A week into this thing, and I'm not doing so well. I'm really tired, even when I nap. The nausea has been worse than I remember. I remember it being this bad at times, but not all day. I don't get sick, but I feel like seeing the wrong thing at the wrong time could put me over the edge. It's pretty miserable. Worth it in the end, of course, but hard in the meantime. I don't even know what to post as my Facebook status these days because the fact that I feel like crap is overwhelming my thoughts and I can barely think of anything else to say. That sounds so ridiculous, but it's seriously tough to deal with.
It's extra hard to sit at my desk all day without interesting things to keep me distracted. I try to eat when it gets worse, which sometimes helps, but not always. It's just mentally and physically exhausting, and it makes it hard to do anything well. I suddenly feel like I'm failing summer because we didn't do much of anything yesterday on a rare weekend day without plans, and I don't even want to make the effort to go into our pool in the evenings. At the end of the day (and the beginning and middle, too), I'm just tired and low on patience. It's not fair to everyone else, but I'm not quite sure what to do in the meantime. I know this feeling goes away after a while, because I know I wasn't this miserable the whole time last time I was pregnant.
The end of the work day is just a “perfect storm”. I'm tired, my stomach is empty and therefore nauseous, and I have a busy hour or so of leaving work, picking up Jacob, and heading home. From there I need to make dinner, but when my stomach is off and I'm tired, it's hard to choose something to make, let alone make it. I'm not sure how women who have it worse actually function. This is bad enough.
I'm really just eager to tell people, but that's still so long away and I have to suffer in silence until then. I don't really know how I got through this phase last time because I didn't start blogging about my pregnancy until I was through the first trimester. That's part of the reason I'm writing these letters now. It's the best way to remember this time when I can't write about it openly. It feels better to be able to “talk” about it, and right now this is my best option...and the one that will bother the least people, at least for now.
I got another email today that told me you're the size of a lentil bean, about a quarter of an inch long. I don't think you're going to look like more than a blob on the ultrasound on Thursday, but maybe we'll get lucky and you'll be active. The first time I saw Jacob's little arms moving around (at 10 weeks, not 6-1/2), I could barely believe my eyes. Seeing that email made it a tiny bit more real. Of course, it probably won't start feeling really real (despite the obvious effects right now) until I start getting bigger and especially when I start feeling you moving around. Again, that's still a long way off, so I have to push through in the meantime.
There are moments when I wonder why I wanted to go through this again after getting my body back a few years ago, but then I think about how amazing it was to see Jacob be born and grow up, and I know why I wanted to do it again--so badly that I got help to make it happen. It's admittedly a little harder to go through it, knowing this time what can happen and how the end usually goes, but I promise, once I get past this phase, I will be a lot happier and a lot more excited, albeit stressed and a bit overwhelmed with all that's to come. But you are loved and wanted. I just wish it wasn't such a tough road to bring you here since the road after is hard enough!
Time for Mommy to get some sleep and see if it helps me feel better in the morning. Talk to you soon!