I know I've said it a million times during this pregnancy, but it is definitely the pregnancy of, "Hey, that didn't happen last time!" It all started with the extra month of nausea, followed by a yeast infection and a UTI (both firsts ever for me). I managed to skip the leg cramps and the severe round ligament pain I had last time (only one instance of each this time), but traded them for a couple months of discomfort I didn't have last time. I couldn't work out as long and have been paranoid about an early delivery for a while. I'm dilating more quickly, and I've been dealing with swelling in my hands and feet that never bothered me last time, despite the fact that last time there was 90 degree weather at this point in my pregnancy. I took off my wedding ring the other day, which I don't think I ever had to do last time. It was just getting too tight and I was worried it was going to cause problems come delivery time. I've replaced it with a ring that used to be my grandma's. It's a little bigger, has a row of CZ stones, and a goldtone band. Wearing it makes me feel a little less "naked". I was looking through pictures yesterday from right after Jacob was born, and I noticed I had my wedding ring on later in the day he was born, despite the fact I was pumped full of fluids at that point. Not a chance this time, let me tell you. And as for my feet and ankles...by the end of a work day they just look like chubby little sausages with no definition. Lovely. All in all, it's been such a different experience physically this time around. I guess I'm feeling lucky I didn't get stuck with gestational diabetes, varicose veins, stretch marks, or true morning sickness either time. It could always be worse, right?
But the physical stuff aside, this pregnancy has been such a different experience in other ways. Obviously there are many different worries and emotions this time around. We know the gender, which we didn't last time. Ironically, I'm not sure it improved my ability to bond with this baby ahead of time. I'd hoped it would, and maybe if it would have been a girl I'd feel a little different, but so far I don't feel considerably more connected to this baby than I did last time. I am more excited this time, I think, because the pure fear I dealt with last time definitely overshadowed things a bit. But knowing the gender did help us focus our name search and plan ahead better. Instead of focusing on how this baby is going to impact us, I think we're more concerned with the impact of this baby on Jacob. I think we're well aware the baby is going to make things doubly exhausting, and that's a concern, but we're definitely most cautious when it comes to Jacob. We're doing what we can to prepare him, but I'm not sure anything we say is going to communicate to him the extent of the life change he's about to go through. Perhaps that's a good thing, but it's definitely one of the bigger wildcards this time around. Jacob was also the recipient of the majority of the pre-baby prep early on, since we had to get his room ready before we could start on the baby stuff, and much of what I've blogged about during this pregnancy has had as much to do with Jacob as with the pregnancy itself. He's certainly been a central figure to this entire process.
Even on a practical level I feel like things have been so much different. Something as simple as painting the baby's room was a big change of pace for us, since we never did anything like that last time. Last time we went through a very deliberate process to get ready for a baby. We took two sets of baby classes--baby care and childbirth--and I read up on everything as much as possible, from the internet to "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I haven't touched much of that stuff this time around. I get my weekly pregnancy emails and read things in passing on blogs, but that's been about it. I actually feel a little ill-prepared at the moment, almost like I'm going to forget some key element of baby care because I've blocked it out from last time and just haven't been reading enough to trigger my memory. I'm hoping instinct will kick in.
We went through the whole crazy process of baby registries last time, along with three showers to collect all of those baby goods. Well, I did a very small registry this time, just for simple stuff I knew we could use again or that needed replacing. There are probably holes that I'm not even thinking about, but for some reason I'm less panicky about trying to figure those out. Gathering up most of the baby stuff this time has been a little haphazard. I pulled stuff out of the crawl space and have barely organized things. The clothes obviously took a bit of work to remove those nasty stains, but I've basically just grouped them into sizes and thrown them into any old spot in the baby's drawers and closet. Last time I was crazy about finding the exact right spot for everything. I have pulled out the bottles and just yesterday made a spot in the kitchen cupboards for them. Tonight I got new nipples and inserts for them, so that's one less thing to worry about at the moment. There's still a giant bag of bibs in the basement, but I have no idea if I even need them right now so I'm leaving that task as one to tackle during maternity leave. The baby bathtub, toys, and my beloved breast pump have also been pulled out of the crawl space, but I haven't really done anything with any of them. We finally took a trip to Babies 'R' Us tonight to fill in some holes, like the fact that we only had ONE diaper in the house. The way I've been feeling lately had been a bit of a holdup to that one. I just find it funny that last time I was extra concerned with having everything just so last time (though ironically, much of this stuff has been done far earlier this time, perhaps because I've been more concerned about going early), but this time I'm pretty content with the here-and-there preparations I've done so far. I guess it's just the beginning of the second-time parent/second-kid syndrome. I don't know if we're just going to be more laid back, or we realize how important it is to plan since managing two kids is such a different animal, but it's just been a totally different vibe this time around. We'll have to wait and see if that trend continues once this little boy makes his appearance...
In other news, I started feeling a little better last night after dealing with a couple days of pressure and discomfort. I actually felt pretty good this morning when Jacob and I headed to church. We spent a little extra time there today because they had transformed the gym into Bethlehem. Jacob planted some sunflower seeds and made a spice packet at a couple of the crafty tents they had set up, and we sampled some foods popular in that time (nothing too funky, though Jacob did enjoy apricots). They had some little skits, but I don't think we stayed long enough to catch Mary, Joseph, and Jesus post-birth. While we were there, one person gave me a, "Whoa, you must be close!", which was the first time I think I've ever gotten that. Admittedly, my belly is starting to look like a feat of engineering, but it's still not that big compared to some people's, I'm sure. Someone else asked me if my name was Mary. Haha. Funny. But we had fun anyway.
