Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Getting harder...

I've decided it's getting harder to drop Jacob off at day care each day. I actually hadn't had to do it so far this week because Craig was working from home and did it for me, but last week I found it tough and again this morning I hated leaving him there. Now that he's more fun and less demanding, the thought of spending all day with him doesn't evoke the fear of frustration that I had near the end of my maternity leave. Near the end I was starting to feel a little isolated, missing the daily social interaction of work. Jacob would eat every two hours, so every hour and a half (or even less in the evenings) I was stuck back on the couch for another half hour or so. As much as I tried to nap, I still didn't sleep much and it was starting to wear on me. I was tired and feeling like I was in a bit of a rut. I was afraid to go out much on my own, and didn't want to strand Craig with a potentially hungry baby in the evenings if I needed to go out for a bit. Every time Craig had a work commitment in the evenings it drove me nuts because it meant that I'd be home alone without a break for that much longer. The one day I was so determined to get out of the house and feel like I had a life that I took Jacob out to this bar/restaurant where Craig's event was, in a torrential downpour. I probably gave the hostesses quite a laugh when I lumbered up to the place with my umbrella in one hand and the baby carrier with a blanket over it in the other...I wasn't exactly the epitome of grace, and to bring a baby to the bar (shades of the movie Sweet Home Alabama - "You've got a baby...in a bar...") on a night like that must have seemed crazy. But I had been looking forward to it for days, getting myself psyched up for the trip out, and I did not want to spend four more hours home alone!

These days I'm a little more confident. I'm still a little nervous taking him out, and it's not always the easiest to cart him around, but for the most part I do it as long as I can work out the timing around his feedings. My biggest fear is that he'll do one of his massive poops while I'm out, but I did survive one of those when we were on the road on Friday, so I suppose I could anywhere else...assuming I'm not holding him when it happens.
Now that I am feeling more confident and Jacob is more fun to play with, I'm constantly wishing I could spend more time with him. I try to carve out at least a few minutes each morning after his feeding to play with him before getting him dressed and rushing him off to day care. In the evenings there's always so much to do, but I do my best to make time to play with him as much as I can while staying at peace with my to do list. Work is great, and I still know I couldn't stay at home full time, but to get even a couple extra days out of the week to hang out with him and make sure he likes me more than the people at day care would be awesome (I know, I know...I'd just like there to be no question!). It's definitely made me appreciate weekends more. They're so much more than just a chance to sleep in now...though they're still good for that now that he sleeps through the night and will go back to sleep after the 6:30am feeding. I'll take what I can get! This past weekend was tough because I didn't get a lot of face time with him, but I think this weekend will be fun since we'll be hanging out with my parents and they get such a kick out of him. It's the best of both worlds...I get to spend time with him, but I have some backup when I need a break as well!

Even with a good weekend with him, I know it will be hard to drop him off again on Monday. He's just getting so cute and I don't want to miss any great moments! Just look at the picture below (4th and final in the series of the Saturday morning photo shoot), and think just how tough it is to say goodbye to that face every morning!!

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