Spring Has Definitely Not Sprung

I'd been counting down to Spring on my Scrabble-style letter magnetic board since I took down my Christmas stuff.  I think it was in the 60+ day range back then, and it dwindled down to the single digits with only one brief spring-like period a couple weeks ago.  But at least the sidewalks were finally clear and I could walk comfortably for a week or two.  It was so nice.  Then it was windy for days, including one spring-like day a couple weeks ago, before the temperature dropped like 50 degrees overnight and we woke up to three inches of snow.  It's been mostly cold pretty much ever since, and despite the official arrival of Spring last Friday, it sure hasn't felt like it.  We had another 50 degree drop the other night, in fact, after a few mild hours.  We've had so much rain, too.  I'm officially over it.  I am ready for warmth and sun.  It seems like it might start improving soon, but with everything else that's been going on, the cold, dreary, rainy weather has nearly been the straw that broke the camel's back on my joy.

We've had a lot going on since the end of Jacob's basketball season.  He unfortunately hasn't been feeling great since he had the flu.  He crammed in those last few games, but his energy level has been way down, and we suspect he has some sort of post-viral fatigue.  Of course, it's not the easiest thing to get diagnosed and we've been exploring our options trying to get him help.  We did blood work that his doctor had previously ordered, and it was all pretty much normal, so we didn't get a lot to go on there.  The one thing we did notice is that even though he supplements Vitamin D pretty heavily, his level is still on the low end of normal.  So, whether that's a Celiac thing (although those levels are perfect) or some other quirk of his system, we're not sure.  I did get on him a bit last week when he told me he's been taking a double dose of magnesium glycinate (which he says is still low compared to some people).  That stuff made me SO tired, and I'm like, is it possible it's making this worse?  He did feel a little better after he went down on his dose, though it also coincided with him not being as exhausted as the previous day, which was after a very late night going to March Madness games in Buffalo.  I don't think that's all of what's happening, but I think between that and his anxiety, it could be making it worse.

We talked to a couple functional medicine places last week, as their holistic perspective of connecting the dots on various issues seems like something he could use.  However, they're not covered by insurance and they are prohibitively expensive--like thousands of dollars over a year, plus more for testing.  We saw his pediatrician earlier this week, but he didn't have a lot to offer since the blood work was normal.  He said some doctors won't even take referrals of someone with no visible problem areas in their blood work.  But clearly the fatigue is an issue, especially for an athlete.  While we could go the holistic route eventually, my goal before that is to try to access different doctors that are covered by insurance, to see if we can create a similar plan that would find anything else that might be causing him issues.  Thankfully, one of Craig's Knighthawks medical contacts did mention an immunologist that might be able to help with the post-viral issue, so hopefully we can get in there soon.  

It all got extra complicated last Friday night.  He'd spent the day with some arm pain--presumably in line with sleeping on it wrong--but by evening it had ramped way up.  Of course, this was after having just gone to the pediatrician (the first time) to see if they could give him any guidance on the fatigue.  I think he was panicking a bit because he was expected to practice with his travel team, and he knew he couldn't do it, so he really wanted to get to the doctor that night.  He got mono and strep tests--both negative--but we only saw the nurse practitioner and she said we were better off seeing his doctor, hence the second visit.  But he didn't mention the arm pain when we were there because he didn't think it was relevant.  By this point he was freaking out that it was a blood clot or something, but ChatGPT came to the rescue with a few tests that strongly indicated it was a pinched nerve situation.  I suggested ibuprofen and heat, but he was still concerned and unconvinced.  He went to see a Knighthawks trainer for some peace of mind since Craig was at practice.  Of course, when he woke up Saturday, the pain was gone, which was pretty much what I expected as a middle-aged adult who's had more than one body part hurt in the morning and reset with a good night's sleep.  Ironically, I realized my really bad bout of back pain in January happened at a similar point post-flu, so I sort of wonder if that could be flu-related?  Like some sort of weird inflammation working its way out?

So, it's been another rough round with Jacob and his anxiety, but we really want to get him some help for this fatigue before it impacts his travel basketball season too much more.  We did decide to up his anxiety med dose, as it was low and it was clearly not even taking the edge off of this latest issue.  While he's generally functional, it does still seem to me that he worries about a lot of things way more than a normal person, like being skeptical of food freshness or my preparation practices, or worrying about a simple health concern.