I was a little extra tired this afternoon, but after a nap I worked on getting the car seats worked out. I moved Jacob's from the center to the side in both cars, and added the baby seat bases to the other side in each car. It didn't take long but it was a little tiring, and ever since I've been back to feeling a little iffy. Lots of pressure, a little sore and fatigued, and just generally uncomfortable. I really can't help but feel that something is going to happen this week, if only because I was nearly 4 cm as of Thursday and that's where I was when my fluid leaked and I went into the doctor the morning before Jacob was born. How long can I possibly last like this? Any sort of activity leaves me feeling a lot of pressure--from shopping to laundry to organizing. But laying around isn't all that comfortable either, yet mentally it makes me feel a little "safer".
It's definitely going to be an interesting week--from how I'm feeling, to Jacob's last week of soccer, to Valentine's Day, to more final preparations--we have plenty going on!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Fighting Nemo
Yesterday was interesting. Winter Storm Nemo (yes, they started naming them this year) came through town. And the rest of the northeast, for that matter. It started snowing pretty good around 11am, and by 1pm my office closed. I opted to try to finish up some work to let Jacob finish up his nap at daycare, not to mention that leaving my office on weekends is a little stressful considering I don't know if I'll be back by Monday. Yesterday in particular I was feeling a lot of belly pressure, and it was making me extra nervous. I headed out by 2pm and actually made good time even though the roads were terrible. I was so happy to get home and see that our neighbor had at least put a dent in the snow in our driveway. Though it only seemed like there were a couple inches in the city, we had at least six at our house!
I spent most of the rest of the day as horizontal as possible. The belly pressure was difficult to manage and my mucus plug issue was still messing with my head a bit. With Craig on the road, I didn't want to take any chances. He was on his way back, but it was a long trip even without the snow. He didn't think he'd make it back last night, so I went to bed and was surprised to wake up to the sound of activity just outside--he made it home at 3am after a stop at his office and some late-night shoveling to get in the driveway. It was nice to have him back, just in case.
This morning we woke up to over a foot of snow. The neighbor has been helping with our driveway, which is huge. I feel bad I can't do anything. It looks amazingly beautiful outside, but there is a lot of snow. Last night when I went to bed I noticed a small tree in our yard--usually probably about seven feet tall--was bent over and touching the ground!
Our yard is just a winter wonderland. Not sure this really does it justice, but I couldn't really get out the back door and all of our back windows have screens.
Everything is covered to the point of being nearly unidentifiable. Of course, we got off easy. Connecticut and Massachusetts got 2-3 feet of snow. Yuck. I'm just happy that it has stopped and the roads are less daunting now, if nothing else.
Unfortunately, Craig is now back on the road, in Buffalo this time. There's a game there tonight and he'll be back sometime tomorrow. Then the roadtrips are over until the first weekend of March, and if this baby is still in my belly by then, I will be shocked...and Craig won't be going. But at this point I'm still nervous enough about not going into labor this weekend. I'm still very uncomfortable--lots of pressure every time I get up, too many mucus plug episodes (sorry, I should probably have a code word for those or something)--and I'm doing my best to stay on the couch and drink water. If I can get a couple things done here and there, great...but no sense pushing it when Craig isn't here. Jacob and I addressed his valentines this morning, and I really should do a load of laundry at some point and clean up a couple things. I also want to get to Babies 'R' Us this weekend for a diaper deal they have, but the thought of going out makes me nervous. I'm not sure how I feel about church tomorrow, but they're doing something special--they recreated Bethlehem in the gym--so I'd like to be able to make it at least one more week. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to manage work days if this keeps up, but I don't want to start disability early, and I still have so much I'd like to do.
Everything will feel a little less scary when Craig is back. Still, I can tell I'm absolutely petrified about going into labor. Even with knowing the baby would probably be fine at this point, I still feel a sense of panic and loss of control. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable with the amount of work I'd like to get done, but at least I feel considerably better about getting the baby stuff at home a little more settled. I worry about Jacob and making sure everything's covered. I worry about the pain and the exhaustion, and going through the same stressful post-birth stuff we dealt with with Jacob. Heck, I worry about everyone hating the name we've picked. I worry about not sleeping, forgetting how to take care of a baby, and making time for Jacob.
But I'm also excited. We have a new little person to meet. He seems awfully eager, so we'll just have to see how much longer we can make him wait...
I spent most of the rest of the day as horizontal as possible. The belly pressure was difficult to manage and my mucus plug issue was still messing with my head a bit. With Craig on the road, I didn't want to take any chances. He was on his way back, but it was a long trip even without the snow. He didn't think he'd make it back last night, so I went to bed and was surprised to wake up to the sound of activity just outside--he made it home at 3am after a stop at his office and some late-night shoveling to get in the driveway. It was nice to have him back, just in case.
This morning we woke up to over a foot of snow. The neighbor has been helping with our driveway, which is huge. I feel bad I can't do anything. It looks amazingly beautiful outside, but there is a lot of snow. Last night when I went to bed I noticed a small tree in our yard--usually probably about seven feet tall--was bent over and touching the ground!
