Not quite what we planned...

So, last weekend didn't quite turn out as we'd planned. That started on Friday. We braved the snow in the morning but by mid-morning I got a call that Jacob wasn't being himself. He wasn't as active in the morning and was complaining his head and throat hurt. Luckily, my office closed early due to the weather so I was able to go home, clear the snow from the driveway (thank God for our neighbor, who had already snowblowed most of it), and I made an appointment at the doctor's office. I figured that in the wake of his strep, and amidst a runny nose and all of these supposed ailments at daycare (he was supposedly tugging his ear one day, too), it wouldn't hurt to go get him checked once and for all. The poor kid is so traumatized from so many strep swabs and he freaked out, but he still had to get one more. And sure enough, positive. Seriously?!

I still feel lucky that his run-ins with strep aren't nearly as bad as they could be, but the big problem was that we were planning on seeing our friends, the Dohertys and McDonoughs, on Saturday. My parents were coming in mid-afternoon, and we were all going to visit Laurie, Colin, and Laurie's parents. We hadn't seen Laurie and Colin since last April, so we were really excited to get the boys together. Also, Laurie is pregnant and it would have been so fun to see her little baby bump! Last time we got to go through the experience together (a couple months apart), so it's a bummer that my "three years apart" plan didn't work because we could have done it again this time around. Still, I am so happy for them and very excited for when the baby comes--not just because I look forward to meeting him or her, but because I'll be interested to hear her stories of how she manages two kids. It is one of my biggest fears, so it will be nice to gain some insight from someone I know. Anyway...obviously the strep threw a wrench in our plans. Not only would it be a risk for Colin to get it, but the bigger risk was if Laurie got it. We didn't want to take any chances, so the visit was off. I'm not sure if we'll have a chance to see them again before the new baby, unfortunately, but hopefully that means we'll see them shortly thereafter!

My parents did still come visit and we went to the Knighthawks game that night. Jacob was his normal quiet self and wanted to spend most of the night on my lap. Other than his usual antics at dinner, he was a good boy. He was fading fast at the end of the night, but he did stay awake until after we were home. I knew it might make for a long day on Sunday, but what can you do? We hadn't been to a game in a while so it pretty much had to happen sometime!

During the game we sort of ended up deciding that we were all (me, Jacob and Craig) going to go to the National Lacrosse League All-Star Game, which was being held Sunday at Turning Stone Resort & Casino, which is in Verona, NY, just east of Syracuse. It would be a long drive but it would probably be an interesting time. So, we got up on Sunday and went. It was sort of fun to have an unplanned, spur-of-the-moment road trip, as we don't do a lot of that these days. Planning is sort of important when you have a toddler to consider, even if most of those plans get somehow screwed up. But it felt nice to have an unexpected fun outing. We had pondered stopping at a Cici's Pizza (that fabulous pizza buffet that you may have seen in commercials on TV--we've previously been to one in Orlando (when I was pregnant...best thing ever) and one in Erie last summer on our way back from Pittsburgh), but decided to get to the game early and hit Cici's for dinner on the way home.

I've been to Turning Stone once or twice before, but any trips were long before the resort is as it is now. We walked around a bit--mostly to let Jacob burn off some energy--and managed to catch this cute picture near this indoor waterfall.
We settled into our seats shortly before gametime with some arena food for lunch, and Jacob pretty much finished off a small box of popcorn on his own. And without further ado, the latest in our series of pictures of Jacob eating popcorn...

The game was a high scoring affair, but for some reason Jacob wasn't nearly as focused as usual. He was ready to run at halftime, and we found a nice open area for him to run. He was keeping the security folks entertained. Here he is showing off his shot...

While it was a fun event, I have to admit that the highlight for me was the giant Dale Chihuly piece in the lobby outside the entrance to the event center where the game was held. As you may recall, the weekend before I found out I was pregnant, I went with some family to see a Dale Chihuly exhibit in Pittsburgh. It was awesome. I also saw some of his work at the Corning Museum of Glass a couple summers ago. His work is so beautiful, and here are a couple shots of Turning Stone's piece...

And here's one more...

You wouldn't know it, but this one was taken amidst the most frustrating Jacob moment of the day. He was being downright evil at times. Again, sleep is really that important and seems to be a dividing line between pesky and just plain evil. So frustrating.

