Telling the Tale

I blogged about this a couple years ago, but with the 10th anniversary of September 11th, I guess it's a good time to revisit the topic.  It boggles my mind that it was 10 years ago that I watched the towers crumble from the Amerks' locker room and sat at my desk following the crash in Shanksville, PA, convinced that it might never end.  No, there weren't any more plane crashes that day, but the more I watch the anniversary footage, the more I see that it doesn't really end.  For the people who lost loved ones and friends, for the people who saw things beyond their wildest imagination, for those who suffer health effects from digging through the rubble...their pain may never end.  When I think about how many people died in the wars our country has participated in, it strikes me how many stories never got written, how many children were never born, how many young people never got to experience adulthood.  The victims of September 11th are much the same--smaller in number, but so many lives snuffed out in their prime.  Kids who never got to meet their parents, couples that never got to have children, parents who lost sons and daughters, people that never got to grow old together. 

We've been watching memorial footage most of the day (other than the Bills' opener--one bright spot in an otherwise rough day of viewing), and watching some of the documentary-style footage it still makes my heart beat fast and reminds me all too well of the chaos and absolute horror of that day.  You can't take your eyes off it.  And yes, we could just shut the TV off, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened and all the people listed above can't escape that it happened.  Still, I can't decide if watching it is cathartic or further torture.  If nothing else, I guess it's just how we spend this anniversary each year...though today being a weekend made it that much easier to get a much larger dose than usual. 

Jacob was in the room for some of the footage--both of the memorial services and some of the documentaries.  He asked a lot of questions and we tried to answer them as simply as possible.  You know, references to "bad people", "buildings fell down", etc.  Maybe we shouldn't have allowed it, but let's face it...he'll have to find out about this at some point, and I'd almost rather do it bits at a time, almost make it something that he's used to, rather than have him find out about a significant portion of it at an age where he can truly understand it and have nightmares or whatever.  If it's always part of his existence, maybe by the time he understands the full significance he'll be old enough to handle it.  Wishful thinking, I'm sure, but at this point I'm not sure how else to do it.  We'll find our way, I'm sure, but probably not without some trauma one of these years.  God knows that by next year we'll have to be a little more careful with the TV selections, because the questions will no doubt be that much more intense by then.  The fact that we got questions already today was something I wasn't that prepared for, and it really got me wondering more in depth about how we're going to explain this someday.  We can tell our stories from that day, but the larger story about how it impacted the world, how there are people that evil, how many people suffered so terribly...I can't even begin to explain it.  History classes may do some of the dirty work, but only we can truly help him understand what it all means from our perspective. 

Getting into the horrors of September 11th means tackling a lot of difficult topics--fire, plane crashes, evil people, death, destruction--and you never want to expose your child to such atrocities.  They'll find out eventually, but it's hard to willingly expose your child to that, even if it means you're being proactive.  It's hard to know an appropriate age or how many details they're ready for.  I know Jacob is still too young for 99% of it, but you can't help but think about it on a day like today when it's all been refreshed in your mind.  Maybe it can help prepare you for the next year, when it may become an imminently important question to answer.  Or, God forbid, some other day when something else horrible takes place and you can't escape it.  The footage we're watching today will fade away tomorrow, at least until next year, but I remember far too well how ubiquitous the coverage was 10 years ago.  It's hard to escape, and as an educated person you sort of want to watch so you know what's happening in your own world.  How do you keep up-to-date while protecting your own child?  It's a tough balance, for sure.  I pray that we never have to make that decision.
For now, all we can do is remember.

Trip Highlights

I asked Craig if he wanted to do a guest blog post to go with the pictures from their trip last weekend, but I think if I wait for him it might be a while!  He writes enough on a daily basis that I'm sure it's about the last thing he wants to do at home.  So instead, here are some pictures...

Jacob with a cannon at Gettysburg

Another monument at Gettysburg

Tough guy with his band-aid

Trying on a hat in the store

Playing with army guys at the rental house

Playing with his baseball guys...they're currently taking up a patch of our living room rug, too.

Playing ball by the pool

At the Delmarva Shorebirds game

With his cousins around a giant baseball after the game

Chugging water...what else is new?

This carousel seems to be more his speed than the big ones...

Cool!  Snoopy and his plane!

