Here we go again...

So, what can I say?  It's a BOY!  I knew it, deep down.  And within the first 20 seconds of the ultrasound I thought I caught a glimpse, but it was confirmed about 5-10 minutes in when she froze a shot on the screen and said, "See that?"  Yep. 

He's perfect, though, and that's what's important. He even made us laugh a couple times, with his feet positioned up by his head for a while, and it was cute when he grabbed at his feet with his hands.  He also showed his stubborn side, as many a nudge from the ultrasound tech did nothing to move him into a different position so she could get a better picture of his heart.  She could see that everything was fine, but she explained that seeing everything live and in motion is a little different than when the doctors look at the pictures later on.  So, there's a chance that they'll call me back in for a quick couple shots of the heart, but nothing's wrong--it's just for their peace of mind if the shots she got aren't quite enough.

Ultrasound pics are tough to see sometimes, so even I can't give you a full rundown of what's happening in these, but here's what they gave us:

The head is obvious, but I'm not sure if that's a shoulder and arm or what...

 

Profile...his hand is up by his mouth, I think.

 

You can't see it as clearly here as in the printed version they gave us, but this is a bottom view...and right in the middle are the telltale goods.

Limbs...I'm thinking these are lower legs and feet.

The last picture has a bit of a funny story.  I told the tech that one of my favorite pictures from Jacob's ultrasound was of his little feet, and I showed her with my hands how his feet were positioned.  Well, right about that time she scanned back to the feet and they had moved into almost the same position after not being like that before.  And as an added bonus, his fingers just moved into the shot a little bit, too...

Tiny baby feet!

There was also one angle I saw that I'm pretty sure was a profile view of the butt, and it was the cutest little butt.  Jacob's is still adorable, too, even at this age, so that must be one thing we definitely make right :)

I don't quite know how to describe my mindset at this point.  I didn't cry or anything when we found out.  I can't say I was excited, either, but I was happy and relieved to see he was healthy and perfect.  Still, I found myself momentarily wishing it was a dream or that I could hit the rewind button and time things differently at the time of conception.  But obviously there's nothing that can change this, and 20 weeks from now, I'm sure I wouldn't want to anyway.  He will be loved so much when he gets here, by all three of us, no doubt about that.

At this point, I guess I'm just....sad.  I feel stupid and like a bad parent saying that, but it's true.  I feel like there's a little missing piece somewhere.  All of the girl things I glanced at out of the corner of my eye for the last 4+ years (you know, the cool girl toys or the tiny glittery shoes) were fine to stay on the periphery because I still had a shot at having a girl later.  It was fine I couldn't do that stuff then, because I hoped there would be a time I could.  And now, it'll probably never happen and it'll take some time to learn to live with that.  I don't think I can do this again, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to risk having a third boy.  And as we know, there are no guarantees with this sort of thing, so it would be a risk.  We'd also have to do it relatively quickly, but I just don't think the timing would work.  Add in that we'd need a new vehicle, possibly a bigger house, and a lot more money, and it just doesn't seem feasible. 

I don't know how to explain the fact that I am both happy and thankful for a healthy little boy, but also sad about the little girl we won't have.  Perhaps the best metaphor I can give is this: Imagine that you're a kid and you have complete faith in Santa to bring you this amazing present that you want so badly.  When Christmas Day comes, Santa did bring you an amazing, awesome present, but it's not the one you wanted.  You absolutely love the new present, as much as you would have loved the other one, but at the same time, the present you wanted had some great features that you really hoped to enjoy.  So even though the present you got is awesome in every way and you're grateful to have it, it doesn't entirely change the fact that the one you wanted was uniquely special in its own way and you don't have it.  This is obviously a far bigger thing than a simple Christmas present, but that's the closest situation I've been able to compare it to.  It's just a disappointment despite the fact that it's surrounded by something great. 

It's hard to sort of be in this one alone, since Craig can't really relate to the emotions I'm going through right now.  He got his boy, and he's about to get another one.  I asked him this morning how he'd feel if Jacob had been a girl and we found out today that we were having another girl.  He couldn't really say.  See, it's just not that simple.