Things didn't get much better once we got to dinner, though at least we got to enjoy some tasty pizza (mac and cheese pizza, among others!) while trying to manage Jacob's misbehavior. Craig sat with him the whole way home and they watched a movie so Jacob would stay awake and go to bed normally. At least that part went according to plan and we all got a good night's sleep.

So, while the weekend was not quite like what I thought it would be, it turned out to be pretty good, frustrations aside. It went awfully quickly, and now here we are again at the beginning of another week. We'll see what this one has in store...

Thoughts on Infertility

Fortunately, infertility really isn't something we've ever had to deal with. For that, I am truly grateful. We had a short period of time before I got pregnant that we had our doubts. After I went off birth control, my body wasn't cooperating. We went through the difficulty of not knowing when we should be trying to conceive and suffered through the negative pregnancy tests that went with it. There was a lot of anticipation each time, and my mind (and body) were probably playing tricks on me as well, so each negative test was tough to take. It gave me even more of an appreciation of what infertile couples go through, because it is something that your life truly revolves around. Between a period and ovulation, and also the pregnancy test timeframe, there isn't much time in between for it to exit your mind for long. And if you extend that over months, or even years, it's such an agonizing way to live.

The anticipation of doing something so amazing and so permanent is exhilarating. Like anything else amazing, you're eager to get started and explore the adventure. For people who have a serious, life-calling-type desire to be parents, the inability to start their adventure must be excruciating. We wanted to be parents, obviously, and our lives would have been incomplete without it, but as I blogged about frequently back in the day, I didn't really feel like I had any great maternal instincts ready to burst forth. I've managed over the years, but there are still times that I know I'm missing some piece of the puzzle--the one that makes some activities and actions more natural than they sometimes feel for me. So if we wanted it this badly, I can only begin to fathom what it's like for others who have been eagerly anticipating this experience--rather than just expecting it would happen at some point--for their whole lives.

Recently I've heard a couple instances of the wrath of the infertile. A friend of mine has a close friend who has been going through infertility treatments. She's been through all sorts of treatments, including a couple unsuccessful rounds of in-vitro. She's one of these people that desperately wants to bear a child and raise it, and will stop at nothing to make it happen. She's been blogging about her experiences, and between that and her sensitivities to things her friends say, she's managed to alienate her friends a bit. They want to be supportive, but they never know what they might say to upset her. She even went so far as to blog about her feelings when different types of people tell her they're pregnant. Unfortunately, one of their group of friends is trying to conceive #2, and she has to keep that fact to herself. After all, her friend left nothing to the imagination with that blog post...and no, the response would not be favorable.

Then the other day one of my favorite bloggers announced that she is pregnant with baby #3. I enjoy her blogs because she's pretty honest. She has a sort of tongue-in-cheek writing style where she'll say pretty much whatever's on her mind--and I think that's part of why I like her, because she'll say things that I feel bad about thinking....you know, how sometimes she does just want to sit and blog and why are the kids bothering her!? Not the most politically correct, for sure, but it's closer to my life than some of the bloggers who seem to live these idyllic lives that make me feel tremendously inferior. Anyway, after she announced it on her personal blog, she wrote for Parenting.com, her once-a-week, about how panicked she is about having three, how they had exited the baby stage completely and are now going back, and all of the other concerns she has at this early point of her pregnancy. Almost immediately there were two commenters, both with fertility issues, chastising her for complaining about a third baby when they would have loved to have more. Interestingly, each of them had one and couldn't have more, and I found it a tad ironic that their comments might have been taken badly by someone unable to have ANY children. Here they were yelling at her for having three when they just wanted to have a second, but there are so many women probably thinking that those women should stop complaining since they were able to have one. But truly, the blogger wasn't complaining. She can seem a little over-dramatic at times, sure, but she makes it quite obvious that she loves her kids, that she loves being a mom, and that she's over the moon about #3, even if she has a million fears about it all. And really, what pregnant mom doesn't have concerns? I have about nine months worth of angsty blog posts floating around in my head for when we're heading toward baby #2. I could write about it now but I figure I'll save them until it's a little more relevant and imminent. The thing that killed me most is that this blog posting was generally positive--scared, yes--but mostly just a celebration of a really exciting announcement. And these women came and rained on the parade, acting as if she should be so grateful to have a third baby that she should have no reservations about it at all. Ummm, not realistic.

