Friday, October 12, 2012

Letters to Baby #15 - August 28, 2012

Dear Baby,

We're past the 12 week mark now! I was really looking forward to getting to this point because I was hoping I'd be feeling better. And to some degree, I am. I'm not constantly feeling nauseous like I was before, but I'm still not feeling great. I have moments where I feel normal, but there are still times where I feel nauseous, or extra tired, or just generally blah. Some food just doesn't seem to agree with me. Workouts take a toll. Some of my energy is back, but I'm still tired enough at night that the house isn't getting cleaned and doing much more than sitting on the computer is asking a lot. I just feel like it''s one little setback after another, which is annoying since last time around I was already feeling much better by now. I don't have a day-by-day account to know for sure, but as I recall, once we went to Florida around 11 weeks, I was fine. Tired, but otherwise OK. Right now I just feel like everything I do has the potential to exhaust me or impact you. Yesterday I was pushing a heavy shopping cart around and I definitely felt the effects. My stomach muscles are always extra sensitive (that was one of the first reasons I thought I might be pregnant), so the littlest thing (a sneeze, turning wrong) can feel like a strain. I'm trying not to pick up Jacob because he's over the weight limit of what I'm supposed to lift.

I'm starting to worry that this pregnancy is going to be different than last time. After the initial phase of nausea and general blahs, I more or less enjoyed being pregnant. It had its difficult moments, but for the most part I was totally cool with it. This time around I'm already feeling a little stuck. I don't feel well, I am too tired to take care of my house, I can't lift up my child to hug him, and I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to be functional for the next six months if I'm already feeling limited now. I have a lot to do between now and then, and I feel like I don't have the energy or motivation to get anything done. I'm already feeling much larger than I was last time (at least based on what I'm seeing from my blog, the stuff I'm going through right now was weeks after this point), which I expected, but I'm worried it's partly because I've been eating more (trying to stave off the nausea). I'm just worried that this is going to get harder faster and I'm not going to enjoy this experience like I'd hoped.
Of course, I'm hoping all of this is worse because you're a girl, and sometimes they say nausea is worse with girls. I can hope. But if not, I'm bracing myself for what kind of boy you might be!

We haven't really told that many more people yet. I have one more person I'd really like to tell before sharing it with the world, but that hasn't happened yet so I still haven't shared much. I also find it very awkward to bring up. So, if it comes up, great...if not, they'll find out eventually. Is it bad that I want to tell people just so I can vent on Facebook and my blog? Keeping all this to myself can be a little challenging at times! We also need to tell Jacob. I'm hoping that we can do that this weekend, and when I go out shopping on Friday (my birthday!) I'm hoping to find a “Big Brother” shirt for him to help us share the news with everyone else when the time comes. Daddy is in Las Vegas this week for work, so I guess a few things would be on hold anyway.
I don't mean to complain. I'm so happy you're in there, but right now it's just a challenge to be going through this and not having as easy of a time as I feel like I had last time. More than likely you'll be here six months from right now, so I know it's just a limited period of time and I should just suck it up and try to relax. I get worried that not feeling well reflects something about your health, but hopefully it's just me and you're swimming along perfectly. You're a the size of a lime this week, by the way.
Time for me to go to bed, even though coverage of Hurricane Isaac is riveting. Stay strong in there and give me a few kicks if you can. I'm waiting!

Love,
Mommy

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