Tough Decision

So, Craig and I hit our first tough decision as parents yesterday. This week has been a hard one for me, with Craig back to work and Jacob showing more signs of being a bit colicky. It was horrible yesterday. I could hardly put him down without him screaming, and that was assuming that he wasn't already screaming when he was in my arms. While I don't mind holding him, it really didn't allow me to do much of anything. He was wanting to feed a lot (like every hour and a half sometimes), and he just seemed miserable in between. He wouldn't sleep for more than 15 min. or so, and even that didn't happen too often. And that was on top of a rough night, as well. He had been getting in good four to five hour sleeps at times overnight, but lately it had trickled down to two or three hours at a time. He'd be wide awake at the end of feedings and it would take forever to get him to go to sleep. On top of that he'd been really gassy, to the point that you could hear it running through his system. He was spitting up quite a bit and just seemed generally miserable. You feel so helpless when your little baby is screaming, red in the face. Quite often yesterday he'd do the thing that pains me the most, where he stops breathing, makes this little clicking sound, then breaks out with the most painful cry. He spent a lot of his time stretching and grunting, and when picking him up didn't seem to pacify him, it was time to call the doctor.

I'd heard about this stuff called gripe water. It's a natural remedy, used for ages around the world. Some early formulations used some stuff that isn't good for babies, but based on what I read on the internet and from what I've heard through the grapevine from people who have used it, most of the stuff that's out there now is safe and works like a charm. I called the pediatrician and talked to the nurse. She said that the doctors there don't recommend it, but she couldn't really give me specifics as to why. A lot of pediatricians DO recommend it, so I don't know if they're just worried about throwing down a blanket approval when some of the stuff out there isn't good. I felt completely dejected after that conversation, because the nurse really couldn't tell me anything I didn't know. She gave me all sorts of obvious suggestions for helping him, like rubbing his belly, burping him more, and bicycling his legs, which was stuff I was already doing, to no avail. She did suggest (like I'd read on the internet) that I could alter my diet, which generally means giving up dairy, since it's what most babies seem most sensitive to (it's the protein in cow's milk that bothers them). The thought of giving up dairy is extra daunting to me. Not to sound selfish, but do you know how many things have cow's milk in them? Milk, cheese, ice cream, chocolate, and numerous other things that I eat a lot of. And the worst part? It takes two weeks for all traces of dairy to leave your system, so we'd have to go through two more weeks of misery before we could even figure out if that's what was causing the problem. Yikes.

So with the few minutes I could steal yesterday in between crying fits, I hopped online and did every possible search to find negatives to gripe water. For example, when I was pregnant I did exhaustive research on the effects of artificial sweeteners on a fetus. I used to drink a lot of diet soda, and although there seemed to be no conclusive evidence that it was bad in moderate amounts, there were enough websites out there that convinced me I should at least cut down my intake. I wanted to search for sites like that for gripe water, ones with horror stories or warnings, and honestly, I couldn't find one. In this alarmist society I couldn't find one website saying bad things about gripe water. So, there was one brand that I found that looked good and was available at Wegmans, so last night I went and picked it up. We just couldn't take the screaming anymore. I decided to hold off on giving it to him until this morning so I could better monitor him for any adverse reactions (I think at this point it would have been some random allergy to one of the ingredients in it), so after one more rough night, I gave him his first dose this morning. So far, so good. He still has his fussy, gassy moments, but it seems to give him enough relief that he can nap for a decent amount of time, which he really hadn't done in a few days...other than when I took him for walks, which really tends to knock him out.

When we have a doctor's appointment in another week, I will definitely talk to her about it, but for now it just seems more important to give him enough relief that he's not constantly miserable. It was a tough call to defy the non-recommendation, but for our sanity and Jacob's, right now we have to give this a shot.

Have a nice weekend :)

Ups and Downs

Well, Jacob turns three weeks old tomorrow. Amazing how time flies and yet it feels like he's been here forever. It reminds me of my first week of college...that week took forever, but by the end of it we felt completely at home and things pretty much fast-forwarded from there. I know that looking back on all of this I'll wonder where the time went and wish he was a sweet little baby again.

