Monday, February 11, 2013

Hurry Up and Wait

Today marked the beginning of another week of work, a week that I half expected I wouldn't get.  Given how uncomfortable I was on Friday, even more so than usual, I was very concerned that something was happening and I wouldn't make it through the weekend without going into labor.  But no, here I am.  And here I've been, uncomfortable for a good month or so, expecting to go early all this time...and yet it hasn't happened.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have made it this far.  I'm over 36 weeks, heading closer to 37, and the baby would most likely be fine if he was born now.  Every additional day is a good thing, but every additional day is also a challenge for me.  I'm finding myself stuck in a weird little world where part of me is ready, and part of me is not.  And considering last time I never felt ready, being at this point is an entirely new experience for me.

Even though I still have a ton of stuff to do at work, today was the first day that I felt a bit like I was ready to not be there.  I was running into a lot of frustrating projects that I felt like I didn't have the time or patience to do, and I felt myself getting pulled into new projects that could take me away from the other stuff I need to get done in the limited time I have.  I'd love to get as much done as possible, but the longer I stick around, the less likely they are to believe my departure is imminent...which is how I'm going to get pulled into projects that prevent me from finishing what I'd like to.  And the longer I'm there, the more apparent it becomes that my to do list was too optimistic.  Not only that, but being at work all day is becoming increasingly difficult--belly pressure, swollen feet and ankles, back pain, sore hips, sciatica, and just an overall general feeling of discomfort.  It makes it hard to function once I get home, if nothing else.  I don't want to leave them hanging either, but I'm starting to see that no matter what I do, I'm not going to finish everything and no one is ever going to be ready for me to go...so perhaps no time like the present, right?  If I was comfortable it would be a different story...but I'm not.  The longer I stick around, the harder it's going to get, in more ways than one.

With all of the signs and symptoms I've been dealing with, I feel like I've been hitting the fast-forward button, then getting stuck on pause.  I rush through things to get ready while I can, only to find myself with a little bonus time...which is good, but it's a bit of a roller coaster.  I get myself psyched up, only to find myself still waiting and trying to figure out what should be next on my list.  The anticipation is difficult to manage, and the longer it goes, the more anxious I get.  I worry about what new things I won't finish, and find myself obsessing further about labor and all the craziness that awaits.  I try to plan ahead, but the longer this goes on, the less confident I am that I can plan effectively. 

I don't know.  I feel like I've been doing nothing but obsessing and complaining for the last month about how uncomfortable I am, but I'm also trying to capture the essence of these last days of pregnancy because I'll probably never be here again.  I'm shocked that my body has held out this long considering how difficult the last month has been.  If I'd have known it would go on this long, perhaps I'd have been less diligent about documenting it all the time.  It's hard when we panic and rush to prepare, then find ourselves back on hold when nothing happens.  It just leaves a lot of wondering and anticipation in its wake.  As much as I am scared of going through labor, this back-and-forth thing has been tough, too.  And it's made all the more difficult by the physical limitations that make it hard to function normally.  I could be a little more patient if I wasn't feeling so crappy, or manage the physical challenges if I knew what to expect.

This has been such a challenge, and while I know it will be worth it, I certainly find myself curious about how all of this is going to play out... 

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