So, it's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. It's been a busy couple weeks, with your brother's birthday, Mommy and Daddy's anniversary, and Bacie & Dziadziu's 40th anniversary party, among other things. But it's been a couple weeks of waiting patiently as well, to see if you're in there or not. And when the two-week wait was over, it turned out that we STILL didn't know. I took a pregnancy test, and it came out a faint positive. BUT...one of the side effects of the HCG shot that I got is that sometimes it sticks around for a bit and can give you a false positive. I had waited until the end of the recommended window, but from all I read online, there's still a chance that it could be hanging around.
So, we had a busy weekend to attend to, and I decided I'd wait until this morning to try again. Well, it was a faint positive again this time, though a little stronger than before. The good news is that it probably means it wasn't just the HCG, as I think it really should have faded to nothing by now, rather than getting stronger. However, the bad news is that the faint line could mean that the pregnancy-induced HCG level isn't very high, which could mean that it wouldn't be a viable pregnancy and you're not actually in there yet after all. So, now I'm going in for bloodwork in the morning that should give some conclusive answers. Of course, there's a holiday the next day, which means we'll have to wait an extra day, but at least we'll know. I've heard about people who have struggled with infertility getting these tests repeatedly, because if they become pregnant their levels need to be watched closely. I never really thought I would be one of those people, but most likely, here we are.
After all we've been through this time around, I thought the second I saw that second line on the test, I'd be ecstatic. Turns out that the excited but anxious fear I experienced last time wasn't a fluke. Apparently you can never really get comfortable with the concept of carrying a tiny baby in your body, because there's always something to terrify you. It doesn't mean you're not already loved--but on the contrary, the love is so immediate and so strong that the thought of anything going wrong just scares me to death. While I'm pretty sure that at some point you WILL be a reality, the thought that whoever might be in there isn't you, after all, is sad. I thought about why I wouldn't be writing this letter to them, just in case, but I decided that since you're the one I'm going to have the pleasure of knowing down the road, it's probably better to put my energy into telling you the story of you. If you're not in there yet, we'll meet whoever is there someday in heaven...which is awesome. But for now I think it's better to think of you as an inevitability, rather than trying to talk to someone that I might never have the chance to know, and starting over again after that. Just seems easier to believe that you're coming eventually and you're destined to be my child, whenever you happen to appear. That's all very deep, but hey, I'm new at this whole writing to my as-yet-unconfirmed child, so I guess there really are no rules, you know?
I'm doing my best to keep everything in perspective. I've said before that this time around it feels a bit more like a thrill ride. I know that parenthood is full of ups and downs, and while I'm grateful we haven't had any major downs yet, I know that it's just a part of the ride. The downs make you appreciate the ups. You always learn a little something from every experience, so no matter how sad an experience might be, I know there's a reason down the road for why that experience happened. So, even if this doesn't work out as planned, I know there's a reason--and in this case it may just be that, like I said above, you're destined to be my child. We're probably only having two, so if this one doesn't stick, I'll assume it was because this was a necessary step to get to you. And if it is you in there, I already can't wait to meet you...but invite you to take all the time you need getting fully cooked! If this pregnancy is anything like my last one, I really don't mind being pregnant, and if this is my last one, I'd like to enjoy it fully. It'll take a lot of time to adjust to the concept of two kids, so just take your time and if you can, take it easy on Mommy. Even if you're not in my arms yet, taking care of you can be pretty hard work. I'm not quite sure how four years of sleep deprivation and the exhaustion of pregnancy will mix, so I'm bracing myself for a bumpy ride. I guess when that exhaustion and nausea start kicking in, it'll be good news-bad news. Good news is that it's really happening and the hormones are haywire as they should be, and the bad news is that I will be useless for at least a month or two. Or who knows? Maybe this will be totally different than before and I'll feel great. Ha!
I'll probably spend a good chunk of time this pregnancy comparing to last time. I promise, I'll try not to compare you to your brother too much once you actually arrive, but I'm afraid it might be impossible to avoid since he's all I know! Seeing him become such a little person has really been a big driver in wanting to have another baby. I mean, I always wanted to have two, but until he got old enough for us to start seeing his little brain work and experience what came out of it, I didn't have full understanding of how amazing it is to see a helpless baby become a real person who you want to hang out with. Each stage has its miracles and discoveries, I guess, and the older Jacob gets, the more we see and the more amazing it is. It's also more insight into how far we've come and how quickly time goes, so we need to embrace each stage as much as we can before it's gone. Anyway, I hope he's a good big brother. He's not always the gentlest, but we'll work on that before you get here. Sorry to say you may experience some of that before you arrive, simply because he's got a tendency to kick me in the stomach when we're hanging out in bed or playing in the pool. I'm going to do everything I can to break him of that habit ASAP!
Anyway, there are all sorts of emotions flying through my brain these days, and I'll be very interested to see what's happening when my results come back. We still won't know for sure if you're in there, but we should know for sure if someone's in there. Which is when things would start to get interesting, even if we can't share it with too many people for a while. Should be quite a ride!