Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Letters to Baby #13 - August 18, 2012

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I had an odd moment that I'm mostly chalking up to pregnancy hormones.  I was reading a blog post by a pregnant blogger, and she was talking about her feelings leading up to the ultrasound that would tell her if she was having a boy or girl.  Already having two boys and knowing this was their last baby, she was desperate for a girl.  She'd been so caught up in hoping for a girl that it just started to occur to her shortly before the ultrasound that something might actually be wrong with her baby.  She'd had a lot of complications but it never crossed her mind that something might be wrong with the baby.  In the end the baby was fine, and when I read the quote from the technician that it was a girl, I immediately choked up.  Part of it was joy for her, part of it was my perceived reaction to how I would feel hearing the same news, and part of it was guilt for how upset I may be if we hear that you're a boy.  I promise promise promise that I will get over it by the time you get here.  I will be so excited that Jacob will have a brother to share that special bond with.  But I can't deny that part of me wants someone to bond with, too, which is why it would be awesome to have a girl.  But if you're a boy I will love you no less, I swear.  But if you're a girl, that's just something extra special for me because it means I get to share things with my daughter like I shared with my mom.  There's a familiarity there, a way to relive my childhood in a different way than I do with Jacob.  But the brotherhood thing is so special, too.  It'll just take me a while to adjust, I guess. 

But it definitely caught me off-guard how much I responded to that blog post.  I just didn't expect that at all.  Again, I chalk it up to hormones, mostly, but it just kills me that this matters to me this much.  It shouldn't, but it does.  And for that, I'm sorry.  But I know the second I see you, none of it will matter and I'll just be happy you're here.  After a long wait and many months of anticipation, I'll be so excited to meet you (and so overwhelmed by the challenge of caring for you early on) that YOU—not what you are—will be my focus.

In other news, in some ways I'm starting to feel better, and in other ways I'm not.  I have moments where I almost feel normal, but then I start feeling not-so-great again.  Last night (a Friday) I went to bed before 11pm because I just couldn't stay awake and I didn't feel well.  That part is hard, because I had a lot I should have been doing but I just couldn't.  The house is a mess, the yard could use some work, but for now it's just not happening.  Hopefully my energy will come back in the next few weeks and my nesting instinct will arrive (not sure it ever really did last time, with the exception of a couple projects I was determined to finish while I still had the time) so I'll be compelled to keep the house clean and get things done. 

I can tell that some of my clothes are getting a little tighter, even if I don't look much bigger, so one of these days I'll have to take stock of my maternity clothes and shop for some new ones to get me through the awkward phase where I just look fat.  Yesterday I rediscovered a picture of a friend of mine from when she was about 11 weeks (which is what I am today) and she had a serious belly!  She was tiny otherwise, with this little baby belly, not chub like I have early on.  On one hand I felt bad for her for getting big so early, but on the other hand I'd love to fast forward through the awkward phase and just look pregnant.  Looking pregnant is fun.  Feeling fat is not.  It's all worth it, I promise...just frustrating when nothing fits!

Well, time to head out for a busy weekend of picnics (when all I really want is a nap!).  Keep growing and I'll talk to you soon!

Love,
Mommy

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