Photo Friday

To lighten the mood a bit after my post yesterday, I figured I'd share a few random pictures from the last week. 

Here's Jacob at the birthday party we went to on Sunday...

Superstar in the making?  Or the next Elton John?

While the other kids were doing bubbles, Jacob was insisting on playing football in the house.  While the other kids were playing games, Jacob finally discovered the bubbles.  Here he is with one of those huge bubble wands.  I love seeing genuine joy on his face instead of his oh-so-frustrating cheese face...

He insisted on layering his Oregon State jersey (Christmas gift from the Portland contingent!) over his Bills track suit.  It was way too warm for that, but whatever...

Last night when I went in to check on Jacob, this is what I found:

Out cold!

He always has quite a menagerie in there with him, and I try to build them up along the sides so he still has sleeping room and won't fall out.  But apparently last night he piled them up at one end and decided they made a good pillow.  I took this picture in the dark and I don't think he even flinched.

This morning he got up and changed out of one pair of pajamas into another pair of pajamas...because today was pajama day at daycare.  He'd been begging to wear his new Batman jammies all week (got them on the trip to Delaware), but I kept telling him that I knew he'd be begging to wear them Friday, so he couldn't wear them ahead--too much risk of peeing on them in the middle of the night (yes, even with a diaper).  Finally, Friday morning arrived and on they went:

Have I mentioned that Jacob wants to be referred to as Batman now?  Yep, he's going through that phase.  He's really into the Imaginext Batman toys at daycare, and he got to watch some old Batman movies on that Delaware trip.  Craig is doing his part to encourage the interest, as well.  Not sure how I feel about that, but so far it's manageable.  He's been saying funny things lately as Batman....you know, like stuff about going to the Batcave and riding in the Batcopter and stuff.  Silly boy.

In other news, Jacob's cut on his face is healing nicely.  We have an appointment with his dermatologist Monday (general follow-up from his mole removal) and I'm going to ask if we should use any sort of scar cream (Mederma) to help it along even more.  It may heal fine on its own, but I'm not sure if I want to take that chance.  I also need to ask her thoughts on tiny freckle-ish moles that he's developed in the past six months or so.  They're not nearly as menacing as the one he had removed, so I'm pretty sure they're harmless and natural (I have a ton), but if she has any indication that they might grow and/or become an issue, I'm wondering if they're still small enough to remove quickly and generally painlessly in her office (though a squirmy child could again be an issue) before they get to be big enough to leave a major scar or cause further trouble.  I worry more about the ones on his face, mostly because I've always been self-conscious of the one between my mouth and nose and would like to spare Jacob any potential angst.  We shall see.

Potty training has been a bit of a hit-or-miss proposition, and I'm not referring to his ability to stand and pee (though that is coming along a bit--though not at our house yet).  Some days he's perfect, some days he dribbles, and some days (like yesterday) he has a pretty hardcore accident that not even his plastic pants can contain.  I know you're not supposed to freak out when stuff like that happens, but I did.  It's hard not to when your fully capable child puts off going, then stands at the top of your carpeted stairs and pees, rather than using that valuable time to at least make a run for the potty.  The carpet didn't suffer much damage this time, but still, it's frustrating.  And yet...this morning one of Jacob's buddies (who finally joined him in the three-year-old room this week) and his mom walked in with a big box of diapers and I came to the realization that we're not doing too badly if I only have to send in a handful of pull-ups (one per day for use at naptime) and I'm only buying diapers once in a great while.  We use one at bedtime, one at naptime on weekends, and maybe a couple more in the event that we need to go somewhere involving no bathrooms or lengthy travel.  Not bad.  But still, it would be nice to be done.

Other than that, not much to report.  Jacob is going to his first lacrosse camp (with Craig) on Sunday, so that should be interesting.  Craig came home with Jacob's first real equipment--gloves, helmet, real(ish) stick--and I'm trying not to ask what it cost.  That stuff is going to be the least of our worries for the next 15-18 years.  It's not like he's going to get sick of lacrosse since he's already been into it for so long, but I just have to brace myself for the beginning of the onslaught of sports.  It's coming.  Tee ball registration is in a few weeks, after all.  Ugh.

