Dear Baby-to-be,
A week into this
thing, and I'm not doing so well. I'm really tired, even when I nap.
The nausea has been worse than I remember. I remember it being this
bad at times, but not all day. I don't get sick, but I feel like
seeing the wrong thing at the wrong time could put me over the edge.
It's pretty miserable. Worth it in the end, of course, but hard in
the meantime. I don't even know what to post as my Facebook status
these days because the fact that I feel like crap is overwhelming my
thoughts and I can barely think of anything else to say. That sounds
so ridiculous, but it's seriously tough to deal with.
It's extra hard to
sit at my desk all day without interesting things to keep me
distracted. I try to eat when it gets worse, which sometimes helps,
but not always. It's just mentally and physically exhausting, and it
makes it hard to do anything well. I suddenly feel like I'm failing
summer because we didn't do much of anything yesterday on a rare
weekend day without plans, and I don't even want to make the effort
to go into our pool in the evenings. At the end of the day (and the
beginning and middle, too), I'm just tired and low on patience. It's
not fair to everyone else, but I'm not quite sure what to do in the
meantime. I know this feeling goes away after a while, because I
know I wasn't this miserable the whole time last time I was pregnant.
The end of the work
day is just a “perfect storm”. I'm tired, my stomach is empty
and therefore nauseous, and I have a busy hour or so of leaving work,
picking up Jacob, and heading home. From there I need to make
dinner, but when my stomach is off and I'm tired, it's hard to choose
something to make, let alone make it. I'm not sure how women who
have it worse actually function. This is bad enough.
I'm really just
eager to tell people, but that's still so long away and I have to
suffer in silence until then. I don't really know how I got through
this phase last time because I didn't start blogging about my
pregnancy until I was through the first trimester. That's part of
the reason I'm writing these letters now. It's the best way to
remember this time when I can't write about it openly. It feels
better to be able to “talk” about it, and right now this is my
best option...and the one that will bother the least people, at least
for now.
I got another email
today that told me you're the size of a lentil bean, about a quarter
of an inch long. I don't think you're going to look like more than a
blob on the ultrasound on Thursday, but maybe we'll get lucky and
you'll be active. The first time I saw Jacob's little arms moving
around (at 10 weeks, not 6-1/2), I could barely believe my eyes.
Seeing that email made it a tiny bit more real. Of course, it
probably won't start feeling really real (despite the obvious effects
right now) until I start getting bigger and especially when I start
feeling you moving around. Again, that's still a long way off, so I
have to push through in the meantime.
There are moments
when I wonder why I wanted to go through this again after getting my
body back a few years ago, but then I think about how amazing it was
to see Jacob be born and grow up, and I know why I wanted to do it
again--so badly that I got help to make it happen. It's admittedly a
little harder to go through it, knowing this time what can happen and
how the end usually goes, but I promise, once I get past this phase,
I will be a lot happier and a lot more excited, albeit stressed and a
bit overwhelmed with all that's to come. But you are loved and
wanted. I just wish it wasn't such a tough road to bring you here
since the road after is hard enough!
Time for Mommy to
get some sleep and see if it helps me feel better in the morning.
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Mommy
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