Now, all this said, every woman who has gone through infertility is more than entitled to be upset and frustrated. It is a horrible, awful thing to go through, and you can't blame them for being sad when it seems that everyone around them is pregnant or having babies. Heck, every time I hear about someone else who's pregnant, I have a twinge of sadness, as my "perfect plan" would have had me pregnant with them. But my plan didn't work out--and yes, I'm 99% at peace with that, as I can't imagine dealing with a baby and Jacob in his current state. Regardless, I do feel like I'm missing out on the party just a little bit. But at least I can feel that way having some degree of confidence that when we do decide to head down that road, we'll probably have success within a few months. Of course, the success beyond that point is still out of our control, but that's a whole different issue. But knowing that your fertility isn't under your control must make every announcement another form of torture. I can't even begin to fathom what they go through.

That said, I don't think it's fair to make fertile women feel guilty. Don't read a blog about parenting if you're highly sensitive about the subject. And even more, don't comment if you can't comment in the spirit of the post. Some posts are made to be debated...but a pregnancy announcement? Not so much. I get that jealousy is a tough thing to control. I'm sure that it's nearly impossible for infertile women to be completely, truly happy for a pregnant friend and there just isn't much they can do about it considering the immense sadness that their troubles cause them. But as one commenter said, the difference of opinion doesn't make anyone's feelings on the subject less valid. Just as the blogger is entitled to her joys and her concerns, the infertile commenters are entitled to their sadness and frustration...and neither should be making judgments about the other. Just as it's not particularly nice to comment negatively on someone's pregnancy announcement (when she obviously wasn't setting out to offend infertile women in the first place!), it wouldn't be fair for a fertile woman to comment on an infertility blog about how they should stop complaining and get over it. They're quite obviously writing for different audiences and that should just be respected.

I've had some experiences with this blog where things I have said have been twisted or taken out of context or just generally misunderstood. And while I wish that I would have been able to catch those things before I hit the "Publish" button, my intention was never to hurt anyone's feelings. There's only so much you can do to ensure that someone isn't going to take your words the wrong way, and that's probably the hardest thing about blogging. You can control what you write, but you can't control where someone else's mind is going to go with it. In the end I just feel like anyone who reads blogs should just take what they read at face value. Blogs are usually momentary thoughts frozen for posterity, not fine literature. Things are going to be written awkwardly or thoughtlessly, or said in frustration. They're written for a certain target audience that's familiar with the author's history and circumstances. As a result, it's more like sharing with a bunch of friends. So if you're not one of those "friends" (even in the most abstract sense), why are you butting in on the conversation? And in this case, if you're upset that you only have one child, why are you reading a blog where four of the six bloggers have more than one child? Why set yourself up for the frustration? And why rain on others' parades if you've willingly done this to yourself? That's what I just don't get. It's ok to be upset with your circumstances and feel bummed about others' successes, but it's not ok to make them feel guilty when it was never their intention to make you feel bad.

I pray that we never have to deal with infertility and wish nothing but the best for those who do. Parenthood is hard enough without having to climb that mountain on the way there.

Sleep is Everything

So, I have come to the conclusion that Jacob's wacky weekend was all about sleep. He was a bit more tolerable Sunday after his nap, and yesterday he was downright pleasant. Not that he didn't still have moments, but he IS two, after all. I have to think that getting us both back on a regular schedule meant everything, as not only was he better behaved, but I was far better equipped to deal with the "moments" he did have. He still didn't exactly sleep in yesterday, but it was better than his 6:30am wakeups previously. He pretty much asked to nap at the end of lunch, though he quickly recanted but still fell asleep while I rocked him for a mere five minutes. He napped for a good two hours. I rested a bit but not as well as I should have. Still, his behavior was considerably better. He played nicely and didn't have the mean streak that plagued us previously. Believe me, I didn't miss the random kicks to the shins or the attempted smacks to the head. He still attempted a couple when he was particularly upset, but really, I know it's just a temper thing and we have to help him get past it.

We've long known that Jacob gets loopy when he's tired. Instead of dragging, he tends to get hyper and silly. It was sort of funny when he was younger, but now that he's older and he thinks that misbehaving is funny--seriously, I have NO idea where he got that impression, because we have never made misbehavior a laughing matter--the goofiness manifests itself in some serious nastiness. He'll battle us at bedtime with screams, tantrums and hitting/kicking episodes. It's awful. He doesn't think it's a problem, as he usually laughs through much of it, which makes it that much more maddening on our end. I found myself wondering the other day if we should be applying to Supernanny or something. I at least made the mental note that I should be DVRing it, because when Jacob is bad, I'm getting desperate. I tend to think that this weekend was an extreme example and a bunch of factors combined into the worst possible scenario. He did lots of car sleeping, lots of waking up, odd napping, and whatever else. Plus he was excited to go to Toronto, which no doubt led to more hyper tendencies, and as a whole things were just "off".