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| I have never seen it do anything like this, so I have no idea if it will be able to bounce back... |
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| You can see the wires drooping on the right, and the swing set is impressively covered. Snow is piled up everywhere. |
Everything is covered to the point of being nearly unidentifiable. Of course, we got off easy. Connecticut and Massachusetts got 2-3 feet of snow. Yuck. I'm just happy that it has stopped and the roads are less daunting now, if nothing else.
Unfortunately, Craig is now back on the road, in Buffalo this time. There's a game there tonight and he'll be back sometime tomorrow. Then the roadtrips are over until the first weekend of March, and if this baby is still in my belly by then, I will be shocked...and Craig won't be going. But at this point I'm still nervous enough about not going into labor this weekend. I'm still very uncomfortable--lots of pressure every time I get up, too many mucus plug episodes (sorry, I should probably have a code word for those or something)--and I'm doing my best to stay on the couch and drink water. If I can get a couple things done here and there, great...but no sense pushing it when Craig isn't here. Jacob and I addressed his valentines this morning, and I really should do a load of laundry at some point and clean up a couple things. I also want to get to Babies 'R' Us this weekend for a diaper deal they have, but the thought of going out makes me nervous. I'm not sure how I feel about church tomorrow, but they're doing something special--they recreated Bethlehem in the gym--so I'd like to be able to make it at least one more week. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to manage work days if this keeps up, but I don't want to start disability early, and I still have so much I'd like to do.
Everything will feel a little less scary when Craig is back. Still, I can tell I'm absolutely petrified about going into labor. Even with knowing the baby would probably be fine at this point, I still feel a sense of panic and loss of control. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable with the amount of work I'd like to get done, but at least I feel considerably better about getting the baby stuff at home a little more settled. I worry about Jacob and making sure everything's covered. I worry about the pain and the exhaustion, and going through the same stressful post-birth stuff we dealt with with Jacob. Heck, I worry about everyone hating the name we've picked. I worry about not sleeping, forgetting how to take care of a baby, and making time for Jacob.
But I'm also excited. We have a new little person to meet. He seems awfully eager, so we'll just have to see how much longer we can make him wait...
Thursday, February 7, 2013
36 Weeks
Well, the beginning of my 36th week is starting with one heck of a bang. Last night at bedtime Jacob was complaining that his belly hurt. He insisted he didn't feel sick--it just hurt. He woke up a couple times before we even went to bed because of it, but he never seemed to be in serious pain. In fact, both times he pretty much shooed us back out of the room and fell back to sleep. But at 1:30am, I heard a cry from his room and probably moved as fast as I have during this pregnancy to get to his room, just in time to grab a strategically placed bucket (we had brought in a bucket and moved some animals out of his bed, just in case) and catch most of what he was puking up. UGH. We let him get the first round out of his system, cleaned him up a bit, and then Craig and Jacob headed down to the bathroom to hang out and wait for more. I cleaned up Jacob's bed--a few animals needed some wiping down, and I had to strip off some of his bedding. I started a load of laundry and headed back up to check on the boys. Jacob was better for the moment, but we got the boys comfy enough to camp out in the bathroom. I've discovered that an old comforter and some towels work wonders with a puking child. I would have taken a shift in the bathroom overnight, but I can't get comfortable in my own bed, let alone on a bathroom floor. Not to mention that it's a little scarier for me to get sick at this point than Craig. Of course, he was facing down a roadtrip so it wasn't ideal for him to get sick either, but in the end he and Jacob slept in the bathroom all night. They did get some sleep after a second round of puking for Jacob--mostly water after we gave that a try--and I tried to sleep in my bedroom. I didn't actually sleep much. I was worried about Jacob, worried about us getting sick, worried about Craig going on the road, and I was getting kicked by the baby quite a bit as well. I'm not sure I got more than a few hours of sleep.
First thing this morning I called daycare, and apparently a few other kids had called in from his room. I had seen the notice that there had been a stomach bug floating through the room earlier last week, so perhaps this was its incubation period. Ugh. My next call was to work, and then I called my doctor. I had an appointment for 2pm today, but because Craig had to leave for his roadtrip, I wanted to change my appointment to earlier so Jacob was still covered. I got a 10:15am appointment, but that meant I had no shot at getting in even a half day of work. Oh, well. Inevitably there's always one weird week each year like this where I end up missing random days of work due to illness or other weird reasons. Anyway, we took it slow with Jacob this morning, starting with water and eventually moving on to a piece of toast. He kept that down, and I was going to give him more at lunch when I got back from the doctor, but he fell asleep. I took the opportunity to sleep, too, until he woke up, took up half the couch, and then proceeded to sleep longer. He probably slept for nearly four hours.
He was fine the rest of the day, thankfully. Craig and I each had our share of iffy stomach issues--nothing real, just a bit of unsettledness. In fact, tonight at dinner I wasn't really hungry at all, which worried me. I ended up having a couple pieces of toast. I had been drinking water all day, so whether my stomach was off due to lack of general nutrition today or there's still something brewing, I'm not sure. I've been trying to eat a little more tonight to make sure I'm not hungry. We'll see how this goes.
Like I said, I also had a doctor's appointment today. Everything was fine, but as I expected, I have dilated further. I'm at least at 3 cm, possibly more. That is scary, because I think that's where I was last time at my final appointment before my fluid started leaking. Could we have this baby within a week? Possibly. Inspired by that, I worked on getting the baby's room put back together. I hung most of the decorations back up, put the blinds back in the windows, brought back all of the stuff that I threw in a box when I had to clear it out, and finally raised the crib mattress, put the side back on, and put on the bedding. Other than having to organize the clothes and put them away, the room is ready (enough). I still have to figure out the fancy baby monitor we got as a gift (video!), but we can use Jacob's in a pinch. The one thing we're lacking is diapers, but those are easy enough!
