It has been a WEEK over here. Christmas is in two days, Santa comes to our house tonight, and while I'm done with my wrapping (aside from one gift that is en route home from being bought), I'm still figuring out food and trying to pack and feeling like I probably forgot something.
Jacob's surgery was a week ago tomorrow and I would say we're making baby steps...or maybe one step forward and one step back. His leg is doing better. He ditched the crutches and boot within a couple days and has been walking on it since. He still does stairs very gingerly, but otherwise he's barely limping. He got really tired of elevating it after a few days and got clearance from the doctor to do it less. He's frustrated by the showering situation and has struggled to keep up with his eating because he either needs constant help or doesn't feel like putting in the effort himself. We've generally been here with him, but when I'm trying to do work or take care of Christmas stuff it's frustrating to drop everything whenever he needs something, especially if it's something he can do. The pain has subsided quite a bit, which is good. He probably stopped needing pain meds by about day four. But his comfort is still...off. He's super tired, which may be at least in part from not sleeping well when he had to elevate it. He's just not sleeping well at all still, even without needing it to be too elevated. He didn't take his ADHD meds for days--for a few reasons starting with not taking it on surgery day and then thinking he didn't need it and not asking for more when I forgot to refill his pill organizer. Then he took it yesterday after we scolded him, and he ended up not sleeping well at all. He was really tired by the evening and tried to go to bed around 8 or 9, but barely fell asleep, got woken up, and then struggled to go back to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. I sat and talked to him for a while, but he still struggled after that for hours. He did sleep in, and in the end he figures he slept about seven hours, but that's not enough for him, and the shifted hours didn't help so he's still tired today. His whole body just feels off and anxiety is getting to him even though I'm not sure what he's specifically anxious about. He wants to get moving, which he actually did today with his trainer for a bit, but he's generally bored and annoyed--that Carter is so into this one Xbox game and doesn't want to play with him, that he doesn't really have many friends to talk to, and that we haven't had time to play Monopoly together as a family. He's just out of sorts and really wants to be active again, but we're just not sure how to get him there just yet. He also keeps thinking his leg is infected, but the pain is fine and he doesn't have a fever, so even without seeing it, we're pretty sure it's okay. He did have the sweats for a bit in the middle of everything last night, but if his meds were involved that's probably not surprising. I just feel bad that we can't really figure out how to help him. I don't even really know which doctor to contact if this doesn't let up, because he insists it all started after the surgery, but I'm not sure the surgeon would have answers or feel empowered to prescribe sleeping meds or anything like that, especially to a kid his age. It's been a bit challenging, to say the least, in part because he legitimately didn't think he'd be in that much pain or be so slow to recover.
Otherwise the week has been a sprint to Christmas--wrapping up shopping, busting through as much work as possible to secure time off until Friday (aside from an hour or so this morning to save myself some annoyance later), wrapping like a mad woman yesterday (with Christmas movies and wine), and today trying to figure out food and packing today. Craig has a cold but at least it isn't COVID. We're supposed to go to church tonight, though he may stay home. It's been a lot to figure out what we still needed to buy, try to ensure the kids were sort of even (Carter is getting a phone and Jacob's list was limited, so that was hard), and make sure everyone else was accounted for. It's been a disjointed season, I guess.
I realized the other day that I probably buy about nine fewer gifts than I did at my peak. At one point we still had two grandmothers to buy for, four gifts for my family exchange, and three for Craig's aunts. We haven't had to buy for any of those last two groups since COVID, and the grandmothers long before that. I don't miss the added stress, as grandmothers and aunts were never easy and the exchange usually involved a lot of waiting for lists (and ultimately another $80-100 for the four of us), but admittedly my family exchange was fun. It was always that trusty exchange where you could reliably get that CD or DVD you wanted. It added a bit of fun, for sure. Now we just focus on family time on both sides, and that's special too since it seems so rare nowadays.
Getting older at Christmas is weird, and getting older kids makes that even weirder. As my mom is doing less shopping this year, I didn't really have anyone ask me what I wanted until Craig and the kids were going out to do some shopping. That felt weird. The kids struggled to come up with lists, too. Carter had a bunch of stuff, but most of it was little stuff I was planning on getting him anyway. Jacob really had to dig for some clothes, beyond a couple smaller things my mom and I took care of. It's a far cry from long walks in the toy department, that's for sure. And really, as things have evolved, I definitely find myself more excited to give certain gifts than worrying about what I'm getting. It's nice to anticipate gifts, but as a mom I keep my expectations pretty low. And this year with my mom doing less, even more so. It's fine--it's how the world evolves as we age. That's why I try to do something nice for my mom, because she no longer has her mom. I don't know that I did great this year, but I hope I found a balance between frugality (because spoiling them gets me in trouble), getting things she likes, and not putting more "stuff" in their house. I think we all miss the fun and excitement of a kid Christmas, but it's nice when the giving becomes more fun.
So, remember a couple posts ago when I was talking about the places I wanted to escape to and I mentioned those Scandinavian stars? I happened to see one at Walmart last week, out of the blue, and couldn't get it out of my head. Even though I try not to buy Christmas decorations anymore unless there's a pressing reason, I really wanted it--I guess maybe because I had literally just written about how they always look so peaceful and pretty, and Lord knows I could use more peaceful. I went back a day or two later and they were still there, and on clearance for about $9 no less, so that was cool. It was bigger than I realized, but it is really pretty. It's made out of carboard but it's flocked on the outside. It's a dark red an I think it fits nicely in our front window. I'll probably set up my Stick-ees bettter around it next year (I just moved a few ornaments this time to make space), but I'm happy with it. It just felt like one of those symbolic, self-care things in the midst of a rather challenging Christmas season.
I'll be honest, I know I'm not quite right currently. Usually one or two of my Christmas songs get me choked up with thankfulness and nostalgia, and this year--where I feel like I should be more inclined to cry about Christmases past--I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of stoic limbo. Like, everything this year should make me more grateful for a Christmas where everything is, by all accounts, still okay. And in what feels like a fragile mental state I feel like tears should come more readily, but between the anxiety about life in general (and I suppose getting through this Christmas fine) and utter exhaustion from the past six months, I guess getting into the Christmas spirit ended up even harder than it normally is. I want to enjoy it all, and I'm really trying, but it's slow to come. I know I want to soak up all the moments because it goes fast every year and things can change by next year, but I don't feel like I've done well with it. Some of it is just trying to keep things simple, minimize the craziness and all of that. But then you deprioritize a couple traditions or things you enjoy and poof, Christmas is over and you missed it for another year. I don't like that feeling. I miss things like the Festival of Lights from when I was a kid, and even now we rarely drive to any of the cool decorated neighborhoods like we used to.
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