Tough Day

...More for me than Jacob, but he didn't have such a great evening himself. Jacob was exceptionally fussy last night, crying a lot. Even when he was being held, he tended to either cry or whine a bit. He didn't feel warm and didn't exhibit any signs of illness beyond his still-present cough and congestion. As unpleasant as that stuff is, I'm grateful he hasn't yet had one of those massive runny noses you see so many kids with. Knock on wood. But regardless (particularly in light of the stories below), I couldn't help but be concerned that he was so much fussier than usual. I kept asking him, "What's wrong?", hoping he'd magically answer. In between crying spells he still had his moments with smiles here and there, and he went down to bed pretty well after about two minutes of fussing. Seemed better this morning, so I can only hope. I'm concerned enough about how this weekend's visit to Grandma and Grandpa's will go...first trip away since his overnight meltdown at Craig's parents' house a few weeks ago...but I think I'm going to bring his humidifer with us (worth the hassle if it helps him sleep, and based on what I've experienced, it does.) so hopefully we'll be ok.

As for me, yesterday was a tough parent day, emotionally. It seemed like I kept running into unfortunate stories about sick kids and the impact on their parents. Two of the blogs I read each day dealt with this topic--one discussing miscarriages, the other talking about a two month old baby (the nephew of the blogger, as told by her sister, the mom) who was having seizures and was diagnosed with this horrible problem--though a second opinion gave them a little more hope that he could still end up pretty normal. Even still, not something you ever want to think about. The miscarriage one obviously had less of an impact since (for now) I'm past that stage, but now that I have a baby and know the joy of watching this little baby turn into a little person, the thought of losing one and wondering "what if..." is hard to think about.

Just those two blogs alone made me feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy baby, and slightly fearful that something could ever happen to Jacob. As I've mentioned here before, the mere thought of it makes me absolutely distraught. You never want to expect something to happen to your child, but there's always the thought that things happen to very ordinary people, and who's to say it couldn't happen to you? Why one person over another? This particular family has already been through cancer three times (once for the blogger and twice for the mother of this child), so there's obviously little justice in the world sometimes. So while you shouldn't expect it, there's always that little part of you that thinks about it and prays that your family is spared the pain.

As if that wasn't enough, last night's ER nearly brought me to tears. The appearance of the long-deceased Dr. Greene was pretty cool, but the general topic of the show was sick children. One storyline took place in the present, dealing with a little girl who feel into some freezing water and was unconscious. Of course her parents were devastated while they were doing everything to revive her. That storyline ended pretty well, but I don't know if they ever discussed what shape that girl's brain might be in after all that trauma. The other storyline took place in the past, with one doctor thinking back to when her otherwise healthy son was started having seizures and ended up at that same hospital (with Dr. Greene as his doctor). After one particular seizure, as the boy woke up, he started vomiting blood, and it all went downhill from there. Ultimately they discovered that he had leukemia, which caused a stroke. The boy died. Healthy to dead in one afternoon. I know it's TV and I know they do stuff like that to get a response from the viewer, but as a parent, it's hard not to put yourself in their shoes. Even if the stroke wouldn't have done him in, the leukemia would have been a tough battle on its own. And we've all come across stories of kids with cancer and been heartbroken at the thought of it ever happening to someone you love. But at the end of the storyline, the dead little boy on the gurney hit a little too close to home and I was moments away from breaking down. Sad, scary stuff.

From cancer to autism to accidents, there are so many things that can happen to kids--so many that are completely sudden and shocking--and when you have something so precious, the thought of losing it is horrifying. And from the moment you find out you're having a baby, that is your existence. It intensifies when you have the baby and can hold it in your arms, and from what I can tell so far it becomes even more intense as they grow and develop into a complete person with so many different qualities to love. No matter the stress and problems of the day, I know I should be grateful for every single moment I have with Jacob. Even when he's crying, I know I should be thankful to have that crying baby to hold and comfort. It's not always easy, but deep down I know it.

