Fifty-two weeks ago today...

...I was sitting at my desk for my last full day of work before Jacob's arrival. Of course, I had no idea that that was my last day in the office. I went home that night, watched some TV, and following "She's Got the Look" (as I blogged about last week), my amniotic fluid started leaking and set everything into motion. The actual year anniversary of that event is tomorrow, of course, but it was Wednesday of that week, which puts it 52 weeks ago today. If nothing else, today is the one-year anniversary of my last blog post before I was blogging from the hospital. Wow.

As I've often noted, nostalgia is a big thing for me, and the last couple weeks have definitely brought back a lot of memories. I just can't believe that a year ago right now I was big as a house (well, a small house) and was no doubt getting quite uncomfortable. I had just finished organizing the nursery the previous weekend and was panicking a bit about things like my water breaking or how scary my labor and delivery would be. I still hadn't packed my hospital bag, even though every week brought another centimeter of dilation. I recall that week that I just wanted to make it to my next doctor's appointment, though I don't remember now why that mattered. Maybe I had some questions or just wanted to get more stuff done, and my weekly appointment was a natural weekly target.

But I suppose what makes that time so dramatically different from now is that we hadn't had the pleasure of meeting Jacob yet. We didn't even know if he was a boy or a girl. He was this total stranger, other than me being familiar with his kicks...or whatever unidentifiable body part was beating me up at any given moment. Even now when I think back on the ultrasound photos or references on this blog to the baby in my belly, I still have a hard time connecting them to Jacob. When he was in my belly he was more of a concept or something...and then he just appeared. It's almost like his arrival just happened to coincide with my belly going away...almost like the two events were unconnected. Sounds weird, but in many cases that how it feels. He went from being the genderless, faceless "Baby" in my belly to being Jacob as we know him today. I suppose next time around when we find out the gender and hopefully have a name picked out ahead of time that the connection will seem a little more real. I will be able refer to the baby by name when it's still in the womb, so I think the mental connection will be a little clearer. No less special, but clearer.

Anyway, the second we met him, our world changed forever. It creates a stark contrast between the two periods of time...when our world revolved around us, to when it started revolving around him. And I guess as much as a birthday is a milestone for the birthday boy, it's also a milestone for us, having survived a year of parenthood. It's been a complete upheaval in the way we live our lives, from how we eat our dinner to how we interact with each other. It hasn't been easy, but it's worth it. And hopefully we'll only improve with time.

The photo below is my current desktop wallpaper at work. I thought it was fitting for this week. He was only about 15 hours old in this picture.

Is it your typical newborn baby picture? Nope...all those wires and tubes definitely make it a little different. But it's just how Jacob was...it's a part of his history, so I don't mind seeing them. I will say that looking back on pictures of him early on have a bit of a disconnect as well. I definitely see some resemblance, but it's hard to picture him as he was back then. I think the exhaustion clouded my memory of those early couple months (probably a good thing in the long run), so it's hard to recall the little details. I wish I'd taken more video or had more pictures of him with reference points to see just how small he was. His day-to-day growth is so imperceptible that it's amazing to look at him now and realize how much he's grown and changed. But then again, when I see a picture like the one below, that face I do recognize...

Turns out he still looks the same when he sleeps :) And really, isn't that the best? As a parent (particularly of a child who's had as many illnesses as Jacob), it's awesome when they're asleep because you know your child is comfortable and peaceful. Whether it's a picture like this or the real thing in his current state asleep in my arms, all I want to do is snuggle up next to him and fall asleep myself. Maybe that's a full year of sleep deprivation talking, but maybe not :)

