One year ago...

One year ago today Craig and I were just getting settled on vacation in Florida. As much as that life is a world away now, sometimes it just seems like it wasn't that long ago...certainly not a year. So much has changed. There are days when I can hardly believe that I've gone through an entire pregnancy and have a nearly six-month-old baby since we were in Florida last year. It was somewhat of a last hurrah for us as far as getaways go, so it was definitely a special time.

I have a lot of random things that come to mind from that trip. I was so nervous about traveling pregnant, from imaginary risks of flying to real risks of riding rides, from worrying about feeling good enough to enjoy it to fears of what would happen if something went wrong while we were there. I won't lie...I did have this random thought about how horrible it would be if, say, the plane crashed and Lori would have been left with the issue of telling people I was pregnant. Yikes. Fortunately none of that was a problem. We had a wonderful trip that was only besmirched by horrific travel on the way home (a canceled flight, missed connection, and 10 hours of delays due to LOTS of snow).

I vividly remember the joy of getting down there, taking in the warm weather, giddily changing out of my jeans and hoodie, relishing the feeling of flip flops on my feet, and heading off to lunch at CiCi's Pizza (yummy pizza buffet, for those of you who have never seen the commercials on TV) while we waited for our FREE accomodations to be ready (golf tournament prize that Craig won years ago). CiCi's was a planned stop because I had been dying to go to one and it was right down the street from our apartment. I was still in my bottomless pit phase, so the buffet was awesome and I ate a ton. Miraculously, I starting coming out of my first trimester blahs right in time for the trip, so that was a relief. I think I had a couple mornings where I wasn't feeling particularly chipper, and I think there were a couple evenings where I conked out a little early, but that was about it. I remember being a little self-conscious about my belly when I put on my swimsuit, though I wasn't really showing at the time...a bit bloated maybe, but that was about it.

I agonized over not being able to ride rides at Disney. I had been waiting years to ride Space Mountain and so many other rides, and most of them had pregnancy warnings. Ugh. At that point it probably wouldn't have been an issue (a placenta detachment from jarring motion or G-forces might have been the biggest fear), but I figured it wasn't worth the risk. The only exception I made was the safari ride at Animal Kingdom because, well, isn't that the whole point of the place? I did some research online and people said it wasn't that rough and was fine for (early) pregnant women. And thank goodness, because it was really great. My energy level held up really well with all of the walking we did, and we really covered a lot over the course of the week.

We did a lot of Christmas shopping over the course of the trip, which was a godsend in the midst of not having had the energy to do much shopping prior to the trip. We also looked at all of the baby stuff with a newfound appreciation, though we didn't buy anything since most was either pink or blue and we didn't know what we were having...and I think at that point we didn't want to jinx it. As we went through the various attractions at the parks, we talked a lot about coming back someday with our kids, noting in particular things that we thought we'd all really enjoy and appreciate more with kids than we did as a couple. I do think it was a little sobering to look around and see people juggling kids and all of the stuff that they require, not to mention the thought of how much it costs to feed kids there. Yikes. Definitely intimidating.

But here we are a year later with an amazing little boy. While a vacation would be nice I don't know if I could be away from Jacob for too long. On the other hand, I'm still a little nervous about traveling with an infant. I can barely get myself through an airport, let alone a baby, a car seat, and whatever else. Oh well. It's been a whirlwind year, but what an adventure. I'll leave you with some pics from the trip, as well as a very holiday-appropriate video of the fantastic light show at Disney-MGM....awesome.

Cinderella's Castle...pretty :)

All Legos...except Craig, obviously!

Me with Figment...my favorite character from my last trip to Disney!

The only picture we had of us together, in front of Canada at EPCOT.

And now...more Christmas lights than I have ever seen in my life...

Feeling better...

Fortunately I am feeling better today. I am still scared that Jacob is going to catch whatever I had/have. He's at daycare today so it's been nice to just recover a bit and not worry about getting him sick. I will be going to get him in a few hours, so I'm sure I'll worry about it again tonight. Even though the worst appears to be over, my body went through quite a bit yesterday....I probably ate 20% of what I usually do, and all of that forceful ejection of what was in my body wiped me out. I am still recovering a bit today. I feel good enough that I can get some things done, but I usually need a bit of a rest afterward.