Parenthood is an amazing experience, for better or for worse, and I don't think you can ever grasp what it all means until you're in the middle of it. A friend of mine just told me that he and his wife are expecting. When I asked if it was planned, he responded that they weren't doing anything to prevent it, but they weren't specifically trying, either. It's not my place to make a judgment on their intentions, because he's a tough guy to read sometimes and there's probably more going on below the surface, but I genuinely hope that deep down they really did want this to happen. Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly...there's way too much that goes into it and it's a lifelong commitment. I'm sure they will take a lot of joy in their baby once it arrives, but my hope is that they know (as best they can) what they're getting into!

Have a happy weekend everyone!

Diaper Issues

Now that Jacob is choosing to sleep on his belly or his side most of the time (not that I still don't go in and flip him once in a while), a new problem cropped up. Quite a few mornings he'd wake up wet, like he was peeing out of the top of his diaper. I figured out that the way he was laying must make the top of the diaper gape open, and when he pees there's nothing there to contain it. Not cool.

I've stated before on this blog that the internet has greatly changed/enhanced baby life. Perplexed about what to do, I went onto Yahoo Answers and asked about this issue. I got about 10 answers within a few minutes, ranging from using a larger diaper to getting overnight diapers to folding down the front of the diaper into the diaper to create a barrier. Since we had some size 3 diapers waiting in the wings (thanks Cousin Lynn, for the gift you gave us ages ago!), I decided to give the one-size-up diaper trick a try.

Although he's had some diaper blowouts recently as well, he doesn't really seem ready for a bigger diaper yet...based on weight, anyway. The 3's start at 18 pounds or so, and he's not even close...let alone that he's always been fine in a smaller size even when he was above the weight range...that skinny waist! Size 3's seem huge on him, though I know he'll grow into them soon enough. However, they fit enough that he could wear one, though it seemed awfully bulky and like it took over his whole body--like old man pants, pulled all the way up to his chest! Regardless...this morning I got him up and he was dry! And the diaper even performed well with his mid-breakfast poop :) Thank goodness. It remains to be seen whether or not this method will continue to work, but so far so good. Kudos to the internet folks who suggested it!

Not much else to report these days. It seems like he's getting bigger every day, and he's obsessed with faces now. Whenever he's laying down and we're looking down at him, he grabs for our faces...mouths especially. He even does it when he's nursing (speaking of which, he's easily distracted these days which makes getting in a good, solid feeding tough...though I can't deny that when he looks up at me and smiles, it cracks me up). He's had some irrationally cranky crying spells this week, but in general once they're over (either because we do something or he just stops), he goes right back to being all smiles. Gas maybe? I experimented for the second time with soy milk over the weekend because I miss cereal so much, and that might have triggered it. As you may recall, I decided Jacob must have a cow's milk protein sensitivity because he was so gassy early on, and gave up milk a while back (just couldn't do all dairy...cheese and ice cream are too hard! His first major spell was on Sunday, followed shortly thereafter by some massive gas passing. I have no idea if the soy did it--many babies with the milk protein sensitivity have the same issue with soy--but I don't know how long it would take to get out of my system either. Hmmm. But for the most part he's still a happy boy...and I can't wait to spend another weekend with him starting tomorrow night! :)

Parental Progress Report

In another week and a half, Jacob will be five months old. That seems nearly impossible to me, because that means that a month after that he'll be six months old, and that's half a year! Crazy. After nearly five months of parenthood, I've been thinking about how far we've come...and how far we have yet to go. There are some things I feel pretty good about, and some that I'm not as sure about. And even that stuff depends on the day. Some days you'd swear you're totally on the same wavelength, and then one bad day makes it feel like you don't know your child at all...which is usually when I sit there and worry about how much time he spends as day care. The past couple days Jacob has had some epic crying spells...and you just sit there and wonder. I think we diagnosed Sunday's as gas (it was on our way back from Buffalo--I ended up spending all but 10 minutes in the back seat with him. He cried for a good half hour and then fell asleep. When I tried to get into the front seat at the Pembroke rest area, he woke up and got fussy momentarily so we opted to just keep going with me in the back.) as gas, but beyond that, I'm just not sure. Even last night I had a moment of concern about something totally happy. When I walked into the daycare room he was standing up on the lap of his favorite caretaker, the one who's almost always there at the end of the day, and she had him laughing like crazy. I've gotten some good laughs out of him, but not consistently. I know that a lot of it depends on his mood, but I don't think I've ever seen him quite that giddy...and it's like, "What am I missing?" A lot of days when I pick him up and take him back from her, he'll just keep looking at her and smiling. Hmmm. But babies are fickle and tend to fixate on random things, so I'll just keep chalking it up to that for now. We just found out today that she's staying home with her baby once she has it, and her last day is in a couple weeks. Too bad, since Jacob really liked her and she seemed to enjoy spending time with him.

