The Best of Times, The Worst of Times - Sports Edition

Last Sunday the Buffalo Bills played in their second playoff game of the year.  It was a bit of a crazy game, with the Bills taking an early lead and then falling behind for a good portion of the game.  The end was absolutely insane, with the Bills taking a lead, losing it, and taking it again.  There were 25 points scored between the two teams in the last two minutes alone.  When the Bills scored to take the lead with 13 seconds left, it seemed like they might have secured the victory at last, but this is Buffalo, and that's just not how things tend to work out.  Kansas City managed to tie the game with a long field goal as time expired, and then won the coin toss to start overtime.  Due to the stupidity of the NFL overtime rules, scoring a touchdown immediately ends the game, with no chance to tie it, and that's exactly how it ended.  The Bills couldn't stop Kansas City yet again, and that was it.  Season over.

I can't express just how heartbreaking it is.  It's four days later and I'm still really sad.  The day after felt like the day after the four lost Super Bowls back in the 90s.  To have victory be that close, with a team that has had absolutely incredible moments this season, losing just felt worse than usual.  Yes, they should have done better.  They should have been able to stop Kansas City on one drive or another and didn't.  But losing in essence because they lost the coin toss in overtime was just the icing on the cake.  They didn't even have full control of their own fate since only half the team got a chance to take the field, and after a game like that, it was just a terrible way to lose.  

The thing is, when you're from Buffalo, you're used to iconic losses.  As Craig's cousin's husband said on Facebook, just when you think Buffalo has found the most twisted, awful way to lose a big game, they find another one that's even worse.  The four lost Super Bowls, including "Wide Right", the Music City Miracle when the Bills lost on a last second play that included an illegal forward pass, and the Sabres' No Goal in the Stanley Cup Finals were among the worst.  There are other awful things that added to the futility, like being stuck in the same division as Tom Brady for about two decades, or the year the Sabres went to Game 7 in the Conference Finals only to have their best defenseman get a random staph infection (while many others were also injured) and have another defenseman accidentally shoot the puck over the glass and draw a penalty, which all contributed to their defeat in a year where they would have played the 8th seed for the Cup.  There have been countless personnel issues that contributed to both teams struggling for the better part of the 2000s, and the Bills have finally been that breath of fresh air we've wanted for so long.  But to lose this way, with 13 seconds left, is pure torture.  Ironically, much like that one Sabres' season, all of the other lower seeds won their football games (and Tom Brady got eliminated), which basically left the Super Bowl field wide open.  And now the Bills won't have a shot at it.  

Yes, we have an amazing quarterback that should serve us well for years to come, so there's a lot to be hopeful for.  He's talented and dedicated and fits so well in Buffalo.  He's got a great group around him, too, and I think the vast majority of his teammates love him and want to win for him.  The love affair between the city and players is as good as I've seen it since the 90s.  But I think I'm so jaded by past experience that I worry the magic will just disappear.  Team chemistry is such a weird thing, and a team that can be amazing one year sometimes just isn't the next.  At the tail end of the Sabres' last great run, they bungled two free agents and the team hasn't been the same since.  The Bills could lose their offensive and/or defensive coordinators, as they are both interviewing (and after this debacle some could wonder if that's a good thing), but what if something just doesn't work next year with their replacements?  Or what if--God forbid--Josh Allen gets hurt?  That could change everything again.   When everything is clicking on all levels and you get this far, seeing it all go away just stings because there's no guarantee it will happen again.  The Sabres stayed good for about seven seasons after they went to the finals, but never made it back, and the only other Sabres team that made it to the finals back in the 70s was much the same--lots of good years but no additional finals appearances.  We saw the Bills go to four Super Bowls with an amazing core of players, and as good as they were, they never won either.  The current team played a near-perfect game the prior week, and they couldn't do it despite countless heroics and even record-breaking performances.  So what more needs to happen?  What does it take to be the best, and why on earth is Buffalo incapable of doing so...ever?  It's absolutely gutting.

On the heels of that, we ended up having a pretty awesome sports night on Tuesday.  Jacob's school basketball saga has continued to have twists and turns since the 8th graders were sent down to the modified team in early December.  They didn't play any games until a couple weeks ago, and Jacob was frustrated by the level of talent on the team as he went through practices.  There's him and two of his buddies who are good, one kid who thinks he's good and can get some points but ends up being more of a liability, a few kids who might be decent on a CYO team, and a few kids that are lucky to be playing at all.  The first game was a bit of a debacle on both sides, with some kids who didn't even know where to line up for a foul shot.  Jacob played sparingly because they were significantly better than the other team, but put up a good showing for the time he got, so much so that the JV coach said he should have kept him on the team (seriously?!).  Shortly after, Jacob and the other two were called back up to JV.  However...in the time since the modified thing happened, we've gotten deeper into the debate of whether to change schools and reclassify.  Originally Jacob was content to sit out next year (as you have to when you switch schools while playing at the JV or Varsity level), but when he ended up not being on JV, he settled into the idea of being able to play next year after all.  If things go well he might even be able to make Varsity.  Well...then the call-up came, but we deemed it not worth giving up next year's eligibility for barely half a season and probably limited playing time at that.  We've had a few games in the meantime and Jacob has played really well.  It helped that the one kid who overestimates his abilities broke his hand, because that has made it much easier for Jacob to play his preferred position and get more time, and he's proved he is the best player on the team.  To see him finally get to show what he's capable of has been amazing.  He just sees the floor so well, and even when his shooting isn't perfectly on target, he's making plays and getting assists.  He got 14 points last Friday playing against a team of kids he may run into next year, since it was a combo team of his top choice school and another local Christian school.  Then came Tuesday.  They played at another local parochial school and he started a bit slow.  Well, he scored two points right off the initial jump ball and then took a while to get his next two, but didn't play the entire second quarter.  But in the third, he was on fire!  He scored 14 points in that quarter alone, including a buzzer beater almost from half court at the end of the quarter.  It was amazing.  He got put back in at the end of the game, partly because they were losing their lead and partly because the team was asking the coach since he was so close to 20, and sure enough, he got two more points to hit 20 for the game, the first time he's hit that level.  It was really fun to watch.  Tonight's game was much the same, with him scoring 19.  I had to miss it to be with Carter, but it's great to know he continues to do well.

The struggle with him has long been that we've seen his potential and he talks a big game, but circumstances constantly seemed to stack up against him--bad coaches, stuck in the wrong position, greedy teammates, losing out to the coach's kid, an off-day at the wrong time, having to hold back against lesser competition, you name it.  He would always talk about getting 20 points (or more) and would always end up with 4 or 6 or 10 instead.  We knew he was capable of more, but he just never seemed to catch a break.  Tuesday and Thursday (and to some degree the game before), he was finally unleashed with full support of his teammates, and he did amazing.  He's averaging 18 points in the last three games.  You can see his comfort and confidence, and how well he sees the floor.  He's a couple steps ahead of everyone.  He used to avoid driving up the middle at all costs and now has the moves to pull it off.  It's been such a bright spot, although it may all come to a crashing halt if his two friends officially start playing JV and he loses his support system.  But at least we know it's possible and it gives me hope heading toward whatever next year may bring.

Speaking of next year, we'll likely start moving forward on that as soon as next week when the application process opens.  His school doesn't really know we're leaving yet, aside from having to explain to the JV coach why he doesn't want to play now.  I'm personally not super comfortable with the new school for a few reasons, but that's just me.  It's smaller, whiter, and as a whole more conservative.  As we were sitting at the basketball game against their shared modified team last week, I looked over and saw numerous maskless white parents, and it was pretty clear who they were cheering for.  I was extra annoyed since the signs are pretty clear and it wasn't like it was their school.  It's a bit ballsy to walk into someone else's space and carry on your maskless protest.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  I found out later that one of their varsity games back in December was mostly maskless and ended up being a superspreader, so that doesn't give me a lot of comfort.  When we were on our tour they insisted they follow the state rules, but we saw a couple maskless kids in classrooms and a whole slew of kids in the cafeteria (not at lunch time) without them, so I'm not jazzed about that.  Hopefully it will be less of a concern by September, but still.  

