Sunday, November 18, 2012

A Little Better

I can't say things are back to normal, but I'd say I'm a little better.  I'm still nervous to get back on the highway.  I haven't even driven since the accident, in fact.  I went to look at cars today.  I didn't quite get the exact answers I wanted, but I think it was progress nonetheless since I'm equipped to go to my second dealership tomorrow and lay out my demands.  If they can't match it, too bad.  There's still a lot of stuff to work out--funding, shuffling money around (basically, getting the insurance check, clearing it, and getting a new check issued quickly), and getting the insurance worked out--but we'll figure it out.  The whole thing is still a bummer and I'd have been perfectly happy keeping my old car for years...but it seems like the new Corolla might have some nice upgrades to soften the blow a TINY bit. 

I just have this whole pre-accident/post-accident perception of things that's still messing with me a bit.  It's like, I see a picture of something we did before the accident and I feel like there was a prevailing sense of innocence or something...and now that's gone.  It's almost like there's a shadow hanging over things now, in contrast to the relative innocence that surrounded us before the accident.  I'm hoping it will fade over time.  But I think that I'm not replaying things as much now, and I've slept better for the past couple nights.  I still question how to avoid this situation again when it was the result of a split-second reflex.  How do you reprogram that when you're not even 100% sure what exact reflex you're reprogramming?  It's hard to describe, exactly, but that's my big hangup right now.

In the end, the physical soreness really only lasted one day, and I only ended up with bruises on my arm and my knee.  Not bad considering how bad the damage was.  Even the bruise on my arm, which bothered me quite a bit the past couple days, isn't bad today.  The baby's been kicking away plenty, and I'm extra grateful for that nowadays.  I just worry now about my ability to keep this little guy (and his big brother) safe.

I did take a new picture of my belly today.  It doesn't look a whole lot different than the 20 week shot, but indeed, four more weeks have passed.  The belly doesn't stick out significantly more, but it has definitely rounded out a bit.
24 weeks!
I'm mostly just looking forward to this week, getting three days of work out of the way before a much-needed four-day weekend.  My plan is mostly to get out all of the Christmas stuff, and even start shopping if I can.  I already started a running list of gift ideas and have done some scouting when we've been out or when I'm browsing online.  Blame the nesting instinct for making me want to be super organized, but perhaps I always start out this nuts and get discouraged.  At least this year the Christmas stuff isn't making me nauseous the second I walk into the store.  I'm hopeful, and I'm really hoping the Christmas stuff gets my mind off of the past few days and pushes me into a happier place...rather than having the accident continue to be a buzzkill.  At least it's something to potentially keep my mind occupied.

We're keeping ourselves busy this weekend as well.  Carpet and car shopping today, and more shopping and a brunch for one of Craig's clients tomorrow.  Jacob has been quite difficult this weekend--extra distracted and mouthy--so we're working through that and hoping that a nice, normal bedtime tonight will make tomorrow better.  And if that fails, it's getting to be time for drastic measures.  I'm not sure what the missing puzzle piece is for him to understand that the potty talk is a problem and that telling us "no" when we ask him to do something is unacceptable.  We don't let him get away with it, but he still doesn't seem to learn from it.  I'm hoping this phase passes before baby #2 is with it enough to pick up on the rudeness.  God forbid he does, because my patience is already waning.

Anyway, keep praying for a sense of peace and the subtle refinement of my driving instincts/skills to ensure this never happens again.  Mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally, I just can't do this again.  There's far too much at stake now.

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