Overall, the boys had a good time.  Jacob was a handful, but it was good, quality time with family he doesn't get to spend a ton of time with.  They saw a lot of historical stuff and Jacob talks about the army guys quite a bit.  He told me that his favorite part was the baseball game, and he loves talking about the van ride.  His face is healing nicely now, but he may always bear a little scar from this trip, evidence of his defiant streak that provoked him to flop around on the bed and fly off into the nightstand in the middle of the night.  It's a special trip that I wasn't part of, but I guess that makes it extra special for Jacob and Craig because it's something that just they share.  And to me, my time alone was equally special.  Best of both worlds...

Mom Bag

For a while now I've been looking for a "Mom Bag".  Yes, I walk around with the diaper bag whenever I'm with Jacob, but we don't use the diaper bag contents that much anymore...just wipes, maybe a pull-up now and then.  So instead of dragging it around and putting the contents of my purse in and out of it all the time, I wanted to get a bigger purse that I could rely on most of the time instead.  The diaper bag will still get use for longer outings and weekends, but when we're running out to the store or to dinner, the purse seems sufficient. 

The issue, however, is that I've had a small purse forever.  I've never had a giant one like I see most people carrying, whether they're trendy designer bags or the "Mom jeans" equivalent of the handbag world.  In fact, over the weekend when I was out shopping by myself, I felt like anyone looking at me would never guess I was a mom because I had this tiny little purse.  Here's a picture from a few years back, when my two best friends and I all had the same purse in different colors.  We all had the same little Nine West bag.  Mine is the one on the right, and it's pretty similar to my current one, just a slightly lighter color of pinkish-purple than my most recent one.     

And that's Lois in the middle...

Lately I'd been feeling sort of like the little purse betrays my wisdom and experience (ha!) as a mom, so perhaps it was time to sacrifice my shoulder to the weight of a big bag that could fit my stuff and some of Jacob's, too.  I looked around for a while, nothing crazy but keeping an eye out.  I really wanted one that had decent-sized end pockets, much like the mesh pockets on our diaper bag that usually hold Jacob's straw sippy cup.  I wanted something on the outside of the bag in case the cup leaked.  Other than that, it couldn't be super huge, but it needed to be a decent size, and either a neutral color or a fun color that could work with mutiple outfits and seasons.  I wanted it to be generally lightweight and stylish...and of course not too expensive!

During my solo weekend, I started looking a little more seriously.  I found one at Target that looked quite similar to my Nine West...much bigger but the same print in neutral colors.  It didn't have the outside pockets but it was a good size, a look I was comfortable with, and it just seemed right.  I bought it but kept looking, just in case.  I found another at Burlington Coat Factory that was a real Nine West, quite a bit bigger and slightly flashier (metallic trim).  It even had the pockets I wanted.  However, you can only return for store credit there, the bag was pretty big, and I wasn't sure the bag was quite my style.  In theory it was a better fit, but I wasn't sure it was practical for everyday use.  So, back to the Target bag...

Hard to tell the size, but it's about a foot square.  It's black with khaki in the shapes, though not as shiny as it looks...and yes, it's the exact same print as my old purse!

It's hard to do it justice, but long story short, it's a nice cross between casual and formal and it has a ton of room.  There are a lot of pockets and compartments, which is nice.  I put my stuff in it and had to laugh, because there was SO much room in it.  My stuff hardly took up any space!  Who knew my purse was that small!  Of course, now I noticed that my wallet is too small (never got a bigger one since my purse couldn't handle it) and will happily replace that as well when the next good sale pops up.  I gave the purse its first test tonight when we went to dinner.  I threw in a pull-up, a small wipes container, and two of Jacob's little toys.  Oh, and the camera.  Everything fit fine.  Extra pants and underwear should too.  And for the sippy cup scenario, I figured out that they fit in a Ziploc, so that's my plan there. 

I fought it for all this time, but I have finally graduated to the mom bag.  My time has come. 



Back in the swing of things...

Well, the boys are back.  They had a good time and it's been good having them back.  It's been a little bit of an adjustment getting back to normal bedtime, potty training, and meals at the table.  I don't know if it's just that I missed him or if he's still getting back in his terror groove, but part of me feels like things haven't been as bad.  Difficult, yes....torture, no.  It might help that we have some new things to hang over Jacob's head (his souvenirs, the risk of being back in the ER strapped to the table), but while he's still not listening, he's been a little easier-going in general.  Maybe I'm just easier-going because I had a break.  It's refreshing to have a break from the screaming, and I feel better about keeping my calm.  So, I'm not sure if it's me or him, but it's been a little less frustrating.