Academically I'm sure the school is fine, but with its smaller size there are less offerings.  I talked to a friend of mine from college whose son goes there and plays basketball there (hence where I heard the superspreader story), and he loves it, but he's used to a small Christian school from Kindergarten on up.  I guess their language program is all online with Rosetta Stone, and while there are AP classes, she said that when her son didn't get into honors track classes because of scheduling conflicts, he wasn't as challenged.  I also just found a stat online that only 41% of students go on to a four-year school, compared to 92% at Jacob's current school.  I definitely don't love that stat.  Of course, if this doesn't work out, there's always the charter school option.  The prospective one that Craig is on the board of is opening in 2023 and because it would be more like a prep school for sports, we think he wouldn't have to sit a year.  But we'll see.  I worry about academics for a brand-new school too, and wonder how colleges would rate it.  The funny thing is a lot of his former teammates and fellow training buddies are in the midst of similar transitions--reclassifying, changing schools--and some are probably going to the school he's leaving.  There are lots of reasons on all sides to stay or go--academically, athletically, and practically.  The possible new school is closer and slightly cheaper, and also has a more tolerable uniform policy.  But is that enough?  Jacob likes being in a diverse setting--it's all he's ever known--and given that he didn't feel he fit in among the homogeneity or more conservative leanings of the kids in our church youth group last year, I wonder if the diversity on the basketball team will be enough to get him through the rest of the year, especially because I bet he will have less opportunity for intermingling there than his current school, which purposely mixes kids through their house setup.  The academics will also be entirely different--same subjects every day as opposed to an alternating schedule--which means more subjects of homework daily and likely far less time to get it done at school since his current setup includes significant unstructured time.  He's using that change as a reason he should reclassify, since he'll need time to get used to that before grades count for real, but I still worry there will be things that will bore him as he repeats 8th grade.  There's still a few things that need to happen before the reclassification can move forward, but I know the boys are eager.  I personally wish there was another way.

Otherwise, I'm mostly just getting frustrated because a state judge ruled the mask mandate was unconstitutional and it's empowering all these people that didn't want to mask as it was.  In the meantime, I'll apparently have to mask even better for work, since the University wants surgical or N95s everywhere.  I'm as sick of it as anyone else, but I also don't feel like getting omicron and risking complications.  Opinions are more divergent than ever, and it's simply exhausting trying to be a good person and yet seeing other people just not care, particularly when most are supposed to share your faith.

I'm tired.

News and Notes, All Shoveled Out Edition

It's the end of a long weekend and I am tired.  That does not bode well for this week, even if it's a short one.  

We got over a foot of snow last night, and there's a chance for more overnight, and after two rounds of shoveling, I am beat.  That was on top of barely being able to walk for two days because I tried a new workout on Saturday.  I am trying to get myself back into a workout routine because I just haven't been able to do it for months, and I can tell that my body needs some activity.  I've been trying to change things up with this smart TV workout app, and after trying a couple shorter programs, I did a longer one on Saturday after the elliptical (which is apparently now broken--the resistance won't go down) and it was pretty intense.  It reminded me of my old instructor's challenge workouts from between my two pregnancies, and I ended up rather sore.  In some ways the shoveling loosened things up, but then they tightened up again pretty quickly and added a tired back to the mix.  Suffice it to say I'm happy to not have to move much tomorrow once school drop-off is complete.  Whenever we get a storm like this (or really anything six inches or above), I kick myself for us not getting a snowblower.  But then I realize we only get a storm like this every 2-3 years, and maybe one six-incher per year, and realize that's a lot of money for only a few uses.  I don't mind the workout when it's manageable, but this was a bit much considering it took all four of us hours to clear the driveway.  Drifts were at least 18 inches and the end of the driveway was a solid couple feet high, and rather heavy.  Buffalo got even more, and some schools are closed there tomorrow.  Thank goodness today was a holiday or I feel like my stress level balancing the kids, work, and shoveling would have been through the roof.

A highlight from the weekend was the Bills' big playoff win.  It was in crazy cold weather, single digits with negative wind chill, but the fans had a blast under all those layers.  It was just the first round but they had what is being considered the NFL's first ever perfect offensive game.  They had touchdowns on every possession except when they kneeled, no turnovers, no sacks, fewer incompletions than touchdown passes, and any number of other impressive stats.  They won by 30 points against the Patriots of all teams.  Now they'll play the Chiefs, one of the NFL's reigning best teams, so we'll see if they can exorcise the demons from losing to them in the conference championship last year.  I've been a Bills fan too long to assume their perfect game means anything, because we went to four straight Superbowls and seemed good enough to win at least one (and led another at halftime) and yet here we sit 30 years later emptyhanded.  I feel this awful sense of urgency, though, because I really want to see them win with Josh Allen and I worry that coaches and/or players will start getting poached imminently (like this off-season) and the magic will dissipate.  The thing is, Josh Allen is such a perfect Buffalo athlete.  Buffalo athletes need to be special people--they need to be OK with being recognized and adored in crazy ways without getting too full of themselves.  They understand the passionate fans and embrace the community.  There's a wing at the Children's Hospital with Josh Allen's grandmother's name on it.  He just gets it.  He brings back memories of so many other guys that passionately played here and loved it, some of whom stuck around and made it home afterward.  The Bills and Sabres both had generations of players like that, and I feel like they've been harder to come by in more recent decades as the teams have struggled. Ironically, the last quarterback that had those vibes (but wasn't nearly as good) happened to be at the game, shirtless at times, cheering the Bills on.  Ryan Fitzpatrick actually lived down the street from Craig's parents and seemed to be a fantastic human being and a guy who appreciated living in Buffalo, so seeing him at the game brought a lot of smiles to a lot of people because he's evidence we did something right by him.  But for so many other players, they didn't have positive memories here and were probably in a rush to move on.  But seeing flashes of that again (and seeing those past Bills players support this young quarterback wholeheartedly) has been lovely, and I just want so badly for the ultimate success to finally happen here before something goes permanently wrong again.  

We mostly stayed out of the extreme cold on Saturday aside from grabbing dinner out, and Craig had practice early Sunday but got home late in the afternoon.  Otherwise I went to Wegmans and the boys did some basketball training stuff, and things were pretty quiet.  I even read a book in two days because it's due tomorrow.  The weather today meant that Jacob's game that was supposed to happen today did not, so now we have to wait until Wednesday to see how his next modified game will go.  His first one was frustrating as they blew out the other team and he not only didn't play much but was also told to hold off on shooting.  He really dislikes this team for a lot of (mostly valid) reasons.  We're still agonizing over the school thing--we went on a tour Tuesday which brought up a whole new set of questions--and then we found out this weekend that the team he was supposed to play on in the spring (which was actually a level below what he could play because he refused to play for a certain coach again) might not have a coach, so he might have to find another team.  Luckily there are a couple options that are intriguing in their own right, but it's frustrating to keep running into roadblocks with his basketball career.  It makes the school decision seem even more monumental, because if he makes these changes, he has no choice but to move forward even if things don't go the way he was expecting, which seems to be the norm.  

Have I mentioned that Jacob is trying to bulk up and it's driving me crazy?  It's hard enough to feed a growing teenager, let alone a gluten-free one who's trying to load up on the protein.  He's doing shakes, eating oatmeal and a hard-boiled egg for breakfast, always looking for better snacks (like the $6.99 bag of protein chips--ugh), and generally driving me a little nuts keeping up with it all.  He's also working out more in between practices, which is good for him but frustrating when we're trying to have normal family dinners.  It's working, as he has gained a few pounds and moved up his weight percentile a few points, but it has been a bit more dominant a theme in our daily planning than I'd like.  Most days I feel like I'm not prepared to be the mom of an elite athlete.  Have I mentioned I might need to take him to Philly by myself in a couple months?  It's...a lot.  But I'm trying.

