Saturday, November 10, 2012

His Purpose Prevails

Quiet moments during pregnancy can lead to a lot of deep philosophical thought.  I mean, when there's another human being growing in your body, it's pretty miraculous, and if that can't make you ponder life and the universe, perhaps nothing can. 

The other day it occurred to me that nothing about this pregnancy has really gone the way I originally envisioned it.  When we first had Jacob, the plan was to have kids three years apart.  I decided that the four years between my brother and me was too many, but two years was not only too close for my sanity, but could be a little too close for giving my kids the social space they'd need.  Too far apart and there's not enough common ground, too close and they can get into each other's business uninvited.  However, when the time came to start working on the three-year span, there was no way.  Jacob was way too much of a handful, and the thought of paying for that much daycare for that long was intimidating.  We figured we'd wait a year, see how things were, and hopefully the financial situation, Jacob's behavior, or both would have improved by then.  So, on to four years we went.

Two summers ago, I went off birth control in preparation for working on baby #2.  I was hoping to get pregnant within a couple months (which, despite our difficulties, did end up happening last time) to aim for a late spring due date.  My cycle never seemed to get on schedule, just like last time, and I attributed it to "laziness" of my system after being on birth control for so many years.  Turns out it's a touch of polycystic ovary syndrome, but that's just another little unexpected detail.  We unsuccessfully tried to figure things out for months, then took a little baby-making break to work around the trip to Florida, which, ironically, didn't end up happening. 

I went to the fertility doc after nearly a year of trying to take care of things on our own.  I wasn't really sure if the treatment would work right away, though there were moments where I was torn.  If it worked right away, I'd get pregnant earlier than I wanted and set myself up for a winter baby.  If it didn't work, we'd be closer to getting on our ideal schedule, but there'd be the fear that something bigger was wrong and leave us wondering if we'd have to resort to more drastic measures.  Putting it off entirely to aim for better timing would mean having to go through the whole process again another month--figuring out my cycle (a challenge itself--we just happened to get lucky that time), getting another ultrasound, etc.--so we'd risk things taking extra long.  So, we went with it.  Craig was actually on the road for work on our "target" day, but things worked anyway.

I got pregnant on that first try, which was great, though my pregnancy test wasn't an obvious positive right away, which was different than last time.  Once we had confirmed things, I expected to feel like crap for a month or so, like last time.  Nope.  Two months.  Solid.  It made summer a bit more of a challenge than usual.  As a result of feeling worse longer, I was hoping this one was a girl.  Nope.  Not meant to be.  I'm settling into that fact, by the way.  I've also had random mini-issues during this pregnancy that thankfully weren't serious, but that was something I didn't have any of last time. 

So, here we are...having kids nearly five years apart, heading for a wintertime due date, and expecting another boy.  This is definitely not what I expected, but at the same time, I know it's all part of God's plan.  Despite my best efforts to do everything differently, this is where things stand.  That makes it extra obvious that I'm not in control and God has a greater purpose here.  I don't know what that purpose is or why He's taken us down the path He has, but we're here and have no choice but to have faith that there's a good reason for it.  God's master plan is far bigger than any of us.  In some ways that's awesome and exciting, and in some ways it's scary because God's plan often has some twists and turns we don't expect.  So to think we're part of a bigger plan is both awe-inspiring and anxiety-inducing...but in the end it's a plan and we're along for the ride.  Thank God He's the one driving... :)

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