So, first up--the positive stuff: We settled on vacation plans! We are (once again) going to Disney. With not having to pay for accommodations, it's pretty much equal or less than most other destinations, and it is still Jacob's absolute preference. And as I've said before, if you have a teenager on board with something, it's best to run with it while you can. There's a chance he'll have basketball training next summer if he's going to play in college, so we figured it was worth doing it again this year. The jury's still out on what the park situation might be this time. Last year we didn't do any parks and Carter and I just resort-hopped, but this year I'm considering getting us two-day park hoppers to do abbreviated visits to each. There are rides we love at all four parks so it's hard to pick just a couple, and as it's only a six-day trip, I didn't want to monopolize all the non-travel days with a four-day ticket. Jacob isn't sure what he wants to do, though, and I'm sure Craig will follow suit with his plans to end up with our usual divide-and-conquer setup (but hopefully without Jacob's step limits this year!). I'm actually pretty excited and I'm hoping my packing will be relatively smooth after all these years of going. Still a lot to prepare, though! Carter has grown so much in a year that we need new swimwear, rain-friendly sandals, and an adult-sized poncho for him. I have to start gathering up things and making sure we're stocked on everything else we need.
We're actually changing up our resort situation a bit this time. I couldn't bear to not stay at Old Key West at all, as it's become my happy place, the place I want to transport to when I want to feel peace. I just have this feeling of being at home there, especially out on our patio with my coffee, and the waterslide is my absolute favorite. Last time we stayed in a two-bedroom because Jacob hates the pull-out couch, but with staying an extra day this time, we couldn't do that for all the days. We're doing a couple nights there at the end of our trip (to have something to look forward to) and doing the first three nights at Kidani Village at Animal Kingdom Lodge. We can do the one-bedroom there because they have a murphy bed, which is far more comfortable for him. Carter usually sleeps on a pull-out chair, or I believe he has the option of a fifth sleeper pull-out bed there. We won't have a savanna view room, but there are lots of places to see the animals around the resort, and the pools look nice, too. I think it will be fun to get a taste of another resort, especially one with so much character. Old Key West is charming but a bit tamer in that regard, but after we visited Art of Animation last year I realized how fun overt theming can be! We've got about three weeks to plan, and I know that time will fly and summer is going to be over before we know it. Ugh.
So...the bigger thing that's been taking up most of our brain space lately...Jacob's school situation. With prep school out of the picture, we had to figure out where he could go instead. He was refusing to go back to BK, and even if he did, he was refusing to play basketball. He does not like the coach for reasons I likely documented back in February and March. He also didn't trust that his health would be maintained there either, for similar reasons as prep school, though more because the training plan would be subpar. Like, the prep school stuff might have made a positive difference if his body could withstand it, but in this case, it would be dumb, useless stuff that wouldn't improve him but would still carry an injury risk. So, not much better considering we'd still be paying a bunch. But he was adamant that even the academic situation was super negative for him, and he did NOT want to go back. And when Jacob is determined, good luck.
However, as has been extensively documented here, finding school situations that work for him and his basketball eligibility has been a challenge. We once again investigated the Buffalo option, but there were more than a few challenges there. Any other standard local option would probably lose him his eligibility. We were down to one final option, which we had discussed previously but I had dismissed. But this time, it was really our only option: Craig and Jacob are moving to the other side of the county for the next year so Jacob can attend Pittsford Sutherland. It's a really good school and he knows he likes the coach. He's played for him before in travel, and the coach is excited to have him as well. And I think he will fit in well at the school, too. We were talking the other day and it came up that he never felt like he found a proper friend group, as his previous schools haven't really had an academically-inclined athlete group. Most kids seemed to be one or the other, but I assured him that this one definitely would have a group like that. Usually kids that come from well-off families not only have pressure to perform academically, but also have the money to fund their athletic pursuits. So in that way, I think it will be a great fit in a way other schools weren't.
I also think the area they'll be living in will be a bit more conducive to various parts of his life. It sounds like it could be a bit more walkable, which could help him get a job he can easily get to on his own. He will be close to Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and the biggest Wegmans in town. One of his favorite recovery places is there, too, and that actually might be his first job inquiry.
He's also very excited at the prospect of getting to have a gluten-free kitchen. He has convinced himself recently that I have been inadvertently glutening him all these years and that's why his body can't seem to recover or gain strength. He's convinced that the air fryer and microwave are spewing gluten, that my dishwashing and the dishwasher are leaving gluten on plates, silverware, and other items, and that even the dish towel is spreading gluten. Now, is that possible? I guess, though I do take a lot of precautions. Is it probable that it's happening to the extent it is making him sick? I doubt it. Or at least, I doubt that it's common or frequent enough to do as much as he thinks it's doing. His bloodwork and endoscopy all looked great recently enough, so I think it's at least equally as likely that his body, which already has one autoimmune disease, could just be a bit more cranky. It might not be some other full-blown disease, but it wouldn't surprise me if the higher risk for other autoimmune conditions could cause some of what he's feeling. I do think there could also be a placebo effect from getting a new school, new scenery, and some additional freedom, so he might feel better just from that stuff. Or maybe he's been right all these years that there was some black mold somewhere in our house keeping him down? I guess we'll see how he feels in another month or two.
