The Bright Side

In an effort to get away from my complaining ways and prove that I really am enjoying this experience, I've decided to do a list about the good things about pregnancy :) These are in no particular order...

1) Maternity pants - The ones I have are really comfortable...plenty of room after a big meal, too. And because the waists are elastic and most maternity tops are long, the fit doesn't have to be perfect. Thank God for that, because finding pants normally is bad enough, let alone when your body has taken on a life of its own.

2) Baby movement - This might get a little less fun sometimes when the baby gets big and strong, but right now it's pretty stinkin' cool. Kicks are neat, but one of my favorite things is when the baby's just moving around and my whole belly sort of moves on its own. I could watch it all day...too bad the baby's already picking up the "do it when mom's not looking" thing, because the second I look away during a lull of an active period, the baby will move again!

3) Eating - I know for a lot of women this perk doesn't start until 1/3 of the way through, but I've been able to eat all along. Early on I couldn't shake the nausea, but it was never more than a feeling...the food always stayed where it belonged. I may not have enjoyed eating it as much back then, but one way or another, the appetite has always been there. At first I was a bottomless pit, though I stayed full forever if I ate too much. Now I have a good, healthy appetite, and I don't have to be a crazy person about what I eat. I used to be very careful a lot of the time, pondering my food choices quite a bit. I still don't overindulge too much, but I eat pretty much what I want without feeling guilty. Still no bag of chips or entire candy bars, but if I have a good meal out or happen to have an extra piece of candy or something, it's ok. I have some extra calories to work with and try to make the best use of them...but slip-ups aren't nearly as problematic.

4) Break from working out - It's easy to get tired with your workout routine, so it's been nice to have it forcibly changed up a bit. It's nice to not kill myself every time I go to the gym (or feel guilty if I didn't), and hopefully I'll come back from all of this with a renewed vigor to get back to the gym and enjoy it. Having a differently shaped body also stops me from completely scrutinizing my figure, as well. I still look at it, of course, and get freaked out a bit by it, but it's not like I'm freaking out about every roll of fat.

5) Constant topic of conversation - There's almost always something to talk about now, even with people I wouldn't normally have full conversations with. I generally try to let them bring it up or only bring it up myself with a good segue, of course, but it's nice to have a backup. Even with Craig and me, there's always something else to talk about besides work...be it baby names or room setups.

6) Shopping - This hasn't always been a fun part of the process (see my last post) but it's still sort of cool to always have something to shop for, be it baby stuff or maternity clothes. I hadn't bought many clothes in the months leading up to this because I knew they might not fit by next year at that time, so being able to buy clothes now has been nice. The expense sucks a bit, but I've been really good about shopping clearance racks. I always used to get a little extra oomph from wearing a new outfit, so being able to have that almost every day is sort of nice. Of course, wearing them as much as I have to will probably make that wear off extra quickly...but by then it'll be warmer and I'll be bigger, so I'll probably have a set of new clothes again then anyway.

7) Getting out of things - I don't use this often (in fact, like my shoveling issue the other day, it can be frustrating), but it's nice to know the excuse is there when you need it. Whether it's not doing something because I feel tired or because I physically can't, it's not a bad thing to have an "out" in your back pocket. Craig's been really great, by the way. He'd probably be even better if work didn't take up so much of his time or tire him out. But all things considered, he's been wonderful.

8) Constant source of amazement - Whether it's the wonder at how my body stretches, or the coolness of watching/feeling the baby move, it's nice to have an ever-present fascination to keep the days interesting.

9) Sleep - Though it's still not what it used to be, it's nice being able to enjoy the thought of this baby in our lives, feeling the movements and anticipating its arrival, but still being able to get in a full night of sleep. I guess the sleep is a fair trade-off for the joy a baby brings into one's life, but right now the sleep is greatly appreciated.

10) The End Result - This is an obvious one...that we get the pleasure of meeting this little person in a few more months and spending the rest of our lives with him/her as a part of it.