The other current issue is that he's pretty much dead-set on going to prep school.  I have so many reservations about that--from the cost and him being away from home to his ability to manage his own life and what happens if, for whatever reason, it doesn't work for him--which I hate to assume, but given his history, it is a fair concern.  He hasn't stayed anywhere for more than a couple years since middle school, and each place has had its share of downsides.  There's no reason to believe this couldn't have downsides of its own (and actually there are far more things that could go wrong), and I worry a bit about what happens when he's stuck in that situation.  Then he's away from home with a minimal support system, and he doesn't have many (any?) options if he leaves there to finish high school AND play basketball.  It's easy enough to say that he'd have to suck it up, but having a kid who can get very despondent very easily, it's a little scary to be two hours away with zero control.  On top of all that, I'm just not seeing any initiative on his end about becoming a functional-enough adult to live somewhat on his own.  He doesn't clean up his own messes despite my constant nagging.  He can't easily motivate himself to do school work.  He struggles to get out of bed and get ready on time.  When he insisted that part would be fine because he would only have to walk across the parking lot to get to class, I reminded him that time blindness is a part of ADHD and if his brain knows his "commute" is that short, it will adjust accordingly and tell him he can sleep late and still make it, even though that's not the case.  And if he's tired, it's a toss-up if he'll even be able to drag himself out of bed.  I just don't know how I feel about investing all of this money in so many unknowns.  It just ticks me off that almost all of this is because his coach this year wasn't very good.  He didn't play him enough despite Jacob proving his worth, he doesn't have the knowledge to make him a better player, and he doesn't have connections with college coaches that are so important at this stage.  Oh, and it seems he didn't even nominate Jacob for their league all-star team this year (or if he did, it would be odd if the 2nd best 3-point shooter in our section didn't get voted in--in favor of a kid who averaged three points a game and missed a third of the season (who we love, but still...)).  If he had a better coaching situation where he felt valued, respected, and properly led, he likely could have made it one more year at BK.  But now, he really can't bring himself to go back for another year of that.  So, we could have a crazy few months ahead of us.  Suddenly 18 years seems like far too short to have prepared him for life.  More analysis/freak-outs on this coming soon, I'm sure.

On the other hand, Carter is doing well.  He had only a four-week interval between infusions this time because his med level was dropping too low and they wanted to see how he did with a dose increase and a shorter interval.  The med level came back pretty good, so we get to go back to eight weeks for now.  It's so reassuring that his blood work looks great, but in the next week or so, we'll do our first poop test in a while to see the calprotectin level, which measures inflammation in the digestive tract.  His used to be sky-high (in the thousands when normal is around 100, or a little higher for those with controlled IBD), so I'm curious to see how that is looking now that he hasn't had symptoms in months.  He's up over 40 pounds and has officially passed me in height, so clearly he's doing better.  I just told him to stop using the ointment he's used on the corner of his mouth for a couple years because I suspect that if he lets it go, it might not come back now that his system is regulated.  His next colonoscopy looms in July.  But in the meantime, school baseball tryouts were this week and he made the Modified B team.  Unfortunately it sounds like he just made it, as the coach made it sound like he wouldn't play much, but we're confident that if he shows what he can do in practice, he might get more of a chance.  In the meantime, let's hope the weather warms up before games start.  Travel baseball practices have been going for a couple months, but will take a little break now while modified is keeping most kids busy.  I'm so excited to see how he does this year with a healthy body!

