Sunday Struggle

I'm sitting at Jacob's lacrosse practice that takes up two prime hours of Sunday afternoon, knowing that yet another weekend is dying a rapid death.  And as I sit here, I'm struggling.  Yes, I have some alone time and that's not horrible.  Carter is home with Daddy, who was literally walking in the door from 11 hours of travel, so I know it could be worse.  I'm typing on a little tablet so major proofreading will be in order later, but at least I have a distraction.  But I'm struggling.

I tried reading, but my book was making me cry so I had to stop.  It's the Slow Down book I got for Christmas, and between the subject matter and the bookmark I found inside that's a reminder I got it from my late Uncle Cliff, I was having a hard time not tearing up.  The book is about embracing the tough moments of parenthood and preparing for the next stage, but when I know my experience is sort of more complicated than most, and I have infinite scary fears about the "letting go" stage, it all just takes a darker turn.  So I had to stop for now.

I'm also worried about Carter's blood work tomorrow.  We've reached the point where we need to follow up on his ferritin level again.  Because he's developed a serious needle phobia, I asked his doctor if we should add other tests to this round so we can spare him any possible follow-up if the ferritin level doesn't end up where they want it.  Among those tests is a Celiac test.  He's not showing any obvious symptoms, but it would explain the ferritin and why he's such a super skinny kid.  Jacob didn't have many symptoms either and he was about this age when his issues started, so it's probably worth a check.  There's one other thing that's nagging me in regard to his pooping, where a couple times when I wiped him there was a tiny bit of blood on the toilet paper, and yet he insisted it didn't hurt to poop.  It still could have easily been from straining, but what scares me is that his poop has been dark in color because of the iron he's taking, so I'm not sure we'd see blood if it was there.  It's scary.  And I know it doesn't seem like a big deal if he's gluten-free, since we're already doing it all at home, but it would be a huge bummer for so many reasons.  He loves so many gluten-filled foods, and weaning him off those would be awful.  He would go through the same sorts of challenges that Jacob does with school events and family picnics and traveling, but he might be even more picky than Jacob.  I'd lose my dream of finally having a kid that can buy school lunch, and he'd no longer be my little buddy to take to Taco Bell or McDonald's or local favorite Carmine's.  He's my "easy kid" for many reasons, and the loss of that would be sort of devastating, because some days it's all I have.

But then I start worrying even more (hi, anxiety) that Celiac would be the least of our problems.  What if the blood work shows some other problem?  How many times do you hear about kids who are normal and symptom-free one day, and literally the next they're receiving a devastating diagnosis?  I've always felt like Carter was this amazing gift that I needed to savor every moment of, and for whatever reason I've always been nervous that he was cramming in all this awesomeness for a reason.  Horrible, isn't it?  So yeah, I'm nervous.

On top of all that, it was a rough weekend.  I sort of knew it would be, but I was still so desperate to get through the week and it saddens me that it didn't turn out well.  I was alone with the boys because Craig had a game in Saskatchewan, so from the time I picked them up on Friday until right when Jacob and I left for practice, I was the sole referee.  And through pretty much that whole time, the kids did nothing but fight.  Oh, they tried to hang out, and there were short moments where it sort of worked, but inevitably they were short-lived and had an explosive ending.  And when they weren't fighting with each other, they were giving me a hard time.  I ended up with a sore throat after a while.  Both kids were equally at fault.  Carter likes to get in these little shots as Jacob walks by, or overreacts like crazy when Jacob gets anywhere near him or his stuff.  Jacob loses his temper instantly and carelessly shoves Carter around.  He finds every opportunity to get on Carter's nerves and belittle him, which only angers Carter and starts everything over.  Their behavior is this vicious circle of actions and reactions that both believe are justified.  But it's exhausting and unnecessary.

My living room (and Carter's room) have been full of toys all weekend, and while I'm trying not to ruin the creativity, it's starting to get to me.  The basement has been a partial hockey rink setup for a couple weeks and in general I'm just tired of stepping over things constantly.  I tried to stave off the clutter-induced insanity by finally getting around to my filing, which I apparently hadn't done for real in a full year.  In addition to filing a year's worth of statements and instruction manuals, I also set aside our tax paperwork and cleared out three years' worth of old stuff.  It felt really good, but there's still too much in this house and I feel like the only person who cares to keep it in any sort of order.  It's tiring.  And with the weather still firmly in winter mode, we can't even go outside to give ourselves a change of scenery.

But this weekend was far from fun and now it's almost over.  And while it's a short week and next weekend should be fun, I know these four days of work will drag.  But I love Easter and it will just be me and Carter for most of the weekend, so hopefully it will be better.  If I could just fast-forward through the next 48 hours and know that all is well, I'd be much happier.  Keep us in your prayers...