Obviously this was an absolute last resort. When I shot this idea down last year, Jacob was still a minor, but him turning 18 made it feel a little less concerning since he could--in theory--move out on his own now anyway. So if Craig wants to come stay here for a night, it doesn't feel as much like parental neglect, you know? Also, we were going to spend a boatload on prep school, so most of that money will go to this, without all of the added risks and concerns. However, there are a TON of hoops to jump through to make it happen legally. Craig has been a trooper doing most of it himself, including some stuff to "officially" split our household to make the move indisputable. I don't love that we have to do that, but at least we could stop short of legally separating or anything like that. Craig had to find an apartment, do all of the school district and Section V paperwork, and coordinate most of the other details. It's also been a process over the last couple weeks of identifying what's moving over, what we need to buy new, and how all of this is actually going to work. It's definitely not an inexpensive or uncomplicated process, though we are trying to use whatever we need to buy to finally upgrade some things in our house after this is over, like possibly the TV or a new La-Z-Boy or a dedicated gluten-free air fryer. We do have a few things that have been in the crawl space that can move over, like at least one mattress and bedframe (it would have been two but Jacob is begging for an upgrade), a rug, a small table, and possibly a desk. We have some duplicates or extras that they can take, like towels and kitchen stuff, but there are some things that are just going to move out of our house and over there, like their dressers. It'll be weird for a bit, for sure, with Jacob's empty room and holes in our usual furnishings here and there. However, I'm hoping that with a little extra physical space (and less mess) will some brain space on my part to clear out some things and reorganize a bit here. We have gone through quite a few life stages here and it's long overdue.
Of course, there are dozens of things I don't love about this. I don't like that Craig and I will be split up physically for almost a year. I don't like that Carter won't get a lot of time with his dad or brother. It feels a little unfair for a teenage boy to be stuck with his mom all the time when he's got a perfectly good dad and a somewhat decent brother, you know? And he and Jacob were mostly finally getting along, so it's a bummer to split that up now. For the record, we did obviously consider what all of us moving might look like, but we definitely couldn't afford a house or larger apartment there, and we weren't comfortable with Carter needing to change schools for a year or leaving our house mostly unoccupied for so long. I don't know what our family time will look like moving forward, like how often we'll see them or how intentional we'll have to be about scheduling that time. I'm thinking Craig and I need to do a date night every couple weeks just to formally catch up beyond rushed phone calls. Unfortunately, Jacob isn't comfortable eating here because of his gluten suspicions, so I don't know how often they'll come over for dinner or something like that. As a side note, neither of them cook, but Jacob is eager to give it a shot, mostly with an air fryer. We'll see how long that lasts.
Adding to my annoyance with this is that they're basically moving there tomorrow, even though school doesn't start for nearly six weeks. I understand needing to establish residency and all, which they have, but Jacob literally wants to leave and never come back because he's convinced I'm making him sick, and it's actually a bit hurtful. I'm trying to not be a narcissist about this, but it doesn't feel great to have him so eager to move out of the house and insist he's not coming back (even though reality is that he will likely have to, even just for summer breaks). Even though he says that he knows the gluten thing wasn't intentional, it still feels pretty accusatory, and his arrogance about how he's so sure about everything is off-putting. This is so disruptive and such a hassle for us in so many ways, and while we know this is what we have to do, his entitlement and nonchalance about it are frustrating. I'm trying to think about whether I'd be annoyed if he was so excited to go to college or even prep school, but I feel like that's a bit different. That's full-on independence and it's natural for kids to be excited for that. This isn't that, as he's really just changing scenery and seemingly readily casting off an entire parent. It feels a little like he's deriving giddy joy out of something that's pretty frustrating for us. Again, I know that's not how it is in his brain, and I'm trying to not focus on my reservations, but his attitude about it just isn't helping matters. But I know this is sort of how Jacob is--it's that grass-is-greener mentality again, where once he gets something in his head that he thinks will be better than his current situation, he cannot and will not settle for anything less. He will fixate on it even to the point of making everyone around him crazy, and in this case he brings up about a dozen times a day how he can't wait to move and can't wait to not have to eat here again. Never mind that he doesn't actually know how to cook for himself (nor does he usually have the motivation to do even simple food prep for himself) and that this is putting a pretty big monkey wrench into multiple lives. And now it's happening at least a few weeks earlier than I'd anticipated.