Mommy Guilt

Almost every morning when I drop Jacob off at day care, I feel a twinge of guilt. On one hand I know it's not the worst thing in the world. He's getting some variety in his life--different place, different people, different toys and activities, and a generally safe place to roam around all day. In addition, not having to spend all day shooing him away from the VCR or scooping him up just before he tries to climb the garbage can probably makes the time I do spend with him better. That is, assuming I have time to spend with him. My days right now feel insurmountably full. Each morning my alarm goes off at 6am. I really should get up then, or close to it, but lately the snoozes have been taking me into late-to-work territory, around 6:40. Usually I get up, shower, make Jacob's bottles and food, and my lunch, then retrieve him, feed him, get myself dressed and ready while Craig dresses Jacob, and then it's off to day care and work. I work from 9ish to 5:15ish, hop back in the car and pick Jacob up (or if Craig's got him, run the inevitable errand), go home, make dinner, eat it while feeding Jacob his dinner, carve out a little play time, maybe a bath for Jacob, and then it's time to get him ready for bed, fed, and down for the night. Once that's done, I usually have to go back to the kitchen and wash bottles and do dishes, if I didn't take the time to do it right after dinner. By the time I start getting to my to do list, it's usually after 9pm and I'm already beat. It's unfortunate on all counts. I get very little quality time with Jacob during the week, and I feel so bad about that...and yet I still don't feel like I have the time to do much else either.

It's incredibly difficult to face that never-ending cycle each day and see no end in sight. Lately with school ending, I've been thinking a lot about summers once Jacob is old enough to go to school. Will we have to put him in day care or find someone to watch him? In theory we'd have another baby by then, so there's always the issue of whether or not it makes sense to work vs. staying home with two kids. Maybe our lives will be totally different by then and this will be a moot point one way or another. Still, I think about it because summer is supposed to be a great, carefree time--playing with friends, going outside, and whatever else. I did some of that, though much of my summers were spent watching TV (bad, I know, but really, I enjoyed it and my brain hasn't rotted out yet) and doing a lot of family stuff. Jacob may not have the option to do either of those things if he's stuck in day care somewhere. Incidentally, I actually find it funny that we haven't had much of a chance to introduce him to kiddie TV like Sesame Street--not that we should anyway, but judging by the toys out there you'd think we're way behind--because he's just not home at the times that stuff is on. It's just odd to me that he could potentially grow up in such a different environment than I did. And quite frankly, it scares me a bit. Anytime you go out of your comfort zone, what you're used to, you just wonder what's in store.

I'm still not sure I could do the stay-at-home mom thing full time. Before it was sheer exhaustion from the constant cycle of feeding, crying, and pooping, and now I think Jacob would just tire me out running around the house. I've decided that my weapon of choice would be to get out of the house. Easier said than done, but Jacob is so content when we're out and about. He just likes being in the middle of the action and looking around at everything. I think we'd have to have some sort of schedule. One day the zoo, another day a play date, the next day the playground, the day after that the mall (or something), and another day we'd walk a bike path or something. Leave time for naps and meals, and we'd be all set. Again, easier said than done, but I think it would be doable. And if I was home I'd definitely work on getting crafty and providing good, educational activities. But right now I'm lucky if we get to play with a couple toys before Jacob is cranky and ready for bedtime, let alone digging into some new, unexplored activity. I'd love to blow bubbles with him, or get him a kiddie pool, or finally get his new swing hung up, but finding time for that is incredibly difficult right now, and I feel like he's not getting a rich enough life experience right now. I know he doesn't really know the difference and is just happy to see anyone that loves him (us or his day care caretakers), but it's hard to know if there will be a difference long term. Sometimes I feel like day care is a safety net. Maybe I don't get to sit down and read with him as much as I'd like, but I know (think?) they do. He'll get to do craft projects very soon, and they'll most likely let him get messier than I normally would.

I suppose a lot of it balances out, but I still wish I had more time to spend with him, and that the time I do spend didn't have so much "background noise" from the stuff that I know I need to do next. Someday I hope I can spend more time with him, but for now, it is what it is. We can't change it, we can't go back in time, but we can always keep our eyes open for ways to sneak time in or improve the quality of the time we have. Wish us luck!

Another fun weekend!

Well, it's back to work on another Monday with another fun weekend behind us. Friday night was mostly spent packing for our trip to Buffalo, but the weather was too nice to not take advantage of, so we took a walk to get some gelato. I had given Jacob a tiny little taste last time, and this time I gave him a couple of bigger bites...but still, it's such a little spoon that "big" bites are still pretty small. He seemed to enjoy it. Saturday morning we finished packing and headed out to Hamburg. Our niece and nephew's 7th birthday is tomorrow, and they did their celebrating this weekend. We went to the Buffalo Zoo for their party with their friends, and managed to check out pretty much everything between our walk to the party spot and in the couple hours after the party before the zoo closed for the day. It seems like every time we go Jacob notices the animals more and more. Still a ways to go, but we're getting there! I really wanted him to see the giraffes, since we have a stuffed one at home and he's got one on his wall, but the giraffes were inside by the time we got there and the house was closed for construction. Still, we could look in the doors and get a good glimpse of them, though I'm not sure if Jacob was smiling at them or if he saw his reflection in the glass doors. Next time, I guess!