Off to bed now...the weekend awaits...

Then and Now

It's been a while since I last covered this topic in depth, but in case you were wondering, Project Baby #2 is still a go...but it's still pretty much stuck in the mud.  Again.  I'm coming to understand that my body apparently doesn't like being off birth control, but as much as things are the same as last time, some things are just a bit different...

Then: I ended birth control with little regard for how long it might take to get on track.
Now: I ended birth control with what I carefully calculated to be plenty of time to get back on track...and yet, here I am facing a bit of a time crunch.  Originally I wanted to aim for an earlier due date than last time, but now, even if we get pregnant on the first "real" attempt (assuming things ever get straightened out--see below), we'll probably be on about the same schedule. 
Both times: Apparently God's timing wins out over everything else.

Then: I waited five weeks for my first cycle after getting off birth control, then never got another period before getting pregnant out of the blue.
Now: I waited over six weeks for my first cycle...and seven weeks after that I'm still waiting for my second.  I've tried ovulation predictors here and there, but if I were to try to do them every day in the supposed middle of my cycle, I might go broke just buying those.
Both Times: I'm getting really sick of waiting for it to show up, if only just for practicality purposes of planning my wardrobe around appropriate underwear/preventative measures.

Then: I obsessed over the whole process constantly.  It ran through my mind all the time and constantly made me just a little crazier.  I have a feeling that stress might have been contributing to our problems.  Eventually the process went on for so long that I couldn't think about it all the time, and once I eased up, it just happened...coincidence or not.
Now: It runs through my head mostly when I go to the bathroom and see, yet again, that nothing's happening.  I'm not really stressing out this time, but it is getting a little annoying.
Both Times: The waiting game is a tough one.  It's extra hard not knowing what's happening when, and trying to decide when it makes sense to do an ovulation test or even a pregnancy test, just to get some idea of what might be happening. 

Then: I had no idea what the problem was.  Was my cycle messed up?  Was I infertile?  Did I have another health problem?  Were we just not trying at the right times?  At the same time, any diversion from my body's usual behavior was a surefire sign of pregnancy...which then turned into a surefire health issue once a pregnancy test came back negative.  When I finally did get pregnant and didn't know it, I was so tired.  I had pretty much given up hope of getting pregnant and was so confused when the ovulation-stimulating drug I took didn't seem to work.  I was ready to call my regular doctor to see why I was so tired, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to rule it out beforehand.  Sure enough, positive. 
Now: I've had a couple pieces of circumstantial evidence, but for the most part I've kept a much more level head this time around.  I'm more likely to blame it on a more realistic reason.  If I do blame anything on a potential pregnancy, I'm well aware that it's probably more wishful thinking than anything.
Both Times: Random body oddities still sometimes get me wondering.  If I'm extra tired, feel a little crampy twinge, or notice something really off, I can't help but wonder if it's pregnancy hormones.  Lately I've been losing hair like crazy, which I've mostly decided is post-birth control hormone regulation, much like women lose hair a couple months after birth due to hormones.  Regardless, both times it's been just one big question mark.

Long story short, I find it interesting that we're going through this same waiting game again.  It's easier this time, I think, since I know it had happy ending last time.  We have Jacob, and if that's all we're meant to have, that's not the worst thing in the world.  It would be sad, but not the end of the world. 

But it's frustrating and I find myself wondering at what point I call the doctor.  They'll probably want blood work, and if all is normal, they'll probably order up the same stuff I had last time--the drug meant to induce ovulation that I ended up not even needing.  Part of me feels like that's cheating, but on the other side of the coin, I hate having to wonder for weeks on end when my period is coming.  That alone is annoying, let alone the whole pregnancy aspect.  I keep telling myself that it will happen when the time is right, so I'm trying to remain level-headed about the whole thing.  What's the fun of going through this process if it isn't a bit of a journey?  I hope it's a nice pleasant journey, not too long and with a lovely destination...but a bit of an adventure nonetheless.