In retrospect, I'm not sure what we could have done to avoid it other than stay home. And really, that's not fun for us and it's not particularly enriching for Jacob. We want to give him fun experiences like that. If we never do stuff like that, will he ever learn to regulate himself? I don't know. I do know that kids that travel in the car a lot learn to sleep in the car (no idea if it ever becomes more restful, though), and kids that sleep elsewhere a lot sleep better when they go to other places often, so I certainly don't want to coddle him. Maybe it's just the battle of getting through a couple rough experiences like this so he's better off next time, but I really have no idea. Maybe we're just doomed.

I think I mentioned before that I figured out when I had a baby how important sleep was to my outlook on life. And obviously you know how important it is to your baby, as you live and die by naptimes. Of course, part of that may be a desperate need for downtime as much as it's about knowing your baby needs rest. And sometimes as they get older, just when you think you're getting more flexibility, you realize that some things still aren't up for compromise.

Lately I've been pondering the infant life vs. the toddler life. I've been wondering whether one is easier than the other--sleep deprivation vs. eating battles, inexperience vs. keeping them out of everything, diaper blowouts vs. potty training--but it's all one phase vs. another, which is tough to compare. I still miss that ability to stare at my baby and think he's the most perfect thing in the world...because while Jacob still amazes me to no end, I know all too well that he's not perfect. It's not just behavior stuff...but increasingly it's concerns over what all the behavior stuff means and what the future holds. I miss the blank canvas and the unblemished vision of my sweet boy. But all of it is part of parenthood, so I'm fine with being along for the ride. And I look forward to experiencing it all again someday with a little more perspective and wisdom. Not too often you get to do something so huge the second time around with a little more wisdom under your belt. Too bad it's almost never the same :)

Long story short, it's a little bit of a bummer to realize that we're still chained to naptime and schedules so strongly. We want to do fun things, but we need to be prepared for battles and do whatever we can to keep the deviations from our schedule minimal. Maybe once we're past the terrible twos it'll be easier. Or not. I know deep down that so many other parts of our lives are easier now that Jacob is older, so sticking to a schedule is a small price to pay. And really, what's better than a little extra sleep? Let's hope we can convince ourselves to partake as well.

Patience Needed

This weekend has been an unbelievable challenge. As I mentioned, Jacob was giving us a lot of trouble on Friday, and it continued yesterday and again into today. I know that sleep issues were definitely part of the problem. It can't be a total coincidence that this behavior has coincided with a bit of a crazy schedule and some early wakeups. He got to sleep pretty much on time Thursday night, though that took place in the car on the way to Buffalo. Still, he slept the whole way there and woke up only briefly before snuggling with Craig and getting back to sleep. He slept pretty well that night--only a quick wakeup or two--but woke up by 6:30 or so that morning, far earlier than usual. He was a handful that morning but I was hoping a much-needed nap in the car on the way to Toronto would be the magic formula...but no, he woke up as feisty and difficult as before. While a nap later in the day would have been helpful, it didn't happen. we managed while we were at the arena, and he was his usual entranced self during the game. But he fell asleep before we were out of the arena and settled into a deep sleep on the way back to my parents' house. He woke up in almost a sleepwalking-like state when we got back, but basically turned over and fell asleep the second I put him in the crib. Again, he had a brief wakeup or two overnight, and another 6:30am wakeup call awaited. I really wanted to sleep more, but Jacob would not go out and hang with my parents like he normally does. Instead he tortured me, insisting he wanted to sleep more but instead kicking me, crawling over me, and making me generally nuts. I was very concerned about driving home so tired, but I didn't have a choice. Yet again he got a car ride nap, this time at noon, but this one was shorter as he woke up at 1:20 when we got home. Full of trouble for the rest of the day, particularly when I was trying to rest while he played and he continued to bother me...which out of desperation led to an hour in his crib while I was on the couch. But unfortunately, he screamed for a good chunk of that time, and not a moment of sleep was had by either of us. Exhausted, I opted to stay home from the Knighthawks game and avoid the howling winds. An early bedtime for Jacob was on tap, hoping he'd be better today.

