Were there things that he may have overprepared for, like demanding tens of thousands of ventilators?  Sure.  Is the budget gap concerning?  Yes.  But this state has never been an easy one, and there's definitely no playbook for this virus.  But his calm, decisive, proactive leadership has been strong in comparison to our President's, so for now, I'll take it.
• Conspiracy theories - When the whole "Plandemic" so-called documentary came out a few weeks ago, the conspiracy theorists got even more ratcheted up.  People were convinced that this was a man-made virus released so Big Pharma could make money off the treatments and eventual vaccine.  Conspiracy theories are tempting because they build on established facts (like Big Pharma does make an absurd amount of money screwing us over and China is sketchy as heck).  While it's not a bad thing to ask questions, keep in mind that the internet has a "fact" that will support anything you believe...and it could just as easily be made up or twisted as it could be true.  Last week an old college friend of mine messaged me privately on Facebook because he appreciated my calm, measured response to another friend's somewhat misguided post.  It was about churches in California going against state orders to reopen, and given her politics I was pretty sure it was a post in support.  My response was essentially talking about how much I want to go back, but how much it worries me for the reasons I outlined above--most of all, based on what was in the article, the false assurances to the elderly that it would be safe.  The friend who messaged me pondered why Christians seem to be first in line to buy into things like this, and sadly, it does seem like that more and more.  I'm not sure if it has to do with blind allegiance to the president, who's the king of random theories right now; or if it's a result of growing up with faith in something unseen, so a random theory isn't entirely unbelievable; or if we just want to find reasons and meaning behind bad in the world, and conspiracies and human decisions are easier to work through than, "They just happen."  I read a really great article about it the other day, shortly after our exchange.  I passed it along and he appreciated the points as well.  Despite being written by a conservative Evangelical, to our joint surprise he actually called Christians out a bit to do better with what they believe and in particular what they share.  If you don't have time to fact check it, don't share it--you could be sharing lies.  I particularly liked his point that Christians shouldn't need conspiracy theories or anything else to find meaning in the world, because God and our faith should do that for us.  And just because the main stream media says one thing, that doesn't mean the opposite is true, so don't jump there automatically.  My favorite point debunking conspiracy theories, which was both in the article and in memes, is that organizing a massive, worldwide conspiracy assumes that an absurd amount of organization and agreement can happen across numerous parties...and for people who don't trust the government, you're giving them an awful lot of credit.  And as anyone who has ever run a work project or school group project knows, even getting a handful of people to agree that seamlessly is almost impossible.  It's not wrong to ask questions, but consider where you're getting your answers (hint: the internet can support it all and deny it, all in one search) and listen to the experts first.
• Statistics - I get it, it's hard to know what to believe.  On one hand, we're undercounting cases because not enough people can get a test.  On the other, spikes in cases are just because we're testing more (but never mind the fact that whether or not someone gets tested, their case is still out there infecting people).  On one hand, we've overcounting deaths because (supposedly) hospitals are making more money for every COVID death so they're putting it on every death certificate.  On the other hand, we're undercounting deaths because there are probably people dying that aren't getting tested post-mortem.  It was happening in other countries and I assume it's happening here.  So...my theory is that numbers may be pretty close to right because we're both supposedly over- and under-counting.  I've been watching hospitalizations, because you only end up in the hospital if you're sick enough, and the timing has little to do with when testing spikes.  Some people say this is like the flu, and maybe with the untested cases, the stats will end up there as far as the death rate goes.  But this has already shown itself to be worse than a bad flu season in half the time, and you can't argue with how some areas saw overwhelmed hospitals and how medical workers had never seen deaths happen like this.  Statistics aside, I keep coming back to what this virus CAN do.  Without prompt social distancing it likely would have happened in more areas, too.  We all knew that the naysayers would say it was overreaction when it worked, and they did.  Someone posted a letter the other day signed by 600 doctors asking governors to reopen because of the patients that are too scared to get care or can't because practices are closed, and how dangerous this is to them.  I appreciate their point, per my reopening bullet above, but I'd venture there are hundreds of medical professionals who would sign a counter letter because of the horrors they've seen in the ICU over these past months and don't want to subject others to the same fate.  Every doctor is obviously going to be most concerned with their own patients--specialists with theirs, and ICU docs with theirs--and honestly, no one is wrong.  Everyone is suffering in their own way, and we won't know until this is over how the stats pan out.  So in the meantime, it just underscores the importance of finding that middle ground to reopen safely.