Anyhoo...it's been nice that some things have become quite routine. I've gotten pretty good at reading him (apart from those freakouts mentioned above). I know when he's tired or hungry, I know that nursing will almost always calm him down when I'm desperate, and I know his "poopy face"--the face he makes every time he goes #2. Diaper changes (which, of course, I had never done prior to Jacob) are still not fun, but I'm pretty matter of fact about them these days...even if they are stinky. I still get annoyed when he has a blowout, because stain removal isn't fun, particularly when it's stinky...but even still, I'm better than I thought I'd be! Breastfeeding is pretty routine these days, and pumping is as well. Jacob seems like a pretty happy baby, and that is a good feeling. He smiles a lot, seems pretty content most of the time, and is generally pretty flexible. While part of that is luck (or actually God knowing what he's doing, I suppose...not sure how I'd do with a really fussy baby), I'd like to think that we're providing a good environment for him that's led to his good nature.

On the not-so-good side, I still feel clumsy. I have a hard time toting Jacob around sometimes, and when I'm holding him and he's squirmy, I don't feel very coordinated. I live in constant fear of dropping him or losing my grip in one way or another. I remain completely petrified of when he gets more mobile and messy...though I can't wait for some other abilities that come with that time. I am scared to death of the day he learns how to disobey, or learns the word "no" at just the wrong time. Right now I just love that he's my sweet little boy. I'm sad when I leave him at day care each morning, but I am grateful to day care that it provides a different set of stimuli for him. I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough for him, not varying the little ways that I play with him. My creativity is lacking. I feel like I don't read to him enough. Bedtime is tough because we have a very small "happy" window between the end of his feeding and when he starts to get cranky about going in his crib. I should find other time, but between trying to play with him in other ways, feeding him, and doing my nightly chores, sometimes it's tough to find the time. I'm probably not the best wife these days, either. Sometimes I'm a little too focused on making sure Jacob is taken care of, and I forget that Craig needs taking care of, too. Time and romance are tough to come by these days, though I think slowly but surely we'll adjust to that, too. We better, if we want Jacob to have a sibling someday! ;-)

I'll admit I still have a feeling of trepidation when I know I'll have Jacob by myself, whether it's for an evening or the whole day. I definitely want to spend time with him, but there's that unknown of how he'll be...and how it will start to affect me after a long day when I'm tired. Will he nap easily or will he want to be held all the time? Can we find enough things to do so he won't be bored? Will I be able to leave the house and not risk him freaking out? Regardless, I'm generally still pretty content just hanging out at home with him. I'm not sure if that's because I just want to spend time with him, or if I'm just too nervous to venture out for too long. That's part of the reason I haven't been clothes shopping in months. It's still definitely easier to do things without him, like grocery shopping, just because he's quite a load to cart around and I'm barely tall enough to see over him when he's in his car seat on a shopping cart! I'm almost to the point where quick trips into stores are easier with him in the Baby Bjorn carrier than in his car seat. But unlike when he was first born, at least I know I can do it if I have to...but most of the time I just choose not to.

Overall I think we're doing pretty good. We've learned a lot in the past 4-1/2 months, and we'll always continue to improve. And once we think we've got it figured out, it will all change anyway! All I know is that we love him like crazy and both wish we had more time to spend with him. In the meantime, he's still a wonderful little boy and we feel so fortunate to have him.

Things Jacob will never experience

Every year they come out with that list about the "reality" of this year's incoming college freshman...stuff that has always been the norm in their lives, what was going on when they were born, etc. Jacob will always know the internet, might never see a rotary phone, will probably be one of those kids obsessed with cell phones, and might always wonder what those cassette tape things are near the CDs in our house (last used in my old car that had a tape deck). For the record, I am scared to death of bringing up a kid in this technology-based world, because I don't really have a precendent to follow. Cell phones and the Internet weren't popular until I was in college. Jacob will encounter all of that stuff at a much earlier age, and I have no idea how to determine what's appropriate for his age. Lots of internet supervision, I guess, and we'll have to figure out the cell phone thing when the time comes. But anyway...