He was up early again, somewhere around 7, and was an absolute nightmare at church. Normally he has bad moments, but today the whole thing was a disaster. He wouldn't do any of the normal activities that usually keep him occupied...books, drawing, snacks, toys...nothing. We both took him out at separate times and dealt with a lot of flailing around on the floor. Brutal. He fell asleep on the way home around 11am and slept a couple hours. Lunch went pretty well, the afternoon was generally fine, and dinner wasn't bad. He told us he had to go potty (poop, even!), and went down pretty well. I'm not sure what flipped the switch back to tolerable, but the afternoon and evening seemed like night and day from the past 2-1/2 days. Maybe a good nap in his own bed helped, maybe it was the realization at lunch that I don't expect him to eat all his food, but want him to put in a "good effort", trying his food, eating it at a reasonable pace, not playing with it, and being generally polite. I've told him that before, but he seemed to get it today. He might forget it tomorrow, but I guess when you have a child that has the potential to learn so many new things each day, you always have to hold out hope that today will be the day it sticks.

Tomorrow Jacob and I will be home alone. I'm praying he sleeps well, eats well, and naps well, because I will need as much in my favor as I can get. I'm not normally nervous to spend a full day home alone with him, but tonight, I am. It was that bad of a weekend. There were so many blatant no's, so much hitting and kicking, so much mischief. And I'll admit I was short on patience...probably because I was tired as well. I'm finding it hard to find ways to discipline him, since nothing seems to work...yelling, spanking, timeouts...nothing. We've tried them all at various points, and the frustration when they don't work is horrible. I'm at a loss and it's so hard. So hopefully tomorrow he's back on his schedule a bit and things are a little easier. I wanted to do something fun, but I think breaking out markers for the first time might be as good as it gets. Especially because the weather is supposed to be snowy. Again.

Wish us luck...

Toronto

After consulting the Knighthawks' schedule this season, I decided to take off work on Friday to head up to Toronto for the Knighthawks game against the Toronto Rock. We decided to make a day of it and bring Jacob along. We had tried to bring Jacob along at least once before, but he ended up being too sick and had to stay back with my parents. Let me start by saying that Toronto is one of my favorite places in the world--and strangely, I've hardly explored any of it. Usually when we go there, we stick to the same general paths...same hotels, same restaurants, same activities. I suppose that's because we're only there for short periods of time, and frequently we're going for a sports event and we like to hit up our favorite restaurant, Marche', which is conveniently in the same complex as the Hockey Hall of Fame, which is a frequent shopping destination. Still, I love the city. I remarked on Facebook later in the day how much being in Toronto on a weekday made me appreciate city life. There was so much activity, so much going on, and so much to see. Even just the concourse by the Hall of Fame was bustling with quick-serve restaurants and little shops, all crawling with families, businesspeople, and shoppers. I wish I worked in a complex like that...though I might go broke and/or never get anything done! I just like that cities have millions of "stories" walking around them all the time, visitors from all over, people just living their everyday lives...just a different world than the one I live in every day. When I was younger, I dreamed of living in Toronto. I guess in the end I didn't have the guts to go that big and different, and preferred to stick closer to the suburban life I knew. It may not be as fancy, but it's still a good life. Anyway...

We drove to my parents' on Thursday night, then headed into Toronto on Friday morning. Jacob slept the whole way up, which was a relief since he woke up at 6:30 that morning...way early for him. It was a bright, sunny day...a little windy but in the 50s, which was so much better than it could be this time of year! Driving into the city was darn near majestic, and we were so excited to introduce Jacob to the Hall of Fame. Craig had to take care of a work thing before we parked and headed to grab lunch in the concourse near the Hall of Fame. Craig had Subway and Jacob had McDonald's, but I was excited to get something more interesting--a foccacia slice with chicken, mushrooms, zucchini and cheese from Marche's quick serve location (the real restaurant is upstairs). Yum!

Unfortunately, Jacob's nap didn't exorcize the crazies, and he was a handful for the whole day. He wouldn't listen, he'd run away, and as usual, he had his own agenda and it didn't match up with ours. He wouldn't smile for pictures and was ready to dart off at any given moment. I lost patience awfully fast. Still, it was a fun trip to go back to the Hall of the Fame for the first time in a long time.

Here are Craig and Jacob with the sculpture outside the hall. This was especially cool, because the "Z is for Zamboni" book we got Jacob has "Hall of Fame" for "H", and this sculpture is the picture they show.