Like I said yesterday, I take some comfort in the fact that God's got everything under control and there's a reason He didn't send us a girl.  There's a purpose in giving us a second boy, and I need to accept that and hope it means amazing things for us in the years to come.  I prayed for a girl and the fact it didn't happen means that it really wasn't supposed to.  And while that reality breaks my heart, it doesn't mean that we'll be any less excited when our little guy joins us.  I'm excited to see what he's going to be like, what he looks like, and how Jacob will be with his little brother. 

We have a lot to look forward to and a lot to plan in the next 20 weeks, and I'll delve into all of the great things about having another little boy soon...

Still obsessing...

So, yeah, I'm still quite preoccupied by our impending doctor's appointment tomorrow.  Perhaps I'm a little less OK at the moment with the thought of a boy than I had been telling myself for the past couple months.  I think I was doing pretty good for a while, but the fact that I felt so yucky for an extra month this time got my hopes up that this one was different and could be a girl.  And now I'm coming back to reality and realizing that as of tomorrow, the desire to have a daughter--one I've probably had since I was a little girl playing dolls--may be forcibly shut down.  That's a sobering reality, for sure.

It sounds so shallow, since I know how lucky we are to have any babies at all.  And not only do we have one, but we're going to have two.  That alone is a huge blessing, and as I've said repeatedly, in the end I will be fine no matter what.  And I know to the casual observer, wishing for one gender over another just seems silly.  But, you know, it's not just about buying girl clothes or decorating with pink.  It's about being able to relive my childhood more fully.  Until now I've certainly had opportunities to do that with Jacob.  Every time we go to a pumpkin patch, zoo, or playground, I see a little element of my childhood come back to life.  Looking through toy catalogs reminds me of countless Christmases making my list out of the JC Penney catalog.  The overflowing bags of artwork from daycare bring back memories of the many hours spent cutting, pasting, and coloring at school.  But I know that Craig's experience raising Jacob has been different than mine.  In so many ways, Jacob is his mini-me.  He loves watching Jacob discover sports, practice them and improve.  Undoubtedly it takes him back to when he was a kid and was learning those things himself.  He's downright giddy thinking about Jacob playing little league baseball next summer.  He loves playing Legos and building Jacob awesome creations.  His Playmobil, Star Wars, and GI Joe guys have gotten a second life.  He has an excuse to watch sports, cartoons, and old movies, all for Jacob's benefit.  I've enjoyed my fair share of those sorts of things, too, but I know it would be different with a girl.  I'd get to dig into my Barbie collection and share my beloved Hot Looks dolls.  I'd get to buy her a little kitchen and watch her cradle a baby doll.  Maybe she'd do a dance class or just read up a storm like I did--you think kids still read Beverly Cleary or Judy Blume?  I found the original movie version of "Annie" in the $5 bin at Walmart a while back, and in hopes I'd have a girl to share it with, I bought it.  It was my favorite movie forever when I was a kid, and sure I can watch it by myself, but how much more fun would it be to share it with my daughter?

Ultimately it's not about the "stuff" (though that stuff is fun), but more about the emotions that those items evoke.  It's about reliving the joy you had as a kid, and seeing that joy spread to someone else.  It's not that I can't have that with Jacob or another boy, but it would be extra special with a girl.  It's just hard to know that 12 hours from now, all the dreaming I've done about having a daughter of my own could come to a crashing halt.  Or...12 hours from now that dream could come true.  But either way our lives are going to change...it's just a matter of how far off the current path it's going to go.  I'm ready for a visit to somewhere new and different, but if we end up going on another trip to the same awesome destination where we've already been, that's not such a bad thing either.  But forgive me if it takes getting to that destination to remember why it was so awesome in the first place. 

I don't want to be that mom who loses it in the ultrasound room, but that could be me.  I have a couple hours to collect myself before heading to work.  There have been moments during this pregnancy where I've had feelings it might actually be a girl.  But as a whole I still have this nagging suspicion that I'm meant to be the mom of boys.  I've prayed for the opportunity to have a daughter, but also prayed for peace and acceptance if that isn't the case.  And if it's not, I just have to trust God's infinite wisdom and assume there's a good reason why.  Maybe a room overflowing with Barbies would make me crazier than a living room floor full of Legos.  Perhaps I would inadvertently pass my insecurities along to her, or not give her the guidance she'd need to effectively navigate the mean girls and heartbreaking boys.  Maybe I just don't have the strength to watch her go through the emotional roller coaster that I did when I was younger.  She could grow up rebellious and cause us more heartache than joy.  Maybe God knows enough to spare us that stress and sees that we're better suited to have boys.  Maybe he knows that Jacob needs a brother more than I need a daughter.  Perhaps he's got better things in store down the road, like fantastic daughters-in-law or granddaughters so great they were worth the wait.  There's no way of knowing for sure, so I need to just trust that God knows what he's doing.  Oh, and that includes trusting that if he does give me a girl, that I'm woman enough to raise her well.  But just because I trust God, that doesn't mean that reality won't be without a little sadness or heartache.  Forgive me if this blog becomes the place I visit to sort out those emotions and adjust to the changes life is going to bring us starting tomorrow.  It doesn't mean I love my baby any less....it just means that I need some time to say goodbye to some other dreams I've had for a long time. 