Carter is chugging along.  He seems to be doing well with school and now takes so much pride in how he does on assignments and tests and how he progresses in his computer learning apps.  It's night and day compared to last year, where anything having to do with school was the last thing he wanted to talk about.  Now he asks me almost every day, "What do you want to know about my day?"  So I ask him what special he had or what he learned or what was fun.  It's hard to think of good questions, but I know that's a good problem to have when your kid wants to talk about their day.  He's winding down therapy, it would appear.  He has about four social group sessions left and a couple more one-on-one sessions, and then I think we'll be done.  He's progressed so well--in part because of the medicine but also through some other positive things that have created the good kind of perfect storm.  We still struggle a bit to pull him away from screens, particularly since he inherited Jacob's old phone and he still loves watching The Simpsons every chance he gets--in spite of all the Christmas toys in the living room.  It's still a work in progress.  I can't believe he's only a month away from turning nine, but I'm so grateful he's still a snuggly, loving kid most of the time.  We lost that for a bit in the midst of the worst of the pandemic, but he's a happy, positive kid again.  He gives me a ton of hugs, especially when I do something to make him happy.  This weekend it was two days of egg salad sandwiches and some rice krispie treats.  He still likes a snuggle at bedtime and it's so sweet when he holds my arm around him.  We're unfortunately still dealing with some challenges in the overnight department with his brain vs. his bladder, which all restarted back a few years ago when his apnea and tonsils/adenoids were causing problems, but nothing has seemed to fix it despite fixing those issues.  We're going to try something new hopefully by next weekend, so we'll see how the next few weeks and months go.  It just stinks because it's not something he can help and it's been a thing for so long.  I'm hesitant to try medication (crappy side effects), so hopefully we can get this figured out because he deserves so much better than what his body is still making him deal with.  

Craig is getting back into the groove with work after a month of almost nothing except some planning and lots of worrying, first due to the holidays and then due to COVID cases ravaging half the team.  He has two games this coming weekend, one home and one away.  It'll be a challenge for everyone to get back in the groove, I think.  It seems like the season has been going on forever but we're only a few games in.  

As for me, my problem-solving jag has continued, and probably even leveled up.  After buying bras last week (and deciding to keep them all), I of course bought bags to properly wash them so I don't destroy them.  But then I realized they were all crammed in my drawers (they don't fold like my old ones), so then I was trying to switch things around for them, which led to me deciding that maybe it's time for my jewelry to get a better setup.  I have command hooks holding most of my necklaces on the wall, ice cube trays holding most of my earrings in an underwear drawer, and an old gum megapack container holding my big earrings.  All of it's a little hard to wrangle, so I pulled the trigger on a new jewelry armoire that has a mirror on the front.  I really hope it works.  If it does, it will open up space on my dresser top, wall, and in my drawer, plus allow me to pass off my full-length mirror to Carter, who has a weird tendency to put his shirts on backwards (I think he gets distracted and just turns them the wrong way some days) and needs to get in the habit of checking himself out.  So, multiple problems will be addressed, and I'm hoping it arrives in good shape and doesn't have some of the issues negative reviewers (who were a minority) had with it.  At least I ordered it from Walmart for an easier return policy.  

It seems to me that when I don't have the ability or brainpower to address the big problems, I do what I can to fix the small everyday ones, just so one element of my life gets easier.  That's probably not the best route to go, but it's apparently a pandemic-derived coping skill I'm using a lot currently.  Maybe I should be figuring out how to get my kitchen renovated, elliptical fixed, windows replaced (our new one randomly cracked over the weekend), or call to get a new humidifier installed, but instead as I type I'm agonizing over another buying decision--this time for a Ninja blender.  My little single serve blender is on its last legs and Jacob uses it all the time now, so I was debating getting a big-time Ninja because I have always hated the food processor that came with my blender when we got married.  I want something durable and easy for Jacob and got it in my head that I can kill two birds with one stone if I get the full system.  But I barely use my food processor (partly because I don't like it but partly because I just don't need to) and my real blender doesn't get used much either.  But maybe with a better one it would?  Maybe I'd prefer doing cookie dough in the food processor?  Maybe I'd make my own smoothies if it was easier?  Maybe I'd try other new things...but maybe that's being too optimistic?  I just don't want to get something lesser and regret it, but what if the Ninja dies out before I feel like I got my worth out of the extras?  Sometimes we need a refresh to get into new habits but this would be an expensive gamble.  I can get a good deal at Kohl's, but I don't know.  

Beyond that I've been desperately trying to work through a mental block for weekly food planning.  Poor Carter got dragged to three stores the other night and I'm still struggling for ideas and ingredients.  It's like I've hit a wall and have no idea what to feed these people.  I might be fine on a main dish but struggle on sides (two acceptable veggies is not enough), or I keep doing the same sides and feeling like I don't have enough other options for main dishes because I'm blowing through meat so quickly.  I think I'm just tired and bored with what we've been doing and frustrated when ingredients aren't available for a while, and all of that gets me out of my routine and I forget what I used to make by the time something is back in stock.  Even my master dinner list isn't helping me these days.  

It's weird, because sometimes life seems really good and I'm blown away by how blessed we are, and other times I'm just weirdly exhausted and wondering what we're doing wrong.  It's hard to describe and sometimes I feel like my brain chemistry needs a little balancing, but I know that's probably a bit much and these are just normal problems amplified by a crappy, never-ending pandemic.  And I didn't even mention the COVID stress that omicron is causing right now as people are getting it left and right.  We solider on, one day, one issue at a time.  We're okay, even better than okay most days.  But it's still hard.  But at least this time, it's a four-day week!    

Control Freak

I don't know what it is about the new year that inevitably sends me into a bit of a frenzy to solve problems and reorganize my life.  I mean, I guess some people do it because the new year signals a "fresh start", or others do it because the Christmas clutter makes them crazy and they either need to reorganize to fit everything or they overcompensate with order after a month of excess.  I suppose some of that plays into my stuff, too, but I feel like January tends to be a time where I must find solutions to all the things.  Maybe it's a clearer brain after a busy December, maybe it's the lack of anything else happening in the dead of winter...or this year, maybe it's just my anxiety-ridden self trying to control whatever I can in a time where very little seems controllable.  I actually got a head start with reorganizing Carter's shelf space back in December, but now that the tree is down and our furniture is back in place, I'll have another job on my hands trying to figure out where to pull all of his new toys.  We'll see if that starts a new domino effect of projects. 

As much as I hated to take our decorations down this weekend, I felt a certain sense of calm thinking about my usual white/pine/crystal/silver/blue winter decor theme.  It does usually feel good to get the house back to a more streamlined level of decor for at least a few weeks, until I start editing the winter stuff again to make room for Valentine's Day.  The Christmas stuff really made me happy this year, and I enjoyed working from home to enjoy it a little more.  Our outside Christmas lights were still bringing me a lot of job, so I was sad to take them down.  For the inside stuff I usually get to a point where I feel like I'm pathetically hanging on to something that's done, and the stress of knowing it needs to be packed away starts outweighing the joy it brings me.  It was time.  That's mostly how I spent my Saturday, with a few last things today, and I'm feeling every bit of the activity.

As a side note, I've been getting nostalgic for my weekend away a year ago, when I traveled for my godson's baptism.  That weekend was pretty monumental since it was my first time out of town overnight (not counting Buffalo) since before the pandemic began.  My time alone at the Corning Museum of Glass was so relaxing (aside from the stressful Bills' playoff game), I savored my evening of wandering and pizza in Corning, and very much enjoyed a root beer float and a movie in my own hotel room.  It was the best kind of solitude, followed by a very special time with Heather and Mason (blog post here).  I can't believe that tiny baby is now over a year old and turning into such a big boy.  I can't complain since I had another one of those rejuvenating weekends when I went to visit them two months ago, but last year's was such a nice bright spot in the middle of the cold winter blahs, on top of feeling monumentally huge after being stuck at home (and almost never alone) for so long.