On top of all that, we have the added complications of Craig's roadtrip and this crazy winter storm that's coming. Craig was supposed to fly to Philly from Buffalo this afternoon, but opted to skip his flight, drive to Syracuse, and ride with his photographer instead. It gave him more time at home today, and in theory gets him home sooner tomorrow after the oddball school day game tomorrow morning. However...there's supposed to be a crazy winter storm hitting much of the state tomorrow, so I'm concerned about him getting back to Syracuse, then back to Rochester safely. Not that his flight would have been any less of a concern, and he'd be in Buffalo that way, but the whole thing is far from ideal. Once he's back he still has to go to Buffalo on Saturday, but the worst of the snow should be over by then. Beyond Craig's safety I'm worried about myself tomorrow--driving to and from work in the snow, not being able to shovel, managing the stress of the whole thing--assuming I stay healthy and can leave the house. I'm really just hoping my whole office shuts down, but I need to consider how to handle it if that's not the case.
So...anyway....it's been quite a 24 hour span. And it could be quite a crazy 48 hours coming up. Let's just hope this baby stays put, the stomach bug leaves us all alone, and we all stay safe amidst the snow. Lots of prayers tonight...
First thing this morning I called daycare, and apparently a few other kids had called in from his room. I had seen the notice that there had been a stomach bug floating through the room earlier last week, so perhaps this was its incubation period. Ugh. My next call was to work, and then I called my doctor. I had an appointment for 2pm today, but because Craig had to leave for his roadtrip, I wanted to change my appointment to earlier so Jacob was still covered. I got a 10:15am appointment, but that meant I had no shot at getting in even a half day of work. Oh, well. Inevitably there's always one weird week each year like this where I end up missing random days of work due to illness or other weird reasons. Anyway, we took it slow with Jacob this morning, starting with water and eventually moving on to a piece of toast. He kept that down, and I was going to give him more at lunch when I got back from the doctor, but he fell asleep. I took the opportunity to sleep, too, until he woke up, took up half the couch, and then proceeded to sleep longer. He probably slept for nearly four hours.
He was fine the rest of the day, thankfully. Craig and I each had our share of iffy stomach issues--nothing real, just a bit of unsettledness. In fact, tonight at dinner I wasn't really hungry at all, which worried me. I ended up having a couple pieces of toast. I had been drinking water all day, so whether my stomach was off due to lack of general nutrition today or there's still something brewing, I'm not sure. I've been trying to eat a little more tonight to make sure I'm not hungry. We'll see how this goes.
Like I said, I also had a doctor's appointment today. Everything was fine, but as I expected, I have dilated further. I'm at least at 3 cm, possibly more. That is scary, because I think that's where I was last time at my final appointment before my fluid started leaking. Could we have this baby within a week? Possibly. Inspired by that, I worked on getting the baby's room put back together. I hung most of the decorations back up, put the blinds back in the windows, brought back all of the stuff that I threw in a box when I had to clear it out, and finally raised the crib mattress, put the side back on, and put on the bedding. Other than having to organize the clothes and put them away, the room is ready (enough). I still have to figure out the fancy baby monitor we got as a gift (video!), but we can use Jacob's in a pinch. The one thing we're lacking is diapers, but those are easy enough!
On top of all that, we have the added complications of Craig's roadtrip and this crazy winter storm that's coming. Craig was supposed to fly to Philly from Buffalo this afternoon, but opted to skip his flight, drive to Syracuse, and ride with his photographer instead. It gave him more time at home today, and in theory gets him home sooner tomorrow after the oddball school day game tomorrow morning. However...there's supposed to be a crazy winter storm hitting much of the state tomorrow, so I'm concerned about him getting back to Syracuse, then back to Rochester safely. Not that his flight would have been any less of a concern, and he'd be in Buffalo that way, but the whole thing is far from ideal. Once he's back he still has to go to Buffalo on Saturday, but the worst of the snow should be over by then. Beyond Craig's safety I'm worried about myself tomorrow--driving to and from work in the snow, not being able to shovel, managing the stress of the whole thing--assuming I stay healthy and can leave the house. I'm really just hoping my whole office shuts down, but I need to consider how to handle it if that's not the case.
So...anyway....it's been quite a 24 hour span. And it could be quite a crazy 48 hours coming up. Let's just hope this baby stays put, the stomach bug leaves us all alone, and we all stay safe amidst the snow. Lots of prayers tonight...
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
What's Making Me Cranky
I have had some rather cranky, impatient moments lately. When I thought about it a little more in-depth, I realized that a lot of my crankiness can be boiled down to a couple main issues. I'm worried about letting people down. I'm also worried about losing control.
Every fiber of my being is screaming that my body has had enough and this baby can't possibly stay in there for much longer. Something on my body is pretty much always uncomfortable. If I lay down, it's hard to support my belly comfortably. If I'm sitting up, my sciatica acts up or I feel like my belly is in the way. When I get up from any sort of resting position, my body is sore. My muscles feel like they've atrophied, and the underside of my belly is sore. My belly often feels tight--either it's a muscular tightness (Braxton-Hicks?) or the skin feels stretched to the max. My back hurts, either from the sciatica or carting around all this extra weight. Some nights my feet and ankles are swelled up and tight, and even my hands are starting to feel a little tight. I wasn't like this last time, yet I still delivered nearly two weeks early. What does that mean for this time?