Stay tuned for the news either way tomorrow...and pray that everything else looks perfect, no matter what!

Gender Differences

So...36 hours from right now, we'll know the gender of this baby hanging out in my belly.  Aaaaand....I'm nervous.  It's a big deal.  It's such a life-altering thing.  The ultrasound as a whole is a big deal.  Lost in the gender issue is the fact that this ultrasound checks for so many other things besides what's between the baby's legs.  And those things can be equally life-altering as the gender, and God forbid they find anything amiss.  That would obviously make the gender announcement pale in comparison. 

But to this point everything has been fine.  The fertility treatment worked on the first try.  The initial ultrasound (what little we could see) looked perfect, the heart rate has been healthy, and my size has been fine.  Of course, I had the previously mentioned minor health annoyances, which should have absolutely no impact, but I guess you just never know. 

So, assuming the rest is fine, the gender is the big deal.  Like I said the other day, gender impacts so much of our future.  It's a different job being the mom of two boys, compared to one of each or two girls.  It impacts what covers our living room floor, how we spend our time for years to come, and what specific milestone experiences we'll have.  Will I be the only female in this house for the rest of our years together as a family unit?  Or will a our new addition bring perfect balance to our home?  Will I finally get to shop in the girls' section (and have a ridiculous pick of clearance racks) after all these years of merely looking longingly across the store? Or will I get to reuse and reminisce as I pull out bin after bin of Jacob's hand-me-downs?  Will I have the joy of having a little girl who will pick a bouquet of flowers in my yard, or will I be dodging two boys' misdirected soccer kicks and foul balls?  Will we send two children off to the prom in tuxedos, or will I go through the aforementioned crazy stress my mom and I had, as I try to find a pretty, respectable dress for my own daughter?  Will I have to give up two sons to women of their choosing, or will I have a daughter who could be a lifelong friend and shopping partner? 

I know there's a lot of gray areas in here.  I could have a total tomboy of a daughter who hates my guts by the time she's 15.  God forbid.  But I know it could happen...along with any other of the in between scenarios for the experiences above.  Nothing is perfect, nothing is set in stone...but finding out this baby's gender will lay the groundwork for the expectations of our lives for years to come. 

Last time around I was completely unconcerned about finding out.  I was slightly curious, but ultimately it didn't matter to me.  I said all along that it was this pregnancy that mattered more, and that's definitely the case.  This time it's an overwhelmingly important thought.  I need to know this time.  I think it will help with bonding and it will help us give Jacob an accurate picture of what his life will be like in the months to come.  We have a couple bedrooms to decorate (or, perhaps, one to mostly leave alone), and I'm worried about the name selection process this time so I'm eager to cut the arguments to a single gender. 

I'll admit that a lot of times I default to the easier route in parenting.  I try to avoid it in things like discipline, as I know that the hard way can ultimately have a better payoff, but mostly I prefer things to be easier.  And in this case, having a boy would be easier.  We've done it before, we have a bunch of clothes, and Jacob will have a built-in playmate and best friend forever.  The brotherly bond is a very special one.  Having only a brother myself, I never really got to appreciate the same-gender sibling relationship dynamic.  My brother and I are very different people.  We didn't get along as kids (though the four-year age gap may be part of that--it's a weird one, which I will expound on another day), and as adults we have no issues but don't talk very much either.  We're both married with kids, and we have the same parents and extended family, but that's about where the similarities end.  On the other hand, Craig has a brother and it's obvious that it's a very special bond.  Part of me would love to give Jacob that opportunity, too.  Boys are more exhausting early on, but as they get older there's generally less drama.  There's no temptation for them to dress provocatively (have you walked by the tween clothing section lately?!), and as the saying goes, when you have a boy you have to worry about one guy's...ummm...equipmment, and when you have a girl, you have to worry about hundreds of guys' stuff.  In the long run, boys are easier.