His wound is healing fine, per his doctor, though there's still a painful looking pink spot in the middle of it. There's still a lot of glue to peel off, but hopefully it will heal well.  Might be worth investing in some Mederma to lessen scarring.  It doesn't seem to bother him other than when we're changing his band-aid.  I think we'll have to start letting it breathe, but I left a band-aid on it tonight so he doesn't accidentally bleed on his animals. 

It's been funny to watch the parade of pictures on Facebook the last few days (and even weeks, considering my friends down south) showing everyone's kids' first day of school.  A lot of my friends have new Kindergartners, in particular.  Hard to believe that will be us in two years.  I guess I feel a little lucky that we're not having a big "new year" transition at daycare.  Jacob did his a couple months ago so we're already good there...even if he's still asking to go back to his old room.  I suppose this is one of the last years (if not the last) without a big transition, and then from then on, every new school year is going to be a deep-breath-and-dive-in scenario with new schools, new teachers, new friends, new routines, and more.  I'm still not sure where Jacob will go (public vs. private), so I'm not sure if we're going to have to do the bus thing, or what.  Yikes.  I have to think back-to-school is a big thing for parents, too, since it means a whole new year of keeping tabs on your kids and their respective batches of homework, friend problems, teacher problems, and activities.  Right now, apparently we have it easy. 

It's been funny this week because a great blog I just started following (which, of course, is now ENDING) has had the theme of what the mom bloggers would do with a kid-free day.  Of course, the topic is near and dear to my heart since I just finished blogging about my real-life experience with kid-free life.  It's been interesting to read other moms' take on the subject, and I must say that I found myself nodding right along with most of them.  I did disagree with one that insisted that kids don't have to prevent you from doing things, but let's face it--no normal three year old is going to stand by quietly while you browse clearance racks for three hours.  Ain't happenin'.  Nice thought, but no.  And not just that, but I wouldn't necessarily want to put my kid through that even if I could.  But the rest were very interesting to read...even though my experience got nowhere near a spa, massage, mani/pedi, a beach, or an alcoholic beverage.  So I value getting things done over complete relaxation...sue me.  I'll be sad to see the site end, though technically I do have about eight months of posts to catch up on.

So, yeah, things are back to normal and it's ok. 

The Downside

My days alone are coming to an end.  In a little while I'll be hopping in the car to meet the boys at the same park and ride that I dropped them off at.  They're getting back later than I originally anticipated, which is good and bad.  I get these last few hours to relax, now that my spree of household chores and shopping is over, but I was hoping for a little time with Jacob tonight before bedtime.  But...no such luck.  He only asked about me once while they were gone.  I'm not going to take it personally, because he obviously had plenty of other things keeping him occupied over the last five days.  I'm sure he also enjoyed not hearing me scream at him as much as I enjoyed not having to do it.  He still got plenty of discipline, apparently, but I know he also got a little spoiled.  It doesn't sound like potty training was particularly successful, either.  Should be an interesting adjustment period.

I managed to get a ton of stuff done over the last five-plus days.  I cleaned my bathroom, caulked the tub, changed the knob on the door to our garage, vacuumed and dusted the entire house, did a little yard work, enjoyed some cooking, did a ton of filing (I have a huge bagfull of shredding to do), and did a lot of shopping.  I hit up the clearance racks and found some cool stuff, and it was fun to have the time to shop for myself for a change.  I did look for stuff for Jacob, but apparently 4T isn't a great size for clearance finds.  I did get two things for him--not clothes--though I'm still deciding if I'm going to keep them.  It's planning ahead a little bit, but they were items I had my eye on for a while, and they were on clearance.  We'll see...

Anyway, it's left me a lot of time for thinking and observing. I mean, I certainly missed Craig and Jacob a lot.  Evenings were quiet and bedtime was a little lonely.  I kept wanting to turn on the baby monitor or check on Jacob in his room.  Phone conversations were hard because there was always a lot of noise on the other end and Craig was trying to keep an eye on Jacob at the same time.  Let's just say that those kind of conversations aren't the most ideal for reconnecting.  But at the same time, it was nice to reclaim the extra 30-40 minutes that usually spent getting Jacob into bed.  I found myself turning on the TV far more than I do when Jacob's here.  I guess I missed his noise a bit, or at least I'm too used to having his noise so I needed something to fill the void.  It was weird not having anyone to talk to at times, but I'll admit I probably fell back into solo life easier than I expected.  When I lived alone, I loved it.  I really didn't feel the need to call anyone...and while that's fine, it's a little scary how easy it would be to fall into that sort of non-social life and be ok with it.  I don't know...maybe I didn't miss them as much as I should have.   