The Weekend

Well, Saturday was one of my more frustrating days of this whole pregnancy process. It all started when we woke up to a good six inches of heavy snow in the driveway, and Craig had to go out there and shovel it all himself. Though you would think I would be happy that shoveling isn't part of my world this winter, it's incredibly frustrating. Shoveling was a great source of exercise last year, and being able to clear out the driveway myself at times was very gratifying. But this year, with Craig's busy schedule and me being unable to do it, the driveway has had some rough times. I hardly ever try to get the mail anymore because finding a safe path down the driveway and across the street (the street is always awful) is nearly impossible. And with it being so heavy on Saturday, I felt so bad that Craig had to do it all himself. He was exhausted by noon, and we still had a long day to go.

This weekend was Craig's only weekend off for a while. I think he had a Saturday and Sunday off in late January, but has been working pretty much solid since then, barely a weekend day off anywhere. And starting now, other than Easter Sunday, his Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays through the end of April are full with either home games or traveling. Doesn't leave a heck of a lot of time for baby preparations, so this weekend was our only shot to get a good solid start on our baby registry. While I realize I could do that myself, I felt like it was something we should at least try to do together, to get his input on things and just experience it together as parents-to-be. Believe me, not something I should do alone. For those of you who are unaware, I am terribly indecisive and when it comes to stuff like this that I have no clue about, it's even more of a disaster.

We were probably only at Babies 'R' Us for a couple hours max, but it was darn near torture. That sounds awful considering it's all for our baby, but seriously...it was not fun. There are so many things to consider, with so many options for all of them, and it got really overwhelming really fast. As I've mentioned before, we don't have a lot of real baby experience, so most of this is totally new to us. We did what we could, guided by the checklist that Babies 'R' Us gives you, as well as a list of suggestions from my cousin's wife and her best friend, who have both been through this process in the past couple years. While both lists were helpful, there's just so many things to think about. Fatigue started to catch up with both of us after a while, and eventually I just gave up. There's still quite a few more things I need to go back and do, with more patience and more research. Target was right next door, but all we could muster was actually signing up for our registry there...we didn't even get the scanner. I was all scanned out.

Just a side note: If you're one of those get-ahead-of-the-game people, please don't run out and start buying up things on the registry, because it still needs a lot of work. I got online yesterday and changed up a bunch of stuff already, so I have no doubt that much more will be added and more changes will be made.

Anyway, after making those changes yesterday I did feel a lot better, but I'll probably continue to dread working on it again. However, it ended up being a fairly productive weekend, with moving more stuff out of the office and reorganizing our basement storage a bit. I even brought out my Easter decor and cleaned out some old paperwork from a filing cabinet, which felt good as well (once I recovered from my exhaustion). I guess I should just keep working on my to do list, because I have a LOT of weekends on my own coming up and should have plenty of things to do to fill them. Crazy.

In Living Color...

Finally, for those of you who have been waiting patiently, here is a picture of me and the belly. Not the most flattering look from the front, but hey, what can you do? :) A lot of people remarked how pregnant I looked today...not sure if it's the shirt or what, but like I've been saying, it's been getting more obvious by the day! This morning I was thoroughly entertained while sitting at my desk, as the baby was moving around a lot and I could see my belly move accordingly. Nothing quite like watching your body move when you're not the one moving it!

While we're all checking out my body, I did want to address a comment I got about my post from a couple days ago. The comment was saying I was being too hard on myself about my body. I hope not everyone has been getting that vibe, because really, I don't feel that way. I guess there's a couple reasons behind postings like that, the ones that may seem like I'm scrutinizing my new shape. First, since a lot of you don't see me from day to day, I guess I'm just trying to be descriptive to give you an image of all that's going on. Second, as I've mentioned on here before, it probably seems like I do a lot of complaining about the less fun parts of pregnancy. It's not my intention, but the bad stuff tends to crop up more because it's something to talk about, and again, it's all part of trying to communicate what some of my experiences have been...and the bad ones tend to bug me enough that eventually they make it here. I probably tend to use this blog as a bit of a place to vent or sort through my reactions to what's happening to my body on a daily basis. For example, my post the other day was spawned from my belly having felt tight for the previous couple days...from growth as well as the full stomach/bladder issues. It happened to be on my mind when it came time to post, so there it was.