Now that we have officially entered the cold winter blahs once again (complete with real cold and even some snow on the ground--never mind that parts of Buffalo got over a foot the other day), I'm caught in this weird spot of trying to fix all the problems around the house but also work through this extra level of exhaustion it seems most of us are carrying around these days due to the ongoing pandemic.  Cases have risen exponentially to levels previously unseen.  Fortunately, hospitalizations aren't following at the same rate, but it's still concerning to see how many cases are out there and how easily transmissible it is right now.  We're hearing of cases left and right.  While I know we're as protected as we can be, and therefore less worried about how we'd fare, I still worry about who we could infect or how we'd manage quarantine, even though it's far shorter than it was last time.  Even still, you can just tell everyone is hitting a critical stage of COVID fatigue.  A lot of people mentioned it when the new year turned over, how there is just this low-level exhaustion that is making life exponentially harder.  It's not like the acute stress we all felt early on, and it's different than what's been felt since things really started to drag on.  You'd think by now we'd have settled into a new normal, and in many ways I suppose we have--the boys are doing fine with school and most days I prefer working from home--but the overall feel isn't really any better.  It's a mix of frustration with people that don't want to comply, being sick of restrictions ourselves, but knowing that we need to comply to keep ourselves and others safe, because the resulting guilt would be even worse.  The unpredictability of things right now isn't helping, either.  Schools have been closing or going remote as cases rise, and the other day at work, they asked for volunteers to do clinical work at the hospital half the week (while doing their own job the rest of the time) because quarantines have cut staffing 50% in some areas.  We thought we'd be past all of this, and yet here we are.  At the very core of things, I can't rest soundly knowing that so many people are going through so much, and that's before I think about the ways that we've been struggling or could struggle with worse.

So, I'm guessing my brain is compensating for the lack of control and anxiety by trying to fix or organize what I can.  I bought new bras because my main one is ripping.  I reorganized a shelf of my pantry.  I replaced my E-Z Pass, which I accidentally got from New Jersey instead of New York years ago, and therefore wasn't properly linked to New York's system for billing in the event it was in Craig's van now that there's cashless tolling.  I submitted my child care reimbursement claim (the money from two years ago that I thought I lost--but they reinstated it, thank goodness).  I bought a new brush because my round brush was pulling my hair too bad.  I reorganized my kitchen towels because their drawer was too jammed up and I forgot I freed up space in another.  I've done random deep cleaning projects because everywhere I look is another dirty spot--the slats of my pantry door, this weird crevice in my stove, our entire entryway.  I even went into the office twice this week (even though our work-from-home flexibility has been extended into February) because I had a massive filing project I figured I'd have time to do this week before Q2 books closed.  It was huge, two years' worth of fundraising appeals, and it was such a load off my mind (and desk) to complete it.  I've also been shopping obsessively for a jewelry armoire, because my current storage isn't working and I could use the space because my new bras aren't fitting right in my drawer.  It would solve multiple issues but I'm always worried about bad reviews.  

It all feels like weird little stuff but I feel so much better once it's done.  For a while since the pandemic got going, I've felt much more urgency to do things that could make my life easier or more enjoyable.  I still think through purchases and watch my money, but if it solves an issue and could make my day-to-day life a little smoother, I'm in.  A while back I bought quad cube storage bins from Amazon for our front entry.  We'd had a two tier shoe shelf in the spot, but I realized if I moved up an old, massive set of shoe cubbies up from storage into the front closet, I could move shoes there and have functional storage for Jacob's off-day school stuff, extra masks, basketballs, or other miscellaneous junk that collected near the door.  They were cheap and work well.  A couple months ago I rearranged my overfull pajama drawer so everything was folded into rows.  It brings me relief every time I look for pajamas and don't have to search or cram the drawer shut.  If I can make one little spot of life easier, hopefully that takes a little stress off somewhere else?  Probably bad logic, but I try anyway.

Another week is upon us.  Jacob may actually start playing some basketball this week, and he's also supposed to be checking out a new school.  We're going to have very cold weather, and maybe some decent snow.  Craig's got another weekend off coming up (after this weekend's game was canceled due to COVID on the team), and while we can't go see the UR men's basketball game like we planned, maybe we can think of something more fun since I won't be spending that weekend taking down Christmas!  I've got a boatload of work to do for work this week, but luckily I'll just be doing it from the comfort of home.  Still a lot on my mind, but things could always be worse so I'll look at the positives as much as I can!

New Year, Now What?

So...here we are.  2022 has arrived.  I feel like I barely even acknowledged it.  New Year's Eve itself was a bit of a dud.  We ordered take out from Red Robin, played the new Connect 4 Shots, watched a movie and the ball drop, and otherwise just continued the very low-key existence of the rest of our break.  We played with Carter's new toys, Jacob's gone to the gym a few times to shoot, and otherwise we just stayed home--lots of TV and movies, lots of phones, lots of late mornings, and lots of snacks.  Despite all the down time, I still felt like I spent most of it doing busy work--dishes, laundry, cookie baking, grocery shopping, picking up the clutter--but I did my best to play with Carter when I could, and I think everyone else had some good down time.  It's never enough, of course, and I know going back to real life is going to be rough.

As for the new year itself, I think our understated celebration just underscores our lack of faith in things getting better anytime soon.  After hoping for a better year in 2021 and getting a huge mixed bag, I think I'm hesitant to put any expectations on this year at all.  As a result, I'm not even really thinking about it being a new year.  It doesn't seem like there's much to celebrate, or at the very least I'm hesitant to celebrate leaving anything behind when we don't know if what's ahead could be worse.

If I'm honest, I don't think we as a family had a bad year.  Craig said something on New Year's Eve about it being a terrible year, and I know the end of his has really sucked because he's been on COVID patrol for his team, which has been exhausting.  But overall, many things about this year were better.  The kids got back to school full-time, we had opportunities to get back to "normal" work life while maintaining some better work-life balance, Jacob got back to more regular basketball, Carter got back on track at school, we graduated from family therapy, we finally had a decent vacation, I got a raise and promotion, and we had periods of time that almost felt normal.  But considering what we thought this year would look like a year ago as vaccines were giving everyone hope, the year definitely didn't work out the way we'd hoped.  There were still canceled parties, missing festivals, concerns with gatherings, more division than ever over COVID regulations, and real travel still felt very uncomfortable.  Delta arrived in the summer and changed everything, and now omicron's making things even worse.  It's just disappointing that we're not much better off despite all we've already been through.

While most years I'm a little sad we don't really have a crew to hang out with during this week for sledding or post-Christmas snack fests or New Year's parties like I see other people do on Facebook, this year I couldn't help but cringe every time I saw another set of party pictures get posted.  All I could feel was that everyone gathering was taking a huge risk.  Omicron is seemingly everywhere, and the farther we could stay from other people this week, the better I felt.  For the few places we went, we were sure to mask, and for the most part we were never in the vicinity of any person for more than a minute or two.  I guess I can't say for sure about Jacob's gym time since I wasn't there, but I can at least say I felt no need to test Carter prior to going back to school because he hadn't really been anywhere!

Craig had to test himself for work today per the league's new guidelines, and his was negative, so I'll take that as a good sign for the rest of us.  However, it seemed like every hour today he was finding out about yet another person connected to the team who tested positive.  There were a few who tested positive a few days after Christmas, but today's mandatory league testing brought another deluge.  They'll be lucky to have enough players and coaches by next weekend's game--assuming it doesn't get canceled first.  It just tells me that so many people have been gathering over the past couple weeks with people who were likely asymptomatic, and the odds are getting ever higher that we'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time at some point.  I know schools are going to get treacherous, if only because of unmasked lunches, so I'm bracing myself for the kids to get it, or schools to go remote due to outbreaks, or for schools to close due to teacher shortages.  It's incredibly nervewracking.  The good news is we're all as vaccinated as we can get--or at least Carter and Craig will be up to full protection in another couple weeks.  Craig felt terrible after his booster--he had a day of bad aches and multiple days of headaches.  Carter, on the other hand, had nothing but a sore arm.  Thank goodness, because it could have ruined his New Year's Eve due to my bad planning!  My parents are supposed to be going on a cruise in another month, and while that alone makes me nervous, at the same time I guess getting COVID now would mean they can't go anyway, so it's a mess all around.  Who'd have thought we'd still be in this terrible spot?

A local 17-year-old died of COVID this weekend.  My high school friend is still in the ICU, getting slightly better but still with a very long road ahead--assuming no random complications get him first.  It's sad and sobering.  Are the odds low that we'd have issues?  Sure, but odds didn't mean much to my second cousin who passed away.  The sheer randomness of who is bad and who isn't should concern everyone enough to take a couple extra steps, particularly because past infection doesn't seem to exempt you from a new one.  I think all of this plus a few other struggles on my mind--namely another high school friend (my age!) who had a stroke last week and the terrible wildfires that just destroyed almost 1,000 homes near Denver (a little too close for comfort to family)--has made for a bit of a tough "count your blessings" week or so.  Yes, things are tough, but they could be so much tougher so I'm trying to savor as much of our relative normalcy as I can.  