Initially Jacob was super afraid of a number of bronze sculptures--a huge goalie outside the HOF store, and then two big ones just inside the gates. But once past those, Jacob ran around like a madman. He wasn't looking at anything in particular, but he was wielding his trusty hockey stick which we had to watch closely with all of the glass display cases. He really liked seeing a couple bubble hockey games they had, and loved the interactive area, which had a few simulators and a fake ice surface....

One of my favorite features of the HOF every time I've been there is the replica Montreal Canadiens' dressing room. I was a little disappointed to see that the area that used to be the training room had been turned into more displays, but the main room is still lovely. After lots of trying, this was the best picture we could get...

Here's Jacob with the giant goalie mask in the International area...

When we headed up to the Great Hall where the Stanley Cup is, Jacob was getting particularly difficult. Craig tried to get a picture of Jacob and him with the Cup, but Jacob was squirming all over the place and the guy that was there watching over the Cup was seriously concerned that Jacob was going to knock it over. Ugh. I spent a bunch of time in the Great Hall trying to get cool pictures of the many visual splendors of the room--shiny trophies, gorgeous lighting, and the most amazing stained glass dome. Craig was chasing after Jacob a lot. Right before we left I tried to get a picture of Jacob and me with the Cup, but once again, nothing but squirms...

I did manage to get a solo picture as well, to update the one I got when I was 15 or so. We headed up to the store after that, to seek out Jacob's long awaited hockey guys, the ones he uses for his hockey games. He was ready to shop...

In case you can't see, he's got an armload. We only allowed him to get two--one for now and a second for later, maybe when he's making strides with potty training. We had a lot of guys to search through, though...

While I was trying to take a picture of another cool statue in the store and Craig was distracted by a phone call, Jacob managed to topple over (on purpose) a two-foot high metal trash can full of soft knee hockey balls. Seriously? Geez.

Before we left, Jacob got up enough guts to get somewhat near one of the big sculptures, the one outside the store...

We wandered around a bit to kill time and try to find the newest Brady Brady book, but no such luck. Eventually we headed to the Air Canada Centre so Craig could set up for the game. We got kicked out of the hallway by the Knighthawks locker room (twice) by a security guy, because Jacob's incessant yelling (for various reasons) was filtering into the Toronto Maple Leafs press conference announcing a trade they made, which was being held in the adjacent press lounge. How emabrrassing. We did manage to get a good look at the arena from floor level, then headed up to the press box...

Jacob and I had to kill a lot of time from there while Craig did work, and shortly before game time we headed out to the concourse to get some dinner and watch the game. We left early, though, as I was exhausted and had a long drive back to North Tonawanda alone since Craig was going back with the team so he was able to get back into work first thing this morning. The drive back was as windy as I've ever experienced, but I managed to stay awake and Jacob slept the whole time, starting from before we even left the arena!

We were coming back this morning to welcome my oldest friend, Heather, for a weekend visit, but thanks to the sudden burst of snow across the state this morning, that didn't happen. So, it was just Jacob and me for the rest of the day today, another trying day. More on that later, but at least we have a day with Craig tomorrow. Can't wait!

Thursday Randoms

No major topics of note today, but a handful of things have been banging around inside my brain, so here goes...

Is it pathetic that I am really relieved that Jacob has figured out how to get out of his car seat alone? I mean, I still have to release the buckles and all that, but he has finally figured out how to lean forward and get his arms out of the straps, then to stand up on the edge of the seat (the real seat, not his), brace himself on the front seats with his hands, and carefully step around his car seat, across the backseat, and down. I usually swoop him off the seat and out of the car, but that's easy compared to lugging a 30-pound child out of a car seat. For some reason (ummm, maybe because I kept helping him?) he wouldn't do it on his own for the longest time, no matter how much I encouraged him to move and try to get himself out. And then, because I have no patience, I would then step in and get him out. But it has been really awesome to watch him figure it out and come out victorious, and I think he finds it to be a fun challenge each time. He doesn't always want to do it--he is two, after all, and sometimes that seat must feel pretty comfy--but it's such a relief when he does. I'm still a little concerned about the effects of dirty boots and shoes on my car seats, but I guess I'll just have to put down a blanket or something.