We've always said that we'd have to tell our kids about September 11th, and who knows how much of Craig's sports career Jacob will be aware of. He wasn't around for one championship, and was a couple months old for the other...so far. There are older relatives (great-grandparents, mostly) that he'll never get to meet. Perhaps we won't be in our current house long enough for Jacob to remember it (we'll see how much stuff we can fit here for now, and decide before baby #2 if we can cram it with more). I'm sure the list can go on and on.

As much as this post could be about something super meaningful, it's actually been inspired by looking at some rather unfortunate pictures of the Aud in Buffalo. The Memorial Auditorium, the Sabres' original home, was one of my favorite places in the world. I liked it so much that I wrote a really long piece about it (somewhere around 25-30 pages) shortly after it closed in 1996. It's still housed at my old website here. I wanted to write down all of the fun stories, complete with random details, so I wouldn't forget them once I was no longer able to go there and remind myself with each visit. Twelve years later, I'm incredibly happy I did. A lot has faded in my memories, as I figured it would. Twelve years later the building is finally facing imminent demolition, and apparently the media was let in for one last tour. Those pictures, as well as some unauthorized ones on theaudclub.com, paint a sobering picture of the inside of this once cherished building. It's been left to rot, from peeling paint and graffiti to mold and bat/rat droppings. Now it's even more torn apart because they've been removing asbestos in preparation for demolition. It's sad. It should have been torn down years ago, though that would have killed me even more then. Now I know it has to go. It's sort of like the difference between losing a loved one suddenly while they're still seemingly healthy or losing them once they've already deteriorated. This is obviously nothing compared to human life, but it definitely echoes my feelings when my grandmother passed away. Before dementia took over, she was vibrant and colorful, very involved with the family, and fun to be around. To lose her in her prime would have been tragic and sad, because there was still the potential for so much more good stuff. However, by the time she died it was incredibly sad to see her in the state she was in, confused and often frustrated. It made the sting of her actual passing less painful, but seeing her get to that point was hard in its own right. The Aud is merely a building, but it was one that held many great memories for me. It laid the groundwork for a love of hockey that led me to where I am in life. As I've said before, without hockey, Craig and I would never have met, and Jacob wouldn't be a part of our lives either. To see it go right after it closed would have been sad for me, because at that time it seemed like they could have done something cool to save it, like they did for the Forum in Montreal. Now it's obvious that there isn't anything still good enough to save in there, because time, unmanaged moisture, small animals, and trespassers have left the building disgusting and useless. I still wish they'd find ways to save certain things, like the big blue scoreboard still hanging above the playing surface, or the classic front facade. Most of the seats are too gross to save, but apparently some have been salvaged for an auction next weekend. Not sure I'd want them impacting the air quality in my home, but...anyway...

It saddens me a bit that by the time Jacob is old enough, that plot of land is going to house a Bass Pro Shop, among other things. I hope it does well there, because God knows downtown Buffalo needs a shot in the arm. But it will be hard to describe the Aud to Jacob someday, and help him understand how electric the building was during a hockey game. Nothing's built like that anymore, with steeply sloped seats that sat right on top of the action. I have a handful of pictures from the final game there, plus whatever might be floating around on the internet, and beyond that a handful of hockey footage (mostly on VCR tapes--however long those will be functional) from inside the building. Of course, he might not even care...but someday I hope he does, because that building built the foundation of a love that his parents share, a love for a sport that eventually led them to a love for each other. Sappy, I know, but true nonetheless. No other hockey building holds memories like that for me, despite having seen plenty of games in both HSBC Arena and the Blue Cross Arena here in Rochester. My BCA memories are of a different sort, and those may be fun to share someday, too, but when it comes to purely joyful hockey memories, the Aud is it. And it's one thing Jacob will never have a chance to see, let alone experience. Bummer.

A Year Ago

It occurred to me the other day that this week one year ago was the last week of our baby-free existence. Fifty-two weeks ago this coming Monday, the pregnancy test came back positive and we were officially starting a new phase of our lives. I said from the very beginning that even if (God forbid) something would have gone wrong, there was no going back at that point...we would forever be changed by the experience. Fortunately all did go well.