We no doubt have some challenges coming up--the rest of Craig's season, my department being extremely short-staffed, whatever COVID does to schools, and a couple big decisions to make for Jacob's future.  We're still struggling with his basketball situation, and that could leave him in a situation to not only change schools, but also stay back a grade to maximize his basketball potential.  I have so many feelings about that, but I know that's going to be a tough one.  

I think this week I've just tried to empty my brain of everything as much as I could to just relax and try to enjoy the family time.  We did get back to some of the sibling rivalry stuff again this week--they just can't leave each other alone when they have spare time--but I think we did our best to chill as deeply as we could.  I know there's probably more I could have put in this post that I'm just blocking out because I just can't deal with it right now.  I feel completely unprepared to get back in the groove tomorrow and I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting need to happen.  After Christmas there's always a need for a break, both mental and physical, and I think we all took it to an extreme this week.  Hopefully that's not a bad thing.

I wish I had high hopes for this year, but all I can do right now is hope that all these omicron cases give people some degree of immunity, hopefully with few severe cases or side effects to overburden hospitals or ruin lives, and cases go down sharply in the coming months.  But now I know better than to assume we won't get another variant that could make things worse again.  Our summer could be great, or it could be another lost opportunity.  Our holidays are definitely a toss-up at this point.  Maybe we'll get COVID, come through fine, and feel more confident to do more (at least until another variant works around that immunity).  But I've seen too much to assume things will be that simple.  Nothing about this has been simple and the weight keeps getting heavier.  Even if we're doing fine, there's a mental toll to all of this due to the sheer duration and mental energy it takes to constantly weigh safety concerns vs. mental and physical health.  A friend asked on Facebook what would constitute a "better" year, and it's a question I've asked myself since this started--what will make things feel better?  My only answer was that there would have to be significantly more resemblance to pre-pandemic life--kinder, gentler people, less illness, a return to more activities that we once loved.  I thought being back to school and work would make a huge difference, and while they helped, it wasn't enough.  Our summer trip helped, but it wasn't enough because we're still waiting for that trip to Disney to feel safe.  Our vaccines helped for a while, but they no longer protect others and are now merely a small personal insurance policy as we wait for our inevitable illness and quarantine to strike.  It's sobering and it's sad, even amidst the many blessings we've had over the past year.

I don't know what 2022 will hold, and I honestly don't even want to think about it right now.  We're back to taking things day by day and hoping for the best.  I hope in a year we can say it was "better", but if I was picking a theme word for the year, "confidence" would definitely not be it.  I hate to think it would be "survival" but that's what's jumping out right now.  However, as one of my favorite bands says, "I want to thrive, not just survive."  We've got a long way to go to get back to that, but all we can do is hope...very carefully.

...vs. How it Went

Well, I didn't mean to leave you hanging in suspense of the rest of our Christmas, but it's been a busy few days of Lego assembly and 10-hour work days.  The latter was not exactly what I had in mind for this week, but you do what need to do.  

I left off my last post on Christmas Eve Eve, where I'd finally finished up all I could and put the gifts under the tree.  We had a couple decisions to make--what gift(s) to hold back for Christmas morning at my parents' and how to handle a not-so-secret but important gift.  I opted to keep a joint gift for my parents' and leave the important gift boxed but unwrapped in our room to bring down later, Red Ryder BB gun style.  As usual I had my couple minutes of peace while looking at the tree and the lights before heading to bed.  Some year I'm going to be amazing at this and put on some music or a Christmas movie and enjoy it for a while, but this was not the year.  I was beat!

The boys let us sleep in a bit, but eventually it was time to get up.  They were eager to open and we certainly had a busy day ahead.  As usual, it was time for the traditional top of the stairs picture...

...and then it was on to stockings.

Even Craig got in on the fun this year--he had one gift in his, a tin of candy that was in the form of a Dundie Award from The Office. 

Lots of candy as usual, plus a Treasure X mystery toy for Carter and a charging cable for Jacob.

The boys opened their gifts to one another--another Treasure X thing for Carter and "The Goat" pajama pants for Jacob.  Carter's first big gift was long-awaited.  Last year someone gifted him a Lego Super Mario set, not knowing that the set needed a starter set to work.  At one point I bought the starter set when I got a good price, and figured we'd either use it as a reward or wait until now...and we waited.  He kept asking for it, and finally got it!

As for Jacob, he was fortunate that some timing worked out as it did, because he got a couple big gifts.  The first one was his new phone.  It's reconditioned but was becoming necessary since his old one will be falling out of Apple support pretty soon.  He was very excited.

Carter got a marble run, a thing called Pixicade that helps you make your own video games, some Akedo figures (they're like tiny Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots with personalities and weapons), and a Homer Simpson Santa ornament.  Jacob also got a Grinch DVD (the live action one), the pants, a phone case, and his annual ornament, which was a Lego one you build and then stick in a clear ball.

Craig got a Braves World Series Champs sign, which I intended for his Braves bathroom in the basement, but it sounds like he'd rather have it in the family room downstairs.  Oh well.

As I mentioned, Jacob's other big gift wasn't under the tree.  We had a little issue with him wanting to get a new Xbox--basically some games aren't supported anymore by his old one, or something like that--and Craig ended up getting it.  He had hinted to Carter that when Jacob got a new one, Carter could use the old one, which Jacob had been rather protective of--which Carter took as it was happening for Christmas, and subsequently told Jacob he was getting one.  Sigh.  So, to create a little suspense and surprise, we held it back for a bit, and then finally Craig brought it down.  Craig was originally afraid Jacob would freak out if he was expecting it and didn't get it, but he was fine, even if he was likely internally confused for a few minutes.

I wish I could say that the rest of the time at home was smooth sailing, but I'm not sure it would be Christmas Eve if it was.  I did have a little time while breakfast was baking to enjoy helping Carter with his marble run, but then it was off to pack up gifts that were traveling, get dressed and ready, then finish packing and get some food ready.  I had to pressure cook a dozen eggs to make deviled eggs, then peel and slice them, mix up the filling, and pipe it in.  I had a makeshift travel setup for them, and as a whole it went fine, but it took longer than I'd hoped.  I also had to slice up some veggies for a green salad.  Craig was getting antsy to leave, I hadn't eaten lunch yet, and I was just running around like a maniac trying to get everything ready to go.  Eventually we hopped in the car a little later than we hoped, but still well within what seemed acceptable.  Normally I wait for that moment of getting in car and exhaling deeply, knowing that all my work was done, but oddly that didn't seem to happen as much this time.

About halfway through the trip, I got a funny feeling I had forgotten to turn off one set of lights.  We have these LED stars from IKEA that I've had for years hanging in our front window, and for some stupid reason I put them on in the morning, I guess to enhance the gift opening mood.  I could not remember if I had unplugged them, and it freaked me out because they were probably the least trustworthy of anything we could have left on.  Sometimes their adapter feels a little warmer than I'd expect, but we're always there when they're on so I've continued to use them.  I panicked a little and then decided I had no choice but to text my cousin Lori to see if she could drive by and see if they were on.  They happened to be on the road to go to her fiance's family's and rather quickly texted back--they were on.  Nooooo.  Now what?!

Mind you, the kicker was that under normal circumstances Lori could have just used her key to get into the house and unplug them, but did I mention that Jacob's school bag went MIA from the JV basketball game he was at on the last day of school before break?  More on that in a bit, but because his house key was in his bag and we didn't know if it was purposefully stolen, I worried that someone could have tracked down our address and just walked in the house, so I changed the locks the next day.  I hadn't had a chance to make extras of the new key, so having Lori do it was no longer an option.  Sigh...it was a perfect storm.  

We were so confused about the star lights because we all remembered looking at the house as we were leaving and no one noticed them being on.  Craig and Jacob specifically said how dark they recalled it looking, and I even had to run back into the garage to grab the EZ Pass, so how I missed it from the porch I'll never know.  We made the tough decision to turn back right then (well, at the next exit), and I was a serious ball of nerves about the fire hazard on top of being epically pissed at myself.  I just didn't trust them--the lights had already been on all day, and how horrible if this was the time they decided to break and burn the house down.  Plus it was setting us back so long--already an hour into the trip, then an hour back, and then 1:45 more for the full trip afterward.  It was an awful way to spend our afternoon and I was tortured by the whole thing, to the point of physically tensing up and fidgeting endlessly.  I felt completely horrible and was convinced I'd just ruined Christmas--if not for everyone else (particularly Craig's family waiting to eat) then at least for myself.  