In reality, I'm actually pretty proud of what I've got going on. I know I look good for this point in my pregnancy. Part of the key, mentally and physically, is dressing this new body flatteringly. The other day when I wrote that post, it was an off-day. And pregnant or not, little things like what you're wearing, a bad hair day, or a huge zit can really impact how you view yourself from day to day. I haven't really felt like I've had the pregnancy glow going on, but I think that's because I've been too distracted by the case of acne I've been battling for the last month or so (seriously, worse than when I was a teenager). I guess if it's not one thing, it's another.

I guess my point is that it's all relative. I'm female, and usually that comes with some body image issues, pregnant or not. Pregnancy is just unique because it turns everything upside down. Before pregnancy I paid a lot of attention to my figure. I still eat well and work out a bit, but my body is getting bigger and there's nothing I can do about it...and much to my surprise, that's ok. No promises for my attitude later, when trying to lose the baby weight, but right now, it's just a matter of adjusting to the fact that I can't base even a shred of my self-image on being thin. And again, that's ok...heck, it's a relief at times.

There's definitely a learning curve. Your body changes practically on a daily basis, and there's just a lot of adjustment. It just so happens that this blog has been the place I choose to sort out my emotions and frustrations about those adjustments, so if it seems I'm being hard on myself, it's mostly just my internal dialog coming out...all part of dealing with the issues and moving on. I don't think the changes are all bad, because I definitely think I'll come out of this with a completely new appreciation for my body, where it's been, and what it can do. So long story short, please don't think I'm beating myself up about any of this. At the end of the day, I'm happy with where I'm at, and look forward to the rest of this experience...

Random stuff

At work, we have a company e-newsletter that goes out to everyone in our seven offices. Even though I work out of the Rochester office, I actually work for the company as a whole...all seven offices. It's a lot to juggle sometimes, but the variety is nice. Anyway, I haven't mentioned to too many people that I'm pregnant, mostly because it's just awkward. Obviously everyone who sees me here in this office knows, but when my only contact with the other offices is via email and phone, there's no easy way to bring it up. I've said that the only way to do it is by complaining--when someone casually asks how I'm doing, I could say, "I'm exhausted" or "Feeling fat" or something along those lines, and explain the pregnancy thing from there. But obviously complaining isn't the way I want to do it and I can't think of any comfortable ways to bring it up. A couple people know via conversations with my bosses, but as far as I can tell, it hasn't traveled much beyond that handful of people.

When our quarterly newsletter came up this time, I had the idea to have the other two pregnant women in the office and me put our ultrasound pictures in the newsletter. I figured that was a sort of funny way to communicate the baby boom around here, while also getting the word out to as many people as possible that I'm pregnant and won't be around for chunk of the summer. Even if only a few people actually read it, word can always spread. We also decided to do a photo of all of us (including pregnant woman #4, the one I mentioned is really early along). We did one of all of us holding on to this pregnant stuffed bear, as well as another by the water cooler, all pretending to drink water...because as the saying goes, "Maybe there's something in the water..." It was pretty funny and had all of us giggling. I'm looking forward to the follow up picture for the summer newsletter, when at least 3 of the 4 of us will be quite big. Not often you can get in a picture like that!

In other news, Craig did finally feel the baby kicking the other night, and last night I actually got to watch my stomach move as the baby was kicking (or something). I don't think it was hiccups, unless they were really unrhythmic ones, but we're also still not at the point of having identifiable body parts, so it's tough to tell exactly what it was. I just kept watching this one spot on my belly move...really freaky...but really cool. I read today that the baby is getting a lot stronger and a lot bigger over the next month, so this could get interesting. My ribs are bracing for the onslaught...

Feeling big...

I know that I'm still relatively small, but for the last few days I've just felt big. I don't think it has anything to do with clothes or anything like that (surprisingly), but man, it's really amazing how the human body can expand. I'm not getting any back pains or anything like that yet, and I'm really only up about 10 pounds or so, but for whatever reason, it's really starting to hit me how big I am (and will be getting).