Saturday night we tried to take Jacob in the pool for the first time, but the air was a little cold (even if the water was toasty) and he was not a fan, so that was short lived. We tried again Sunday afternoon when it was nice and sunny. Once again he attached himself to me like glue, but we walked around the pool for a while. I think that part was so relaxing that he fell asleep on my shoulder. I carried him around like that (thanks to the weightlessness of the water) for a while. Once he woke up a little bit, we tried again, this time putting him in this inflatable turtle. He really liked when we zoomed him around the pool, but still seemed to be trying to figure it all out. He kept bending forward, which was making us nervous because his face was getting awfully close to the water. I think he was just interested in the area where he was sitting, and the water that pooled there. Still, we spent a lot of time with him attached to me! We did play a little bit, and I think he had fun. I'm sure he will come to love it more and more each time.

After that we headed to the twins' family birthday party. We had a nice time in the beautiful weather, and Jacob had fun exploring the yard, going down a little plastic slide, and attempting to eat grass and weeds. Yum. We got on the road by 6:30, though, to make sure Jacob could get to bed at a reasonable time and I could get his laundry and whatever else done before my bedtime! All in all it was a great weekend....pictures soon!

Jacob ate very well this weekend. He's really pushing back on the whole nursing thing these days. He's okay in the morning and before bed, but during the day it's a battle. We're really working on getting a lot of real food going so he's not missing out on any nutrition. It's hard, though. You just never know how much is the right amount. I've still been giving him baby food, though I think I'm done with buying stage 2s and will just focus on stage 3s (and mostly meat, at that) to get him used to chunks and slowly transition off of those foods. But for now it's insurance that he's still getting enough...finger foods make it so hard to tell! I did some major last minute cooking and dicing before we left on Saturday, and brought with us some containers of cooked carrots and sweet potato, along with some peaches. I packed them in a cooler with a couple things of yogurt, then brought a few jars of baby food and some bowls of cereal. It seemed to work pretty well. Jacob does great with the finger foods, and we'll keep adding more to the list as soon as I can get to the store and buy a new round. I've figured out how to microwave a sweet potato pretty good, and that will last at least a couple days. I want to start working in some meatless hot dogs and pre-cooked chicken, and maybe some sort of bread product. I think one of these days I'm just going to have to sit down and create a schedule for him so I can just reference that and not worry about what he's getting when. In my spare time, right? ;-)

The other big thing going on is that all of a sudden Jacob is sleeping later. He's been doing it since Friday. He might wake up briefly early, but he's been going back to sleep (with or without our help) and sleeping until after 7:30. This has totally thrown off our morning routine, but interestingly, it may just be starting the weaning process earlier than expected. Friday and today we skipped the morning feeding and he's been getting his breakfast at daycare instead. It's been weird, but since I'm not uncomfortable it's working out fine. I pump a little earlier in the morning at work, but keep my afternoon pumping as usual, so they're just getting spaced out a little more. We'll see if the trend continues...and even if it doesn't, I'll just give him his breakfast at home while I'm doing his bottles and packing my lunch, complete with a sippy cup of formula. The bedtime feeding will be the last to go, and we'll see how much longer that lasts.

We had such a good weekend that it made it extra hard to drop him off at day care this morning. He was in such a good mood. He still has his moments, but for all his craziness, he's definitely turning into this amazing little boy that is so fun to be around. He cracks me up. This will be a busy week preparing for his big day on Saturday...so much to do! I'm still in disbelief that this is happening, that's it's been a year already...but more on that later in the week, I'm sure...