I'm not sure what sparked that realization that it had been a year, but I did get to thinking that a year ago this coming weekend I went to Pittsburgh with my cousin, aunt and uncle to see the Dale Chihuly exhibit. We headed out Friday afternoon and came back late Saturday. Friday night we went to Joe's Crab Shack and I ate a bunch (and had a drink...oops!), and experienced my first bout of delayed digestion--an issue that plagued me for at least the first few months of pregnancy--where I would eat like a bottomless pit but stay full for hours. I slept horribly that night, partly because I was full, partly because I was sharing a bed with someone other than Craig, and partly because my aunt wasn't the quietest sleeper. The next day we went to the exhibit, then headed off to IKEA to do some shopping. We also ate at Steak-n-Shake. Yum. (And yeah, that really was among the highlights of the trip!) I still look back on that weekend as a last carefree moment...the last time of my life where I wasn't always thinking/worrying about this little human being. Even though we did plan a little ahead, the trip was a bit of a whim...not too easy to do that anymore! Even if Jacob is physically taken care of, it would still involve a lot of planning and pumping!

To spice up this post, here are some pics from the exhibit...keep in mind that what you're seeing is generally a combination of glass and plants!

It was a great weekend, but by the time we got home, I was beat. I tried to recover on Sunday, but by Monday I was absolutely spent. I hadn't been feeling too fantastic for a couple weeks at that point and was in the midst of the ovulation confusion, but it never crossed my mind that I might actually be pregnant. But before I called the doctor (since it had been two weeks since the drugs that were supposed to get me on track), I knew I needed to take one more test so I knew for sure...so on my way home from work, I stopped at Dollar Tree (I know...but seriously? You can buy like, seven tests for the price of one brand name one, and they're not ALL going to be wrong. All the ones I have ever taken have been correct. And the best part? You don't even have to do the stereotypical waiting...my positive result came in about 30 seconds.), and went home to take what ended up being the positive test. Cue the complete shock. The rest is history, and a year later here we are with a wonderful four month old baby.

Ironically, today I got a Travelocity e-mail about travel to Pittsburgh. And if that isn't enough, shortly after thinking about last December's trip to Orlando the other day, I got a call from Marriott trying to get me to book a trip to one of their resorts in Orlando. Weird. I can't believe that it's almost been a year since that trip. The past year has definitely been a whirlwind. The whole time period between finding out I was pregnant and Christmas (when we finally told most people) was such a weird limbo period for us. We wanted to tell people but were nervous about word getting out and something going wrong. We had to go through Thanksgiving with our families without mentioning a word. Once we got past the initial ultrasound and knew we were actually further along than we thought, we still had to wait because we wouldn't be seeing anyone in person until Christmas (thanks mostly to the Orlando trip). We told a couple people here and there based on extenuating circumstances (like only seeing them in person that one time and either knowing they wouldn't see anyone or swearing them to secrecy), but for the most part we had to hold our tongues for a while...living a double life, so to speak. I remember the exhaustion, the combination of fear and excitement, the ever-present feeling of nausea despite a voracious appetite, and the anticipation of all of the changes that I was going to be experiencing...and the odd feeling of not being able to share it all with some of the most important people in my life.

I think the time change has brought a lot of this on, since a good portion of this stuff took place during a "dark" time of year, and that time of year is back...yuck. It's just funny to be entering into a time where last year we were constantly thinking, "Wow, next year at this time we'll have a [insert baby age here]...", and now here we are. Time flies when you're having fun :)

Nine years ago today...

