Those Other Christmas Memories (and Trying to Make More)

Part of the reason I love Christmas is because it brings up so many good memories from other times in my life.  Most of them are probably childhood memories because that's when Christmas was so full of rituals and traditions.  There were school events, crafts, caroling events, Advent calendars, tree decorating, cookies, family memories and so much more.  Almost everything we do now for Christmas triggers some sort of recollection.  Once I hit adulthood, things got a little fuzzy for a while.  I have strong memories tied to the feeling of college exam week and the immense relief of finishing that last exam and moving out, giving me just enough time to decompress before Christmas and kick off a solid six-week break. I have memories of snow storms (both White Christmases and while traveling) and those early years of adjusting to Craig's and my joint celebrations--giving up some traditions, starting new ones, and our frequent interesting sleeping arrangements on Christmas Eve.  In those early years we enjoyed acquiring new Peanuts-themed decorations and seeing both of our ornaments on our tree, particularly by the time it was all happening in our first house.  This time 14 years ago we were wrapping up at Disney from our last big trip before Jacob was born.  When Christmas arrived a week after we came home, we shared our pregnancy news with everyone, which made for an extra merry holiday.  After that it became all about "kid Christmas", and those memories have certainly evolved since then to take on their own new traditions.  

Yesterday I had a series of interesting memories pop up on Facebook, and they ranged from mildly traumatizing to bittersweet.  Nine years ago yesterday we were in Montreal for a Knighthawks weekend (the one that felt sort of odd under the shadow of the Sandy Hook shooting, which happened while we were traveling), and Jacob had the funniest quote about wanting to go to Africa because there was sun there, which he remarked as we struggled through freezing weather and nasty winds walking across a parking lot near the Canadiens' arena.  I loved that trip despite the underlying sadness, and it's extra nostalgic because I was pregnant at the time.  

There was another memory from six years ago, where Jacob got diagnosed with his bone cyst in his leg.  That made for an extra complicated Christmas, getting him around with a boot until his surgery in late January.  Luckily it wasn't nearly as serious as it could have been, but getting that news a week before Christmas was a lot to take.  

Three years ago yesterday was our last day at the waterpark hotel in Canada, courtesy of Craig's old boss.  That was such a fun weekend.  It was a full year before COVID hit, but it still feels like one of the last fun things we did as a family before the pandemic because our travels that following summer were a little underwhelming.  Carter still talks about it!  It was also the last straw before we decided Carter definitely needed to get his tonsil surgery, because his snoring made him a terrible roommate.  But there were so many memorable things that weekend, from the dinner at the Brazilian steakhouse where Jacob discovered grilled pineapple and Carter discovered bacon-wrapped chicken, to the waterpark itself, to my quiet morning walk to get breakfast that led me down to the brink of the Falls to take some lovely pictures that still make me feel all peaceful.  

A year ago today Jacob officially started showing symptoms of COVID.  He had basketball practice the previous night and said later that he felt tired when he was running, but the following day he texted me from school about being stuffed up, and by that night he was feeling pretty cruddy with a 99 fever.  The next day he felt better, but with Christmas looming, of course we got him tested.  We didn't think much of it considering how much better he felt, so we were pretty shocked on Sunday when he came back with a positive.  You can read my post from the beginning here (ironically a memories-based post much like this one) and the pre-Christmas panic once we knew we were stuck at home here.  

I can't say I'm feeling super comfortable with Christmas at this point, knowing how quickly our plans had to change last year.  Just last night I tested Jacob (ironically) because he mentioned he'd been a little extra stuffy all week.  Negative, thankfully.  But it's just that simple, and I don't take that for granted.  Last year was a shock, but this year it's even easier to spread so it would barely surprise me.  We take lots of precautions but there are just enough risky things (Jacob's basketball, Craig's travel, Carter's school, my work and all the random running around I do) that it'll probably come for us eventually.