I can't really believe that Easter is only a week away.  I felt like it took forever to get past St. Patrick's Day so I could put up my Easter and spring decor.  I was oddly craving having my Polish eggs out, and I was excited to enjoy my glass eggs lit by LEDs.  I was so excited about them that I ended up adding a glass bunny from Aldi this year.  Those decorations make me happy, although part of that reason is because of the hope of spring weather, but that's currently still just a hope.  I think my strong desire to have those decorations out is akin to the large role that simple pleasures played during the pandemic.  Remember how people were putting up Christmas decor in October, just to have something to make them happy amidst the monotony of social distancing?  I think right now is having much the same effect because the world feels like a big dumpster fire right now.  On top of the usual political insanity of this administration, now we're at war with Iran, gas is approaching $4, TSA is still not funded because Trump is pressuring the House to block it, and every day things just keep getting weirder and weirder.  There is a prevailing feeling of gaslighting when half the country is screaming about every atrocity, and the other half (who was screaming about similar atrocities during the last administration) is giving it all a free pass.  I'm currently in that realm of trying to control what I can control, although admittedly, it doesn't feel like much.  I'm getting PT (now more for my tennis elbow than my back), I'm en route to some executive function training despite not getting the ADHD diagnosis, and doing what I can to keep my house from looking like a tornado hit it.  We just hit the 16th anniversary of moving into this house, and I'm having another round of "I miss loving this house the way we did when we moved in."  It felt so spacious and bright back then, and obviously going from one tiny toddler to two teenagers, plus 16 years of stuff, has changed some of those feelings.  But we definitely can't afford to move in this housing market, so I really think I need to do two things: 1) Get rid of stuff; and 2) Decide when the time is right to invest in some updates to make it feel like a new house.  We've been meaning to do the kitchen since the pandemic, and there are a couple other things that could make a difference, as well.  Just today I was staring at our office (which is now mostly a storage room) trying to envision how we could remake that into a better guest room.  I even flipped the orientation of our kitchen table today to see if it fit right, thinking it might give us a little more space.  It didn't, but it could work if there's just three of using it regularly if Jacob goes to prep school.  I don't know, I'm just trying to find ways to love my house more, but truthfully, getting the rest of my family to help keep it neater would go a long way.

I'm still wishing for a change of scenery or something to look forward to, whether that's travel basketball season or a weekend away.  We were hoping to all go to Oshawa this weekend with Craig, but Jacob had practice (that he's simply sitting through), and Carter's practice on Friday was later than Craig could wait for, so it's just me and the boys at home this weekend...again.  Sigh.  My Facebook memories reminded me today that three years ago this week was the start of Jacob's and my midwest travels, and while I would not want to relive that anxiety, the adventure sure was fun.  I could use a little of that (80 degree weather included) right about now.  We do have Easter next weekend, and Good Friday is always a favorite, but I'm honestly feeling a bit more overwhelmed than usual about planning food and all of that, so I'm not having my usual giddy anticipation.  I'd also really like to think of something fun for the extra day I'm taking off Thursday (so as to not completely resent the boys being home on break all week).  

So, long story short, our lack of spring is sort of screwing me over in the mental health department, as it could very easily be throwing me a bone right now to get through some of the other stresses floating around out there.  Any day now...

Big Wins...but Still at a Loss

I haven't talked about Jacob's basketball season in a while.  We're long overdue for a catch-up, as a LOT has happened.

When I left off, we had just had senior night to wrap up the regular season.  We secured the top seed for sectionals and earned a bye for the first round.  Good thing, too, because Jacob came down with Flu B the following week.  It hit him pretty hard.  Carter tested positive 24 hours later, as well.  I can't help but wonder if Jacob was contagious the weekend prior when they were in the back seat of the car together for about seven hours over the course of the weekend.  We visited Craig's parents in their new house that Saturday, and then took a two-hour drive to Elmira to visit a possible prep school for Jacob (more on that in a bit).  Both boys were out of school for most of the week, which was the week after break (ugh).

Even as he recovered, Jacob was getting extra frustrated by the fatigue.  He sat out the first sectional game as it was against an easy opponent and they knew they could win without him.  The semifinals were at Finger Lakes Community College against East Rochester.  Why they make these neutral site games so far away (all but one of ours have been an hour away; the other was less than 10 minutes), I will never understand.  We knew it would be a tough game, and it was.  It got way closer than it should have been, and yet Jacob barely played.  He started the game, got two quick fouls (which never happens), got pulled about a minute in, sat the rest of the first quarter and part of the second, played maybe 3-4 minutes and got pulled for some perceived defensive lapse, then started the second half but had a pass tipped and intercepted, was pulled and never played another minute.  It was SO bizarre, especially once it got close and we could have used his free throw shooting skills.  Thankfully we pulled it out, but it was very odd and concerning.  

Team pic

The team got interviewed by local social media favorite Primetime 585 after the game, and it was pretty clear Jacob was not enjoying that or the big win.  Neither were we, to be honest.  Happy for the team, yes, but so annoyed that Jacob was essentially ignored for most of the game.  That was a tough ride home.  

That win put us into the sectional final at the Blue Cross Arena, Jacob's first return there since 2023 when he was in 8th grade.  That triggered a lot of thoughts about that run and recollections of how frustrated he was in the midst of their eventual victory because of how he was treated/used by the coach.  I really wanted a better experience for him this time around, but with what happened in the semifinal, I wasn't sure that would happen.