Good Day

As I mentioned in my last post, Jacob and I had a good day on Saturday.  Most of the day was pretty low key, but there was still a distinct lack of yelling and threatening.  I'm sure it happened, but it wasn't how we spent the vast majority of our time, so that was noticeably nicer.  Craig had a bachelor party to go to--fairly tame, and only from 4pm to 7pm--and since we've been trying to get to the zoo and Jacob really wanted to go, he and I headed out there even though we only had a little more than an hour to spend there.  Thankfully it's a small zoo :)

As always, we had fun.  Some days certain animals are more active, some days others are.  Saturday happened to be the day that one of the polar bears was highly entertaining.  Yes, maybe he was just hanging around with a big plastic barrel, but he was so close and so cool to watch with his BIG paws...

The sea lions were also swimming furiously, which was fun to watch, and we got a rare glimpse of an otter, one of our favorites.  Jacob also got to check out the new fossil dig feature, which I think is just a small example of something that's going into the new lion exhibit that's under construction.  He had fun "digging" through the gravel.

Since the zoo was pretty much deserted by the end (we got there 15 minutes before the gates closed, leaving us just over an hour to walk around), I let Jacob crawl into the tunnel to the special viewing area of the cougar.  I figured that if he refused to come out, I could crawl in there with little embarrassment risk to retrieve him.

The tunnels go to this observation area right in the middle of the cougar exhibit.  It's pretty cool, but the tunnels aren't particularly parent-friendly.

Another thing he got to do that we normally don't do is play on the playground.  I'm not sure why we don't--maybe because we always get there late and are rushing through the animals, or maybe it's because the play areas are usually so busy, or because he's hated playgrounds up until now--but considering his new-found enjoyment of slides and the fact that they were empty when we came back through with a few minutes to spare, I let him play.  He went down the slide a couple times and crawled through this tunnel...

On the way out we walked past the rhinos and I happened to notice something funny:

Hint: Check out the rhino's butt

There was what looks like a tranquilizer dart in the rhino's butt!  I understand that they probably need to do that sometimes to do testing or whatever, but holy cow, can't they wait the extra five minutes until everyone is out of the zoo?!  It was just a little weird seeing that.  Maybe it was just me, but the rhino already looked a little drugged when I saw his face.  Oh, and right after that as we were looking at the meerkats as we passed back through the monkey house, there was a kid (an astute 8 or 9 year old) who mentioned he noticed it too!  Eeesh.

After the zoo, we headed out for a quick dinner and a little shopping.  Jacob ate his food very well, which is a rarity when we go out.  I even introduced him to one of the joys of fast food--Taco Bell Cinnamon Twists.  He also did pretty well when we were shopping, despite the fact that I was unable to find a stroller cart at Kohl's.  He did have a freak-out when we were in the changing room trying on pants because he really wanted one pair of pants that I initially only saw in a size bigger.  We didn't get those so he was freaking out, and he was generally uncooperative while trying on other types of pants because he only wanted that pair.  In the end I did find the ones he wanted in his size and all was right with the world.

As a whole, he was a really good boy all day.  Did he have moments?  Of course he did...he's three.  But they didn't take over our whole day or outshine the fun we had.  I don't know how much of that is a result of a well-rested mommy or the choice of activities or any other perspective-changers, but as a whole the entire day seemed like so much less of a battle than usual.  And man, was that ever nice.  A day like that allows you to fall back in love with your child and enjoy them so much more over the long term.  No, you never stop loving your child, but there's a point where the difficulties start to outweigh the joy.  Everything they do seems inherently adversarial, and it's tough to appreciate even the good moments.  They find ways to ruin even the most foolproof fun activity and leave you wondering why you even try.
Still, as a whole it was a pretty successful weekend.  Back to the grind, unfortunately...

News & Notes

There's probably a bunch of stuff I've neglected to mention while I've been talking about my solo weekend, September 11th, and the change of seasons...so here goes...

- Jacob had his (belated) two-year well visit back in late August, and he clocked in at 33.4 pounds and 38-1/2 inches tall.  He's right around the 50th percentile on both counts.  His weight has ticked up steadily but he's still pretty skinny.  But wow, has he gotten taller.  I tried on the last handful of pants from what he was wearing last spring, and holy cow were they short.  Like, an inch above his ankle.  And that's without the extra bulk of a diaper.  Between hand-me-downs, sale purchases a while back, and a few purchases today, I think we'll be ok on pants as long as I can match shirts to the potty-friendly windpants and sweatpants.  Jeans are usually my default because they look cool with anything.  We'll see.

