Thursday, August 27, 2009

White Noise

I live in a world of white noise. I hadn't really noticed it much until recently, but I think it's starting to get to me. Of course, not all of it is related to Jacob, but I think my recent preoccupation with it ultimately can be tracked back to him. I hear white noise all day at work because I have a little space heater under my desk that keeps my feet warm and my cubicle comfortable amidst the ice box that is my office. When I get home inevitably I hear one hum or another, be it the refrigerator, the central air, or the dehumidifier in the basement. It's gotten to the point where I can barely tell them apart...but I always know when something's running. And the white-noisiest of them all? The sound of Jacob's humidifier coming through the baby monitor. I hear it all evening when we have the monitor on in the background, and I hear it in my sleep once we're all down for the night. Right when Jacob goes to bed, we put on his aquarium, a little lights and music thing that's supposed to lull him to sleep. It usually stays on for about 20 minutes or so before it shuts itself off, and you can just hear it above the din of the humidifier. Well, nowadays Jacob knows how to turn it on himself, so it's not uncommon to hear it at odd times...3am, first thing in the morning, or at the end of a nap. Sometimes I find myself straining to hear the music. I'll swear I hear a couple notes of it, and then I'll have to listen more closely to find out if it really is on, or if I'm just hearing things. Because yes, I think I'm so used to hearing it in concert with the humidifer over the monitor that sometimes I think I'm hearing it when I'm not. Even today as I sat at my desk with the heater at my feet, I could have sworn I was hearing it...and obviously I know that I wasn't. But it's so ingrained in my head that I kept hearing it over and over, set against the hum of my heater. I blame it on nighttime in general. I'm still pretty sleepy these days, and I spend a lot of time in light sleep mode, either because I hear a Jacob noise in the middle of the night that wakes me up briefly, or I snooze through my alarm for a half hour. It all leaves me in that weird space between awake and dreaming where you're hardly sure what's real and what isn't. And I think the constant noise is starting to mess with my head for some reason. And in general the noise on the monitor has been a constant for the past 14 months, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it's taking up residence in my brain. We probably could turn off the monitor these days since he doesn't need that much attention--and when he does he's easy to hear--but sometimes it's nice to know he's ok and hear the goings-on in his room a little better when he is active, just so it's easier to identify without having to go in and check on him. Ahhh, the dilemmas of parenthood.

So yeah, I know this is a random post that may include an admission of possible insanity, but I just wanted to share for lack of anything better to write about...

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