I think those are the big ones I wanted to cover.  I feel much better now getting it out of my system here.  Thanks for sticking with me, and when you're browsing Facebook, just try to find the middle ground before adding fuel to anyone's fire.  Both sides have valid points, and since everything can be validated and invalidated repeatedly, just tread carefully (and stay home, mask, and maintain hygiene and social distancing).  Thanks!

Whouda Thunk It? - The Top 10 Oddities of Pandemic Life

This whole pandemic and the associated lockdown has been full of surprises--random moments or realities, good and bad, that I never expected.  For posterity, here are a few of note, in no particular order:

• I am tired of going to the bathroom - I don't know why this is, although maybe it's because I've used the same two bathrooms, night and day, for the past nine weeks.  Who knew the variety of the office bathroom(s) was helpful?  For a while I was annoyed just because the boys kept peeing on the seat and I had to deal with that every trip, but that's been a bit better since I posted a sign to remind them.  I'm not sure if it's just because I drink so much water during work days and the every couple hour interruptions are annoying when I'm here?  Or maybe it's always having to take stairs to get there, since neither are on the main floor?  Either way, I now get annoyed when I have to go.
• People managed to turn this political - This shouldn't have been a surprise, but when this all started I was thinking about how the country was in the days after 9/11, when it sort of felt like we were all in it together, and patriotism (the good kind) was at an all-time high with flags everywhere, and unified politicians and citizens were all fighting against one "bad guy".  Silly me, I hoped that all being locked up together (with the rest of the world, no less) would bring us together against another common enemy, the virus.  Alas, no...due to a polarizing president, congressional bickering, and two totally different schools of thought about lockdowns (that mostly seem driven by political party affiliation), we are as divided as ever.  Facebook feels like one of the few ways to connect with people right now, but I am so sick of the arguments, conspiracy theories, and memes that say this was a man-made event with help from Big Pharma to sell vaccines, that it's bringing payouts to hospitals for false Coronavirus diagnoses, and whose overreaching lockdowns are meant to depress the economy into submission so socialism can take over and the government can control us.  Sigh.  It's exhausting.
• Cooking dinner hasn't been that bad (but the dishes are) - It turns out that my issues with cooking dinner didn't have to do with actually doing it, but rather trying to plan meals around our evening activities to ensure I could cook and we could eat before someone had to leave.  I suppose I should have figured that out prior to this, but this confirmed it.  Without time constraints now, I easily plan meals a week at a time to ensure I can buy what I need to during my weekly shopping trip.  I can just plan around what else we've eaten recently and not worry about how long it might take.  Eating out once a week has felt about right, although I do miss being able to grab fast food at lunch once in a while without worrying about the gluten content.  The only problem with being home is that the dishes are endless.  I usually wash a sinkload twice a day, and run the dishwasher every few days instead of once a week or so.  That has gotten a bit repetitive.
• I still don't clean - I suppose I'm a bit better about keeping the kitchen wiped down since I'm in there so much, but otherwise, despite being here nearly 24/7, I don't really clean any more than I did before.  This is mostly a surprise because I was better about it when I was unemployed, so I thought it might be the same now.  However, when I was unemployed I felt like my "job" was to take care of the house and family, and I also didn't have to work eight hour days, so I had a lot more time to do it (or feel guilty about not doing it).  Now I just see all the dust and crumbs multiple times a day and continue to get annoyed until I finally have a little time and energy to do it.
• I'm still tired - Despite getting a lot more sleep each night, I'm still not as wide awake as I'd hoped.  I mean, I'm usually not dying for an afternoon nap, even on weekends, but I do still have days where I'm practically nodding off at my desk.  I'm still tired when I wake up in the morning at 7:30 or 8, and yet I'm gladly going to bed around 11 or 11:30.  I'm not sure if it's too much sleep, low-quality sleep, or just too many years of sleep deprivation to catch up.  Keeping up my energy for workouts isn't much better than it was before, either.  I do appreciate my runs because it's the only time I have alone all week, but indoor workouts are still hard to get excited about--even with quality Netflix programming to get me through.  Of course, I hurt myself on my run on Thursday, so today's nice weather didn't pump me up the way it usually would and I'm lucky I didn't nod off.
• Commutes are useful - I don't miss my early mornings, and I generally don't miss my long morning drive complete with lots of traffic, but I've discovered that commutes serve a purpose.  In the morning, they're a good chance to finish waking up and mentally prepare for the work day.  In the evening, they're a good buffer to wind down and transition to home life at the end of the day.  Most days I feel like it takes me about an hour to wake up enough to not make stupid mistakes.  In the evening, despite being able to get up from my desk and walk ten feet into my kitchen to start dinner, it's rare I actually do that.  Usually I want about 20-30 minutes to chill out and decompress before summoning the strength to make dinner.  Sometimes I need that at home after a commute, too, but it shocked me that I needed it after a day at home.