- Potty training is still so-so.  We're not even close on nighttime, and even naps are a stretch, but during the day we're doing okay.  Not great, but okay.  Most of the time he comes home dry, but once in a while we'll have a bag of wet undies.  It's rare to have a hardcore accident, but wet spots on the front of his undies are pretty common.  He catches himself, but sometimes not soon enough.  Fortunately we're still utilizing the plastic pants, so the wet spot doesn't mean the pants are done...but at least he feels the wetness.  We try to keep him going potty when we can, and if we do, he's fine.  It's when he gets caught up in playing that it doesn't go well.  Oh, and we have the challenge of ill-timed pottying--dinnertime, after bedtime, etc.  One of these days...

-  Last Saturday we went mini-golfing at our local course for the second time this summer.  We had a lot of fun, and once again Jacob had a couple holes in one and beat us on a couple holes.  He had one hole in one that I sort of missed (I'm obsessed with taking pictures of cool flowers, what can I say?), but it was apparently an amazing shot...over one obstacle, banked off the back of the metal boundary, and into a hole on a slope.  Awesome.  He did well, and we even had a couple that got us $5 worth of tokens in the arcade, so that was fun, too.  It got a little dark to take great pictures, but I like this one...

As you can see, we have extra obstacles to deal with!

- Friday morning we went to Jacob's first dentist appointment.  I tried to psyche him up for it by explaining that he had to open his mouth wide and sit in a cool chair.  When we got there he wasn't too sure about the chair.  He quietly refused to get into it, so I had to get into it and let him sit on me.  Unfortunately, that meant I couldn't take a picture of him.  Boo.  After that, he did great.  He talked to the dentist, opened wide, and laid still.  He did great through the whole thing, even the tooth polishing, which I thought might have freaked him out...not just because of the noise the tool makes, but also because they use the water squirter and saliva sucker to rinse, instead of having him rinse and spit.  He did great....until they whipped out his new toothbrush to brush on the fluoride (in the form of foam).  He absolutely refused to sit still or open his mouth, and ended up screaming bloody murder for about 20 seconds.  Ugh.  He had a hard time picking out a prize (we ended up with a superball--shocker) and wouldn't stand still for a post-visit picture with his goodie bag.  This was the best I got:

He wouldn't stand in front of the dentist sign. 

He got a clean bill of health, though, and the freebie toothbrushes are much better nowadays than they were in my day.  His has a clear handle with fish in it!

- We're still having a hard time with Jacob's defiance.  He is constantly distracted, constantly saying "no", constantly doing whatever it is that he shouldn't.  He's still not getting that when you finish going to the bathroom, the next steps should always be to pull up your pants and wash your hands.  Nor does he put his pants on the right way...ever.  Backwards every time, no matter how many hundreds of times we go over it.  However...amidst all of the defiance, I know there's a good kid in there somewhere...as evidenced by a day like today, which I'll blog more about soon.  I know he's not going to be a perfect angel, but days like today totally confirm that there's a difference between normal frustrating behavior and infuriating behavior.  And luckily we got the normal stuff today, totally manageable enough to let the fun shine through.  And a lot of times there just isn't enough fun because his behavior makes it impossible.  But today was good.  Even the non-fun stuff was good, and it reminds me that it is possible to enjoy spending time with my child.  No, I shouldn't need a reminder, but sometimes I do.  It's that hard some days.  I always love him, but it's hard to willingly put yourself in the position to be yelling constantly.  Still, good to know it can be good.  It gives me hope.

Have a nice weekend, everyone...

The Downfall of Fall

Well, despite every effort to prevent it, it appears fall is once again on its way.  It's not that I don't like fall--on the contrary, I do--but it's more the disappearance of summer and the coming appearance of winter that I don't like.  So, basically, fall suffers because I like summer and dislike winter.  But fall itself is kind of fun.  I like fall decorations and the gorgeous colors of the leaves.  I like doing the pumpkin patch thing and eating pumpkin baked goods.  I love apples and apple cider, and Halloween and Thanksgiving are pretty great, too.  And weather like we've had the past week has been amazing...blue sky and sun, comfortable, non-humid air...love it.  Jeans-and-flip-flops weather is one of my favorites.  And I must admit, Jacob looks pretty darn cute in his new pairs of jeans.