But then I think about the absence I'd feel without a daughter.  My relationship with my mom means the world to me, and I'd love to have a girl to share that with.  As I alluded to earlier, boys have a tendency to "leave" their mom.  They'll always be a special bond, of course, but the expectation is that someday they'll be too cool to be kissed in public, and it would be weird to snuggle past a certain point.  They will fall in love with some girl (hopefully a good one), move out, and start a family of their own.  It'll never really be the same.  But with a girl, there's always a special bond, an opportunity to share stories, the chance to help her learn to be a mother herself.  From my perspective, a relationship with a son will inevitably drift a bit over time, but a relationship with a daughter has the potential to deepen as the years go on.  I know it doesn't necessarily have to end up that way, but I think that's the general tendency.  And as much as I'd love Jacob to have a life-long partner in a brother, I can't help but wonder what I'd be missing out on without a daughter.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But I think having a sister could teach him some lovely skills he might not get otherwise.  It could teach him gentleness, and broaden his horizons.  It could also teach him to be more respectful of everyone else's sisters out there in the dating world someday.  I'd just love to see the softer side of Jacob, where he teaches a sister to have a tea party with her animals, or gently shows her how to kick a soccer ball.  Teaching his brother would be awesome, too, but I think dealing with a girl would force a different side of him that we're not used to seeing.

I don't want to compare one boy to another.  Having a girl would give us a clean(-ish) slate and ensure that we're well-aware this is going to be a whole different ballgame than we've played so far.  I want to see what our genes would produce on the female end, and see how much a daughter would be like a mini-me.  I want someone who will help me dance through life and make me smile simply by randomly floating through the room in a frilly tutu.  There are a million things about girls that scare me, but the biggest fear I have is the absence I'd feel if I didn't get to have one at all.

That said, if we find out on Wednesday that this baby is a boy, it'll probably take me a little while to adjust my expectations and start ramping up to watch my little boy teach his baby brother everything he knows.  I might cry, and I'll be sad.  There will always be a little twinge when I walk by the girls' section of the store, and I'll always wonder how things might have been different.  I'll start praying for awesome daughters-in-law and female grandchildren.  But I will not love my second son any less than my first.  The second he arrives he will no doubt be the joy of my life and I won't be able to truly picture my life any other way.  I will be grateful for a healthy baby boy, and look forward to seeing how he'll look and what he will gravitate to.  I'll savor my solo time when the boys do their thing, and be their biggest cheerleader at each of their sporting events.  I won't have to worry about doing hair or teaching about makeup.  I can stick with the ease of pants and shirts, rather than navigate tights and leggings (and training bras...gah!).  I won't have to make the judgment call to pierce her ears (I don't think I would) or use those funny little headbands on a hairless cueball of a head.  I won't worry about the catty you-know-whats in her middle school classes, or the guys who will inevitably break her heart and make her question her beauty or her entire self-worth.  I'll stick with what I know and that's not such a bad thing.  But a little part of me would really like to know what it's like to parent both genders and explore the full realm of parenting experiences. 

At this point there's nothing we can do about it except wait.  And once we know, we'll start down the paths of the rest of our lives.  It's a big deal and I can only hope I handle it with grace.  I may have more thoughts on this tomorrow as I'm sure in my tiredness I'm forgetting a bunch of points I've been stocking up for a post like this since the day Jacob popped out a boy.  But for now, the curiosity remains and the next couple days will be quite the ride...

Football!

This weekend we had the opportunity to come to Buffalo for some quality family time.  It has been a while since we've seen my extended family, so it was nice to come in for the annual family Oktoberfest.  My cousin, who lives in Reno, was in town for the first time in a while, so it was good to see him, eat some tasty food, and hang out with my family.  The only bad news was that the weather was crappy and Craig had to work a lacrosse game back in Rochester.  No, the Knighthawks season hasn't started yet, but there was an exhibition match between the Iroquois and U.S. National teams, and he was doing the TV broadcast.  

