Control

In talking through our recent challenges with Jacob's therapist, it seems like lately he's been struggling with a lack of control. Not self-control (though of course that's an issue, too), but control.  From school to home, he feels like he has no opportunity to make choices about his own life.  I suppose we all feel a little like that most of the time, and as a kid I know that's usually the norm, but when you remember that Jacob doesn't really think of himself as a kid, I guess I understand why it could be extra frustrating for him.

Jacob legitimately doesn't see himself in the kid role.  He hasn't for a few years now.  He genuinely thinks he should have every opportunity to do what he wants because it's his life.  It simply doesn't compute that someone else should be able to make decisions for him.  But, of course, he IS a kid.  And while he doesn't understand this, adults are put into kids' lives to give them proper guidance and help them avoid a lot of the bad stuff--dangerous situations, foolish decisions, wasted opportunities.  But when you don't believe that adults actually are smarter, of course you don't want to listen to any of that wisdom.  Hence his frustration.

We are constantly on his back, about everything.  Clean up.  Take your medicine.  Leave your brother alone.  Turn off the game and eat dinner.  Go in your room.  Do your homework.  Go to bed.  Get up and get ready so you can eat breakfast before school. 

He feels like he's constantly under his teacher's thumb.  He can't do anything without her getting on his case.  He doesn't like being forced to read, and he'd much rather have more active play time.

He didn't like his camp counselor over break, as he seemed equally as domineering as Jacob's teacher.  He usually has fun at camp but this guy took all of the joy and flexibility out of it.

He wants Carter to play with him, but often Carter doesn't want to, and Jacob hates that he can't make him do it.  Carter is stubborn, and inevitably they get into a fight over everything.  That fighting makes Carter even less likely to want to play afterward, but Jacob can't help himself because he's upset about the rejection.

He wants to play outside all the time.  But we're just getting to a time of year where there's a little daylight in the evening, and most of the time it's cold and either the grown-ups are tired or busy and Carter doesn't want to go out in the cold.

He has all these big ideas like sharing a room with Carter (no, seriously...and not a chance), building some sort of mini hockey rink in our house, and whatever else pops into his head.  We had a giant argument the other night because we won't let him move the couch out of our office or all of the furniture out of his room to make room for the rink.  Apparently everyone in his class has a playroom in their house, and even though toys and Legos take over much of our living room and basement on a regular basis, and his room is very large, apparently that's not good enough.

I wish we could say yes more often, but we have a couple problems.  First, he takes everything to an extreme, and has very little flexibility on that.  I'm cool with clearing out some spaces so he has more room to play hockey.  I even bought him one of those collapsible faux leather bench ottomans for his room so we can clean up the rest of the prized stuffed animals in his room, and I'm considering some changes in our office because the desk is on its way out anyway and I wouldn't mind getting that room a little more usable--for anything.  But that stuff wasn't enough for him and his big ideas, so past a certain point it, too, ends up being a no.  He wants to play with Carter, but because he has such an extreme, specific view of how that should work, Carter gets ticked and they end up fighting.  Jacob gets madder because Carter won't play, and the vicious cycle goes on and on.

The second problem is that so much of what he does is unacceptable, unreasonable, or inappropriate.  From the potty talk to pestering his brother, from ignoring us to insisting on having his way, there are just things that we can't let go.  And most days lately, everything is a fight.  Coming to the dinner table, bedtime, getting his shoes on for school, doing his reading homework before bedtime, cleaning up his own mess...you name it, we've battled.  They're not unreasonable requests on our part, but you'd think we asked him to climb Mt. Everest.  The stuff we're fighting is simple, basics-of-life stuff that he just can't seem to grasp--politeness, flexibility, planning ahead, neatness.  This is all stuff we've worked on for years, hoping at some point it would just stick, and in many cases, it still hasn't.  I try to get into the natural consequences stuff as much as I can, but honestly, so little phases him--until it comes to a head, and then he just blames us anyway.  And the more we have to do it, the more agitated he gets.  The more agitated he gets, the more he battles.  It's awful.

We keep trying to tell him that if he wants to earn some leeway and freedom, he needs to show us some maturity and earn it.  Knowing now that this lack of control is an issue for him, I'm trying to find opportunities where he can have a say.  Like buying the ottoman or redoing the office, I'm trying to hand off an olive branch that might help him see we're not entirely against him.  I can't budge on needing to get him to school on time, and I shouldn't have to budge on him coming to the dinner table on time, but maybe there are other things we can work on.  The problem is that if you give him an inch, he'll take a mile.  How can we get him to be thankful for what we compromise on, and not try to take advantage?  It's like one giant chess game with him.

I guess we'll just have to keep looking for opportunities and hoping he cooperates enough to make them work.  Stay tuned...