Sunday, November 4, 2012

Mental Block

Lately I feel like I'm having a hard time truly living in reality.  Perhaps I'm denying it a bit because there's just a lot going on and it's hard to process it all.  It may just be a mental coping mechanism, but whatever it is, sometimes it's hard to fathom some of what's going on these days. 

For starters, I can hardly believe that in about four months, we'll have another baby in our family.  It's hard to believe we're in our final months as a family of three, and that we'll have a tiny, helpless baby taking up much of our time by next spring.  I see tiny baby clothes and can't believe our baby will be that small.  I can't believe we're coming to the end of a period of relative freedom, including an ability to sleep through the night and even sometimes sleep in.  I can't quite fathom that I need to pull the baby clothes back out and set up the pack-n-play in the only empty-ish spot of our living room.  We have a lot to organize and set up in the next four months, and I can't quite wrap my brain around how we're going to get all of it done. 

On Halloween I couldn't quite fathom that next year I'll be getting two little boys dressed up, and in a couple years I'll be walking up the street watching two costumed brothers go up to the doors together.  I can only hope Jacob will be the doting older brother who can't wait to teach his little brother how to do it all right.  When Jacob is being crazy, I can't quite figure out how I will deal with two kids acting like that.  When he's being sweet, I look forward to the great moments with another child, but worry about not noticing enough of those sweet moments when I'm tired and preoccupied with a needy infant.  How do you possibly give two kids the attention they need, when sometimes it's hard enough with one?

Even though my belly is rapidly expanding, it's hard to believe it's going to get a lot bigger, and then I'll have to go through labor and delivery again.  I'll have to go through all of the baby stresses, the spit-up, the blowouts, the illnesses, and all of the steps that we've been relieved to get past with Jacob.  We'll have to do all of it again.  And who knows, this one might be way different.  Oh, and in the next four months we need to find a name we like enough to use it hundreds of times a day for the foreseeable future.  Yikes. 

More immediately, our reality has been back and forth a bunch of times in regards to our trip to Florida.  In a matter of days we were supposed to be on a plane for a week at Disney with Craig's whole family.  The trip has been in the works for almost a year.  This is the one best time of year for all of us to go.  A trip for 11 people takes a lot of planning and coordination, and with Craig's work schedule it was no small task to find a time of year that worked for everyone where it wasn't also insanely hot in Florida.  The trip had been planned for months, but then last weekend Craig's mom needed emergency surgery.  Fortunately, by all accounts she's going to be fine and we're relieved that it wasn't more serious.  The bad news is that she can't travel for a month.  And once that month is up, we'll be in the midst of not only Craig's busy season, but also the holidays.  We put a lot of potential dates out there, hoping we could rebook it sometime in December or early January, but between Craig's schedule, blackout dates, and Disney being totally booked, there just isn't a good time.  The only option we've been given at this point that works for everyone else is the first week of February.  However, Craig has three games in eight days right around those dates, and I will be 35 weeks pregnant...meaning I'd be just one week away from the usual cut-off for flying at 36 weeks.  I also can't quite fathom walking around Disney that late in my pregnancy, and the risk of flying that close to my due date scares the crap out of me.  I went 10 days early last time and I'm pretty sure I'm getting bigger more quickly this time around.  I've been a bit more uncomfortable so far, and taking all of those things into consideration, I don't trust my body one bit.  So, at this point it appears we won't be going to Florida anytime soon.  It's a major bummer, for sure.  Ultimately, it just can't be helped.  Obviously there was nothing that could be done about Craig's mom's ailment.  It came out of nowhere and there's nothing that could have prevented it.  And really, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal if any one of the elements impacting the scheduling were different.  We have a convergence of two major holidays, Craig's busy season, and my pregnancy.  Take any one of those elements away, and rescheduling would be significantly easier. 

Anyway, our reality went from a week in Florida, to postponing it for a bit, to not having it at all.  When it was scheduled it was hard to believe we'd be soaking up the sun in Florida while it was chilly and blah back home...but it was happening.  And now suddenly it's back to being nothing more than a fantasy.  It's like when I have a realistic dream where I'm heading off to some amazing destination, then wake up and realize that it was just a dream.  It's disappointing, but again, there's nothing we can do about the "perfect storm" that left us so short on options, so there's no sense getting overly upset.  Fortunately, Jacob seems relatively unphased.  He may ask down the road when we're going there, but he hasn't really mentioned it since we told him we couldn't go (yet).  Guess we dodged a bullet there.  But now I need to find time to utilize these last five vacation days before the end of the year, on top of the days I'm already using around Christmas.  I want to use them well since I have so much I could do in these next couple months--for both the holidays and the baby--but scheduling around work on the fly is a lot harder than having set vacation plans and having to stick to them. 

So, yeah...there's a lot going on right now and my brain can't quite process it all sometimes.  This baby is coming and we have a lot to do in the next few months.  We won't quite have the last hurrah we were hoping for, but we have plenty to think about in the meantime.  We'll get there eventually...I hope.

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