Thursday, September 22, 2011

Then and Now

It's been a while since I last covered this topic in depth, but in case you were wondering, Project Baby #2 is still a go...but it's still pretty much stuck in the mud.  Again.  I'm coming to understand that my body apparently doesn't like being off birth control, but as much as things are the same as last time, some things are just a bit different...

Then: I ended birth control with little regard for how long it might take to get on track.
Now: I ended birth control with what I carefully calculated to be plenty of time to get back on track...and yet, here I am facing a bit of a time crunch.  Originally I wanted to aim for an earlier due date than last time, but now, even if we get pregnant on the first "real" attempt (assuming things ever get straightened out--see below), we'll probably be on about the same schedule. 
Both times: Apparently God's timing wins out over everything else.

Then: I waited five weeks for my first cycle after getting off birth control, then never got another period before getting pregnant out of the blue.
Now: I waited over six weeks for my first cycle...and seven weeks after that I'm still waiting for my second.  I've tried ovulation predictors here and there, but if I were to try to do them every day in the supposed middle of my cycle, I might go broke just buying those.
Both Times: I'm getting really sick of waiting for it to show up, if only just for practicality purposes of planning my wardrobe around appropriate underwear/preventative measures.

Then: I obsessed over the whole process constantly.  It ran through my mind all the time and constantly made me just a little crazier.  I have a feeling that stress might have been contributing to our problems.  Eventually the process went on for so long that I couldn't think about it all the time, and once I eased up, it just happened...coincidence or not.
Now: It runs through my head mostly when I go to the bathroom and see, yet again, that nothing's happening.  I'm not really stressing out this time, but it is getting a little annoying.
Both Times: The waiting game is a tough one.  It's extra hard not knowing what's happening when, and trying to decide when it makes sense to do an ovulation test or even a pregnancy test, just to get some idea of what might be happening. 

Then: I had no idea what the problem was.  Was my cycle messed up?  Was I infertile?  Did I have another health problem?  Were we just not trying at the right times?  At the same time, any diversion from my body's usual behavior was a surefire sign of pregnancy...which then turned into a surefire health issue once a pregnancy test came back negative.  When I finally did get pregnant and didn't know it, I was so tired.  I had pretty much given up hope of getting pregnant and was so confused when the ovulation-stimulating drug I took didn't seem to work.  I was ready to call my regular doctor to see why I was so tired, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to rule it out beforehand.  Sure enough, positive. 
Now: I've had a couple pieces of circumstantial evidence, but for the most part I've kept a much more level head this time around.  I'm more likely to blame it on a more realistic reason.  If I do blame anything on a potential pregnancy, I'm well aware that it's probably more wishful thinking than anything.
Both Times: Random body oddities still sometimes get me wondering.  If I'm extra tired, feel a little crampy twinge, or notice something really off, I can't help but wonder if it's pregnancy hormones.  Lately I've been losing hair like crazy, which I've mostly decided is post-birth control hormone regulation, much like women lose hair a couple months after birth due to hormones.  Regardless, both times it's been just one big question mark.

Long story short, I find it interesting that we're going through this same waiting game again.  It's easier this time, I think, since I know it had happy ending last time.  We have Jacob, and if that's all we're meant to have, that's not the worst thing in the world.  It would be sad, but not the end of the world. 

But it's frustrating and I find myself wondering at what point I call the doctor.  They'll probably want blood work, and if all is normal, they'll probably order up the same stuff I had last time--the drug meant to induce ovulation that I ended up not even needing.  Part of me feels like that's cheating, but on the other side of the coin, I hate having to wonder for weeks on end when my period is coming.  That alone is annoying, let alone the whole pregnancy aspect.  I keep telling myself that it will happen when the time is right, so I'm trying to remain level-headed about the whole thing.  What's the fun of going through this process if it isn't a bit of a journey?  I hope it's a nice pleasant journey, not too long and with a lovely destination...but a bit of an adventure nonetheless.

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