Being a parent has definitely had its ups and downs. It's exhausting but it has its little rewards along the way. Lately it's been easy to get frustrated, because Jacob seems to be having some major issues with gas and he cries a lot. His sleeping patterns are even getting screwed up a bit, and his frequent bouts with hiccups are turning into major spit-up episodes. It's hard, because I'm simultaneously frustrated and annoyed by the crying and fussiness, while completely pitying him because I know he's uncomfortable and there's nothing he can do about it. You can't reason with babies to get them to calm down or go to sleep, and that becomes extra difficult when you're so tired you can hardly function as a parent. Last night he was up for at least a couple hours. I tried feeding him twice, rocking him, swaddling him, and nothing was working. Eventually I pretty much gave up and Craig sat up with him for a while. I felt bad about that because Craig has a long day ahead of him--a big meeting at work and a trip to Batavia to play in a golf tournament with his brother and dad--on top of an extra long day yesterday (Why he decided to put together a series of wing-eating player appearances this summer, I have no idea...other than that he's very dedicated to his job and wanted to do something different). We'll have to split the duties more when I go back to work in a few weeks, but for now I have been handling the overnights pretty much solo...until I can't take it anymore, like last night.

Still, the little smiles here and there--even if they are gas or weird reflexes when he's falling asleep--melt your heart. When he's wide awake and content, he's fun to play with, even if he's not really interactive yet. When he cuddles up to you or quiets the moment you pick him up, it's nice to know he feels secure with you. I always laugh because he gets this funny little happy face right before a feeding, like he knows exactly what he's doing. Even some of his monumental man-farts and man-burps have been a source of humor in the midst of the exhaustion, even if their results aren't always pleasant.

Going into all this I knew we'd never really be ready for parenthood until it happened, and I've definitely found that to be true...though sometimes I'm still not convinced we're ready for it all even though he's already here. That's a scary thought, but I know all new parents go through some of that at some point. Maybe us more than others (or maybe not), but there are times when I'm impressed that I didn't freak out when something happened, or the freakout was minimal, which makes me think that some maternal instinct has filtered in somewhere along the way. I know we both still have a long way to go, but we're learning.

Jacob's awake and screaming, so it's time for me to go...happy Thursday!

Home Alone

Today marks the first day since last Wednesday that Jacob and I are home alone. Craig is back to work and I can't believe I only have four more weeks off. Jacob's been very gracious today, eating and sleeping really well. The heat might be knocking him out more than anything, but as long as it's not adversely affecting him, I appreciate it because it's an opportunity to get a couple things done around the house. I know, I should be sleeping, but right now I actually feel ok. The prospect of progress must provide a shot of adrenaline.

We had a good weekend with visits from lots of family. It was nice to see my brother and his wife, who were in from Portland, OR, and Craig and I took Jacob on a couple walks to enjoy the weather and keep him out of our hot house. We're going to be getting central air ASAP, so that will take a load off our minds on days like today (and nights like last night) when we're afraid Jacob is getting too hot.

His circumcision finished its healing process over the weekend, so we had another milestone. Diaper changes are so much easier now that we're not having to work around/worry about the umbilical cord and circumcision ring (it's this newfangled thing that keeps the maintenance to a minimum...it falls off on its own in a week or so)...now it's just avoiding any spray/projectile poop and making sure his little wee-wee is pointed down. Not too bad. Since both the circumcision and umbilical cord were healed, Jacob had his first real bath yesterday. Mommy and Daddy aren't too good at it yet, and Jacob hates it, but I'm sure we'll all get better with time.

That's about it from here for now...stay cool, everyone!

First Milestone

Jacob hit his first milestone today...his umbilical cord fell off! He's got a very cute little belly button, though it's a half-innie, half outie. It doesn't have anything sticking out of the middle like most outies, but it's not cavernous like a normal innie, either. It looks like it still has a little healing to do, but I have no idea if the belly button continues to change after this point to become a more obvious innie or outie. In any event, it was a relief to see it come off, because it's much easier to diaper him (he's squirmy enough without having to worry about folding down the top of the diaper) and it makes his belly much cuter :)


Now if his circumcision would finish healing, that would be even better! The little plastic device that they put on it to heal it is hanging on by just a thread, so it's got to be getting a little uncomfortable...probably like when you lose your teeth and they're hanging on by a little string and everything you eat pulls on it. That should be happening any time now, as well.

Not much else to report. I'm still on a quest to get a great picture of him for his birth announcement. Seems like it's overdue, I guess, but we really want to get a good picture that captures his essence, you know? He's so cute, but not the most photogenic at this point. Hopefully soon, though. We've gotten close and he's getting cuter by the day!

Have a nice weekend :)

Happy 4th!

Definitely an atypical 4th of July here today. It's still pretty early to cart Jacob around anywhere, so this 4th we're staying close to home. I did manage a trip to the grocery store and Craig did a little yard work, but normally we'd have probably done a LOT of yard work (the weather is beautiful and there's a ton of stuff I'd like to be doing out there) and found something fun to do today. Instead we'll finish off the day with a walk and a movie. No doubt the neighbors will give us a bit of a fireworks show, so maybe we can sit outside and enjoy that, too. It's a far cry from last 4th of July, when we went to my office downtown to watch the fireworks from the 16th floor. We were also eagerly awaiting news from my cousin and his wife on their impending arrival. They spent the 4th in labor. Now here we all are a year later...Anna turns one tomorrow and we have our own baby! Wow.