• Grocery shopping is still hard - While I've gradually adjusted to all of the differences in the grocery shopping experience (face masks, extra sanitizing, sneeze guards, packaged bulk and bakery foods, missing items, distancing at the registers), it's still exhausting to go and it still evokes a sort of mourning for me--maybe more than anything else right now.  I miss the old grocery shopping experience.  I didn't always want to be there, but all things considered, Wegmans is a lovely way to do it.  But now it's just stressful - one chance a week to get what we need, out of stock groceries, the fear of germs, feeling guilty about touching more than one item (darn you, bananas and strawberries), and having to remember which lines to stay behind and what I need to wait for prompting on.  Workers aren't nearly as friendly, and neither are customers--or if they are, you can't see their smiles behind masks, anyway.  It's just different and I miss how carefree it used to be.  And that's all before having to wipe down groceries at home.  Last week I wondered if someday I'll take it all for granted again, or if years from now certain changes will remain, or if I'll always carry a little mental burden with me because of what happened during this time.  While I don't want to take it for granted in an arrogant, entitled way, I hope that someday we have the freedom to let all of this stress fade away.  I don't want this to bring down my grocery experience for decades to come.
• Social distancing is hard, but not for the reasons I thought - Going into this I figured that the hard part would be not going anywhere.  I mean, I knew the school/work from home thing would be an issue, and I was worried about us getting sick.  But I truly thought I'd miss going places.  The truth is, I don't miss it as much as I thought.  I miss the convenience a little, I miss going places for adventure, and I miss seeing my family on a whim.  But I've actually been pretty okay with shopping once a week for a few weeks now, and keeping my other errands to a minimum.  I need to get a few out of the way this week while I'm off work, but otherwise I haven't really done non-grocery errands in weeks.  Who knew I could do that?  But what stresses me out that I didn't expect?  The unknowns.  Originally this was just supposed to be for a few weeks, but now that it's been over two months and there's still no clear path forward, the unknowns are weighing on me more than anything else.  The duration of our entire changed reality, and that it will now be like this for the foreseeable future, is exhausting.  We don't know when we'll be back in offices, what fall will look like for the kids, when Jacob's basketball might be able to restart (and how safe we'll feel/be if/when it does), or when pro sports or public festivals might be able to happen again.  Will we look back at this year like an entire wasted year where we did nothing of note?  It's sad and depressing.  And I can tell when I'm out and about that my body can just sense that things aren't quite right.  The mere sight of empty parking lots, closed businesses, and a bit less traffic just seems to be enough of a change to set off my spidey-senses (for lack of a better term) that something isn't quite right.  And while it's not enough to actively freak out about, I can tell it ups my anxiety just enough to make an outing that should be an escape instead feel a little odd.
• Time passes differently - Considering we spend most of our time in the same place and don't have a lot of milestones or events to look forward to, time is moving relatively quickly.  Time between shopping trips, meals out, or even refilling our weekly pill containers goes more quickly than I expected.  If you'd have told me I'd be managing my kids' schooling at home for three months, I'd have thought you were nuts.  And while each day drags until both kids have their work done, I can't believe we're two months in (and praise the Lord, Jacob is down to only 12 days of school left!).  Work days move similarly to before, but maybe a bit quicker, especially when you consider the lack of a commute.  Evenings are a bit of a crapshoot depending on what I get sucked into and how early we eat dinner.  Some nights they feel long, especially now that we don't have events, but if I get sucked into a show, it can move really fast.  And if it's my night to put Carter to bed, that kills another 45 minutes, and nearly immediately after that, we're holed up in bed while Jacob finishes playing Xbox with his friends (who seriously need earlier bedtimes themselves).  And then we sleep and wake up to do it all over again.  One day at a time has definitely been a motto for me.
• Food consumption is just weird - One of the strangest things about this whole time for a lot of people has been their grocery bills.  They have been crazy high for us as well.  I had a couple "normal" weeks recently, but this week was as high as ever, mostly thanks to a refill on meat.  It's hard to tell if we're actually eating more or spending more than we would have in a normal pre-quarantine week when you take everything into consideration.  For example, I used to go to Wegmans at least twice a week, but I can't remember if both combined would equal anything close to what I'm spending now.  Some of it is stocking up just in case something goes back out of stock, some of it is planning ahead so I can pick dinners more easily, and some of it is simply just being at home all the time and being somewhat bored and hungry.  We're only eating out once a week (which hasn't been any too cheap either), but we probably only ate out once or maybe twice as a family before this, so not much change there.  However, Craig went out to lunch a bit more often and I went out once every few weeks.  Add that in, maybe we're getting closer?  The kids lunches are actually pretty close to what they were previously, although this summer Carter will probably cost us more since he used to eat at daycare.  I think the snacks are probably out of control and impacting things the most.  Jacob has about a $16 per week snack habit on crackers alone.  Craig loves trail mix, and that costs a ton because of the nuts.  I feel like I'm eating ice cream almost every night.  I'm also not a big fan of bread, so I've had to get good rolls for lunch sandwiches so I don't get back on my frozen-meal-a-day habit.  Oh, and this is no different than usual, but we're still eating a crap-ton of cereal, plus Jacob is a bit bored so he's had waffles a bit.  Then there's the sweet snacks.  I've baked a ton more than usual--cake, then chocolate cookies from a mix, cocoa pebbles treats, homemade chocolate crinkle cookies, and then from-scratch cookies today.  Not that we need added temptations, but they do serve a purpose as a less-expensive snack when someone might grab something bigger.  It's times like this I'm happy we only have four people in this house, and that the kids aren't teenagers yet.