It's amazing how much you look around and notice your surroundings when you're not constantly engrossed in/distracted by your own child.  I seemed to notice other people with kids far more than usual.  I noticed so many sweet, joyful little girls...which at first made me wistful for the baby stage but then made me more frustrated by how much I want a girl next time around.  I wouldn't trade Jacob for anything (nor a future brother) BUT girls are just so different and I can't help but hope we get one. They skip around and get excited about cute stuff.  Jacob is pretty serious about so many things, and sports seems to be the only thing that gets him excited.  It would be nice to have a change of pace.  I feel bad saying that, but I just noticed it a lot this weekend.

I felt sort of like I was cheating by being out shopping alone.  I would see these people lugging around a stroller or managing their kids or helping them eat, and I felt like I was getting off so easy because I didn't have to do that.  I'm a mom, I have a little boy, and yet I got to shop uninterrupted.  With my empty hands and small purse, people probably couldn't imagine that I was one of them, that I've been there.  It was weird. 

The fact that this was the first time in over three years that I've had solo time like this scared me a little.  When I was looking at those other people, I started having moments where it was like, "Can I really do this again?"  If it's taken me this long to get a free long weekend, how long will it be before another one, especially if we have another baby?  It'll be that much harder to ship two off with Craig or the grandparents, particularly when one is an infant.  If it took me this long to get around to all the things I did, am I going to have to wait that long again?  Longer?  It was just another reminder of how busy I am normally with one, and then I had a friend post on Facebook about how she looks back on life with one kid (she now has three) and laughs at how busy she thought she was then.  It definitely makes you wonder how it'll all work out. 



It was certainly and interesting few days, though.  Ultimately I hope it'll make me appreciate what I have, and if nothing else, nothing will take away the great experience of being productive and getting back to "me" for a bit.  In the end I know that I couldn't live without my boys.  I can lend them out for a few days, but this time was only as sweet as it was because I knew that they were coming back.  My life is what it is, and once you make these big decisions, there's no going back.  Hard though it is at times, anything else would be empty in comparison.  And now, it's time to go fill my life back up again...

The List

Ever since I've become a mother, I've become increasingly aware of the to do list floating through my brain at any given moment.  I can't tell you how many times I've wished my brain had an Outlook calendar that was prepared to pop up with a reminder as needed.  Perhaps that's just a sign that I need a better cellphone with calendar capabilities, but quite frankly, I don't want to be beholden to my phone and would rather just have the reminders pop up in front of my face where I can't miss them.  At any given moment there's a dozen things percolating through my head--work, housework, shopping, cooking, child care, entertainment, you-name-it.  Some is vital, some is just anal-retentive...but it's a constant stream of things I need to do, remember, go to, or buy. 

It's as big as remembering a doctor's appointment (and getting up early enough to make it), or as small as clipping Jacob's fingernails.  It's remembering who needs more cereal or that we're out of toilet paper, and having some concept of which items I have coupons for.  It's having some idea of what we're going to eat for dinner, what I still need to buy, and whether or not Jacob will eat enough of it to sustain life...and if not, can he eat something else, suffer through it as a lesson in trying new foods, or do we just put it off until he's a little more adventurous?  Should we eat out, or is it too expensive?  Would there be a more advantageous day to eat out instead?  I strategize with sales before making a big purchase (not quite extreme couponing, but I do what I can), think about how many spare diapers we have in the diaper bag, and plan my yardwork based on the weather.  I agonize over the decisions I make when it comes to dealing with Jacob's behavior, and replay them in my head long after the fact. 

I'm sure there's a lot more that's not coming to mind right now, but you get the idea.  I suppose most of them are first world problems and life is pretty darn good in general, but the constant stream gets to be tiresome.  It's hard when you need to consider the consequences and next steps every time you make a decision or do anything.  I don't think I realized how much that impacted me until this time alone, when I'm constantly trying to plan ahead but suddenly realize that I'm the only one I'll be impacting. 

I sometimes wonder if guys have this running dialog.  Maybe single dads do.  But based on conversations I've had, it seems like it's definitely a mom thing.  I have some theories about why guys don't seem quite as crazy:

1) They're just not as anal about the little things.
2) They have women who take care of the little things for them.
3) They don't think as deeply about the little stuff, so they don't realize what might be missing/easily improved.
4) They don't realize the to do list is so long, so they don't have the urgency to get things done.
5) Relaxing is just prioritized higher for men, either because they physically need more breaks (ha!) or because 1-4 allow them to do so.