But, you know...leave it to God to redeem the mess in the strangest of ways.  Just before we arrived at Craig's parents', we were listening to the Christian radio station on Sirius XM and they were doing all Christmas music.  There was a segment where artists were picking their favorite songs, and no joke, my very favorite Christmas song, Labor of Love from the Behold the Lamb of God album, was one of their picks.  I have never heard it on the radio, and here we were, five minutes from our destination after this horrible, epic saga of a trip, and my favorite song comes on out of the blue.  The song is so beautiful, and it makes me cry even on a good day.  Had I been alone and not needing to look human in five minutes, I probably would have bawled pretty badly, if I'm honest.  I had felt like I probably needed a good cry for a few reasons over the previous couple days--nothing specific, but maybe just the combo of general Christmas stress and all the COVID challenges for the second straight year.  I never got the chance to let it out, and after what we'd just been through, I needed it even more.  However, I had to hold it together in that moment, but there were definitely a few tears that had to escape, mostly because it was such an unexpectedly poetic, redeeming ending to that crazy trip.  Only God could have made that song happen at that exact time when we weren't even supposed to be in the van in the first place.  I felt much better after that. 

We had a very nice time with Craig's family.  It was good to see everyone (mostly) recovered from their post-Thanksgiving COVID.  There were moments I wondered if that family time would even happen, or include all of us, but thank God, it was fine, even if there are still a few lingering issues.  We ate well (Carter ate close to half of the deviled eggs on his own!), I had a nice big glass of wine, and we enjoyed opening gifts.  The boys did very well, as did we.  Jacob got a Raptors blanket and some clothes, and Carter got some Hot Wheels track, more Super Mario Legos, some pajamas, and more Akedo guys.  I got a new George Foreman Grill to replace the one I've had since my first Christmas living alone, and Craig mostly got a bunch of clothes!  We stuck around for as long as we could and finally headed off to my parents'.       

It was a late night, as we arrived just before midnight, but everyone went right to bed and got to sleep in a little since church wasn't until 10am.  As I've tried to do with the boys since we started staying at my parents' a few years ago, I bribe them to take a picture at the top of the stairs like my brother and I did before coming down to open a gift. 

This year it was a joint gift, the game Connect 4 Shots.  It's like Connect 4 using ping pong balls, and is reminiscent of the Connect 4 basketball game we always play at arcades.  One of these days we'll clear off a surface to try it out!  

We did church and a delicious ham dinner with my parents before opening presents there.  Jacob got a cool basketball lamp that my mom found, and Carter got the game Operation and another Super Mario set that ended up being a duplicate, but is in the process of being replaced.  We had also brought gifts from Uncle John since we ran out of time to open them at home.  Carter got a microscope, which will surely make for interesting exploring with his rock collection and other things around the house.  I was excited about my new Dustbuster--our old one was on its last legs--along with a couple Pampered Chef items from Jacob's school fundraiser and a new glass pumpkin from my favorite glass guy!  We usually catch him at the Hilton Apple Festival, but that's been canceled for two years and my mom found him at the Letchworth Craft Show when she went with her sister this fall.  It's blue, so it's going to live with my blue glass collection year-round!  

While we were relaxing and digesting, the phone rang, and it turned out my dad's family gathering, the one I agonized about, was canceled.  My cousin's husband's family had a positive (same group as what ended up leading to the cancellation of Thanksgiving), so once again the host household had been exposed through them.  On the bright side, at least three of the four in my cousin's family had COVID last time, so the risk of them catching and spreading it was small.  Still, they deemed it wise to cancel.  My mom and I did stop over there for a bit to drop off gifts for the babies and I was hoping to grab the family tree stuff from my uncle (he had mentioned it when I texted him our tentative RSVP), but that ended up not happening.  We did get about a half hour or so of family time with the limited crew that was there, which felt a little less risky, at least.   

We opted to stay over at my parents' one more night so we could hit up the outlets the next day.  You'd think we'd need nothing after a successful Christmas, but no...we had quite the shopping trip.  New sneakers for Carter (and for Jacob (ugh--at least they weren't super expensive)), soccer cleats for Carter, a new backpack to replace Jacob's missing one (which may now just be a travel bag, or his next backpack), and another pair of pants for Jacob who outgrows them so easily right now.  We grabbed some lunch and stopped at Walmart to pick up some gluten-free foods and try to exchange the duplicate Legos.  However, the shelves were quite bare so we'll be ordering online!  After that it was back on the road and home for the big unpacking.  We did pretty well, honestly, but still some work to do on the toys.  We'll worry about that when we're not encouraging to Carter play with them at all times during break.  

I was definitely not ready for Monday work, and even less ready when my boss accidentally miscalculated when she was doing data for a year-end email and I ended up doing it instead.  That left me with two busy work days that carried over into the evenings--both doing her work and the work I was originally planning on doing during my two planned days.  The good news is that made me switch my second work day and I now get a four-day weekend instead of three.  Now I just have to check email a couple times to make sure my next Monday isn't hellish.  But on my off-time in the meantime we've managed to build a lot of Legos, do the biggest marble run in the booklet, and christen the new Xbox.  Carter has played with his Pixicade and is getting the hang of how to create games--it's actually really cool and I hope he embraces it even more.

Craig got his COVID booster on Tuesday and is still struggling a bit today.  Carter got his second shot this morning and we're waiting on his side effects to start.  I hope he's not too miserable for New Year's.  But both are in the nick of time--there are COVID cases popping up everywhere.  Craig's team is taking a hit, and cases are hitting records everywhere.  It's sobering and sad that this doesn't appear to be ending any time soon, aside from the route of most people getting the new omicron variant and hopefully having minor symptoms, which would provide a large percent of the population some extra immunity so it either starts running out of useful hosts or softens the blow for subsequent infections down to a minor cold.  The problem is that record high numbers of infections means even a small percentage of severe cases could overload hospitals again.  The jury's still out on omicron's severity, death rate, and long COVID chances, but presumably it's going to be a long winter regardless and we're trying not to take chances.  It'll come eventually, I have no doubt, but we'll do what we can.  

Despite today revolving around COVID matters, it actually turned out to be a highlight of break simply because we finally solved the saga of Jacob's missing bag.  As of that Friday night, he thought he had left it in the bleachers to shoot hoops for a few minutes at halftime, and it disappeared with his school work, lunch bag, school computer, and house key inside.  Initially we were waiting for the school to review the security tape to see if they could see if it was stolen, but we didn't hear anything.  I emailed the school yesterday, mostly to make sure he had a computer to go back to next week, and it turns out that most of his recollections of the day were incorrect.  Despite insisting he had it when he got back to school, the security tapes showed him without it when he came in the door.  He swore he couldn't have left it at Chipotle because he had his money in it at Target after that, so we thought maybe he left it by the register at Target after pulling his money out.  But Target didn't have it.  But because he had no other explanation for where it would have gone between there and school, we randomly called Chipotle.  AND THEY HAD IT!  And it was fully intact--key, computer, and all.  Thank goodness they were honest and thank God they kept it around for two weeks!  Considering they found his library card to ID it and there's a school lanyard in the bag, I wish they would have called the school, but whatever.  All's well that ends well, but I hope he realizes how lucky he is and pays a little more attention next time.  We bought a new bag the day after Christmas, but it'll keep.  At least we don't have to rebuy the lunch bag, calculator, or numerous binders.  Now I just have to decide if I want to switch back to the old door lock or stick with the new one until one of the kids inevitably loses their key again and we switch back just to be safe.  Oy.

So...just a few days left before it's back to the grind.  I can't say it's been the relaxing pajama fest we always sort of think it should be, but it never is.  I always have all these good intentions to sleep in, watch movies, play with toys, and maybe do a little adventure or two, but only a fraction of it happens in between a couple work days and whatever appointments or other things we have going on.  And tomorrow Carter will be feeling crappy and suddenly it's New Year's Eve and we'll just have a normal weekend to recover in time for Monday.  And then I guess the countdown to February break begins?  Well, at least we managed to have mostly a Merry Christmas, even if it was still an abbreviated one, and we'll appreciate these last few days while we can.  And on we go to hope and pray this next year is somehow better than the last two...