I guess those are the big ones right now.  Stay tuned, because we still have a lot more of this.  It feels a bit like endless summer vacation right now (not in an entirely good way), and summer hasn't even started yet.  So I'm sure more weirdness is to come.

Nostalgia Overload

This time of year--as I usually touch on somehow here--I get extra nostalgic for memories I made during this little stretch in May, all courtesy of sports.  Under normal circumstances, of course, this is playoff time for most sports, so it's no wonder.  This year, without pro sports and any sort of traveling, I have to spur along my own memories.

As I mentioned in my last post, Tuesday marked the anniversary of the Raptors' game seven win that was the first big moment in their championship run.  Memorial Day is coming soon, and that was when we went to Toronto to attempt to witness the conference final win.

During the day Tuesday, there was a Sabres' replay on TV.  It showed the Sabres' clinching OT win in a four-game sweep over the Boston Bruins in 1993.  That was in the thick of my fandom and marked the Sabres' first playoff series win in 10 years.  It was amazing how quickly the fast heart rate came back when I was watching the OT period.  And the joy when they scored was still so thrilling.  But I definitely got nostalgic for the names and faces, and seeing the old arena again made me happy.  Earlier in the day a Buffalo radio station posted an hour-long video of footage compiled from a few of the last hockey-related events at the Aud, including a logo unveiling and the final game, both of which I attended in April 1996.  Seeing old footage from the concourses (complete with fans in Starter jackets--haha), the standing room only section in the orange seats, and the classic retro lobby made me both happy and sad.  I spent some of the best times of my life there, and yet knowing we can never go back is sad.  But those memories are the best.  Later in the evening, another Sabres' replay was on, this one from my parents' season ticket era--the Sabres' 1975 Stanley Cup Final run.  Once again, my beloved Aud was on full display, every name was one I grew up with, and it was absolutely classic old school, helmet-free hockey.  All of that was the foundation of my eventual path to hockey fandom many years later.

Ultimately, all of those memories led to a career in sports.  And despite lots of seasons and lots of sports along the way, it took until 2007 for my championship dreams to come true.  Well, sort of.  I mean, there were a couple early Buffalo Bandits championships as a newbie lacrosse fan, and I had enough of a connection to the Rochester Rhinos soccer team that I was able to celebrate a couple of their championships with the staff, but it took until after my sports career ended to really feel connected to a championship team.  And then it happened a bunch!