For the past week or so I've had a problem with waking up, wide awake, at about 5:15am. I couldn't fall back to sleep to save my life, but I was still tired enough that I could not drag myself out of bed and be productive. Knowing that the sleep I was getting wasn't enough (about 5.75 hours on average), I think I was just determined to try to fall back to sleep for that last hour (plus a half hour with the snooze button). I didn't want to solidify that that was all the sleep I was getting for the day. It drove me nuts that this had happened for a week straight, minus the weekend, without a cause. I'm guessing my anxiety over knowing how close I was to my alarm probably was an issue with falling back to sleep--hence my lack of a problem over the weekend--but it's been pretty awful. And pair it with some sleeping issues on Jacob's end--which Craig has been great about taking more than his fair share of--and it's made for some pretty awful sleep deprivation. Surprisingly I've made it through work relatively unscathed (that I know of), though I have had a couple sleepy patches here and there. It's far from an ideal scenario, though, because the more tired I am, the less likely I am to want to be active in the evenings, and the less patience and optimism I have in general. I wouldn't doubt that my Valentine's Day crankiness was partially caused by this. And I've noticed a distinct lack of patience with Jacob when I'm extra sleep deprived. I truly never noticed how my world was affected by sleep deprivation--beyond the usual nodding off--until I had a baby. My sleep-deprived breakdown the first week and the realization that my general outlook on life was vastly better with a good night's sleep were real eye-openers. I did sleep normally last night--aside from short wakeups and a Jacob wakeup that Craig handled--and woke up with my alarm, but I think I was more tired this morning than any other. It's just amazing how sleep impacts so much when you're a parent.

Tomorrow we're going to Toronto, our first trip there with Jacob in tow. The Knighthawks are playing in Toronto, so we're going up early and taking a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame. We figure Jacob is old enough to begin to appreciate it, and we haven't been there in years--maybe since just a few months into our dating, though I think maybe we went one other time years ago. Jacob's schedule aside, it should be fun. We have to figure out the best way to fit in a nap and fill our day so Jacob doesn't get bored and drive us nuts. We're going to go to the arena with Craig and visit the press box before the game, then the two of us will sit in the seats and leave when we're ready since Craig is going back with the team. We'll head to my parents', and we'll be back home by lunchtime Saturday for a weekend visit from my oldest friend, Heather, who's coming to visit from Binghamton. Should be a lot of fun! Jacob and I have Monday off. I need it! Have a nice weekend, and hopefully I'll have some good pictures soon!

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

So yesterday was Valentine's Day. I'll admit that we've officially fallen among the ranks of the old married folks, because it was pretty much a non-event. At least not compared to years past where we went out for a nice romantic dinner or bought nice gifts for each other. In general, I'm sort of torn about the holiday. It's definitely a Hallmark holiday, and I hate that it tends to be so forced. The whole, "You must do something nice for your significant other (or child or other loved one) on this specific day" thing just seems so commercial, so forced. On the other hand, sometimes things get so busy that you need a reminder like that to stop and do something special. In general I'm sort of torn about the gift thing, for any occasion. I mean, if I find the perfect gift for someone, I'm totally fine with buying it and giving it. But if nothing's jumping out at me and I'm going to end up resorting to something generic or cheesy, then I'd rather just skip it. That may not be the right thing to do socially, but quite frankly, I don't need a whole bunch of random stuff clogging up my house, and most likely the receiver doesn't either. Edible stuff is one thing, I suppose, but actual space-occupying stuff...ugh. It's more stress to have to find a place for it than I'm sure the giver would want. It's the thought that counts, I know...and I appreciate that. But sometimes, less is more. I suppose this is a bigger social issue relating to our consumer culture and our obsession with "stuff", and one simple blog post isn't going to change the world so I really need to just conform. Anyway...


Now that Jacob is around, there are a few different facets of Valentine's Day to consider. A couple years ago I was appalled when it was suggested that Jacob's class of babies would be exchanging valentines...but sure enough, he got a couple. Last year I asked and the teachers didn't seem to care either way. Again, as I recall, Jacob got a couple. This year it was a given that it would be happening, which I still find odd but at least the kids are old enough to know each other's names (and say them), so I went along with it. I used a box of valentines I got on super-clearance two years ago (Winnie the Pooh ones--not exactly Jacob's style, but do I care? Not really.). And then I got to thinking and realized that most kids were probably going to include something with their valentines, so I ended up getting suckers (not cool Valentine's-themed ones, unfortunately, as Wegmans didn't have them) and wrapping the valentines around them before sealing them with a sticker. And thank goodness I did, because quite a few kids gave stuff as well--a pencil, candy, stickers--and I wanted to keep up with the Joneses, I guess. Normally I don't want to subscribe to that theory, but when it comes to my child, it's hard. Kids are cruel and I don't want him to be ostracized for a social misstep like this down the road. I know it doesn't really matter now, but I sort of feel like I need to get myself used to this stuff now, before it becomes a big deal. Way overthinking, I know. But regardless, it makes me wonder when the world started moving away from just exchanging paper valentines. Same goes for birthdays. I sent cupcakes. Some kids send goodie bags o' stuff. Really?! Why? The kids are too young to care and the parents aren't even present to encourage competition. Why must we up the ante so much so early?