Highs and Lows

I think everything about parenting follows some sort of pattern of highs and lows. Even never having experienced it myself prior to Jacob, it was touched upon in one of my all-time favorite movies, Parenthood. There's a scene near the end (and I believe this theme may have been alluded to elsewhere in the movie) where Steve Martin's character is going through some parental torture (I believe it's when his youngest is tearing apart the stage that his other kids are performing on, because another kid was mistreating his sister--in the play, of course) and you hear the sound of a roller coaster in the background...basically illustrating the emotional roller coaster you go on as a parent...the highs, the lows, the anticipation, excitement, etc. And really, it couldn't be more true. I've definitely experienced it over the course of the last year...as recently as last weekend, when we had a horrible early day on Saturday, a great Saturday evening, and a rough Sunday. Up and down, up and down...

Last night I went from a great high to a serious low....or almost serious low. I got home from work and my weekly workout and Craig headed out to play floor hockey for the first time in a couple years. So, for the first time in a while, it was just Jacob and me for the evening. He was just waking up from a late afternoon nap, and we sat down to dinner. He's been doing pretty well with eating lately, and last night was probably as good as I've seen him. He started with a few sweet potato puffs while I was getting other food ready, then ate 1/3 of a stage 3 jar of vegetable beef something with a tablespoon or two of cereal, then ate quite a few carrot bits, and then ate a bunch of peach pieces. He even learned how to feed himself with a fork! See, he loves peaches but they're slippery so he's had a heck of a time picking them up. I try to let him work on it (can't hurt the dexterity thing) but he eventually gets frustrated. So, I went and grabbed a baby fork...a nice dull plastic one. I speared the peaches for him, handed him the fork, and he actually got it in his mouth quite a few times. He loved it and it was fun to watch him! He ate everything that was given to him, and pretty happily at that, so I was thrilled.

After that we headed out to run a couple errands. He was content throughout, which was nice. I swear, he is one happy camper when he is out in the world. If he's out and has stuff to look at, it's rare for him to have a meltdown. And even then, some TLC from mama seems to help :) Anyway, it was sprinkling a bit by the time we got to Wal-Mart. Our Wal-Mart has been upgrading lately, changing their sign, repainting the facade, and making some general improvements throughout the store. Well, one of the improvements was a new tile floor in the entrance. And I suppose it was just a bad combination of smooth tile, foam flip flops, and a touch of moisture from the rain, but the second I hit it, I slipped. I went down hard, landing on my butt with one of my feet under me. I went down hard and fast, with Jacob in my left arm. The force of the fall hoisted him over my shoulder, but I held on tight and he didn't get far...maybe halfway down my back. He let out a little gasp and I was shaken and perhaps a little bruised, but fortunately, we were both fine. However, the thing that sticks in my head is what would have happened had I not been able to hold on to him. Jacob would have flown over my shoulder, head first into the tile floor. Ugh...I don't even want to think about it. I worry enough about that stuff on a day to day basis. I'm constantly worried about the hypothetical one time I'm not watching him like a hawk and he figures out how to do something dangerous. As it is I have a hard time controlling myself when he's trying to crawl off his changing table (every day) because I find myself raising my voice, almost in a sub-conscious attempt to catch his attention and stop him from taking a header off the table. Stuff like that makes me so nervous...any sort of hard floor or furniture that might be in his fall zone. There are times he's so squirmy in my arms and he almost squirms out...but fortunately I've been able to catch him every time. It's scary stuff, and it could change everything in a single moment. The thought of something happening to him makes me absolutely crazy. I'm just so in love with his smiling face, his giggle, his little noises, the slap of his hands as he crawls across the hardwood floors, how he hugs me and grabs my face...all of it...and to ever have that stolen from us by one stupid moment, one freak accident...ugh. Unthinkable. It was a scary moment that could have been so much worse. Perhaps I should have flagged someone down and milked it a bit to see if we could have built up Jacob's college fund (Craig told me some stories from his Wegmans days, and I was shocked at what out-of-court settlements ran them), but quite frankly I was just thankful we were both okay and I just wanted to do what we had to do and go home. Hopefully by next time they'll have some rugs down or something...because I can't imagine I'm the only one with soles like that, and other people may not be as forgiving as me. Let's just hope I remember next time.

This morning the roller coaster was back up to the top of the hill. Jacob slept in (of course, I couldn't) and woke up really happy. It gave us the unique opportunity to see how a morning without a feeding would go. And on my end, it was fine. I pumped around 10, which means I went over 12 hours without an emptying...and I was fine. He stayed in a good mood right through his dropping off at day care, so we'll see how his day went after I left. All I know is that I got some great smiles this morning...enough that it was harder than usual to leave him. I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend with him, including a trip to the Buffalo Zoo for his cousins' birthday party and his first real dip in the pool at Craig's parents' house. Should be fun!

