Control Freak

I don't know what it is about the new year that inevitably sends me into a bit of a frenzy to solve problems and reorganize my life.  I mean, I guess some people do it because the new year signals a "fresh start", or others do it because the Christmas clutter makes them crazy and they either need to reorganize to fit everything or they overcompensate with order after a month of excess.  I suppose some of that plays into my stuff, too, but I feel like January tends to be a time where I must find solutions to all the things.  Maybe it's a clearer brain after a busy December, maybe it's the lack of anything else happening in the dead of winter...or this year, maybe it's just my anxiety-ridden self trying to control whatever I can in a time where very little seems controllable.  I actually got a head start with reorganizing Carter's shelf space back in December, but now that the tree is down and our furniture is back in place, I'll have another job on my hands trying to figure out where to pull all of his new toys.  We'll see if that starts a new domino effect of projects. 

As much as I hated to take our decorations down this weekend, I felt a certain sense of calm thinking about my usual white/pine/crystal/silver/blue winter decor theme.  It does usually feel good to get the house back to a more streamlined level of decor for at least a few weeks, until I start editing the winter stuff again to make room for Valentine's Day.  The Christmas stuff really made me happy this year, and I enjoyed working from home to enjoy it a little more.  Our outside Christmas lights were still bringing me a lot of job, so I was sad to take them down.  For the inside stuff I usually get to a point where I feel like I'm pathetically hanging on to something that's done, and the stress of knowing it needs to be packed away starts outweighing the joy it brings me.  It was time.  That's mostly how I spent my Saturday, with a few last things today, and I'm feeling every bit of the activity.

As a side note, I've been getting nostalgic for my weekend away a year ago, when I traveled for my godson's baptism.  That weekend was pretty monumental since it was my first time out of town overnight (not counting Buffalo) since before the pandemic began.  My time alone at the Corning Museum of Glass was so relaxing (aside from the stressful Bills' playoff game), I savored my evening of wandering and pizza in Corning, and very much enjoyed a root beer float and a movie in my own hotel room.  It was the best kind of solitude, followed by a very special time with Heather and Mason (blog post here).  I can't believe that tiny baby is now over a year old and turning into such a big boy.  I can't complain since I had another one of those rejuvenating weekends when I went to visit them two months ago, but last year's was such a nice bright spot in the middle of the cold winter blahs, on top of feeling monumentally huge after being stuck at home (and almost never alone) for so long.

Now that we have officially entered the cold winter blahs once again (complete with real cold and even some snow on the ground--never mind that parts of Buffalo got over a foot the other day), I'm caught in this weird spot of trying to fix all the problems around the house but also work through this extra level of exhaustion it seems most of us are carrying around these days due to the ongoing pandemic.  Cases have risen exponentially to levels previously unseen.  Fortunately, hospitalizations aren't following at the same rate, but it's still concerning to see how many cases are out there and how easily transmissible it is right now.  We're hearing of cases left and right.  While I know we're as protected as we can be, and therefore less worried about how we'd fare, I still worry about who we could infect or how we'd manage quarantine, even though it's far shorter than it was last time.  Even still, you can just tell everyone is hitting a critical stage of COVID fatigue.  A lot of people mentioned it when the new year turned over, how there is just this low-level exhaustion that is making life exponentially harder.  It's not like the acute stress we all felt early on, and it's different than what's been felt since things really started to drag on.  You'd think by now we'd have settled into a new normal, and in many ways I suppose we have--the boys are doing fine with school and most days I prefer working from home--but the overall feel isn't really any better.  It's a mix of frustration with people that don't want to comply, being sick of restrictions ourselves, but knowing that we need to comply to keep ourselves and others safe, because the resulting guilt would be even worse.  The unpredictability of things right now isn't helping, either.  Schools have been closing or going remote as cases rise, and the other day at work, they asked for volunteers to do clinical work at the hospital half the week (while doing their own job the rest of the time) because quarantines have cut staffing 50% in some areas.  We thought we'd be past all of this, and yet here we are.  At the very core of things, I can't rest soundly knowing that so many people are going through so much, and that's before I think about the ways that we've been struggling or could struggle with worse.

So, I'm guessing my brain is compensating for the lack of control and anxiety by trying to fix or organize what I can.  I bought new bras because my main one is ripping.  I reorganized a shelf of my pantry.  I replaced my E-Z Pass, which I accidentally got from New Jersey instead of New York years ago, and therefore wasn't properly linked to New York's system for billing in the event it was in Craig's van now that there's cashless tolling.  I submitted my child care reimbursement claim (the money from two years ago that I thought I lost--but they reinstated it, thank goodness).  I bought a new brush because my round brush was pulling my hair too bad.  I reorganized my kitchen towels because their drawer was too jammed up and I forgot I freed up space in another.  I've done random deep cleaning projects because everywhere I look is another dirty spot--the slats of my pantry door, this weird crevice in my stove, our entire entryway.  I even went into the office twice this week (even though our work-from-home flexibility has been extended into February) because I had a massive filing project I figured I'd have time to do this week before Q2 books closed.  It was huge, two years' worth of fundraising appeals, and it was such a load off my mind (and desk) to complete it.  I've also been shopping obsessively for a jewelry armoire, because my current storage isn't working and I could use the space because my new bras aren't fitting right in my drawer.  It would solve multiple issues but I'm always worried about bad reviews.  

It all feels like weird little stuff but I feel so much better once it's done.  For a while since the pandemic got going, I've felt much more urgency to do things that could make my life easier or more enjoyable.  I still think through purchases and watch my money, but if it solves an issue and could make my day-to-day life a little smoother, I'm in.  A while back I bought quad cube storage bins from Amazon for our front entry.  We'd had a two tier shoe shelf in the spot, but I realized if I moved up an old, massive set of shoe cubbies up from storage into the front closet, I could move shoes there and have functional storage for Jacob's off-day school stuff, extra masks, basketballs, or other miscellaneous junk that collected near the door.  They were cheap and work well.  A couple months ago I rearranged my overfull pajama drawer so everything was folded into rows.  It brings me relief every time I look for pajamas and don't have to search or cram the drawer shut.  If I can make one little spot of life easier, hopefully that takes a little stress off somewhere else?  Probably bad logic, but I try anyway.

Another week is upon us.  Jacob may actually start playing some basketball this week, and he's also supposed to be checking out a new school.  We're going to have very cold weather, and maybe some decent snow.  Craig's got another weekend off coming up (after this weekend's game was canceled due to COVID on the team), and while we can't go see the UR men's basketball game like we planned, maybe we can think of something more fun since I won't be spending that weekend taking down Christmas!  I've got a boatload of work to do for work this week, but luckily I'll just be doing it from the comfort of home.  Still a lot on my mind, but things could always be worse so I'll look at the positives as much as I can!