Earlier this week we had a fire drill at work, and I spent the whole walk down 16 stories, down the street to our meeting place, then all the way back, talking to a co-worker who has a one-year-old son.  She brought up the lists in her head, and shared a story about when her family went camping a couple weeks ago.  They got to the campsite and did the basic unpacking, at which point her husband pulled out a chair, grabbed a beer and sat down.  And then she looked at him and said, "It must be nice..."...because there was still a lot more unpacking and organizing to do, which she wanted to take care of before sitting down to relax.  Would the unpacking have gotten done eventually?  Probably, but from a woman's perspective it's important to get it done just in case you run into problems later, just in case more gets added to the mental to do list.  I can relate to her issue, because there were a few times this summer when Craig got out of work early (4pm most days) and by the time I got home with Jacob in tow, Craig was chilling on the couch with a movie.  I'm sure there were plenty of other things to do--picking up Jacob among them--but for whatever reason the movie won out.  So, are women maybe a little extra anal?  Maybe.  But could men keep that in mind and meet us halfway?  Yep.

Everyone's been telling me to relax this weekend, but the sheer fact that this list doesn't necessarily have to be running through my head all the time makes it inherently more relaxing than any given day.  And anything I accomplish is a huge weight off my shoulders for days or weeks to come.  I have been productive, but I still have a pretty sizable list.  I wore myself out today with re-caulking our tub and a bunch of shopping, so it might be a low-key evening.  We'll see.  I have plenty of things to do sitting down, too :)  This has definitely been an interesting experience, and I do miss my boys, but I'm savoring the quiet and the ease with which I can get things done.  It'll be over soon enough...

Catching up on the weekend...

Amidst all the craziness with the trip, I never got around to posting pics from the weekend.  Craig was in Maryland for the championship weekend for Major League Lacrosse (his team won their first game but lost in the championship game) and I had to decide whether we were going to go to Craig's family picnic.  Part of me really wanted to stay home and relax, but we hadn't seen his family in a while so I decided to go.  In the end there weren't a ton of people that we knew (most of his family came considerably later), but we managed to keep ourselves occupied.  We played sports, snacked, and chatted with some of Craig's second (and third?) cousins.  I came prepared with a bag full of sports equipment, and we used all of it!

Drop kick!

The pure joy of getting tickled!

He was purposely trying to get stuck in the Kan Jam bucket!

Once the rest of Craig's family arrived and dinner was over, it was time for the traditional softball game.  Apparently back in the day the games were pretty competitive, but nowadays it's made up of mostly the kids.  Jacob really wanted to play.

My little catcher!

Of course, right before the game, Jacob stepped into a giant mud puddle and fell on his butt.  He was coated in mud.  I forced him to make the long walk back to the car to change, and the tough thing was that we'd been there for many hours by that point and still had to stop at my parents' quick and then head home...so I knew we had to leave soon anyway.  Jacob had a total meltdown and was screaming about wanting to play in the game.  In the end, I relented and decided that we could go back and he could have one at bat, and then we'd have to go.  We made the long walk back and he got his at bat (a home run!  Ok, so maybe there was some sketchy fielding and suspect base running, but he DID hit it!), but then he wanted to run out and play the field.  His team was still batting, so according to baseball rules he couldn't go out there...never mind the fact that he's a little guy and there was a real ball out there (a slightly softer tee ball one, I think).  He completely flipped out again, and this time I could really tell he was overtired (only a 45 minute nap on the way there), so we headed out, kicking and screaming (literally).  In all the craziness, I accidentally left his good glove and one of his whiffle bats there, but luckily Craig's family scooped them up for us and they were reunited on this week's trip.

We made our quick stop at my parents, and fortunately Jacob fell asleep on the way home and stayed that way.  And he slept in!
We had a lazy day on Sunday, and the highlight was going out to dinner with Lori.  We went to Pizzeria Uno, and Jacob got to make his own pizza.  It's nice to have a little extra something to kill time at a restaurant!

Not much else to report, particularly in light of the last couple days.  I'm just looking forward to a few days of time to take care of the things I've been wanting to tackle for ages.  I still have some cleaning to do, and plenty of other household and bookkeeping-type things.  Let's hope I can get most of it done!