TV

I'm sure many posts in the next few weeks will be of the nostalgic sort, with little triggers here and there reminding me of the days before and after Jacob's arrival. Whether it's the weather, events this time of year, or whatever else, many things remind me of what I was going through a year ago. I've had flashes like that pretty much since the weather started warming up, because that was really when baby prep went into high gear last year. We started baby classes, we had showers, I went summer maternity clothes shopping, I spent many warm days and nights sitting in the nursery sorting through stuff, we planned which family parties we'd attempt to attend, etc. And as we've gone through the past couple months, doing some of those things again (or similar things) has taken me back to last year. I'm definitely weird like that...very nostalgic with random triggers and a vivid memory.

Anyhoo...a few television shows have been my triggers lately. A couple weeks ago the show "Wipeout" started its second season on ABC. If you haven't seen it, it's hilarious. It's based on the Japanese game show genre, basically where people sacrifice their bodies for the chance to be on TV and win some money. They go through these crazy obstacle courses and other games, and pretty much get beaten to a pulp. If you've ever seen "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge" (MXC) on the Spike network, it's not far off...though it's really an American show and not a Japanese one roughly (and hilariously) redubbed in English.

So...how does this relate to last year? Well...you may recall my mini-breakdown during Jacob's first week, when I was overtired and having major nursing issues, and just generally feeling like a failure because I couldn't spend all day every day at the hospital and keep Jacob from having to be bottle/formula fed. It all came to a head one afternoon and I was truly inconsolable for a good three hours or so, unwilling to come out and talk to anyone, eat dinner, or anything. I just sat in my bedroom for a really long time. My spirits brightened a bit after some internet research on mixing breastfeeding and formula, but what really helped me get back to some sort of normalcy was watching "Wipeout". That night was the premiere, and my parents, Craig and I just sat there and laughed. It was the best therapy I could have asked for. Immediately following that was "I Survived a Japanese Game Show", which was a reality show featuring a bunch of Americans competing against each other in a "real" Japanese game show (it's made to seem like a real show, but it's actually a show that was created for this show but based on real shows and really located in Japan). I ended up falling asleep during that show (blame it on Jacob, not the show), but spent the rest of the summer enjoying it every week. Same with "Wipeout". "Japanese Gameshow" premieres again next week, and we're definitely looking forward to it. Of course, the problem with "Wipeout" right now is that I usually watch it while Jacob is getting his pre-bedtime nursing, and he jumps every time we laugh at someone who just fell flat on their face. Sounds childish, and maybe it is...but seriously, it's funny. But anyway, I will always have a soft spot for these shows because they brought me out of my funk that night with a good dose of laughter.

Another nostalgia show returns for season #2 tonight. "She's Got the Look" is the "America's Next Top Model" for the more mature set. It's hosted by Kim Alexis and it's on TV Land. It searches for the next great model over the age of 35. Very interesting stuff...less cattiness and more well-rounded women compared to ANTM, so that's cool. The reason I hold some nostalgia for this show is because it is the last thing we watched before our entire world changed. Immediately following an episode on Wednesday, June 18 last year, I was about to get ready for bed when I felt something funny...which happened to be the first trickle of amniotic fluid. After experiencing a few more mini-bursts and being pretty darn sure it was a real fluid leak and not just a funky bladder control issue, I called the doctor, packed my hospital bag, and went to bed just waiting for labor to start. Nothing happened, so the next day we went to the doctor, stopped at our respective offices, and were off to the hospital. About 12-14 hours later, Jacob was born. And for whatever reason, it just sticks with me that "She's Got the Look" was the last show we watched before it all happened. Funny, isn't it?

Ahhh, those were the days... :)

It's official...