...Craig and I met for the first time. I was in college and had hitched a ride from a friend of mine up to Rochester for my internship interview with the Amerks. I was scared out of my mind but super excited at the prospect of interning for a hockey team. I had done my Buffalo Bisons (baseball) internship the previous summer, and I decided early on the following semester that I should probably get more experience if I wanted to get a job in sports after college. When I saw that the Amerks offered internships, I looked into it with the Geneseo internship coordinator and was given two business cards. One belonged to a corporate sales person who had attended Geneseo, and the other belonged to a guy who had Craig's job before Craig did. Craig ended up contacting me, as he had taken the job over a couple months earlier, and we set up an interview. I still vaguely remember walking into the office that day and meeting him. Was it love at first sight? No, not so much. But in the weeks and months that followed, he was a great mentor and became a good friend. Oh, and did I mention I had to bug him a bunch before he finally hired me? I didn't find out I had the internship until I was home for Christmas, and then I had to run out and buy a car ASAP! Good thing I was persistent...not sure how he feels about that trait now, though! ;-)

I stuck around as an intern until the Amerks lost in the Calder Cup Finals in June, despite graduating in May (and I think I finished my hours in March or April!), partly because I wasn't about to leave in the midst of a playoff run, partly because I wanted to get as much experience as possible, and partly because I loved what I was doing. Staying on that long and getting good recommendations from a couple people led to me getting a job there, and Craig's and my friendship grew over the year that followed. I was dating someone else in the office for a while, so it really was just a friendship for that year. Eventually a mutual interest developed, and the rest is history. We dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and now have been married for over five. We've crammed a lot into these nine years, though. Who woulda thunk it? And now we have the most beautiful baby and a pretty darn good life. Can't complain. And it all started with one simple interview...

Monday Notes

First of all, this is post #200! Wow...that's just crazy!

Anyway...it was a good weekend. Not all that busy, but full and a bit tiring nonetheless. I was home with Jacob all day on Saturday while Craig was working. It was a lot of fun but by the end of the day I was pretty beat. It was a reminder of why the stay-at-home mom thing would be a challenge. As good as Jacob is, he's a lot of work. If I'm home with him I want to play with him. Eventually he gets either tired or hungry. If he's hungry, I'm on the hook for that as well. If he's tired I can either try to rock him to sleep a bit or if he's fighting me, I can put him in his swing. During naps I try to get as much as I can done around the house...or if he's fallen asleep on me, I guess I can get in a little rest, too. But the whole day--from morning to night--follows this pattern, and it's tiring. Rewarding, but tiring. I constantly marvel at how adorable he is, how smiley and sweet. Like any baby, he has his moments, but for the most part he's predictable enough to keep under control.

I got a little help yesterday with Craig home, though we had to do some outside work together to keep our fall leaf situation under control. Jacob fell asleep while we were coming home from lunch after church (since he just wouldn't sleep at church), and ended up sleeping for a good couple hours. We went outside with the monitor in tow and took care of leaves and some of the gutters before Jacob woke up famished. After a feeding he came out with us and sat in his carrier on the porch while we finished up. The rest of the day it was nice to have Craig there so I didn't have to "abandon" Jacob to his swing or vibrating seat when I had to do something like make a meal. I know Craig loves his "snuggle time" with Jacob anyway, so that's good he got some of that in himself.

Jacob's really getting a lot better with his hands...and in the last couple days he's discovered how to pull my hair. Ouch! I keep trying to move them, but he tends to just grab right back on whenever I'm carrying him around. He also seemed to get ever closer to thumbsucking yesterday. I noticed a couple times where he'd have his thumb in his mouth, though not in the traditional tumbsucking position and not much more than a random slurp here or there. But I'm sure one of these days he'll figure it out. We also had a lot of fun this weekend with sitting up. I'd pull him up from laying down, and he'd sit there happily holding my fingers for balance. He'll be sitting on his own in no time, I think!

This morning I dropped him off in his new room at daycare. That was weird. For almost three months we've been going to the same spot every morning, and now we have to go somewhere different. Everything is pretty much the same, but this room has a lot more going on. I was reminded of that when I set Jacob's carrier down and almost immediately there was a little girl (a very mobile 11 month old, apparently) walking up and exploring Jacob's seat (but not Jacob, thankfully). In this room, the kids can move...walking, crawling, sitting...and there was one in a high chair ready to eat. High chairs...oy...a new frontier we have yet to cross. Everything was just a bit more chaotic and I'm hoping Jacob adjusts ok. Even though the one teacher there had been in the small infant room for a while, it was still weird leaving him in a different spot with different people. He seemed content but distracted as I was leaving...a lot of new stuff to look at, I guess! We'll see how his day went...

By the way, can you believe how dark it is out so early now? And is everyone else as anxious as I am to get past election day tomorrow?