It's been an odd day being home alone. I haven't had this experience in a long time. To nap uninterrupted, to clean things up at will without having to think about what to do with Jacob....it's strange. I may still try to get one more nap in before I head off to go get him. I've been pumping as usual today, but I'm getting very little out. I think the dehydration is impacting my milk supply big time. In two pumpings I only have six ounces, and usually I have about 10. I will probably try to pump one more time before I go get him, too. We made Jacob an additional bottle this morning because he still seemed hungry but kept popping off, presumably because there wasn't anything there for him. Poor guy. Hopefully we'll get back on track soon.

I'm grateful that this illness didn't last longer, partly because I'd go nuts (couldn't help but cringe at the thought of feeling like I did yesterday for three months...SO incredibly thankful I didn't have morning sickness!!) and partly because I have a lot to do at work in the next couple weeks before a blissful week and a half off! I feel bad not being there, but obviously they don't want to catch what I had either. I am definitely looking forward to time off at Christmas...lots of uninterrupted time with Jacob, which will be awesome.

Well, I'm off to nap and maybe get the tree decorated...since that didn't happen yesterday!

Sick Mommy :(

Today was not fun. This morning on the way to church I just suddenly didn't feel well. My stomach gurgled a bit during church and although I was starting to feel tired, I did some running around with Jacob while we were already out and about. Long story short, by mid-afternoon I was not doing well. Craig was on the road for a lacrosse game, so I was feeling really stuck. I called Lori and had her come in to take care of Jacob. It was a lifesaver, because I was puking by this evening. All I can do is hope that it's not something contagious, because I do NOT want Jacob getting this. It's hard enough when it comes out of both ends, let alone when a baby can't run himself to the bathroom. After two rounds worshipping the porcelain god (or the plastic garbage can--plus some earlier lower digestive issues), I seem to be doing better (knock on wood). All I've had since breakfast is a couple crackers (one came back up), a little bit of jello, and a freeze pop, so I'm a little weak. I've had a bunch of water to stave off dehydration and keep my milk supply up. Lori fed Jacob one bottle because he'd been fussy nursing all day and my theory was that the dehydration had already kicked in, plus I didn't want to go near him. Wish I could have stuck to that earlier today before I felt this crappy. Craig tried another bottle earlier but that didn't go well and I ended up having to nurse. Jacob had a hard time going to bed, but it could have been the disruption in his schedule that did it. Who knows. I'm just hoping that we're both ok in the morning. Being a sick mom is not fun and I am so grateful to Lori for being able to come over and help out. I would have had one miserably crying baby without her, because I could hardly pick him up. That is a scary feeling. Keep us in your prayers...

"No"

I keep wondering when it's appropriate to start disciplining. I know Jacob still doesn't have a concept of right or wrong, but if we don't start now, will it be a problem down the road? Fortunately right now I'm just talking about basic stuff...telling him no when he goes to touch something he shouldn't--primarily food or beverages--or when he pulls hair or glasses or squeezes a little too tight when his nails need trimming. I feel funny telling him no at this point, but again, if we don't start it now, will there ever be a good time? Should we just get him used to the word now before he knows enough to ignore it?

I definitely worry about him getting older and more mobile and learning how to disobey. One of the bloggers I follow discussed that today...that she's finding raising a toddler to be harder than going through cancer. As much as she loves him, she's at the end of her rope when it comes to keeping him under control. He runs everywhere, gets into everything, and has a bit of a daredevil streak. Stuff like that scares the crap out of me. I just don't know if I'll have the patience or the energy. Right now, even though he can get frustrating at times, I know Jacob doesn't know any better when he's being difficult. That's the only way he knows how to react. I know that the experts say that manipulation can begin around now, where babies figure out how to get mom and dad's attention with a little extra crying or some other similar device. There's definitely a fine line between giving your child prompt attention and giving them the chance to resolve something themselves. You don't want to ignore a crying baby, but you also don't want to get them too used to parents that drop everything the second the baby lets out a peep.

I like having this "perfect" child right now and will be a little sad the day he knowingly disobeys. I know it will happen but I just hope that we can be good, strong parents that teach him right from the beginning so we can minimize those moments. The better the foundation, the better he'll be as he gets older. I had a strict but loving upbringing and I hope I can find that balance with my own children.