There's a lot of anxiety about what the next 11 months will look like. I know this isn't a divorce or anything like that, but it's still splitting our family up and that makes me sad and a little worried. I don't know how Craig or I will respond to single parenthood, or how we'll keep our marriage strong during this time. I know we're still fully committed and all, but sometimes it's hard enough to connect well in the same house, let alone a half hour apart living busy lives. We've definitely done better as a team all of these years, and this very clear split makes that a bit harder. It might be good in that it makes us more intentional about spending time together, but I also recognize that our time is already stretched thin (especially if we want any relaxation time for ourselves), so it's going to take real effort to carve out that time regularly. I hate to add another thing to either one of our lists, even though it's super important. However, the mental break from Jacob might be good for me, as we butt heads a lot and he can be really overstimulating at times. But Craig now has to deal with that full time alone, which won't be easy for him. He usually won't engage Jacob if he's feeling argumentative, but I'm not sure what Jacob will do if he doesn't get the stimulation he's craving. He likes to stir things up, and Craig not wanting to debate with him might end up frustrating.
I worry so much about Carter, too. Like I said, I worry he's going to feel left out and left behind with me. He should have that brotherly interaction and have Craig here to guide him with baseball. On the other hand, he's never really had the only child experience, so maybe he'll like that, but in the long run I worry he'll feel like he didn't get a vote in this and he's once again taking a backseat to Jacob's needs. He did get to confirm he didn't want to switch schools for a year or live in an apartment, but I can't imagine this is ideal either. I will say I'm excited to cook more gluten things for Carter for the first time (I already bought Pillsbury pizza dough that pops out of the can--I've missed that so much!) and explore more restaurants with just the two of us. He's missed out on a lot because so many of our meals have had to revolve around gluten-free options, so I'm glad we'll get to explore that a bit more. But I think it's just that general worry about how a big shift like this at a key hormonal stage of teenagerhood could go badly somehow.
I'm apprehensive about dumb things like how Christmas will work if Jacob doesn't have a bed here, or what's going to happen with the various messes I know will be left behind, like the cans and bottles in the garage that I've been begging Craig to take back since they're all his and Jacob's, or the inevitable piles Jacob will abandon around the house but get annoyed if I move. I worry about how I will bond with other parents when our living situation is super hard to explain, or how to handle this on social media without creating questions or being mysteriously absent. The parent one is sort of perplexing me because we'll clearly be happily married at games, but things will seem sort of suspicious if anything comes up about where Carter goes to school or where any of us live. I struggle to bond with other parents under normal circumstances (I blame social anxiety that always makes me feel like I'm invading their group), so this is a whole other level of awkward. As I look at house projects that I was hoping to get help with, I'm facing down the reality that they're either going to wait a year, or I just have to figure out how to do them myself. Maybe that will be empowering--the whole "no one's coming to save you" thing--but yeah, it sort of sucks to be left with all those additional responsibilities and very limited opportunities to get help. But I know Craig is taking one for the team here, because being at Jacob's beckon call, having to move his life to an apartment from a perfectly good house, and still having parenting and house duties across town is a LOT. He definitely drew the short straw here, but it just shows what a good dad he is that he wants to make this happen for Jacob. I also want to, of course, but in my current mental state, even my small role in this feels awfully overwhelming right now. I just want to come out of this unscathed and be able to be a happy family when we're all reunited, but I'm not sure Jacob will be on board with that, and it feels like there are a lot of unknowns that I'm not even considering right now. It's scary in a way I haven't experienced before. I knew I'd need to let go if he went to prep school this fall, and college is coming quickly, but this just feels different.
I'm sure all of this chaos will feel much more worthwhile once he's thriving and happy and playing basketball again, but right now, it's tough. I'm not one of those people that can convincingly say, "Great!" in response to someone's "How are you?" if things aren't great. Either I sound fake, or I can't mask my overwhelm. I'm like the guy in "Liar, Liar" - "I can't LIE!" It's sort of the same reason I usually get brutally honest here--because I'm not going to be fake or present a version of reality that isn't true. I might not always get into the worst of the depths, but I usually don't entirely sugarcoat it. But this is one of those situations where so much is going on behind-the-scenes, but it's so hard to explain without sounding crazy, but how do I just act like everything is normal? You know how when something big and horrible (or even big and good) is going on in someone's life and they struggle to do everyday things because they're completely preoccupied with this issue, while everyone else is just going on their merry way? You hear it a lot when people are mourning deaths or dealing with a major illness, how even a grocery trip is torture because no one realizes all they're dealing with and it feels so isolating to see people living normal lives. This obviously isn't that bad, but it's hard to just act like my life is normal when all of this *gestures wildly* is going on. It's a little reminiscent of when I was pregnant and had to function normally and pretend I wasn't exhausted or excited or anxious about this secret life that no one knew about. This is just too complicated to explain to someone I'm not close to, so it just makes me want to withdraw from conversations for fear my honesty will make it weird.
I'm still not entirely comfortable with this whole scenario, but even if I don't like it, I can acknowledge that there probably wasn't any other acceptable option at this point. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on all of this in the days ahead, as we navigate the early days of the split and I remember concerns or challenges I forgot to mention this time. So, anyway, that's what's been going on here. It's taken "Never a dull moment" to a new level.