We had a very late game on Friday night for the championship--definitely a different feel from a late afternoon game the last time.  My parents came in for it, and Lori came along with us too.  We started out so strong--Jacob hit a three right off the bat, and then we started hitting a ton of other shots.  Jacob once again came out earlier than expected, and eventually the lead got whittled away.  We even lost it momentarily in the third quarter.  All the while, we were perplexed about why Jacob wasn't in the game.  He barely played in the second half despite hitting a couple big threes in the first half.  We needed scoring and there he sat.  And then we did eventually go on a run and get a big lead, but despite signs of fatigue, that lineup stayed in until the bench guys went in for the last little bit.  We ended up winning 82-58, which seems a bit deceiving, but it was great to see the boys get to celebrate.  

Jacob getting his medal

Jacob ended up with eight points, but should have had double that if he played as much as he should have.  His original BK friend Colby won the sportsmanship award that Jacob won three years ago, which was a great choice.  Even though we were a bit disappointed with how Jacob was used, it good to see everyone accomplish the goal they'd set for this year.

The boys headed back to the school afterward, and got a police escort!

They posed with the giant BK in front of the school, too.

That was quite a late night between the festivities and post-game "analysis" at home.  Jacob seemed to be in good spirits and excited about the win, but as the weekend went on, it was clear he was getting a bit more aggravated about his coach's decisions and how he was being treated.  Then he started feeling like his flu might be making a comeback--he was quite fatigued and sore heading into Monday's Class B qualifier.  He just couldn't figure out if he was getting sick again, had been glutened, or something else was going on.  It got pretty frustrating, to be honest, because he got rather combative and started going down his first real anxiety spiral in a while.  We ended up getting him in with the doctor Monday morning to check for pneumonia (negative), and over the course of the day he talked to both his therapist and his trainer, who seemed to help him a bit more.  We weren't sure how the game would go, or how much he'd even be able to play, but off we went--another 45-minute evening trip for another neutral site game, this time in Bloomfield against B1 champion Leroy.

This was a new gym for us, and while it seemed decent enough with a large bank of seats on one side and more at one end, apparently the floor was super slippery when the team got there, and the rims were problematic--both oddly tilted.  Jacob kept having shots rim out...like, repeatedly.  He only ended up with three in the end, but did seem to play more than previous games.  As the game went on, he apparently felt better and better, based on what the athletic trainer said about his responses every time she asked him how he felt when he came back to the bench.  The game was close in the first half, and then we pulled away.  This win put us into the state sub-regional in Buffalo, which of course was fun since it would be closer to family.

Jacob loves playing in nice venues, and this was a pretty good one.  Big, a center-hung scoreboard, real seats, presumably a quality court and rims.  I had a feeling he would thrive there.

Warming up

Both sets of grandparents, Craig's uncle, and my aunt and uncle all came.  We've often talked about how Jacob needs to get hot early so his coach will leave him in.  He got taken out oddly quickly this game, for no apparent reason, but he went back in a bit later.  And then he did get hot--two threes and even took a charge.

And then, inexplicably, he still got taken back out.  We were so confused.  He was doing everything he was supposed to do--make shots and play strong on defense--and it didn't matter.  A couple times after he got taken out, the other team immediately went on runs of 7-8 points.  It was so strange.  While he probably played a little more than some past games, he still sat for a concerningly long time considering we consistently were losing by about 7-10 points for most of the game.  He hit another three to start the second half, and at one point he came in and hit two technical foul shots (he would have hit more had he been in the game when the tech happened).  He had 11 points despite only playing maybe half the game, which seemed inexcusable being down.  I don't care what you think your defense will do--it literally wasn't helping us gain ground, so offense seemed to be in order.  Neutral fans around us were so confused about why we kept taking #11 out, or why he wasn't going back in.  All of us sat there stumped.  Instead of Jacob hitting threes while he was hot, we ended up with a lot of ill-advised drives, intercepted passes, and missed shots and rebounds under the basket.  We got within 6 late in the game, but Jacob went back in way too late and we just couldn't close the gap much further.  We lost and the season was over.
  

