My Biggest Struggle

The other night I had a bit of a meltdown.  It happens once in a while, where I basically just want to shut down or go on strike for a bit.  Usually it's a combination of a few things--being stressed out about anything, overtired, or overwhelmed or ticked off by some random thing.  Often it results in me going to bed early, shutting myself in my room for a few hours, or skipping out on some sort of responsibility that's just a bit too much at that moment.  It's not something I'm proud of, but in the name of the transparency that I try to maintain here, here it is. 

I think this week's version was a combination of a rough few weeks at work (big controversy at the school during a busy time of year), a lot of fights with Jacob lately, and a couple minor things that were gnawing at me, one of which was having trouble figuring out dinner multiple nights this week.  And for whatever reason, when Jacob didn't like that night's dinner plans, it just destroyed everything and I simply refused to make dinner that night.  Craig was annoyed and I was then annoyed that he was annoyed, mostly because I just wanted a little compassion in the midst of what was clearly not my finest moment.  I tried to explain that sometimes it's overwhelming to have to plan dinner every night, on top of a long day of work, knowing that someone is probably not going to be thrilled with whatever I pick.  Having to coordinate the groceries and the timing and everyone's likes and dislikes is not easy, and sometimes I just hate it.  I asked Craig what he would do if he had to cook every night, and of course he said something about McDonald's.  If only it was that easy. 

A couple weeks ago I was upset about something and tried to explain to Craig that women just think through things so much differently than men.  So many details, so much overthinking.  I think at that time I was trying to explain to him why I make certain decisions with Jacob's discipline--decisions that I have thought through deeply or even had validated by research or multiple bloggers, whereas sometimes he just seems to pick the most convenient option without thought for the long term ramifications.  For example, a few weeks back when Jacob didn't want to do his "About Me" poster for school, I was fully prepared to let him fail.  I had given him support and opportunities, but he kept refusing.  Normally I'd just keep nagging him, but now that he's in fourth grade, he really needs to take more initiative.  I wanted to see if he would feel any sort of shame when his crappy poster was next to a bunch that were well done.  But Craig kept on him, stood next to him, and even cut a couple things out for him.  I was frustrated by the whole thing and asked Craig if he would help him in high school, or worse, go to college with him.  And he said, hopefully half joking, "Maybe."  Ugh.  As a side note, when we relayed the story to our therapist, she suggested that we let him fail, too.

Raising Jacob through his issues has been a major curve ball we never anticipated, and I don't think it's even possible to plan that out when you're talking about your parenting style pre-kids.  I just think we differ in our approach sometimes and it doesn't really help with the "unified front" you usually need to parent properly.  It's hard to raise a child in the midst of desperation.  

I don't want this to sound like I'm bashing Craig or anything.  He's a great dad and he would do anything to help his kids be happy.  I think men just process things differently and I can't really blame him for that.  But helping him understand those differences easily comes off as nagging or unappreciative, no matter how hard I try. 

Anyway, my explanation the other night wasn't coming out right.  And then the next day one of my friends posted the following article on Facebook.  The amazing timing of it was what made me decide to even write this post, because it is exactly what I've been struggling with most lately, and this was an easier way to explain it.  Read it, I'll wait.

http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

So much of it resonated with me.  Craig's "McDonald's" answer reminded me of the author's husband's response to the house cleaning thing.  My issue is the pressure of the every-night decision making.  I can't take the easy way out every night.  I want him to appreciate the process and how hard it is so he knows why I struggle sometimes.  And her story about putting the box away seems to happen around here more than I'd like, with all of the other inhabitants of this house.  I don't always bother doing it because I know I'm the default anyway and I hold out a shred of hope that someone else will take the initiative to do it first.  And when I'm constantly thinking four steps ahead and coordinating about 5,000 things, it's hard when I feel like one of his decisions doesn't take into consideration the repercussions I've tried so hard to avoid.  I guess it's good to know I'm not alone in this problem, but the reality is still pretty rough. 

I told Craig to read the article and I think it helped a little.  It had to be easier to understand it when it wasn't a direct shot at him, you know?  I can't say it gave us all the answers, but at least it did a little of the communication when we couldn't.