Despite all that, I find myself holding out and hoping that I have more time. Obviously the baby's health is first and foremost, and the longer he hangs out in there, the better. But beyond that, I have a ton of other reasons why I need to keep putting up with this complete physical discomfort for as long as humanly possible. I need time to get the baby's stuff ready, and I need time to get things at work ready. None of that should matter in comparison to the baby himself, but it does. And it's all making me a little nuts.
I fear going into labor because it means that I lose control. I don't really have control of anything right now, because at any moment my water could break or contractions could start, and from that moment on, I have no choice but to hold on for the ride. As it is right now, I have little control over my comfort, zero control over Jacob's frustrating behavior, and no control over the fact that Craig has a roadtrip this weekend. I can't control when labor is going to begin, and the mere fact that it can begin at any moment, as evidenced by my experience last time (normal night watching TV with no symptoms to leaking amniotic fluid in about five minutes flat), makes me crazy. I wish I could predict things, but I can't. And that loss of control makes me nuts. Whenever I feel another recurrence of my thinning mucus plug, I panic for a couple minutes while waiting for it to happen again, because there's always a chance that's the first of many. And during those few minutes, I get agitated and worry that it's just the beginning. If something's happening, my sense of control is gone, and I'm about to go through a ridiculously painful experience, like it or not. That's just a little scary, eh?
If I go into labor too early, my fear is that I'm going to let a lot of people down. I have so much to still communicate at work, and I worry about what happens if I run out of time and leave them hanging. I worry that this baby won't come home to a comfortable room and a calm mommy because I didn't have enough time to get things properly prepared. I worry that I'll go into labor at an inconvenient time for Craig's schedule, because he's nearing 200 straight games that he's broadcasted and I'd hate for him to have to break the streak or risk missing his child's birth. And, of course, I worry about what this whole experience is going to do to Jacob, from a few days without his mommy around to a lifetime of having to share his parents with someone else.
The double whammy of losing control and fearing that I'm going to let people down is very stressful. And that stress is making me cranky. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's a hard feeling to fight at this point. There's so much going on, so much at stake, and so much that's coming. It's hard to not get overwhelmed. But I'm just taking things one day at a time. It's all I can do.
Every fiber of my being is screaming that my body has had enough and this baby can't possibly stay in there for much longer. Something on my body is pretty much always uncomfortable. If I lay down, it's hard to support my belly comfortably. If I'm sitting up, my sciatica acts up or I feel like my belly is in the way. When I get up from any sort of resting position, my body is sore. My muscles feel like they've atrophied, and the underside of my belly is sore. My belly often feels tight--either it's a muscular tightness (Braxton-Hicks?) or the skin feels stretched to the max. My back hurts, either from the sciatica or carting around all this extra weight. Some nights my feet and ankles are swelled up and tight, and even my hands are starting to feel a little tight. I wasn't like this last time, yet I still delivered nearly two weeks early. What does that mean for this time?
Despite all that, I find myself holding out and hoping that I have more time. Obviously the baby's health is first and foremost, and the longer he hangs out in there, the better. But beyond that, I have a ton of other reasons why I need to keep putting up with this complete physical discomfort for as long as humanly possible. I need time to get the baby's stuff ready, and I need time to get things at work ready. None of that should matter in comparison to the baby himself, but it does. And it's all making me a little nuts.
I fear going into labor because it means that I lose control. I don't really have control of anything right now, because at any moment my water could break or contractions could start, and from that moment on, I have no choice but to hold on for the ride. As it is right now, I have little control over my comfort, zero control over Jacob's frustrating behavior, and no control over the fact that Craig has a roadtrip this weekend. I can't control when labor is going to begin, and the mere fact that it can begin at any moment, as evidenced by my experience last time (normal night watching TV with no symptoms to leaking amniotic fluid in about five minutes flat), makes me crazy. I wish I could predict things, but I can't. And that loss of control makes me nuts. Whenever I feel another recurrence of my thinning mucus plug, I panic for a couple minutes while waiting for it to happen again, because there's always a chance that's the first of many. And during those few minutes, I get agitated and worry that it's just the beginning. If something's happening, my sense of control is gone, and I'm about to go through a ridiculously painful experience, like it or not. That's just a little scary, eh?
If I go into labor too early, my fear is that I'm going to let a lot of people down. I have so much to still communicate at work, and I worry about what happens if I run out of time and leave them hanging. I worry that this baby won't come home to a comfortable room and a calm mommy because I didn't have enough time to get things properly prepared. I worry that I'll go into labor at an inconvenient time for Craig's schedule, because he's nearing 200 straight games that he's broadcasted and I'd hate for him to have to break the streak or risk missing his child's birth. And, of course, I worry about what this whole experience is going to do to Jacob, from a few days without his mommy around to a lifetime of having to share his parents with someone else.
The double whammy of losing control and fearing that I'm going to let people down is very stressful. And that stress is making me cranky. I know I shouldn't let it, but it's a hard feeling to fight at this point. There's so much going on, so much at stake, and so much that's coming. It's hard to not get overwhelmed. But I'm just taking things one day at a time. It's all I can do.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Paint!
Today was a big day...paint day! I hired a painter to come in and paint the baby's room. Back in our old house, Jacob's room was white...all white. It was plain and simple, but it worked. I felt a little bad that we didn't do anything cool for his room, but neither of us are that handy and there just wasn't much we felt like doing (read: spending money on). But it was a simple, cute room and it got the job done. I liked hanging out in there. As a reminder, here are a couple pictures...