I felt terrible for the seniors, of course.  We had one more game (that was said to be winnable--and apparently was, as the team that beat us doubled up their next opponent) before we would have headed to states, and I would have loved an extra excuse to go to Binghamton and see Heather and Mason!  But it was not meant to be.  And in addition to being sad about it, we were just so confused.  Our 7th grader looked awful and never scored, but only sat out of the game for a short time.  A player that was playing selfish earlier in the season went back to his old ways.  Our bigs that had kept us in games all season had a hard time hitting shots.  The other team was good, but it was a winnable game and we blew it.  There were a lot of red eyes coming up from the locker room after.  Fortunately, Jacob was happy with how he played, so at least we didn't have to talk through that part.  But he was so annoyed he didn't play that he basically decided he had no choice but to go to prep school next year, as he can't do another year like this if his coach is not going to respect him.  I couldn't blame him, but also....dammit, why couldn't the coach just play him?  Now we have to send our kid off and shell out even more money just for the hope he'll be in a better place.  Uggghh.

Jacob was somewhat relieved the season was over, particularly since he was still dealing with fatigue and just fed up with how he was being used.  But of course, travel is already starting practices and he's not ready for that.  In fact, he had to get permission to sit out this weekend because he just needs to rest his body for a week.  His trainer, therapist, and school trainer all said the same thing.  Hopefully we can get to the bottom of the fatigue issue soon.  

Oddly, another parent contacted Craig on Friday and tipped him off to something that might explain why Jacob didn't play much.  It seems a little far-fetched, but it's actually so far-fetched that I'm not sure anyone could make it up.  Not that we think it's made up, mind you--there's supposedly email proof--but it's like something out of a TV show or something.  Long story short is that the powers that be may have "encouraged" ending the season before states because a prominent hockey parent/donor felt that the hockey team was getting overshadowed.  Somehow that meant the school wasn't going to pay for things related to states.  We still don't have all the details, and obviously there are some missing, but it's quite a damning accusation.  It would, however, explain why Jacob didn't play very much at the end of the season.  Regardless, we clearly need to have some conversations to understand what next year might look like if he stays.

The alternative, as mentioned, could be prep school.  We took a trip to Elmira a few weeks ago to see a school that Jacob's old coach James is turning into a prep school.  It's a Catholic school, very similar to the one he's at now, but with better sports facilities.  There's an old convent building across the parking lot that currently houses a dozen or so international students.  The basketball students would move in there, as well.  They're all single rooms, small but with enough room for a bed, desk, dresser, and sink.  The rest of the bathroom facilities are shared, and there's a big common area and dining room.  Food is handled by a chef, and they can accommodate his gluten-free diet.  The school wasn't bad, to be honest, but obviously we have a lot of reservations.  He's pretty needy and the thought of him being two hours away is...a lot.  His mental health can go down the tubes fast with his medical anxiety, and that's a scary prospect.  And what if he doesn't like what the chef is making, or he finds out the cooking isn't as safe as he'd need?  There are so many unknowns, and very few alternatives if it doesn't go well.  We thought about having him finish high school next year at his current school, and then do a post-grad year at the prep school to ensure he can get a good college offer.  But there's still a lot to think about.  And a few days after he was dead-set on going, now he's leaning toward staying because he sees how challenging it would be if things like this fatigue happen to him there.  He has a lot of resources here and he's scared to lose those.  Needless to say, we have a lot of figuring out to do.

It was so disappointing to lose when we did, but the original goal was to win a Sectional brick, and they did that.  And they did make it to the state tournament, just not as deep as they thought they could.  It's even more disappointing if the deck was purposely stacked against them (and Jacob in particular), but more basketball awaits...whenever he starts feeling better.

Mom-and-Me Day

No, it wasn't the usual kind of Mom-and-Me Day that I usually post about here.  Instead, it was me and my mom.  A while back I had been talking about wanting to go to Buffalo one weekend to go to the Buffalo AKG Art Gallery to see the Yayoi Kusama exhibit that was there through the beginning of March.  That's the same artist who made that amazing Infinity room that came to the MAG in Rochester a couple years ago.  This one looked pretty awesome, but it seemed like we had so many things come up, from illness to weather to the boys' practice schedules, that it was looking harder to make happen.  My mom mentioned she'd be interested in going, too, but then they were on vacation for a couple weeks in February.  It all seemed to come down to the final weekend, at which point the boys both tested positive for Flu B and I was panicked I'd be next.  Fast-forward and all worked out well in the end, although I found out the day after that it's been extended through May now, so I guess we needn't have rushed.  Oh, well.  It was a good day.

