I have had some rather cranky, impatient moments lately. When I thought about it a little more in-depth, I realized that a lot of my crankiness can be boiled down to a couple main issues. I'm worried about letting people down. I'm also worried about losing control.
Every fiber of my being is screaming that my body has had enough and this baby can't possibly stay in there for much longer. Something on my body is pretty much always uncomfortable. If I lay down, it's hard to support my belly comfortably. If I'm sitting up, my sciatica acts up or I feel like my belly is in the way. When I get up from any sort of resting position, my body is sore. My muscles feel like they've atrophied, and the underside of my belly is sore. My belly often feels tight--either it's a muscular tightness (Braxton-Hicks?) or the skin feels stretched to the max. My back hurts, either from the sciatica or carting around all this extra weight. Some nights my feet and ankles are swelled up and tight, and even my hands are starting to feel a little tight. I wasn't like this last time, yet I still delivered nearly two weeks early. What does that mean for this time?
Despite all that, I find myself holding out and hoping that I have more time. Obviously the baby's health is first and foremost, and the longer he hangs out in there, the better. But beyond that, I have a ton of other reasons why I need to keep putting up with this complete physical discomfort for as long as humanly possible. I need time to get the baby's stuff ready, and I need time to get things at work ready. None of that should matter in comparison to the baby himself, but it does. And it's all making me a little nuts.
I fear going into labor because it means that I lose control. I don't really have control of anything right now, because at any moment my water could break or contractions could start, and from that moment on, I have no choice but to hold on for the ride. As it is right now, I have little control over my comfort, zero control over Jacob's frustrating behavior, and no control over the fact that Craig has a roadtrip this weekend. I can't control when labor is going to begin, and the mere fact that it can begin at any moment, as evidenced by my experience last time (normal night watching TV with no symptoms to leaking amniotic fluid in about five minutes flat), makes me crazy. I wish I could predict things, but I can't. And that loss of control makes me nuts. Whenever I feel another recurrence of my thinning mucus plug, I panic for a couple minutes while waiting for it to happen again, because there's always a chance that's the first of many. And during those few minutes, I get agitated and worry that it's just the beginning. If something's happening, my sense of control is gone, and I'm about to go through a ridiculously painful experience, like it or not. That's just a little scary, eh?
If I go into labor too early, my fear is that I'm going to let a lot of people down. I have so much to still communicate at work, and I worry about what happens if I run out of time and leave them hanging. I worry that this baby won't come home to a comfortable room and a calm mommy because I didn't have enough time to get things properly prepared. I worry that I'll go into labor at an inconvenient time for Craig's schedule, because he's nearing 200 straight games that he's broadcasted and I'd hate for him to have to break the streak or risk missing his child's birth. And, of course, I worry about what this whole experience is going to do to Jacob, from a few days without his mommy around to a lifetime of having to share his parents with someone else.
The double whammy of losing control and fearing that I'm going to let people down is very stressful. And that stress is making me cranky. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's a hard feeling to fight at this point. There's so much going on, so much at stake, and so much that's coming. It's hard to not get overwhelmed. But I'm just taking things one day at a time. It's all I can do.