Thursday, October 18, 2012

Coping Mechanism?

This morning on my way into work, I caught myself thinking, "Hmmm, maybe I could do this again."  Of course, reality is a far cry from the random thoughts of a brain still reeling from yesterday's revelation.  I still haven't had baby #2, let alone being able to imagine a life with three kids.  As I said previously, three kids would involve a mandatory new vehicle, possibly a new house, and lots of extra money to either stay home and not pay for daycare, or pay for daycare for multiple kids in one form or another.  So most likely, it's not happening.  I'd be probably 37 before I'd be even remotely ready to do this again, and that's getting to an age where risks increase and general energy levels could really be an issue.  So, yeah, most likely it won't happen.

But this afternoon on my commute home, I realized that perhaps it wasn't merely a thought of a crazy woman, but rather a coping mechanism to get me through this sane.  The hard part of all of this was the finality--that if this one wasn't a girl, I'd never have one.  And while that's still probably the case, leaving the door open a crack may be just enough to not make me feel like all is lost.  I get that it's a weird little mind game thing, but if it works, great. 

My big issue right now is just general jealousy.  When I see friends on Facebook with a boy and a girl, or multiple girls, I have twinges of jealousy, or perhaps maybe just frustration at my body...like, "See, they could make a girl...why couldn't you?"  I'm actually a little annoyed at myself for not scheduling things a little better to take advantage of the apparent fact that "girl" sperm are slower but longer lasting...meaning that we should have done the deed a couple days early and hoped they hung in there until ovulation.  Of course, at the time we were nervous and just wanted to do things by the book for our first foray into fertility treatments, but knowing what I know now, I might have tested things out a little more. 

I'm still just a little sad and feel like I've lost a little of my enthusiasm.  I really had no idea how huge the mere hope of a girl was.  And yes, I'm mad at myself for feeling like this.  I want to tell myself to snap out of it and be grateful for my healthy little boy.  And I think eventually I will graduate to that feeling more fully, but I'm nervous.  What if this feeling doesn't pass?  Then what?  I know I will love my new son more than life itself.  As a mother I'm not sure it's possible to do anything else.  But will I always be jealous of people who managed to have a girl?  Will I always feel a sense of sadness every time I pass by the girls section of a store?  I don't want to live that way, but at the moment I'm not sure how to make sure that doesn't happen.  I guess it's going to be a process, but I'm not entirely sure where to begin.  Perhaps it would be easier if I was absorbed in caring for this baby right now...but for the record, I'm glad we didn't wait to find out, because four-plus additional months of anticipation, only to have the same result, would have been even worse. 

Anyway, I'll have a great distraction this weekend as my oldest friend Heather is coming to spend the weekend.  We've been trying to do this for ages, but it just never worked out.  This time she's coming back from a teachers conference at Camp Pioneer, the same camp where we had our Confirmands' Retreat the summer after 8th grade (and where I have my one family reunion every summer--the one Jacob puked at this year), so this should be a nice stop-over point since the drive back to Binghamton can be a long one!  I haven't figured out what we're going to do this weekend--and there's even a chance the boys will be heading to Buffalo on Saturday--but we will no doubt fill time one way or another.  Heck, I have some Hot Looks dolls that won't be getting use any time soon, so maybe we'll pull those back out for old time's sake! 

Give me a few more days and we'll see how things are progressing.  And I swear, one of these days I WILL get a belly picture on here!  Stay tuned...

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