But today's 50 degree temps were a bit of a rude awakening.  And while this current round of cool weather isn't supposed to stick around, it was a bit of a bummer nonetheless.  I had to pull out a longer sleeved shirt and wear shoes that aren't sandals (though no socks still...whew).  We actually had to wear jackets this morning.  To be honest, the weather didn't feel as bad as I expected considering we had 80 degree temps a couple days ago, but still...I like the unencumbered nature of summer, with no jackets, minimal layering, and full access to my pretty painted toenails.  I like knowing every morning that I can dress Jacob in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and not have to worry about the weather.  I dread the day we actually have to worry about boots and hats and mittens again. 

The change in seasons means that I have to start transitioning over two closets--mine and Jacob's--and try on all of Jacob's old winter clothes to see what fits (and be sad when I see how much he's grown...and outgrown).  I also have to find a decent way to store all of his summer clothes, because I tend to not officially pack things away unless I know they won't fit him in another year.  Most of them get shelved in his closet until next spring when we have to do the process all over again.  One of my favorite things about summer is that Jacob can generally wear his clothes a little longer.  Yes, eventually his belly starts peeking out the bottom and the shorts get a little shorter, but it takes considerably longer to notice than it does with long sleeves and long pants.  And with a kid who apparently has long arms and long legs (or maybe just fast-growing legs), it's nice to have a little buffer before we have to overhaul his wardrobe.  His waist is tiny, so while shorts can last for years, some pants get too short before the waist really ever fits him.  Thank goodness for adjustable waistbands!

One of the things that's been bugging me most lately is the early sunset.  It usually bums me out quite a bit (at least until I'm at work viewing fabulous sunsets from the 16th floor), but this year it's extra annoying.  For one, Jacob hardly gets to play outside anymore.  If Craig's busy after work, Jacob and I usually rush home and right into dinner, and by the time dinner's over it's already dark.  It's hard to break the news to him that it's too dark to go out after dinner anymore, and even worse to think that his baseball playing will soon be on hold for months once the weather gets too cold.  And personally, I'm not looking forward to amusing a little boy who will certainly have cabin fever by November.  I hate not having evenings to get a little extra yard work done, and inevitably once the darkness sets in, I tend to go into hibernation mode.  When it's light in the evenings I'm eager to go out and be active--be it a bike ride or a trip to the gym, playing outside with Jacob or even going to the grocery store.  But when the darkness sets in so early, I have a hard time getting motivated...and right now, that's the last thing I need. 

There's a certain cozy comfort that comes with fall, but I'm a little sad to wave goodbye to summer because I feel like there was still so much more we should have done.  I know I will get over it and find other ways to spend our time, but even though September (and even October) can be lovely months, there's still a bit of resentment at what we're giving up.  I just need to remember the fun we always have in fall, maybe browse our old pictures and plan some activities, and hopefully I'll settle in for another ride through the cold weather and the holiday season.  And with a little luck, hopefully we'll eventually have something to get truly excited about this winter...if (once again) my body ever figures out what the heck it's doing.  Here we go again...

The joys of a clear mind and a clear schedule

I did a lot of shopping while the boys were gone, and pretty much all of it was for me.  I looked at stuff for Jacob, but I'm not gonna lie, the vast majority of my time was spent bouncing from clearance rack to clearance rack looking for things for me.  My closet may look full, but it's getting to the point where a lot of what's in there doesn't fit quite right.  My post-pregnancy belly never went away entirely and all the bulk I lost while breastfeeding came back...and then some.  Despite a fairly consistent twice-a-week workout schedule that has, at various times, included a lot of running, some of my clothes are a little snug around the belly area.  Nothing a good pair of Spanx wouldn't fix (hence why they haven't been donated yet), but it's somewhat limiting.  In addition, I have a handful of older items that were purchased before the longer-shirt trend that we have going on now, and between general shrinkage and changing styles, a lot of those shirts are just too short for what I think looks good on me now.  I really need to do a major cleanout, but in the meantime I'm managing. 