I left around 11am, took some lunch to go and got myself a coffee for the road.  It was an uneventful drive to my parents', and shortly after, my mom and I were off.  We snagged what appeared to be the last spot in the parking ramp, and headed in.  There was a lot that was similar to when Carter and I went a couple years ago, so I didn't take a lot of photos of what was the same.  Unfortunately, the third floor of the new wing, which had some really fun pieces (and my "new" favorite painting, as opposed to the favorites I grew up with), was closed due to a new exhibit being constructed.

There were some fun, different things to see, as always.  This painting had so much color and a whole bunch of hidden symbols.  There are pineapples made out of grenades, for example.  But the artist clearly had a POV and did it with so much movement and color!

This one had me confused for a moment because there was a visible orange glow emanating from it onto the wall.  But it just looked like white plastic, and I couldn't see any sort of colored spotlight.  Then I leaned right up against the wall to see the back side, and it was orange!  So the light shines on the white wall, reflects to the orange, and then the orange reflects back.  It was so interesting!

There were some very odd pieces in this gallery--many of which I had seen previously--but some that were just wacky, like conceptual 60s films of naked people ripping paper or laying facedown in mud.  There was also an exhibit entitled "Red" that led you down a dark-curtained hallway to a darkened room with only a giant screen featuring a red strobe flashing on it.  There may have been periodic sound, but it was hard to tell if that's what it was.  We sat for a minute to see if it did anything else, but nope, not that we saw.  I try to be really open-minded about art, but even those were a little weird to me, let alone my mom.

This pumpkin was a piece from Yayoi Kusama, but separate from the rest of the exhibit.  It was gold and very striking.

I just liked the composition of this one with the white shades, blue sky, yellow accents, sunlight, and shadows.

After making our way around the second floor, it was time for our timed tickets for the Kusama exhibit.  Turns out she's really into pumpkins in general.  She had these very pretty, very detailed pumpkin paintings that looked like she used one of those dotters that people use for painting mandalas these days.  They were pretty amazing.

And then there was this:

This room was so cool, but oddly disorienting.  The all over polka dots were a bit dizzying, and the giant pumpkin in the middle was so fun!

Next it was on to the line for the phallic field.  This was an infinity room like the one I saw in Rochester and the mirrored room I grew up with (though that was not Kusama), but it had a whole floor filled with phallic white and red polka dotted figures.  They appeared to be soft, stuffed pieces, and there was a picture in the exhibit of the artist laying on them once upon a time.

It felt like such a silly, absurd room to be in, but I loved it.  I just wished we had more than 45 seconds in there.

The last room was another infinity room, this time in the dark with giant disco light-type pieces.  The infinity element was pretty intense given the number of real balls plus mirrors lining the entire zig-zag walkway.   But the colors were gorgeous!

Again, the 45 seconds was not long enough--I could have spent all day in there taking pictures and soaking it in.  Up until that point it seemed my mom was a little thrown off by all the weirdness in the modern gallery, but after that, she said it was well worth the price of admission.

We moved on to the older part of the gallery, to where a lot of the mid-century modern art lives.  It's always nice to see the giant Jackson Pollack, the Pointillism artists, and the Rothko that made me realize 29 years ago how much my Art History class taught me.  I'm not sure if I've seen this one before, but I loved the illusion.

There are many rooms filled with many famous names.  I've probably featured most of them in past posts from when Carter and I went, and also from my birthday visit with Heather quite a few years back.  So, as always, there are different pieces that pop up and strike my fancy.  I loved the colors and shapes of this one.

This was a two-sided frame, and as I learned from a Georgia O'Keeffe in Rochester that has a "window" in the wall to see the unfinished work on the back of the canvas, too, artists will paint both sides to save money and materials.  I really liked this side.

The atrium they built here a few years back is so striking, especially on sunny, blue sky days.  My mom had never seen it and was definitely wowed by it.

There was artwork down one hallway that was from young artists in some program they run, and I thought this dinosaur made out of Lego was pretty darn impressive.  Look at that tail!

There was a whole exhibit based around food, and it was pretty entertaining.  It wouldn't be Buffalo without immortalizing wings in a piece.

I remember eating these candies as a kid, from at least one grandma, and so these pictures cracked me up.  It was candies juxtaposed with cut-out pictures of real strawberries (I think, anyway).  Good nostalgia, though.

This took up a whole wall, an interesting take on an Eggo box.

This funny little tomato wall hanging cracked me up a bit, as well.