As far as gifts, we did get Jacob a couple things. He's got enough candy and toys to last him a while, though, so we just kept it simple. Craig gave him a little football figure that he bought for a rainy day (potty prize, etc.) that he'd been itching to give to him, and I gave him a book. Since he's been enjoying two hockey books that he got recently--Dino-Hockey, from my college roommate for Christmas; and Ben & Lucy Play Pond Hockey, which Craig got him when he was in Minnesota--I figured I'd add to it (thanks in part to that awesome Groupon deal recently to get $20 of Amazon merchandise for $10). I got him Z is for Zamboni, which is an alphabet book full of hockey references. I figured he'd like it since his alphabet knowledge is generally limited to the alphabet song, the letters on the wall next to his changing table, and associations with sports stuff ("B is for baseball", "K is for Knighthawks")...so this seemed right up his alley. I think he'll really grow to like it even more when he's older and can read some of the fine print on each page, the background info behind the main rhyming verse on each page.


I didn't get Craig anything, and he didn't get me anything. We got each other cards, which we both quickly filled out immediately before giving to each other. Romantic, huh? Craig got a card for Jacob (with an octopus on it, which is appropriate since octopi are an inside joke with us), and I hastily made a card out of a construction paper heart for Jacob to give Craig. Hmmm. As far as the lack of gifts, it's hard. If nothing else I'd probably just get Craig another movie or something along those lines, which he doesn't really need, and he'd probably get me flowers or something, which are nice...but they die. So in the end it's just spending money to spend money, to show you've thought about the other person and gotten them something. Again, if there's something perfect that you'd buy even if it weren't a holiday, that's fine. But no need to force it. I try to be pretty money-conscious, so even if Craig did get me jewelry or something else nice, I'd probably scold him for spending that much money. Again, romantic, huh?

As for dinner...well, Craig and I were originally planning on leaving Jacob home with Lori while we went out to dinner, which is pretty much par for the course for our nights out in recent years. However, I didn't think it was fair for Lori to have to spend her Valentine's Day with Jacob just because she's single, so, with Craig's approval, I decided we should all go out together. After all, I know what usually happens when we go out alone--Jacob freaks out when we leave and we rush through dinner and spend most of it talking about him (or work) anyway. Not exactly romantic. So, I figured we might as well try something different. I tried to think of a place to go that was family-friendly yet wouldn't have an out-the-door wait, but after driving by so many busy restaurants and hearing nothing but half hour waits, we settled on Ruby Tuesday so we could just get on with it. The food was good, but Jacob was a disaster. He was super tired much earlier than usual, wouldn't eat his food, and was just generally difficult--throwing crayons, crumpling up his placemat, playing with his straw--so it ended up being a not-so-great dinner, at least for me. Follow that up with some crankiness on my end about how I always feel like the "bad cop" parent and it was a pretty sucky and decidedly un-romantic end to our evening.

So...what can I say? It's one day, and it was meant to be a special one. Part of me knows we should have taken advantage of that and stoked the romantic fire a bit with a night out alone. But maybe part of me was afraid that it wouldn't be that romantic after all and we'd find ourselves bored with each other. We're both tired, we're both stressed, and sometimes it's hard to step outside of that and just enjoy each other's presence. But we have 364 other days of the year to try again. I guess I was a little too optimistic about Jacob's behavior, and I hoped it would be fun to do something different. Lesson learned.

Next year I hope I get better at planning in general. Better dinner choice, more planning for presents, and even more effort into Jacob's daycare valentines. I always enjoyed Valentine's Day as a kid--both the little gifts from my parents and school activities--and I want to make sure Jacob does as well. Sometimes it takes one stinker to learn a tough lesson, and hopefully next year I'll do better. With everything.