It was good timing because I had to go to the Old Navy at the Galleria Mall because it's the only one in the entire area that has maternity clothes in-store, and I desperately needed to get some new maternity jeans.  The only ones I have--one XS and one small, both bootcut, low-rise jeans--are OK, but one pair squeezes me a little funny in certain places and the other pair is a little too big to wear at the moment.  And now that I can wear jeans to work, I wanted a couple pairs to alternate.  I'm not going to buy many maternity clothes this time around, so I'm OK with getting some jeans that I will wear a lot--even for a while afterward--if they're more comfortable or add something to my wardrobe.  After much debating, I bought two pairs (thank you, well-timed 30% off coupon)--one pair similar to what I have (but seemingly more comfortable), and a pair of skinny jeans.  I can't really believe I bought them, but they look better than I thought they would and if I can figure out enough things to wear with them, I'll keep them.  Something new and different for me, and they'll work well for tucking into boots all winter.  Apparently they make maternity skinny jeans a little roomier than the regular ones, which don't fit my calves, among other body parts.  So, that was interesting.

Anyway...now back to LAST weekend.  Last weekend we had an opportunity to meet my parents in the home of their college alma maters, Alfred, NY.  It's a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere, but it's home to two colleges--Alfred University and SUNY Alfred.  My parents may have come from the same hometown, but college is where they got together, each one going to a different school.  They're right across the street from each other, and the campuses are very pretty nestled among the hills.  

My cousin, Chris, is an athletic trainer for Ithaca College, and Ithaca was playing Alfred University in football.  It seemed like a good opportunity for my parents to revisit their college days, and it was a chance to bring Jacob down there and see a real, live football game.  The weather on the way down was rainy and cold, but once we met my parents for lunch, the weather cleared.  It was still quite cold, but when the sun peeked through the clouds it was pleasant.  The leaves on the way down were stellar, and the view at the game was lovely.  I'm not sure this picture even does it justice...

Alfred captured a surprising blowout win, and Chris even had a couple opportunities to run out on the field and assist with some injuries.  It took some hot chocolate to get Jacob over the cold and get him in a better mood, but the whole game he was eager for it to finish so he'd have a chance to get down to the field.  Here he is with the same smirk I got in a lot of pictures in Atlanta.  Better than nothing, I guess...

And here are Jacob and Craig playing football on the field.  Jacob actually had a great kick, low but straight. Kicker is the only football position I've given him the green light to play, so we'll see if he ever pursues that!

After the game we took a quick drive around the campuses to relive old memories and see what's new.  I love this picture I took of this "castle" on the Alfred University campus.  The building itself is beautiful, but with the leaves and the dark sky, it's even better.

My heart belongs to Geneseo, of course, but Alfred was a lovely little town to visit and it's within my ideal driving radius for college someday, so who knows? :)  It was a fun afternoon with my parents and I'm glad we got to take Jacob to a real football game.  The leaves were an unexpected bonus, though if I wouldn't have been driving I would have had the opportunity to take some pictures to document it all.  But it was a fun day and I'm so glad we made the trip!

Letters to Baby #16 – September 12, 2012

Dear Baby,

Sorry it's been a while since I've written. We've been very busy with the end of summer and beginning of fall. Most notably, we've been busy sharing our big news with everyone! Last Wednesday I made Jacob a “Big Brother” shirt (I couldn't find one to buy!) and he wore it to daycare on Thursday to share the news with his friends and teachers there. Since it was the first week of school for most people, I took a “first day of school” type picture of him to post online and share the news with our friends. Everyone was really excited, of course, and I'm happy to have the news mostly out there. I'm sure there will be people that don't hear the news or miss it online and only figure it out as my belly gets bigger!

Speaking of which, it's getting bigger! It still looks like I've just put on a few pounds, but my clothes are getting tighter and my wardrobe is narrowing! As the weather gets cooler it should be easier to dress myself, as I have some good in between clothes. But when the weather's warm like today and tomorrow, I don't have many bottoms that work well! I have plenty of pants—fat pants, jeans, and later, a bunch of maternity pants—but all of my summer options are either too small or giant maternity size. My summer maternity stuff will be great in Florida in a couple months, though!

