The Introvert Mom

If you pop around on social media long enough, at least with friends like mine, usually you'll come across some sort of article or quiz about introverts vs. extroverts, and how each role relates to social situations.  Sometimes it's a meme about desperately wanting to spend Saturday night home alone in your PJs with your cats, or other times it's a little quiz that tells you how much of an introvert or extrovert you are, or it could be a blog post or article reminding people to how manage their interactions with those whose social personality is opposite theirs, be it their spouse, co-worker, or good-but-challenging friend.  I don't think it's ever been a surprise to me or anyone else that I am an introvert.  I mean, I think can function moderately well when I need to be extroverted, and I might even seem extroverted with people I know well, as sometimes I never shut up (as my elementary school report cards documented pretty regularly).  But I am, at the heart of it, an introvert.  My down time is sacred.

Strangely, I do still get lonely if I'm alone too long.  Apparently I can only take so much quiet and alone time at once.  Eventually I need people around or I start feeling very left out and even depressed about how everyone is living more life than me.  I've talked here before many times about feeling like I don't really have many true friends, as my social calendar is not very full.  I see people online having wine or beer with friends, maybe around a campfire or out at a bar--and sort of wonder where we went wrong.  And yes, those people have kids.  When I do get a chance to do something like that, once I get past the social anxiety part of it, I am usually fired up about it and very excited to finally get the chance.  But, as much as I do enjoy those times with friends, I know there's a part of me that's relieved when I can take off my shoes, put on my pajamas, and spend an evening with my snack, my computer, and the DVR.

Lately I've become a little more aware of how being an introvert has impacted my parenting.  I can't say it has done so in a positive way, aside from not being a barhopping mama who leaves my kids with a sitter every weekend. I think the main problem is that my tolerance for action only goes so far.  On weekdays, I spend all day at work.  And while that's not exactly action-packed, it still means that I'm "on" all day.  I get up first, rush through the morning preparations--get myself ready, wake up the kids, pack a couple lunches, and make sure everyone's moving along--then I drop off Carter and drive to work.  I spend all day trying to focus on busting through my work and interacting with co-workers, and then I need to drive toward home, pick-up Carter, run any necessary errands, cook dinner, eat, survive the kids' interactions until bedtime, and then FINALLY I have a little me time.  Usually it's with the TV and my phone or computer, but sometimes I have to throw in some laundry, coupon clipping, paper reading, or sorting through the kids' school paperwork.  Regardless, by the time the kids are in bed, I am mentally spent and need to zone out in any way possible.  I have hit my "interact with people limit" and just need to veg out.  Of course, this doesn't bode well for Craig, who's usually sitting across the room, but by then he's pretty spent, too, so at least we each get it.  That's why we try to go out to lunch every few weeks, so we can be alone and talk while we're still willingly conscious and talkative.  Anyway, usually I can make it to bedtime before desperation sets in, but sometimes I find myself holing up with my phone immediately after dinner, content to let the kids watch something on TV and not wanting to be talked to for a little bit.  In that moment, I realize it's my introvert side coming out.  I've had to be "on" all day and I've just had enough.

Interestingly, it took me a while to realize that Carter, in particular, may have some introverted tendencies, as well.  He loves to play with toys, but many evenings he just wants to sit and watch a  show.  And while I don't always think that's a good idea, I started to realize that maybe he's feeling much the same as me.  After all, he's been spending nine hours a day at daycare, which is an awful lot of stimulation for anyone, let alone a little kid.  So while I try to be more intentional about making him play with non-electronics on weekend days, most of the time I will let it pass in the evenings because I'm pretty sure he's feeling a bit like me.  Not the best habit to get him into, I know, but sometimes that's just how we roll.

Weekends are harder.  From the moment I wake up until bedtime, the kids are around and usually causing chaos.  Loud chaos.  Most of the time I can only take it in small doses, so we end up with a few of those "curl up with the phone" moments over the course of the day.  As I said, it doesn't make for great parenting, as I know I should be doing things with them or at least insisting the TV goes off more often to force them to get creative, but usually the TV is one thing that keeps them from making each other nuts, and sometimes you just need the relative silence.  The full-time refereeing that happens when the kids aren't occupied is so exhausting, and any break from it is not only helpful, but needed.  If I get that, usually I can muster a little more time as a good, engaged mom before I get drained again.  This is part of the reason I crave having planned activities for the weekend, because if we're out of the house, usually the kids are more occupied and I'm distracted enough that I don't need an introvert moment nearly as often.  When we get home it's a different story, however.  But set activities help and I just wish I was more creative about coming up with more.

A while back a blogger I read talked about how he was diagnosed with a psychological condition that's caused by constant noise.  Between traffic noise outside his apartment and random noises inside, it slowly drove him crazy.  As a result, he got very short tempered and snapped at the littlest things.  Sometimes I wonder if I have something along those lines, because on particularly noisy days, it doesn't take much to set me off.  The constant random noises from the kids just add up and boom--I hit my limit.  That's when I know I just need some time without them to regroup. 

It doesn't help that kids tend to overwhelm you in other subtle ways, too.  The constant stream of questions from Carter or Jacob's endless list of stuff he wants to buy are both incredibly exhausting, and they feel 100 times worse on a day where my introvert side is dying to come out.  Constantly having to listen or even intelligently respond can get so tiring.  Beyond that, they're constantly asking for stuff or all up in your space, and it all gets overwhelming really fast.  When your kid is all over your lap, or kicking you in bed, or hanging on your waist, it can get trying.  It's a full assault on the senses by the time they're done, and I blame my introvert tendencies for the low tolerance.

I love my kids, but some days they're just harder to take than others.  I'd be better off if I looked like one of those fundraising thermometers so they could see the red rise and know when I'm about to blow, but lacking that I'll just have to take my breaks when I can and hope for the best.  They're kids and they can't self-monitor very well, let alone consider what I might be feeling.  So it's up to me to institute a mommy time-out when things get rough and pray they don't kill each other by the time I have the energy (mentally and physically) to rejoin them.  I wish I knew how to better manage it all, but like most things in parenting, sometimes survival mode is as good as it gets.