I did find a handful of items during that weekend--a dress, a couple skirts, a shirt, a shrug (short sweater to wear with a dress I've had), and a bathing suit (!)--all on clearance, and they've been a nice addition to my wardrobe.  I'm trying to buy things with the mindset that I'm probably only going to get bigger, thanks to both a future pregnancy (no, nothing yet) and the inevitable decrease in metabolism that comes with age.  I'm not expecting to balloon, mind you, but despite my workouts I still see a gradual creep, if not on the scale then definitely in how things fit.  It's not ideal but I'm trying to come to terms with that and enjoy the body I have right now.  I have a feeling that once I do clear out the other stuff, it will improve my mental state considerably because I won't have so much guilt about not wearing things or frustration that things don't fit me anymore.  Maybe it'll make my mornings a happier place to be.

Another thing I did while the boys were gone was reorganize my jewelry.  I don't have much, and most of it isn't that special.  I have my wedding ring, of course, and a set of pearls that was Craig's wedding gift to me.  Most of the rest is your typical department store variety or worse.  I have a jewely box with a few drawers, one with old rings I never wear, and two others mostly filled with old watches, really cheap jewelry, or broken stuff.  Another drawer holds some of my fancier jewelry, like the jewelry I wore for my wedding, high school winter dance, and my friend's wedding.  But all my earrings were in a separate little silver box, and all my necklaces were tangled up on the rotating hooks inside the jewelry box.  Every morning I had to fish out earrings and untangle necklaces, and while it didn't usually take much time, it was annoying.  So, in another effort to improve my mornings, I made a mental note to ponder other ways to store my jewelry.

When my grandmother recently passed away, I spent some time going through all her jewelry and picking out a handful of pieces that I liked.  I don't think any of it is quite jewelry store quality, but they're nice pieces and they fit my style well.  I like having jewelry that reminds me of her better days, when she was always wearing a pretty necklace and pair of earrings.  However, adding those pieces clogged up my jewelry storage even more.  I pondered taking a cue from my grandma's organizational bag of tricks and use ice cube trays.  She had a few stacks of them in addition to her jewelry boxes, and it made sense.  They stack, everything's easy to see, and they're cheap.  I hadn't gotten around to looking for my unused ones (we have an automatic ice dispenser now), and I didn't really feel like going to the dollar store and buying new ones if I already had others around. 

In the meantime, I had this glorious weekend of alone time.  It allowed me to focus better while shopping, since I wasn't dragging Jacob along and I wasn't worrying about getting home quickly to relieve Craig from hour after hour of Jacob's sporting endeavors on the front lawn.  I could browse carefully, think about the clothes I was trying on, search high and low for my Mom bag, and ponder a little more clearly if the item I was looking at might be of good use.  It was really nice. 

On the same shopping trip to Target in which I bought my Mom bag, I wandered through the dollar section.  I found a couple short but sweet Berenstain Bears books for Jacob (one about amusement parks, one about cleaning up toys--both with an ulterior motive!) and then I came across some really cute but unorthodox ice cube trays.  The holes were round, about an inch in diameter.  The trays were clear plastic with either red or black accents on the handles and in the bottom of the holes.  There were 21 holes per tray.  On the spot it hit me that it would be perfect for jewelry.  I snapped one up and figured that for a buck I'd either make it work or find another use for it.

I took it home and separated all of my earrings into individual holes.  I left out my simple stud-type earrings, but found a perfect space for the rest.  Awesome!  Of course, the next time I went to grab a necklace I realized my necklaces were probably more of a problem...but I liked the earring storage too much to switch them out.  So...I counted my necklaces and made one more trip to Target, where I was lucky enough to snag the last two they had!  I figured my necklaces would fit in one and I'd get another for future overflow.

Here's the finished product:

Earrings in the red one on the top of the dresser, and necklaces in the black one still in the drawer

They stack nicely in my drawer, and it works perfectly each morning.  Even better, the bottoms of the cube holes are soft and rubbery, so they won't scratch my wood dresser. My other earrings are back in the silver box, and are now easier to sort through, and any necklaces that didn't fit in those tight spaces now fit nicely in the hanging section of the jewelry box.  It all may be a small, insignificant reorganization project, but it makes me happy every time I pull out or put away my jewelry. 