I haven't really felt any definite kicks, but at times it seems like you might be in there trying to make your presence known. I'm a little more uncomfortable already than I remember being before, and I'm pretty sure my belly's about a month ahead of what it was last time. I don't mind getting bigger earlier, as long as I don't get hugely bigger than I did overall last time. I'm just not a big person to carry it all around! But I'd like to get into the legit baby belly quicker, if I can. That's way more fun than looking chubby!

I'm feeling better, but still having moments where I don't feel well or feel a little nauseous. I'm tired, but some of my energy seems to be coming back. I hate that I still have a lot of moments where I don't feel good, but overall it's getting better.

I went to the doctor a couple days ago and heard your heartbeat. I even got to record it! It was so good hearing your heart beat strongly, and now that we're past the first trimester, it's really starting to sink in that this is going well and all indications are that you'll be joining us in less than six months! It's hard to believe!

Well, now that the news is out I don't need to keep this “secret” diary on the side, so this will be my last letter for now. Hopefully I can get on a regular schedule of writing you letters live on my blog, maybe once a month or so. If nothing else, maybe I'll wait a few more weeks until we find out if you're a boy or a girl, and then I'll at least know who I'm writing to! But farewell for now, and I'm sure I'll be talking to you soon!

Love,

Mommy

Letters to Baby #15 - August 28, 2012

Dear Baby,

We're past the 12 week mark now! I was really looking forward to getting to this point because I was hoping I'd be feeling better. And to some degree, I am. I'm not constantly feeling nauseous like I was before, but I'm still not feeling great. I have moments where I feel normal, but there are still times where I feel nauseous, or extra tired, or just generally blah. Some food just doesn't seem to agree with me. Workouts take a toll. Some of my energy is back, but I'm still tired enough at night that the house isn't getting cleaned and doing much more than sitting on the computer is asking a lot. I just feel like it''s one little setback after another, which is annoying since last time around I was already feeling much better by now. I don't have a day-by-day account to know for sure, but as I recall, once we went to Florida around 11 weeks, I was fine. Tired, but otherwise OK. Right now I just feel like everything I do has the potential to exhaust me or impact you. Yesterday I was pushing a heavy shopping cart around and I definitely felt the effects. My stomach muscles are always extra sensitive (that was one of the first reasons I thought I might be pregnant), so the littlest thing (a sneeze, turning wrong) can feel like a strain. I'm trying not to pick up Jacob because he's over the weight limit of what I'm supposed to lift.

I'm starting to worry that this pregnancy is going to be different than last time. After the initial phase of nausea and general blahs, I more or less enjoyed being pregnant. It had its difficult moments, but for the most part I was totally cool with it. This time around I'm already feeling a little stuck. I don't feel well, I am too tired to take care of my house, I can't lift up my child to hug him, and I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to be functional for the next six months if I'm already feeling limited now. I have a lot to do between now and then, and I feel like I don't have the energy or motivation to get anything done. I'm already feeling much larger than I was last time (at least based on what I'm seeing from my blog, the stuff I'm going through right now was weeks after this point), which I expected, but I'm worried it's partly because I've been eating more (trying to stave off the nausea). I'm just worried that this is going to get harder faster and I'm not going to enjoy this experience like I'd hoped.

Of course, I'm hoping all of this is worse because you're a girl, and sometimes they say nausea is worse with girls. I can hope. But if not, I'm bracing myself for what kind of boy you might be!

We haven't really told that many more people yet. I have one more person I'd really like to tell before sharing it with the world, but that hasn't happened yet so I still haven't shared much. I also find it very awkward to bring up. So, if it comes up, great...if not, they'll find out eventually. Is it bad that I want to tell people just so I can vent on Facebook and my blog? Keeping all this to myself can be a little challenging at times! We also need to tell Jacob. I'm hoping that we can do that this weekend, and when I go out shopping on Friday (my birthday!) I'm hoping to find a “Big Brother” shirt for him to help us share the news with everyone else when the time comes. Daddy is in Las Vegas this week for work, so I guess a few things would be on hold anyway.

I don't mean to complain. I'm so happy you're in there, but right now it's just a challenge to be going through this and not having as easy of a time as I feel like I had last time. More than likely you'll be here six months from right now, so I know it's just a limited period of time and I should just suck it up and try to relax. I get worried that not feeling well reflects something about your health, but hopefully it's just me and you're swimming along perfectly. You're a the size of a lime this week, by the way.

Time for me to go to bed, even though coverage of Hurricane Isaac is riveting. Stay strong in there and give me a few kicks if you can. I'm waiting!

