Friday, April 15, 2011

Getting Antsy...

I don't know how else to describe it. Lately I have just been antsy. And not necessarily in a bad way. It's a generally positive feeling of anticipation, and the desire to get up and do something about it. I feel distracted, like there are so many better ways to spend my time than sitting at my desk. And yes, all of this just brings up my everlasting desire to work part time--to still have this grown-up, brain-bending time a few times a week but get more time with my sweet little boy...or maybe even set aside a little time for myself. But alas, I spend most of my day sitting a desk, staring out the window at a lovely view--either dying to be out in the sun or bummed by yet another rainy, gray day.

I think the lovely weather last weekend definitely contributed to my condition, because it got me wishing for fun outdoor activities and the pure loveliness that comes with late spring-early summer around here. You know, that time before the weather is scorching and while the warmth and sun are still novelties. While I'm still dedicated to my work, I find myself wanting to be anywhere but there...frolicking somewhere out in the nice weather or just enjoying the rest of my life that I only see on weekends. There just aren't enough hours in the day, plain and simple. When I spend most of them at work, it doesn't leave much time for Craig or Jacob, let alone myself. Between commuting, dinner, Jacob's bedtime routine, and however I choose to spend the couple hours after that (blogging, coupon cutting, catching up on TV, reading), it makes for a busy day...and not enough time for sleeping on top of it. All of that just makes me wish I could change up our routine a bit and enjoy the good stuff a little more. I know I have weekends, but as I've mentioned here before, weekends are often taken up by doing all the errands and chores that I never get to during the week because I'm so tired in the evenings. That doesn't leave nearly enough time for the good stuff.

Lately, more than ever, I've been dreaming of vacation. I have 3-1/2 weeks of vacation to use, and it's starting to taunt me. Do I put it all into cool family time? Do I use some of it for myself? Do I take a couple days to get all the boring house stuff done that I've been putting off, like carpeting and carpet cleaning? While I've been thinking a bit about our summer family vacation, recently I've been salivating at the thought of Craig and me going away alone. I love Jacob so much, and part of me would miss seeing his face and knowing what he's up to every hour of every day...but another part of me desperately wants a break. A break from our routine, a break from being responsible every single minute, a chance to just get back to a time when it was just Craig and me. I wouldn't want to go back to that era permanently, obviously, but a little peek at the past would probably serve us very well. But coordinating everything, figuring out finances and time off, and making sure Jacob's taken care of, just seems like a lot. Not impossible, but intimidating...particularly for someone who has a problem making decisions.

Another element of the antsy-ness is a bit of anticipation...of what, I have no idea. Perhaps part of it is the weather and the aforementioned summer plans, but another part of it might actually be that I still associate this time of year with the end of my pregnancy (yes, I know it was THREE years ago--get over it already). At this point we were getting so close, going to baby classes, getting ready for showers, and starting to get nervous and excited. And every spring since, I've looked back fondly and remembered the crazy excitement we experienced. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm being inundated with baby news...finding out about pregnancies (at least three in the last week or so) and anticipating a number of births among friends of mine (well, Facebook friends, anyway), right down to the birth of a (male) co-worker's baby very soon (false alarm last night!)--a co-worker whose last baby was born exactly six weeks after Jacob.

In addition, baby #2 is slowly but surely creeping on our radar. Don't worry, nothing to report yet, but it's already getting to be time to start making plans and thinking about our desired timing. Despite no real change to the financial situation that dissuaded us from doing this last year, we're going to move forward at some point later this year. Four years is enough between kids, and we just need to make it happen. It'll be a short-term hardship for a long-term benefit. I'm starting to feel a lot more ready (more often than not--just don't ask me after a Jacob tantrum or a particularly long day), which is considerable progress from a while back. And with another year under our belt, that's one less year we'll be paying full double daycare. Better than two. Anyway, the mere thought of getting closer to that is enough to excite me...though the last thing I want to do is wish away my summer just so we can get to our targeted baby-making time. I have to keep reminding myself that there's plenty I can do in the meantime to start the wheels in motion...so we don't need to get to that point right NOW.

Spring is just a funny time of year. With the grass greening up, the flowers blooming, and the weather getting ever-so-slightly warmer, there's so much promise and so much newness all around us. Last year the warm weather came early, while we were still in post-move mode, and everything got exciting all at once...nice house, good weather, Easter, etc. This year there just isn't much. Easter is late, the weather's been so-so, and there are no big plans on the horizon for much of anything, other than the stuff I discussed above. I have great memories of springs past, like pregnancy, the end of the school year, random activities on surprisingly awesome spring days, and so on, so I guess I'll just have to anticipate fun based on past history...and hope that one of these days it will just pop up and make all of this antsy-ness worthwhile!

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