Since I've done this frequently before, I'm going to try to stick with lesser shown pictures or fun little memories that have stuck with me all these years.

In 2007, I hopped on a plane to Phoenix about 30 hours after booking my flight--my first solo flight, no less.  I was only a year removed from my stint in sports, and the staff was still good friends of mine so I had to be there with them to see this team that had come so close, so many times, as they finally seemed to have put it all together enough to win.  Phoenix was a whole different world compared to Western New York.  Not only was it in the 90s, but the terrain was completely different.  I was in love with these flowers outside the hotel.

And these cacti we saw after the game were so cool!

The game itself was amazing, and I will never forget the feeling as the clock ticked down and I finally realized what it felt like to win the last game of the season!  It was unforgettable.  Being on the turf for the cup presentation was amazing!

I was worried about Craig finishing his broadcast and getting down from the press box soon enough to celebrate, but he made it quickly and I was so happy to see him with the cup!

We were excited to get a photo of us together!

After the absolutely blissful celebration by the hotel pool, we went out to a bar and I guess I was already silly enough to insist on a picture with the Captain...

I'll never forget the joy of seeing that group of guys win.  We'd come so close before, always with a downfall.  This time they did it and I never would have forgiven myself if I didn't go.

By 2012, a lot had changed.  I was six years removed from sports, Craig won another championship with the outdoor lacrosse team (but I had to miss it due to a newborn Jacob), we had a three-year-old child, and the team's ownership had changed.  The team had gone through a roster overhaul that led to a bit of a rough patch, but it had slowly rebuilt itself.  That regular season was actually pretty rough, though, to the point I remember wondering why I was so worried about winning a game because it wasn't like we were going to win the championship!  The joke was on me, I guess!  A less-than-.500 team turned it on for the playoffs, and due to some good luck, ending up playing another surprise team in the championship game--and somehow we had the better record and earned the home game!

I'll never forget the day of the game.  My parents came into town for the game, and it was a gorgeous spring day.  We went geocaching downtown before the game and got to explore one spot I'd never been.  St. Joseph's Church in Rochester was a popular church in town for decades before a fire in the 1970s gutted it.  The remaining tower and walls were preserved and turned into a public garden.  The gates were locked that day, but it was still a stunning sight through the fence.

We looked for another cache in an urban park adjacent to my work parking garage.  I fell in love with these flowers.

The game itself was crazy, with the Knighthawks coming out flat early on and making a big second half comeback to win.  We were thrilled, of course, and I was so happy for the fans who got cheated out of a home win in 2007 when the circus sent us to Phoenix.  I caught this picture as we were cheering on the postgame celebration.  My dad was always so mystified by Jacob's quiet manner during Knighthawks games.  He would watch games intently and yet rarely cheered.  Sometimes he seemed to be a Knighthawks fan, but more often he wasn't.  Always a rebel, I guess.  Even still, he got a bit of a kick out of the championship win, and I think my dad was just urging him on to fully express some happiness!

When we finally made it out on the floor, I took this picture.  The stuffed hawk had a bit of a mystique that year.  After Craig bought him, we just seemed to keep winning.  He took him to Toronto for the upset playoff win, and we made sure to bring him for this one.  But when we were losing at halftime, we left him with Craig upstairs and sure enough, things changed!  This was when Jacob and the hawk were reunited on the turf!

Once again, we had to get our traditional photo together!

Note: I was wearing the same outfit as 2007

That celebration was a good one and included my first official drink out of the cup.  Pretty sure we made it home to Jacob around dawn, thanks to my parents' generous offer to sleep over.  Parenthood and championship celebrations don't really mix, by the way!  But it was pretty fun to surprise Jacob one morning a few days later when Craig had to take the cup to an appearance.  We had a happy little boy!

Look how little he was!  Almost 4 and barely taller than the cup!