It should be a fun weekend ahead. Tonight Jacob spent a good chunk of the evening napping on me--must have been a busy day at day care! After a bath he went to bed pretty much without incident. Craig is off tomorrow, which is also his birthday. We're going out to dinner and a movie and leaving Jacob with Lori. She's definitely looking forward to it, and I think we're both excited for a night out alone...only our third since he was born, I think. Sunday Craig has to work so it will just be me and Jacob. At some point I hope to get our tree decorated. I got most of the house done tonight after Jacob went to bed, but the tree is still empty. Jacob was pretty entranced by the lights tonight, though. He just couldn't stop staring for the longest time. Very cute! Off to bed now....happy weekend!

Another point...

I don't know if this was the point I was forgetting about earlier, but I meant to mention this last week when I posted about Jacob's fever so I guess I'll do it now since it seems like a logical next point after today's earlier post. Last Wednesday was the first time I felt like I let my job suffer for the sake of my child. I've always tried to be a team player at work--staying late when necessary (and sometimes when it wasn't), working on projects until I'm losing my mind and my eyesight to make sure they're done in time, and just doing what I could to help my two bosses out. Most of the time I can do all this and still be a pretty good mother because I'm still getting home at a reasonable hour and I've had all day to live a normal life before coming home to a Jacob-centric world.

Ever since I went back to work I've been a bit limited, however, because three days a week I have to leave by 5:30 in order to get to day care in time. I'd get to work earlier if I could, but I'm already getting up at 6:30 and barely getting in by 9 as it is. I don't think I could take any less sleep. Still, I think I've done pretty well despite the limited schedule and sleep deprivation. But last Wednesday we had a huge project going on, one that I was supposed to do a lot of work on, and I just couldn't do it. I had to leave early to take my afternoon shift with Jacob and his fever. I felt terrible that I couldn't be more helpful to my boss, particularly because my other boss was on vacation and I was the only hope to get this project done in time without her spending her whole thanksgiving working on it. I would have liked to do some work from home, but I never did figure out how to make my laptop work. I suppose I should work on that ASAP for the next illness. I just felt bad. I've always prided myself on being a good, reliable employee, and this time I just couldn't come through. I know that it was for the most important reason possible and that I shouldn't feel guilty, but still...it's hard.

When I worked in sports I used to say that even though people can do their job, it doesn't mean it's the best fit for them based on their circumstances. Basically...it's great that you can do your job, but that doesn't mean you're doing it well...and if not doing it well means that it's impacting other people negatively, sometimes you just have to take the high road and know what's best for everyone involved. I got to a point in that job where I just felt like I was too frustrated to do the job at the level I wanted to, and I left because it just wasn't a good fit anymore. Kids or other interests can have a similar impact. Your priorities change and it affects how your view that part of your life. While I'm nowhere near feeling like I need to rethink my current job, I'm always mindful of how much my home life impacts my work life. And the day it truly starts impacting people negatively on a regular basis will be the day I figure out if it's still the best fit...for me, for the company, and most of all for Jacob.

Now if I could just figure out the best way to use the rest of my vacation this month without leaving people hanging...

Coincidence or a reason to feel extra guilty?

Over the weekend I had over four days straight to spend with Jacob, for the first time pretty much since my maternity leave. Sad, isn't it? Alas, the realities of being a working mom. Anyway...it seemed to me that he was really aware and more active than ever before, and that feeling has continued since the weekend. Whether it was his non-stop stream of smiles and laughs on Sunday, or his increased grabbing at things, or just a generally heightened awareness of his surroundings, it seemed like all of a sudden he was a whole new baby. Maybe it's a coincidence that he happened to cross this threshold over the weekend...or maybe not.