How It Started...

I'll be honest...I started a post a couple days before Christmas and in true Christmas form, I never got back to it.  So...I'm going to work what I can of that into this.  

The week or so leading up to Christmas ended up a bit stressful due to both holiday and non-holiday issues.  They ranged from the usual lengthy holiday to-do list to COVID complications.  We still tried to make the best of it, though.  Despite being nearly done shopping (but not quite) for a while, as of last weekend I had done zero wrapping and had no idea what I was doing for food.  I was still working through those last few gift decisions, but Saturday ended up being a pretty busy day so I wasn't solving much of it then.  Oh, but before I get to that, I never got a chance to post the final product of my painted nativity from my weekend with Heather.  She had dropped it off to my parents the first weekend of December when we stuck close to home after our Thanksgiving COVID exposure, and I picked it up the following weekend when my mom and I went to the two Christmas markets in Buffalo (plus a really cool craft/antique co-op near their house).  I'm really happy with how it turned out--not bad for a first time, anyway.  

Last weekend we got a chance to go to two college basketball games in Buffalo.  The catch was that Craig was on the road in Albany, and then--of course--the weather got sketchy for the first time in ages!  But we went and had a wonderful time.  We made it for the second half of the Niagara University vs. UAlbany game, grabbed an arena snack in between, and then watched an intense UB vs. Canisius game.  Canisius led most of the game, lost the lead in the 4th, and then retook it with 10 seconds to go and barely held on for the upset win!  I think Jacob really enjoyed seeing that level of play, and we ended up having a really great day.

The week ended up being busy with work, Jacob's practices, and final prep.  Even still, Carter and I finally got around to doing the gingerbread house we bought a few weeks back.  It turned out pretty good.  I did most of the icing application and he provided some placement and additional art direction.  We supplemented with a few leftover Halloween candies and had fun with it.  It's been a nice little snacking source ever since.  Per Facebook, apparently we're in the minority who eat them!

The front

The back

The roof

Wednesday was my long-awaited last day of work, and it ended up being crazier than expected.  The previous night I went to Kohl's to pick up pants I ordered for Jacob and find some pajamas for our sister-in-law.  I found some pajamas but had my eye on another pair they didn't have in her size.  When I got home, I realized the pants for Jacob looked like the wrong ones (they were a light gray instead of a dark gray), so I decided to place an order for those at the only other store that had them, a half hour away.  In the process I found the other pajamas I wanted to get in stock, so I added those to the pick-up order.  Well, of course it started randomly snowing on Wednesday just before I was supposed to leave to get Jacob from practice and go the extra 10 minutes beyond to pick up my order.  This was nothing like the snow we'd had that barely stuck--it was hardcore lake effect.  It didn't really impact the drive out, but by the time we picked up Carter on the way back, my car had a hard time getting moving at a green light when going uphill!  We ended up with about four inches by the following morning, despite not having seen anything about snow in the forecast!  To make matters worse, the pants I picked up ended up being the same ones I had--apparently the website photo is just wrong--and the pajamas ended up having terrible reviews (the material pilled and possibly bled onto sheets) so I ended up keeping the first pair and returning the second ones.  And Jacob ended up liking the pants, and our sister-in-law liked the PJs, so all's well that ends well.  Oh, and did I mention I bought myself a soft fleecy pair in the process?  Merry Christmas to me!

I started my wrapping early in the week and did a marathon session one night, a shorter session the next night, and had a few things left for Thursday.  Since Thursday was my one day off before our Christmas really got started, I had basically saved way too much for that day--wrapping, cookie baking, grocery shopping, packing--plus unplanned shoveling--but managed to work through it pretty decently, even if all the last minute food shopping and prep did stress me out as usual.  I always have to do cinnamon rolls the night before our gift opening, and then inevitably spend most of the rest of gift opening morning making whatever I'm taking for Christmas potlucks.  It always makes us get on the road later than planned, but there just isn't much I can do far ahead ahead!  But at least I got some cookies done in the morning and had a plan for the rest of the food.  Having to make 6pm church (and try to do it in time to sit in the church itself, rather than the gym) left us a little rushed after practice, but we made it work.  Church was nice--it was lovely to be back in person and have the traditional candlelight Silent Night at the end.  I missed that last year, for sure.  I can't say it was particularly comfortable sitting among all those people, even masked, but it was nice.

In the midst of all the preparations, there were a couple things really nagging me throughout the week, and both had to do with COVID.  

Around midweek, it was announced as part of the state vaccine mandate means that the arena where the Amerks and Knighthawks play is now banning kids 5-11 who can't prove at least one shot of the vaccine.  As a side note, it's a good thing Carter is getting his second this week because our doctor keeps the card after the first shot, so we have no proof for him currently.  Regardless, people were up in arms, and it was frustrating to watch the negative comments pour in.  In this case, even I am frustrated.  First, I understand people's hesitance to get kids vaccinated.  It's new and they're not in as much danger.  I don't blame people for wanting to wait it out a bit.  I know plenty of adults who are vaccinated but are holding off on their kids.  Second, people really enjoy sports events and concerts as a family, and now that won't be possible for many.  Sports teams in particular, but really many events, are already struggling to get people to buy tickets, and now lots of families aren't even eligible to go because they're trying to be cautious with their kids.  It makes me worry for the Knighthawks' future, honestly, in part because it sounds like their refund policies aren't exactly accommodating, which is only going to anger people further.  Third, it's pretty well documented at this point that vaccinated people can catch and spread the virus, maybe as well as unvaccinated folks.  Delta started the trend and omicron has made it basically the norm, or so statistics seem to indicate.  Omicron has spread like crazy and areas with it are exploding in cases--though, less so as of now with hospitalizations or deaths.  Let's hope it stays that way.  But clearly the vaccine is doing more to protect individuals than the greater good it once contributed to.  I know in the grand scheme of things the more people that are vaccinated means fewer cases, fewer complications, maybe less transmission to some degree, and hopefully less of a chance for another variant, BUT...aside from some sue-happy weirdo who might sue a place for providing the setting in which to readily catch COVID, how an individual fares with their COVID infection isn't really a concern for places like arenas.  So if even vaccinated people are readily spreading it (as college campuses make clear), your event has super-spreader potential regardless.  Why keep pissing people off and making them more vaccine-resistant for a modest, maybe tiny, difference in safety?  I just don't get it, and if I don't get it despite my beliefs, there's zero hope for about 40% of the population.  It just added to this whole unsettled feeling right now, where so many people are angry and there's so little hope for anyone coming together for the common good.

My other major struggle was my extended family gathering.  Craig's had gotten canceled, which was sad but not unexpected.  It was in a small space with a lot of little kids, and it would definitely feel a little scary.  My family's scenario was much the same, but my uncle assured everyone it was still happening, and I was so incredibly torn.  On one hand, I understood my uncle's frustration with not being able to gather as a family, either last Christmas or this Thanksgiving.  On the other, it would be a complete tragedy if someone passed away because cases were spread at the party.  He encouraged and offered testing, which I appreciated, but it took some convincing for me to even impart to my parents that they should test before the festivities since they went to three (mostly unmasked) parties and a concert in the previous week or so.  I think people have gotten too trustworthy of the vaccine and that's going to lead to a major spike in cases over the next week or two, especially now that omicron is here locally.  Oddly, with hospitalizations being less likely with omicron, I almost found myself wishing that if COVID did find its way into the party, it would be omicron--maybe more cases, but all probably less severe.  Anyway, Craig did not want to go, and I agonized all week.  On one hand, it felt unsafe.  On the other, I knew I couldn't stop my parents from going, and they were my biggest worry.  Morbidly, I worried that if they did get it and something terrible happened, I'd regret that I wasn't there for that last family Christmas party.  It was a terrible thought, but that's how awful this whole thing is.  Even by the time I was doing my grocery shopping Thursday I was still so torn that I was trying to think of a last minute dish I could bring just in case I decided to go.  The decision really did put a damper on everything.