One month later, I got pregnant, and one year later, Carter was a few months old.  The Knighthawks had another mediocre regular season, only finishing .500.  However, they got hot just in time for the playoffs (again) and by some miracle they won two playoff games to make the finals.  Ironically, their opponent, the Washington Stealth, had an arena conflict much like we had in 2007.  But instead of giving the game to the road team as happened that year, the league moved the game to another arena nearby, which maybe-not-coincidentally became the team's new arena the following season.  I once again debated badly (this time with two kids in the mix) if I could pull off a trip out west.  This one turned into a debacle involving a bad last-minute Priceline booking, a lot of time on hold resulting in no sleep, and standby flights, but somehow I made it.

I figured my best bet to make sure the trip was worth it was to have one guaranteed fun thing as part of the trip.  Had I known at the time that Chihuly Garden and Glass had opened in Seattle the previous year, I probably would have gone there.  But somehow I missed that and ended up in Tacoma instead.  In 2006, Craig and I took a train from Seattle to Portland, and we ended up on the tracks in this picture.  I happened to look up as we passed under the bridge on the left, and I recognized it as something I had seen previously--a whole bridge full of Dale Chihuly pieces!  I made a mental note then to someday come back and see that, and this made for the perfect opportunity.

All of the free outdoor art was stunning.  I don't think I posted a picture of these the first time around, but these were glass columns that had water sheeting down their sides and back into the ground.

This is an example of what was up on the bridge.  Cubby after cubby of beautiful vase-like objects.

As if that wasn't cool enough, the ceiling looked like this:

As I was on the bridge, I noticed in the window of the domed building in the picture above something that looked a bit Chihuly-like.  I ventured over and found a treasure trove of pieces.  I've posted the stunning multicolored chandelier before, but I don't think I've shared much of this window full of red reeds...

And I love this view of a giant metal circle that had these pieces woven throughout...

It was an unforgettable visit, as planned, and the game hadn't even happened yet!  After a long drive to Craig's hotel in British Columbia, we had a really nice night--probably our first alone since Carter was born.  We took a walk, had a snack, and enjoyed the view from our hotel.

After no sleep the previous night (and three months of newborn parenting), I slept like a log.  I fell asleep early and woke up early, but those nine hours were bliss.  I was able to do a glorious morning run along the water, and later a walk to photograph the sites and the flowers along the path.  It was such a pretty area.

You can barely see it, but there are snow-capped mountains in the distance.

The game itself was a little different because the staff had changed by this point and I was only friends with a few of them, so my game-watching company wasn't quite as familiar.  But after a closely contested game, we once again came out victorious!  And yet again, we got our picture on the turf...

Still the same outfit, but between shrinkage and post-baby belly, I had to add a tank for length by then.

By 2014, the Knighthawks put together a much better regular season, second to only one other team in the league.  Unfortunately, the league changed the playoff format to two games + a deciding mini-game if needed.  By some miracle, the #1 team got beat in the first round, which left the Knighthawks in the championship with the third best team and home field advantage.  And thank goodness, because their road game in each round wasn't good, but thankfully they did well at home.  The first round came down not just the mini-game, but to overtime of the mini-game.  After losing the first game of the championship in Calgary, the Knighthawks had to win game 2 and the mini-game at home to take the title.

Once again, my parents were in town for the game.  It was a very exciting night, and the Knighthawks won game two pretty easily.  They went down in the mini-game 2-0 pretty quickly, but miraculously crawled back late and took the lead with less than a minute left.  And after that...pandemonium!

This win was significant because Jacob was finally into it and cheering for the Knighthawks, which my dad really enjoyed!

And little one-year-old Carter was just starting to walk regularly, and I loved him standing in awe on the turf!

Look at those tiny little Nikes!

Carter loved playing with the confetti once he got tired of walking around...

Craig and I went out late again that night to celebrate with the team and fans.  I was so tired and somewhat hung over the next day, and I still laugh at this dramatic Instagram shot I took of the remains of a napkin that Carter got a hold of.  I was a bit too tired to bother stopping him.

Since we didn't get an on-turf shot with the cup that year (that postgame celebration was a bit different), I figured I should share a couple shots from the formal celebration we had a few days after.  Look at tiny, happy Carter with his little stick!

And one of my favorite family pictures ever...

It was really fun looking back at these pictures and the original posts.  There were some really great memories from these very special years.  I am really missing playoff sports and any sort of travel right now, so it was nice to think back at the awesome experiences we've been able to have over the years.  I hope more are in our future, but hopefully they're worth the wait!