Apparently I've come to like breastfeeding. Not that I hated it before, but early on it was really demanding and all along there are these moments where it's like, "Is it really worth it?" But this morning I realized how much I enjoy it and how hard it will be to stop down the road. Here's a quick round-up of my last 18 hours or so, and how I'm feeling sort of sub-par as a mom right now. I know it's nothing to really worry about, but still...it's a blog...I'm sharing my feelings at this moment.
I picked up Jacob from day care yesterday because Craig had a work function. We went right to Wegmans to do some shopping and pick up a couple prescriptions. More on that in a bit. Anyway, Jacob was great until we had to wait for the prescriptions, at which point he started crying. I picked him up and held him while we waited, which worked for about 10 minutes. By the time we got to the register he was screaming and crying louder than I'd ever heard him. He kept going all the way through checkout, out to the car, the drive home, and me putting away the cold groceries once we got home. I finally got to feed him but felt horribly guilty he'd cried for that long...and that hard. I had to finish cleaning the house last night because we have company this weekend (it sorely needed it, company or not) and Craig's event went way longer than he thought, so I was trying to alternate between playing with Jacob and vacuuming the whole house. I felt horrible that I couldn't just hang out with him, particularly after the crying fit.
Now back to the prescription story...I went to the doctor the other day for a little checkup because I had a couple minor lingering issues from pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding. I got a prescription to help with one, and then I got a call yesterday that I have some sort of infection. It's just an overpopulation of normal bacteria, but still...another medication. In both cases I wasn't exactly given a vote of confidence that the meds were breastfeeding-friendly. The one is prescribed to nursing moms quite a bit, apparently, and after some convincing I decided to take them at their word. The one for the infection, however, just had really iffy wording about nursing mothers using it, and after a lot of tossing and turning overnight and a quick internet seach this morning, I decided to stop breastfeeding for the five days I'm taking it. I have a supply of frozen breastmilk that will help, and we may have to do formula a bit as well. I can't breastfeed again until Tuesday night, so it's going to be a pump-and-dump weekend. I need to keep my supply up but ditch whatever I pump. How unfulfilling. It's safest for Jacob, but I couldn't help but feel awful this morning when I got him up (he was so smiley and making happy noises) and then had to give him a bottle. He fussed a lot and finally I had to pass him off to Craig, since he's used to bottlefeeding with him. So not only was Jacob unhappy, but so was I. I desperately wanted to breastfeed him, both for his comfort and for my sanity. It's a nice bonding thing and I guess it's nice to know he enjoys it too. It's going to be a tough weekend and I'm just hoping Jacob doesn't forget how to breastfeed or decide he's done with it when we get back on track on Tuesday. The thought of not being able to do it all weekend is making me a little nuts, which just proves how much I've come to enjoy the experience now that it's not painful or so demanding. I'll still get to hold Jacob and play with him, so I should be fine...but I guess that's one bonding thing that just can't be equaled by any other experience. Who knew?