Love,

Mommy

Symptoms? What symptoms?

My last pregnancy was pretty uneventful.  Beyond the usual first trimester blahs, the only blip on the radar was probably that I had to start taking iron in the third trimester.  Beyond that I dealt with leg cramps and round ligament pain, but that was about it.  This pregnancy, however, I should just refer to as the pregnancy of random, symptom-less illnesses. 

I believe it was at my first prenatal checkup that they found (TMI warning) the presence of some yeast. Yep, I had my first ever yeast infection.  Treatment options while pregnant are a bit different than normal, so instead of getting to take an oral medicine or one of the quick three-day cream treatments, I had to go the full week of treatment.  As far as I know it cleared it up, but it's hard to know because I never really had any symptoms in the first place.  The doctors aren't concerned about it at this point if there are no symptoms, so I guess that's that.

Yesterday I got home and had a message waiting for me on our home voicemail.  It was the nurse at my doctor's office, asking me to call them back.  This annoyed me for a number of reasons--first, they have my other numbers.  Why not use them?  Second, pretty much the only think they check at monthly appointments that has a delayed check is urine.  And most of the things they check urine for can be pretty serious.  Third, you're dealing with a pregnant woman, and pregnant women are generally a little more emotional/irrational, so it's not cool to leave a message that can't be returned until the next day.  Getting back to the urine check, there are a handful of things they check for.  They check for sugar, which could indicate gestational diabetes.  They check for ketones, which could indicate you're not getting enough nourishment.  They check for protein, which could indicate either a urinary tract infection or, later on, preeclampsia.  They also look for bacteria and blood, which could also be indicators of infection.  None of those is particularly ideal.

So, this morning, I called first thing.  I got a call back a little while later, and lo and behold, I have a urinary tract infection.  Again, I had no noticeable symptoms, so this was a surprise.  I did notice cloudy urine from time to time, but nothing consistent.  I don't have a sense of smell (as I've mentioned before), so I can't tell if there has been an odor, but there hasn't been any pain or anything that I'm used to hearing about.  Turns out it's not uncommon, though.  Of course, today I was sitting at my desk and starting having little bursts of discomfort in my lower back, around my kidneys.  I don't know if I've had those exact pains before, though I have had a couple moments where it felt like maybe the baby was in a weird spot, so it could be that it was actually just pain from the UTI.  After those little bursts I was definitely eager to get started on the drugs (pregnancy-safe antibiotics) and get this thing taken care of.  The risk of kidney infections is greater while pregnant, so I'd rather make sure to avoid that! 

I was relieved that it wasn't something worse, but it got me extra nervous about how I would react if I did, for example, get gestational diabetes.  So much of my diet is carbs and fruit, so I can't imagine what I'd do if I had to cut that stuff out!  Nothing is ever guaranteed in pregnancy, from start to finish.  I've known a couple of women that ended up with gestational diabetes, and I've read plenty of blogs over the last five years about the myriad of problems that can pop up during pregnancy, and while I'm smart enough to know I shouldn't assume they'll happen to me, I also know I can't assume they won't.  Just because my last pregnancy went perfectly doesn't mean that this one will.  I felt worse for longer this time around, and some of my discomfort (like round ligament pain) started early.  I'm a little bigger this time around, I think, and I seem to be having a little more difficulty with working out sooner than I did last time.  Today I did something for the first time in a while and while it was never easy back when I did it often, it was extra hard today.  It was a sobering reminder of how quickly my fitness has fallen off, and how hard the comeback will be next spring.  I'm done working my abs, but keeping my core strength up is going to be hard.  And the weaker some parts get, the easier it is for the rest of me to get weak.  I worked out until I was 7-1/2 months along last time.  I'm just about four months now, still a little less than five to go, and I'm having a hard time believing I'll be able to go more than three more months at this rate...but I'm sure going to try!

Anyway, I will gladly take my antibiotic and get rid of this infection, even if I didn't know it was there to begin with.  I can't help but wonder if it's had any ill effects to this point, things I would have otherwise just chalked up to pregnancy.  We shall see.  But hopefully I can get back to healthy (and hopefully avoid the cold I seem to be fighting), and get ready for a fun weekend with my extended family. I still have to catch you up on last weekend, speaking of which.  Soon, I promise!