Thankfully, I was able to get my wrapping done on Thursday, along with much of the other straggler to-dos, and while Christmas Eve Eve (our Christmas Eve) still wasn't exactly stress-free, I was content enough with how everything had gone leading up.  I wish I could say the same for Christmas Eve, but that's a story for another post!

Those Other Christmas Memories (and Trying to Make More)

Part of the reason I love Christmas is because it brings up so many good memories from other times in my life.  Most of them are probably childhood memories because that's when Christmas was so full of rituals and traditions.  There were school events, crafts, caroling events, Advent calendars, tree decorating, cookies, family memories and so much more.  Almost everything we do now for Christmas triggers some sort of recollection.  Once I hit adulthood, things got a little fuzzy for a while.  I have strong memories tied to the feeling of college exam week and the immense relief of finishing that last exam and moving out, giving me just enough time to decompress before Christmas and kick off a solid six-week break. I have memories of snow storms (both White Christmases and while traveling) and those early years of adjusting to Craig's and my joint celebrations--giving up some traditions, starting new ones, and our frequent interesting sleeping arrangements on Christmas Eve.  In those early years we enjoyed acquiring new Peanuts-themed decorations and seeing both of our ornaments on our tree, particularly by the time it was all happening in our first house.  This time 14 years ago we were wrapping up at Disney from our last big trip before Jacob was born.  When Christmas arrived a week after we came home, we shared our pregnancy news with everyone, which made for an extra merry holiday.  After that it became all about "kid Christmas", and those memories have certainly evolved since then to take on their own new traditions.  

Yesterday I had a series of interesting memories pop up on Facebook, and they ranged from mildly traumatizing to bittersweet.  Nine years ago yesterday we were in Montreal for a Knighthawks weekend (the one that felt sort of odd under the shadow of the Sandy Hook shooting, which happened while we were traveling), and Jacob had the funniest quote about wanting to go to Africa because there was sun there, which he remarked as we struggled through freezing weather and nasty winds walking across a parking lot near the Canadiens' arena.  I loved that trip despite the underlying sadness, and it's extra nostalgic because I was pregnant at the time.  

There was another memory from six years ago, where Jacob got diagnosed with his bone cyst in his leg.  That made for an extra complicated Christmas, getting him around with a boot until his surgery in late January.  Luckily it wasn't nearly as serious as it could have been, but getting that news a week before Christmas was a lot to take.  

Three years ago yesterday was our last day at the waterpark hotel in Canada, courtesy of Craig's old boss.  That was such a fun weekend.  It was a full year before COVID hit, but it still feels like one of the last fun things we did as a family before the pandemic because our travels that following summer were a little underwhelming.  Carter still talks about it!  It was also the last straw before we decided Carter definitely needed to get his tonsil surgery, because his snoring made him a terrible roommate.  But there were so many memorable things that weekend, from the dinner at the Brazilian steakhouse where Jacob discovered grilled pineapple and Carter discovered bacon-wrapped chicken, to the waterpark itself, to my quiet morning walk to get breakfast that led me down to the brink of the Falls to take some lovely pictures that still make me feel all peaceful.  

A year ago today Jacob officially started showing symptoms of COVID.  He had basketball practice the previous night and said later that he felt tired when he was running, but the following day he texted me from school about being stuffed up, and by that night he was feeling pretty cruddy with a 99 fever.  The next day he felt better, but with Christmas looming, of course we got him tested.  We didn't think much of it considering how much better he felt, so we were pretty shocked on Sunday when he came back with a positive.  You can read my post from the beginning here (ironically a memories-based post much like this one) and the pre-Christmas panic once we knew we were stuck at home here.  

I can't say I'm feeling super comfortable with Christmas at this point, knowing how quickly our plans had to change last year.  Just last night I tested Jacob (ironically) because he mentioned he'd been a little extra stuffy all week.  Negative, thankfully.  But it's just that simple, and I don't take that for granted.  Last year was a shock, but this year it's even easier to spread so it would barely surprise me.  We take lots of precautions but there are just enough risky things (Jacob's basketball, Craig's travel, Carter's school, my work and all the random running around I do) that it'll probably come for us eventually.

I just looked back at a post from a few days prior to Jacob's illness, entitled News and Notes, Christmas Spiritless Edition, because I remembered feeling very unspirited last year as we faced down an already-stripped down Christmas--and that was before Jacob's positive.  I just felt numb, and the fears I expressed in the post definitely foreshadowed what ended up happening--someone did get sick and we spent our first Christmas at home.  It was interesting looking at the COVID figures I put in that post.  Local cases are only slightly lower than they were then.  National cases are about half to 3/4 of what they were then, and deaths are about half.  Still, it's sobering considering a significant portion of the country is vaccinated and/or had COVID.  We're just not that much better off, which I'm sure is due to things I've mentioned previously--delta (and now omicron) spreading cases more efficiently, waning vaccination effectiveness for those without boosters, and the stubborn group of the unvaccinated getting sick at higher rates...not to mention people are now probably ripe to catch it again.  And yet, despite all that, I'd say I have more Christmas spirit this year, though I think after two years I'm also starting to forget some of the things we're missing out on.  It only occurred to me a couple weeks ago that we've gone two years without the Sunday School Christmas program, and Carter's just to the age where he could be having a bigger part.  Maybe next year?  We did get to enjoy Jacob's winter concert for his chorus class the other night.  That was a nice change of pace.  Then I dragged everyone to a neighborhood near the school afterward to look at a well decorated cul-de-sac, which I probably appreciated more than anyone.  

1963 called and wants its auditorium back--thank goodness this is next on the renovation list.

Jacob's in the middle with the black mask.

Even though my spirits are reasonably decent, I'm probably still lagging on a few things.  I've had a very busy period at work--down five team members and now taking over a bunch from one of them--so a lot of energy I'd probably be putting toward the holiday has been sucked up by being tired after a long, stressful day of work.  I did finally get a promotion and raise, though, so Merry Christmas to me.  I just wish it would have been based on past work and not the fact I'm now taking on a ton of extra work and they need to keep me happy.  

Despite not having to buy a bunch of gifts for extended family gatherings again (mine hasn't officially been canceled that I know of, but apparently we're not doing gifts regardless), we're still a couple short.  I finished up some stocking stuffers the other night, a few more gifts that need to ship last night, and some small things today, but still have some odds and ends to wrap up.  I still need to get my cookie plans figured out and I have no idea what food I'm taking for whatever gatherings we're actually doing.  I'm probably most panicked about wrapping since this weekend is it for significant blocks of wrapping time and we appear to have a busy Saturday coming up.  Of course, most of what I have to wrap is for the kids, so that's even more challenging when they're home and awake (and Jacob never goes to bed early anymore).  I have no idea when that's all getting done.  I might have to move my wrapping station to the basement and lock myself there for a while.  

So while I wouldn't say I'm spiritless this year like I did last year, I'm still feeling a little restrained--a bit cautious and quietly bracing myself to have a repeat of last year.  It wasn't terrible, of course.  We did what we could to make it special, and it was a lot easier to take since it was supposed to be a one-time thing.  I can't say I'll have the energy and enthusiasm to pull out another big save this year, if needed, although the past couple days have included some last-minute purchases and other browsing that I think were brought on by me wanting some "insurance" that if something does happen, we're well-equipped to make it merry.  Last year it was just reacting to a crappy situation and throwing everything we had at it.  This year it would just feel like a terrible letdown, and I feel like we'd be endlessly comparing to last year and trying to recreate the magic that made it as decent as it was.  But let's face it, that's not what we're all looking for this year. We just want a normal Christmas with normal family stuff that doesn't include the fear of infecting older relatives or the unvaccinated babies, but it looks like that will have to wait at least another year.  I sure hope I'm not writing this same post again then.  

This has been a long road that's getting a bit longer--not because politicians say it has to, mind you, but because we're choosing to protect ourselves and others as much as our mental state will allow.  Now is not the time to let up, even for the holidays.  I want to make more memories with family but not at the expense of future ones.  It's such a delicate balance right now.  Omicron could be a game changer--we're so close, and yet maybe just a little too far to reach Christmas without everything going down the tubes--again.  We'll make the best of it--again--but I'm nervous nonetheless.