To our child-to-be:
Hi! I'm keeping the faith that you are going to be an eventual reality, so I decided to start writing to you to tell you the story of how you came to be. I wrote about your brother's story for most of my pregnancy, but I decided that I wanted to document everything this time around because the time leading up to that point is such a special time itself. It brings with it so many emotions and so much excitement (not to mention a lot of worry), and I thought this would be a good way to remember it. I blog about our family on the internet (don't worry, you'll learn about that soon enough) and someday this will hopefully make it to the blog to share this part of the story. But right now I'm not ready to share this with the world yet. Just you.
Two days ago, I went to the doctor. A couple weeks ago I went to the same doctor and she suggested that I take some medicine to make my body work a little better. Part of mama's baby making machine isn't working so well, and the medicine's job was to get things working again. My trip back to the doctor two days ago made sure that the medicine had worked, and then they gave me a shot to make sure that things kept working correctly. Daddy and I did what we had to do to try to make you (and we might try again, just to be safe), and now we just have to wait. In a couple weeks we'll know if it worked or not. If it did, we'll hope and pray that everything goes well and you grow perfectly for the next nine months. If not, we'll try this again next month and hope that will be what it takes to bring you into our lives.
Some people don't have trouble having a baby. Some people have babies without even trying. Please keep that fact in mind when you're older and you start thinking you're ready to be grown up. Chances are, it could happen easier than you think, when you least want it to. But once you're married and ready to have a family, I hope it's easy for you and your spouse. I never thought I'd have a problem with it, but it turns out that I did. I had issues when we had your brother, too, but we got very lucky and didn't even know he was on his way until Mommy started feeling not-so-great, which sometimes happens when you're pregnant. Mommy's not looking forward to that part of your journey here, but I'll deal with it if it means you get here happy and healthy.
Anyway, having to get help from doctors this time around wasn't a big surprise, but I was hoping you'd just surprise us like your brother did. After a year of trying, it didn't happen, so that's why we're getting help. There's nothing wrong with that, and in fact, it only proves how much we want you to come into our lives. We've been waiting a long time for you, and now there's a chance you're already in Mommy's belly, just a tiny cluster of cells. Most likely you're not there yet, but you never know. I was a little tired today! I'll be driving myself nuts like that for the next couple weeks, no doubt. This whole process is a little mind-boggling, because having a baby is such a big deal, and just thinking about it takes me through all sorts of emotions—joy, fear, excitement, exhaustion, confusion—and in the end it's all worth it. Don't worry if I seem scared out of my mind during this process—it's normal and it's not a reflection of my love for you. If anything, it just shows how much I love you (or the thought of you, at this point), because the fear of losing you is heartbreaking, while the excitement about welcoming you is one of the highest highs. That's how love goes. Consider that life lesson #1. Love is one big roller coaster.
There are a lot of things that scare me about having another baby and being a mommy to two kids. But I can't wait to love another little person as much as I love your brother, and I think it will be amazing to see him as a big brother to you. I hope you think he's the coolest kid ever, and he thinks the same thing about you. I'll tell you more about that later, but for now, just know that we hope you decide to show up in Mommy's belly sooner rather than later. It's ok if you wait another month or two, but I hope you don't mind that I'm wanting to talk to you already, just in case you're there already. Until next time...