We headed out shortly after.  Back at my parents' house I looked through a box of ornaments my mom was getting rid of.  I only took three, but they were all small.  One had sentimental value, one was just pretty, and one was from a tole painter whose studio we used to visit a lot with my grandma.  I have a couple driftwood Santas from her, and my grandma always used to gift the grandkids with a large wooden sign painted with flowers, our last name, and the "Est." year of our wedding.  Mine still hangs by my front door.  I have sweet memories of her work, and she was SO talented--like way better than anyone I see at craft shows these days that does similar work.  This ornament was a tiny cinnamon stick painted like a Santa.

All three of us went out to dinner at Ted's--best hot dogs and onion rings around--and then the plan was to head home after.  Well...that didn't quite go as planned.  My dad was in the midst of showing me pictures from their recent cruise when we heard a very loud siren nearby.  And it seemed to stop just as it got loudest, which made my mom hop up and look outside.  Sure enough, there were fire trucks everywhere in front of the house.  The across-the-street neighbor, Bob, who's pretty close with my parents, apparently had a fire in his chimney.  Another neighbor saw flames coming out the top and let him know.  Fortunately they were able to put it out with no damage, but it looked a little precarious for a bit as the smoke just seemed to keep coming.  We laughed because my mom came across a social media post from his grown daughter that said something like, "Geez, Bob!" with the image of the text of the "smoke condition" fire call.  That wrapped up after probably 30-45 minutes, and then I was able to take off.  

It was a really fun day with my mom, and nice to have some time with both parents after not seeing them for a month or so.  However, it really highlighted the fact that I haven't had much in the way of "fun" lately, and with spring fever ramping up this weekend, I am really craving it.  Maybe it's anticipatory as I look ahead to spring travel sports times two, or maybe other people's February break travels made my existence feel extra uneventful.  But man, I really do want some combination of warm weather, beautiful things, and fun new adventures.  Hopefully soon, right?  

Back to the Drawing Board

So, I don't have ADHD.

According to the professionals, anyway.  A few weeks ago I went through all of the evaluations, and I just didn't have enough criteria for a diagnosis.  Not enough in childhood, not enough now.  Of course, I felt like a lot of that was because I've gotten pretty good over the years at masking my symptoms.  No, I wasn't overactive, but I endlessly doodled or read ahead or daydreamed in school.  I talked way too much--in fact, that's about the only thing I usually got in trouble for.  But ultimately I was so grades-motivated that I found ways to overcome those things.  I was a rule follower, so I didn't have the typical tendencies to act out in physical ways, other than being chatty.  But I've always been a serial procrastinator, and I definitely have some hyperfocus tendencies going all the way back to childhood.

As an adult, I've had a job, husband, house, and kids, so I haven't had much choice other than to be on the ball with almost everything.  There are some things that literally have to get done, or the house won't be functional.  Some of that involves social pressure that's kept me motivated, or not wanting to let my family down.  But a lot of the time, I can only convince myself to do things if the consequence of not doing it is worse than the original thing.  But it usually takes a long time for my brain to get to that point, much longer now than it ever has.  So I can get things done, but it's always a process.  For example, I've been trying to write this post for nearly a month.

The lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean I still don't feel like I'm dealing with something, especially in the last few years.  I noticed a shift around COVID--my routines and activities shifted with a different household dynamic (and admittedly more electronics use).  It never really went back to normal, and particularly in the last few years--and especially in the last six months--I've really noticed a shift that's made simple life functioning a lot harder.  My boss (who is a lady of great life experience) says that it's perimenopause, and it very well might be.  Of course, no one seems to know how to manage that, and my own doctor has already dismissed it a bit because I'm still on birth control, so my hormones can't be that out of whack.  But it's making it hard to do the things I need to do, and not getting a diagnosis means that there likely aren't many shortcuts to take.  I have to hope my therapist can now help me manage the symptoms I have, although she did hold out hope that maybe we could get the OK to treat the symptoms I do have anyway.  

What are my symptoms, you might ask?  Well, let's see...