We have a little boy with a mind of his own! This past weekend was a bit trying because Jacob really has turned into little Mr. Independent. And when he wants something, watch out. He will go crazy trying, or will give you an earful of his ear-piercing scream if he discovers he can't do it. Whether he's trying to reach something, or crawl to something, or just get some attention, he is intent on doing it. I can't even tell you how many times he's made a break for our buffet in the dining room. The doors on it are locked so the china's safe, but that doesn't stop him from banging on the glass...which worries me, obviously. We always turn him around and try to distract him, but he inevitably turns right back around and tries again. And eventually he'll get mad and scream. If you take away something he was holding, he screams. He just doesn't give up. Craig referred to getting Jacob dressed this morning as Greco-Roman wrestling...he's forever flipping over on the table, reaching for things, and just generally making it impossible to get him dressed. And it's like that every day.

Another frustrating example of this was our little trip to Fairport Canal Days. It's a nice little weekend festival on the east side of town. It runs up and down Fairport's quaint Main Street, over the canal bridge, and into a large parking lot. It's the usual--crafts, food, and other public service type vendors. Lori came with us, and pretty much from the time we left her apartment, Jacob cried. It didn't matter how Lori tried to distract him, or how much Craig and I talked to him from the front seat, he just screamed. He screamed so much he was choking himself up. Only singing seemed to help, and even then it was just barely. Of course, when we got there he was fine. He was pretty content the whole time we walked around, just a couple moments here and there. But as soon as we got back in the car, he started up again. I think most kids would have given up or fallen asleep, but not him. He was persistent. He didn't chill out until after we dropped Lori off and I was in the backseat with him for a while. It was incredibly frustrating. On top of that it wasn't a great sleeping weekend, so we really came out of it exhausted.

On the bright side, we did get to see my parents as they passed through town on their way back from a wedding in Philly, and Jacob had a fantastic time at the Rhinos (soccer) game on Saturday. He was so content just hanging out on my lap watching the game, or turning around and standing up to look at the people behind us. He was so great! He also seemed to do well eating this weekend. We tried a stage 3 baby food (lots of chunks!) and he did great with that. We probably won't stick with that for long, but I think I'll keep with it for a bit to transition him into all table foods, just to explore different tastes and maintain some level of nutrition, just in case. He also seemed to do well with a good amount of finger foods. He's still having trouble picking up those slippery peaches, but at least he likes them! Practice makes perfect. I'm going to do my best to really push forward on table foods now...starting with sending grapes with him to daycare today. I can also do peaches, mixed vegetables, and sweet potato...he's done well with all of them. I'm going to work on pasta and chicken and maybe some veggie dogs soon.

Otherwise, I've just been thinking a lot lately about a year ago. Unbeknownst to us, we were less than two weeks away from Jacob's arrival, doing a lot of the last minute prep and worrying but enjoying our last days alone. I looked back on my blog posts and a lot came flooding back to me. I had forgotten how terribly hot it had been at this time last year...and I definitely don't miss sleeping in the basement! Of course, now we have central air and it hasn't been above 80 in weeks. Figures. I have been comiserating lately with one of Jacob's daycare teachers, who's due with her first, a girl, in a week. Kudos to her for still working...I can't imagine how tired she is after a day with all those kids! Anyway, we've discussed water breaking, labor, having to buy all the necessary stuff no one bought off the registry, baby furniture issues (we both wanted the same set at Babies 'R' Us, then there were recall issues (for both of us, a year apart!)...and we both ended up ordering online from Wal-Mart, once again the same set (a different one than at Babies 'R' Us)!), and many other things...and it's brought back a lot of memories.

We've come such a long way and our lives have changed so much. I marvel just looking at the little boy that Jacob has become. On the other hand, each day comes with its own set of struggles so I don't feel like we've made it over the new parent hump yet. However, I know I'm not giving us enough credit for all that we've survived and adapted to...because many things have become routine and I swore they never would. Still, every day is full of questions and adjustments and frustrations, so it's hard to ever feel settled. And I'm sure it will be that way for a long time to come...particularly when we do this baby thing all over again and have to deal with two sets of issues at once! Let's just hope we learn well this time around and are better equipped to deal with it down the road! But what a year it has been...