The worst it probably gets is after I eat or when I have to pee. In both cases my belly gets extra round and feels quite solid, so it just feels huge. Interestingly, otherwise I feel like my belly has been carrying around a lot of chub lately...like the upper part of the belly (above the belly button) just feels like fat. I feel like I've got a love handle thing going on as well. Neither case is that bad, of course, but it strikes me as funny that this is the first time I've felt like there was a lot of spare fat in that area. I may have felt that it looked like there was for so long, but I never really felt like it actually was fat.

My belly still hasn't completely rounded out, but it's getting better. The belly button crease is almost gone, but the belly button is now this sink hole in the middle of it all. Better than having it stick out, though. I just means (still) that wearing tight clothes is not the best choice for me. Today I'm looking particularly frumpy, because I still need those last couple maternity tops to fill my 2-3 week cycle (I know, I shouldn't worry about it, but...), and I am wearing a baggy button down sweater that I haven't worn since my fat days. It's long enough to cover maternity pants and loose enough to not hug the belly, but that doesn't mean it's flattering. The belly is quite obvious, though it could easily be mistaken for fat. Normal clothes tend to do that these days...my maternity wear, however, makes things quite obvious.

Last Friday when I went home, I wore a normal sweater. My parents didn't think I looked too pregnant ("full" was the term my mom used, I think), but when I put on something with an empire waist on Saturday, they changed their minds and decided I looked pretty solidly pregnant. I had to remind my mom that you have to think back to where I started...for all my issues with my body, I had a flat stomach. Standing up, slightly sucking in, it was flat. And to compare it to what I look like now, heck yeah, I've gotten big. But compared to your average womanly figure, sure, I'm not that large. It all just makes me realize that no one noticed how thin I was before!

In any event, I'm just feeling rather large these days. At least my belly distracts me from noticing whatever might be happening to my hips, butt and thighs. Everything looks small compared to the belly! I don't mind it all nearly as much as I thought I would, but I know a lot of the discomfort has yet to kick in. I know I don't have the strength or stamina that I used to, but I'm adjusting. It's all very interesting to experience from day to day, so really, at least that keeps me on my toes!

Baby Shopping

Over the weekend I went back to NT to hang out with my parents. They hadn't seen me in a while (mid-January, I think), so I wanted to take advantage of Craig's road trip and spend some time with them. They hadn't seen my belly since it officially started looking pregnant, and before I posted a photo on here (I swear, soon), I figured they're special enough to see it in person. It was a nice weekend, busy but not crazy.

We spent a chunk of the day Saturday at the Galleria Mall, but that was mostly for walking. We did take a couple detours through maternity clothes and baby sections, but none were particularly long. The maternity shopping made my dad uncomfortable, and the baby stuff was mostly just to oooh and ahhh over how cute the baby Easter dresses are these days, and to double check the crib sets. I was still stuck on the Snoopy & Family stuff (getting taken care of as we speak), but due to the price and just trying to make sure before making any firm decisions, we were looking at sets anywhere we could.

I did try to find some additional maternity clothes, but they're getting harder to find, unless I'm up for short sleeves...and considering the weather every day around here except, well, yesterday, I'm not ready for that yet. So...winter clearance is clearing out and I'm running out of options...just when I need a couple more because what was left of my regular wardrobe is getting less and less comfortable. I guess people at work will just have to get used to seeing me wear the same stuff every week or two. I'm pretty happy with what I have, though. Just a couple more pieces would be great...

On Sunday my mom and I headed off to Burlington and Babies 'R' Us. I don't know if we had a real plan, other than to (again) double check the crib sets, but it turned into quite the scouting session. Craig is off this weekend for the first time in a while and the last time until May, so we're planning on getting our registry up and running. It's a good thing my mom and I went out, because it reminded me that we will have a million decisions to make on things we're totally clueless about. I do have a WONDERFUL list from my cousin's wife and her good friend, about what they used, what they didn't, how many they needed, etc., which I need to go through again and use it to create a shopping list...but even still...there is so much to think about. Even my mom, who raised two children and knows how it all works, was relieved that she's not the one having to register. Apparently it takes a lot more to raise a baby in 2008 than it did 30-some years ago. Obviously not all of it is necessary, but it's tough to draw the line between useful modern convenience and overkill.