When we moved, the natural "baby's room" was the one painted purple. The bigger bedroom fit two guest beds better, and the purple in the smaller bedroom matched the baby stuff. It made sense to put Jacob in there for now, and move him out once I was pregnant again. I figured we could do a fun room for him then, and if we had a girl, we could leave the room purple. In the meantime, the purple matched the baby stuff and we chalked it up to being a Knighthawks color. Here's how the room looked right after we moved in...
Of course, it took me longer than we'd hoped to get pregnant. For most of that time it never occurred to me to move Jacob into the other room. I didn't really want to get ahead of ourselves or lose our guest room, and I had this terrible fear I'd end up pregnant with twins and we'd need to move the baby stuff in there instead. So, he stayed in a babyish, purple room much longer than anticipated. And once we found out this baby was a boy, we knew we'd finally have to paint it. Today was that day.
The thought of painting over that purple trim made me crazy, particularly while pregnant, so it made sense to hire someone. I got a good recommendation via Facebook, and the guy was great. I'm not going to say it was cheap--between zero-VOC, low odor paint and the labor--but it was worth every penny considering our situation. And now, it's like a whole new room.
I'll post pictures of both the baby's room and Jacob's new room soon, but for now, here's a sneak peek. In this picture there was still purple on the door, but that's now blue, too. The white trim alone made a huge difference!
It looks so nice in there now, and I finished it off with cleaning the carpet tonight. I hadn't done it at all since I got the carpet cleaner, mostly because Jacob slept on the floor and it was too hard to coordinate. But with the room mostly empty, this was my chance. I can't say it's an ideal activity for a nearly eight-month-pregnant woman, but it's done. I can't wait to start moving things back in and start getting things settled!
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| I only included this one because it includes my crafty solution of hanging the original crib bumper on the wall like a border/chair rail. |
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| We took down the border pretty quickly (stick-on, thank goodness), and put the bumper back up to the left of the closet door. I put up the blue curtains back in our old house too, once daylight started waking Jacob up far too early. |
The thought of painting over that purple trim made me crazy, particularly while pregnant, so it made sense to hire someone. I got a good recommendation via Facebook, and the guy was great. I'm not going to say it was cheap--between zero-VOC, low odor paint and the labor--but it was worth every penny considering our situation. And now, it's like a whole new room.
I'll post pictures of both the baby's room and Jacob's new room soon, but for now, here's a sneak peek. In this picture there was still purple on the door, but that's now blue, too. The white trim alone made a huge difference!
Because of the painter I was home all day today. I tried to find a good balance between productivity and relaxation, mostly because my body won't let me do too much without expressing its displeasure, but my brain brain really wanted me to get things done, too. I brought up two laundry baskets worth of clean baby stuff to fold and organize a bit, plus Jacob's weekly laundry. I put the pack-n-play back together in the living room, and brought a couple more things out of the crawl space. I put away most of the winter decor and brought out the handful of Valentine's Day decorations I have. I took lots of breaks and watched mindless TV. I saw a handful of episodes of "A Baby Story" and simultaneously freaked myself out watching labor and got extra excited about meeting this little baby who currently enjoys nudging my arm off my belly when it's resting there.
I finished off the day with Jacob's parent-teacher conference. It was about what I expected--he's extra smart but he doesn't follow directions and can be a little aggressive around his friends. That pretty much sums up how he is at home, too, and reflects what we see on his daily sheets. Even his teachers chalked it up (at least in part) to the fact that he's in a room with mostly boys, and they tend to play differently. Everything's a gun, everything's confrontational, everything's a battle. Other than continuing what we've been doing, I'm not sure what else we can do. I don't think he's too much different than average, but I know it would behoove him to learn to listen and chill out a bit before he heads off to Kindergarten. Incidentally, while we know we will be sending him in the fall, we're still trying to figure out our options--public vs. private vs. possibly a public school of choice. That's a whole other discussion/blog post.
Anyway, it was a productive day despite copious amounts of couch time. Now if I can just be productive this week and make it through Craig's double roadtrip this weekend, I'll be much more ready for this baby to make his appearance. If you can ever be ready for labor, anyway. I had a couple rapid fire spurts tonight (still the mucus plug issue) and freaked out a little that it might be the beginning of something...but obviously that doesn't appear to be case yet, thank goodness. So, as much as every little bit of progress makes me feel that much more ready, reality bears out a little differently. :)
Still, I am so happy to have blue paint on the walls and excited to give this baby a proper nursery. Let's hope he gives me enough time to pull it off!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Pictures and the Countdown to the End...
I finally got myself together enough to take another picture of my belly, so here we are at 35 weeks!
I'm definitely a lot bigger, particularly to the point of running out of material at the bottom of my (maternity) tank top. The last picture was more of a cute belly, and this one is just getting big. It's fine, though, really. I know it's not big compared to what it could be, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of it and it's hard to bend or sit comfortably to eat at a table because it's simply getting in the way. When I was at the doctor's on Thursday, they did say that the baby is down in the pelvis, and I can definitely believe it on the inside, even if it doesn't look like it on the outside.
I also wanted to take some pictures of my bare belly, which I didn't do at all last time. I find this one really amazing, to be honest, because it is so defined on the sides. I figured that doing them in black and white makes them a little less freaky. Maybe less real? I don't know. Here are three different angles...