Peer Pressure

I think I've talked about this a bit before, but it's amazing how much peer pressure can impact life, even with an eleven month old. He's not even old enough to ask for the coolest toy or to need a cell phone, or to want to go hang out at the mall with his friends...and yet I'm already freaking out a bit about his friends! I think it all stems from the fact that I don't feel like I have a heck of a lot of guidance. I don't have many mommy friends, and you can only glean so much timely information from the internet. We only go to the doctor every three months, and that is practically light years in baby time. So much changes! As a result, I seem to find myself playing catch up a lot. You see, it's easy to get in a routine. We try something new and it takes a while to settle in. Once we do, it's nice to just get in a routine and enjoy it for a while. However, babies change so much that you really shouldn't stay in the routine for too long or else you'll be stuck in a rut that's no longer age-appropriate. And that's when the catch-up begins. For example, we started solid foods late...not according to a lot of standards that say that six months is a good time, but compared to a lot of other people that begin at four months. I didn't want to start that early for a few reasons...first, Jacob was quite content with breastfeeding; second, I didn't feel like there was any need to make things more complicated any earlier than we had to; third, no sense risking the allergy thing by starting things too soon. Well, once we started them we ran into issues. Jacob wasn't a fan, he was sick, etc. So, it took a while to really get going on it. Once he did we still had some challenges--teething and more illness--but we settled into a pretty basic routine. And there we sat. I mean, we moved up to stage 2 foods, ate a little more (but not much), started cheerios and puffs, and have steadily tried to add more. We're definitely in a big testing mode right now. But when it comes to daycare, I just send a thing of baby food, a thing of yogurt, and he has puffs and cheerios....plus a couple bottles worth of milk that they split up, since he fights bottle feedings now. But there are other kids that are younger than him that get a lot more...one girl had some pasta and vegetable mix today, and another kid gets four little containers of finger foods...strawberries, hot dogs, chicken, grapes, and who knows what else. I look at those containers and marvel a bit, because I can't imagine Jacob picking up and eating all of that food. Most nights he struggles to finish the 10 pieces of whatever that I put on his tray, let alone a full container of anything. Granted, I'm still giving him some baby food and cereal to keep up the nutrition, but still...that shouldn't fill him up. He just isn't that into eating. I still maintain that it may be the time we eat dinner, that it's too late and he's just cranky. In fact, tonight for the first time he fell asleep in his high chair. And it wasn't even that late! It's moments like that that make me kick myself for not finding a way to shift my schedule and get home from work earlier. It's something he'd obviously benefit from, but I'm not sure I can get out of bed at 5:30am to make it happen. It may still get easier when we start weaning and he can feed himself breakfast while I prep his food for daycare, but still...right now it's tough.

So, back to the peer pressure thing...when I see the food situation I start panicking a bit that we're not doing enough for him, that we're not pushing forward enough and he's going to get left behind. I know it's probably a little irrational when we're just talking about food, but what if things end up that way when it comes to learning shapes, colors and animals? Am I going to get too busy or lazy to really work on that stuff with him? How am I going to respond if he doesn't pick it up as easy as I'd like? I know all babies go at different rates, but it's tough to keep telling yourself that when you see your baby get passed by. Same goes for other major milestones like walking and talking. It's easy to get nervous that your child is falling behind and isn't picking up things as fast...and wonder what it means for their future. Probably nothing, but still...

Even just experiences are tough. Looking around on the internet, you see all the things people do with their babies--hiking, swimming, etc.--and sometimes I wonder if we're giving Jacob a fulfilling experience. We're so busy that we only have a couple hours with him in the evening, and usually it's filled with eating, bathtime, and sitting in the living room trying to play with his toys (notice I say "trying"...usually it's more like blocking him from getting into things all over the house). We rarely have enough time for a walk or anything else interesting in the evening. On weekends we try to get him out and about, but I still feel like we're missing stuff. He hasn't been in our yard much because our grass is awful. No kiddie pool yet because the weather has been cool. Not a lot of walking because we spend a lot of weekend time doing errands or traveling or doing things around the house. He should be our priority, but sometimes reality intervenes and it's incredibly difficult to figure out how to satisfy everyone. We've been pondering vacation this summer, and while he's probably too young to appreciate anything we'd do, it would still be nice to give Mommy and Daddy a nice vacation away (we haven't done it in 18 months, though at least Craig has gotten away on road trips...I, however, am itching to get out of the house) and still provide some sort of enriching experience for Jacob...without spending a ton of money. It's a tough one.

So, yeah, I'm having a tough time figuring out how soon Jacob should be exposed to almost everything. It's easy to make yourself feel inadequate. I know we're doing what we can but I keep trying to do more. I just want what's best for him.