Thursday, August 18, 2011

Bad Day

Today was not a good day.  Today was one of those days where I just wanted to walk out of work and never go back, a day where stay-at-home mom-dom sounded far better than what I was doing.  I don't have a lot of those days, at least not if I think long, hard and logically about it.  It's one thing to have a bad day and another to think about my frustrations with Jacob increased to every hour of every day.  I've discussed the topic here many times, and there are pros and cons to all of it.  More time to get everything done--house stuff, Jacob stuff, etc.--but more time to spend trapped in the house with him when he's not in a good mood or begging for attention or wanting to play sports with someone every hour of every day.  I'm not sure which one truly wins out, though that's why I've said that in a perfect world I'd like to work part time...just enough time for both.  However, it's all for naught as I can't leave my job anyway, for financial reasons.  And truly, most days I'm not dying to quit.  My job has some great elements and the pay is among them.  While it's not crazy high, it's significantly higher than it was when I started and it feels like a respectable salary for the position, which is not something I had in my old job.  But over the past couple years the job has certainly changed to something I'm not entirely comfortable with, and it leads to a few more of those days where it almost doesn't seem worth it. 

Today was our office picnic, and when everyone else was heading out to eat Dinosaur BBQ and drink beer, I was stuck at my desk in tears because I have a project that needs finishing by tomorrow and I'm supposed to be taking a vacation day.  It's a brutal project, one I'm not well-versed in.  With a different timeline (one I'm partially at fault for--bad time management, but I'm so busy that it doesn't matter anyway because something's got to give), it might not be so bad, but the time crunch is brutal.  I ended up working a full day today and I still have to go in tomorrow, on my vacation day.  I'm hoping to just work a half day, but if it's not done, I can't leave. 

This is all extra stressful because, as I mentioned previously, my brother and his family are coming in...and they should actually be at my parents' house as I type.  We only have a few days to spend with them and I want to maximize that time for the kids' (and grandparents') sake.  It was great watching the kids together at Christmas, and I want to savor every moment again this time around.  But my job could get in the way, and it's killing me.  If it was a project I had a good handle on, it might not be so bad.  But because it's something I don't do often (I'm mostly doing it because someone else is busy, even though they want me to do more of this type of thing), I'm having a hard time with it and it's making me crazy. 

So, after missing my whole picnic today and giving up at least part of my vacation day tomorrow, I'm not too happy.  I went to the gym tonight to run out my frustrations, and ran my first mile in 8:34.  I took a walking break but still ran three miles in 30 minutes, which I hadn't done in a long time, at least since my knee issues back in June, just after my great run in the Corporate Challenge.  It felt great to run it out and I wasn't on the verge of tears anymore like I had been most of the day.  But tomorrow looms and I'm worried.  I don't want to stay any later than necessary.  This weekend is supposed to be family time, and it's time I can't get back.  It kills me that I even need to be in a situation like this, because it's just another example of how I feel stretched and like there aren't enough hours in the day.  It's getting more and more frustrating, but right now I don't have a choice.  Wish me luck...

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