Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Universe is messing with me

So...here we are, a month or so into our "baby making break".  Part of me is totally okay with it.  I'm probably partially in denial, but then again, this probably beats driving myself nuts about my cycle, what might be wrong, etc.  However, the other day my doctor called and told me that my day 18 blood work showed that I hadn't ovulated...and yet 13 days later my period showed up.  So I'm not sure what that means.  It could mean a couple things, most of which aren't ideal but probably not horrible either.  It could make it difficult to get pregnant, but at this point it's just deciding when to visit the reproductive endocrinologist to hopefully get a handle on my cycle.  We have a few months so it's no rush, but then again, I don't want to wait too long and get behind schedule yet again. 

At this point we're probably looking to at least April before we can safely try again, and at least June if we want to start aiming for a more ideal due date.  Beggars can't be choosers, but there are so many practical reasons I'd like to have a baby in the spring or early summer.  In a perfect world I'd love to aim for April, but May would be great, too.  I wouldn't even mind the summer too much, but then we start getting close to the beginning of kindergarten and I'm not sure I want two big transitions at once.  Yikes.  But really, none of this is within my control anyway...so I don't know why I'm bothering to even think about it at this point.  I guess it's okay to have a plan, but I don't want to get caught up in it, either.

So how is the universe messing with me?  Well...in the same way it messes with most other women who are experiencing any degree of infertility issues: babies are everywhere.  I was at the mall on Monday and it seemed like everyone had a baby.  I have at least a couple of friends who announced pregnancies on Facebook recently--one of whom was my suitemate in college (her third), and another whose first baby just turned six...nope, not years...months.  Wow.  I've had a bunch of friends have babies recently, including a co-worker (different office) who welcomed twins over the weekend.  I'm beyond happy for all of them, so I'm not into the full-on bitterness stage or anything.  But admittedly, I'm at least a little jealous.  In a good way, if that's possible.  I know how amazing a new baby is, and I know how amazing (and yes, exasperating) the grown-up versions of them can be, too.  And I miss that perfect love untainted by yelling or discipline or talking back.  Yes, there's sleepless nights and spit-up and freaking out about every little thing, not to mention LABOR, but it was pretty awesome the first time around regardless and I'd like to do it again with at least some benefit of hindsight...even if pretty much everything will be different the second time around.  So knowing all of that, how can I begrudge anyone that opportunity, particularly those I know and care about?

Not to mention that I'm well aware that I'm on the lowest level of the infertility totem pole right now, since a) I have a child; b) we've only been at this for eight months or so; c) last we knew I could have a baby and there's no reason yet to believe otherwise; d) I've had no treatment yet so we have no idea how easily it might work; and e) I haven't had to suffer through any potentially awful stuff yet.  I've had it easy other than the fact that I didn't just get pregnant with minimal effort.  It's a bummer but far from a tragedy.

Oh, and there's one other way that the universe is messing with me.  One word--gas.  What?  So...yeah.  The summer before I got pregnant, I remember laying on the couch in our basement.  I was pretty sure I couldn't be pregnant, yet my stomach was flickering.  It was the oddest sensation ever, and even weirder that I could see it.  I wasn't pregnant, but it turns out that it was a pretty accurate sensation of what baby kicks felt like.  When Jacob first started kicking me, it felt very similar.  However, most likely those flickers that summer were gas or a muscle spasm (like when your eye does it, I guess), and undoubtedly I had some more of that before Jacob was officially kicking me.  I may have had it periodically since, too, but lately?  All. The. Time.  It would be pleasant if it wasn't a constant reminder of the real thing that's not happening anytime soon.  I have no idea what's causing it all of a sudden, but man, I wish it would go away.  Just to give me back that sliver of my sanity.  I'd like to keep what I can at this point before it starts leaving in droves. 

Rest assured, I'm okay.  I don't have any choice at this point because we have a long wait ahead of us just to try to get the show back on the road.  There's nothing I can do right now so I'm just living the rest of my life.  And I'm okay with that.  But the reminders here and there threaten my sense of peace ever so slightly.  It's a test of patience and faith, no doubt, but right now I think I'm still studying.

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