It should be a fun weekend with visits from both sides of the family. Craig's brother and his whole crew will be visiting tomorrow. My brother and his wife are arriving in Buffalo from Portland today and will be here with my parents on Sunday. It'll be a busy couple days, but a nice break from just sitting around the house watching TV in between feedings and crying spells.

In other news, some of my old clothes are finally getting close to fitting (I know, it's only been two weeks...). I'm back to the stage I was in back in the late winter-early spring, where some bottoms need a ponytail holder to do up the button. I haven't braved actually doing that yet, but it's good to know it's an option. I'm in this in between stage right now where I've shrunk down nicely...but that means my maternity clothes are too big and my regular clothes are a little too small. I discovered that a lot of my old shirts aren't going to fit me for a while because (get this) my chest is too big. They all look too short because my nursing-enhanced chest takes up a bunch of material that it never did before. I don't know if it's cheaper to go out and buy new clothes or give up nursing at some point and start paying for formula! I know the benefits of nursing are huge, so it probably wouldn't be any time soon, but it's interesting to be on the back end of the maternity clothes issues!

That's about it for now...Jacob's starting to fuss...but what else is new? At least today he's slept a bit and has hopefully dispelled our colic fears a bit. Two days of complete crankiness had us worried, but today's been better. Keeping our fingers crossed.

Have a Happy 4th of July!

Sleep

Sleep is an amazing thing. It's really surprising how getting some can dramatically alter your attitude and energy level. More amazingly, the amount of sleep we're talking about would barely render me functional before...although I suppose it doesn't take a high level of functioning to feed and change a baby and watch TLC all day. Not exactly brain surgery. But having sleep helps me do that stuff with a much better attitude than I would otherwise. Last night I fed Jacob between 11 and 12, and then went to bed. He was up again for an hour around 3, and then for another hour or so around 6:30, but then I got to sleep in until 9:30. I suppose that was merely equivalent to one good nap during the day, but for whatever reason it really helped.

I've decided that lack of sleep now manifests itself in different ways than before. I do tend to get extra tired around 9pm or 10pm, which makes evening TV watching a little hit or miss these days, but being tired seems to show up in more subtle ways. In some ways that's good, because I still manage to keep up my energy during the day, no matter how tired I am. However, it's also bad because it sneaks up on me and clobbers me before I even realize what's happening. That's how it was when I had my mental breakdown when Jacob was still in the hospital, and it seems that any frustrating moments I've had since then have also spawned from being overtired. Having a baby is stressful, but going through all of that tired can really make things extra difficult. It's a delicate balance, because no matter how tired you are there's still a baby to take care of, and when the baby's crying it's tough to get sleep. However, there's a point where you cease to be an effective parent, and hopefully you can find a way to get the recovery you need to bring yourself back to functionality. Craig is off for the weekend (other than one thing he has to do tomorrow evening), so it will be nice to have a little extra backup over the next few days. He can't do the middle of the night feedings, but he can get up and comfort Jacob when I've already been trying for an hour and am running on fumes. When he's working I feel a little bad asking him to do that, because I know how hard it would be to get up and be functional at work on such little sleep. Going back to work will definitely be a challenge, but luckily I still have another 4-1/2 weeks to figure all that out.

I hear some cries from the other room, so I'm off...

A Few Pictures...

I finally have a few minutes to blog after a trying day with Jacob. He wouldn't really eat or sleep today. His meals lasted on average about 5 or 10 minutes before he fell asleep, got cranky, or lost interest, then he'd pretend to conk out for a bit only to wake up the second I tried to lay him down. He's also continued his problematic diaper changes, shooting whatever he can wherever he can. I tried to nap for a bit today but that didn't last long, and once he finally had a decent meal and a clean diaper at the same time, I decided to venture out for my first walk with him. It went pretty well, I guess, and he's been sleeping ever since. It's allowed me to get some household chores done that had been sitting and waiting for a while. Not quite as fun as sleep, but I feel better regardless. Probably will have to wake him up soon to eat, though...he's been stirring a bit so it probably won't be long anyway. Better having him awake now than in the middle of the night, I suppose.

Now that it's pretty much done (for now--I'm sure the holes will fill in on their own as time goes on), I wanted to share a couple pictures of the nursery. Not much to it, but it's pleasant. The Baby Snoopy stuff still makes me smile.

And here's a cute picture showing Jacob's more angelic side :) No matter how hard we try to swaddle those hands in, he still manages to get them out!