The definition on the sides conforms to some sort of body parts...butt? shoulders? You can just see the very beginnings of the linea nigra down the center. It's barely visible and I hope it stays that way! No idea when it cropped up last time, but it took forever to go away so I wouldn't mind if it just stayed faint this time. In the first picture you can just see my belly button ring scar above my belly button. It's more scar tissue from it not healing right, but I think it looks a lot better this time than last time. Anyway, they're not exactly artistic shots, but at least I have some like this this time.
The past few days have been interesting in the wake of all the craziness I blogged about Thursday. I'm still feeling like a ticking time bomb, but at least I don't feel like what's happening is a danger to the baby. My body is just having a hard time coping with things--though I don't know if it's the weight, the baby's position, the body preparing itself, or what. I'm just not up for a lot of movement, though. We will be going to the Knighthawks game tonight, though I will have some help and I figure this might be our last chance for a while, so I need to get Jacob his fix while I can. I'm still dealing with the thinning mucus plug issue. It seems to come in waves, to the point that I got a little nervous again last night, but it's been quieter today so I assume things are fine for now. Still, it tells me that things are happening. There's still no telling how soon, but I can just tell that my body is reaching its limits, even if I don't entirely understand why.
I feel a little better mentally after doing a ton of laundry the last couple days. Thursday night I had picked up a tub of OxiClean to soak all of the yellowed baby clothes in. I soaked them overnight and threw the first batch in the washing machine yesterday morning. To my delight, much of the yellow staining came out! Not every piece was perfect, but if nothing else most of the stains faded to the point where the clothes will be salvageable, even if they're just backups or fine for daycare or something to use for layering. I'm not giving up hope even on the ones that weren't perfect. I'll wash them more to see if I can get them to fade a bit more, and hanging them to dry gives me a little more of a chance before heat sets things any more. But most of them are looking really good, thank goodness! The clothes definitely bring back memories, too. Part of me can't believe it's been five years since we got most of them, but another part feels like it's been an eternity since we were dealing with tiny socks and hats and swaddle sacks.
I did another batch of clothes last night into this morning, and now I think I have most of the 0-6 month clothes cleaned. I can start sorting and folding things over the next couple days so they're ready to be stored in the baby's room once the paint is dry, hopefully as soon as Tuesday. I'll get the pack-n-play set up Monday while I'm home with the painter, and maybe pull out the baby seat and swing, wash the new clothes we have (five outfits that cost me a grand total of $15), and strategize about what we might need if we can manage a trip to Babies 'R' Us. We definitely need some diapers, and I'd like some sterilization bags for bottles and breast pump parts. Guessing we should probably buy a couple new bottle nipples, too, since the old ones might not be in very good shape after all this time. Not that I'm thinking he'll be bottle feeding much early on, but we'll need to do some to get him adjusted for daycare and maybe give Jacob and Craig a chance to participate (and maybe let me sleep?).
It's going to be quite the month, no doubt. It's hard not knowing when things are going to happen, but it's also probably better that I don't because the stress leading up to it would probably kill me! At least I'm getting things done and giving the little man a little more time to get fully cooked. We want strong lungs and a little chub before he comes out so he has the best chance of coming home on time with us. I'm definitely feeling the pressure of this final countdown, but it's exciting, too. We can't wait to meet the little guy, but I will gladly be patient in the meantime...
Friday, February 1, 2013
The Others
Pregnancy is a time where it's very easy to focus on yourself. You're hyper-aware of your body, you're making constant doctor's appointments for yourself, and answering lots of questions about how you're feeling. Much of what doesn't have to do directly with you has to do with the little person hanging out inside you--buying things for them, preparing for their arrival, etc. The first time around this isn't such a big deal. You're mostly just concerned with yourself, the baby and your spouse anyway, and that's to be expected. But once you have a child already, it complicates things quite a bit. Not only is that child full of needs themselves, but their mere presence means that your attention is divided further and it means that more people are impacted when you need reach capacity and need to pass off responsibilities.
Last time I was pregnant, I spent my spare time pondering our baby registry, shopping for maternity clothes, and hanging out with Craig at baby classes. This time it's been an exercise in survival. From feeling so horribly early on to the insane discomfort I'm dealing with now, it's made it very difficult to manage Jacob. He's a high energy little boy who asks a lot of questions and needs a lot of direction to keep him on task. There are moments when it's incredibly difficult to deal with him. In fact, right now I can barely do some simple things for him--I can't bathe him, I can't pick him up, and it's hard to even reach to undo his car seat buckle. I pass off a lot of responsibilities to Craig, of course. I know he's tired from long days of work, so sometimes I feel guilty. But I literally can't do some things--or perhaps could put myself into labor trying--so I don't have much of a choice. The worst part may be that I need Craig as a "helper", so that role has probably overtaken "partner" and "husband" more than it should have. I look to him as a necessity to manage Jacob more than anything, and it probably means that we haven't had as much "couple time" as we should have. We're both tired and it's all too easy to veg out in front of the TV at night and miss out on prime, child interruption-free conversation time.