It's a simple thing and it's not like I couldn't have done it when Jacob was around, but having a clear mind and a lot of time on my hands made it so much easier to manage.  I was able to think about things and even figured out some personality quirks during that time, and it was pleasant to have the time and brainpower to think things through.  It's a luxury when you're a mom, and I'm happy I had the chance, even for something as simple as utilizing ice cube trays for storage. :)

Telling the Tale

I blogged about this a couple years ago, but with the 10th anniversary of September 11th, I guess it's a good time to revisit the topic.  It boggles my mind that it was 10 years ago that I watched the towers crumble from the Amerks' locker room and sat at my desk following the crash in Shanksville, PA, convinced that it might never end.  No, there weren't any more plane crashes that day, but the more I watch the anniversary footage, the more I see that it doesn't really end.  For the people who lost loved ones and friends, for the people who saw things beyond their wildest imagination, for those who suffer health effects from digging through the rubble...their pain may never end.  When I think about how many people died in the wars our country has participated in, it strikes me how many stories never got written, how many children were never born, how many young people never got to experience adulthood.  The victims of September 11th are much the same--smaller in number, but so many lives snuffed out in their prime.  Kids who never got to meet their parents, couples that never got to have children, parents who lost sons and daughters, people that never got to grow old together. 

We've been watching memorial footage most of the day (other than the Bills' opener--one bright spot in an otherwise rough day of viewing), and watching some of the documentary-style footage it still makes my heart beat fast and reminds me all too well of the chaos and absolute horror of that day.  You can't take your eyes off it.  And yes, we could just shut the TV off, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened and all the people listed above can't escape that it happened.  Still, I can't decide if watching it is cathartic or further torture.  If nothing else, I guess it's just how we spend this anniversary each year...though today being a weekend made it that much easier to get a much larger dose than usual. 

Jacob was in the room for some of the footage--both of the memorial services and some of the documentaries.  He asked a lot of questions and we tried to answer them as simply as possible.  You know, references to "bad people", "buildings fell down", etc.  Maybe we shouldn't have allowed it, but let's face it...he'll have to find out about this at some point, and I'd almost rather do it bits at a time, almost make it something that he's used to, rather than have him find out about a significant portion of it at an age where he can truly understand it and have nightmares or whatever.  If it's always part of his existence, maybe by the time he understands the full significance he'll be old enough to handle it.  Wishful thinking, I'm sure, but at this point I'm not sure how else to do it.  We'll find our way, I'm sure, but probably not without some trauma one of these years.  God knows that by next year we'll have to be a little more careful with the TV selections, because the questions will no doubt be that much more intense by then.  The fact that we got questions already today was something I wasn't that prepared for, and it really got me wondering more in depth about how we're going to explain this someday.  We can tell our stories from that day, but the larger story about how it impacted the world, how there are people that evil, how many people suffered so terribly...I can't even begin to explain it.  History classes may do some of the dirty work, but only we can truly help him understand what it all means from our perspective. 

Getting into the horrors of September 11th means tackling a lot of difficult topics--fire, plane crashes, evil people, death, destruction--and you never want to expose your child to such atrocities.  They'll find out eventually, but it's hard to willingly expose your child to that, even if it means you're being proactive.  It's hard to know an appropriate age or how many details they're ready for.  I know Jacob is still too young for 99% of it, but you can't help but think about it on a day like today when it's all been refreshed in your mind.  Maybe it can help prepare you for the next year, when it may become an imminently important question to answer.  Or, God forbid, some other day when something else horrible takes place and you can't escape it.  The footage we're watching today will fade away tomorrow, at least until next year, but I remember far too well how ubiquitous the coverage was 10 years ago.  It's hard to escape, and as an educated person you sort of want to watch so you know what's happening in your own world.  How do you keep up-to-date while protecting your own child?  It's a tough balance, for sure.  I pray that we never have to make that decision.
For now, all we can do is remember.