I don't know if this was the point I was forgetting about earlier, but I meant to mention this last week when I posted about Jacob's fever so I guess I'll do it now since it seems like a logical next point after today's earlier post. Last Wednesday was the first time I felt like I let my job suffer for the sake of my child. I've always tried to be a team player at work--staying late when necessary (and sometimes when it wasn't), working on projects until I'm losing my mind and my eyesight to make sure they're done in time, and just doing what I could to help my two bosses out. Most of the time I can do all this and still be a pretty good mother because I'm still getting home at a reasonable hour and I've had all day to live a normal life before coming home to a Jacob-centric world.
Ever since I went back to work I've been a bit limited, however, because three days a week I have to leave by 5:30 in order to get to day care in time. I'd get to work earlier if I could, but I'm already getting up at 6:30 and barely getting in by 9 as it is. I don't think I could take any less sleep. Still, I think I've done pretty well despite the limited schedule and sleep deprivation. But last Wednesday we had a huge project going on, one that I was supposed to do a lot of work on, and I just couldn't do it. I had to leave early to take my afternoon shift with Jacob and his fever. I felt terrible that I couldn't be more helpful to my boss, particularly because my other boss was on vacation and I was the only hope to get this project done in time without her spending her whole thanksgiving working on it. I would have liked to do some work from home, but I never did figure out how to make my laptop work. I suppose I should work on that ASAP for the next illness. I just felt bad. I've always prided myself on being a good, reliable employee, and this time I just couldn't come through. I know that it was for the most important reason possible and that I shouldn't feel guilty, but still...it's hard.
When I worked in sports I used to say that even though people can do their job, it doesn't mean it's the best fit for them based on their circumstances. Basically...it's great that you can do your job, but that doesn't mean you're doing it well...and if not doing it well means that it's impacting other people negatively, sometimes you just have to take the high road and know what's best for everyone involved. I got to a point in that job where I just felt like I was too frustrated to do the job at the level I wanted to, and I left because it just wasn't a good fit anymore. Kids or other interests can have a similar impact. Your priorities change and it affects how your view that part of your life. While I'm nowhere near feeling like I need to rethink my current job, I'm always mindful of how much my home life impacts my work life. And the day it truly starts impacting people negatively on a regular basis will be the day I figure out if it's still the best fit...for me, for the company, and most of all for Jacob.
Now if I could just figure out the best way to use the rest of my vacation this month without leaving people hanging...