As I've thought about it in the last few days, I've been trying to figure out if it was just that I had never had a chance to string individual occurrences together as a trend because my time with him is limited, or if those four days with Craig and me (and the rest of our families) gave him such a jolt of interaction and stimulation that all of a sudden he started coming out of his shell. Either way, it leaves me feeling a little guilty. If I just never noticed, then shame on me. I'll admit it's tough sometimes. I try to play with him as much as possible during the limited time we have, but maybe our play activities never allowed him to show his new skills. If the increased activity helped him along, then I feel bad because me being at work prevents him from getting full days like that on a regular basis. I think day care is giving him sufficient care and interaction, but Mommy and Daddy are definitely different. It's just unfortunate that we can't afford to have either of us stay home (at least, not if we want to maintain our savings and have a shot at giving Jacob and any future kids a hand with college), and neither job is made to be part time. Definitely a tough spot. I can't wait until I have a full week or so off at Christmas!

I swear I had another point to make on this, but for now, enjoy these pictures from the weekend. The shirt was a gift from godmother Lori, and the pants were a clearance rack find at Baby Gap...Jacob's first pair of cords! These pictures are yet another piece of proof that Jacob is a boy of many looks...I think he looks so different in all three pictures! Such a big boy, isn't he?

Weekend Aftermath and the Holidays

Well, it's back to work today. It was tough leaving Jacob at day care because I had so much fun with him over the weekend, particularly yesterday. He had some bedtime and overnight issues, but really, the amount of smiles and laughs I got from him totally overshadowed all of it. I wish I had some great pictures of the smiles, but he seems to stop smiling when I pull out the camera. I still need to pull them off my camera and see what I have. Hopefully soon. He's growing a ton so he's probably changed since the last time I posted pics. Sorry about that.

We did a lot of running around over the weekend to get a head start on Christmas shopping. I think I've mentioned here before that we used to do a lot of 10pm shopping trips in the past, but that we know that trips like that with both of us are probably a thing of the past since Jacob's in bed by 9:30. I did some running around on my own last night because so much of it was quick, easy, in-and-out stuff that I knew would take forever if I had to pull Jacob out of the car every time. If nothing else I had to get Craig's birthday present, so I had to be alone for that part no matter what. We still have a long way to go, but we made progress.

I didn't, however, make any progress on getting out Christmas decorations. I'm still on the fence (for the 3rd or 4th year in a row) about getting a new tree. I want a new one that's bigger than my 6-foot, $20 tree that I bought my first year on my own. It's better than you'd think, but considering the number of ornaments we have (and the number we're sure to get with a third member of the family), we definitely need a bigger tree. There are a couple I have my eye on, and I may very well go get one tonight, but regardless, I guess my evenings this week after Jacob is in bed will be spent hauling up my Rubbermaid bins of decorations and getting as many in place as I can. I am really looking forward to Jacob taking it all in.

I got to thinking this weekend about all of the holiday traditions. We already have some in place from our own experiences, but I look forward to adding more as Jacob gets older. When I was a kid I loved all of the advent services at church, from the school advent programs to the Sunday School and Candelight services on Christmas Eve. In a few years hopefully Jacob will get to do things like that at church or in school. I don't know if we'll ever get in the habit of visiting Santa (depends how creepy the mall Santas look, I suppose), but I guess we can always write letters. Maybe we'll get into baking Christmas cookies or building snowmen. Who knows what he'll take to? I do look forward to doing an advent calendar or two...I loved that as a kid and still enjoy it now, and I think the excitement of what's behind each door (on whatever calendar we use) is something every kid can appreciate. I used to like going to the Festival of Lights in Niagara Falls, so maybe there's something around here like that. Who knows?

I do know that his experiences with Christmas morning are going to be different. My family was all in town, so I always woke up Christmas morning at my own house. Since we've been married we've always spent Christmas Eve with Craig's family, slept there, and headed to my parents' house by noon on Christmas Day to start a crazy day with my family. It saddens me to think that Jacob and any other future children may never have Christmas morning at our house (but maybe someday we'll get back to Buffalo), but family makes it even more special so maybe it will be cool in its own right. I did mention to Craig that we might have to work out a schedule to do every other Christmas morning at my parents' house, so both sets of grandparents can appreciate the Christmas morning excitement. That would probably mean a late-night drive from Hamburg to NT every other Christmas Eve (hopefully with sleeping children in the backseat), but I think my parents would definitely appreciate it to see Jacob run down the stairs like my brother and I used to. I think we at least have a couple years before Jacob fully grasps Christmas morning and Santa, so we have time to figure it all out, but I think some of this stuff was stuff I never thought about before we had kids.

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on this as the holiday season progresses...