I just looked back at a post from a few days prior to Jacob's illness, entitled News and Notes, Christmas Spiritless Edition, because I remembered feeling very unspirited last year as we faced down an already-stripped down Christmas--and that was before Jacob's positive.  I just felt numb, and the fears I expressed in the post definitely foreshadowed what ended up happening--someone did get sick and we spent our first Christmas at home.  It was interesting looking at the COVID figures I put in that post.  Local cases are only slightly lower than they were then.  National cases are about half to 3/4 of what they were then, and deaths are about half.  Still, it's sobering considering a significant portion of the country is vaccinated and/or had COVID.  We're just not that much better off, which I'm sure is due to things I've mentioned previously--delta (and now omicron) spreading cases more efficiently, waning vaccination effectiveness for those without boosters, and the stubborn group of the unvaccinated getting sick at higher rates...not to mention people are now probably ripe to catch it again.  And yet, despite all that, I'd say I have more Christmas spirit this year, though I think after two years I'm also starting to forget some of the things we're missing out on.  It only occurred to me a couple weeks ago that we've gone two years without the Sunday School Christmas program, and Carter's just to the age where he could be having a bigger part.  Maybe next year?  We did get to enjoy Jacob's winter concert for his chorus class the other night.  That was a nice change of pace.  Then I dragged everyone to a neighborhood near the school afterward to look at a well decorated cul-de-sac, which I probably appreciated more than anyone.  

1963 called and wants its auditorium back--thank goodness this is next on the renovation list.

Jacob's in the middle with the black mask.

Even though my spirits are reasonably decent, I'm probably still lagging on a few things.  I've had a very busy period at work--down five team members and now taking over a bunch from one of them--so a lot of energy I'd probably be putting toward the holiday has been sucked up by being tired after a long, stressful day of work.  I did finally get a promotion and raise, though, so Merry Christmas to me.  I just wish it would have been based on past work and not the fact I'm now taking on a ton of extra work and they need to keep me happy.  

Despite not having to buy a bunch of gifts for extended family gatherings again (mine hasn't officially been canceled that I know of, but apparently we're not doing gifts regardless), we're still a couple short.  I finished up some stocking stuffers the other night, a few more gifts that need to ship last night, and some small things today, but still have some odds and ends to wrap up.  I still need to get my cookie plans figured out and I have no idea what food I'm taking for whatever gatherings we're actually doing.  I'm probably most panicked about wrapping since this weekend is it for significant blocks of wrapping time and we appear to have a busy Saturday coming up.  Of course, most of what I have to wrap is for the kids, so that's even more challenging when they're home and awake (and Jacob never goes to bed early anymore).  I have no idea when that's all getting done.  I might have to move my wrapping station to the basement and lock myself there for a while.  

So while I wouldn't say I'm spiritless this year like I did last year, I'm still feeling a little restrained--a bit cautious and quietly bracing myself to have a repeat of last year.  It wasn't terrible, of course.  We did what we could to make it special, and it was a lot easier to take since it was supposed to be a one-time thing.  I can't say I'll have the energy and enthusiasm to pull out another big save this year, if needed, although the past couple days have included some last-minute purchases and other browsing that I think were brought on by me wanting some "insurance" that if something does happen, we're well-equipped to make it merry.  Last year it was just reacting to a crappy situation and throwing everything we had at it.  This year it would just feel like a terrible letdown, and I feel like we'd be endlessly comparing to last year and trying to recreate the magic that made it as decent as it was.  But let's face it, that's not what we're all looking for this year. We just want a normal Christmas with normal family stuff that doesn't include the fear of infecting older relatives or the unvaccinated babies, but it looks like that will have to wait at least another year.  I sure hope I'm not writing this same post again then.  

This has been a long road that's getting a bit longer--not because politicians say it has to, mind you, but because we're choosing to protect ourselves and others as much as our mental state will allow.  Now is not the time to let up, even for the holidays.  I want to make more memories with family but not at the expense of future ones.  It's such a delicate balance right now.  Omicron could be a game changer--we're so close, and yet maybe just a little too far to reach Christmas without everything going down the tubes--again.  We'll make the best of it--again--but I'm nervous nonetheless.