With the dawning of a new day today, I awaited the inevitable physical remnants of yesterday's accident. I don't know if it will get worse again tomorrow, but so far it's manageable. The worst of it is probably a rather large bruised area (no pretty colors yet) on my right forearm, which I'm guessing might be from the airbag. It's in a spot that gets a lot of action, so that's bothering me most. A spot on my upper chest where the seatbelt was is a little sore. A spot on the back of my head above my right ear is sore, though I don't know if I just hit it on the headrest, or what. The bridge of my nose is a little sore too, but again, I have no idea why that spot is sore since it seems like something else would have had to get hurt for that area to be impacted. Maybe my sunglasses fell on that spot when they popped out of their holder. My neck and shoulders are a little sore, too, but that could be as much from my Tuesday class at the gym as the accident. I also have a bruise on my knee, but that could be from almost anything. But all things considered, I'm fine.
What's probably not fine is my mental state. I have a feeling that part of recovery is going to take a while. I'm nervous about getting back behind the wheel on a highway. I'm worried about driving with Jacob, and even more with the new baby once he's here. Yesterday, before these minor injuries set in, I felt like the physical toll wasn't that bad. But as more aches and pains have cropped up today, it's becoming more apparent that the forces on my body were pretty strong. The baby is still kicking away, but could all those forces have knocked his brain around? I don't even want to think about what it would have done to Jacob, or worse, his baby brother. Kids (particularly babies) are so much more susceptible to those forces (hence why I'm a major proponent of keeping them rear-facing as long as possible), and it scares me to think of what might have happened with them in the car. I know how mentally traumatized I am by everything that happened. I can't imagine the nightmares Jacob would end up with after going through something like that. It was scary.
Like I said yesterday, my first accident had a clear lesson to be learned--be extra careful when changing lanes in traffic and don't follow too closely regardless. But this one...it was such a split-second reflex thing, and I'm not sure how I could have or should have done it better...or how to completely avoid it next time. Swerving happens, but how do you make sure you don't get in an out-of-control one when you're going full speed on a highway? I'm just not sure how to prepare for that again, and it scares me. The more I think about how much worse it could have been--the baby, broken glass, injuries in other cars, real injuries to me, kids involved, etc.--the more freaked out I get. What if we're not as lucky next time? I feel stupid about how much damage my car ended up with, to the point that I won't even let Craig post the picture he took. It was just a swerve...it should have been nothing, but something just went wrong and I can't pinpoint it.
I'm worried that I'll be held liable, which is not only tough on my ego but also on my wallet. I'm not thrilled about having to shell out more cash for another car either, when I was a few months away from being done with payments for the foreseeable future. I went through the ridiculous DMV forms tonight and have my title ready to send off, so at least that stuff is done. I dread the new car bargaining and the endless paperwork. I'm worried about having a new car and worrying about the first scratches...or God forbid, having to go through something like this again.
I spent most of last night waking up every hour, recalling the long day, and drifting back off again for a while. A day like today on not a lot of sleep wasn't really advisable, as I know that lack of sleep does nothing for my positive outlook on life. I'm concerned that this is going to cast a pall over our holidays, which I was so excited for. I just can't think of much else right now, and that's a problem. Work was probably good for me today because it forced me to do some other things, but inevitably my thoughts always drifted back. When will that stop?
The accident is over and the car can be replaced. But when you can't get the image out of your head and can't help but worry that it will happen again and impact other people, it's so hard to truly move past it. Pray that I can. I wrote last week about God's master plan, and I'm still trying to understand why I was in this particular place at this particular time. We could have been in Florida...or I could have spent another minute at daycare with Jacob and avoided the whole thing. So, why? I really don't get it. This whole situation has really stolen my joy--I've felt pretty much mechanical since it happened--and given that I am pregnant and the holidays are coming, I need that joy more than ever. Pray, please...for sanity and safety.
To end on a lighter note, I did try to move a little more toward normal last night. I have been very unhappy with the state of our bedroom pretty much since we moved here. Our room is fine--comfortably big--but the rug is pink and nasty. Our comforter, which I bought probably six or seven years ago, just wasn't doing it for me, and I didn't want to spend money on curtains for three windows or any real decor items if I wasn't sold on the comforter. Fast forward two and a half years, and our room is still the same. The carpet needs to get done--that was the plan for this weekend, actually, though car shopping might push it off if we can't fit in both--because Jacob's new room needs it, too, before we can do anything in there. Last week I happened to check an online bedding store I've always kept an eye on, and I saw a lovely quilt that just struck me as exactly what I wanted. After looking at the Sunday paper ads for years and finding nothing that fit my taste, this one was lovely and screams "grown-up bedroom". A real quilt with beautiful colors, in a nice pattern that should look pretty with our bed frame...and it immediately inspired the design bug in me. But it wasn't particularly cheap. I managed to find a 15% off plus free shipping code, but still wanted to think on it. Then yesterday I got a one-day 30% off plus free shipping offer, which knocked off another $17 or so. That seemed about as good as the offer was going to get, particularly since their quilts come and go with the seasons. While spending some money on bedding (of all things) didn't seem like the best thing on a day that would cost us a lot of money in the long run, taking the first step toward a bedroom I will love (finally) sounded like a pretty decent idea. And this quilt should hold up and last us many, many years, so buying quality seems like a good plan. Once it arrives, I can work on getting curtains to replace the ugly ones that came with the house that I never bothered to replace, and then get something to decorate the wall above the bed. That alone will make the room more like a lovely retreat, which will be a welcome change of pace. It's the little things.