Interestingly, one of the things that I miss most right now is the ability to comfortably snuggle both Craig and Jacob. My belly gets in the way and I can't always sit or lay in a way that's comfortable. Jacob's big boy bed is big enough for both of us, but because of the bed rail and the dozens of stuffed animals (still), it's too hard for me to get in to it to snuggle with him. Even having him sit on my lap or give me a hug is awkward. My snuggle time with Jacob was hard enough to come by before, but now it's extra tough. Even with Craig, most nights by the time I get into bed I'm lucky if I can get comfortable laying alone, let alone with someone else in close proximity. We've had a body pillow between us for months, and some of the physical issues I had earlier in this pregnancy meant that we couldn't keep up the same level of intimacy we did last time. I miss the physical closeness with both of them.
Last time as we awaited Jacob's arrival, we knew that when the moment came, we'd just grab our stuff and go. This time we have to figure out what to do with Jacob. Will there be someone to watch him while we're at the hospital? Who will we be inconveniencing with that desperate phone call? Will Jacob feel slighted when he's dumped off with someone else? Once we're home I wonder how Jacob will adjust. I wonder how Craig and I will ever find time for each other when we have two kids to manage. It will be a difficult balance to make sure that both kids' needs are met, as well as our own, individually and as a couple.
As a whole this pregnancy has been far less reflective and peaceful. Instead of enjoying the experience and carefully planning each detail, it's been about focusing on Jacob's needs and just getting through as best we can. Last time I read books, took classes, and thoughtfully pondered what we might need. This time I'm lucky if I read my weekly pregnancy email. I can't remember much of what we talked about in class, so I'm nervous that parts of labor and delivery that I blocked out will take me by surprise this time. I did a small baby registry based on things I knew we would use or could stand to be replaced. The rest is just going to be filled in with whatever I have stuffed in the crawl space. It's a bit of a "make it work" moment, as opposed to planning every little thing. All that time has been filled with Jacob's needs and battling my own body, so it's been a decidedly different experience this time around.
Despite spending all of this time on Jacob, I still worry about how this experience has been impacting him and how it will affect him in the coming weeks. At the same time, I wonder what kind of things this baby is going to miss out on because he's not going to get the only child treatment that Jacob did. Even though we've done all of this before, it feels like such a different experience and seems to have greater potential to impact other people far more than it did last time. It's intimidating, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time right now. I think that's all I can handle!
Last time I was pregnant, I spent my spare time pondering our baby registry, shopping for maternity clothes, and hanging out with Craig at baby classes. This time it's been an exercise in survival. From feeling so horribly early on to the insane discomfort I'm dealing with now, it's made it very difficult to manage Jacob. He's a high energy little boy who asks a lot of questions and needs a lot of direction to keep him on task. There are moments when it's incredibly difficult to deal with him. In fact, right now I can barely do some simple things for him--I can't bathe him, I can't pick him up, and it's hard to even reach to undo his car seat buckle. I pass off a lot of responsibilities to Craig, of course. I know he's tired from long days of work, so sometimes I feel guilty. But I literally can't do some things--or perhaps could put myself into labor trying--so I don't have much of a choice. The worst part may be that I need Craig as a "helper", so that role has probably overtaken "partner" and "husband" more than it should have. I look to him as a necessity to manage Jacob more than anything, and it probably means that we haven't had as much "couple time" as we should have. We're both tired and it's all too easy to veg out in front of the TV at night and miss out on prime, child interruption-free conversation time.
Interestingly, one of the things that I miss most right now is the ability to comfortably snuggle both Craig and Jacob. My belly gets in the way and I can't always sit or lay in a way that's comfortable. Jacob's big boy bed is big enough for both of us, but because of the bed rail and the dozens of stuffed animals (still), it's too hard for me to get in to it to snuggle with him. Even having him sit on my lap or give me a hug is awkward. My snuggle time with Jacob was hard enough to come by before, but now it's extra tough. Even with Craig, most nights by the time I get into bed I'm lucky if I can get comfortable laying alone, let alone with someone else in close proximity. We've had a body pillow between us for months, and some of the physical issues I had earlier in this pregnancy meant that we couldn't keep up the same level of intimacy we did last time. I miss the physical closeness with both of them.
Last time as we awaited Jacob's arrival, we knew that when the moment came, we'd just grab our stuff and go. This time we have to figure out what to do with Jacob. Will there be someone to watch him while we're at the hospital? Who will we be inconveniencing with that desperate phone call? Will Jacob feel slighted when he's dumped off with someone else? Once we're home I wonder how Jacob will adjust. I wonder how Craig and I will ever find time for each other when we have two kids to manage. It will be a difficult balance to make sure that both kids' needs are met, as well as our own, individually and as a couple.
As a whole this pregnancy has been far less reflective and peaceful. Instead of enjoying the experience and carefully planning each detail, it's been about focusing on Jacob's needs and just getting through as best we can. Last time I read books, took classes, and thoughtfully pondered what we might need. This time I'm lucky if I read my weekly pregnancy email. I can't remember much of what we talked about in class, so I'm nervous that parts of labor and delivery that I blocked out will take me by surprise this time. I did a small baby registry based on things I knew we would use or could stand to be replaced. The rest is just going to be filled in with whatever I have stuffed in the crawl space. It's a bit of a "make it work" moment, as opposed to planning every little thing. All that time has been filled with Jacob's needs and battling my own body, so it's been a decidedly different experience this time around.
Despite spending all of this time on Jacob, I still worry about how this experience has been impacting him and how it will affect him in the coming weeks. At the same time, I wonder what kind of things this baby is going to miss out on because he's not going to get the only child treatment that Jacob did. Even though we've done all of this before, it feels like such a different experience and seems to have greater potential to impact other people far more than it did last time. It's intimidating, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time right now. I think that's all I can handle!
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