1) Focus - My focus is completely shot most days.  If it's not something I want to be doing, I am endlessly distracted.  Work has become extra challenging.  If it's something I know how to do and has the steps laid out for me, it's easier, but just getting started feels overwhelming some days, even if it's something I'm comfortable with.  It's like, if my brain has to work hard to think through something, it feels like too much.  I also struggle with multitasking, probably because I momentarily lose track of what step is next for one thing when I'm doing a step for the other.  For example, clicking between screens on my computer is weirdly disorienting and it always takes me an extra half a second to remember what I was clicking back to do.  I feel like that happens with cooking lately, too, where I get so caught up in one task that I forget to start another.  Lately I also lose my train of thought so quickly.  I can have it in my head that I need to do something, and some shiny object captures my eye and it's gone.  I'll open up my phone to look up something, see a notification or a different app, and immediately forget what I opened it up to do.  It's so frustrating.  I definitely have more squirrel moments than ever.

2) Avoidance - As I said, I really struggle to start projects or work through complicated things.  I try to keep a to-do list on my phone to keep me on task and lay out my options for downtime, but sometimes it's still hard to motivate myself to do things anyway.  Items languish on that list for weeks or longer.  Some of it is anxiety, for sure--a concern that I won't be able to do something or won't be able to think through a process--but sometimes it's just a mental exhaustion I don't know how to counteract.  I will spend hours on my phone because it's mindless and doesn't feel as complicated or overwhelming as choosing another activity.  Even things I like get put off because it just feels like more than my brain is willing to do at any given moment.  I used to think Carter was just being lazy that he rarely played with any toys that weren't right in front of his face.  But now I suspect I know what was happening - his brain just went to the lowest common denominator and screens were always easier than trying to decide what to do or dig through bins or shelves to find something better.  Like, I could go watch a show, but which show?  And what else should I be doing instead?  Well, I don't know, so I'll just sit here on my phone until inspiration strikes, and often that won't happen until bedtime.  Sometimes I have a series of busy evenings on top of a long work day--I have to work around Jacob's practice schedule, cook dinner (sometimes twice), clean up, go to Wegmans, pick up around the house, fold laundry, etc., and all I really want to do is veg out with my phone.  I forget that I wanted to work out or that I needed to get something done.  So my brain goes to a place where I just don't want to be busy or needed, or have to pay attention to the million things I should be doing around the house.  I literally don't know how people who are cleaning fanatics have any downtime, because I feel like I could be cleaning and scrubbing and decluttering every moment of every day and never catch up.  I realize when it's clean it's easier to keep up, but when I finally do clean my house, which is challenging, I rest on my laurels for a bit and suddenly it's a mess again.  Or I walk in the kitchen 10 minutes later to crumbs on the counter and floor and immediately get discouraged and overwhelmed.  And as I've mentioned, the boys--as much as I love them--just don't see it.  It's impossible to keep up, and sometimes my brain just wants to give up trying.

3) Decision-making - I have always been indecisive, but with certain things it's gone to the next level.  I will stare at my clothes or jewelry and just feel stumped about what to wear.  Sometimes it's simple indecision about what I want to project that day, but other times I look at half my closet and I'm not sure any of it feels like "me".  I don't know when that changed or why.  Maybe it's the extra cold winter that's made it almost impossible to wear high heels or dresses, or maybe my brain is so focused on comfort that jeans win most days.  Or maybe my brain just can't process the series of decisions that some of the clothes involve.  Sometimes I just can't put my finger on who or what I'm feeling like on any given day.  For example, in the past I might wake up feeling like I want to be girly, or comfortable and sporty, or professional.  Most days I just don't see anything that feels like I want to feel, if that makes sense.  Dinner is even worse.  For years during and after the pandemic, I was able to plan our dinners a week in advance.  Right now I can't even plan a day.  Some of that is Jacob's crazy basketball schedule, but most of it is Jacob having weird preferences--almost to the point of food aversions--or paranoia about whether I'm preparing his food safely.  He doesn't want to eat most of what I make anymore, and it's made my brain want to avoid it completely.  I just can't process all of the criteria in order to pick a dinner that fits them all.  It's like setting myself up for failure most days, and I suppose my anxiety throws up a roadblock on planning because I simply don't know what to do.  Picking a free time activity is equally challenging.  Should I blog, read, watch a show, or maybe make some jewelry?  Do I have enough time for any of it?  Maybe it's just easier to sit on my phone because I can stop it quicker.  Do I have any inspiration for my jewelry?  Do I want to think deeply to finish that blog post?  Am I awake enough to read?  It's analysis paralysis all over the place.  I hate it.

I'm sure there's more, but those are the big ones.  I'm just so tired of fighting against my own brain (and body for that matter--but that's another story for another day).  While help may not come in the way I expected, hopefully help will come.