Thursday, May 17, 2012

Where Things Stand

So, it's been a while since I gave a full baby #2 update and I suppose it's time.  Though not much has changed...but I suppose it's okay to know that, too.

We're pretty much past our self-imposed baby-making break. Assuming I got pregnant sometime soon, I'd be big by November's trip to Florida, but not unable to fly there and get around, so we're basically back to the safe zone.  However, I'd LOVE to get pregnant in August because it would set us up for a spring baby.  Not only could I enjoy potentially decent weather, but it wouldn't be crazy hot outside and we'd avoid the glut of birthdays and other assorted holidays we're getting into by this time of year.  Of course, given the problems we've had so far, it seems a little picky to pinpoint a time of year I'd like to have a baby, but that won't stop me from trying. 

I have an appointment in less than three weeks with a fertility doctor.  At this point it's more on the reproductive endocrinology side of things, where they'll hopefully check all my levels and see if they can figure out what's happening.  My cycle isn't exactly regular but it's not quite as crazy as it was a few months ago.  However, I'm darn-near convinced that I'm simply not ovulating.  It's possible to have a period without it, believe it or not, but based on repeated attempts at ovulation tests and never getting a positive, something seems off.  Additionally, a few months back my doctor checked my blood on day 18 of my cycle, and it indicated I hadn't ovulated.  However, my period came sooner than I would have expected based on that.  So perhaps it's just not happening.  If nothing else I'm hoping they can help track things a little better.  I'm also hoping there's a better solution than just popping some Clomid and praying that only one egg gets released.  Eeesh.

I had this random realization the other day.  You know how sometimes you hear about couples who try for years to have a baby, go through fertility treatments and lots of heartache, and then suddenly, randomly get pregnant?  My realization was, "What if getting pregnant with Jacob was our moment like that, and it just happened to take place more quickly?"  So basically, instead of having to wait years, our fortunate pregnancy happened fairly quickly...and that's as good as it will get.  What if that was our miraculous pregnancy?  That was a sobering realization, considering that most of this time I've assumed that even though it might not happen quickly, having had Jacob should indicate that the machinery can work.  But what if that was a super-lucky, one-in-a-million moment?  I'm obviously hoping that's not the case, but it's something to keep in the back of my mind.

On one hand, I'm desperate to have another baby. I'm dying to see Jacob with a sibling, and I'm craving a baby that snuggles and smiles and doesn't talk back.  I know that those moments won't last long and come with sleepless nights, endless worries, and poopy diapers, but I really want to do it all one more time with the perspective of a parent who's been there, hoping I'll enjoy it more this time around now that nerves won't be so prominent.  On the other hand, I'm getting more nervous.  I'll be nearly five years older than last time, with the added exhaustion of a crazy preschooler running around the house.  We're mostly done with diapers (just at night) and we have a fully communicative child that we can take almost anywhere.  We're facing a nearly five-year gap now, and when I see other people with kids that far apart, I often think, "Oh man, they finally made it out of the baby years and had to go back!"  One blogger I read right now has a six-year gap between her girls, and that seems SO long.  But then again, her older daughter is seriously the best big sister, always wanting to entertain the baby and read to her.  That sounds pretty cool.  It's hard for me to say if Jacob will have a hard time sharing the spotlight now that he's had it for so long, or if he'll be an awesome big brother because he's so grown up and will fall right into a teacher role.  I have no idea.

I'm still not quite one of the fertility-challenged women who gets bitter at the sight of a pregnant woman or a tiny baby, but I probably do stare a little too long in both circumstances.  A while back I sat behind a tiny baby at church and I sort of started to understand those people who say their uterus aches for another baby.  Yesterday at work we had a woman visiting our office who's about five months along.  I spent a good chunk of the meeting she was running staring at her belly, longing for one of my own.  It's not crazy jealousy or anything that renders me unable to act normally around such people, but it just adds a little layer of longing to those moments, a little sadness at the thought that it just might not happen again.  I have yet to decide what lengths I'm willing to go to to make this happen, but all we can do is keep trying and hope that my appointment gives us some help and insight into how we can best make this happen.  And when all else fails, we'll rest in the fact that God has a plan for all of this and His timing is far better than ours could ever be.  As nuts as Jacob can drive us on any given day, part of me is grateful that we have the time alone with him right now.  As he grows into a little person, it's easier to appreciate who he's becoming when we're not completely engrossed in another child (or planning for one).  This time is special and perhaps this is our opportunity to savor it.  In two weeks I'm running in the Chase Corporate Challenge, and I've been working my butt off training for it.  Last year at this time I thought I'd be pregnant for this year's race, so I guess this is a little bonus.  I'm taking full advantage and working toward running 3.5 miles in 30 minutes.  It's a tough challenge that I fight to achieve on a treadmill, but I can do it and hope to pull it off again on race day.  Maybe this is something I need to accomplish, to prove I can do it and give myself something to aim for someday when I'm working off another round of baby weight.  There are plenty of other possibilities as to why this is not God's perfect time, so in the meantime I'm hoping He's got the best plan ever on tap when the time comes.

So, yeah...that's where the baby business stands right now.  More to come soon...     

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