All of the "little stuff" scares me a bit--bottles, pacifiers (still not sure if I want to use them), medical/hygiene type stuff...Burlington literally has a wall of it all, and it's really intimidating. I don't think we went into that area at Babies 'R' Us, though I'm sure it will freak me out this weekend. Fortunately most of that is cheap stuff, so if we screw up registering it's not a big deal. It's the big stuff that freaks me out more. How do you pick a good stroller/carrier/car seat or high chair? Should we go with a bouncer, swing, or one that does both? Some play music, some vibrate, some do both...what will the baby like more? Much ado has been made about Pack'N'Plays, but the bassinet weight limit is just 15 lbs (yeah, I know the play yard is more)! Should we register for an exer-saucer, or just wait for a holiday to come up when it's time for one? Is there any rhyme or reason to picking a crib mattress? Even furniture is a bit of a challenge, though I think I'm pretty settled on that, as long as Craig is ok with it. It's just crazy how much it all costs. Fortunately, my tastes actually lined up pretty well with one of the lowest-priced sets.

All of it is just intimidating. The last time I went to Babies 'R' Us before I knew I was pregnant, I practically had a panic attack thinking about it all...and I was just shopping for someone else! Now that it's actually my turn to shop for me, I can see that my first response wasn't far off...Saturday's going to be a scary day! Yikes!

Freakiness and fear...

I had a couple conversations this week about how completely freaky it is to think about having a baby. It's a combination of the craziness it puts the body through, how weird it is that there's a little person inside me, and the sheer reality that life is never going to be the same again. In four months, our lives are going to be completely and utterly different, and that's a lot to take in. Almost every day it amazes me to think that the thing kicking me is a real little person, not just gas pains or something. You see it in the ultrasound, but it's still pretty mind-blowing. And I'm not even letting my brain go to the whole concept of delivery yet. No sense worrying about that for months. It's going to happen, it's going to hurt, but I just have to keep hoping the timing works out right for getting some drugs and doing it as uneventfully as possible.

I'm almost 30 years old, but most days I still don't feel that way. I still look pretty young, though I think parts of my face are starting to catch up with my real age. At least, I don't get the "I thought you were in high school" comment anymore, so I must have aged somehow. I still wonder, though, if when I'm very obviously pregnant I'll get dirty looks from old women who don't see my wedding ring and don't realize how old I am. Some days I just think I look too young to be a full-blown adult...but I know that I'm plenty old enough in reality, and soon enough I'll be forced into growing up really fast, in whatever ways I haven't already. As scary as it is, part of me looks forward to the challenge and how good it will feel when I succeed at all these new things.

But the thought of being a parent is pretty crazy...some days I feel like I can't keep my own life in order, let alone someone else's. This weekend I'm visiting my parents, and even something as simple as packing for a couple days is going to get infinitely more complicated in a few months. When I was obsessing over what I should bring with me, I was laughing to myself as I thought about the huge amount of stuff that I'll have to pack for the baby...diapers, formula/food, many changes of clothes, blanket, toys, spit-up rags, pack-n-play...and I'm sure there's a ton more that I don't even know about yet.

There are so many things we need to do around the house and just in general to plan for this baby (the whole pediatrician thing is the newest addition to that list...and I still have to look up lamaze and parenting class schedules), and I just wonder how I'll ever get myself motivated to do it all. So much to think about, so little time and energy some days.

And all of that's not even getting to the fear of parenting itself. Will we be good at it? How will we have time for anything? How strong are our stomachs? Will the chaos get to us? What about having to schedule every second of our time? Can we afford this? All those fears and more have probably held us back from this for a while, but in the end they probably wouldn't ever go away. And we're not getting any younger, so in the end, if we knew we wanted kids, what was the sense in continuing to put it off? Might as well face those fears head-on, get it over with, and hope that we're one of those couples that thrives off of the joys of parenting. As I've said before, the awe of watching your children grow and learn is something that I look forward to. Fear and freakiness aside, this is going to be a pretty unreal experience...heck, it already is.